Isnt it Normal??

[denise80]

Hi Wynn, I really hope not.
So as not to disclose your identity, I'll just check on something not so important. The friend of mine used to work in a Beer company and travels quite often. Really hoping it's not him. Because he also shotgun and so far have two kids. Relationship with wife was bad also. Wynn, pls tell me it's not!

 

[scope_guy]

Hi Wynn,

I don't know your husband. I am not a gay. I am not interested in guys. OMG~ LOL~

Ok seriously, are you addressing to Denise80 instead of me?

Denise80,

This is a small world, but that doesn't mean you know everybody. OK.

You may know, but you may only know the unknown.

 

[denise80]

Scope,

the funniest thing was, I also happen to know the other person in this forum. Sometimes one must not use their own names here. It's very easy to guess their identities esp when they talk about their background, jobs etc. But I do agree that I may know the person but not know the unknown. I guess we're all here to offer our opinions only. It's still up to the TS to take it or otherwise. After all, someone so close to them seem to be the unknown to them too. The world is not only small but obscure haaa

 

[hazehaze]

denise: abt e same, he use to traval quite often. But not now anymore. He does not work in beer company. He is jus a marketing guy.
But reli thanks a lot for the so much advise, i think i know wat to do. Sometimes i read to understand the problems, does that help??
Now then i realise the problems is on me, that i dun understand myself, n nvr talk using my brain, that is the reason y my hus rather talk on msn than me, i should upgrade myself n understand wat i wan.

 

[scope_guy]

Denise80,

Before I go... Please say you don't know me.

Maybe I'd get a nightmare... LOL~

Chat later.

 

[denise80]

LOL Scope, I really don't know you. lol....

And Wynn, yes, my friend's a marketing guy too...and O levels holder..if it's the same person we're talking about. Anyway this friend of mine is my ex-classmate. I know him but not that well. My hubby's the one who knows him inside out. All friends of his know he's a flirt. I kenna a few hits from him in the past too when I was single. Some men really have this 'flirtatious' virus somehow and will leap at any tiny weeny chance.

Anyway Wynn, it takes two hands to clap. Y take it upon yourself that it's your fault? It's both. Just approach the problem in a different way. Don't confront but try improving the communication and relationship. First of all, love yourself first then you can love another.

 

[scope_guy]

Denise80,

I'd have a good dream tonight then. Ciao. ^.^

 

[miloice]

Wynn, don't look for faults. Its not about proving who is more wrong or right. It has been 6 yrs, it can wait. The very 1st step is about finding back yourself. If you want respect, you need to earn it. You cannot be confronting your husband but at the same time completely clueless. That's just ranting and complaining. You don't even know what you need or want. Only when you are sure of yourself, would you be confident to for once make a call for yourself on important issues that matters to you.

 

[hazehaze]

ya, i got it. I wil try to understand myself more. N build up my confident. Before makin any decision n talk to my hus. Thanks all. At least now i know wat i want in life. In the 6yrs im in the lost of thinking tis n tt. Now at least i know i live for myself n have to build my confident.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Okay, every1 hold the comments for a few moments. Tis may sound harsh but i really hope Wynn can think about a few pts. (really think pls)

Wynn, u sound like a mallable child. As a mother of 2, tats terrible. Being soft-hearted is not an excuse. As others rightly point out, u are weak-willed, not soft-hearted.

Tats y i entirely dun believe tat u will leave ur husband or quarrel w him much, even if he is slping w many gals outside or maybe he has another family outside. If not yet, then soon. From the beginning, it already sounds like both of u had v different ideas entering into the marriage. Ur husband didnt want to get married so early. U didnt want to abort the child. Fantastic, so 2 grown-ups stuck in a situation. In a way, ur husband resents u for 'forcing' him into marriage despite his comfort level.

If u didnt want to abort the child, u could have brought up the child as a single mother. It is a choice. Maybe u convinced ur husband to give the child a family or given ur weak character, maybe it was ur husband who felt tat no choice, he has to be responsible. So he is stuck w u, though he isnt hapi. When he is a gd mood, he can smile while walking, wat more be nice to u. So simple. When i gd mood, i even smile at flowers. If he bad mood n u are nothing to him in the 1st place, of course he treat u like dirt or as though u are transparent. Probably u are like a pet or maid to him. Anyway, kick u, u also wont complain or die. U will just wince abit, yelp abit, he say sorry or buy flowers then ok alr.

