Is this acceptable?

wat2do

New Member
Hi, just want to ask, if a husband meets his female colleague everyday and walk out of the company together everyday, is it ok?

My fren's husband has this situation, they're not staying anywhere near each other, don't think they're taking bus at the same busstop, but just like to meet n simply walk out of the company after work together. Her husbnad is abt 30 years old, she knows that the girl is about 10 years younger than her husband, they're lunch kakis (but also got other people). They always msn each other during office hours. And seems that the girl loves to rely on her husband a lot, cos got one time the girl called her husband, and consulted him on some 'love issues' with her ex-bf.

This is what i know fr my fren, based on all these, do you think it's ok for my fren to keep quiet and tell herself that all these are ok?

Cos based on my own bad experience, I don't quite think it's ok, but I know i'm those paronoid and insecure type, so I don't want to give her the wrong advice/opinion. Wonder what would the rest feel? To the rest, is it just another of those peeling prawns cases?
 


laundry_woes

New Member
Yes, it is another of those prawn peeling cases. If u can't even trust ur hub to keep things in check, the marriage might as well be over.
 

hungrydog

New Member
Hmm.. I have different opinion..Its true that you shld trust your partner to make things work..But human is still human, when together for long, sharing more personal feeling..more or less they will develop some kind of feeling. It either becomes like brother/sister type or undesirable kind. My friend has developed a close friendship with her coll while HB was overseas for training. Somethg happened and they are divorced now. It is just an isolated example , so dun use this to make any decision.

Your friend shld communicate to her HB how uncomfortable she feel abt this r/s. As a wife, she shld trust him, as a HB, his basic duty is to make her feel comfortable. Be it introduce the gal to your friend or simply cut down on meeting her or watever make her feel better..
 
Wat2do,
How does your friend know they walk each other out of office and msn daily etc? She tails her hubby and peeps at his msn's log daily?
 

lost_galz

New Member
When a male and female spend too much time together, things may move towards the wrong direction easily. Maybe it will be good for the wife to talk/spend more time with husband. e.g. meet up husband after work/at his office lobby ocassionally. This at least reminds the guy that he has a wife at home.

To find out more, wife can get to know husband's colleagues thru company events. Usually woman instinct is pretty accurate. thru the meeting, wife shld be able to know if there's anything between them or if the girl has fallen for the guy. Sometimes, they could be just friends who really get along v well. Who knows.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Jealousy, insecurity etc are parts and parcel of one's emotions. As a couple, learn to manage it together. Nothing really right or correct for either party to point out things that makes them uncomfortable. We communicate and feedback. Not force them down the throats as some rules.

Main thing is, handle it like mature adults. Not as childish teenagers. Respect each other. They is no need to control each other basing simply on one's instinct. How would u like to be controlled and somehow untrusted simply because of 'instinct'?

The thing about negative feelings, its a vicious cycle. If your relationship is dwelling too much in the negative, try to work towards the positive. If we see our partners negatively, everything that he or she does, we will see them in a bad and suspicious light. Often, the issues aren't with emotions but how we deal with the emotions. Emotions is completely human. How we manage them requires a lot of understanding, respect and consistency.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
One thing to add.
Many times, the lady would want to confront guy. No one likes to be in a confrontation. Rather, make it a constant reflection. Both individually and as a couple together. We can be great teachers for ourselves we only we reflect more and confront less. A reflection is a self initiative to grow and improve. A confrontation is aggressive and provoking. The instinctive reflex is simply defense. Some by counter attacking while others by shutting down. Either way, its screwing up the communication.
 

wat2do

New Member
I think the husband told my fren about the gal during some casual talks together. And she got to know that they meet and walk out of the company together cos there was once her husband msn my fren wrongly (the msg was supposed to be for the girl, but sent wrongly to my fren), then my fren asked him about that.

So far, my fren still trusts that her husband has nothing with the girl, but she just worried that since they're so close and the girl rely on her husband so much, it's very hard to guarantee in future, nothing more will develop between them. Not sure if my fren has told her husband on how she feels loh.

