Is this reasonable?

[chums]

Hi all,

I need some advice on below things requested by my parents for my GDL and actual day.

-24 box of cakes
-36 cans of pig trotters
-8 tables for banquets (each costing $678)
-pin jin (my mum said she will take a few hundred
only since she's taking 8 tables)
My mum will keep all the ang paos she receive for her 8 tables and she said will return some to us but not sure how much since have to depend on total ang paos collected.

My bf thought this is unreasonable as he feel tat 8 tables is a lot. He is only willing to either pay for 3 tables or he will pay for 8 tables but all ang pao received have to be returned back to us. But to my mum, she feels that bride's side has the right to ask for number of tables and she will keep all the ang paos.

So I said I will pay for the remaining 5 tables for my mum, he also refused saying tat he dun wish to see both of us spending unnecessary money. I am really in a fix how to solve this problem as my bf keep insisting that he will talk to my mum directly tat he cant pay for all this. I really dun wish to see them ending up in quarrels and everyone is so unhappy over this wedding thing. My bf's parents is not helping him on a single item as they feel tat if u wan to get married, then u pay for all your own stuff although they can jolly well afford it. Wat shd i do?

 

[shermaine24sg]

Hi Chums,

I think what your mum asks is pretty reasonable. Yes, your mum does have the right not to return the ang pows collected back to your BF.

This is what my parents have asked from my hubby.

24 boxes of cakes
24 cans of pig trotters
10 tables for banquet

As for the tables, my parents and I have compromised that they will return half of the ang pows collected on that night. As for pin jin, they will also be taking only a few hundred dollars as 'yi si yi si".

Ya, I can understand fully how you feel about the whole situation. It happened to me too, luckily my parents finally understand our difficulties as we are also paying the whole wedding our own.

Take it easy, things will turn out fine in the end.

 

[midas]

hi,

my hubby gave 3 tables to my mum (all AP kept by mum) & $2888 pin jin ($888 return to hubby)

my sis wedding, her hubby gave 6 tables & $999 pin jin to my mum(all AP kept by mum)

i personnally think tat request below 10tables is quite reasonable. maybe u can nego wif ur mum to gv back some AP money (maybe 30%)...

 

[chums]

Hi shermaine/midas,

Yes, my mum said she will surely return us some ang paos but she cant comment on how much since she is not sure how much can she collect. My bf always say tat his friends MIL will return all ang paos to them and they did not request for so many tables. Of course different people has different tinking and u can't force everyone to follow your way. He even said tat then his parents also has the right to keep all the angpaos and dun return to us. Wat kind of reason is tat??

He even asked me how much pin jin my mum would take from him, how would i know? I know he's hard up on cash but some things u cant jus save on it mah. Really going crazy over all this...

 

[sylvester]

Hi all,

am new to the forum and happened to see this thread. just want to share what my parents have asked for and hopefully chums will feel better.

-40 boxes of begawang solo cakes (medium sizes, $10.60 each)
-40 boxes of teochew cakes ($16 each)
-some kueh/cakes for grandmother
-48 cans of pig trotters
-10 tables for banquet
-2 bottles of hard liquor
-and a few other angbaos

as for pin jin, it is just a formality. they will just take a few hundred. however, they will not be returning any angbao money to us.

my future parents-in-law are not very happy and complained right in my face. I cried quite a few times (only to my bf) coz really felt put in a spot as my parents insisted that they are not too demanding.

so.... now crossing my fingers and hope for the best loh... pretend i never hear anything from both sides...

chums, dun worry too much... wedding is for us... hope you wun feel so down after seeing how demanding my parents are... take care and cheer up =)

 

[stepford]

Hmm... I'm curious about this number of tables issue. Is it a norm cos we are paying for everything, and our parents are not paying a single cent.