U said the same problem happened b4 n he stopped for awhile. Ur husband doesnt even respect u cos u dun respect urself. U dun even know wat u want.

U keep talking about ur chldn. Ur husband doesnt help w the housework, doesnt help to care for the chldn, only go out w frens n gals to make himself happy. U can tolerate, its ok. Ur life mah, y should we bother? Ur frens who tell u not to get a divorce, do they really care for u or they just worry tat it will be hard for u as a single mother?

Ur chldn are growing up. Trust me - if ur r/ship w ur husband continues as such, u have the following potential scenerios:
1) ur chldn have no respect for u as well cos u are so weak.
2) ur chldn stand up for u n hate/dislike their father cos they think he's disgusting. over time, they resent u also cos u nva speak up for urself.
3) ur chldn will like both parents n think tat tis is a normal marriage n they will practice it in their own marriages next time. (so if u have a daughter, she's gona think tat its ok to be a doormat).

Is tis wat u want? I think u need to break out of ur shell. If u really want some solid advice n action plan to start u off, i suggest u go on a short hol alone next mth, at least 3d2n to a quiet place like tioman. Free & easy trip. Step out of ur comfort zone. Leave ur chldn to ur husband or mother or MIL. Dun have to say where u are going. Just say u need some time alone to think n its v impt to u. Go explore the island by urself. Eat every meal alone or w the tourists there. Go snorkelling or do some sports u have nva tried b4. Bring some self-improvement books along n a notebook n pen to write ur tots.

Go for it. If u manage tat step, u have a chance of going a long way. Dun waver, dun hesitate. Even if u are scared or u cry or u wana give up, bite ur tongue n go for it. Book the hol n dun tell anyone where u are going.

 

[kittenpie]

evon, the holiday you proposed is a good idea

 

[hazehaze]

evon, thanks for the advice,i was thinking for the whole nite. for all the advice giving on top.what you all strike me. it just like me, just that i do not dare to face up. yeah, i intend to give myself a break. after reading ur advise, i almost cry. tears dropping soon. but manage to maintain lo.cause im in the office now.

im really happy that im actually can find this web to know wat type and wat im going to do.

 

[miloice]

Evon, not sure if its a good idea with her current mindset and situation. She needs to get back on her feet. If things get messy, can she handle? I doubt so. Until a time she can handle it, why rock the boat further? Nothing is going to change abt her shitty marriage for the time being. Her focus should be on winning back herself not fight her husband.

I'm pretty sure he will just see her as unreasonable and throwing stupid tamtrums than anything. It is not difficult to get a maid. And what's next for her then? We see this kind of housewife protest on television. And then, the husband will wake up. Does it really work like this??

Wynn, increase your bargaining power before you think of something drastic to negotiate with your husband. The holiday or protest will come. Only when you are well prepared.

 

[hazehaze]

all along, i think i just dare to face up myself, for being wat to be? all i think is about my kids and my hus. when i wanna to go out i even have to think of my kids a lot a lot. and always keep quiet to maintain just dun dare to talk it out. but now i feel that u have give me the encouragement and the facts that i should be believe in facts. and should have wake up from my dream.

 

[scope_guy]

Hi Wynn,

You called that a dream? LOL~

You have not waken up. I still don't avocate your leave your husband, for now.

But... you can try, and you'd probably see why in 3 years' time. LOL~

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Milo, i understand ur concern. For Wynn to go on a holiday alone is something she really needs at tis moment when she feels confused n lost. She needs to gain her own footing, find her self-worth as a person, love n admire herself as a woman. She needs time away from everyone n everything in her life, dun bring her hp along on the trip. Just spend time alone, regardless of how scary or challenging it may be.

It sounds as though she has been a wife n mother for the past few yrs w/out being a woman. Its time for her to build her self-love n think about wat she wants in her life. Her husband or mother or MIL can help w the chldn for a few days. If they refuse, then get a divorce n change the chldn's surname to her surname since she gave birth to them n took care of them all tis yrs.

I think wynn is not in the healthy stable frame of mind now to think about divorce or working the marriage out. She needs to love herself n stand up for herself, face life w pride 1st b4 she thinks about it. If her husband scolds her for throwing a tantrum, it allows her to c the horrible lack of love n respect her husband has for her, not to even mention total lack of care n concern as to y she suddenly needs time off for herself.

