Innocent flirting?

[jellyheart]

powder, then he must be a very patient guy, cos he said he only had sex with the mistress 3 times since april...

stardust, u MUSTN'T keep thinking it must be something you did/did not do. A guy who has the capacity to fall in love with a woman will have the same capacity to fall in love with another. Your husband wants love without commitment, and that is something he will never have with you simply because you are his wife.

I suggest you take some quiet time to think and to spend with your kids, and for the time being don't overanalyse what you should do in this situation. Stick to what you decided previously, throw the ball back to his court and state all you demands bravely. Let him prove himself to you, even if he accuses you of being controlling etc, let him, everything is a sign for you to decide for yourself how much his wants this marriage back. Right now it truly seems your husband is not willing to give up his lifestyle to save your marriage.

 

[powder]

u believe?

 

[infojunkie]

stop thinking abt love and get urself emotionally detached to look at ur problem.

7 mths of doubt and intense debate, 210 hellish days, the cat is finally out of the bag.

is this the truth…

or half-truth?

and after stringing u along for 10 mths since last apr (or so he claimed), he promptly begged for forgiveness once caught red-handed, cried like a baby, promised he will change… only to break it cos u’re “controllingâ€, cos he wanna “go outâ€â€¦ the period of remorse can’t even last a week… what do u say?

will there be another rd of mind game?

well, I say u give him the freedom. dun restrict him.

dun be predictable, BUT act predictable.

if u can't accept a husband who's going ard sleeping with women and wanna hv a peace of mind then catch the thief.

and to catch the thief, u need a lot more patient and guts…

and when u finally get to the whole truth, u will hv to do some decision making.

U can be Eleanor Roosevelt, stay in the marriage and be a remarkable woman.

or Uma Thurman. dumped Ethan Hawke and be a remarkable woman.

just dun be Sylvia Plath, she ended up lying in a frequently vandalized tomb which is adorned with flowers by ardent feminists who dunno her personally.

well, do something. just dun 自怨自艾，å以待毙。

but of cos do give urself some leeway to make ur weak mind strong again, and him to prove u and us wrong… setting a deadline for yourself will be great!

oh, time to see john terry the cheater getting rough on the field... u take care.

 

[miloice]

u r finding reasons and excuse then accept the facts that is falling flat on your face.

 

[jellyheart]

stardust, you said that trust, confidence etc has gone and what is left "is the foundation of love"

What is this foundation of love?

 

[jellyheart]

I thought the foundation of love was all this

 

[powder]

memories from the past...

 

[jellyheart]

yes precisely why I previously said, starust gotta forget and stop searching for the young boy she once knew and face up to the man in front of her now.

falling in love at 15 doens't make love more special or necessarily mean it must be true love.

And balance on your own feet and don't let him brain-screw u anymore.. you're overcontrolling? of cos he thinks so! since you're not allowing him the chance to see his lover.

by the way you have been right, that many forumners have warned you from the start. there was some very sincere warning by someone called small love, and best thing is, you actually agreed with her and said but in your case it would be different as the love between you and your hb is very strong.

I don't mean to rake up the past posts, but it's just like what you are doing now. You're still in self doubt and blaming yourself even after discovering he was f***king her down there while he was f***king you up there.

Get a grip ya stardust, you can do it.

 

[simpleman]

The gamut of emotions she is having now is very normal.. consistent with someone who has been betrayed. Self-blame is one of the characteristics.. Finding excuses is another.

It is still raw and it will be for a while. Give her some time.

I would advise her to focus on her new job and on her children for now.. If the HB wants to work on the marriage he will. Else he will be back to his ways in the time to come.. Let time judge everything.

Even as we are telling her the "truth" as we have told her before, it will take herself to know it herself.

It is easy for others to tell her - dump him and etc etc.. we told you so.. But she has to experience it herself. Just to remind her not to dwell too much on what he has done but what she wants moving forward.. Time will help her make the decision..

 

[daemonkoh]

Agree with sm.

 

[powder]

i'm more keen to size-up the husband and put things in perspective than anything else... cos putting his actions in perspective would make more sense, than to keep making a martyr out of him where he is always faultless even though some actions are so blatantly obvious.

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Stardust,

Please keep in mind this sentence from your post:

<font color="119911">'he said 'so i dont have to be back home tonight? i can go out right?' i didnt want to let him go, n he started to accuse me of being controlling</font>

A guy determined to salvage a marriage, won't ever hold thoughts of repeating the actions that first broke the marriage down. He won't even think of staying out the night, and going out without you anymore. This is what I understand from my husband. I'm using your thread as a mode of counselling between my husband and myself.

A guy determined to salvage the marriage, won't accuse the wife of certain extreme character she seemed to portray after the exposure of the affair. He is accusing you to be controlling. Cos, he might be hot on his heels right now. The other woman might be threatening him of his MIA on recent days. This is what I feel.

