Losing faith...

regretful_leo

New Member
He dropped me another bomb today..came home early from work..he welcomed me back acting like nothing ever happened..By coincidence, I found a pack of cigarettes in the washing machine..I got the biggest shock of my life. Why? Why must he lie to me? He has been lying for years..He is so scary..Why can he lie to me for years without battling an eyelid? Why doesnt he feel sorry or guilty for lying to me?? Years ago, he promised to quit smoking..I thought he did..But little did I know that, I was too stupid..too naive to trust that he will keep to his promise..He has been smoking behind my back all these while..What disappointed me so much is his betrayal..i felt so cheated..If he is unable to quit, he can just tell me so..But why? Why must he lie??I am starting to lose faith in this marriage...how many more things is he hiding from me?? so far, i only discovered this..but how many more?? He said he love me..but i dun think its true..If you really love someone, you couldnt bear to hurt him or her. But yet, time after time he hurt me deeply..Why must he destroy the perfect hubby image that I have of him? We have only been married for months..yet all these while I have never been happy..Now the trust between us is destroyed..In future, I will only have doubts and suspicions about him and his actions..Men are just men..to think i always think that he is different..he cares about his family and friends..but now then i know..me=wife, is just another "family member" staying within the house, helping out with housework, cooking and care for him..nothing more..and dont expect any romantic stuff..cos that will never happened. Before marriage, I am his gf, but after marriage, I am just another family member with no blood ties. Yes, he will care for his family members..his mum, his sis..those that are blood related to him..but for me? Perhaps to him, I am either like a roommate or a tenant or even a maid?? I want to give up...I really see no point hanging to this marriage..i feel hurt..i don't know if there are any other things that he is hiding from me...
 


regretful_leo

New Member
yes i asked him to quit years back..he agreed..he always said to me that he is much better than other boyfriends or husbands cos he is willing to quit smoking for my sake..but why must he lie if thats not the truth?
 

thommy

New Member
I don't think it will be so drastic that u are gonna leave him over one issue. Seems like there's a hidden agenda also?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"Why must he destroy the perfect hubby image that I have of him"

why must u have a perfect image of him? Frankly, this is very unhealthy. He has to live up to your expectations for a lifetime. This is very draining. One has to be able to know, understand and accept our partners. We can influence or encourage them to improve. But, we cannot change or expect to mould them to what we want.
 

powder

Active Member
i think as long as he's not smoking in your presence it's fine...

i would like to marry a girl who doesn't do mani/pedi/spa treatments etc becos it's unhealthy to my pocket and i like girls in their most natural look, but i also understand it's hard not to crave for it.

if u didn't want a smoker husband, dun marry a smoker... why need to choose a smoker and make him quit. same with avoiding gambling husbands, womanising husbands... same principle and logic... just dun even be with one.

i dun understand why so many pple expect change Upon marriage. if it's conditional to marriage then ok, leave him then - he broke his end of the bargain.

pls find a non-smoking 2nd husband.

as to why he can lie "for years without battling an eyelid" is becos it's not really a lie, but rather a non-disclosure... sorta like how we dun let our parents know we're smoking, playing truant or even losing our virginity...
 

littlekiddy

New Member
Hi,
Hav U ever heard tis 'Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards'.
I think ur patience will achieve more than ur force.
Remember, one word frees us of all the weight & pain of life. Tat word is LOVE.
happy.gif
 

leng78

New Member
Why not give your husband positive encouragement to quit smoking? Rather than have these negative thoughts of losing faith in your marriage because he lied about smoking. Marriage is also about understanding and helping out one another. Unless you have other issues...?
 

axn19

New Member
I rather have a husband who can't quit smoking than a husband who cheats on you.

Smoking is a bad habit but not so drastic for you to leave him, unless like others said, there may be more serious issue than smoking.
 

saggitarian

New Member
what is perfect? .. if one is perfect . he shld be in heaven and term god not human.

u r selfish, u only think about your own self ..

you only want want want .. you term your condition but did you do anything to help him ?

if u ever know how hard it is to stop smoking, den please kindly understand how much love and respect he has for you to control his smoking when he is with you. because of you dats y he choose not to smoke in ur presence.

and please kndly stop been a sexist .. what is call men are just men and you tot he is someone who is not men . den what gay ? clearly u dun understand the opposite sex thats y u will make such a statement and just go marry off with a men .. if men are that sucky . please go be a lesbian
 

soontobe

Member
hahahaha.....quite funny to have this thread started jus coz of a smoking issue...

