Is this a normal marriage?

[verysadguy]

My wife and I have been staying together but ever since the death of my father-in-law 4 months ago, she starts to stay in her mum's place and came back during the weekends.

As she is the only child, initially, I think it is good for her to stay in her mum's place to take care of her. However, after some time, I realised that it does not seem to be normal. She seems to have grew more attached to her mum than me and she would say she would miss her mum everytime when she is back home.

I know parents are important. Besides, she is unemployed at the moment and I am working from Mon to Fri. Thinking that she would be alone at home, I thought it is a good idea for her to stay with her mum from Mon - Fri as long as her heart is still with our home and me. For me, I do not mind staying at home alone as I am used to it when I was staying in hostel in the University. Sometimes, I even like the feeling of been alone as I would not need to cook for her, wash the dishes and her clothes.

As time goes on, it seems to me that it is not a good idea for her to stay in her mum's place for extended period. Sometimes, she would only come back home after 2 weeks as she claims that she is sick. Of course, I obliged as I do not want her to move here and there especially when she is sick. Requesting her mum to stay with us is not an option as her mum does not want to and I respect her decision. Moving to her house is not an option as all my work things are in my home. Moving house to somewhere near her is also not an option as our house is still under the MOP.

I seriously don't know what to do. I thought that in a marriage, the husband and wife should stay together to build up the relationship. If both of them are in different places, how to build up a strong relationship? Of course, I did bring up this matter to her but she claims that I am selfish. I also know that there are some couples whose husband is working overseas and so both of them are physically separated but that is because the husband is required to work overseas. In my case, none of us are overseas.

I thought only couples that are separated or divorced should stay in different places? We are married for 3 years. Are there couples here who stay in different places? I just want to get some assurance that there are such cases around as I cannot find any information on what makes up a normal marriage. Is there even such thing as a normal marriage?

 

[infojunkie]

if u hv to ask what makes a marriage "normal", u probably don't hv it

sad, i can see u're very very unhappy... if u wanna be happy, u will hv to start doing things that make u happy.

and that includes ending ur marriage if u find no bliss in it.

u've been suffering since day 1 oredi, no?

 

[verysadguy]

I feel happy when I go to my parents' place but since I am already married, I don't think it is right to stay at my parents' place. Besides, I have my own house.

I cannot tell my wife to stay with me as it appears that I am selfish. I know parents are important and that's why I encourage her to stay at her mum's place for the time being after the passing away of my father-in-law. I can see that my mum-in-law is sad on the demise of her husband. My in-laws has been married for about 30 years.

I did think about ending the marriage but it would be unfair to her. If I put myself in her shoes, I think I would be sad as well if my father passes away and my wife decides to end the marriage.

I don't know if we are considered in a stable relationship or an unstable one. I don't have much options.

1. End the marriage - Unfair to her
2. Just take it as it is - Seems like the better option but I would have to be unhappy.
3. Force her to stay with me - Unfair to both her and her mum
4. Just wait for her to think through what she wants - I don't know how long it would take.

 

[infojunkie]

i think ur marriage is stable but boring and u're depressingly rigid.

 

[infojunkie]

take option 2 if u're ok feeling unhappy.

 

[guest28]

hi verysadguy

try to spend more quality / private times with ur wife to improve your husband/wife relationship during weekdays . Monitor & see if she change her mind or not.

 

[pink_sapphire]

Perhaps u can hav a heart to heart talk with your wife .. Try to find out the root cause , is something bothering her that is why she is keeping the distance and not coming home or is it just only cos she wants to spend more time to accompany her mum . U need to confirm the real problem first before deciding how to solve it

 

[verysadguy]

That's what I did. She claims that she wants to spend more time with her mum.

 

[pink_sapphire]

either thats really the reason and she is just being a filial daughter or she is not truthful in letting u know her displeasures.

base on what u know of her, do u think thats the reason or there is another reason ?

 

[pink_sapphire]

maybe her health is really not too gd... whatever the reason when speaking abt the issue with your wife be tactful with words when dealing with situation where her mum is involved

 

[verysadguy]

If she intends to hide her displeasure, I guess I would not know as well, but I have told her to let me know if she is not happy about anything. She has always been a filial daughter but is that a good reason for not staying with her husband and only comes back during the weekends?

