Lost and depressed.

[lost_taurus]

Hi ladies,

recently i have been feeling very depressed as my hb keeps lying to me again and again..

we come from a religious family. and when i found out that he went clubbing, i was devastated. I also saw that he received an sms frm this woman he knew online.. that woman called him sayang.. i confronted that woman, she apologised and admitted that there was nothing going on btw her my hb..

however, my hb is the type who never leaves any trail behind.. he would clear all history and his hp inbox, sent items.. so that i cant see anything.. he would even go to the extend by putting his hp in his pocket when he goes to slp.. i feel very depressed by his actions and i knew that he is hiding even more stuffs from me..

i did sumtin which i wasnt really proud off.. i hacked into his email acc and his social networking site. now my heart is hurting like hell.. i wished i never hacked into his email acc..

i noe im having depression rite now.. but i dunoe where to seek help.. is there anyone out there that is willing to help me? :-(

 

[miloice]

While the truth hurts... it wakes you up.

There are counselloring etc. but u need to self help. Make that step towards moving on.

For now, cry, find friends to offer listening ears etc. You need time to accept the truth. Take time. There is no rush.

 

[lost_taurus]

eversince im married to my hb.. i dun have any more friends..

i dont have anyone to talk to..

 

[coldcut]

You need to talk to your hb about it, don't keep quiet and take it yourself. If you want to save the marriage, talk to him.

Dont everything yes yes ok, find out what you want to know and lastly dont do things you wouldn't want him to do.

There are guys out there who might try to take advantage of your problems and try to get close to you, i'm not saying there is but there might, be careful and alert. Reality bites.

Talk to someone close, your best friends perhaps. Go out somewhere peaceful not secluded to clear your mind, East coast park beach or something and think rationally, humans mind tend to wander off or break when pushed into a corner.

Cooping up at home and think might not get you anywhere. Take advice from friends you trust and decide what you want to do, not what your friends say you should do. Ultimately you are the one making decision in your life.

Lastly dont do anything rash, it never helps. Your age, you are still consider young, still have a long way to go. So thats all i got to advice. Take care and be well.

 

[coldcut]

talk to your HB about it, its crucial that you talk to your HB, but also be aware since this is open forum, there are all sorts of people and all sorts of replies. We can only suggest.

 

[clipperjunk]

you must have some education and skill to be able to hack into your hb's account...or did he leave his password around...lol...regardless, speak to him and get a definite answer and a solution....more importantly it's time for you to be independent and take charge of your own life, with or without the man...

 

[cuclainne]

it's a misconception that some people hold - must cut off all ties to your 'old' life (prior to getting married) once you have taken the vow.

getting married doesn't mean that you're not entitled to having your own friends, your own hobbies, your own personal time-off, etc ..

being your own individual self is one of the best things you can bring into your relationship .. frankly i'd be bored stiff if my husband likes everything that i do - like marrying a carbon copy of myself, right?

rebuild your relationships with your friends, family .. and have a talk with the husband. you can seek advise here but ultimately you are the one who decides on what to do ..

 

[powder]

u take 1 eagle from jurong birdpark... then u match it with an eagle from tioman birdpark... and u throw them into sentosa birdpark...

one day u let 1 eagle out and it flies over the far... over the grand canyon and the highest mountains, past continents, touches the seas, perches on the oldest trees...

then u want the eagle to come back to sentosa birdpark.

in the first place, both of u shouldn't even be in cages... u were caged by religious obedience and pressure to remain in your cages... u never explored.

sometimes i wonder why pple keep their virginity when they dun know what they're keeping. they keep their goody-goodyness without knowing the other side...

 

[texasholdem]

get a PI and investigate.

 

[lost_taurus]

yes, the truth really hurts.. but it does wakes me up.. to the fact that i don't wish to face and admit.

we've been married for almost 6 years now and have 2 kids. The reason why we are both 2 different people, its because we got married at a really young age. Me being the social outcast and him being the social butterfly.

I ever tried to take revenge on him.. many times.. to prove him that I can be like him too but I just couldnt bring myself to do it because I cant bear to see him get hurt. In order to prevent him from getting hurt, i ended up getting my heart bruised and shattered over and over again for the past few years..

Its like we are going through a vicious cycle. This is not the first time it happened. And when it happened, he would be remorse and ask for my forgiveness. Me being emotionally dependant on him, forgived him time and again. I am just too weak to move on without him.

