Is a healthy sex life vital for marriage? Need help!

[cluelessguy]

My girlfriend is as flat as can possibly be (cannot fill an A cup bra). I do love her but I have a feeling it is affecting our sex life. I am not sure whether it is because she is really flat or whether it is for other reasons but I do not get turned on by her and do not even look forward to having sex with her. I have been with women with bigger boobs and the sex has always been great.

As a result of my failure to be turned on as well as the low frequency of us having sex, it is affecting our relationship as she thinks I have a low sex drive or either that screwing around outside. However, I am stuck in a dilemma whereby I do not dare to tell her for fear of coming across superficial that my sex drive is actually normal and that I suspect it is her flat chest that leads to my failure to be turned on

I know I am sounding disgustingly superficial and I really don't want to be like this. Its just that I really can't help it. My body just cannnot seemed to get turned on. I do not know why.

I am really really torn over this as I am wondering whether I would want to be in as relationship whereby I do not look forward to the sex. However, I also tell myself I cannot be so superficial as to end a relationship just because of this. However, the poor sex life is really taking a toll on the relationship.

Please advise me on what to do? Is sex that important in a relationship? My gf and I do get along perfectly well (minus the sex). Should this relationship end or continue? Can a relationship carry on without good sex? Is good sex in a relationship really really that important? People have been telling me that after being with the same person some time, sex will become boring no matter what so I might as well live with it.

What can I do?? I really really don't want to be superficial but I cannot seem to help it as I do not get turned on and do not feel the passion when having sex with her unlike some other relationships I have had.

 

[hazuki]

superficial aside, everyone has their fetish... it's better for u to say it out then to realise tat it's affecting u in yrs to come.

though sex is not the whole's most impt thing, it's impt to have it in a proper r/s.
perhaps u wanna talk to her abt it n c if there's any way to resolve the flat chest issue? eg - divert ur attention else where? role-play? foreplay?

 

[tomasulu]

say a thousand people come in and they all say yes you are superficial. will that change who you are, what you like and how you feel?

don't live your life by polls.

 

[taren]

"I do not get turned on by her and do not even look forward to having sex with her. I have been with women with bigger boobs and the sex has always been great."---that means she's willing to have sex with u, i assume.

For my case, there is not even an INITIATION or willingness at all. Count yourself LUCKY dude.
if u still consider unfortunate, welcome to geylang.

 

[goooogal]

Hey Clueless Guy, no need to feel ashamed abt ur "superficiality". I'm sure many of us have certain "criteria" or prerequisites that we look for in a mate. Saying that inner beauty is all that matters is pretty BS to me. For me, I'd admit that I dun get turned on by fat or hairy guys. I simply can't imagine waking up next to a fat, hairy orang utan, and I've seen quite a few of those in the gym (u know those pple w curly hair all over their chest, back, legs, arms but still insist on wearing high cut running shorts and singlets w big arm holes) P If u think u are going to feel unsatisfied in this r/s, maybe u shld bring this up to ur gf. A) She wld tell u to buzz off or B) She may suggest going for bust enhancement on her on accord. Which ever the outcome, I think u'll feel better than being tormented by this bugbear for the rest of ur lives together right?

 

[mo0ds]

Clueless guy,

Divert your attention to other place of her body la... Though she dont have nice boobs, she might have nice legs, nice butts, small waist... She will feel sad if u tell her its becos of her flat chest that cant turn u 'on'... (well, i dont know her well.. She might be also 'open' enuff to accept the fact...)

 

[amandalaw]

G-gal...it's pretty interesting...
I think most of us dun like 'waking up next to a fat, hairy orang utan'..now at least
But unfortunates of unfortunates, the hunk that you're dating today might turn into the orang utan u fear in 10 or 20 years..

What will you do then?
I know couples where the girl looks like a model but the guy is bald and fat...but this guy looked really good 5 years ago...

And what if big boobs start to sag in a couple of years/decades? You leave your wife and soul mate for the next young thing?

Naive as I am..a soulmate is someone you want to wake up with when you're 80 and still think that's he's the best thing in the world that happened to you even if he's all wrinkly and bald...and not the hunk he used to be..but still the guys who makes u laugh just by looking at the twinkle in his eyes.

