My HB & I have been married for 9 months and we bought a resale flat. We have had a lot of clashes but always managed to work it out. I admit most of the time the quarrels started because I nagged at him to help out in household chores or because of his stingyness.
However, the last quarrel we had, he turned quite violent, throwing & smashing glass all over the living room. We were both heated up & shouting when he approached and grabbed my neck. I hit his hands and he let go but as I back up towards the kitchen window, he approached and grabbed my neck a second time, while we were both shouting. As my HB works out and is quite big-sized, I could feel the pressure of his hands squeezing down on my neck and i could feel his body shaking in constraint as he tried to regain control of himself. He finally released me when I shouted HELP very loudly. It was late at night and some neighbours made noises when they heard me shouting for help.
After that we continued arguing loudly as he went to clean up all the shattered glass and he used the broom to point at me in a threatening manner. He challenged me to report the incident to the police, and taunted me that there is no mark on my neck, who would believe. He also brought in irrelevant subjects such as I'm a PR here, come to steal the citizen's jobs and take their government money whereas I have not contributed anything to their government (such as NS). I'm a female, I dont know what he expect me to contribute?? As I'm a secretary, he also taunted that all i know how to do is make coffee for my boss. He even went as far as calling my mother a "f*cking pariah" because she came for a short holiday (10 days) and stayed with us and she bought cakes and edibles for his family and she paid all the groceries and cooked and cleaned for us during that 10 days BUT she didnt buy him any gift as a mother-in-law, and yet she agreed with me that he is stingy. In contrast to his family who paid for the wedding expenses, the matrimony bed (mattress), my make-up artist and my $100 wedding gown, he felt my mom had no right to call him stingy. His family paid for our honeymoon air-ticket ($2000) and I paid for the hotel stay overseas ($800).
I got angry and called him a useless bum as he has remained jobless for the past 1 year. I know this is a sore point for him and he has been depressed about it for some time already. I shouldnt have said that and really regretted it.
For those of you who remember me based on my nick, you might remember I talked about his 'gay friends' problem before. Anyway, he also brought all those "past problems" up (which we had actually settled last time but apparently he had not let go yet) during this fight. He said he has observed my family during his visit to my country and found i'm from a petty and selfish breed. My family and relatives were very nice to him during the 3 or 4 times he visited. Every time each relative will treat us out to lunch or dinner whenever we go back and a lot of my relatives keep giving him compliments. So I dont know based on what incident he came to that conclusion.
Our argument ended with both of us agreeing to divorce.
I have never been afraid of my HB but that night i couldnt sleep. I was awake thinking of possibility of him coming in to the bedroom to strangle or harm me. I could hear him cursing and moving things around as he cleared up his records from the shattered glasses. Finally at 4+ am, everything was quiet. He slept in the spare room.
The next day, he went out early in the morning and came back with his sister in the afternoon to have a "discussion" with me. His sister said he told her I was hitting him and that he only held me to stop me from hitting him. I was shocked he had twisted the fact so easily. He also mentioned that he cant tolerate me anymore and wants to separate. I agreed.
In fights, I can understand when both parties hurl insults to each other to hurt, but I cannot take it that he had insulted my mother and used vulgarity on her. So the sister said she'll give us 1 week to re-consider our decision before we proceed to file for separation.
In the afternoon, he called his clubbing buddy and told him that he was a free man from now onwards and wanted to join him for some 'action'. He used to visit Thai discos and those clubs with hostesses quite often before we got together. His clubbing buddy and him also visited hookers frequently last time but he stopped all those after he got together with me. I was really hurt that he was so eager to be single again so fast. I mean, it was less than 24 hours after our big fight!! Before the fight, we were out walking around town hand in hand still...Anyway, in the end, either his buddy couldnt make it or cancelled on him, my HB stayed at home that night.
Today is the 4th day since our big fight. He has been sleeping in the spare room. As the TV & computer are bought by him, I refrain from using the living room and kept myself in the bedroom throughout the weekend. I only come out to the kitchen for food and drinks or to walk my dog.
I am really depressed and lost. I cant forgive him for his actions and harsh words but I cant let go. I keep switching between feeling angry and sad. I keep hoping we can talk things through and work it out and yet my "pride" keeps me from approaching him. I know he is still angry with me from his actions.
