Is this reasonable?
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Yes my dad did said that by giving him $$ is a kinda repayment to him. And he ought to deserve a sum of $$ when I'm getting married. Afterall, I'm a girl who belongs to this catergory: 'water that is being poured away'
My bros did not suffer the same fate as me, cos my mum was quite open abt $$ issue, when she was alive. So my bros were very lucky when my mum offered to pay for the bride's tables and purchase their new homes furnishings. Well, now my mum has gone, and my dad seems to feel that he has nothing left..so $$, booze & tabacco is his only comfort now.
My bros & I knew that any amount of $$ can never never satisfy my dad, nor shut him up. Like cactus suggested, that I'll should give him $6888 to shut his mouth up. Yes, this will be a temporarily solution, but will never shut him up. He will say I'm a gd daughter upon receiving the $$, but once every cent is spent, history repeats itself. Now everybody out there - my relatives, neighbours or even the kopi auntie downstairs thinks that his children are unfiliah children, cos we refused to give him a lump sum for his monthly expenses, and broke it down to weekly pocket money instead.
We would fork out the sum even if it take years to repay that loan, as long as I know he's happy and will spend it wisely. But it's not a matter of $5888, $6888 or even $108888. It's about one's contentment. I'm not ready to give such a sum of $$, if I obviously knew and able to forsee where the $$ will go to eventually.
My bros did not suffer the same fate as me, cos my mum was quite open abt $$ issue, when she was alive. So my bros were very lucky when my mum offered to pay for the bride's tables and purchase their new homes furnishings. Well, now my mum has gone, and my dad seems to feel that he has nothing left..so $$, booze & tabacco is his only comfort now.
My bros & I knew that any amount of $$ can never never satisfy my dad, nor shut him up. Like cactus suggested, that I'll should give him $6888 to shut his mouth up. Yes, this will be a temporarily solution, but will never shut him up. He will say I'm a gd daughter upon receiving the $$, but once every cent is spent, history repeats itself. Now everybody out there - my relatives, neighbours or even the kopi auntie downstairs thinks that his children are unfiliah children, cos we refused to give him a lump sum for his monthly expenses, and broke it down to weekly pocket money instead.
We would fork out the sum even if it take years to repay that loan, as long as I know he's happy and will spend it wisely. But it's not a matter of $5888, $6888 or even $108888. It's about one's contentment. I'm not ready to give such a sum of $$, if I obviously knew and able to forsee where the $$ will go to eventually.
Hmm... I think it's still important to take things one at a time. Just give to your dad more than what he is asking for now. At least your realtives your brothers will know.
If your dad says you are water to be poured away, then you can ask your dad to go to your brothers if he needs money in the future. (extreme lah.. but what to do?)
I feel wedding is really once in a life time and it is the start of a happy union. If possible, try to give more than what your dad is asking you to give. Let this be the last since you are going to be married out soon.
Once $ is given, it is not up to us to question where is goes.
If your dad says you are water to be poured away, then you can ask your dad to go to your brothers if he needs money in the future. (extreme lah.. but what to do?)
I feel wedding is really once in a life time and it is the start of a happy union. If possible, try to give more than what your dad is asking you to give. Let this be the last since you are going to be married out soon.
Once $ is given, it is not up to us to question where is goes.
The problem with us (dad & I) is: The more he demands, the more I'll refuse to give. Tat explains why we had a huge argument abt this ang bao issues. I was actually intending to give him a few tables of $$, even if her doesn't ask for it.
Ya man, surprisingly, my dad doesn't approach my brothers for $$, it's vice versa. And he will come to me for $$ instead, cos he knows I will give him under normal circumstances. For eg. Need $$ for food.
I just can't allow such behavior from a 70 yr-old man, who happens to be my father. He has to learn that $$ doesn't comes your way when: you stretch your hands out, and you'll get it.
Ya man, surprisingly, my dad doesn't approach my brothers for $$, it's vice versa. And he will come to me for $$ instead, cos he knows I will give him under normal circumstances. For eg. Need $$ for food.
I just can't allow such behavior from a 70 yr-old man, who happens to be my father. He has to learn that $$ doesn't comes your way when: you stretch your hands out, and you'll get it.
This would sound pretty silly but was wondering if anyone can give me advice.
I have a younger bro who is getting married next year. My parents have no idea about pinjin and any other customary wedding preparations because my mother is not chinese and both my sis and I didn't practise this. My dad has never been very traditional and I have no female cousins on my dad's side. However, my bro's fiance is from a very traditional chinese family.