Eversince we got married, he has his own sets of friends while I dumped all my friends away thinking that I am a wife now.. a mother.. I have a family to care for.. I dont have the time for friends.

I did try to tell him that I wish to get to know his friends. After all, most couple have their own sets of friends together. But each time I asked, he would get agitated and started accusing me of not trusting him.

I admit that I have trust issue with him. Its all because he is very secretive in whatever things he do.

 

[lost_taurus]

no, i am not some educated woman who is skillful with the world wide web. and no, my husband never leave behind his password or anything.

I was the one who hacked into his email account/s. I never knew he had so many email account. I surfed the net and learnt how to hack an email acc. The reason I did what I did was my gut feelings tells me that he was hiding a lot of things from me. I also cant afford to hire a PI. So hacking into his email acc was the next best thing to do. Considering that he would never told me what he had done..

I feel guilty because of what I did. I created a bogus email add.. saved the pictures and send myself the pics to my email account. I showed him the pictures. He was livid with anger. The moment he saw the pics, he wasnt really concerned about me. I was crying my heart out. Instead of comforting me and explaining things to me, he called every single one of his friends to find out who "backstabbed" him.

He even said that the person who send the malicious emails [which was me], will get his/her retribution. He said he would also beat the hell out of that person. I didnt know what makes him think that his "buddy" was the one who did it.

I feel bad for his friend for getting accused. I wanted so bad to tell him that I was the one behind everything. But I know things will look bad on me. Instead of me being the victim, I would end up being the person to beg for his forgiveness.

I just dont understand why he was so angry that "someone" had exposed him. He insisted on finding out the culprit.

Should I tell him that I was the one who did the job? This so far is the biggest fight we had in years we are together as a couple. This discovery really put my marriage on the rocks.

He cried and begs for my forgiveness. He said he would do everything to gain my trust again. He said that he really love me and the kids.. But the thing is, I have heard that many times before.. but it still happened.. again and again..

I have been crying myself to sleep for the past few days. I guess I am really broken and shattered this time around..

I really am at lost what to do...

 

[baggyeyes]

Hi Taurus,

understand your feelings....similar to mine.

Have you seriously thought of what are the options you can have if marriage fails? Probably the question you should ask yourself is....Do you still want this marriage?

If yes, what can you and your husband do to save it? See counsellor? What kind of commitment should your husband make to make you believe him? What kind of changes should you yourself do?

If no, what are the options available? separation first as cooling period? Who take care of kids, etc?

Maybe get the first question answered first?

 

[sylar]

hey, no point telling him you got into his account. it will only make the situation worse.

And it is evident that he didn't feel he wronged you nor respect you.

There is 2 ways to go about this. Either you strongly confront him about this marriage and your relationship with him and ask him for a definite answer, and also depends on whether you can forgive him should he choose to save the marriage. but be warned, that since the trust is gone, it is very difficult to rebuild. You must really let go of this episode.

The alternative is to better arm and protect yourself. Engaging a PI is not expensive, on average, I would say about 3K.

You should also have saved all his emails into pdf format. I know it's not proof but at least you have something to hold against him.

And you shouldn't confront him any more from now on. I know it's a damn difficult thing to do. But you must hide your knowledge from him. Get hard evidence.

Once you've gathered sufficient proof, you can then plan your next move. But remember your evidence is valid for 6 months.

 

[baggyeyes]

Hi Sylar,

Evidence valid for 6 mths....you mean to be used in court for divorce case?

 

[dfusionx]

Taurus,

Life ain't smooth sailing as it is going to be now as you have discovered heart-wrecking stuffs thru emails of your HB. Mistakes has been repeated again and again and it has been making you having lots of stress about it.

Your HB cover has been blown, as he has been smart covering his trails of deceit by disposing of all evidence till he was caught off-guard on the emails.

To come to terms with this type of person, so sit down and talk about it, it will be very tough.

1. If you can, perhaps think of what made his go astray?
2. Has he been like this before marriage?
3. Is there something in the marriage he wants to get but just dunnoe how to tell to you?

If it really comes worse to worse for you to feel like, final is final, u gonna leave him, u have to think of ways to cope with life after him in the future.

I hope for a better future for you..

