Is he having an affair now?

[winnietay]

Hi all,

Really in need of some advices now.

I am suspecting that my hubby is having an affair but he is not admitting to it.

Let me share some of my suspicions. He used to take good care of me and 2 kids. We used to have dinner alone before fetching our kids from my mum's house. We were very loving in the eyes of others. He used to spend time with our kids and played with them a lot.

But recently, I noticed that he will flare up at me very easily. The most obvious change is that he will ignore me completely when I talk to him. When I ask him a question that he do not wish to answer, he will just walked away, not even a nod.

Last time, we will try to communicate after the kids go to bed. But now, he will just bathe and sleep immediately after he reached home. It is only 9 plus and I dun believe he can be so tired. We hardly talk now.

He will also find excuses like work or maybe going to IT mall so as not to bring me and kids along. He is behaving as if he is single.

At times, he will bring our kids out without me.

He wasnt like this before. For all these years of marriage, he never behave in this manner.

I am heartbroken. I really do not know what is wrong. I tried talking to him, even to the extent of blaming myself for causing his change. But he is still unmoved.

If I am wrong, he should let me know. I can change. But, he is not telling me. We are not making any progress at all. I am the only one trying so hard to salvage this family but he seems very distant.

Do you think he is having an affair now? Initially I thought it is work stress but it is not. Work stress does not force a person to change overnight.

I am stuck. I cannot move on.

 

[september]

is he having more calls or sms tat he will walk away to answer to reply?

pardon me, but r u all still sexually active?

 

[winnietay]

He is having more sms and he will not let me see his hp. He can check mine but not his. He has changed to a PDA phone with a password. I tried to check his sms but it is locked with password.

No, we are not. We sleep on separate beds cos our 2 kids sleep with me on th bed. I heard many mothers will sneak out to another room after the kids zzzz off so as to have some private couple time together. But my hubby sleeps real early so no chance to be intimate at all.

He will also comment that I am fat. This really pissed me off.

This problem is affecting me greatly. I am really trying hard to move on and get to the root of this problem. But his attitude is not helping and he is keeping very very quiet.

Sigh......

 

[sevengate8]

it is tricky. PM me if you do not mine.

 

[winnietay]

If you do not mind, I prefer to discuss this in the forum.

This change has been going on for about 6 mths.

When we do go out together as a family, he will walk infront of us (me & 2 kids) and will ignore us completely. We have to follow him. I am just like a mad woman fussing over our 2 kids.

I want to know what is wrong but I cannot get an answer from him.

My problem now is the amalgamation of all the problems that lead to marriage failure. He doesnt want to communicate, he doesnt want to be intimate with me, he dun pay attention to the kids anymore, he doesnt want to participate with our lives. How to continue?

I think I pampered him too much in the past. I am a very good tempered person and I never raise a voice at him before. Think he took me for granted liao.

 

[september]

i cant be sure to say if he is or nt.....but wat i noe is tat normally the guy does change their character abit wen they hv an affair...and they does guard their hp...and will prevent us from seeing or peeping...

wat u say above abt ur husband does seem to me tat he is hving an affair. y dun u engage an PI to check on him? also, mayb u can check his credit card bill to see if u can find anyting usual.....

but put aside whether he is having an affair or nt...let me ask u....wat u gng to do if he really is having an affair? u muz really consider this carefully esp wen u also hv 2 young kids to tink of....

 

[winnietay]

He is smart to hide his expenses. He will not use his credit card. I have checked but nothing unusual.

I have thought of hiring a PI. But I do not know how to get one. Is it very expensive?

Also, I am not sure whether I can face the truth. I fear that he will kick a big fuss and leave the family immediately. What if this is what he wants?

Even if my marriage fails at the end of the day, I must at least make an effort to keep it.

He is not allowing me to help him.

I want to know how to make him realise his own folly. Why is he so hard-hearted? Are all straying men behaving this way?

I cannot tell my parents about it as I do not want them to worry about me. My sister said I should give him another chance.

How to give him another chance when he is not even interested to solve this problem together with me?

I still love him a lot and I think I will forgive him if he is repentant.

Everyday, I will cry myself to sleep. Each time he check his sms, I will think like crazy who sms him.

I am falling apart..... only our 2 kids are giving me hope to stay on.

