Lost and need advice

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by lostworld, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. lostworld

    lostworld New Member

    I’m 30 this year and married for 4.5 years to a guy I’m with since 20.

    I can say I’m a very easy going girl, so I can tahan many things. I don nag, or complain. I am also a very soft hearted and weak person.

    But life gets very tiring and exhausting. I do everything at home, every single housework and I also work. I coordinate everything like if there’s any repair or installation etc. When I’m sick I still need to do all these. He didn’t ask or instruct me to do it, to be honest. He just don do anything, so eventually I will have to do it. This is like unspoken rule. So when I ask for some help, say mopping floor. I have to prepare the pail etc for him, then he will mop very anyhow, very wet .... and when I commented he will say “that’s how I mop”. So slowly, I just get tired and rather do it myself than to reason with him. This is just one example but there’s many things, that end up I prefer to do it myself than ask him to help.

    And then, I also feel like there’s no difference if I hv Husband or don have Husband. Becos I can’t think of anything tt I can’t do without him, or if he has did anything for me tt I touches my heart.

    He has taken me for granted over the years and I really cannot take it anymore. N so I get more tired physically and emotionally, which leads to my health getting worse. My appetite is getting worse and I cry alot. We had a deep talk, and he says he will change, afraid that I will leave. I was hoping he could tell me what I can’t do without him, but sadly he also feel the same way as me. He actually agrees with everything I said.

    And then he really changes. To the other extreme. He suddenly snatch all the housework to do. I actually appreciate it alot becos I’m really tired n no energy at this moment to do anything. But he is so extreme he will dash to ask me if I need help when I washing my own cup. Like .... why would I be angry with him for washing a simple cup by myself????

    N I’m still very emotional, n cried alot. So he is very extreme again. He will follow me ard at home and keep staring at me. I felt like a prisoner being observed at home.

    I have been thinking of divorce for quite awhile. But to be honest, he didn’t beat me or have adultery or what. So I will think of things like .... those wedding vows, u have to stay tgt be it happy or unhappy etc. And also the long relationship we have been tgt. I also keep asking myself, since he already “changed”, why am I not happier? But I dono is this consider an “emotional torture”. I really feel very horrible everyday, and my mood automatically worsen nowadays, when I’m with him. We still chat alittle bit, but mostly quiet. I also feel very uneasy when he touches me, or hug me, and we stop having sex already.

    I want to try to reaccept him, but I really can’t do it. I dono if I will be able to do it in the near future .... if I can’t then it’s meaningless to stay on tgt. i really dono what to do ... should I divorce or continue to try. If I try, how long more should I try?

    It’s really draining and exhaustive now for me.
    newproject likes this.

  2. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Dear lostworld, sorry to hear about your troubles. How long has he changed?

    It's understandable at first he might be over reacting and rush to do everything because he really is scared you will leave him. That's actually good that he is changing.

    Do you still feel tired now? Any idea why you still feel so emotional? Is it stress at work (if you work?)

    Have you gotten for a full.body checkup lately? You might want to rule out physiological factors that might be driving your behavior.

    The lack of physical intimacy is a red flag. From your description you are rejecting him?

    You really should think twice before bringing up the D word. Maybe you think the grass is greener when you are divorced but have you thought carefully what it means?
    Infernolord and miloice like this.
  3. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    sometimes guys need a wake up call to realize. It is good that he is finally realizing. However, what you are feeling is completely normal because a guy being so sensitive to every minor movement and action, isn't giving both of you any breathing space. However, it is also normal reaction from his part. It is actually a good sign, that you matters to him. Take time, reboot the relationship. Starting from the basics. You do not need to force yourselves, intimacy takes time. Have your personal time out, doing your hobbies, sports, catching up with friends. If you cannot cope with your emotions, its better to speak with a professional before you fall into depression. Being unable to cope with your emotions and crying out this often are not normal. It could be your hormones affecting you as well.
  4. triple

    triple New Member

    After 10yrs together, it is perfectly normal to get stale. Usually, its time for a kid, and thats a whole new phase to discover.