My bro is still a student (pursuing his doctorate). My bro is looking to me for advice because he is clueless and I recently got married. But the thing is, things are so different for us. My sis married a Japanese and they paid for their own wedding. I married an Indian and we paid for our own wedding too. My sis and I didn't have the tea ceremony etc. My parents didn't ask/get anything from mine or my sis' in laws. In fact, my parents gave money to both my sis and I to help us along for our wedding preps.
My bro wants to put off any discussion on this issue until he finds out more because he doesn't want to be taken by surprise and so that he can explain to my parents why this is necessary.
Can anyone advise me, what is the standard practise/ standard gifts (the absolutely cannot refuse kind)?
Also, I personally feel since my parents do not believe/practise this custom is it reasonable for my parents to just give gifts/money to the bride and groom only and not to her parents.
BTW, my bro is paying for the wedding on his own too, which is already so difficult as he is a student.
I have a younger bro who is getting married next year. My parents have no idea about pinjin and any other customary wedding preparations because my mother is not chinese and both my sis and I didn't practise this. My dad has never been very traditional and I have no female cousins on my dad's side. However, my bro's fiance is from a very traditional chinese family.
My bro is still a student (pursuing his doctorate). My bro is looking to me for advice because he is clueless and I recently got married. But the thing is, things are so different for us. My sis married a Japanese and they paid for their own wedding. I married an Indian and we paid for our own wedding too. My sis and I didn't have the tea ceremony etc. My parents didn't ask/get anything from mine or my sis' in laws. In fact, my parents gave money to both my sis and I to help us along for our wedding preps.
My bro wants to put off any discussion on this issue until he finds out more because he doesn't want to be taken by surprise and so that he can explain to my parents why this is necessary.
Can anyone advise me, what is the standard practise/ standard gifts (the absolutely cannot refuse kind)?
Also, I personally feel since my parents do not believe/practise this custom is it reasonable for my parents to just give gifts/money to the bride and groom only and not to her parents.
BTW, my bro is paying for the wedding on his own too, which is already so difficult as he is a student.
sweet_candice
New Member
Vanilla, Y dun you do for a more simple and cheaper banquet table just for his reatives. for example if your parents wants 10 tables, choose a venue that charge 400 odd per table. In this case, 10 tables equals 4000 plus.
As for your friends or collegues, throw a private party and spend quality time with them.
Otherwise, tell your dad that your FH is getting a loan for the wedding and both of you will need to service a big loan after wedding and will not be able to contribute to his allowance after marriage.
As for your friends or collegues, throw a private party and spend quality time with them.
Otherwise, tell your dad that your FH is getting a loan for the wedding and both of you will need to service a big loan after wedding and will not be able to contribute to his allowance after marriage.
mmc, different chinese dialect has different practice so it depends your bro's fiance is from which dialect and also depend what the fiance's parents want. Some parents will take this opportunity to ask 'money' from the groom, giving reasons like they have raised their daughter so big, now going to marry away, have to 'compensate' them for the $$ they spent on raising her. Some parents are more understand, knowing that nowadays, getting married needs lots of $$ , so wont ask for too much, just abit'yi si yi si'will do. So again, depends on what yr bro's fiance's parents wants. I married a spanish and we paid for the wedding too so my parents didnt ask anything from him except we gave my mom an ang pao and my mom returned us half the money.We had tea ceremony though coz of all elders, somehow still need to respect them.
Hi candice
Thank you for your reply. Reason we din consider the restaurant cos intially we had enuff budget for a wedding banquet in a hotel. Paid the deposit and due to some reasons, we had to buy a HDB flat asap. So tat result in our cash flow probs, when we have to juggle both the house & wedding.
Anyway, I'm glad its all over now. Just had our wedding on 20 sept 2007. We managed to settle the dowry and the tables ang baos issue. Came up wif a win-win situation for both ourselves & my dad.
Hey cactus/cynthia, thanks for ur advices all these while
Reali appreciate tat.
Thank you for your reply. Reason we din consider the restaurant cos intially we had enuff budget for a wedding banquet in a hotel. Paid the deposit and due to some reasons, we had to buy a HDB flat asap. So tat result in our cash flow probs, when we have to juggle both the house & wedding.
Anyway, I'm glad its all over now. Just had our wedding on 20 sept 2007. We managed to settle the dowry and the tables ang baos issue. Came up wif a win-win situation for both ourselves & my dad.