 

[goooogal]

Winnie, sorry to read abt ur situation. Actually it does seem like ur hb is doing something fishy outside... I'd also suggest engaging a PI to give urself a peace of mind, rather than being kept in the dark or letting ur imagination run wild. But like Diana said, u have to consider ur next move if ur worst fear comes true.

BTW, are u working now or a SAHM? If u're working, then not so bad.. it's good to be financially independent of ur hb so u can take care of the kids in case anything happens. If u're not working, then time to be careful w ur money. Take care..

 

[honeygreentea]

There's a posibility that he's straying and he's trying to shut you out completely, hoping you to leave him alone for some private time. Usually if a man is straying, he tends to be very protective, suspicious and everything you do just simply get on his nerves, be it good or bad intention. Sad to say that I've experienced it before. I can't give you any good advise as mine ended with an anullment.

What I would suggest for you is not to deliberately check up on him, but to observe him for a period of time. Take some time off him, leaving him to sort things out, not to confront him or anything, just give him time, but can't be sure how long. On the other hand, you'd probably have to think what you'd gonna do if it really happens. From what you've mentioned above, I deduce that you'd do anything to salvage the marriage, especially now that you have kids to take care of. Family support is very important now, I'd suggest to talk to your family members about this. Try to calm down for the time being, and sometimes, things will surface by itself without intervention.

 

[winnietay]

G~gal,

Thanks.

I am a working mum and my mum help me to take care of the kids. I know hiring a PI will be good for me now cos it will bring to light all the truth. Maybe I should start looking for one soon.

Any idea how to choose a reliable PI? I am worried it may backfire on me.

 

[september]

winnie, if u wan to noe the truth, then u muz really prepared for the worst. nt all man who stray hv the same pattern....nt all is heartless enough to gif up his family for TOW.

i tink if he really hv no more feeling for u, he will hv juz tell u he wanted out. but mayb instead of flaring up at him or getting paranoid over his action, y dun u use the soft approach? u shld noe wat he love abt u....for eg. if he love ur gentleness, y nt exert more gentleness on him....so tat he will hestitate abt leaving him? i noe it is tough to keep ur cool and treat him nice wen ur inner feeling is so frustrated. but if u keep losing temper wif him....it ok make him wan to leave u.....

try winning him over....or mayb make him guilty for neglecting u and the kids in a nice way...nt like finger pointing and telling him off....but mayb try telling him like "dear, i miss hving dinner wif u before picking the kids up" or "dear, remember the last family outing to xxx, the kids really njoy themselves and so is u and me....mayb, we shld plan another outing these days"

pull him into the family. make him feel and remember his part in the family. let him njoy the warmness and happiness of the family. also, pls hv some private time for the 2 of u wifout the kids....

pls remember, wen a husband hv an affair, the wife who go crazy cry, scold and go confront TOW wifout the husband consent lose the husband, coz it only make the husband feel TOW is more pitiful and nid his protection. also, he will feel tat his wife is really nt worth spending his life wif.

handle it wif a calm mind if u still wan him....

 

[winnietay]

HoneyGreenTea,

You are right to say that he is shutting me out completely. Everything I do or say now irritates him.

I am not trying to check on him intentionally. His sms are way too frequent. His attitude towards me and our kids are too obvious.

Yes, I will try my best to keep this marriage. Unless, he mention separation.

Actually I have thought of talking to my in laws about it. But I worry it may worsen my relationship with him. What if he is angry with me for telling his parents? I am sure my in laws will not defend his actions.

Yes, what I need now is family support.

 

[winnietay]

Diana, thanks for your advices.

I have tried a softer approach initially. I maintained my cool and tried to coax him into going out with me alone. But he always say he is busy with work. He will also use work as an excuse to go out on Sat. I know he dun have to work on Sat.

Things have gotten quite out of hand lately. If he wants to play with the kids, he will bring them out without me! If we go out together, he will ignore me totally. During family outings with in laws, he will not care about my feelings and raise his voice at me. I am not a hot tempered person. I am soft spoken and hardly nags at him.

I hope he will give me a chance to 'win' him over. The thing is, he is not giving me one. Whatever things I suggest, he will either say no time or simply keep quiet. No response at all. He treats me like invisible.

