Kids or no kids: Did you regret your decision?

xinj

Member
Wondering:
A) If you and your spouse decided not to have kids, did you end up regretting the decision? Or are you very happy that you both are child-free?
B) If you and your spouse had kids, did you somewhat regret it too? ie, did you feel that if ever you had the chance to turn back time and live your life again, would you decide to have no kids at all, or perhaps instead of having 2 kids, just have 1 instead, or perhaps instead of having 3 kids, you rather just have 2 kids instead?

Did you feel any form of regret, ie, perhaps you could have done more things with your spouse before having kids, or you wished you could have more quality time together instead of splitting all your time, attention and resources and energy on the kids too? Did you ever feel like having kids held you back in terms of freedom (and financial freedom), doing the things you want to do too? Did you feel that once the kids came along, you lost your sense of self and you have neglected caring for yourself (your emotional, physical and mental well-being too), because everything and all focus and attention goes onto the kids?

If you and your spouse are having a very average salary and you have lots of financial commitment: paying for marital home, also looking after parents, and paying for things/bills/renovations or home maintenance in your family home too (that your parents are in. Do note that it's not always viable to have your parents/in-laws stay with you. They may want their freedom and independence of living apart from you too), insurance stuff to pay for, etc etc, or perhaps even having a health condition or a parent has a health condition, etc, so did you wish you never had kids so you could have more space to breathe, financially? Did having kids stretch you thin?

Did you regret having kids because your spouse wanted kids but you didn't want to, so you had kids kind-of grudgingly..? Or vice versa, you did want kids but your spouse did not, so she/he is kind-of reluctant?

Note: this is a discussion, please keep it civil. No need to get riled up and throwing pitchforks. Just wanted to know what are people's personal experience from it. Please do not bash other people for their life choices (to have kids or to not have kids at all), they may have different life or family circumstances which limit or over-stretch them.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Wondering:
A) If you and your spouse decided not to have kids, did you end up regretting the decision? Or are you very happy that you both are child-free?
B) If you and your spouse had kids, did you somewhat regret it too? ie, did you feel that if ever you had the chance to turn back time and live your life again, would you decide to have no kids at all, or perhaps instead of having 2 kids, just have 1 instead, or perhaps instead of having 3 kids, you rather just have 2 kids instead?

Did you feel any form of regret, ie, perhaps you could have done more things with your spouse before having kids, or you wished you could have more quality time together instead of splitting all your time, attention and resources and energy on the kids too? Did you ever feel like having kids held you back in terms of freedom (and financial freedom), doing the things you want to do too? Did you feel that once the kids came along, you lost your sense of self and you have neglected caring for yourself (your emotional, physical and mental well-being too), because everything and all focus and attention goes onto the kids?

If you and your spouse are having a very average salary and you have lots of financial commitment: paying for marital home, also looking after parents, and paying for things/bills/renovations or home maintenance in your family home too (that your parents are in. Do note that it's not always viable to have your parents/in-laws stay with you. They may want their freedom and independence of living apart from you too), insurance stuff to pay for, etc etc, or perhaps even having a health condition or a parent has a health condition, etc, so did you wish you never had kids so you could have more space to breathe, financially? Did having kids stretch you thin?

Did you regret having kids because your spouse wanted kids but you didn't want to, so you had kids kind-of grudgingly..? Or vice versa, you did want kids but your spouse did not, so she/he is kind-of reluctant?

Note: this is a discussion, please keep it civil. No need to get riled up and throwing pitchforks. Just wanted to know what are people's personal experience from it. Please do not bash other people for their life choices (to have kids or to not have kids at all), they may have different life or family circumstances which limit or over-stretch them.

I grew up finding kids irritating. Yes, I do dream of a beautiful wife and 3 kids when I was graduating from university. My view was then pretty naive. Dated my wife, which hated kids too. So, we decided no kids. Married for 6 yrs ignoring the folks questions all the while. Then, my dad suddenly passed on overseas. It was a huge hit. I missed the last opportunity to meet him when he was visiting Singapore. Exchange phone calls and emails and the next thing I knew, he was dead for days in an apartment discovered by the police after neighbors complained. The entire incident shook me. I had decided on my beliefs, there is no God, we existed only now and should make every moment count.

A started reflecting, he was a strong believer, and his entire church came down for the wake, through his many testimonies and sharing of his closing buddy, I saw a man I never knew more than just a father that I had disapproved almost all my life. It was humbling and I finally saw what a father's love meant. It was so wonderful. How could I miss out on this.

I share with my wife on my desire to be a father. With time, she too have changed her view about children. So, we decide to try. Now, we have 2 boys, I don't waste a day ignoring them and not doing my best to give them the experience and love a father would give to his children. I want no regrets the day I leave, where they have all the best memories and influence they can have with me. My wife, is also enjoying parenting. It hasn't been easy, our remaining parents are ageing and having many difficulties both psychologically and physically. We have to experience the passing of her brother, who is just 4 years older than me. Her mother's health just worsen with that. We went through much pain in the journey, I must say, having the boys helped everyone cheer up. Their innocence, gave the family much joy through the grieve of losing someone so dear and personal.

Lastly, don't assume everyone that wants a child will have them easily, with age, it becomes increasingly difficult to carry a child healthily for the full term. We discovered we had a 3rd child during the crisis when my brother in law was in A&E. We very wanted this child to bring the family together through this period. It was not to be.... Just a week after his passing, we lost our child. A hurt that we bury in our lives as we focus our love on our 2 boys. We need to be thankful for what we have with us and not regret of over what's lost. Life is a long journey. If we are ready to embrace what it comes, it is very enriching.

There is no sin in not wanting kids but the parenting journey adds dimension to our lives. In all challenges, what is key is our attitude, do we embrace what is to come and learn to evolve, enjoying the experience or do we lament and do not take accountability for what is clearly our choice. Yes, maybe your spouse is more keen, but you chose to support the decision. Then, don't be half hearted about it, you have a lifetime resenting that decision, it will not help you or your family.

You will have many sleepless night, bedroom full of their stuffs, wet mattresses, and many worries when they are sick and closing themselves from you. These are just some challenges we have in life. What don't kill us makes us stronger.
 
We got married and plan to have 1st child (caesarean) after 2nd year of marriage. 2nd child on 4th year of marriage ... natural birth, I was with her. I cried after baby was born and hugged my wife dearly not baby. We had 2 lovely girls, late 20s now and very close to me.
 

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