Is it gone?

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snow_tea

New Member
My bf's job require him to work shift. Initially he was supposed to be off on Xmas eve and I tot we could spent the evening together. Then last min, he told me that he had to work that day. Although I was a bit disappointed, I just said work is more impt.

He worked night shift so on Xmas day around 5 plus, he should have finished work, so i deliberately called him to see where is he, but he did not answer my call. Getting a little worried, I started to suspect him, so I went to check his email and found out that he had booked tickets for 2 on Xmas eve. I confronted him and he say it's bcos if he told me that he was going out with his friend, I surely wouldn't let him. But he insisted that he did not do anything wrong. He only went out with his guy friends.

But I really dunno if he really went out with a guy or gal. I am going to sign the agreement of lease with HDB in early Jan and I'm contemplating postponing and think it over first. When i send him a sms to ask can we postpone the signing, he just replied: "Up to you loh"

This sms somehow tell me that he doesn't treasure me anymore. But he still insisted that he loves me.

This matter affected my work as I do not have the mood and I even cried during work. My colleague said to me: If we are still in love with each other, then forget the past, but if he loves me only, then can forget about it le. I am still in love with him and I find it hard to break off with him as I had been in love with this guy since I was 14.

I really dunno what to do... Why can't he be truthful to me like I did to him? I also do have admirers but I always give them hints saying how good my bf is in order to let them move on with their lives but now my bf is doing this to me... I felt that he wasted many years of my life...
 


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thermos

New Member
it does seem strange that he doesn't tell u of the trip with his guy friends. but since you treasure this relationship, maybe u need to talk to him again. u can tell him u feel sad that he didn't tell u of the trip and can assure him that even if he chooses to go out with his guy friends u won't object. i guess approaching in this manner he'll feel less threatened and more willing ro tell u the truth. I mean this will be better than u guessing what happened and getting updet over the wasted years right.
 
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pawzbear

New Member
hi,

its unfair that you said he wasted many years of your life, because he too is with you for as long as you are with him. i think its really unnecessary to fault anyone. i think my guy will feel honoured when i tell him there that are people after me. cos it meant that i still have the "mkt value" and am not being valued as "fair value" once a guy knows that you are attached. unless faced with fierce competition, i don't think guys will take it to heart and sees it as a challenge. they probably aren't as sensitive to such things as gals.

i think its a matter of trusting him again after you found out that he lied to you. in a r/ship, after being together for too long, we tend to take each other for granted. and when quarrelling, one might may begin to question if being together is a right choice from the start, then the start of regrets and the recollections of "bad" things the other party had done before.

personally, i feel that if you still love him, forget abt what happened during xmas eve, and never bring it up again. if you still love him but have reservations of his truthfulness, probably can adopt a wait and see attitude. observe him for a longer period of time before committing further.
 
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susanna_low

New Member
Tickets for 2? Is it movie or concert? How come this couldn't be seen with you?
Somemore couldn't it be seen on other day instead of xmas eve? Doesn't his guy friends need to accompany their love ones and why couldn't he ask you along? It really sounds fishy but do give him the benefit of doubt.

If he cant be honest enough on such issues, there might be problem down the way.

Like bear, I agreed that u observe for a period before signing the papers
 
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septh

New Member
I think that the key thing here is the "xmas eve". I feel that if a guy sincerely wants to settle down with you, he'll want to spend his xmas eve with you knowing that he's working on xmas day. Why'd he wanna lie to you and go out with his guy friend?

2 guys going out on xmas eve? Maybe his guy friend just got ditched and needs some comforting?
 
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snow_tea

New Member
I have confronted him. I asked him if he still love me and wan to be with me for the rest of our lives.

He gave me a reply saying he dunno. I'm really heartbroken when i heard this cos dunno means no and he said dunno bcos he doesn't want to hurt me but he did not know that his reply had already broken my heart.

So I guess this r/s is gone. But I dunno what is holding him back from breaking up with me...
 
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green_tranquility

New Member
If the couple has conflicts every month, then every month pay PI to check meh?

It's better for the couple to learn how to resolve the conflicts by themselves. If the guy discovers that the gf hires PI to trace him, he may even get angry & dump the gf rightaway.
 
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snow_tea

New Member
Ya, I am the 50% too. Therefore i decided to take the gamble and continue the r/s with him but I am still unsure when he will break up with me.