I know I will not go into the extreme if I know the truth. But I fear that if I know the truth, I will destroy all my chance of reconciliation.

These few months, I have been trying to make him focus on our family. I am assuming he is having an affair. But he seems to be getting worst.

I am gentle to him, endure his rude remarks, dress nicely, create family time together, finding the right time to talk to him. But all these failed with just 1 action by him: he kept quiet to everything.

If he's happy, he will talk to me nicely. If not, he will either reply rudely to me or just keep quiet and walk away.

I really searched my memories for an answer to whether I have done anything to piss him off. Nothing at all.

Maybe his heart is already not with the family.

 

[september]

i will nt suggest to get in laws in the pic yet....nt yet.....coz by doing tat, u will only piss him off and push him further away from u....

u mention ur sis noe abt it rite...then keep it tat way first. as for ur parent, i also dun suggest letting them noe at this stage. somemore, u and him hv to pick up ur kids from ur mum hse....think of the reaction and how ur mum will treat him if they get wind of ur situation. like only push him further away from u.

i will suggest settle it among urself first....at this point of time, u dun even hv evidence if he is indeed straying so dun add on more prob to the already exist prob.

to me ur parent n his parent shld only be in the pic if u two are deciding on separation or divorce.

remember sometime the more people noe of it....the worst and bigger the prob get.

wen it happen to me tat time, i keep it from his family and mine. only a few of my close frenz and one of his close buddy noe. i dun mean my method surely work....but juz dun tink extra pressure will do both of us good.

then i juz did wat i can wat i tink is the best to try keeping him....then he choose to stay coz i tink he still feel for me. as for TOW, i choose a calm method to deal wif wen i mit up wif her wif my husband. i did nt scold her (keep my promise to my husband) and spoke calmly to her.....even offer her tissue wen she cried....

 

[pt01]

Dear Winnie,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is showing such behaviour, esp in marriage. It is something no one wants to ever have to experience. However, i believe we all have had our share of breakups and being with past partners who have not been loyal all the way.

I'll admit that i'm in the industry where we track husbands, and occasionally wifes, who are not always loyal to their spouses. We do not earn alot from such businesses, and very often have to shield ourselves from the hurt that clients exhibit when the path ends in divorce. It is akin to how surgeons have to numb themselves after a failed surgery to save a life.

I still believe you should try to stay on until there is no possibility of recourse, because i think there is a good reason you and your husband got attached and married in the first place.

However, just a note of advice. U can be wilfully blind and choose to stay wif your husband even though he's been exhibiting such obvious signs of neglect towards you; thats becos you love him. But one part of you must also be prepared to gather evidence in case you ever need to use it in future. This is to safeguard you and your children's future. And by the way, evidence gathered by yourself cannot be used in the divorce courts. Only those gathered by PIs can be used.

Again, i'm not a PI, but i do something similar. We're humans, and have familys whom we love too. So I wish you all the best in your marriage and hope that somehow things will change for the better.

Oh by the way, just a tip for u - i've seen some married clients lose 5-8kg, went for an image overhaul, took up dance and language classes, and seen their husbands attitudes change towards them for the better. Hey its vain, and its not for those who're already happily in cloud nine relationshios. But for those who are desperate, it worthy a try.

 

[september]

winnie, juz saw ur latest post....sorry...but from wat u say, it does gif me a feeling tat he wanted out but is waiting for u to say the word....

dun cry dear, sometime someone juz nt worth our effort.....if wat my guess above is rite....i will suggest u to prepare urself for the worst. and if it really happen, the best way to get back at him is to live a happier life wifout him. i noe it is tough and really hard....but u got to do it....tat is the only way to let him noe wat he really lost....

 

[winnietay]

Thanks, AY. I will consider some of your tips.

 

[pt01]

You're welcome

 

[winnietay]

Wow Diana, you are so forgiving towards your hubby and TOW. How did you managed to keep your cool? I dun think I can face TOW.

Initially, I thought I can handle this difficult phase in our marriage if both of us work together to close the gap. But I was wrong.

I have read that most strayed hubby will always ask for forgiveness and behave much better than before the affair, so as to mend the crack in the marriage. But my hubby simply dun bother to seek my understanding or even try to appease me at all.

Diana, I am really not prepared to lose him. I find it hard to accept. It is just over 6 mths that he changed to a totally different person.