Give it a real shot, Wynn. Step out of ur routine life. I dun care about ur marriage. I just hope tat somehow from a trip alone, u can understand urself better n be a happier n more clear-minded person.

 

[simpleman]

Not everyone is able to enjoy a holiday alone or is comfortable with one. She may end up being stress while on holiday.

But if she is ok for holiday alone, then it is a great idea.

I love to holiday alone because it is highly therapeutic.

 

[hweebs]

i think the idea of holiday can be made 'smaller' lah...in essence a holiday is a break from the normal, mundane, stressors, duties, responsibilities and logic from the world. If wynn's children are just 6yo and 1yo, i dunno how possible it is for her to let go of them and go far away or something. Perhaps one day a week, or a few days to spend on herself, alone if she wishes? spa? walking in the park? have tea with friends?

Wynn ah, u still haven't answer my questions yet u prefer to pm me your answers, or just answer them in the forum?

 

[miloice]

Agree with hweebs suggestion. The holiday idea is quite a drastic step. She just need to find time really relax and pamper herself. This can be done with really going for a trip.

 

[hazehaze]

jus went to k pub, with no drinks. Friends offer to send me hme. but i insist on walkin hme myself to be alone. Thoughts after thoughts. I cry while walkin hme. N ask myself wat i want. no matter how hard i think, i cant think of myself. all my minds is to think of leave him? For e whole day, i have not receive any cal from him, yes he did msg me. He msg me m i cookin tonite? I say reply no. N he oso nvr reply. When i went k pub with friends all he ask me is wat time go back(to look after my gal). Then phone hang up. is tis e way tt a couple should be??

 

[denise80]

Wynn,

I think you have to really perform a reality check. You know he's not treating you right but somehow you don't have the courage to face it.
A good hubby will first of all go K pub with you. A good hubby will appreciate your cooking. A good hubby will hope to come home to look after the kids too. I'm saying these because my hubby goes KTV with me even if it's just the two of us. My hubby will even cook for me. We have no kids now so I can't tell if he would do the last one in future. I'm not trying to rub salt on your wound but I hope you really see things clearer. For now, don't live for him. Live for yourself and your kids. Learn to love yourself. If he asks you if u're cooking, just say no and that's it. If he asks u when u coming back fr outside, u don't have to answer readily too. Btw, I haven't read about whether you're working (maybe I missed that out earlier or what)? Are you working now? Or, are you a full-time housewife? I feel that if you work, you'll not think so much and you'll lead a more fulfilling life in addition to caring for your kids.

 

[simpleman]

wynn,

You are so affected by him..

And what do you expect him to be?

 

[hazehaze]

Denise: im a full time working, and also housewife. yes i try not to think about him. but sometimes i did not understand you can i live with such a person. which does not care for me at all. after the walk i reach home. he is in the bed already. no cal, no msg from him to check whether who im with. and i did drinks a not.
i have make up my mind to email him of separation. im tired of being wat im now.

hweebs:
1) How old were you when u got married?
i married when i was in 22.

2) What will you have become right now if you hadn't got married then? In terms of career, in terms of family (in the ideal situation)

i will work hard for my career path to be a good designers. by the way, im not into the line, cause my hus always say me, i cannot make it. all the negative came in. jus cause i study private school and i have no experience in it.

3) What were your passions when u were studying?
What did you enjoy doing?

i wanna to design my own house.
but i enjoy doing is baking. whenever i wanna to relieve stress from work, i will bake cakes/cookies. but my hus have nvr nvr try before. jus cause he is not interested in eating sweets stuffs. all my cakes n cookies, i will always give my friends/relatives to eat.

4) Have your interests and passions changed since then? Do you still like the same things as you did when u were studying?
everythings is change even since i have 2 kids. all along my hus dont agree me to go study design, he always say it waste of time and have no future. end up i dont care him and i register the course. before that, he encourage me to go for accounts course, as he say for more future. yes i did went for accounts course and im a accounts assistant. i not yet complete the course. but i intend to further my studies if my financial allow me. jus cause i wanna to complete my course.

5) Stretch your thinking: can you adapt the things you enjoy doing to possible activities to do with 2 young kids?
wat im doing now, is all my 2kids. my work have no OT. i always on time go back to fetch my kids. and accompany my kids. im the one who do everythings for the kids. my hus have nvr change a diapers before for the kids.