Personally I think the same way as my fren, cos nowadays, so many of such cases of young gals being the 3rd party, bla bla bla. The colleague of the husband is so young (thus generally immatured) and it's like so dependent on him, if they continue to be so close, I think it's really dangerous loh.

I don't really dare to tell my fren how I think, cos guess this would only add on to her anxiety. Maybe like what Milo say, should ask her to communicate with the husband on this, but will ask her not to 'confront'. I hope she would be able to talk to her husband nicely about this...
 

vios

New Member
The main thing is her mindset. No matter what the hubby does - assures her and all - if threadstarter's friend is one of those paraniod and insecure women, it is plain inevitable that something may happen anyway.

So, i second Green. Would like the threadstarter to reply on her friend's behalf before i write further.
 

wat2do

New Member
No lah... my fren couldnt track her husband's msn log, cos they all msn in office only. The husband is usually quite free in office, and always msn people. By the way, that's how my fren and husband got together. I believe that's why she is so worried that feelings will develop the same way between the coll and him.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Ask your friend not to speculate and not to worry too much. Speak about her concern in a non-threatening way to her hb about how she is not so comfortable with the hb being so close to the colleague.

Or as someone has suggested, meet the hb more often after work - then can walk with hb out of the office.

A guy/gal having lunch or MSN or walking out of office together means nothing. Of course we can't say that long term association won't bring about something - the best guard against this is not confrontation but rather true honest sharing of our feelings and fears. Yes, girls are more sensitive and insecure - and a loving hb will also take this into account and not let the wife worry too much.
 

vios

New Member
OK... the reply was quicker than expected... am i Matt Parkman in the making? :p

As accordingly, ur friend tends to use an example from the history books and paint it across her life.... even when her hubby openly mentioned abt her. That shows, his trust in ur friend's trust in him.

Meet and walk out of office together is suspicious? Or, Did he write in msn that they shouldn't hold hands and kiss in public?

Like that, i'll be in deep shit cos' i sometimes send female colleagues to nearby mrt stations - leaving office together.
And, There will always be younger gals since ur hubby will age year by year.... so looks like, your friend would most def stay paranoid on his prospect of 'meeting younger women'.

It's like, in a typical company whereby a salesperson uses a stupid, lousy but tested method to get sales and expectedly, flop. He then blame the method, blame the testers, blame the customers and blame every factor but himself.

It's your friend's mindset, indeed.
 

wat2do

New Member
Actually my fren is not really getting suspicious of her husband. I think she's more worried of feelings will develop between them in future, if it conitnues that way, or she's worried that the colleague has feelings for the husband (though she believes her husband still do not have special feelings for the girl YET). Cos it's like, everyday, even they're not going same busstop, just meet and walk out of the office, like that also shuang? But honestly, could there be really pure frenship between a guy and a girl?

I'm chatting with my fren now... she say she dont dare/want to really tell her husband abt how she feel, cos her husband will only say that she's paranoid, and thinks that my fren is over worried and sensative.
 

laundry_woes

New Member
Ok, I suppose I should make myself clearer.

While I dun deny something possibly happening when a male and female spend too much time together, I dun feel it is the spouse's prerogative to freak out and start controlling. So ya, ur fren should voice out her concerns but frankly, tat's all she can do. Trust is still the key. If it happens, it happens. She married the wrong partner.
 

vios

New Member
Which is the greater evil of the two? Suspicious or Paranoid? I will say, similar emotions in terms of negativity.

Before she starts to do something unwarranted like checking hp for sms-es and all those, i guess the first step is to share her thoughts with her hubby.
Of course, shld be done in a relaxed manner and not an interrogation.

And, if they do talk abt it and she feels better only for a while, the same thing happens again.
 

vios

New Member
There are surely buddy-buddy friendships between two sexes. And abt it being Pure? Yup, it may not be a surety for everyone, as some might bed each other.
But actually, liking a friend is entirely possible. But ask urself first, why talk like it won't happen at all?