Why cant he treasure me? I am even willing to change myself for his sake and forgive his wrong. But he choose to stay away.

My sister said that I am too soft for him. So much so that he took advantage of my weakness.

My heart is bleeding day by day.

 

[honeygreentea]

Hmm...I bet to differ....I personally don't think soft approach is gonna work as he's in denial state now. He's probably not gonna do anything now, not gonna talk about it, not gonna think about it, anything that you ask him, he'll simply deny. By keeping quiet and still stays in the marriage doesn't mean that he still treasure it nor does it means that he still loves the wife. It's simply because he doesn't want to do anything about it at all or rather he have no clue what to do next..there's too much responsibility and stress that he's gonna face from family and outside world. On the other hand, some may even push the blame to the wife that she's the one that caused the marriage to fail. Again this does not neccessary means the wife is at fault. The man is simply doing it to make himself feels better, to convince himself that what he had done is not his fault, but rather the wife or circumstances.

Of course, by confiding with family members doesn't means to gang together and point finger at him. It is simply to have some moral support and solace which I think gonna help mentally. At the present situation, I guessed that you're probably not in the right state of mind to think and analyse the whole situation, and a little little things will get you really paranoid.

Some ppl simply sink into depression when they keep everything to themselves and suffer in silence...You have no idea how this battle is gonna last and it could be a torture. It really depends on individual on how strong your personally is and whether you're able to cope alone. If situation permits, I'd suggest that monitor him for a while, and an answer may just pops out of nowhere. If you're not comfortable with telling your family, then have a talk with your close friends, who knows, they may tell you thinks that you're not aware of...

Do what you deem fit as each family and situation differs. As for myself, I went into the battlefield alone, not a single soul was aware about it...no screaming nor fighting between us...slowly symptoms and answers emerged out of nowhere and situation became clearer and clearer but it takes a longer time though. I regretted not telling my family nor friends about it as after everything ended and we talked about it, that I realised that my friends are already aware of it as they've seen them outside, and family members had accidentally seen booking of their oversea trips. If I've consulted them earlier, I would have a clearer picture and it wouldn't have dragged for too long. Well hope that you're not in the same situation as me...All the best to you and take care!!

 

[honeygreentea]

Yeah I agree with Diana that he's just waiting for you to end it and tell the whole world that reason for ending marriage is due to his attitude but not due to infidielity...probably he'd feel bettr this way....

 

[september]

winnie, i dun noe...i really dun noe how and y i am able to do it....is it i really love him too much tat i willingly to swallow my pride? or i am juz too stupid? or my heart is juz too soft? anyway it does nt matter liao...coz tat is the past...

as for ur case, either ur husband is trying to avoid seeing ur pain thus he is ignoring u so tat he can be hard heart wen he wan to leave. if nt, a 'mi xin' tinking....is he unders some spell? love spell by TOW?

i noe u r nt prepared to lose him...but sometime life is nt a bed of roses.....we hv to learn to face it. i am nt saying tat u gif up nw....but wat i mean is tat there hv to be a point ware u stop living for him and live for urself and ur kids.

or mayb like wat ur sis say, he noe ur weakness and he noe tat no matter how badly he treat u, u wont leave him de....and mayb he is dreaming tat by making u scare of losing him, u will agreed to all his request for ex. letting him hv his cake and eat it aka keeping a mistress?

another way to deal wif it is, change urself from a soft person to a strong one....tat is stand up against him if u r rite and hv valid reason. coz sometime, a guy may get bored wif a soft gal and get interested in a strong gal...while could be wat is happening nw...outside. u noe wat i mean....like if one alway eat those hao liao, then at times a simple meal taste good. but i muz warn u, this method can be deadly. coz if it backfired, u could lose him forever.

also, remember, no matter wat happen, u hv to be strong....at least for ur 2 young kids.

 

[tingz]

Hi winnie, very sorry to hear bout wat is happening in ur marriage now. Whatever the outcome, u have to be strong not only for urself, but also for your 2 kids. This road won't be an easy one, but at the end of it, u will emerge a stronger woman.

At this pt, my advice is to think for urself and ur kids. If he really want to leave, no matter wat you do, how u change urself for him, he won't come back. most prob, he n tow now is still in the honeymoon stage, and all he can see is her (if he is really having an affair). Give him some space, hopefully he will sort himself out soon.

for the time being, take good care of urself, ur children and plan for the future, with or without him.