 

[rinnie]

Hi chums, i tink it's pretty reasonable...my bf and I are also paying for our wedding on our own, no assistance from parents. My wedding's next year but instead of my mum requesting ar, my bf already suggested that give my mum 10-12 tables, each costing around 800. As for AP, my mum will be keeping all. That's what we told her. At first she said she will return all to me but I felt that those AP are her friends and relatives' well-wishes so should let her keep. So instead, she said that she will sponser some furniture for my new house in the future..I guess wedding should be a happy occasion. Cheer up gals..=)

 

[midas]

hi,

wat i understand is traditionaly, grooms parents shld pay for the tables n pin jin requested by brides parents and brides parents will keep all APs received from those tables.

but now a days most couples pay from their own pockets, so most pple will nego with both sides parents for a 'reasonable pkg' tat is affordable for the couple to handle...otherwise dun get married for the rest of our lives lor (couple will win in the end lah coz parents can't bear to see their children stay single/miserable lor)

 

[chums]

Hi,

Nowadays it's the couple who is paying for the tables not like in the past where groom side will pay for everything. If we have the ability to pay ourselves, of course it's the best lah no need to depend on parents.

My bf's mum is not paying for anything and she still can comment tat how come my side take so many tables, really buay tahan her. Then she tell my bf to tell me to go and ask my mum how much angpaos she returning us so tat her bf would not pay so much for the tables. How can u ask such a thing?? I feel tat she should at least show some respect for my mum lah, my mum has the right not to return the ang paos too.

Why do we have to face this kind of problems when wedding is a happy occassion? Haiz~~

 

[chums]

How do u gals's mum react when they know tat it's both the couple who will pay for the banquet not just the bridegroom? Yesterday really had a big argument when my mum found out tat actually i am also sharing the banquet cost with my bf. She was very angry, commented tat how come I have to pay for the banquet when it's supposed to be the guy side? How come my bf's parents dont even help to pay a single cent? She even scolded me for being so stupid, i was really vexed and upset.

I am trying to make both side happy by forking out my own savings to pay for my mum's tables but now everyone is unhappy with me. I really feel like cancelling the whole wedding and jus put everything to an end...

 

[cactus_79]

Hi chums.. I was in the same position as you but my parents have learnt to accept it. I told them if we pay for the wedding dinner ourselves, we retain full control of the proceedings.. like, no yum seng.. blah blah blah... we will be happier. Also, I told her if my husband pays for it totally (no way his family can pay for it cos they are not rich), I will just have to slog and continue working cos I will need to pay a greater portion towards our housing...
But just to add, my in-laws are paying for the other stuff like guo da li, and jewellry for me.. my husband not paying for these.

 

[midas]

hi chums,

i wld juz tell my mum "if u want guy side to pay all then i will nvr get married even after i'm 40yrs old...do u wan ur daugther to suffer like tat?" and they'll surely back out (unless they dun really luv u)

 

[soontobe]

Chums, it's very common nowadays for couples to pay for their entire wedding. Me too, saving the costs with my FH, including the pin jin for my mum.

My mum, on the other hand, jus doesn't understand this and kept nagging at me. But, hack care...it's my wedding and my money. Why should I quarrel with her over how I spend my money?

 

[devila]

hi chums, in fact im oso worried abt the same thing coz my bf's bro set an example of not "offically" giving any tables to the ger's side... all expenses is bear by the couple & all AP will b used to offset the banquet...

nw my bf expect me 2 go for the same thing... luckily my mum can understand our situation that we r pay'g for the banquet & we dun haf much $$... try explain 2 both side & compromise abit. im sure they will understand...

da most impt thing is to stay happy

 

[chums]

I tink my mum is not open-minded, still traditional tinking. So she cant accept tat her own daughter is paying for the banquet, including house reno. Yesterday she was so mad tat she kept nagging and kept commenting tat y i so stupid go and agree to pay for the banquet... If i have a choice, do i wan to pay for all these. My bf is not rich, he's paying for all the GDL stuff and pin jin so he's kinda scare of forking out more cash. Haiz~~ wonder how to solve all these, y r we stuck in this kind of situation??

 

[cactus_79]

hi chums,would it be possible to lie to your mom - to say that your bf is going to pay for everything now? Tell your bf and his family to keep quiet about it.