 

[pink_sapphire]

HOw about u going over to her mum's place on wkends to accompany both your wife and her mum ?
then she can always be by the side of her mum and you can also be with her and provide support through this dark period (since her dad jus passed away)

 

[pink_sapphire]

agree that a couple should try to be together everyday and throught thick and thin.

everytime when I am down, I will try to find security or support from my husband. I feel much better or safer when he is around to console me...
thus, perhaps u wanna be there too to support your wife through her dark times esp now that she is not working and her dad jus passed away she might need a lot of your support

 

[pink_sapphire]

let her feel that u r there when she needs u...
but of course that means that u hav to be around her.. thus if she doesnt come to u then perhaps u might wanna go to her instead. How abt taking a few days off and be with her

 

[verysadguy]

During weekends, I would normally go over to fetch her back home but she would go back on Tuesday morning. Her mum does not want her to stay over the weekend, unless she is sick. So every week, I am only with her on Sat afternoon, Sun whole day and Mon evening since I am working but shouldn't a normal marriage be that both the husband and wife are together everyday?

Taking off is fine but every year, I only have 14 days of leave. After that, I would have to go back to work.

 

[cuclainne]

i love my mom a lot too but the only times i stayed overnight at her after marriage is when the husband goes overseas for work trips and I don't like staying home by myself (yes, even though i have the children to keep me company!).

that said, i do talk to her a lot on the phone daily and visit her at least once-twice a week for dinner. my mother occasionally comes and spend weekends at my place but haven't been able to lately because of her bad back.

have a talk with her and find out why she preferred staying at her mom's (perhaps because of the company?) rather than at home with you. does she have any brothers or sisters? perhaps she's worried about her mom being left alone?

 

[simpleman]

My only advice is to "support your wife" - trying to spend time with her - even at her mum's house. You seem to "lose the connection" and you have to get it back.

Yes, yours may not seem to be a "normal marriage".. But given the circumstances, I don't think it is really abnormal.

If you really love your wife, try to put yourself in her shoes.. try to spend more time with her, supporting her, trying to understand.. and trying to let her know how you are feeling. If she really loves you, she should be able to feel it.

This arrangement should be temporary. Just taking it as a "trying and testing" period. Unless of course it drags on for years.. naturally being apart for years will strain the relationship.. and if the relationship cannot sustain, it will break, leading to divorce .. it is natural and not whether it is fair to all or not.

 

[infojunkie]

come on sad, stop beating ard the bush will u?

u hv been sitting on the fence for 2 long yrs oredi, how much longer can u afford to wait?

1st u doubted her sanity...

then u said u want to hv kids but she doesn't.

when ppl probed further u gone awol again only to resurface 6 mths later with this post: http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1824447.html?1323500176#POST4673861

and now u're telling us she's not home and u can't dump her cos it's not fair...

tell me liddat how to be happy?

 

[pink_sapphire]

verysadguy, after taking a look at junkie's link to your previous thread comment, I hope u managed to consumate your marriage... else maybe that's the reason for your wife's behaviour ?

 

[verysadguy]

Nope. She does not want to consumate the marriage and btw, junkie, I am not doubting her sanity. She is on treatment in IMH now.

There are people who says that couples should stick together whatever may come. Yes, I am not happy but I am still trying to keep the marriage as her father just passes away 4 months ago.

 

[susanna_low]

y nt u rent out ur current flat n stay at her mum's plc instead?

 

[infojunkie]

skip dinner huh?

didn't u say "9.30pm starts eating dinner"?

真是被你打败了说。。。

 

[verysadguy]

The flat is still under MOP so it is illegal to rent it out. Besides, her mum does not want her to stay with her everyday. It is my wife who want to stay wth her as she is worried.

 

[verysadguy]

junkie, things changed. The 9.30pm starts dinner is in the past. Now, we are no more having dinner together as she is staying with her mum and I reached home much later now.

 

[infojunkie]

but today monday leh...

"So every week, I am only with her on Sat afternoon, Sun whole day and Mon evening since I am working but shouldn't a normal marriage be that both the husband and wife are together everyday?"