6) How financially stable are you?
i have no $$. in facts both child care fees are handle by me. im the one who taken care the house and support the house. for the house luckily there is CPF. if not i will be broke. im the one who buy insurance for the 2 kids. milke powder somethings are from me also. my hus say no $$ that it. all will be settle by me. in facts every mid month i have no cash. sometimes i even stay in office. jus cause i wanna to save $$ till the end of the month. i sign up music class for my gal. i even have to pay for it. anyway things i do, i have to pay.

7) What does it take for you to be financially independent, or to have some spare cash around?
on top, i have nothings no spare cash. unless the company is good to give me bonus. but my bonus are all use for hongbao money. my hus jus give me few hundreds. the rest i have to give myself. my family itself i have to give a thousand. while his family, i have nvr bother. cause he nvr give me cash at all wat for i care.

8) What is the worst thing that can happen if you are never ever able to get love from your husband?
i will leave him. and i hope he can give me the house. i dun intend to ask from any money. but i want the house and my 2 kids.

 

[kittenpie]

Wynn,

afer reading more, i sense that you are basically a kind and caring person. you take good care of your family. you deserve someone to give you a pat on your back for having singlehandedly sustained the household.

your husband does not seem to have contributed much in terms of material things for you. he has not shown concern towards you or your children. i dont think you have much to lose if you leave him.

you have exposure to doing accounts? why dont you set up an Excel spreadsheet to tabulate how much you have contributed to the household. through evidence, see if he has been the one living off you, and quantify it. then consider, with the concrete facts you have gathered, whether it is still worthwhile to stay with such a person.

a man who needs his wife to feed his children, and who even needs his wife to feed him, and who is not APOLOGETIC about it, has no sense of shame. he is not fit to be called a man. he is not even fit to be called a human being.

maybe you would disagree with me. because there were moments with you when he was sweet, he was tender, he was nice. but objectively, these moments do not redeem him. even a murderer has moments of being humane, even a murderer can show courtesy, but does it make him less of a murderer (an analogy, i have never met a murderer in real life).

you are still so very young. you are not even 30 yo yet? why do you waste your life like this? you dont sound like a 20 something in your postings. you sound like an ageing housewife. just look at how he has sucked the joy out of your life!

you are a kind person, with friends. you are sensitive and show desire to upgrade yourself. you have so much potential in you. what is holding you back is your soft-heartedness (or weak will). now all you need is determination to create a better life for yourself.

 

[hweebs]

aiyo wynn, tat's terrible! how come your husband can say that u pay all of the children's expenditure, and all of the household expenses and etc???!!! Did he get away by saying that u were the one who 'trapped' him in marriage and kids, that's why u deserved to pay (for your own consequences)? You have any family to support you? Does your husband have his parents or siblings? How are their relationship with you and your husband?

Actually from your answers, I can imagine that u are living a single mum's life in a marriage. If like that, then what's the difference between being married and not? Go to a FSC to talk to someone...i'm thinking perhaps u can get some financial aid or something to help u support your kids, but i cannot promise there really is such a thing, but go and find out.

 

[hazehaze]

may: ageing housewife? seem like i nagging here.

my hus know my money been paying this and tt. if im going to tel him wat i pay for, he will complain to me that he have to pay tis n tt also. so no points arguing. my mum told me say by right all expenses should be pay by him. and even the child care fees. if he cant cope then i pay. but my hus have treat it as it my duty. cause he have to pay for his car. now haven the 2nd kid. i do not know y am i still on the burden. just cause im the one who handle the government issue?
for all i only pay for the kids expenses. for him, he only pay housebill and his car, which he dun even let me drive. cause he scare of car will me break down. (jus cause he dun wan to train me).
Hweebs: ur charges is really quite ex. if not i will have talk to you. later on i will go to search the website to see any nice FSC to talk with. but then i confrim will cry whenever i talk. even i have cry a lot of times for my hus. i do not know how come my tears for him nvr stop. i use to tel myself, dun cry for him, and say it should be the last time. but then my tears always roll down.
for my financial, i can still manage. jus save for my side for not eating, treat it as diet.
whenever i wanna to open a share account, take money from him. all his reply to me will be no $$$. even since then not to upset myself. i keep quiet. and settle things by my own.
but on and off i stil ask him for $$. cause i cant see to it, how come e kids is both of us, y do i have to pay for all?
and he is so scare of me seeing his accounts, he is so scare of me touching his P&C? man need some man hide. but then how come i cant see his things. sometimes he even bring letters and etc to his office to open.
but i can for sure he have not yet have an affair with other gals. but maybe in heart there is an affair but not to body. im not sure. cause when im sad, i dun like to talk to him. i will always ask my gal to be the centre to pass message to him.