Maybe he felt that I am his responsibility so even if he don love me anymore, he will still take care of me... But I really love him a lot...
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi snow tea,

loving and marrying someone is 2 different things. Yes, u love him alot. But, u r talking about your future here. Not your past. You have spent 14 yrs. Do you want to spend your rest of your life with a man that probably doesn't love u anymore. He isn't even sure about your future together.

I know its tough to let go. Its never easy. Offering advises is definitely easier than executing them. But, things doesn't change simply because u r so emotional about it. If there isn't a future, no matter what kind of sacrifices u endure, the outcome doesn't change. taking 1 day or 20 yrs to realize that isn't going change things loh.

Ask yourself, do u want to possess him only physically with him in the relationship out of responsibility rather than love? These are the questions you need to ask yourself before u make a decision.
 
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mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi snow tea,

If you are really sure you wanted to marry your boyfriend, there is a sure-proof way.

Break up with him just like Vivian Chow did with his boyfriend of 19 years. A clean break up, no contacts or e-mail, nothing at all.

After the break up or cooling period, Vivian Chow's boyfriend miss her and personally went to her house to propose. Now they are happily preparing their wedding.

This will only work if your boyfriend really loves you and miss having you by his side.

No harm trying since your boyfriend already told you that he doesn't know whether he loves you or not. If he miss you, he will propose to you since you have been together for so many years.

Time to go to the next stage of life. Jia You!
 
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mum_of_2_girls

New Member
I mean the traditional chinese ceremony for marriage where all the parents, relatives and friends will attend and give their blessings.

I think this recognition is quite important for the chinese.
 
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giantemu

New Member
I think its best to put off the signing of the flat for starters. No point saddling yourself with the flat (in light of the unstable relationship and for practical reasons - the economy now).

Have a heart to heart talk with him. He is choosing the easy way out by saying don't know- what he mean don't know? Its either he love you or he feels the love is over. If the latter, then bite the bullet and move on. its painful yes, it hurts, yes. But it is definitely better than forcing him and you going down the aisle and later regret and file for divorce and be saddled with the HDB flats and how to split the assets.

I used to say I don't know too...thinking that it gives the impression that I am really pained to make the decision and wanting to hold back telling the negative news. But hey, if he is sure of the relationship, why he say I don't know? Its because he is negative that he says he don't know.
 
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snow_tea

New Member
Hi, thank you very much for all the advices. I had postpone the signing of agreement to a later date.

Yesterday we talked for a while too. And i asked him has his love for me changed, again, he said he do not wish to think of anything else. I told him i also can feel something like his love for me is not the same, but he just smiled.

I told him to tell me the decision fast but he say no need to think about the future so soon. It doesn't matters if my future has him anot bcos my future will still be there.

I think this is a kind of hint...
 
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koikoi

New Member
snow tea, he has clearly dropped you the hint...
but he did not give you a straight answer as he's also not sure if he made the right choice...

he is making another way out so that he's not at fault for breaking up with you...

you have to think for yourself more...
earth is still round with or without him...
Only you yourself know what you want.
Time waits for no man...
Be strong and I'm sure there's a better one around you other than him...
 
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giantemu

New Member
I think you should begin to have mentally prep yourself regarding the outcome. If there is a waiver of belief (i.e. unsure) - then it cannot be good.
 
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snow_tea

New Member
But i really don't understand how a love can change so fast if there isn't any 3rd party.

I can still remember vividly how he said he love me very much one month ago... There isn't any signs prior to this, it's only after Xmas eve, then all the signs start to come in... I'm really very sad now. He's right beside me but sleeping now. However i feel that he is so far away from me... Really feel like crying...
 
D

danieru

New Member
Unfortunately, people change, things change. And these can happen without prior signs or warning. We tend to think that with sign we might feel 'more prepared'. But even if there were signs, it wouldn't change the outcome nor make us feel any better.

I guess at the end of the day, it is true, to some extent, that we should not build our happiness based on someone or something. I know it's easier said than done, but I think we need to try.

I guess you need to look into yourself and decide what you want to do. If you are resolute enough and believe you'd be better off without him with all that you already heard, then make the choice. If you're still undecided then wait and see, but be prepared and accept what may or may not come and don't think that you have wasted time, but that at least you tried the best you could.
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
This is not a hint. Its an answer.

"no need to think about the future so soon. It doesn't matters if my future has him anot bcos my future will still be there".