My hubby ever claimed that he will quit smoking for me a few times before we got married (err...I didn't ask him to quit, he volunteered to quit for me).

Now after marriage, once a while I will still tease him about this...and he can tell me: "sign contract already, no need to quit liao". And I will say that he cheated me into this marriage and we will laugh it off....

Aiyo...don't be an upset over such small issue. There are a lot more issues to fuss about than this one.

Furthermore, it's not so easy to quit smoking over night..You should try and encourage him and work with him to slowly cut down then ultimately quit smoking...

My hubby tried twice, and I can see that he tried really hard. Well, i'm still pinning hope that he will finally quit esp when we are hoping to form a family real soon....
 

risuel

New Member
no 1 is born perfect. in the 1st place, you shld resolved the smoking issue b4 marriage. this is to avoid bringing the prob aft ur marriage.

u said hes been lying for years? hmm...did u talk to him calmly over issues which you aint happy with?

sometimes guys wld rather swallow everything then to share it out, knowing you'd hit the ceiling for sure. in any case, both parties shld be a listening ear to each other

meanwhile, have a gd talk with him, raised any issues which needs adjustment.

my 2cents comments

good luck =)
 

katespader

New Member
Frankly speaking...I see no wrong in smoking...why do u have to keep a big fuss out of it...No one is perfect....

Smoking is better then cheating on you. Dun you think so?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"Smoking is better then cheating on you. Dun you think so?"

Cannot like this compare.....then would cheating be better than taking drugs or wife battery?

Anyway, if it's something you cannot compromise, you just can't. Perhaps you can't stand packs and packs of lies he's told instead of that pack of cigarettes he was trying to hide. But you should also know that if a man doesn't quit smoking (or anything) before marriage, he most probably wouldn't do so after the knot is tied.

Side-track a bit, I find a man who smokes quite sexy in a way lol
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"Side-track a bit, I find a man who smokes quite sexy in a way lol"

Doll, is the sexy part the inheritance / insurance payout one stand to gain when he is dying from lung cancer? LOL.

Just joking. No offence to anyone be it smokers or not.
 

powder

Active Member
yeah, i feel so sexy already... i'm gonna smoke in front of the mirror later...

oh Cancer would be a very good way to die...
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"Doll, is the sexy part the inheritance / insurance payout one stand to gain when he is dying from lung cancer? LOL."

Milo, if I married a smoker, maybe I will die from lung cancer first. Passive smoking is worse than active smoking mah lol

Anyway, sexy as in not those who smoke standing beside a bin lah lol. You know, holding a stick between your fingers say on the sands at a beach under the starry sky late at night, with the other hand holding a can of beer, without a worry about anything...not sexy meh?

I find that a man's fragrance mixed with light cigarette scent is just so sexy haha
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"yeah, i feel so sexy already... i'm gonna smoke in front of the mirror later..."

Wah lauzzz, that's narcissism lor.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
dunno about the rest. Apart from the smell etc, the smoke irritates my eyes alot making them very red and watery. The discomfort is too great to have any sexy appeal for me.

Doll... which is probably a wise thing to set a rule of "no smoking in my presence" ;)
 

powder

Active Member
it's one of the LL things in life... so much to say, yet so little can be said...

do pple ever wonder IF smoking actually contributes to that particular quality u're aiming for in a man? not smoking as the quality... but smoking as a sub-quality that makes up for a person having a greater quality... pls note habit and quality are 2 different things hor...

the same way some pple see smokers as bad pple... if there was ever a study done, u might perhaps find that most smokers are pple who are more creative, more daring, more rebellious and challenging to norms... which sorta adds to their entreprenial qualities which again results in them being market leaders and successes in their own right...

ie, behind most successful man - is a smoking habit.

this just something for one to ponder...
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
'Doll... which is probably a wise thing to set a rule of "no smoking in my presence"'