On your observations, they seemed to be no longer in contact, could it be that there's another hp involved? Another hp that you'd never seen? With no bills that will be sent to him? Pre-paid phone to be exact?

I'm sorry, I never wish to break your dreams of having things patched up with him. However, I feel..... There's something more to him than what seems to the eyes. Just cos of the sentence said above.

 

[lisara]

stardust, i agree with what the others have also mentioned here... that you shouldn't be blaming yourself.

Though I don't know you, yet I feel so hurt for you... just wondering, your husband whom is supposed to love you unconditionally, shouldn't he be demonstrating more remorse and prove that he is truly repentant to have hurt you like that, than to jump at the first opportunity he sees and asks if he can hang out?? I feel his this one question already speaks volumes of how he feels - he still wanna have his life outside.

Just on the weekend, I don't know why I thought of you... as in I wondered how your weekend was like now that your husband has apparently promised to mend his ways. Were you guys spending time together as a family... perhaps both party putting effort to make things work. But when I saw read your post, I feel so bad for you.

Please live your life for yourself and your kids now. Many ppl have mentioned this to you and I share their views. It's time to focus on yourself and build yourself up. You need to love yourself first before you will be able to give love.

 

[star_dust]

you know, come to think of it, i wasnt really alone in the past months. although i chose not to share this with others, i realised that forummers like all of you here were always here for me. thank you for putting me on your minds, it feels wonderful to have people concerned about me without even knowing me.

i dont want to defend him any longer. i dont know how well this marriage will turn out a year later, but i dont want to have it fail without giving it another go. it does hurt when he treats this so casually. and yes, i dont feel as if this is the end of everything.

there a million and one ways to continue seeing her. his job requires constant travelling around the country. he can be in 10 places in 10 hrs in a day. numbers can be bought and cancelled. its impossible to trace anything, check anything. and furthermore, i really dont want to live a life so carefully like this. its torturous. by nature i'm a trustworthy person, and i therefore i live by this code of honour towards anyone else. if he's unable to regain my trust in a year's time, then by then i believe i have indeed tried my best, and that'll be the time to move on. i've really thought of everyone else too much and too little for myself. i wont do anymore explanations for him, let him explain himself, be it through actions or words.

one thing i hope he knows is that i do love him, so much so that i'm willing to try and accept this horrendous hurt inflicted upon me and give our marriage and our future another go. he's not even able to do this for me should it be the other way round. i think for the moment, i've done enough.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Sometimes it's a lot to do with timing.....

 

[lootcart]

Yeap. I dun believe its only 3 times. Anyway 3 or 300 times doesnt make any difference. Difference is that he lie to u again only.

He accuse you controlling or wat, whatever. U r giving yourself another thing to dwell about whenever he makes a comment, major or minor. In the end, you are still walking in circle.

At this point of time, pls do not blame yourself on any of his wrongdoings anymore. If u think u r at fault at 1st, then? If hes really sick with you, then? Are u going to go for plastic surgery to be a sex goddess? Or change to anything which he wanted you to be? No way you know...

U giving the relationship a year's time? I rather that one year you give to yourself instead. In case of another big blow again, start learning on how to live without him.

I dunno your defination of love towards him. If I were in the same situtation, I will love him no matter what he does, probably I will turn a blind eye towards watever he did outside. As long as he still come back at the end of the day, I am contented. Very stupid la.. so? At least I still have him by my side. But I am not going to do that, I will not accept, I will behave like what you are now because I think I am so stupid to believe there is this thing call everlasting love. Am so stupid when this man betrayed me. It will became a hatred in me, I want him to be in my view at all times, I want him to be sorry and pick my shattered pieces up and mend again. Frankly speaking, for my HB's character, its easier if he get me changed. Save all the hassles.

13 years is a very long time, painful of course! It is like a big tumour living in you for 13 years turned cancerous. Going for operation to remove is definitely painful. But what happens when you are healed? You will be lively again issnt it?

I am not encouraging you to leave this bastard at this moment. No one will know if both of you can work out at the end of the day until both of you try. If you want to give this a chance, u cant control him at this point of time. He want to go out, let him go. Just dun make yourself too stress over this. U had already given him a chance. Whether he wants to treasure is up to him. If he wants to continue f**king around, you have a year to be stronger.

 

[jellyheart]

doll, what do you mean when you say it has to do with timing?

 

[infojunkie]

ok, giving it one last shot is reasonable enuff.

remember this date - February 08, 2011

it's D-Day.

make that day a fruitful day (i'm not kidding).