 

[powder]

hi taurus,

before going any further, i would think it's good to actually explore the contents of the emails/discovery before we establish if your current reaction is Over-reactive, or highly valid.

reason why i'm saying this is becos u might have a set of values which are unexposed and unpolished to match with the current world. it's like how some pple still have a heavy reaction to porn... i'd think it's fair to know where u're coming from, and how your mind processes certain information...

i dun wanna jump to the conclusion that u might be a victim of your hubby Becos u could be a victim of your own inhibitions.

for now, 1 part of your mindset needs some adjustment - "Eversince we got married, he has his own sets of friends while I dumped all my friends away thinking that I am a wife now.. a mother.. I have a family to care for.. I dont have the time for friends." - this is HIGHLY Dangerous.

if i was your fren, u would have lost me. if i was your husband, u would have choked me. if i was you teenage kid, u would have over-mothered me. Do u have a life???

it's gonna be hard to intro u to frens becos what else can u talk abt? family, kids, husband? conversations are not established on 3 topics, and there are sub-topics... the less exposure u have, the less fun it is to talk to u, the more Boring u are. are u Boring?

if i was hubby, can i even have a topic outside of family/kids/household/church with u? do u have the general knowledge to sustain me in an interllectual conversation, or u will just go back to kids, school, this kid's mum etc... How's your general knowledge? towards what's currently happening in the world?

being a wife IS NOT abt dumping frens to focus on family, as with being a husband isn't abt cutting yourself out from the world to return home to family daily and just providing... it goes Beyond a thousand things... Roles are ever-changing, we've moved out of the industrial-age a long time ago YET pple are still expecting to be paid for their loyalty at work by staying 20yrs in 1 company.

is your mind being constantly updated by information? i think this will be an important factor in keeping your marriage going strong thru the years...

 

[sylar]

tired_mom, yes, any evidence collected has a validity of 6 months.

if after 6 months, it is not admissable, and deemed that the couple had tried to reconcile during this period.

 

[pokoyo]

Taurus when you go seek legal help never tell them you hack the email ok, you will be counter sue if he wish to. Secondly, if you have a PI report, best catch them on the bed nake, or entering and leaving a motel. Anything less is not a 100% win. It might let you know the reality but not a sure win to the legal case.

 

[sonypeh]

ha ha carrie,

'Secondly, if you have a PI report, best catch them on the bed nake, or entering and leaving a motel.'

i wonder how can 'catch him on the bed nake.' If what u say is truth then there many cases in that lose cos i see it almost impossible to catch them in bed and nake.

 

[may_be_divorced_soon]

Carrie,

No PI is able to get pic that catch them on the bed naked unless the PI knows beforehand which hotel and room they will check in and they have connections with the hotel staff. Even if the PI has such connections, I don't think he would do it cos he can be sued instead. Such things can only be seen on TV or in the case of celebrities' scandals (eg. Malaysian Health Minister's case, Taiwan politican's case) and you do not know which the culprit is.

As for entering and leaving a motel, it may be easier to get.

 

[powder]

may i know where the deduction of her hubby sleeping with another woman came from?

am i missing something?

 

[coldcut]

1. Talk to your HB
2. Dont do the same thing to him, things you won't want him to do to you
3. Think of the kids before acting..because kids are the one who will suffer in the end
4. You need to think is there anything that cause your hb to be like this? Theres always a tipping point
5. Be Strong...

 

[baggyeyes]

thanks sylar.

 

[lost_taurus]

hi peeps,

thank you so much for the advice. me and hubby finally talked things out..

what i found out about my hb is not as bad as what others might think. no, my hb never slept with another woman. no, my hb never had another woman. but that was what he told me. but i am still feeling insecure. i found out that he joined this "group" on the social networking site. this "group" often had gatherings.. like going out as a group, going clubbing together.. i also found out my hb also took pics with this woman with his hands draped around her.. and his cheeks side by side with her.. but none of the pics are taken as a couple. most are group shots. what i dont understand is that why he must always take pics beside that woman.. and why is his hand always draping ard her.. that is what i am most hurt about.. i am also hurt that he went clubbing without me.. i really dont mind that he went clubbing.. but i wished i was a part of everything.. the group.. the gathering.. the meet ups.. that i what i am most upset about.. i was so crushed..

all i wanted was to be part of his life.. his social life.. me meeting and interacting with his friends.. hanging out together.. as a couple.. as a friend.. i was crushed because he lied to me also.. he always tell mi that he has to work on night shift.. i believed him.. but it was those "night shifts" that he was out having fun as a single male..

when i asked him.. why i was never included.. he said that it was because.. he dont want me to become like those girls.. wearing skimpy clothings, drinking and smoking.. but i felt that his reason was so unfair.. i thought as a couple we should have fun together.. with our friends.. his friends to be exact as i dont have friends anymore..

do you think his reason is fair?