 

[midas]

hi cactus,

wah...mother n daughter also need to lie to each other makes the whole relationship meaningless liao leh..

i still think being firm about your decision is the way to go..

 

[cactus_79]

Hi midas,
I agree that parent and child should be honest with each other.. but sometimes, depend on parents' personality. If a mother is the sort to be forever angry with the son-in-law for her daughter needing to pay for wedding dinner, then may need to lie...to preserve harmonious relationship. I think this way prob cos I prefer to avoid problems.

 

[kaye]

chum,
I had the same situation as U before...
ABs all go to my parents...
My father is really the traditional kind who think its the guy side who's paying...
When he awares that I m paying 50% of everything, he really quite angry abt it....
cos he feels how come the guy's parents not contributing...
Many arguments during this wedding prep.
but in the end, my hb agrees to everything lor...
Till now, my hb still unhappy abt the AB & Pin Jin issue.
cos these amt would lighten our load alot.
My installments would ve been paid off with tat amt.
Anyway, wats over is over....
We didnt tell my ILs abt the AB issue cos I believe they will ve some bad impression on my parents....

 

[chums]

Hi all,

came to another agreement with my mum. Told her tat out of the 8 tables she take, my bf will cover abt 5 tables from his own pocket and if anymore excess loss, i will share with him the excess loss on the 8 tables and not the whole banquet loss. Hopefully our friends and his relatives dun make us lose anymore money. At least, my mum is not tat angry anymore but she still makes comment tat my bf's parents is not generous enough. Haiz~~ wat to do, take a gun and point at them to ask them to pay for us meh...

 

[venusian]

Hi Chums,

If your mom is still mentioning about you paying for the wedding expenses, then maybe tell her that treat it like a gift for her for bringing you up lor.

As for pin jin, i suppose it meant to be the guy's side paying the $ to the bride's mom to show appreciation rite? If it's like that then i feel that if the bride pay some, it can show that the bride is appreciative of what the mom has done for her rite?

actually my AD is only next yr but i'm a bit worried too cos i really don't know what my mom would ask from my hubby side. At the moment i only know that my mom said for " Si Dian Jin", must have a pair of earrings, haha. I wish it could be so simple...

My parents have contributed a sum of money for our reno last time...so i also dun expect them to fork out more cash for the dinner this time...Just see how it goes...my hubby's fav phrase "See how 1st"...

 

[jasmine23]

Hi all,

just happened to see this thread. just want to share what my parents have asked for. i think my parents r quite reasonable s they think GDL n asking for how many tables is just a formality n yi shi yi shi...

-30 boxes of cakes (medium sizes, $10.80 each)
-8 cans of pig trotters
-5 tables for banquet (if my mum wants any excess tables, she say she will pay for it, but the Ang paos she got from my relatives, she gotto keep it)
-2 bottles of hard liquor
- 8 oranges
- 1 roasted pig during the AD
-and as for pin jin, it is just a formality. they will just take a few hundred depending on how much my husband give.

As for the GDL stuffs, the cost r all beared by my husband except the " Si Dian Jin", which my MIL would buy... S for the wedding banquet, we r sharing the cost bet my hubby n me...

chums, dun worry too much... wedding is for us... take care and cheer up =)

 

[corsage]

Chums, just came upon this thread and just wanted to drop you a note of encouragement. I guess your mum loves you very much, and feels that by asking for certain amount, it is also to show how important you are to the family. It is probably a deep belief that is not easy to shake off for an older person. For you and your FH, I suppose you could work out your budget together, maybe to make some adjustments so that the parents can all be satisfied - after all, I'm sure it is also an emotional time for them to have their children get married

Wish you all the best!