 

[hweebs]

wynn,

i was trying to pm you but that email cannot send out in my office...abit the 'sort'. I had emailed you to say that i suddenly recalled having a free consultation voucher for shan you fsc..u want? Then at least first session also free...can save money

u pm me if u want to pick it up at my office, or for me to mail it to you to some convenient address la.

crying is good...u need as much crying u need, in order for it to subside and for your anger to surface. with your anger coming up, then u'll have more strength and motivation to change your current scenario.

your husband's family? does he have any? can u get help from them?

 

[vios]

Morning Wynn

thanks for more info on the vital on-goings in the marriage, based on your recent posts.

based on your replies to the kind forumers in this thread, it is really good to read that you do have ambitions and dreams - not just abt the husband, kids and house.

maybe you should honestly ask yourself - the intention of emailing him - is it to "test water" or make it real?

 

[kittenpie]

you have exposure to doing accounts? why dont you set up an Excel spreadsheet to tabulate how much you have contributed to the household. through evidence, see if he has been the one living off you, and quantify it. then consider, with the concrete facts you have gathered, whether it is still worthwhile to stay with such a person.

=================================================

why dont you try the Excel spreadsheet method. personally, it was very effective for me. i know that you are aware of how much you are paying and how much he is paying and whose money goes where. but i highly suggest that you start the Excel spreadsheet for these reasons:

(1) Manage your personal finances better. Are you able to say exactly how much you are able or not able to save per mth? Are you able to tell how much you can spend on yourself vs your family in each mth?

(2) Conclude whether your husband is living off you. Of course, you are not giving him an allowance. But are you subsidising the overheads of his living expenses by stretching yourself to pay for the children or household bill.

(3) Project into the future with a thorough understanding of your current economic circumstance. Are you able to tell how much more you have to earn in order for you and your children to survive independently without him.

With QUANTIFYING comes POWER. when you have a good grasp of the numbers, you stop being so vaguely afraid or overwhelming tired when it comes to handling your relationship with you husband.

also, i dont mean to say you are naggy. i mean to say you sound sad and tired. you are not naggy. a forum is meant for people to voice their problems you are not being naggy.

 

[hazehaze]

my hus family? yes he have a sis. but then simple im not good term with the family. when im pregnant, MIL ask me go abortion cause my hus dun wan to married. and say im too young to have the kids? when my hus almost have an affair outside. e MIL can say youngster things i dun know.
when i talk things with e sis. e sis can tel me say u know my bro temper. he is like tt, u know him since then. but then to be frank, when we are dating, he is damn gd to me. he even tel me that im the one he wanna to settledown with. but after 3yrs of dating, he found his ex gf again to be with again. emailing her say he love her. after that he change all his password and etc. scare that i will know his stuffs.
at that moments, maybe im really young, and he is the 1st guy im with and he is real gd.

maybe at that moments im super tian zhen. eventually all my surrounding friends are better than him.
after not long, when i decide to break up with him, i realise im pregnant. for a caring person like me, of course i wun go for abortion.
whenever we have some problems, FIL dun care, SIL dun bother as say he is like tt, MIL even tel me being a gal i have to give in to him. wat the hell. y cant he give in to me.
when im pregnant, MIL boils bird nest for my kid inside the stomach. after my birth, i got nothing. really is nothing from her.
i have nvr bother to go up MIL place, even when we are jus walking distance.
i was wonder lo. wat if one day SIL hus having affair outside, wil MIL say: ah ya it young problems i dun know.

 

[whereto]

when I told my mil abt my hubby affairs, she said she dont believe her son will do that, then after showing evidence, she said she long ago told me to keep an eye on him!! wtf, anyway most moms will defend their son.