Hey cactus/cynthia, thanks for ur advices all these while
poseidon_gal
New Member
when is the right time to check with my parents how much pin jin they wan???
I dont know how to ask ley.. Should i be the one asking or they will tell me automatically?
I dont know how to ask ley.. Should i be the one asking or they will tell me automatically?
hi ppl,
seems like you guys has already in the final stage liao. For me, my problem is even bigger!
Me and gf now just started to plan for 1 week only. But we encounter hell lots of problem just for choosing of the wedding banquet location and we had quarrel for a few times in a single week!
My dad wanted to go for a restaurant which he say the food is really good because own by his friend. I had the say the food is really good because my bro had his wedding there but it is just a run down country club. My gf wanted to held the wedding in the hotel.
For me, i wanted to hold the banquet in a hotel but no need those 5 star kind but at the same time, i respect my dad and also wanted him to be happy. Gf's parent had no opinion on the location.
My dad's main concern is the food and the location as he is worried that those old folk/friends of him will not be able to locate those town areas hotel easily as they seldom went to town. So me and gf do respect my dad and at the same time we wanted to have it in a hotel where 2 of us wanted.
Haiz.. End up quarrel with gf and she suggest that we just ROM can liao because preparation should be a happy occasion rather than keep quarreling. I also dont know what to do now. Dont know how to talk to my dad. Gf is worried that even we manage to talk to my dad to hold the banquet in a hotel, he will be unhappy inside his heart as he believe hotel food will most likely lose to those restaurant.
Please help. Really dont know what to do now
seems like you guys has already in the final stage liao. For me, my problem is even bigger!
Me and gf now just started to plan for 1 week only. But we encounter hell lots of problem just for choosing of the wedding banquet location and we had quarrel for a few times in a single week!
My dad wanted to go for a restaurant which he say the food is really good because own by his friend. I had the say the food is really good because my bro had his wedding there but it is just a run down country club. My gf wanted to held the wedding in the hotel.
For me, i wanted to hold the banquet in a hotel but no need those 5 star kind but at the same time, i respect my dad and also wanted him to be happy. Gf's parent had no opinion on the location.
My dad's main concern is the food and the location as he is worried that those old folk/friends of him will not be able to locate those town areas hotel easily as they seldom went to town. So me and gf do respect my dad and at the same time we wanted to have it in a hotel where 2 of us wanted.
Haiz.. End up quarrel with gf and she suggest that we just ROM can liao because preparation should be a happy occasion rather than keep quarreling. I also dont know what to do now. Dont know how to talk to my dad. Gf is worried that even we manage to talk to my dad to hold the banquet in a hotel, he will be unhappy inside his heart as he believe hotel food will most likely lose to those restaurant.
Please help. Really dont know what to do now
sleepyskies
New Member
Hi shirataki,
If your dad really prefers a restaurant..why not compromise by having the banquet in a hotel restaurant? You can do up the restaurant with the help of a decent florist and the food in a hotel's restaurant is usually better than their kitchen's too. Win-win situation for both parties. As for the location of the hotel, you will have to discuss further with your dad...maybe you can print a map of the hotel in your invitation cards so that your dad's frens can find the place easily. Alternatively, you can arrange for a coach to pick up your dad's frens at a specified pick-up pt (cost involved but as long as he's happy right?)
If your dad really insists on a restaurant, there are a few places with really good food and ambience like Peach Garden (spectacular food & views), My Humble House etc.
Chin up..things are not as bad as they seem. Have a good talk with you gf as well..assure her that you are both on the same side (you are in this together!) and things can always be worked out. Gd luck!
If your dad really prefers a restaurant..why not compromise by having the banquet in a hotel restaurant? You can do up the restaurant with the help of a decent florist and the food in a hotel's restaurant is usually better than their kitchen's too. Win-win situation for both parties. As for the location of the hotel, you will have to discuss further with your dad...maybe you can print a map of the hotel in your invitation cards so that your dad's frens can find the place easily. Alternatively, you can arrange for a coach to pick up your dad's frens at a specified pick-up pt (cost involved but as long as he's happy right?)
If your dad really insists on a restaurant, there are a few places with really good food and ambience like Peach Garden (spectacular food & views), My Humble House etc.
Chin up..things are not as bad as they seem. Have a good talk with you gf as well..assure her that you are both on the same side (you are in this together!) and things can always be worked out. Gd luck!