This morning I woke up specially early to take the bus to MRT station to work. Normally he drops me off at the MRT station. In the bus, I kept thinking back on our quarrel. He said he had tolerated me enough. I know i nagged at him a lot. He has been staying home everyday surfing internet or going out to his favorite flea market. When I come home, I have to cook, clean, wash. Even the toilets are dirty as he has a habit of using & not flushing. Sometimes when I cook curry or gravy, he pours the leftover into the kitchen toilet bowl and leave it there until if i use that toilet and spot it (which could be days later), i will immediately flush & clean the grease from the bowl. I feel tired too but he called me a cleanliness freak and told me off for wasting too much water.
We clash in everything, our character, hygiene habits etc. He likes flea market, 2nd hand branded clothes, luxury watches which he buys and sells after he loses interest. I dont mind spending $40 on a new brand-less dress (which he says is too expensive for a mass China product but since its my money, he only grumbles but doesnt stop me from buying), i dont even own a watch, preferring to depend on my handphone for time. I like to communicate and tell him everything that happened in my office whereas he feels it a chore to talk to me about anything 'unimportant' so he rarely starts any conversation with me unless I ask him questions to which he will give short answers.
I have insecurity issues, I admit. Whenever he gets many SMS consecutively, I will ask who it is. Sometimes when he's messaging someone, I will peek over his shoulder. He has very few friends and most dont keep in touch with him, except for his clubbing buddy who will sometimes text to ask him to lend money. Whenever we're at coffee shop having a meal, when I look up to talk to him, if I notice his eyes roaming around, I will turn to see which pretty girl has caught his eye. I will not mention anything but will just take note. He has this habit of looking around behind me even when i'm talking to him.
Despite all the differences, we were still together and I know he loved me in his own way. His sister said he cried when he talked to her. And in most of our quarrels, he was the first to approach me after we cooled off.
Over the weekend, I had nobody to confide to. I made many overseas calls to my mother and she was very upset that he laid hand on me, urging me to divorce him.
Right now, I am not sure what I want yet. I seriously feel he would not have harmed me, now that I have time to think about it. Yet I do not know how to reconcile matters.
Other than find out more information and seek advise here.
We are married less than a year, with a resale flat. Should we proceed with separation and hope for reconcillation during this period? During this stage, can we stay in the same house or one party has to move out? During the 2 years of separation, what will happen to our HDB?
I am 33 and he is 38 this year.
However, the last quarrel we had, he turned quite violent, throwing & smashing glass all over the living room. We were both heated up & shouting when he approached and grabbed my neck. I hit his hands and he let go but as I back up towards the kitchen window, he approached and grabbed my neck a second time, while we were both shouting. As my HB works out and is quite big-sized, I could feel the pressure of his hands squeezing down on my neck and i could feel his body shaking in constraint as he tried to regain control of himself. He finally released me when I shouted HELP very loudly. It was late at night and some neighbours made noises when they heard me shouting for help.
After that we continued arguing loudly as he went to clean up all the shattered glass and he used the broom to point at me in a threatening manner. He challenged me to report the incident to the police, and taunted me that there is no mark on my neck, who would believe. He also brought in irrelevant subjects such as I'm a PR here, come to steal the citizen's jobs and take their government money whereas I have not contributed anything to their government (such as NS). I'm a female, I dont know what he expect me to contribute?? As I'm a secretary, he also taunted that all i know how to do is make coffee for my boss. He even went as far as calling my mother a "f*cking pariah" because she came for a short holiday (10 days) and stayed with us and she bought cakes and edibles for his family and she paid all the groceries and cooked and cleaned for us during that 10 days BUT she didnt buy him any gift as a mother-in-law, and yet she agreed with me that he is stingy. In contrast to his family who paid for the wedding expenses, the matrimony bed (mattress), my make-up artist and my $100 wedding gown, he felt my mom had no right to call him stingy. His family paid for our honeymoon air-ticket ($2000) and I paid for the hotel stay overseas ($800).
I got angry and called him a useless bum as he has remained jobless for the past 1 year. I know this is a sore point for him and he has been depressed about it for some time already. I shouldnt have said that and really regretted it.
For those of you who remember me based on my nick, you might remember I talked about his 'gay friends' problem before. Anyway, he also brought all those "past problems" up (which we had actually settled last time but apparently he had not let go yet) during this fight. He said he has observed my family during his visit to my country and found i'm from a petty and selfish breed. My family and relatives were very nice to him during the 3 or 4 times he visited. Every time each relative will treat us out to lunch or dinner whenever we go back and a lot of my relatives keep giving him compliments. So I dont know based on what incident he came to that conclusion.