Milo, you can walk away mah? Run away also can LOL
 

greyarea

New Member
doll,
mmm, what if the man you were imagining (holding a stick between your fingers say on the sands at a beach under the starry sky late at night, with the other hand holding a can of beer, without a worry about anything) is fat, bald, with big belly and sweaty with bad breath??? oh dun forget a set of black teeth! sexy meh?? hahaha....
 

powder

Active Member
wah janie, really ah? it's actually just for pondering... for pple to just think abit abt the pple they meet who Are smokers... of cos i have my own thoughts on it...

personally, i enjoy smoking... it's like something i do when i ponder and try to put things into perspective...

whilst some pple fear Health problems and avoid smokers/smoking/unhealthy food...

i prefer to fear Death and avoid Not living a fuller life, less repressed life.
 

janie_wawa

New Member
i can understand the kind of discomfort a non smoker can experience....BUT i juz hate it when they already saw me smoking...yet still insist to walk my way...n give mi a look like i cant smoke...or simply pinch their nose...or use their hands to 'fan' the smoke away...eh hello..i was already standing there b4 tat person came along lor...if u realli hate it so much...juz dun walk in the same path lah...duh...yes yes i noe i can siam...but they oso can siam...n most of the time..i will walk away when there r kids passing by..n i always try to blow the smoke up in the air or away from some1's face n not at face level..

& there was once....i realli feel like either telling the mother off...or laffing out loud at her on the spot...mi n hub was waitin for taxi...obviously we were in Q so we werent smoking..but some1 else was smoking nearby...she told her son....'boy, nez time u cannot smoke huh...smoking will make u become STUPID'....lin nao hia....realli knn lor..n my hub wanted to tell her actually most of the top successful men r smokers...to laff at her ignorance n even teaching her son the wrong thing by making such a remark...
 

janie_wawa

New Member
powder, realli...im pretty amazed by wat my hub said actually...he had a veli different thinking...in fact sometimes he can even insist tat smoking is gd for us in 1 way or another...hahaha he will come up wif his own logic n share wif me..

"i prefer to fear Death and avoid Not living a fuller life, less repressed life."

& im with u on tis....tats wat i do oso...
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"fat, bald, with big belly and sweaty with bad breath??? oh dun forget a set of black teeth!"

Hi Greyarea, you have full control of your own imagination, don't you? If yes, then it does make me wonder why you chose to conjure such a negative image for yourself hehe

And, "holding a stick between your fingers say on the sands at a beach under the starry sky late at night, with the other hand holding a can of beer, without a worry about anything" can actually happen. Sexy men don't only appear in our imagination only. I was with one before and it made me want to share the puffs with him even though I am a non-smoker.
 

mayimayi

New Member
i think smokers are usually more friendly and approachable in person. More versatile and flexible at work.

My opinion on people who are smkers n non smokers in work and play. >.<
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"er.....doll....if tat man has a little goatee...does tat make him even more sexy??"

Janie, I don't mind man.....But this man who made me want to smoke also is drop dead gorgeous with a well-toned body and hairy chest but not gay at all lol
 

greyarea

New Member
doll,
you're right, everyone can control the imagination but i tot you mean all men in that kind of scenario look sexy to you mah..hehe...so, you are imagining the opposite of what i'm imagining?
 

greyarea

New Member
haha..then ok lah, if that man is cute with goatee, tall and fit and a smile to die for, woo hoo, of course sexy lah!
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Janie, I not so hungry lor. Just savoured the moments with such a great company who made me feel relaxed.

Actually, what I wanna say is smokers are not necessarily bad people, just like your goody-two-shoe men may not turn out to be an angel at the end of the day. Anyone can be angelic when things are smooth sailing. Just wait and see a storm can transform that sweet angel into your greatest enemy! LOL

Perhaps girls should beware of good men instead? Hehe
 

powder

Active Member
well janie,

in that sense i may be quite similar to your hubby... there's alot of indoctrinations and propaganda in this world and Unless u truly explore them... instead of just taking them at face-value, then u might never know the pros n cons...

other than smoking, there are hundreds of other factors that can link to cancer... same with many other diseases i guess... there's Always contributing factors... it's just whether u wanna increase awareness on 1 particular one...