 

[princessnono]

tot i revive this thread a little..
me also very stress.. mum requested for 12 boxes of cakes.. 3 tables but now want to increase to 5 tables.. & pin ji want $10K.. but not sure will return us howmuch.. Super stress.. I think she asking too much!! so had arguement with her.. now ignoring her.. haiz.. =(

 

[penn]

hi all,

Would appreciate your advice if what my mum (a canto) is asking for is reasonable:

- 10 tables
- pin jin (amount to be equivalent to 2 tables)
- 1 roast pig
- dragon pheonix bangles
- hai wei e.g., dried scallops, abalone, mushroom and one more type cant rem
- 2 bottles hard liquor
- ang pow for brother - for him to buy pants and shoes
- cakes (no. of boxes have not decided, but should be enough for all relatives)

Parents not contributing at all, and will keep ang baos from all the 10 tables. Mum claims the above list is basic, and that she could have asked for more. APpreciate your views on this.

Groom side isn't very happy, and I don't know what to do. My mum will not budge at all. Thing is my HTB is half Eurasian. Altho his father is CHinese, they are very ang moh, and do not know these things. I tried educating HTB, he is reading and communicating to his parents, but they still feel it's excessive.They have asked around and the info they receive from relatives reinforce that what my mum asking for is more than normal - some told them only 5 tables to offer to bride etc.

I'm really lost, sad and stressed....

 

[samanlyt]

Hi Gals

Me in the same situation as you girls too. My dad asking for 8 tables, and AP he keep and pin jin of a 4 digit figure he emphasized. And the rest like roast pig & cakes all no need. Since my mum is no longer around, there's no one to help me in the preparation. And my dad oso bo chup.

As you know, the banquet is me & hubby who are the ones who are forking out the $$, and we reali cant afford to lose the $$ for the 8 tables. Tried talking to my dad abt it, and he blew his top. Saying things like: why is his daughter paying for the banquet etc..And it doesnt reflect well on my hubby, since dad thinks tat the groom/his family should pay for the banquet.

So now, we are still stuck on that issue, cos dad refused to talk about it. Am afraid on the day of my AD, most likely the relatives will pass the AP to him, then he will keep inside his own pocket. If tat's the case, I may not know how much he has gotten, and thus me & hubby will probably make a loss.

My in laws knew about the prob, and they offered to pay for the 8 tables, but I didn't wanna impose them any further. Since they have been sponsoring us for our BS package and some of our love nest furniture. So paiseh aldy lor...

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Vanilla, actually why don't you let your ILs pay for the 8 tables? This will make your dad happy. Then you and your husband pay for your BS package and some of the furniture. I think this $ cannot not be spent - if you get what I mean. Instead of getting your ILs to sponsor non-traditional items, might as well let them pay the 8 tables? Make your dad happy?

 

[samanlyt]

Hi cactus

Reason being I'm aldy felt very paiseh to take more from them, and I felt I shdn't impose on them any further just to make my dad happy..Sigh The story goes like this:

Our love nest was unplanned for (long story), and b4 the house came along, we had the budget for the banquet, and has paid the deposit for the BS, and banquet then. Me & hubby actually intend to rent an apartment after our customary then slowly look out for HDB flats. So in the end, some issues surfaced, and it got me & hubby thinking that maybe we ought to get our own flat instead. So there wasn't any WIS then, and we waited till our necks long, and decided to purchase a re-sale flat instead.

So we were reali need a roof over our heads then. In-laws offered to loan us the $$ for the deposit and we decided to use the $$ from our joint acct(intend to use the $$ for our wedding stuff, BS initially) to purchase furnishings instead.

Again in-laws offered to buy dining table, cookery ware etc..for us. By then, when we finally shifted in, we left little $$ for our wedding. And we thought, we still have 1 yr to save at least a few K for our wedding, but were were so wrong. $$ is never enough when we have to handle the customary and the flat at the same time.

So in-laws understand our situation, and offered to pay for the remaining amount for the BS, and thus gave us a few thousand again.

This time round, they again offered to pay for the 8 tables, I reali felt paiseh. It made me felt very useless as their DIL.

Though I know they really dote on me & hubby.

Thanks for listening ya? Its kinda long-winded.