Our argument ended with both of us agreeing to divorce.
I have never been afraid of my HB but that night i couldnt sleep. I was awake thinking of possibility of him coming in to the bedroom to strangle or harm me. I could hear him cursing and moving things around as he cleared up his records from the shattered glasses. Finally at 4+ am, everything was quiet. He slept in the spare room.
The next day, he went out early in the morning and came back with his sister in the afternoon to have a "discussion" with me. His sister said he told her I was hitting him and that he only held me to stop me from hitting him. I was shocked he had twisted the fact so easily. He also mentioned that he cant tolerate me anymore and wants to separate. I agreed.
In fights, I can understand when both parties hurl insults to each other to hurt, but I cannot take it that he had insulted my mother and used vulgarity on her. So the sister said she'll give us 1 week to re-consider our decision before we proceed to file for separation.
In the afternoon, he called his clubbing buddy and told him that he was a free man from now onwards and wanted to join him for some 'action'. He used to visit Thai discos and those clubs with hostesses quite often before we got together. His clubbing buddy and him also visited hookers frequently last time but he stopped all those after he got together with me. I was really hurt that he was so eager to be single again so fast. I mean, it was less than 24 hours after our big fight!! Before the fight, we were out walking around town hand in hand still...Anyway, in the end, either his buddy couldnt make it or cancelled on him, my HB stayed at home that night.
Today is the 4th day since our big fight. He has been sleeping in the spare room. As the TV & computer are bought by him, I refrain from using the living room and kept myself in the bedroom throughout the weekend. I only come out to the kitchen for food and drinks or to walk my dog.
I am really depressed and lost. I cant forgive him for his actions and harsh words but I cant let go. I keep switching between feeling angry and sad. I keep hoping we can talk things through and work it out and yet my "pride" keeps me from approaching him. I know he is still angry with me from his actions.
This morning I woke up specially early to take the bus to MRT station to work. Normally he drops me off at the MRT station. In the bus, I kept thinking back on our quarrel. He said he had tolerated me enough. I know i nagged at him a lot. He has been staying home everyday surfing internet or going out to his favorite flea market. When I come home, I have to cook, clean, wash. Even the toilets are dirty as he has a habit of using & not flushing. Sometimes when I cook curry or gravy, he pours the leftover into the kitchen toilet bowl and leave it there until if i use that toilet and spot it (which could be days later), i will immediately flush & clean the grease from the bowl. I feel tired too but he called me a cleanliness freak and told me off for wasting too much water.
We clash in everything, our character, hygiene habits etc. He likes flea market, 2nd hand branded clothes, luxury watches which he buys and sells after he loses interest. I dont mind spending $40 on a new brand-less dress (which he says is too expensive for a mass China product but since its my money, he only grumbles but doesnt stop me from buying), i dont even own a watch, preferring to depend on my handphone for time. I like to communicate and tell him everything that happened in my office whereas he feels it a chore to talk to me about anything 'unimportant' so he rarely starts any conversation with me unless I ask him questions to which he will give short answers.
I have insecurity issues, I admit. Whenever he gets many SMS consecutively, I will ask who it is. Sometimes when he's messaging someone, I will peek over his shoulder. He has very few friends and most dont keep in touch with him, except for his clubbing buddy who will sometimes text to ask him to lend money. Whenever we're at coffee shop having a meal, when I look up to talk to him, if I notice his eyes roaming around, I will turn to see which pretty girl has caught his eye. I will not mention anything but will just take note. He has this habit of looking around behind me even when i'm talking to him.
Despite all the differences, we were still together and I know he loved me in his own way. His sister said he cried when he talked to her. And in most of our quarrels, he was the first to approach me after we cooled off.
Over the weekend, I had nobody to confide to. I made many overseas calls to my mother and she was very upset that he laid hand on me, urging me to divorce him.
Right now, I am not sure what I want yet. I seriously feel he would not have harmed me, now that I have time to think about it. Yet I do not know how to reconcile matters.
Other than find out more information and seek advise here.
We are married less than a year, with a resale flat. Should we proceed with separation and hope for reconcillation during this period? During this stage, can we stay in the same house or one party has to move out? During the 2 years of separation, what will happen to our HDB?
I am 33 and he is 38 this year.