 

[lakopi]

Winnie,
Your situation is the exact same print as mine. And I seriously have gone thru all the saga for the past 1 yr. I would like to speak to you in person, instead of writing in this forum cos its too long to be written. You can write me to leave me your contact cos i seriously wish to help you. My email is [email protected]

 

[peppery]

I know what I am going to suggest seems bad, but maybe can try reverse psychology? Instead of trying to talk and salvage the situation and having him being indifferent, why not doll yourself up? Put on your pretty dresses, make up, hair do and then show him you are indifferent to his attitude too. You can get your sis to sms you many times at night and you can secretly check your hp too. Make him think that his indifference to you has cause you to stray too. Maybe he will then wake up and also realise how much you mean to him?

Anywayz, sorry if this is a crappy idea...

 

[september]

la-kopi, how r u? long time nv heard from u....hope u r doing fine....

winnie, how r u today? hope u r getting better....

 

[giantemu]

my 2 cents worth.

- you know some of his friends - maybe you can check with them subtedly why he is behaving so oddly - from their replies you may gather some clues.

- if you really want to know whether he is having an affair - try to "ambush" him when he is leaving from work. i.e. wait for him across the road from his office & see if he goes elsewhere after leaving work. Cos if he is really having an affair, its likely hes gonna meet someone after work.

Also, anything extraordinary ? eg: he goes out late claiming he has OT and it happens almost everyday - but it seems not be because you said he sleeps early.

There could be more than one reason why he is behaving so differently - it may not neccessarily means he is having an affair.

 

[winnietay]

Good morning, Diana!

I am still the same. No improvements at all. Really feel like going to the PI office today. But I cant garner enough courage to do it. I am afraid of the consequences. I know the truth hurts.

Jaslyn, my sis also suggest that I should dress up a bit and make him worry about what I am doing outside. I dun think this will work. Previously when I wore slightly sexy, he will comment that I look ugly. Dun think he will bother to look at me even if I become pretty. With 2 kids around, I cant really go out much.

I think I am also in denial. I am trying not to dig out the ugly truth. I know I cannot face it. That's why, I am still hoping that he will realise his own mistakes and change.

I keep asking myself whether he is really hopeless.

I am so angry that things can change so suddenly. Never have I dreamt that such things will happpen to me. Never have I expect a person like him to do such things. He is always so sure of himself and have a good career. Why must he give me up?

 

[september]

winnie, we can gif u the advise here...but u hv to decide wat u really wan to do...i noe true hurts....but for me lies be it white lies or wat hurts even more. i was in self denial stage before, how i wish tat he play a joke on me...how i wish tat all is juz a bad dream....but there will be a day u hv to face it....

how long more can u hold on to his 'mental torture' by ignoring u and shutting u out of his life? isnt tat more hurting? sometime when love become a burden or is no longer a happiness....we hv to learn to let go.

u noe, from wat u say....it kind of pain me tat u hv to go thru all these wen there is nothing u hv done wrong to deserve all these....

however, as i say, u are the one to decide....so wat i can say is tat, although all of us cant do much to help u.....we are here to offer a listening ears and here to gif u the support shall u nid.

do take care and be strong....

 

[winnietay]

Hi beluga,

Thanks, maybe I should take a day off and follow him.

I am not close to his friends so cant really gather info from them.

I have also tried to think positive that it may not be an affair. But, I cant find any reason to justify his recent behaviour.

Previously, he will spend time with us after work. But now, he simply doze off and refuse to hear me out. He is only 30 plus so no reason to be so tired every night. These days, he try to avoid being alone with me.

We just came back from a 3 days trip to Malaysia with his parents. During the trip, we hardly talk at all. Even when we are eating, he will just order his own food and does not care whether our kids have ordered theirs. Last time, he will finished his food quickly so that he can take care of the kids and I can eat my food. Now, he just buy and eat on his own.

I dun think I am over dependant on him. I just felt that he should participate in taking care of the kids.

My sis said I am too reliant on him and that I should let him concentrate on his work. She said that as long as he brings $ home every month, I should not be so picky.

But, it is not fair to me. Am I wrong? Am I too childish?