but being sporeans, we tend to just listen to what the media/gov say... Let's put it this way, u believe that the SMU Economics will see alot more applications? after the Sunday Times reported that 'cum laude &amp; abv' had the highest median gross monthly salary... u'll see alot more pple aggressively UPGRADING their qualifications instead or aggressively thinking of ways to deal with the recession.

u notice i've been heavily aggressive on the career/salary threads? well i'm not a qualified HR nor a qualified academic... but i think with more logic than most pple and my common sense is very uncommon... alot of pple use their brains to get good academics to get good jobs to get high pay. i do it more directly - i just use my brains to get high pay.

pple read papers and UPGRADE, enrol in courses that are hot Now which may be dying industries come 10yrs... but they wouldn't know, cos they wouldn't think that far, their parents encourage them... the whole society encourages them. but end of the day - 10yrs later, whether or not it works for u... it's your life, your misery, your responsibility...

i dun encourage smoking, but i certainly wouldn't condemn it. i dun encourage chasing academics purely for monetary rewards, but neither would i condemn it... i still share as much as i can with pple who are academically wayyyyy smarter than me but earning far less.

sometimes i wonder why pple have disdain for smokers... i think pple may avoid me becos i smoke... but when they realise i have abit of money and can help them make money, they will not dislike me as a smoker liao...

so who's the one with the character flaw?

ps: the non-smokers who walk into smoke with the disapproving countenance... tat's precisely very sporean... when they abide by certain rules - they will make sure u feel shitty. but when they jump queues... they act blur.
 

vios

New Member
"would tink its realli easy to start a conversation or break the ice between 2 smokers..."

- Ya, i agree. For guy-guy, i would say it's far more comfy than standing side-by-side at the urinals. Hahaha.....

like Janie, i also sibeh dulan some passerby's expressions, as though i exhale in their freaking face.
And, i also choose to walk away if there's kids nearby or pregnant women..

esp. those paper-waving aunties.... really knn.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"i also choose to walk away if there's kids nearby or pregnant women.. "

Well, see, how considerate a smoker can be! A pretty wise one too lol

Oops, I sound biased for smokers haha
 

vios

New Member
"it's like something i do when i ponder and try to put things into perspective... "

- Ya, this is true. Somehow, it improves on my thoughts-processing, or reflecting on my mistake...

and, who to say that it's right or wrong, because smokers vary in different ways.
Like the threadstarter, it is really simplistic to look upon 'smoking' as the source of problems than try to Understand her hubby's circumstances.
 

janie_wawa

New Member
powder, indeed my hub is quite similar to u in a way...in fact all along i feel theres tis similarity between u n him in tinking...&amp; i even tot of asking him to this forum to chat wif u more coz i tot u 2 might b able to share/exchange some views..or even better..to learn something from u...but i dropped tat idea...dun wan him to noe tat im so free durin office hrs...hahahaha

vios, u will b surprise...even for ladies-ladies oso helps lor...tat was how i managed to noe a classmate during poly...she came to noe tat i smokes..n the 1st thing she said to me was...u smoke? come lets go together...hehe

doll, oso got some realli buey zi dong smokers lah...hehe
 

janie_wawa

New Member
"it's like something i do when i ponder and try to put things into perspective... "

this is very true....2 things tat i do when smoking....either im not tinking abt ANYTHING n simply in a daze...or my mind is in a blank (relaxing myself), OR, tinking abt something or solution
 

greyarea

New Member
oops...i'm those auntie who will use my hand to fan away the smoke but of course doing it secretly.. if i'm walking behind a smoker, i will walk faster, hold my breath and zoom pass the person.. pls be more forgiving lah, you have the freedom to smoke, they have the freedom to fan mah..hehe..

but i think that auntie that janie mentioned a bit funny lah..say smoking make the person stupid...haha..but cannot blame her lor. i guess she's trying to bring the message across in the easiest manner.. think to explain to a young boy abt cancer and abt bad health is more difficult to understand?
 


janie_wawa

New Member
powder, nope..tats impossible...hehe well i do hope he can achieve as much as wat u have achieved. but im still proud of him coz i realli tink we did achieve wat alot of other ppl our age couldnt achieve yet...
 

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