 

[lost_taurus]

i also told him the truth.. that i was behind everything.. but i never really told him i hacked into his email.. i just lied that i peeped at him once..

he admitted his mistakes.. he was willing to start things fresh.. like closing all our existing email accounts.. so that we will cut of contacts with our current contacts.. he closed his online social networking acc.. he was also trying his best to be honest with me.. he created a new email acc and provided me with the password.. to be sure that he was telling the truth.. i checked on him once more.. indeed he was not lying.. he was telling the truth.. he apologised to me and said that i meant the world to him and didnt want to lose me and this family..

but i never told him that i forgive him.. but deep in my heart.. im trying really hard to forgive him.. as i love him so much.. then i stopped spying and checking on him.. as i really want to leave everything behind..

now.. as much as i hate to admit it.. the problem lies with me.. each time his hp rings or receive an sms.. i would ask him.. who is dat person.. i started interogating him this and that. why, when and where.. initially his replies were usually very sweet.. but then he started getting irritated by my attitude.. because i was very kepo.. demanding to know every single detail about everything.. then he began to blew his top and scolded me..

i know, i am at fault this time around. but i tried and still trying to built trust again. but i just cant. i really just cant. after being deceived by him so many times, i just find it hard to trust him again.

i need help. i really do. because i can feel myself turning into this possessive and obsessed woman who wants to poke my nose into every single thing that my hb does. advice doesnt work. ive read many self-help book on how to build trust again. but i will still find my way to poke my nose into everything.

i believe i need to see a counsellor. i need someone to counsel me. but i dont know where to find one. and also my hb also doesnt understand how it feels like to be in my shoe. to be deceived over and over again. i want us to seek help from a marriage counsellor as i really dont want to ruin this marriage. i love my kids alot. and i dont want one day they will ask me how come mummy and daddy are no longer together.

please.. if there is anyone or couple out there who has been through marriage counselling, please guide me. as i need someone to show me the way.

 

[lost_taurus]

and yes, i did tried to tell my best friend about this. her ans hurt me most. she told me to dump him as she wants me to be happy.

my friend doesnt understand the way i feel as she is not married and does not have kids. thats why her way of thinking is diff..

i am someone who sees marriage as something very sacred and holy.. so i dont really believe in leaving this marriage without even trying. i am lucky compared to most other women who found out that their spouse cheated on them. i feel blessed in a way that i chose to hack into his email acc. coz nothing really major like an affair has happened.

 

[vios]

Hi taurus,

i agree with powder on many counts.... the fact is that your own concept of a marriage life is highly questionable - note, that i never say it's wrong - but it's accumulatively harmful to yourself as an individual, harmful to your hubby as another individual and definitely harmful to a marriage that is an union between two different persons.

And when you imposed your own marriage ideas without any due consideration for your hubby, he would surely feel like a 'son' to his wife.

I'm quite sure he is likely to bring you along to meet his friends if you aren't that 'motherly' to being with - your eagerness could be a positive point, but it WILL start to point towards the other direction when you misuse it.

No books or counsellor can help you to build Trust if you are not accepting these discussed facts, which clearly indicate that you are the bigger problem.

 

[lost_taurus]

hi vious,

i do agree with your post and powder's post. I guessed i might have set such high values on marriage that it might have choked my hb.

pple say i changed alot after i was married. i used to be outspoken, bubbly and a friendly person. that was how my hb n me got together in the first place. he said i was a fun person to be with. however things changed. i became a teenage mum. being a mum at a really young age was very stressful. i was depressed most of the time. i guessed what happened has altered most of my personality.

