New Member
My HB & I have been married for 9 months and we bought a resale flat. We have had a lot of clashes but always managed to work it out. I admit most of the time the quarrels started because I nagged at him to help out in household chores or because of his stingyness.

However, the last quarrel we had, he turned quite violent, throwing & smashing glass all over the living room. We were both heated up & shouting when he approached and grabbed my neck. I hit his hands and he let go but as I back up towards the kitchen window, he approached and grabbed my neck a second time, while we were both shouting. As my HB works out and is quite big-sized, I could feel the pressure of his hands squeezing down on my neck and i could feel his body shaking in constraint as he tried to regain control of himself. He finally released me when I shouted HELP very loudly. It was late at night and some neighbours made noises when they heard me shouting for help.

After that we continued arguing loudly as he went to clean up all the shattered glass and he used the broom to point at me in a threatening manner. He challenged me to report the incident to the police, and taunted me that there is no mark on my neck, who would believe. He also brought in irrelevant subjects such as I'm a PR here, come to steal the citizen's jobs and take their government money whereas I have not contributed anything to their government (such as NS). I'm a female, I dont know what he expect me to contribute?? As I'm a secretary, he also taunted that all i know how to do is make coffee for my boss. He even went as far as calling my mother a "f*cking pariah" because she came for a short holiday (10 days) and stayed with us and she bought cakes and edibles for his family and she paid all the groceries and cooked and cleaned for us during that 10 days BUT she didnt buy him any gift as a mother-in-law, and yet she agreed with me that he is stingy. In contrast to his family who paid for the wedding expenses, the matrimony bed (mattress), my make-up artist and my $100 wedding gown, he felt my mom had no right to call him stingy. His family paid for our honeymoon air-ticket ($2000) and I paid for the hotel stay overseas ($800).

I got angry and called him a useless bum as he has remained jobless for the past 1 year. I know this is a sore point for him and he has been depressed about it for some time already. I shouldnt have said that and really regretted it.

For those of you who remember me based on my nick, you might remember I talked about his 'gay friends' problem before. Anyway, he also brought all those "past problems" up (which we had actually settled last time but apparently he had not let go yet) during this fight. He said he has observed my family during his visit to my country and found i'm from a petty and selfish breed. My family and relatives were very nice to him during the 3 or 4 times he visited. Every time each relative will treat us out to lunch or dinner whenever we go back and a lot of my relatives keep giving him compliments. So I dont know based on what incident he came to that conclusion.

Our argument ended with both of us agreeing to divorce.

I have never been afraid of my HB but that night i couldnt sleep. I was awake thinking of possibility of him coming in to the bedroom to strangle or harm me. I could hear him cursing and moving things around as he cleared up his records from the shattered glasses. Finally at 4+ am, everything was quiet. He slept in the spare room.

The next day, he went out early in the morning and came back with his sister in the afternoon to have a "discussion" with me. His sister said he told her I was hitting him and that he only held me to stop me from hitting him. I was shocked he had twisted the fact so easily. He also mentioned that he cant tolerate me anymore and wants to separate. I agreed.

In fights, I can understand when both parties hurl insults to each other to hurt, but I cannot take it that he had insulted my mother and used vulgarity on her. So the sister said she'll give us 1 week to re-consider our decision before we proceed to file for separation.

In the afternoon, he called his clubbing buddy and told him that he was a free man from now onwards and wanted to join him for some 'action'. He used to visit Thai discos and those clubs with hostesses quite often before we got together. His clubbing buddy and him also visited hookers frequently last time but he stopped all those after he got together with me. I was really hurt that he was so eager to be single again so fast. I mean, it was less than 24 hours after our big fight!! Before the fight, we were out walking around town hand in hand still...Anyway, in the end, either his buddy couldnt make it or cancelled on him, my HB stayed at home that night.

Today is the 4th day since our big fight. He has been sleeping in the spare room. As the TV & computer are bought by him, I refrain from using the living room and kept myself in the bedroom throughout the weekend. I only come out to the kitchen for food and drinks or to walk my dog.

I am really depressed and lost. I cant forgive him for his actions and harsh words but I cant let go. I keep switching between feeling angry and sad. I keep hoping we can talk things through and work it out and yet my "pride" keeps me from approaching him. I know he is still angry with me from his actions.