 

[verysadguy]

I have also written

"Sometimes, she would only come back home after 2 weeks as she claims that she is sick. Of course, I obliged as I do not want her to move here and there especially when she is sick."

She says that she is sick so she is not at home today.

 

[infojunkie]

then now damn free loh?

oh yah... u still got laundry to do

 

[verysadguy]

I only do laundry on Tue and Thu. Too few clothes cannot put into washing machine and it would be very tiring as I am doing hand washed.

 

[infojunkie]

got nothing to do lah?

the nite is so young and yet ur wife not home wif u

 

[verysadguy]

Yes. I do feel sad. Nothing to do now, except surfing the net, watch TV and do my own stock analysis. Oops, this thread is becoming an IM thread. I think I better stop now.

 

[infojunkie]

awol again...

 

[verysadguy]

You are worried that I AWOL? Hmmm...Anyway, I don't come here that often. There are a lot of sad stories over here. I do read, but I don't reply.

There are those who reply that you are bad, you are not good and I do not want it to affect my life. It can go on and on without anyone wishing to stop and I think it would be a better idea to just let the thread dies down instead of fanning the flame.

 

[infojunkie]

dun leave leh...

i believe there r folks here who can help

 

[clearskies]

Would your wife be happier being single? Her actions seem to show that singlehood is what she wants and needs. I can understand her worries for her mum, but not her other actions.

 

[yesno333]

Ya..there are people out there who are not actually suitable for marriage life...maybe ur wife is one of them....if so divorce is definitely a better option....

 

[infojunkie]

"Would your wife be happier being single?"

well in fact she's one oredi...

she's a married single, co-owning a flat with a wonderful housemate who's oso single but married, living a life without 1) the hassle of doing house chores cos housemate can take care of it and 2) the need for sexual well-being cos housemate can take care of himself.

 

[miloice]

"She is on treatment in IMH now."

She clearly isn't able to rationalize normally in a confused state. verysadguy, she needs support and understanding at this point. However, there is no right or wrong. You have to be realistic about your situation. If you are not able to be there for her, then don't drag on. Time waits for no man. Often, there isn't perfect situations with perfection solutions.

IF you decided to continue be supportive, then u need to do it with conviction, its probably not easy. Family support is key to recover from any psychological conditions.

 

[pink_sapphire]

think if a marriage is not consumated it is er.. not very normal
even in the marriage rule can file for annulment under this condition so er.. its not a very normal marriage

 

[cococherry]

Do u love her? Or staying in this marriage because moral conscience urges u to stay.
Is the marriage normal before his death?

 

[infojunkie]

they married for the sake of gettin married... both of them.

and sad, if that's all u want, at least get somone else who can function for that purpose.

'your' wife is below par... and u know that all along.

 

[verysadguy]

chocolatte,

How do you define love? The marriage is more normal before his death. At least, we are staying in the same house eveyday.

 

[infojunkie]

"At least, we are staying in the same house eveyday"

wouldn't it be nice to be without her if she's the source of all misery?

"Were you to cross the world, my dear,
To work or love or fight,
I could be calm and wistful here,
And close my eyes at night.

It were a sweet and gallant pain
To be a sea apart;
But, oh, to have you down the lane
Is bitter to my heart."

~ Dorothy Parker

 

[miloice]

So its normal to have a room mate and assume its your spouse? Think again.

Why did you guys marry, how was the relationship and communication all these while.

 

[infojunkie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_YbvJp-t3Q

 

[verysadguy]

Sometimes I do think that she is more like a room mate than a wife but when I expressed my concerns to her, she keeps on saying that she still loves me and if she does not, she would have left long time ago but her actions are quite contradicting to what she says.

 

[yesno333]

Then just walk out of the marriage rather then whine here...not going to help much whining and complaining here....u are a man not a pussy...

 

[cococherry]

I'm just wondering how can be it normal without consummation when u said it's normal before his death, 3yrs is a long period. most Normal couples would have done the deed shortly after wedding. What her reason for not wanting to have sex prior to her father's death?

 

[verysadguy]

No reasons given. She just say it's dirty??

 

[guest28]

It is definitely not normal for a couple not to consummate their marriage, morever is 3 yrs. Don't forget sex plays an important role in marriage. Maybe it is time for u to consider whether u shld continue this marriage or to move on from here.