    Seems like the mid life crisis has come early for you, and thats normal too, u are wondering.. with him.. whsts next? Is this really all there is? So solution is... start a new phase... be it a kid, pet, gardening, travelling, gym, selfies. Only when u are at peace and happy, then u can be a loving companion.

    Join tinder, okcupid, just see if u can make new friends. U be surprised hw much advanced the market has become. Do u still hv market value?
  5. ing1

    ing1 Member

    Do you know what do you want? I.e. what do you want in life? What do you want in a marriage? Do you remember why did you marry him years ago? What has changed since then? Have you guys put in enough effort and exhausted all means to make your marriage work?

    I am just throwing out some questions for you to think thro. Doesn't need to answer here. I just hope that you don't take the easy way out. Unless, if you have already made up your mind. Jia you!
  6. lostworld

    lostworld New Member

    Thanks for all your replies and comfort.

    Yes, I am also a believer for not always saying break up or divorce. I know there are people who just bring it up loosely when quarreling. That’s y if I were to really bring this up, I’m serious with it.

    I have been thinking over the same thing too, what bring us tgt initially. What make us stay tgt until today. But I realise there wasn’t much strong things that bond and hold me close. Previously, he travel alot due to work. So before marriage, 50% of the time we didn’t see each other. And when we really do meet, you know not much pattoh moments to begin with where will have unhappiness. We gotten BTO back then b4 our marriage. Slightly one year b4 the marriage I rethink our relationship. I told my girl friend about it, who is our mutual friend, but she just reassured me that we will be fine. Ultimately we r tgt for so long alr. N then I regain the confidence n we got married. Still life wasn’t good.

    I dono isit a cumulative tiredness that hits my tolerance level. During one of the travelling, I was already resting in bed. But he insist I packed the luggage, because he said the smelly clothes will spoil the souvenir snacks. He couldn’t wait until tml n insisted I do it right away. In the end I packed while crying. He goes soft when I cried but still trying to explain why these 2 stuffs couldn’t go tgt hence needs me to pack it. But he don’t get it that, he could easily take out the snacks n I’ll pack it tml!

    It is his nature and I realised I’m very tired to highlight every single thing. Becos, it’s either I made a big drama so he could get it, if not I just endure and do it myself. During that talk, I told him I know he will change the lists of examples I’ve said. But becos it’s his character, those things that I didn’t mention, he won’t do anything. N I have no energy and also see no point to change the leopard spots.

    I really dono isit becos it’s alr hit my limit? Or is he different from what I used to know? Or I no longer love him? I’m just feeling very very tired everyday. I’m still trying everyday to face him and gain my marriage confidence back. But I’m drained now ......
  7. ing1

    ing1 Member

    It's about meeting expectations. You have a different expectation from your husband as a husband.

    Convey your expectation to him, give him a fair chance to be the husband that you want and you monitor. Else stay apart for a while to cool down and think.
    shanti__ likes this.
  8. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Very strange that he is the one that wants things a certain way, goes to the extent of insisting but yet not the one doing it. Communication is broken down here. As u identified, you guys didn't interact enough to learn to live together.

    You cannot change a person's personality but u guys can work on better communication to get things across. Some people needs time to rethink over what is said. No one is the same. I speak fast but take to keep rethinking and reflecting over what happened. My wife tend to refrain from reacting and hiding the thoughts althjough it's all over her face. She can't hide the emotion eith the body language although saying nothing. Then, she tries to move on from it without revisiting it. That causes alot of friction for us as I will feel she is shutting me off while I continue to dwell issues thinking how we could better manage it. It is a cycle if we don't align and reflect on lessons from past conflicts.
    At the end of the day, we need a balance between the two. Give each other room to deal with issues your way and also allow your partner the feedback loop.
    shanti__ and ing1 like this.

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