 

[kittenpie]

we should never expect empathy or sympathy from in-laws, even when we deserve it.

if we get it from them, it is a bonus. if we do not get it, it is only natural. simply by virtue that we are not biological children.

for an MIL to treat DIL like daughter is impossible for many (most?) people.

if you meet a good MIL, then you should treat her at least as good as she treats you.

if you meet a bad MIL, it is no loss to you. just do not let her occupy any space in your heart and thoughts. treat her with minimum respect and minimum kindness. just dont treat her like family or don't regard her as family in your heart.

high hopes on in laws reflect a person's naivete about life.

 

[hazehaze]

yes i agree to the top. treat as per normal. i even come across my MIL accussing me for not letting the son go out with her. when my bday, MIL give me a watch which is not working. n the price tag is there at $100. how would she be possible to buy a watch at $100 which the watch not seem to work? i can confrim it must be from some where which pp dun wan. and pretend not take to tag down. so that i know it EX. and this yr i have no gift from her.

and even mother day or her bday. i also dun bother to suggest for a dinner anymore. i use to remind my hus, for whose bday. and etc. but not anymore, they dont deserve it.

 

[kittenpie]

this is ridiculous treatment. they show that they have no self-respect through their behavior.

if i were you, i would cut off all and any niceties that people usually extend to in-laws, eg angbaos and gifts on festivals like Mid-Autumn festival. they dont deserve anything. i wont want to waste a single cent on such terrible people.

 

[hweebs]

wynn, so basically your in laws are condoning his behaviour, or even supportive lah? Another possibility is that your SIL feels your husband is hopeless and gave up on him long ago liao. Sounds like your SIL is a possible ally, not in terms of how u can change your husband, but how u can improve your quality of life, or even financial situation...not that she will give u $ or scold husband for u etc, but i think she may empathize a bit, and maybe suggest things to cut your cost (e.g. lend your children toys or books?).

Your MIL...how does she treat your kids? She like them, or think of them as burden? Usually MIL do not get along with DILs, because they need to fight who is right or wrong with regards to the husband. E.g. affair, etc. Her only and main concerns are that to keep relationship with her child, and her grandchildren. So, although it is probably very unpalatable, if your in laws still care for your kids, they can be brought in to the picture to care for them, and so decrease your financial and emotional burdern. In your interactions with in laws, don't get personal, do not try to get sympathy or concern with regards to your husband, just concentrate on improving the connection of your kids to their gramps. Like that, your conflicts with them will decrease, relationships may even improve, and they can give the help u need for your kids that your husband is not giving.

hope it helps!

 

[miloice]

Wynn,

humans are emotional, more so for women. Nothing wrong to cry. You will feel better after crying.

From what you have described, the relationship was already broken even before the marriage. Both of you wanted out but married eventually for the child. You guys can continue to be parents of the child without your marriage.

Some questions, you need to ask yourself :-
- are you happy with him?
- do you need him?
- can you support yourself and your children?

To me, the answers are obvious from your recent posts. Which brings to the next question.

- what are you holding the marriage for? For face? avoid gosships or what?
It is so contradictory that you are still pinning hopes of concern from him when u are out drinking. You haven't completely waken up... still slipping back in this hopeless hoping.

Work out a plan systematically for your future. There is no need to rush the paper work or official stuffs. It has been 6 yrs, it can wait. Be good to yourself for once.

 

[simpleman]

Wynn,

As much as I sympathise with your current situation, I still think you need a slap to wake up.

However bad your hb is and what ILs are saying, it is immaterial. You chose the hb yourself... in fact you made mistake after mistake. Get pregnant and then get married because of the baby. Those were 2 fatal errors and this is where you are today. After 6 years, has it get better? Or you think it can get better after you get married.

The ILs probably don't care much about you and probably have a low opinion of you. You can't blame them. You can blame your hb or yourself.

So now, you should wake up. Plan to start a new life and find your own happiness. Don't have to talk about the past or your ILs or your husband, they are immaterial.. You control your life and you should just plan for your future.