i became conservative and always keep to myself. and to be honest, the reason why i have become what i am today is because of my low self-esteem. each time i see myself in the mirror, i hate myself. I blamed myself for being ugly and fat and unattractive. i began to shut myself from the outside world. i stopped meeting new people as i always thought people wouldnt be interested to know such an ugly person like me. never did once i feel great about myself each time i look in the mirror eversince i got married. i have inferiority complex. i hated myself and then i have become overprotective over myself and the ones close to me. during this phase, i might have become bossy and queen control. but deep down inside, i feel that i am an ugly person.

till now, i am still blaming myself. i keep telling myself that the reason why hb didnt take me out to meet his friends is because i am ugly and unattractive.

the reason why i am what i am today is because of my inferiority complex. i didnt realise that i made myself to be this kind of person until i reflected on what you and powder have posted.

i yearn to find that old bubbly lovable self of mine in the past.. i got lost.. and i cant seem to find my way back. :-(

 

[powder]

hi taurus,

i think u might have taken the 1st step... self reflection. of cos it's useless if u leave yourself un-improved... becos what's gonna happen is - u let yourself fall further down... chinese say 'duo luo'.

since u know how u got here, i'm sure u know how to find your way back. dun doubt yourself for one moment... u Can change. take slow steps, and u'll get there.

i'll start by being honest... if u're my wife, i am unlikely to proactively introduce u around to frens and bring u out to mingle. Nope, it has nothing to do with your looks, although i assume u'll at least dressup abit to the occasion. main reason would be abt Confidence n Personality...

ask yourself a few very very simple questions... if u were hubby... would u like to hang out with frens who are exactly like u? would u ask yourself out? would u be enthusiastic to introduce yourself to pple?

i believe u will have your answer... now that u know the problems, how do u apply effective solutions Slowly but surely? appearance-wise is the easiest... becos Personality shines after the 1st few minutes of appearance... so all u need is a sincere smile, decent attire and common interesting topics...

work on these first...

as for him & your insecurity... i'll just say that it's Not gonna actually bring u any closer by keeping such close watch of him. Do u feel like u guys are Closer at all? answer is NO. all u're getting to feed that insecurity of yours is that he wants to keep the marriage... that's not good enough, isn't it? u want a husband who wants to keep u and thank God everyday for letting him meet u.

surely, if u're on my back, checking my emails, asking me who calls etc... i'm not gonna be thanking the Lord alot... in fact i may be cursing myself.

who can change all these? u and Your attitude... i have not heard of prison wardens being greatly loved by their prisoners... nor teachers who always check on whether u did your homework, being loved by students... nor bosses who miscro-manage being loved by employees... i do know there's alot more Dislike and Irritation then Like... let alone love...

lastly, pls find your own activities n life outside of just marriage. at home see u, go out must bring u, outside with frens must entertain u (this one my assumption)... will die one u know?

 

[pink_sapphire]

Hi Taurus

do try to build up your own circle of friends again. u need some fresh air out of house once in a while too besides babying your child and taking care of your husband. after all with more friends u can also have ppl to exchange pointers with on how to take care of the family better.
start calling up your old friends again la
part of a lady's attractiveness to her man is her ability to be strong and independent.

 

[vios]

taurus,

exactly..... it's actually good to know that you are beginning to understand deeper about your current state. Rem, your hubby married the bubbly-You, he loves the lovable-You, he took the vows with the Confident-You..... and for sure, no one expects these major shift in your personalities - ie.possessive, low self-esteem, moody. And, you're still wondering earlier, why you are having trust issues?

As powder put it, apply the solutions bit by bit and must be out of your own will..... it's far better than just knowing but no actions, right?

 

[baggyeyes]

Hi Taurus,

You can approach any Family Service Centre in any part of S'pore. Just walk in. Or you can call up to make an appointment.

I'm in a similar situation and am going through counselling. I need a 3rd party to view our problems as I'm lost as well. Wanted to believe but don't know how to as what my hubby kept telling me is "Trust me...YOu have to believe me" and he couldn't even tell me what he would change/do to make me trust him.

I'm hoping that our counselling sessions would be successful.

But one thing for sure....we must first cross that border in our heart to trust our partner IF we have already decided to. I am going through that phase and I know it IS DEFINITELY very difficult. It's all in your mind.

Do give it a try, talk to a counsellor....

 

[scarycat]

Dear taurus, looking through your posts, I realised that I have a friend who has quite a similar case as you. We have knew each other since primary school.

All along I knew what happened btw her and her husband as she did told me regularly. She has a son and also a teenage mum.