I believe that as long as there's appreciation for all the things I have done for the family, I dun mind all the hardships. But now, he is treating me like nothing.

 

[winnietay]

Thanks again, Diana. Thanks to everyone here.

I will take half a day off today to think it through.

 

[greyarea]

winnie,
no, i don't think you're childish. not sure why your sister deem you reliant on your hubby. if i were you i will be depressed too.

i read some where in your posting that your hubby once commented you look fat/chubby? if i were you, i will really totally revamp myself by losing weight first. no matter how shallow this is, sometimes, it does boost your self-esteem and confidence once you look good and catch guy's attention. and who knows you hubby might change his attitue towards you. no harm trying and at least you do something rather than wait and getting depressed and "hu se luan xiang"..

 

[heart_goes_on]

Hi, Winnie,

After reading your story, i strongly feel that there is something wrong with your hubby. Possibility is that your hubby's heart might have flew off and perhaps not to the extent of having affair yet. When a person's heart fly off, most probably is that they might stick to their hp, to make sure that they dont missed out any sms from 'the other party'. I cant stand it when you said that he actually ordered his own food and eat alone???? Please lor, children is both parents' responsibility and not only belong to the woman. I guess the only solution to clear your doubt now is to find a PI to check on him. I heard from my sister before that her frd once engage a PI on her hubby who had an affair. The charge was around $1,500.00 for 1-2 days i think. I am also a mother of 2, sometimes i get really angry when my hubby go clubbing more frequently and neglected us. Already quarrelled many times becos of his drinking. Why we woman can only tolerate??? So unfair...

 

[lhy]

Hi Winnie,

I do feel there's something wrong with your hubby too. It happened to me once with my boyfriend (not hubby tho). We were together for around 5years. He's not the kind to look after his apperance alot, tho he is quite good-looking naturally and attracts the opposite sex.

Then suddenly he started to take really good care of his appearance. He will dress nicely, check his hp ever so often, msgg non-stop and taking calls in another room. I find these abit fishy but choose to trust him. In the end, his friends and in fact everybody around us knew that there's TOW in the picture! Everyday except me.

Hiring a PI is probably the best solution now. It's expensive, but at least it leads u to the truth and be it whether u can take it or not, it allows u to stop guessing anymore. The truth might be hard to face, but for the sake of your children, u need to know the truth and find a solution out. U must be brave. I know the heart-breaking feeling. We will all support you!

*Hugs*

 

[winnietay]

Thanks grey area, Emily and lhy686!

Yes, he is too much by leaving me alone to handle the kids and he just enjoy his food.

If his heart is somewhere looking for his 'bait', then it is quite useless to hire a PI. There wont be any evidence.

Some people can be so heartless. He can ignore all the happiness and hardships that we had shared for the past 10 years.

Yes, he commented that I am fat. He does not praise me at all. I have lost quite a bit of weight due to this. But I find it hard to shed away fats that are caused by child birth. It just stays there. I am not that fat but my figure look rather unproportionate.

From the above posts, seems like everyone is having the same suspicion as me.

 

[greyarea]

winnie,
actually i'm not sure if hiring a PI really helps you in anything except to confirm if he strays or not. and if your hubby finds out, he might be super mad and things might backfire. not that he has any justification to be angry if he really strays and doesn't want to admit anything..what if it's not? i think it's still best to do self-improvement and see how things goes from there.

i think hiring a PI usually is to get prove and to use the prove to claim alimony or to fight for custody when planning for divorce later on? unless that's what you think things are moving towards?

when my BIL (hubby's bro) stray the other time, my SIL got us to spy on him. my MIL and SIL (hubby's sister) spied on them after work and true enough, they saw them together. luckily it was a short affair and didn't get too serious and everything ended when my MIL blew her top! My BIL respects my MIL a lot cos she sacrifice a lot for them when they were young..also because the other girl also came to her senses lah..so, may be you can ask your sis to spy on your hubby for you if you really want to confirm things? just a suggestion...

 

[my_desired_happiness]

hi winnie

if ur husband respects his parents a lot, then getting his own parents to talk to him might be good. but only if u r very very sure he is having an affair. no point getting too many ppl involved though. might backfire.

i dun think he will stop the affair if any, if u just keep quiet. he will just be glad to hv both women. and he will not make a decision unless he is being forced. and will u be able to take it if he decides to leave you?