 

[hazehaze]

i wun give a chance to my in laws. if there is a chance i will not let my in laws to touch the kids. SIL is even worst, she is marriage but not yet have a kid yet. she can tel me tt his bro is like tt. but have nvr spoken to him. when we meet, she can talk to my bro instead of me. not that im ugly face none black face. for the outing, i did not start off with the coversation. but then if they start off i will sure talk. if not i will keep quiet.
yeah, i can live without him, to be frank, u ask me y i holding to this marriage, i really have no ideas at all. i really dun know y m i holding on to it. for me now is, im sake for the consellsor as u all mention to know more abt myself, and build up my confident. and i will go out more to meet up my friends. but on top of this,i will give all my times to my kids. cause i give birth to them, i cant give them complete family, i have to give them a full mother care love.

for the holidays, i dun think i will alone. cause $$ and also i cant bear to leave my kids to my mother. my mother is worried for me, and have try her best to after them for me. i cant bear to go holidays myself jus cause in my heart i cant think, and most lightly i will be thinking abt my kids of wat they are doing.
but then i will have my slient thoughts more to be alone. so that i can think well.
everytime after the cry, i did feel better.

 

[miloice]

Even if you divorce. it there a need to hate the whole family? What his sis said is actually correct. Her bro is like this. Do you think she is somehow obligated to scold and punish him for you?? She probably understands and accepted what a brother she has.

Why did you marry him? Don't make it her fault for your choice. A parent that wants to pull the kids away from the parent and his family has to reflect. Is that for the good of the child? Often, its merely their personal grudges that they pull the child in. There is some issues with your thought process. Its too personal, bringing in your emotions and judgement into it. Take a step backwards to look at the bigger picture.

Its your husband your choice. You answer to the outcome. Don't need to hate or blame anyone at all. What if your brother is like this? You scold until sian already still like this and your SIL sticking to him foolishly. What would you say to her??

 

[hazehaze]

Miloice: i have nvr know until i married to him, when im his gf, he is really v v nice to me. wat i want i get from him. but how would i know it changes after 3 yrs of dating when he is sick of it. i will not hate the family, i jus will not want to have any issue with the family any more. but then i will be must more happier not to see the family any more.

does guy change after married? when dating time how can a guy be so gd to the gf, wat i wanna to eat, he drove me to eat and even buy for me and surprise me. after married, wat i want to eat, he will say im tired next time. not free to buy. eat others.
it so much different. or rather, he jus dun wan to be tied up, and tis is the treatment i get from him?

 

[miloice]

Wynn, u r confusing me...
u wrote :
when we are dating, he is damn gd to me. he even tel me that im the one he wanna to settledown with. but after 3yrs of dating, he found his ex gf again to be with again. emailing her say he love her. after that he change all his password and etc. scare that i will know his stuffs.
....
and
after not long, when i decide to break up with him, i realise im pregnant. for a caring person like me, of course i wun go for abortion.

When you married him, you already know the real him and wanted out. You are crying foul after realizing marriage is not how you dreamt of. But clearly, the signs are written all over the wall already. And you knew it, but still wanted to gamble because you were pregnant. Its really your flaws in your selection and decision making. And you are completely blind to the circumstance of the marriage. This is the key factor why the marriage is the way it is today. Not because of his sister or mother but because of the way both (you and your husband) handled it. Its really a case of you gambled and lost. You knew the odds and risk involved but still cling on to your hopes of winning. Too bad, its a bad gamble. The signs are there all the long. You knew and wanted out. So, don't lie to yourself.

 

[kittenpie]

Milo, sometimes the hate just grow naturally, it is not a matter of decision. can you ask the heart not to hate? it is impossible because the heart has a life of its own.

just like if you naturally love the colour purple, you cant force yourself to un-love it. or you like chocolate more than vanilla, how can you make yourself reverse the preference?

hatred is often self-destructive. but hatred can also be motivation to carry out self-improvements and positive achievements. as for the painful part of hate, as the cliche goes, time will heal.

but dont be surprised if some people just love to hate, hate need not be an unpleasant feeling all the time. it can even be invigorating.

 

[miloice]

May, when a person dwells on the hatred, it loses its direction and bigger picture. I know its human to feel. But, pulling her back helps her to realize her resentments aren't helping her. If her hatred is making her to blame her inlaws rather than accept her responsibility, then I don't see how motivational that is. Emotions can be rationalized and steered towards positivity. The key is the rationalization and steering. When unguided and encouraged to dwell in negativity, it only grows downwards.