I understand why your best friend will answer you this way cos I told her the same thing too. I guessed I have hurt our friendship. Like your best friend, I am also not married yet so we do not understand how a married woman with kids really feel and think. I have not been a good friend. I was not good at expressing myself and most people will find me too straight but I just cant stand the way her husband has been treating her. I do not want her to be deceived by her husband over n over again. I dont understand what is there to hide since he claim there is nothing going on. If he wants to change, he would have changed long ago.

You need help from your friends and family to move on. My friend has not called me for some time. Here I am, sitting and typing and wondering how she is now. I hope she is doing fine and moving on and be a brave woman like how she was before she got married. I understand how you feel when you are talking about trust. I poke my nose into my bf's every single affair even though we are not married yet.

And please do not say that you are fat and unattractive. Every woman is a beauty created by god. Have confidence in yourself!

Tell your husband that you would like to join in his gathering. Assure him that you will not change to become like his clubbing ladies friends as joining the gathering is to also spend more time with him. Go for a ride once in a while after your kids have turned in. Going to grocery shopping is also a form of dating. I wish you luck with your family and best friend!!!!

 

[sha82]

u know my dear.. your case is so similar to the last few episodes of a TV serial called Happily Ever After by Jack Neo that has been airing on Octo (channel 8) the last few days. I have no idea wht the next few episodes are going to be showing. But so far, the story is so similar to yous. The wife is a successful career woman... and she is trying so hard to be a successful mom and wife also. But somehow she lacks self esteem tremendously and genuinely feels she is unattractive and that her husband is embarrased by her. She refuses to attend events with her husband for fear that his colleaugues will laugh at him for having an unattractive wife. When in actual fact, she's perfectly decent looking!And this is the MAIn thing affecting her marriage!
Sigh.. pls build up your esteem dearie. It's not going to be easy.. bt u owe it to yourself. N I am so certain your husband won't be able to resist the new, confident you.
I do feel your husband was quite mean in what he said about not wanting you to become like those women he hangs out with. It's a bit double standard. He wants to hang out with these ladies bt doesnt want his wife to be like them.. I dont get him honestly. To me it's a bit MCPish. But I am not sure if I am reading things wrongly.
Whatever it is... whether he is right or wrong in saying what he said, is secondary. Primary is for you to build you esteem and confidence back to what it was.
Go out, do new interesting things.. show your husband you have your own life too and don't rely ONLY on him.
Retail therapy and a fresh new look always helps a person's confidence.

Indulge in yourself dear..

New haircut, new clothes maybe some facials.. go for a run, take up some sports lessons.. n just see what that does for your confidence and esteem.

Wish you all the best.. I hope things get better in your marriage and that you become a new confident woman!

Take care....

 

[applepie2]

Taurus,

I feel my situation is quite simiar to you. I only want to point out something to you as below :

(1) u say u both are relgious. Just rem if we use religion as a gauge, we will end up upset with the "God" we believe in and even backslide in time to come. Dun tie religion to him, cos the "god" may be perfect in our eyes, but we are imperfect afterall.

(2)I have learn that trust is important. My hubby is also secretive, hide things from me, lies to cover up. TO be able to always struggle with trust or not, is really tough. ANd yes, like yours, other woman also keep sms him mushy words..

If u still think he is trustworty, than u ve to forget all his wrong and learn to trust him again. cos to live/love/cope with distrust is really tough. I have come to a point I m mentally tired cos every of his lies will always be uncovered by itself...what he claims is truth is eventually lies...

Is impt to have communal friends. I feel friends are impt. Dun evolve ur life all around your hubby...our life still ve other things like family, friends....

I ve learn a heavy lesson in my case...Trust take many years to build but lies can damaged it..

Marriage may be sacred but it takes 2 to clap. u may think is sacred but he may or may not think so...if such, there isn't any common goal right.

 

[jupiter123]

taurus,
dont feel sad. i experience worse things than u can imagine. and i still move on...Since u have kids already, i would advise u keep this marriage. The kids are the one who will suffer, u must think for them.