 

[cactus_79]

Hmm... seems like it's not possible to reject the $ given by your ILs for house deposit and some furniture.... but I think it means alot to your dad for your ILs to give him the 8 tables... would it be possible for you to tell a white lie to your dad that your ILs did pay for the 8 tables? Perhaps you can try to come up with the $ together with your husband? I feel wedding is once in a life time and it's the start of the union of 2 families.. if it is something $ can resolve, it may be better to resolve it.. In the future, touch wood, there may be additional probs escalating which even $ cannot resolve. by that time, you would have more $ (presumably) through saving through the years, but the issues that have cropped up cannot be resolved by $ anymore...just my 2 cents' worth.

I think your ILs won't see you as a useless DIL. Instead you are very thoughtful already.. and I'm sure they know your intentions...

 

[ngfifi]

Hi chums

I feel that wat ur mum is asking is nt too much. Afterall, the $ she had spent for bringing u up is definitely worth more than wat she is asking for nw

During my wedding, thou my PIL pay for everything, we still try to negotiate with my mum for certain things which are nt needed. If u r a Teochew bride, u shld kw a lot of customary stuff will easily cost more than $500

Tats y, my mum only accepted the pinjin and she return us all the AP for the banquet thou she was given 20 tables

I think u will need to speak to ur FH and sit dwn n have a discussions coz i can tell u, financial issue is always a problems during marriage preparation

 

[ariesta]

hi vanilla, giving ur dad the benefit of doubt, i am assuming tat ur dad wants to be able to tell ur relatives tat ur in-laws dote on u that they gif 8tables.
Since ur in-laws has helped u alot, maybe u can explain to ur dad that for ur wedding, the in-laws are already paying for tis and tat. negotiate wif ur dad. see wat he really wants out of the 8 tables. wats possible is tat u ask ur dad if the angpao from the 8 tables can be used to pay the cost of the 8tables. Any extra $$ u will return to him.
btw in my case, my hubby offered my parents 5 tables w/o asking me. so wat happened, is that we give the tables to my parents "in name" only. the ang pao still came back to us. (my parents take it tat the angpaos are considered a gif to mi lor) maybe u can ask ur dad if he can make the angpao's a gift to u.
i hope ur wedding will be a joyous occassion for u and ur family!

 

[samanlyt]

Hi cactus

My dad is a very traditional cantonese man. He thinks tat the groom's side needs to give him the 8 tables, and the AP too. Tat's y he told us he wun wanna any GDL gifts. He only wans 'pin jin & AP'. Quite money-minded I felt, it's like selling his daughter away, though I know its part of the tradition. Hubby & I discussed and decided we'll let him have the 8 tables of AP, if he refused to budge. We'll bear the remaining cost if *touch wood* we make a loss. But am not sure if he will 'secretly' pocket the AP on that day of the banquet.

Hi Ariesta

Have told him about giving me back the AP as a gift to me and suggesting to him tat I'll give him the remainder back, and he said: 'Should be the other way round! You should gimme the AP $$ as a gift, since I brought u up. Am aldy so old (turning 70) aldy, and retired. I have no $$, so if i dun take the AP $$, how do u expect me to survive? We should stick to the tradition!' etc... I love my dad though he's old & cranky, but well, I was hoping he'll understand my situation too.

 

[cactus_79]

hi vanilla, I think your dad just wants to show relatives you are well married off.... try to think of it this way - if money can buy happiness, that is money well spent. Marriage is supposed to be a happy affair. There are some pple with lots of money but not happy. They are much worse off.

 

[hapimint]

vanilla, my parents also request for 5 tables and the hongbao and also pinjin mar...
I think it is common and we are not expecting them to give us back the hong baos..
Alot of parents nowadays do give back the hong baos to help the children as alot are not paid for by guy's family but by the couple.
But there are many parents who are still quite traditional... no matter what happens, well, we got to learn to resolve it....
At first, my own BF is also like your BF, refused to give tables, he is only willing to give in name. He felt that it is like selling off me... but at the end, seeing how upset I am by his insistence, we worked on a compromise and now, both of us are saving for the wedding....
Talk to your BF. Your parents are traditonal but do not expect them to budge.
Let your BF knows that this is the normal tradition and as a daughter, you would really want to do this. To make this a joyous occasion.