 

[pinkhippo2002]

Do you love your gf dearly?


hey, I have put on 5 kgs after 2 kids. My hubby never 'hiam' leh. When I complained about my weight gain, he assures me it's my illusion, I am still as slim as 10 years ago

He put on 10kgs and I find him as handsome & attractive as before!

My point is, when you really love the person, you became very biased, cannot see any imperfection
my children are the prettiest in my eyes too


I agreed completely with Amanda on the soulmate part

 

[puzzleguy]

Clueless,

It really do puzzled me more since i m already a puzzled guy.

If u really love your gf, u shld not be being in such reaction.

If u talking abt sex, yes it may be superficially lust which has not emotional impact as such prolly bigger boobs would give more arousal/pleasure.

However, she is your gf, someone whom u love or u like with emotion attached to the relation, when it comes to pyschical intimacy (guess this is why some pple prefer it to be called making love instead of sex wif your love ones) its no longer plain lust. Body/mind/soul combining to become one when making love.

If her figure (small boobs) is really the factor tat lead to wat u mention above then i really have doubts if u really love/like her. Also if u r really such a boobs guy, why in the first place you r attached wif her?

 

[goooogal]

Amanda, if my hb turns into an orang utan in 10-20 yrs time (pretty Unlikely cos it's all hereditary), at least i have that 10-20 yrs to come to terms right? Impossible for such a change to come abt overnight at least..

Let's put it this way, if u meet a guy who is ugly in ur eyes from the onset, wld u still wanna go into a r/s w him? Nevermind that u think he is the wittiest and most charming living creature on earth....if u blindfold urself. Well.. i can't live w a blindfold on for the rest of my eyes unfortunately.

That said, I do agree on the soulmate theory. There's somebody for everybody... and thankfully for me, my somebody isn't a fat hairy guy

 

[crazy_guy]

'(u know those pple w curly hair all over their chest, back, legs, arms but still insist on wearing high cut running shorts and singlets w big arm holes)'

tis one makes me luff!!..are u refering to tat person u told us tat night?...LOL

 

[puzzleguy]

G-Gal, puzzled again ^^ ... does it means 10-20 yrs later IF ur hb really turned into a orang utan, then a hercules is interested in u... then u will leave the orang utan for hercules? >.< since after 10-20 yrs u mite still have to face him for another 10-20 yrs!

 

[goooogal]

As I mentioned puzzled, if it takes 10-20 yrs for the transformation, at least it gives me time to come to terms right? Then again, I'd have stopped him from transforming into an orang utan instead of putting up w it for even 1 mth.

Ah siao, did i tell u abt this guy before.. then shld be the same one la

 

[crazy_guy]

think u mentioned tat night b4..den i asked whether u go nice body shape or not..keke

 

[idealone]

Always try to remedy the problem yourself first. Perhaps when you guys try to do, jus remove your gal's bottom keeping the top on. Sex does not mean you have to take everything off you know. Actually keeping something on is also very stimulating.

Guys are visual animals so perhaps some sexy clothes on her will bring out the burning fire in you.

Good luck!

 

[inspectorate]

Clueless guy,

In which situation would you rather be in? Unable to be turned on or turned on but unable to have it?

 

[cluelessguy]

Thanks to all for your advice. Yes, I am ashamed to be superficial and I cannot bear to let her know how I feel.

Double edged sword. I tell her, she deems me superficial and I might get dumped. I don't tell her, our sex life will go nowhere.

I do love her that is why marriage is on the cards despite the sex life that is going nowhere.

I feel lost cause if I say it out, I am disgustingly superficial in her eyes. If I don't say, I will have to live a life without passion in bed I guess.

 

[misericordia]

Sex life in marriage is not all about the breast size right? How about sexual intercourse? You say you loved her. Is it by been superficial you really loved her? Please go and check what Love means. Love does not equate to sex and only sex. Getting into marriage entails not only sex! If you are looking for turn-ons in marriage only, please don't get married and ruin your girl's life.