 

[lost_taurus]

hi Powder,

what you said is true. keeping such a close watch on my hb doesnt make us more closer. in fact he became even more distant from me. :-(

Tired_Mom (baggyeyes)
Thanks for telling me about the family service centre. I wasnt aware of such centre as ive not heard about it before. i will surf the net and read up more about it. hopefully, i will have the courage to go to a counsellor. as like what you said, a 3rd party's view is quite impt as they are able to see things more rationally. and yes, going through the phase of trusting your partner again is painful and extremely hard. and i thank you for your concern. I also wish you and hb will works things out again.

what powder, vios, pink_sapphire, chloe, bearyhug said is true.. i dun have a life.. my whole life practically evolve ard my hb n my family. I dont have friends. I've thought about what you guys have said.. i need to go out more.. meet more new people and pamper myself.. so that i will have my own life.. but i am still struggling making the 1st step. which i hope i would accomplish it soon.. and slowly..

 

[lost_taurus]

hi sha82,
your post really caught my eyes. because every single word that you written.. totally describes me perfectly.. well except for the fact that im not a successful career woman. but im a full-time working mum though. i feel that i am so caught up in being a working mum, good wife, good mum, good daughter-in-law that i lost my good old self..

i do get people complimenting me that i look great for a mother of 2. and most people that i have just met are in disbelief when i told them i am a mum to 2 kids. and i also do get guys hitting on me. but despite all these "compliments", each time when i stood beside my hb, i begin to feel like im the most ugliest woman around. i started comparing myself with other women. i would often hang my head low and avoid all eye-contacts. and i get very uncomfortable when pple look at me each time im together with my hb. i felt like an alien. and each time i hear my hb's colleagues laughing, i get upset. because i knew they were laughing at me.. which my hb told me that im always too paranoid.

but reading your post makes me feel a wee bit better. coz i felt i wasnt alone. there are also other women out there who might be just like me. thank you for your well wishes and i hope i will find the strength to love myself and be a confident woman.

 

[lost_taurus]

each time i feel down & tempted to check on my hb's internet usage history, i would open this thread and read every single post by me and all the other members.

after reading it, i would feel better.. and my mind doesnt tend to wander of on unhealthy thoughts.. its like releasing the built-up hatred in me towards my hb's attitude over and over again..

right now, i am thinking of getting a new job. i knew my option is a little risky amidst the economic crisis going on now. i just feel that, getting a new job feels like starting afresh once again.. a change in envt and i get to meet new people. it also helps to keep my mind occupied. currently my workplace, there's like only the 2 of us in the office. so we basically see each other day in and day out.. with not much room for me to interact with the outside world.

because for me, my daily routine would be work, home and sleep..

 

[powder]

hi taurus,

Control is something tat contradicts Freedom. which of these 2 are more important to u?

alot of pple think that having control is good, but isit? actually with a sporean mentality - control is Bad. becos most times when we control - we Really control... down to every little thing.

is there any wonder that we have quite alot of maid-abuse cases? besides having controlling-bosses at work? we're obsessed with control... u know why?

this is where our sporean mentality comes in... it's becos we are highly afraid of failure. it's ingrained in us to Avoid failure at all costs... combine this with asian face-saving culture, and u've got for yourself a bad mix.

we're very eager to know results, to know if we're gonna be disappointed, to know movie endings, to know what happens in a serial EVEN though it's always the same storyline... All these tells us something abt ourselves.

honestly, life is a bag of surprises good and bad... u can't chase results and control too often... sometimes u've gotta let life slowly unravel itself...

when we make choices, most times it's becos we want to. Not becos we 'have no choice' like wat most sporeans say... the reason we often say 'no choice' is becos we dun wanna be responsible for our own decisions, and we're already trying to standby something/someone we can blame on...

i have never checked my ex-gfrens/wife's handphone... nor email... nor even gone into their frenster/facebook accounts to surf around... never needed to nor want to. if they leave me i'm fine... if they cheat on me i'm fine... i will always have the choice to choose to be happy. i dun revolve my life around relationships... frenships/frens are equally important to me... my wife knows that. she is also aware that i spend time sharing thoughts in sgbrides... she also doesn't check my hp, emails etc... we were never pple who need to control each other. we're in a marriage becos we wanna walk a journey in life together, and we're aware tat Life is bigger than our marriage and each other...

and Life encompasses our careers, frenships, family, hobbies n passion, dreams n goals, and everything that we had Before we met. all these things do not go away becos of marriage... they remain.