In the nutshell, he doesn't and want nor ready to commit on a future with u. So, u can forget about the idea of getting a flat nor marriage.
 
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snow_tea

New Member
Really thanks for all your advices...

I think I want to continue to be stupid and stay with him til he makes his choice. I know I will cry at the end of the day, but at least i tried to salavge this relationship before and will have no regrets.

If he really breaks up with me, then true enough, my life will still go on and my future will still be there but without HIM...

Once again, thank you very much for all the advices...
 
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cho

New Member
hi snow tea, a fren juz fwd tis to me.. which i found to be q true.. (warning: it's a wall of text) hope it might give u some encouragement.. jiayou!

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snow_tea

New Member
I broke up with my bf already. We both had a heart to heart talk, he said that he is being half-hearted in this r/s already cos we have been together for too long and it's the same old routine everyday.

I don hate him, at least he's honest with me before we signed the agreement for the flat. After we broke up, we went to have a day's fun at Science Centre, a place we always wanted to go when we were still together. Never did I tot that only after we break up then there is a chance to go...

He sent me home, and before that we chatted for a while and both of us cried as we are still reluctant to let go as we had been together for almost 7 years. At least, he cried, that's considered a comfort to me... But as i had gotten half a day leave for the day we are scheduled to sign the agreement, we promised to sing Karaoke since i have half a day leave that day and he had that day off too...

A brand new start in 2009... moving on...
 
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sun_tan

New Member
Snow, thats very brave of you
happy.gif
Jia you for the new yr ya!! Gambateh!
 
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goodeals87

New Member
hI snow tea

It seem damn dramatic, now u alr breakup.but i advise u completly cut off all the contact, if not i tink yr r/s will go back to square one. in order to move on, find new fr, get new bf, cut off all contact with ex, tht will be damn gd for u
 
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snow_tea

New Member
Sad to say, I still cherish hopes of patching up with him. I know he doesn't love me anymore, but I will only give up all hopes until it's really over. I'm trying hard to move on... I dunno if I can get into another relationship anymore.
 
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ex7rema

New Member
Hi snow tea.... i had similar exp as u n i understand how u feel... till now im still walking towards the end of the road... all the best to u...
 
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snow_tea

New Member
Something happened today. We signed the agreement to lease. Actually i was quite blur cos I tot we went there to tell the CSO that we are not signing. The CSO told us to take out our ICs, then i told him to tell the CSO but he say tell what when we came to sign the documents?

I still dunno what had happened...
 
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skycloud

New Member
snow_ tea...Gambate and just follow ur heart ok? at least u try ur best to salvage the relationship. i broken with my ex 2 mths ago, i tried all the stupid methods to make him back but at the end it doesn't worked. I cried day and night, but i know i got to move on.
 
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snow_tea

New Member
Actually in my heart, i'm prepared for the worst already. I can let go of him but since we signed the agreement, I tot he loved me, that's why we signed the agreement to lease... But I couldn't feel his love at all the whole day... He say we will be back to normal. Will our relationship really go back to the way it was?
 
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skycloud

New Member
thanks smileguy..

snows, i noe that kind of feeling when the person luv jt slept next to you but the feel totally different. It kind of horrible feeling and u noe u may going to lose him soon. I gone thru it, every min every second tortured ur soul, heart. Just follow ur heart cause future u wun ask urself what if...i crying now with u ..gambate
 
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clipperjunk

New Member
why on earth did you sign since you have no confidence in the relationship? it is not about issue of convenience...if this does not work out, you've already incurred an unnecessary financial debt....you are too reckless...take a practical approach to things please, i think given the issues of your relationship, you ought to seriously enquire how to back out of the lease...and do so asap....to marry just because you are in the queue for a flat is downright silly...
 
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snow_tea

New Member
I don think we are getting married because of the flat. Yesterday chat with him for a little while, he say yesterday was just Day 1, things will get better.

But just that I was prepared not to be with him already cos he did not tell me that we are going to sign on the papers. I know what I'm thinking but i dunno what is he thinking.
 
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clipperjunk

New Member
since you don't even know what is in his mind then why even sign the lease, for all you know he is thinking about the flat, not you...and you wrote you didn't feel his love and so forth, do you still think you know what you are thinking? if you read the many threads here about broken marriages and relationships, surely that would have helped you look in the right direction...regardless, best wishes to you...
 
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