Unless you are not talking about having children. If you are, what is most important is both of you are fertile.

You feel ashamed. What are you gonna do about it? Ignore it? Find another girl with more prominent figures and focus your whole marriage on her breast and nothing else? Say I love your breast more than I love you as a person?

Gosh! where is your current girl's dignity gone to? Is she just a sex machine/symbol to you?

 

[miloice]

the greatest sex organ isn't your dick, her face, boobs but the brain. It is all in your mind.

 

[whattodonow]

Hey, cluelessguy, i can understand your situation, cos i am facing a similar problem as u, only that i am the girl and the one being turn-off is my hubby.. For my case, its due to my weight and size.. We had been together for 8 years already. What happened was that I had gained about 10kg on my already plump frame, the worst is during the recent 1 year, after we got married, i gained 6kg.. I don't know what happened to the sudden weight increase, but i know my hubby find it very turned off by my tummy and size. The last time we have our ML session was 1 month ago and it wasnt at all good and hubby was unable to complete the session.
Hubby says he still loves me alot, but i am not sure is it really the case.. Hubby doesnt have any affair symptoms, but i guess if i can't slim down, i may lose him anytime.. I am trying to slim down, but the more i tried, the worst i got..
Is it that guys are all visual creatures?

 

[sillywoman]

helpless, i guess not All guys but majority of them are visual creatures! Maybe your hubby is not used to your current figure as compare to the old you?

1st year of marriage life must be very sweet &amp; lovely right that why you put on another 6kg! Maybe you should try to exercise more regularly (3-4 times a week) &amp; watch your diet (avoid oily, deep fry, sweet &amp; carbo food) &amp; are you the type that eat alot when you are under alot of stress &amp; pressure? If you are then maybe that is one of the reason for your weight gain! Try to control yourself, strictly 3 meals a day nothing more &amp; try not to eat snacks &amp; desserts!

Good luck to you!

 

[cluelessguy]

Well, its precisely because i don't want to be superficial thats why i am deciding to go ahead with marriage.

I really don't understand why i cannot seem to get turned on by her. We have tried and everytime its really frustrating. I have never had such problems with my exes.

I do not know whats wrong with my body or why i cannot seem to get turned on. Its terrible. I guess i am resigned to entering into a sexless marriage.

This whole situation in extremely frustrating. I do not know whether something is wrong with my body or mind that i cannot get turned on by her. I do not blame her. I think there is something wrong with my brain or body. I really don't want to be superficial but my body just doesn't seem to react when i see her naked. I really don't know how...everytime we try it just gets more frustrating and the pressure only builds up with each time.

Should i go ahead with the marriage knowing my sex life will be in a rut??

 

[goooogal]

Clueless Guy, how long have u known ur gf and has it always been like this for u? I dun think it's gd to go ahead w marriage if u dun feel 100% happy abt it (ie feeling "resigned" abt the situation). Do think abt it carefully and not go into marriage if u have even 1 bit of doubt. Often pple will say physical intimacy is not the most impt aspect of marriage but i think that its importance is subjecive. Wld u be able to live w this for the rest of ur marriage or fall prey to outside temptation next time? Nobody knows but if u always feel frustrated abt not having a fulfilling sex life w ur wife next time, u're creating that possibility that u may succumb to it.

 

[cluelessguy]

G-gal, I have been with her for close to six years although we had a break of one year whereby we each saw different people. There were no such problms with the other people i saw during the break up. We got back together as we did miss each other's company i guess.

The dilemma is worsened by the fact that we have already got a new flat.

People have been advising me that after being with the same person for so long, sex will naturally be boring. But i didn't expect it to reach a stage whereby i have absolutely no interest in it at all.

I also fear that if i break up simply because the sex life is boring, i would seem superficial as well since love is more than sex right?

Anyway, i am genuinely thankful to all for your advice. This is not an easy topic to bring up for discussion due to its sensitivity.

 

[lyndy]

CluelessGuy, you said"People have been advising me that after being with the same person for so long, sex will naturally be boring. But i didn't expect it to reach a stage whereby i have absolutely no interest in it at all."