 

[heart_goes_on]

Don't know what to say, like most men don't appreciate what we women has sacrifice leh. Basically i feel we women once after give birth got not much time for ownself liao, everyday after work just go home straight for children. I think you better ensure that the 2 of you talk things through. Cos its only lately that his attitude starts to change right. Rather than after awhile, he can't even be bothered to explain after so long. Get him to talk by hook or by crook lor. If not you and him are living under the same roof leh, if both give cold shoulders, there wont be laughter in your house. Really hope you will succeed in asking him to TALK.

 

[honeygreentea]

It takes two hands to clap. I have to agree that sometimes, a guy stray is not entirely his fault. Many a time is due to communication between the couple had broken down without both realising it and there's probably too much tell-tale sign that's being ignored.

 

[peppery]

Winnie, maybe your husband has not strayed. I think we women always jump into the "affair" and "the other woman" when our bf / hb starts behaving weirdly.

Well, I think there could be other reasons? Like how old are both of you now? And how old were you when you get married? Could it be your husband feel stifled? Like suddenly, he's no longer the carefree, young and handsome man he used to be 10 years ago? Suddenly he realise, he's got 2 small kids and feel tied down and no more freedom and room for himself anymore? That's why he's into a self denial mode now. Denying the presence of you (the wife) and the kids.

I'm not sure...

And the part about he never praise you but always say you are fat and when you wear slightly sexy, he said it's ugly. I guess some men are like this. Frankly speaking, I am a good looking woman. But my boyfriend never praise me either. He will always say why do I go to the beach so much that I get as dark as a Malay woman?! Or if I wear a tube or spaghetti straps, he'll say I am overly exposed and I am fat! (when people in my office think I am tall at 1.7m and have a good figure..duh?!) But when his friends comment I am pretty, he'll look happy when he tells me about it la...

Anywayz...I think your husband will notice you dressing up etc, just that he doesn't want to admit it and choose to comment negatively instead.

And also could it be becos someone in his office or one of his friends said something? Could be why he is always tied to the family and acting un-manly compared to his other colleagues or friends? If your hb is the soft ear type, maybe it'll go into his head that ya, he should start acting more macho now...

Maybe it's good to leave him alone now and ask him what's he's up to, when he's feeling better??

 

[peppery]

--

 

[snoopycare]

Hey winnie,

Why don't you try to send him an sms when you are not with him. Sometimes, people prefer to brust out in message mode. Or msn during your work time or even an email.

Just carry on maintain the marriage, it's isnt easy.

 

[chelsea_tan]

Hi Winnie,

Sorry to hear that and I felt for you as I have been through. He's a caring father and husband. Things started changing when the affair started and he refused to admit. My gut feelings was so strong and I prayed. Finally he admitted as I was very depress.Told me that he loves me and do not wish to carry on with the affair.He was alway distracted, deep in thoughts, temper flares easily,finding fault with us and even lie to get out of the house. Begs for forgiveness,apologise and promised to end the affair as we do love each other and we thought of the kids,agreed to put the past behind to move on.We are back to the old times and we are stronger after this incident. Winnie, it must be hard for you but please stay strong and try to talk to him just the two of you. Do not give up if you still loves him and think of the kids.All the best.

 

[realist]

Sounds like he just has symptoms of sexual frustration. Maybe you should make more effort to find time away from the kids and try rekindle the old flame. Presumably the kids were not the result of immaculate conception.

And if he says you're fat, maybe you should consider going on a diet. Sexual fidelity is a contract between two people and each has an implicit duty under that contract to use best efforts to remain attractive for the other.

 

[latino]

chelsea, you just dug up an old thread that has been inactive for a year. winnie may not read your comments...

 

[snowgal85]

Hi Winnie

Sorry to heard that what happen to u, how everything after your last post, i hope u can save your marriage and he can come back to u... cheers

 

[rofthelper]

winnie tay, I guess your hubby is climbing on top of you le. You have gibe him alot of space and freedom.

 

[simpleman]

wah lau eh.. still talk about winnie.. which last posted a year ago..

 

[alcifertoh]

haha probably can suggest that the post dates be enlarge bigger.

 

[miloice]

yah sm... and realist talking about his numbers again.