 

[samanlyt]

Hi cactus

Ya lor, of cos I wanna my dad to be proud of me & hubby etc...but I was kinda upset tat he failed or refused to understand the current situation and put the $$ issue aside for a while. But we told him la, if it reali make him happy to have tat AP $$, then i will give. But well, at the end of the day, I know where the $$ goes to.

Hi mindy

My hubby is very understanding, and yes, he agree tat we shd respect the elderly. It's me la..Intially we tht can compromise and work out an amount we both agree, but dun think its workable now.

 

[cactus_79]

Hey Vanilla, maybe you can try think of it this way... $ goes to your dad, at least he has more savings for himself... good for you also cos you have less pressure to give her $ during emergencies if you cannot afford it at that time. I feel we are still young. We can do things like apply for credit card or housing loan. but our parents are less likely to be able to do this... after all, we already take up housing loan, etc...just take up an additional amount equivalent of 8 tables.. to "buy" happiness for your dad. I think that is a very worth it deal.

 

[samanlyt]

Ya cactus, i get wat u mean. I will do it if it makes my dad haapy. Afterall it's a way of saying 'Thank you' for bringing me up. I asked if he could allow us to take the AP to settle the bill for the banquet 1st, and whatever $$ remaining, we'll give it to him.

But seriously, not that I refuse do give in, but we really in a terrible situation now.

 

[samanlyt]

Haiz, argue with my dad again yesterday. Cause me to argue with hubby for one whole day, until we broke down.

My eldest bro who is the 'helper/middle man' for my customary and tables arrangement told us yest tat my dad is asking for 8 tables and all AP $$ for tat 8 tables OR ping jin $5888 from in-laws and all ang baos return to us. He wants us to give him a favourable reply asap.

Now my in-laws thinks badly of my dad, cos my dad initially told my hubby that he wans little pin jing and thus my hubby relate the msg to his parents. So they already decide to give $1888 for ping jin. Now my dad changes his mind again. And in-laws thinks he is selling daughter away.

Why must he do this to me?!!

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Vanilla,

I'm sorry to hear what happened.

Can your husband top up $ for the pin jing? I think if possible, your husband should try to give not $4k more, to make up $5888, but give $5k more, to m ake up $6888. This will definately make your dad happy and will negate the unhappiness on your dad's side.

Then, to make your husband and ILs happy, can you strike a deal with your husband? Tell your husband that you will save up from your salary, save up very very hard, so that you can contribute much more to the housing? Then, have your husband spread this committment of yours to your ILs.

Try to defuse the situation - take the attention away from your dad's request now. Focus on getting the prob solved. If you don't give in to your dad's request, your dad will be very unhappy. You won't be happy. It's only natural. Your husband may feel unahppy too. I'd try to appease both sides and will sacrifice on my pastimes/leisures/luxuries - or what little that I have, to make both sides happy.

 

[samanlyt]

Hi Catcus

Thanks for the suggestion. To top up the ping jin to $6888 is very tough on us. Since we have to settle our reno loans, bills as well, which add to a 5 digit figure sum.

My in-laws are increasing the ping jin amount to $2888, and we are gonna give my dad another $2200 (equals to 3 tables). Total= $5088. My brother will seek my dad's approval for me, and now waiting for my dad's approval.

I hope to give a substantial amount that me & hubby will be able to afford and not agree to give something which are not within our means. I don't think life will become easier by doing this. We may end up being brought down by huge debts (which we already are), and thus may not even able to afford to raise a child.

 

[cactus_79]

It is good to plan for our futures... consider finances, and do good budgeting. But I feel where parents' well being or happiness is at stake, especially so early on in marriage, it's better to give in to them as much as possible. Perhaps you can consider going somewhere near for honeymoon, or postponing honeymoon till 1 year later, to celebrate your wedding anniversary? Simple steps like these can go a long way to create more $ for the present to appease your dad.