So 1) was there an interest from the start but this interest has gradually diminshed to nothing over the years or
2) no interest from day 1 once you saw her naked?

anyway, saw a documentary on tv many years back, the psychologist being interviewed said, it's still better to choose a spouse whom you are physically/sexually attracted to so that over the years, when the sparks of romantic love fizzles, the r/s will still be maintained bcos of the physical/sexual attraction. hence if you are boobs man, she would encourage u to marry someone with boobs and so on.

 

[miloice]

helpless,

the best way to slim down is exercise, cut down on sugared beverages, reduce fat and carbo intake.

Take smaller but more frequent meals and stop snacking. Start running and do some cycling or swimming to alternate with as jogging is very stressful on the knees.

Also, stop looking at the scale. Weight can be very subjective. You can lean up without really losing weight. Likewise, you can get fat even without gaining a single kilogram.

Seek advise from friends that gym and exercise regularly and get a friend to join u as training buddy.

There is no such thing as the more you try, the fatter you get. You just aren't determined enough.

 

[goooogal]

Clueless Guy, I seriously disagree w ur frens' statement that after being with the same person for so long, sex will naturally be boring. I've been w my hb for 11 yrs, married for 6 and we're as attracted to each now as we were on day 1. To us, love is a mix of mutual respect, trust as well as physical attraction and chemistry. Pardon me but I think using the flat as a reason to get married is a v sad excuse...

 

[red_sky]

lyndy,
that's strange. I thought when the romantic love fizzles out, so does the physical attraction. I mean, we won't stay the same shape and size forever right?

 

[whattodonow]

hey sillywoman, i am really one of those kind that eat alot under pressure/stressed.. We just got ourselves a new house and hubby left me to deal with the renovation cos he says i am the fussy one and he doesn't know anything (as if I knew!!!) So to manage the finances and to coordinate the renovation and to buy the necessary stuffs have to be done by me.. My work load is not light as well, have to work almost 12 hours a day! So i have to admit i didn't keep my food control well.. But the damages have been done and i am still suffering it.. Sometimes i really hate my hubby for minding my weight and size and after he finish critizing me, he will say "no matter what, I still love u, i know u will diet and be thin again", but i find it very hurting still..

Cluelessguy, if u really can't get turn on, dun commit into the marriage, at the end of the day, the person who hurt the most is your gf.. All her pride and self-esteem will be hurt! Its really very hurtful when u can't let your partner reach the climax and both parties can't be ablt to enjoy the process of ML.

I cannot denied that love/marriage doesn't only means having sex, but a love/marriage without sex will not be fruitful and everlasting..

Furthermore, if one party can't be turned on and get into the action, how to have kids in future..

 

[whattodonow]

Miloice, i know i am not determind enuf, I am one of those that can't resist food and lazy to exercise.. But right now i trying my best to cut down on my sugar intake.. I have a very sweet-tooth.. Thanks for all the advices..

 

[cluelessguy]

Well, I guess when we got together six years ago, the sex was alright. After the break up and the patch back, I guess things changed since we were with other persons. I admit that prior to the patch back, I had the most fantastic sex with another girl I was seeing. And yes, her boobs were bigger. I do not know whether that has an impact.

Another thing is that due to my lack of interest in sex with her, she is going around telling her friends I have low sex drive which I definitely know is not true. I am in a great dilemma as I can't possibly tell her I think its because of her flat chest that I don't feel turned on.

I really do not want to be a superficial freak and tell her to get implants or break up simply because of physical reasons. I mean, I understand that love is more than just sex right? That is why I am seeking opinion as to whether sex is that vital in a relationship.

I wish I could talk to her about it but I also do not know how to bring up this extremely sensitive topic. And yes, I also do fear that I might start looking for sex elsewhere if this continues.

I do think my gf is attractive and sweet but I just don't think of her in that way. Is it possible that I treat her more like a friend?

Should I even go ahead with the marriage? Sigh. I really hope I don't make the wrong decision.

To G-gal: Congrats and I am indeed envious of you that your r'ship with your hubby is still going on strong. I really do wish my marriage will be like that as well...