This morning I woke up specially early to take the bus to MRT station to work. Normally he drops me off at the MRT station. In the bus, I kept thinking back on our quarrel. He said he had tolerated me enough. I know i nagged at him a lot. He has been staying home everyday surfing internet or going out to his favorite flea market. When I come home, I have to cook, clean, wash. Even the toilets are dirty as he has a habit of using & not flushing. Sometimes when I cook curry or gravy, he pours the leftover into the kitchen toilet bowl and leave it there until if i use that toilet and spot it (which could be days later), i will immediately flush & clean the grease from the bowl. I feel tired too but he called me a cleanliness freak and told me off for wasting too much water.

We clash in everything, our character, hygiene habits etc. He likes flea market, 2nd hand branded clothes, luxury watches which he buys and sells after he loses interest. I dont mind spending $40 on a new brand-less dress (which he says is too expensive for a mass China product but since its my money, he only grumbles but doesnt stop me from buying), i dont even own a watch, preferring to depend on my handphone for time. I like to communicate and tell him everything that happened in my office whereas he feels it a chore to talk to me about anything 'unimportant' so he rarely starts any conversation with me unless I ask him questions to which he will give short answers.

I have insecurity issues, I admit. Whenever he gets many SMS consecutively, I will ask who it is. Sometimes when he's messaging someone, I will peek over his shoulder. He has very few friends and most dont keep in touch with him, except for his clubbing buddy who will sometimes text to ask him to lend money. Whenever we're at coffee shop having a meal, when I look up to talk to him, if I notice his eyes roaming around, I will turn to see which pretty girl has caught his eye. I will not mention anything but will just take note. He has this habit of looking around behind me even when i'm talking to him.

Despite all the differences, we were still together and I know he loved me in his own way. His sister said he cried when he talked to her. And in most of our quarrels, he was the first to approach me after we cooled off.

Over the weekend, I had nobody to confide to. I made many overseas calls to my mother and she was very upset that he laid hand on me, urging me to divorce him.

Right now, I am not sure what I want yet. I seriously feel he would not have harmed me, now that I have time to think about it. Yet I do not know how to reconcile matters.

Other than find out more information and seek advise here.

We are married less than a year, with a resale flat. Should we proceed with separation and hope for reconcillation during this period? During this stage, can we stay in the same house or one party has to move out? During the 2 years of separation, what will happen to our HDB?

I am 33 and he is 38 this year.


Active Member
would u like to refresh my memory how the 2 of u fell in love and got married?

doesn't sound like there was much of a courtship and relationship but just straight into marriage.


New Member
we met from SDU website. He emailed me for a couple of months before we arranged to meet up on New Year's eve after he closed shop for the day. At that time he had his own retail business.

Yes you're right, once we got together, our courtship days were spent at his shop with me helping out everyday after my work & on weekends. After that, he will usually fetch me back.

During those days, there were turbulence as well with a gay admirer whom he visited every few nights behind my back (on days that i cannot make it to the shop).

He insisted that he was only trying to cultivate a friendship with that guy since he was a regular at the shop. This guy stayed at a service apartment next to the mall and was calling & texting my HB several times a day besides dropping by for impromptu visits 2 or 3 times a day.

I felt uncomfortable about the frequency and we have many quarrels about it. When we were planning our wedding, this gay guy confronted why we didnt inform him about the wedding and subsequently tried to "console" my HB by asking him if he was OK. That time I came here to seek advice as well.

Anyway all that was over already once he closed shop and stop contact with that guy. However, every time we have a quarrel, he will bring up those past incidents and the quarrel will blow out of proportion...

Over the weekend, i couldnt think properly. All i could do was cry whereas I think he was just feeling angry. Today, I had some time to think and I dont want to give up this marriage yet. I just dont know how to reconcile matters with him. I'm not sure if he wants try again.


New Member
There is always a so called"Transit period" for both parties especially you had just married and stay under one roof for only 9 months. You need certain period to adapt and adjust to both habits and way of living.

Actually IMO, maybe both of you gotto work out somethings, have a nice talk about who suppose to do what as now is no longer one person but two.

No matter what, please protect yourself, he should never lay his hand on you


Well-Known Member
he has the cheek to lie to his own sister. Not man enough to admit his mistakes. Frankly, from day one, u had problems with the relationship with him and you taken as cheap labor. All the these advises given, u turned to deaf ears. Can things get any worser than now? As reluntant as you are to let go, think carefully, is there any plan to improve things and get out of the vicious cycle? If no, patching back will not make any difference. The next fight, u would be back in square, non stop nagging and no action on your side and him unable to contain his anger. Until one day, u got seriously injuried by his physical abuse on you. If you want to work on your marriage, u need a well thought of plan and the resolution to progressively see through it. Else, you are bluffing yourself.