 

[cactus_79]

I feel if you are already taking a $100k loan for housing, etc, why not take an additional $3k loan to make your dad happy?

I'm speaking from experience. My husband has an outstanding $50k study loan. We did our sums and budgeted. Our top priority was to get a nice place for our wedding dinner, and to repay my MIL $ into her CPF account which was part payment for my husband's study. Yes, we have gotten a nice place for our wedding dinner, and we have repaid my MIL. But we have not bought a house yet, or a car. Initially, we planned to go to Bintan or Batam for our honeymoon... but after considering our finances 1 year after paying MIL $ into her CPF account, we realised we had a bigger budget cos we had cut down on fancy meals outside (I would cook on weekends instead to save money) and we didn't watch movies anymore and only did essential shopping during sales periods... with that bigger budget, we changed our honeymoon plans and would be going to Paris now.

What I'm trying to say is the situation may not be that bleak. It's more important to make our parents happy cos happiness cannot be bought with $ every time. While happiness can still be bought with $, we should do it. Without our parents, we won't even be here anymore. What we can do, is to stinge on ourselves.. our enjoyment, and we will be surprised after a period of time (6 months, 1 year) that we have saved up so much and the initial $ gift to our parents/ILs is not only "recouped" but we can spend more on ourselves too.

 

[monkie]

hi VaniLLa,
like what others have said, its best to let money solve the problem than to risk souring the relationship between your dad & you.

despite having so much debts that my bf is dealing from house renvo to buying furnitures and electrical appliances... my parents still insist on throwing addition wedding lunch just for my parent's friends and my friends instead of combining all guest to one day that is my AD.

having a spearate banquet means extra money and time spent. because of this extra banquet, I will have not much money to help with my bf's loan.

no doubt my mother says she will pay for the banquet but I also understand her limited savings.

hence my bf and I will really have to bite the bullet to go through this finance crisis. have to be very mindful of every single cent we spent after our wedding. for me, I may take up part time job to help him repay his loans.

the end result is = 2 happy familes and 2 light hearted couple.

 

[bluesky_916]

dear all,

my mum asking for 5 tables + $3000. is this reasonable?

she also requesting the shao zhu to be converted to cash and the boxes of cake to be converted to vouchers.

thanks.

 

[cactus_79]

Hi angela, I don't know what is reasonable or unreasonable cos my thinking is if my parents ask for something "unreasonable" according to what people tell me, I can't go back to my parents to tell them to ask for less... it will only upset them. Further, individual circumstnaces differ. SOme brides may be only childs, some brides may have been brought up by single parent, some brides may be very very educated or very very capable with a fantastic reputation that can add value to the groom's family/career, the sacrifices by bride's parents in bringing the bride up.. all these will greatly increase the value of the brides and not that our value should determine how much pinjing and tables the groom's parents' give, but these factors will definately affect what the bride's parents ask for.

Just to share, in my case, my ILs mentioned they will give my parents pinjing and buy me si dian jing. The amount of pinjing was not discussed. My parents didn't ask for any particular sum. my husband told me separately my MIL has a budget of $6k for the si dian jing. My ILs offered my parents 10 tables. My parents will be taking 8. My parents requested for cakes and dried foodstuff and some wine and oranges. My ILs said okay. In return, my parents bought my husband about $8k worth of items including a watch costing $6k. My parents' jewelry gifts, bridal bed necessities and cash dowry amount to about $80k. How to compare what is reasonable and what is not? My ILs never raised an eyebrow or complained about what my parents asked. My parents also gave the gifts to my husband and I willingly. By the way, both my aprents and ILs stay in 5 room HDB flat. They are not filthy rich people...they just saved up really hard for our wedding. Esp my parents.

 

[monkie]

angela,
do not compare the pin jin and # of tables. sure of ppl more than you and ppl less than you.
doesn't mean if u recieve more $ means u more valuable to the eyes of in laws and cheap if the $ is less.

most importantly is a haromnous relationship with them. love them as you will love your parents.

so long both side parents are OK with the arrangment, then everything is REASONABLE.

smile...