So to you, What is vital? Ur friend can trust her hubby to be really faithful, or the talk abt 'young gals stealing others' hubby'?
 

simpleman

Active Member
No.. No point hiding and trying to find out.

Why worry about sharing thoughts with HB.. it is a genuine feeling of her, her fears and she should not hide it from HB.. the way she put it cannot be confrontational or overly paranoid.. just her feelings.

And if indeed the HB and the girl has something going on - it will sets the HB thinking. Of course in all likelihood the HB will dismiss her as being paranoid..

laundry,

I beg to differ from what you have painted. Marrying is not all about fate and marrying the wrong partner. There are instances in which things can be rescued or stopped before it gets worse. Couple should share their innermost thoughts and fears or even sometimes paranoia .. but not digging around. Constant communication will keep the relationship going and I won't say it WILL prevent affairs but definitely if it ended in affairs, it is not through lack of trying or communication.

You can look at it 2 ways. Walking out with colleague from office everyday is NOTHING. But on the other hand is it necessary to walk out with the same colleague EVERY SINGLE day.
 

thermos

New Member
I don't think your friend should confront or talk to the HB about her fears - because the HB will definitely dismiss that as paranoia. Also HB will start to think wife dun trust him and might lead him to confide more to the younger gal - more dangerous right? I agree that over long period of time, feelings might develop between guy & gal.

Instead your frd should continue to act the happy wife, BUT take additional steps to discreetly remind HB of her existence : Meet HB after work near his workplace make sure she appear with HB often for the younger gal to see, occasionally join in MSN with HB during office hrs. The whole point to just don't let the other gal dominate the scene. Continue to act happy.
 

laundry_woes

New Member
Give u face ah. Rushing out for meeting liao but replying more impt. Heh.

Who said anything abt fate? Marrying is a calculated risk. No doubt things may change along the way, but if u take more chances in choosing a life partner who is more sociable, u'll hv to face the current scenario now, won't u? To me, the stopping and rescuing part will be in voicing out ur concerns to ur partner. Shldn't cross tat line into paranoia.

I walk out wif my colleague everyday from office. It's a good 10 mins' walk. She juz happens to be a female. I'd prob do the same if my colleague was a male.

Actually, I think we're going along the same lines. Me in a cynical sort of way & u giving the benefit of the doubt. :p
 

wat2do

New Member
Hmm you see ah, normally, or in fact, girls and girls always do that, they not only just wait for each other and walk out of the office together, they even go toilet together, do everything together. But that is something that usually between girls and girls. Guys normally will find it wierd and wu liao when they see girls doing that right?
 

flyingstar

New Member
To me, there's nothing fishy, at least everything is kept to during office hours, not incessant phone calls and SMS-es. But since your friend is worried, then yup, make an effort to meet the husband after work, get to know his colleagues, ask him about his day.

I always do that so that my bf can give me anecdotes about his office people, and I rougly know who are the characters in his office also.

The fact that the husband can tell the wife that he does that, shows that he has nothing to hide. Your friend can take note, but don't over-worry. Sometimes it might backfire.
 

hungrydog

New Member
wat2do..haha..you are right..but walking with colls out of office still ok lah..

Think your friend shouldn't try to guess what what r/s hb and the gal have, it will really going to make her become paranoid. Just talk to him nicely and let him understand her concerns. When she married him, they already intend to share everything in their life, why not share her feeling with him? If she drag on for longer time, it will affect the marriage..
 

mayimayi

New Member
Isnt it tiring to act happy? Muz be happy from the bottom of the heart right? If she finds it awkward and uncomfortable with the hubby clicking with the girl, then just have a talk with him?

To me, i dun find anything fishy going on too. I walk to the train station with my colleague on an almost daily basis, and we are of the opposite gender. We just chat and gossip while heading the same way as we knock off at the same time.