New Member
Sorry to be blunt in such a testing time, but the only reasonable, self-loving and self-respecting action is to proceed with separation and divorce. If he can't even admit his wrongs, he will not be able to change. And from what you describe of him, I doubt he has anything close to the self-awareness and will needed to change. If you don't do this now, you will regret it later on.


New Member

I've been thinking about the sequence that lead to him trying to strangle me. It all happened so fast that what seemed obvious to me then could have been a mistake? I'm not so sure anymore if what i believed was what actually happened. Sometimes our mind block certain hurtful things and its a bit of a daze to me now.

I remembered he came towards me threateningly and made a grabbing motion towards my neck with his hands. I hit and blocked his hands then. He got madder and managed to grab my neck with both hands and applied pressure so that I was pushed down. I shouted for help then. Thats what I recall.

What he told his sister: I hit him, and he grabbed me to hold me still. It sounds more reasonable and more like him. He has never hurt me physically before although he has smashed things.. But the only thing i cant place is if he was telling the truth, why would he grab a person by the neck??

Anyway, we are not on talking terms now even though we are living in the same house. I come home from work and go straight to the bedroom. He sits in front of the computer with a frown on his face. Its supposed to be the period we both reconsider what we want and try to talk things through, but we are not doing so. From his actions, he seems angry with me still. Whereas my anger cooled off fast, and i'm willing to talk now but i cant bring myself to approach him first. Is there a way I can reason with him? If I try to talk things out with him, will he take it as I'm OK with the strangling incident and will easily do so in future?? Thats my main concern. I want to let him know that I'm willing to work things out but i dont want it to be a precedence for things to come.

His sister mentioned that he said he regretted knowing me with a click of a mouse, and wasted so much of his time on me and would his family prefer to see him suffer after spending all that money on our wedding? But in contra to what he said to his sister, yesterday he went for job interview and listed me as emergency contact on the application form.


Active Member
u're hving problem since day 1...

how much more time can u afford to fool urself into believing that u guys r made for each other?

pls get out of it asap... for ur good, and his too.


Well-Known Member
the alarming bell has to be raised when you are holding on points like him listing u as emergency contact as reasons to believe in the relationship. Wake up! you are holding to straws desperately.

I would suggest that you take time off your relationship. Don't think more abt it. Find time doing things you like, pamper yourself to wind down. Your mind needs time to really cool down and think rationally. Don't go in circles clinging on such details to justify anything. It doesn't. You need much more concrete reasons to believe in it.


Active Member
Best to separate now and plan for a future divorce.

The court will not accept your divorce application since the marriage is only nine months old. But no one can stop you from separating.

Violence and exchanging insults are not to be expected during domestic disagreement or between people in relationship.


New Member
I could feel the pressure of his hands squeezing down on my neck and i could feel his body shaking in constraint as he tried to regain control of himself.

He really "ren" you for a long time, and finally it peaks his top and the volcano finally erupts. He might throw you out of the window the next time n i m serious abt it.

Erm..what do you like about your hb? It seem that you are complaining and putting him down in every aspect and in your eyes, it seems that whatever he do are all wrong. What are the right things that he had ever done?

Having a gay friend to visit a shop = wrong, jobless = useless, stingy.
Stay home surf net/not doing housework = wrong
Sms and you felt insecure.

There is definitely something wrong in both of your communication and that is why he also dread to talk to you.

To you, you are like sacrificing to be with him while to him, it's like doing anything also wrong, doing nothing also wrong.
It's very tiring to be in this kind of r/s. I think he rather to be alone then..

A man hates his wife to nag the most. Have you ever appreciate him before? Motivate and encourage him to help out in the house, do something different instead of keep nagging him?
Give him some breathing space, don't micro manage him in every aspect of his life.

Btw, other than your hb, do you have your own social circle? Go lead your own life, have fun with your friends/colleagues.

Your life is revolving around him and he might feel suffocating as well.

Before deciding on anything, u might like to ponder on the purpose of your marriage.


Active Member
SK39, I can only say, always leave a man (yes, as far as possible) who's violent. I'm just curious...do everyone else (I mean his friends, relatives etc) think of him otherwise? As in...they think he's a nice man etc and can't believe he had used violence on you?