Even if she divorce, so? Does she realize her issues?? She need to take charge and responsibility of her life. She is in the state today largely because of herself. Look at how she repeatedly excuse it as being soft hearted. Several folks have already pointed. Being soft hearted is not the same as weak willed. She needs the wake up call.... She has somehow awaken but with the same tendencies of falling back in her dreams again. In the nutshell, she entertain herself with her dreams than checking it against reality. She knew her husband was going for his ex and she wanted out before marriage. This is reality. What's her dream... he was so nice for 3 yrs of dating and will continue to be nice after the marriage. -> SWEET DREAMS!

Regardless whether she stays in the marriage or not... she has the danger of dwelling in her idealistic ideas again because she never did realize her dreams (so called soft-heartedness) is the key reason for her issues.

 

[simpleman]

May Ong,

I don't agree at all that hate grows naturally and a positive motivation factor.

Yes, for the short moment, it may be invigorating to push you forward as hatred may drive you. But when you finally achieve something, it is not hatred but the passion for what you want to do.

Hatred does not grow naturally. People say it because it is convenient to say so.. just assign to something beyond our control. In reality, you can control it. If you hate someone, don't push the blame and say that someone has a "F... face". It is our desire to hate.

The heart has no life if it has no blood. If you don't want hatred, you can purge it. If you can't rid yourself of the hatred, don't blame other people nor your heart.. it is you.

 

[kittenpie]

SM, different people experience hate differently. there is not one universal way that people experience an emotion. i was talking about my own experience here, so may not apply to all.

 

[hazehaze]

yes i agree to miloice. it all on me. i would like to explain during the 3 yrs when we date, he is nice. but i did not know wat happen, jus on the particular nite when he is out to zouk with the ex gf (jus happen to meet) or rather meet out. im not sure. cause i trust him and did not ask.
from that day onwards, then all things changes. when i was about to leave him, jus so happen that i got pregnant. i wanna to give birth on myself. but he himself say that im using knife to force him to murder. in the 1st place i nvr have the intention of gettin married with him. he is the one who say wanna to be responsible for it. then he is the one who plan for the weddin. i did not force him into it. jus that he feel that with e kid im forcing him. i ever mention to him, saying i can be a single mother to take care the kid. but he insist on married cause he scare of others saying him.
yes all this i have brought it on myself. after the married he is nice n not nice. he even can tel me off saying im the one who force him to married and this will be wat i deserve to be. yrs after yrs. both of us did really give in. but no matter wat i do, there is always a CROSS there not to go beyond it.

 

[miloice]

May, emotions can be a power tool. But one needs to channel that energy correctly. No one is faulting the emotions itself.

 

[miloice]

Wynn, no point to dwell on past mistakes. The route is already written and you have walked it already. Learn from it. What is ahead is not yet written. The power is in your hands. Use it wisely.

 

[simpleman]

may,

No. I am not rubbishing your emotions of hate. What I don't agree is your subscription to the "idea" that "hate" has a life of its own and you are at its mercy.

Yes, maybe for you if that is the case. But has it occur to you that it is possible within you to purge that "hatred"? Is it your own weakness in not being able to deal with the hatred? Or you are just thinking that it is something you have no control and you are willing to subject yourself to this hatred for as long as you live?

I am not going to tell you that I am older than you and therefore I am wiser than you. But I have probably seen more of life and I have seen people filled with hatred till their death-bed.. or at someone's death-bed.. when it is all too late.. Why waste our lives away hating someone. It could be channelled into something more useful?

 

[kittenpie]

SM, i get what you mean. in this forum i always read your postings twice because they always made quite a bit of sense.

but has it occurred to you that people can love the feeling of hate? i wont speak for others, but i speak for myself, that the feeling of hate can be enjoyable for me. and i guess that this is probably not uncommon that is why there is the phrase "love to hate".

and personally, i channel my hateful emotions as impetus to achieve something. hate can become a passion for something, a passion to find a solution, to seek an answer, to work out something better.

as long as hatred does not develop into an attitude of constantly dwelling bitterly on something like your deathbed scenario. otherwise, any emotion, be it hatred or any other type of obsession, that creates an impediment and a hinderance should be addressed.

but just curious ... have you encountered any experience that should have created hate in you, but you actively dealt away with it. i would like to know how you have handled your hateful situations. perhaps im immature to think the way i do, so pls provide a case study where things work out effectively in a way that is different from my style.

and also, on a more kaypo note, how old are you? i sense that you are definitely not young (due to your many pearls of wisdom), so share you age leh.