 

[cactus_79]

Yeah, I agree with cynthia. Best is both parents must be happy with the arrangement. I personally feel if one side asking for an amount the other side dun want to give, it is up to us, as the couple to make up the difference.. secretely. I value harmony alot.

 

[hapimint]

I agree too...
My own parents asked for either 5k pin jin with all ang baos return to us or a amount that we are comfotable with PinJin and 6 tables with ang bao that they keep...
My parents also asked for over 20 boxes of cakes, double from what my elder sister had given...
Seriously, after my SO understand the situation, both of us begin to save...
We are also getting our own flat and planning renovation too...
Seriously, no point comparing... this is a happy event... Why discuss till everybody is unhappy?
My PIL do not know about all the amount.. and they are not interested to know because we will be the one giving the Pin Jin and the dinner... so why bother them....
We both know that we need to save and also there are things that we cannot afford so we decide to give ourselves at least 18 months to save...
Furthermore, both me and my SO are studying PT degree....
We bought our love nest... but we are not doing renovation or moving in yet because we decide to push back the renovation till later when we can afford it...
Furthermore, both of us has decide not to do alot of renovation so that we can save some money and can refurnish it when we have more money in the future.....
Seriously, I do not see the need for the male side to fork out any money.....
We are the ones getting married and so we are responsible for our own wedding and future....

 

[samanlyt]

I guess diff family and couples have diff set of thinkings. Ultimately, every child would wans their parents to be happy. Same goes for mi too. I have to admit, I'm rather stubborn in my own ways and I do stand firm in what I believe in.

I have been asking myself: is $$ the only thing that will make my dad happy, and does it really matters that its compulsory that I have to show how filial I m by making this 'repayment'? So what's next after 'repayment'? Wash my hands off all matters, cos I do not belong to my family onwards, jus like what the older generation practice 100 yrs back?

Seriously, I refused to allow myself to be a chip in this whole saga, and I'll fight till the end if I have to. It seems that I'm being held hostage, and my poor in laws have to fork out that kinda sum, b4 my family agree to release me. Am I worth only $5K? To me, filial piety does not have to be shown onli on that wedding day itself. To him, $$ means the world to him, it can buy almost everything n anything.

At the end of the day, I just wanna prove to my dad that I'll be the one who will hold his wrinkled hand till the very end. I wanna make him see that $$ isn't everything.

Like I say, I would be more than happy to fork out tat sum of $$, even if he doesn't ask for it. Am feeling very upset and hurt when he make this whole thing sounds like a ransom.

I understand its always boils down to the point of: making both families happy. But how many parents/parents-in-laws out there, that are really happy with one another, even after getting what they want eventually?

The dowry may have be given to my dad as per what he has requested at the end of the day. My dad & in laws may shake hands, laugh heartily and call each other in-laws during the banquet. But what's next after the ceremony? Will my dad be contented? Or will he continue to harp on it, although he has already gotten what he wans?

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Vanilla,

I understand your frustration. Did your dad say $$ during wedding is repayment? I don't think your dad expects you to cut off ties with him after the wedding. Perhaps your dad wants the $$ to show to his relatives that you are very precious to your ILs.. sometimes, that's the way old people think.

Perhaps you can focus on how to get your dad what he wants, without burdening your ILs too much. Have your husband contribute financially to relieve the burden of your ILs.. after all, your ILs must be old too and probably retired or close to retirement. Not easy for them. You can help your husband with the financial burden by making a commitment to save up more towards your own family. I'm very sure your husband will appreciate that commitment. Once the hurdle of wedding preps is crossed, the rest can be dealt with one at a time. Settle the dowry first. If your dad wants to continue harping on it, there's nothing you can do right? That's why I feel if possible, if your dad asked for $5888 pinjing, try to give $6888.. "shut" his mouth once and for all. After all, if he truly wants only $5888, he will return more pinjing to your husband if your husband gives $6888. It makes both sides look very good.