If there is anything fishy going on, they wouldnt be going to the bus stop / train station together right? They should be always going out together instead of heading home separately after that.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
She is paranoid but doesn't want to admit it. How to manage these emotions if you choose to hide. Your partner should be someone you can share with. You don't hide everything and then worry.

The only way her husband can learn to be sensitive with her emotions is through feedback and communication. Everyone has such feelings to different extend. Keeping them under the carpet DOESN'T CHANGE anything about it. She is still worried sick and getting worse in the vicious cycle.
 

simpleman

Active Member
laundry,

It is just the way you put it. "If it happens it happens. She married the wrong partner"

I like to think that it is not just simply marrying the wrong partner, but we keep a relationship going with a partner we have chosen.

Ya. I think you are a bit cynical still..
 

vios

New Member
Thermos, sorry to say this but ur method is like watching "Infernal Affairs IV - The Flop".

Act happy and be dominant infront of other gals? Wah kao... i think it will backfire even more. It is such a turn-off to find my wife having to turn up regularly at my office and in my msn chats, just to get her presence shown....

and you wouldn't want to think that most guys can't realise that.
 

wat2do

New Member
Haiz... actually if I was her, I would be worried also, but other than being worried and talk to husband, nothing much can be done.

She choose not to talk to her husband on it, is becos she is worried that the husband will think she's just being paranoid, and she's scared that once she told him, the husband will not tell her anymore about the colleague, in order to stop my fren from worrying. And in turn, worse, she wont be able to know what's going on between the husband n coll anymore.

Gosh... it's so complicated... do this cannot, do that also cannot...
 

simpleman

Active Member
your friend is worrying too much.. just talk to hb nicely just to share her thoughts and feelings.. don't have to be confrontational .

HB don't tell her, isn't it better.. Or even hb told her no long walk out with colleague.. will she believe?

I bet she won't believe.. .. so u see, the problem is with her..

Not complicated at all. She made it complicated - that is all
 

two_piece

Member
Wa you see... it's so sad rite... if the wife pops up at hb's office and msn from time to time, hb will think the wife is too sticky and irritating. But if it happens to be other gals who do tat, bet tat guys are ok with it rite, vios? :p
 

vios

New Member
"Hmm you see ah, normally, or in fact, girls and girls always do that, they not only just wait for each other and walk out of the office together, they even go toilet together, do everything together. But that is something that usually between girls and girls. Guys normally will find it wierd and wu liao when they see girls doing that right?"

- Huh..... what gotta do with the toilet-bonding thingy? It's different lah. Anyway, not all Guys are lone-rangers.... even we dun bond during pee-time, it doesn't mean that we won't bond after ofc hrs. So it's normal to walk out of ofc with male colleagues, or female colleagues in this instance.
 

simpleman

Active Member
I am actually Ok that wife pops up once a while to meet hb after work.. quite normal and also to know his colleague..

Of course not everyday lah..
 

vios

New Member
two_piece, it's the Intention behind the ofc and msn visits, that i'm highlighting on the turn-off factor.

For me, it's a sneaky and unpleasant behaviour, and i believe most guys will be able to differentiate this from the geniune reasons.
 

mayimayi

New Member
"she wont be able to know what's going on between the husband n coll anymore."

i am curious... what does she want to know? 0_o
If there is nothing going on, there is nothing special she will know. If something is going on, the hubby will tell her meh? 0_o
So she already has this mindset that something is definitely going on, thats why she is so worried???

Dont you think it is annoying and a waste of time to worry about something that might not even exist in the first place?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
i agree...
all the sneaky, pretend pretend, small actions. These are big turn offs for me. I do not enjoy mixing with company of people that is consciously having agenda in every little things they do. Such pretentious behavior.