 

[sha82]

glad i could be of some help Taurus... Hang in there and just go all out for YOURSELF this time.

we have to remember our own individuality and not lose ourselves.. We may think we are sacrificing oour individuality for the wellbeing of our family.. bt in the long run, we are in fact harming it.
I wish you all the very very best...

 

[miloice]

hi taurus,

I'm addressing to your low self-esteem issues and would like to share some of my personal views and experiences.

Looks are really skin deep. Everyone likes a pretty face but for any conversation and friendship to go beyond, it is the personality that counts. A confident person shines.

If physical appearance really matters for you, u can do something about it. Work out, slim down, doll up etc.

I grew up with a very low self esteem too. I was badly bullied in school and I always thought its because I was fat but not big and strong enough and therefore the target. But as I grown beyond that, I realize it is my reactions to ridicules that trig the interest of my friends. Furthermore, I mumber quite alot. The more stress I'm under, my tongue just gets twisted. The stress would make me feel like crying. It affected my entire life as a child and teen and even to my working career.

Alot of the negativity of low self-esteem are really self imposed. Once you free yourself from it, the confidence will come with it. In school, I could never go through an interview without stumbling on my words. I always struggled in my oral exams. No matter how well practise I was, I always under perform in my piano exams. It was the same when I was in the band, I wanted so much to be the soloist but flopped whenever I was given the chance.

This went on in my work. But, I never give up. I took every opportunity to present seriously. I practiced and practiced. Also, I learnt to open up to not just peers but to the management and colleagues globally. That, has taken a turn in my career. Instead of waiting for opportunities to be recognized by the management, I'm getting myself connected and well recognized within the corporate. Till today, I'm still not natural talker, but I lack no confidence in myself and look forward to getting better in the next level. Working on better negotiation skills and more practice.

Its the same with bgr, always getting stuck and becoming nothing but a boring shy chap. Again, its practice, I never give up and kept improving my relationship even now after marriage.

In everything, we can always choose to react positively or negatively. It doesn't matter what you are lacking today. If you can recognize amd accept your flaws and keep improving yourself, confidence will come. But, if you let it bring yourself down, you will always be magnifying your own flaws and letting it manifest and consume you in negativity.

 

[sha82]

well said Milo!

 

[happygal958]

Milo,
Thanks for your sharing. It's really inspiring

 

[tan33a]

ya.. not that i need it, but very well said, milo. =)

 

[miloice]

in my 1st crush... i was a stalker. Totally freaked the poor gal out badly. Self-esteem have an big impact on us.

 

[bloomy12]

Hi Taurus,

Thanks for sharing your stories. Like you, i hv problems with trust. I wish I can do wat powder does, not finding the need to check on my spouse's hp, email etc... cos once we see something amiss, we predict the ending based on our own perceptions, n act based on that.

Powder says, " honestly, life is a bag of surprises good and bad... u can't chase results and control too often... sometimes u've gotta let life slowly unravel itself..." I guess so. Sometimes i wonder, if im gone tmr, wat do i want to do today? Suddenly my insecurities feels less important.

Then on self esteem. I think im alrite. I know im sought after. I know im capable. I know if i want something, chances are I can get it. But i dunno y i still feel insecure. Dunno. Maybe becos I fear losing him. But I know I will get over him, if n when we go separate ways. But i jus fear making the life changing decision. I guess jus fear the unknown. Or maybe like Powder said, I don want to take responsbility for my decision. Maybe...

 

[sgbabydoll]

"But i jus fear making the life changing decision."

Having read your posts in the past, I just like to point out that you already had a life changing experience despite that you haven't decided to stay on or walk out.

 

[powder]

peppermint,

think u'll get on the right track if u take reference thinking abt death... it sounds morbid, but when u think abt death - as in u try to imagine yourself no longer existing... and it's just a blank, it's just a Nothingness... u will break out in cold sweat...

but most imptly, i think u will realise that this really really is the only life we have and every minute and second is so so impt... our existence is here and now... not tomorrow nor next year... we need to respect our existence and the ones who put us here... there's just so many aspects in life if we just open ourselves up to the world... i feel sad when i see pple just focus on relationship and nothing else... it betrays the very existence...

but i guess that's a very personal opinion...

 

[starrynite78]

maybe its best to sort things out 1st & decide what you want...I regret that I never handle my marriage properly and I am letting the one I once loved most to leave...