 

[goooogal]

Well clueless guy, I guess it helps that me and my hb were each other's first real r/s (we each dated casually before but nothing serious), so nobody else to compare w. Luckily we somehow click and can match each other in terms of values and likes/dislikes (thankfully he doesn't find big busted gals a turn on!). In ur case, u had a taste of someone more desirable than ur gf, therefore it has created a certain amt of expectation or "benchmark" if u will. Unless u can somehow erase that mental yardstick, u're prolly never going to find ur gf physically desirable as compared to that other gal.

So to ur qn on whether u shld go ahead w the marriage, I'd say no... Not unless u can "psycho" urself to be totally happy w the way ur gf is and love her w/o comparing her to other more endowed gals.

 

[ladykirvin]

Frankly speaking, its really uncertain if her boobs is the real problem or that you dont love her enough to make love with her, because you mentioned in two different posts.

1. "I am not sure whether it is because she is really flat or whether it is for other reasons but I do not get turned on by her and do not even look forward to having sex with her."
2. "I do think my gf is attractive and sweet but I just don't think of her in that way. Is it possible that I treat her more like a friend?"

>> It is impt that you need to drill yourself if you really love her. While men could be very visual creatures, most express their love and feelings thru physical intimacy.

If you truly love her, i dont see why her flat chest can be a suddenly be a problem since you were once physically attracted to her before the 1 year break.

 

[cluelessguy]

Hmm ladykirvin, i don't quite agree with your view that most men express their love and feelings thru physical intimacy. More for women actually.

Yeah, i suspect it could be because i had great sex with better endowed women during the break that could have affected me.

In fact, on some occasions when we were doing it, i fantasized about those other women in order to turn myself on. I know this is very very wrong but again, i cannot help it. Is it normal to fantasize about others while making love to your partner?

Hmm, so you are saying that it is because i don't love her which results in my lack of arousal?

I don't know. Perhaps it is just that we don't have that sexual chemistry but nevertheless, i guess the marriage will go on...

Thanks again to all for your kind advice. I guess i do feel better letting people know about my problem.

 

[sillywoman]

helpless, I think you should talk to your hubby about being supportive &amp; encouraging instead of pouring you cold water &amp; being so negative! Is it possible to ask your hubby to spare some time &amp; accompany you to a weekly exercise program? I think with his present it will motivate you more!

It’s never easy to make the first move so I think you can start slowly by starting exercising once a week &amp; when you are more comfortable increase it to twice &amp; so on! The important thing now is to make your first step, besides getting yourself into shape &amp; to look more attractive to your hubby I think your body will be more healthy as well!

As for your sweet-tooth, if your office or home have a lot of snacks &amp; candies maybe you should offer them or give them away! Keep them away from your visual! Start to reduce the intake slowly maybe you will see results!

All the best &amp; JIA YOU!

 

[crazie]

Will ur sex life turn better if she has bigger breasts? If not, then probably ur feelings for her ain't the same as before already...

If yes, u may try to ask her to try some breast enhancement products which my friend had tried them personally and it actually shown good results in 2weeks!

Website: www.beautynationpl.com [singapore company]

 

[whattodonow]

Thanks Sillywoman for the encouragement.. Me and hubby had a long talk last night, he didn't realised i got so upset over this, he said he will go exercise with me and help me to lose weight.. For the ML part, we decided to give ourselves more time and not to purposely try or what.. Let it come naturally and see..

Cluelessguy, sorry to hijack your thread, but hopefully u can have a nice heart to heart talk with your gf and maybe things will get worked out? Good luck!

 

[cluelessguy]

Hi All, just an update on my helpless situation.

I hinted to my gf that perhaps she should try using bust cream or something. I was shot a very dirty look and I immediately made it seem like I was joking.

Ladies, I suppose you will feel very offended if your bf asks you to use bust enhancement cream or go for breast implants? I would suppose so cos if she says my anatomy is too small, I would be very hurt too i guess.

I think its a hopeless situation...just have to live with it i guess. Those Men's Magazines and bust enhancement ads i see in the papers everyday are not helping of course...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi Clueless guy, I think your feelings about your gf before and after the break-up, has changed. That's why you don't find her sexually desirable like you used to.