What's so difficult to acknowledge that she is being paranoid. This is no sin. It is a feeling. Just as how anyone would voice out their anger when offended. If you cannot even communicate with your partner on how you feel without being put down, then reflect over why u marry this man in the 1st place.
 

two_piece

Member
hee... okok... but if let's say the wife is working somewhere near you, you both can actually meet somewhere and go home together, but the wife choose to make the effort to walk to your office and meet u downstairs. Her intention is not really to show her presence, but she just want to be sweet to you. Will you like it? Or will u all still think she's too sticky?
 

vios

New Member
If she's really sweet, i can tell she's not the sticky wrapper... but the lovely contents. For sure, I am fine with that.

You asked, becos ur bf/hubby KPKB arh?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi 2 piece,

while its sweet, I would tell her not to do that if its out of the way. Simply because it is not practical for her to do so. And I would feel bad letting her do all the walking and waiting.

In fact, I would offer to meet her somewhere more convenient for the both of us. Again, its about being practical. Its nice to be sweet, but we do them with common sense. Occasionally, it would be nice that we go the extra mile. But not everytime. It becomes a chore and kills the joy of it all.

Personally, I fetch my wife daily, we have been synchronizing our timings when possible and convenient to go back together since dating days. But, we don't intentionally go to each other office to meet. Its simply too impractical to do that. We have flexible arrangements daily without going to crazy extend of die die must meet and go back together.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Two Piece, some guys will like such attentiveness while others don't. Some may even like it in the beginning but out-grow it later. Depends on individuals.

The rule - whatever you do, do it in moderation - applies. Else when it becomes part of the routine, what is the point?
 

two_piece

Member
haha no la... i'm just asking cos i think generally guys will think tis way ba... me myself very seldom pops up at my hb's office, most of the time it's him who walks to my office, but sometimes will think whether i shld do tat or not loh. i know once in a while he'll sure like it, but if it do it often, not sure will he feel annoyed or not ma :p
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Frankly, unlike gals, most guys don't really find that so sweet. He would find it sweeter if she would message him after a long hard day.

What is sweet to a gal may not be for a guy. I never like to make someone wait for me. So, coming down to wait for me daily is giving me daily pressure. The 'sweetness' of it all is soured by the pressure I will get from it. Generally speaking, from gals I know, they are generally OK in letting guys wait for them but very impatient when their guys are late. This has to do with gender traits. Guys are natural hunters... they can wait patiently for the perfect opportunity to attack their prey. As long as its align with his goal, he can play the waiting game well.
 

vios

New Member
two_piece,

im not sure if he will appreciate as much as you expect him to be, considering that he has been doing it mostly...
 

laundry_woes

New Member
Back.

Ok, reread my post. Mebbe I shouldn't use "wrong partner". Wat I meant was tat it is impossible to affair-proof a marriage. It takes both parties to protect the santuary of ur marriage. If u hv already done ur part in expressing ur concerns (within reasonable limits) & ur partner still strays, then u need to question the basis or ur relationship. At least I wld.

I'm not a bit cynical. I'm A LOT cynical. Ask Powder. :p Wanna try counselling me?
 

simpleman

Active Member
ya.. i think you need counselling.. and a lot of ice-cream and alcohol

One failed marriage doesnt mean a thing..
 

laundry_woes

New Member
Fwah. Ur counselling sounds good sia. Does it come wif fwee holidays as well? Can cure me faster one leh.
happy.gif

Aiyah, it cld juz be tat I hv yet to meet anyone tat I'm willing to take a chance wif again lah.
 

simpleman

Active Member
"Aiyah, it cld juz be tat I hv yet to meet anyone tat I'm willing to take a chance wif again lah."

True. But for a start, cannot be too cynical. else the guys will run far far away from you
 

laundry_woes

New Member
If the guy is so easily scared away, then he won't be the one tat I'm looking for liao. More challenges to come.

Eh, return to where we belong leh. People not talking abt me here.
 


We CANNOT control other gals from falling in love with our hubby. As long as the hubby is committed to the marriage, we should trust him to reject all his suitors.

Yap I also agree with the other forumers that wat2do's friend is worrying too much. There're bound to be opposite gender around us. The only way to remove ALL risks is to cage her hubby up at home hehe. ;)
 

Top