 

[trique]

Clueless guy,

The way i see it, if an attribute matters to you, be it physical or character, it is important. I don't see why you should be criticised for thinking bust size is important. So what if you are superficial? I call it personal preference. If it matters, it matters. We should not be afraid to face it just because society frowns upon it. Afterall, you are the one who has to live with it.

 

[sgbabydoll]

I agree with Trique. I call it personal taste or preference. Don't pretend. We all have preferences and tastes.

 

[goooogal]

Clueless Guy, u might wanna come clean w ur gf abt ur lack of desire for her due to her flatness. Either that or see a hynotist to "psycho" urself into believing that a flat chest is sexier than 36D. No I'm not joking. Really. Else u may wanna try to "de-sensitise" urself to big boobs by looking at so many pictures of boobs till u dun get turned on anymore (it shld get boring after the 20th picture). Anyway, it's really ur life... if u are so resigned to it.

 

[cluelessguy]

Trique, Doll and G~gal, thank you for your opinions. I do feel better after hearing what you have to say and letting my bottled up feelings out.

I am not one of those who wants abnormally huge boobs in a gf but all i want is a B cup.

I guess I will have to inform her of my preferences before we get married to be fair to her. Just praying really hard the situation does not turn ugly. She has even attributed our lack of ML to the possibility I am gay which is ridiculous.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Cluelessguy, just curious, what if your gf is willing to go for a boobs job? Would you then be going crazy over her body? If not, then don't waste her time and your money. You may be turned off by more than her physical attribute.

And, to answer your question about the importance of sex in a relationship, my take is YES. Sexual compatibility is important and sex does have a role in a healthy relationship. Do you know that poor sex or the lack of it has been cited as one of the top ten difficulties in marriages?

 

[november_rain]

cluelessguy, one thing for sure is that the breasts will definitely be slightly enlarged after pregnancy but i am not asking you to go to such an extent to make your dream come true. i was a cup A and after pregnancy, went to cup B and they stay as that till now

Whether or not the boobs are big or small, we will all grow old and our body will definitely go through changes once again. Don't tell me you still expect her to look like she is in her 20s or 30s although she may be way past 50s liao !!!!

So before you jump onto the wedding wagon, get your expectations corrected first before you face more disappointment in the future.

 

[goooogal]

Hey Clueless guy, all the best ya. To me, marriage is for the long haul so unless u are prepared to live a semi-aescetic (or sexless) life for the next 3 or 4 decades, better think carefully before u go into it. Nobody will settle for a less than satisfactory product when they go shopping, what more w a partner to go thru life w u? If u can't appreciate her physique then maybe someone else wld, so u can be free to find someone more compatible.

 

[sgbabydoll]

November rain, most of my gfs told me that after weaning off breastfeeding, their breast size has gone back to pre-pregnancy state as breastfeeding helps to lose the extra weight gained from the pregnancy. In fact, the breasts will also lose some firmness in the course of pregnancy. Did you lose the extra weight gained?

 

[november_rain]

hi Doll, not for me, my 'milking' organs did not go back to pre-pregnancy size. Perhaps i did not breastfeed my babies at all, i pumped it out manually and fed them using milk bottles and that had an effect on them ?!?

 

[november_rain]

Oh, i gained about 18 kg after birth from my petite pre-pregnancy size of 44kg. Now am weighing 48 kg and of course, you are right, both of my best friends are not as firm as before

 

[getreal]

Hi folks, this may be of interest to some of you - i got this brochure from the mrt last week. It's abt a public sex education talk by some gurus for married and dating people - teach them to learn sex, enjoy it and improve their marriage. Organized by mcys and a company called emcc. Talk abt things like men make the diff, women keep it interesting, slow is better than fast, sex is more fun when u work at it, sex works best when the woman leads with her sexuality, the man makes the dff by affirming his wife, etc etc... Sound really interesting and good! Me most likely to sign with hb. Abt time too.... If anyone is interested, check it out at their web www.emcc.org.sg . Cheers!