 

[star_dust]

ha.. very goal oriented.

anyway, i voiced out my concerns regarding why that woman gave him up so easily. he finally told me he'd given them 5k to leave us alone. she's asked for 20k initially. what a woman! i really dont know what has gone into his head to get involved with a woman like that. i really feel for her daughters, why do ppl like that have children in the first place? i really hope her daughters have more backbone than their mother.

he told me please never to call them, otherwise he'd have given them the money for nothing. he's also pledged on our sons' lives that he really has nothing to do with her anymore. he pleaded with me not to bring this topic up any more.

n anyway, i was out with my friend for dinner last night, and he called to ask if he could join his friends for a drink until i was ready to go home. i thought that was reasonable enough and he did sms me later on to let him know when i was going home so that he'll make his way home too. i think its impossible to control his outings because seriously, if he doesnt keep his network active, its equivalent to a serious drop in income. i dont know where to draw the line actually. i really hate to restrict him. i dont want to be vindictive and angry any longer. its too tiring and its not what i am.

i went to the guanyin temple yday and got a lot. for those who believein this, this is what the uncle told me.

i simply handed him that lot and told him i wanted advice on marriage. and the immediately told me i have to let things go. was rather stunned because all i said to him was simply 'marriage'. he said that our destinies are intertwined since our previous lives ,and that we are fated to be together in this life. i've owed him in the past and thus i have to return everything back to him now. he said that this marriage is very strong and a happy one, and i musnt give up easily. i've climbed the mountain up halfway, and i cannot back down, i have to be strong and keep going on.to get to the jade, one must endure arduous mining, and to get gold, one must pan dirt first. he told me not to talk so much anymore, just let things go and start anew. the marriage is up to me to make or break now.

 

[infojunkie]

对三生石畔的绛ç ä»™è‰æ›¾æœ‰çŒæº‰ä¹‹æ©çš„神瑛ä¾è€…，动了凡心下凡游历人间。绛ç ä»™è‰åŽä¿®ç‚¼æˆå¥³ä½“，闻讯亦éšä¹‹ä¸‹å‡¡ï¼Œæ‰“算把一生所有的眼泪还他。 。 。

hmm...

以别的还他çŒæº‰ä¹‹æ©å¥½äº†
别用泪水哦
切记。

 

[lisara]

stardust, i belong to a different faith/religion and don't believe in lots, but i hope what that uncle told you will come true for you. Sometimes we just need that bit of assurance from something/someone "divine" to allow us the strength to go on.

Hope your husband's actions last night (ie, calling/sms you so that both of you will be home at around the same time) is the start of his way of showing that he is trying.

You don't sound like a horrible or unreasonable person and much as you say you don't know where to draw the line, i think perhaps drawing the line as your gut tells you or as you see fit would be the best to go by.

I really wish you all the best in working this out with your husband and that you both will enjoy the marriage as it should be. I am definitely not an advocate for divorce... and I am quite sure that if the time has come for you to decide that enough is enough, you will be able to leave him regardless... much like you were able to just leave on the night you found out. But up till then, I hope your love for him will be felt and appreciated by him and things will look up for both of you.

 

[lootcart]

I hope your HB already told you all the truth which ought to be told. 5K or 20K, what position the woman is in to ask for money? Your HB do not have anything threatening in her hands bah... If there is, she will extort $$ over and over again. Your HB might commit into silly mistakes again if "he doesnt want to hurt you".

Her daughters... You mean that woman had more than 1 daughter? Both daughters belongs to another man? Nothing to do with your HB? Better get this clear.

Since you had already made the decision, I seriously hope sunny days will come soon. There could be more truth underneath but since you already decided to give a chance, dun poke into the past anymore. The only thing is to ask him whether if there anything you should know by this point of time.

Its not easy to put the fresh hurt behind so fast. You have to constantly remind yourself that its over and hes already been granted a chance. Focus on how he treasures this chance instead.

I believe in those divines BUT I only let them be a reference nia. I dont exactly heed God's advise all the time unless it makes sense. I guess this is not a bad lot afterall since it sounds positive.

Meantime, be smart too. Do return to the workforce soon and get yourself occupied. Open yourself to choices. Not necessary that it has to be a new man. New hobby, new interest or new job. Something which deserves your focus other than your HB. Dun forget to balance up too.

Good luck to you babe.

 

[powder]

stardust,

there's some things i wanna say, but i think at this point, it might be better for me not to say them. i just hope that as more truths are unravelled - that u understand that u believed them becos u had nowhere else to go within your mind but to believe nomatter how ludicrous it is as a 3rd party looking in...

sincerely, wish u all the best. u take good care and always treasure your life.

 

[confused09]

dear stardust,


our own minds are all that exist.

eventually we have to take accountability.

no one else is responsible for making us feel the way we feel, or making us choose what we choose.

we are independent of others. you are independent of others.

heard this song yesterday and thought of you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9c-4z5H43F0

take care, keep it real and be happy.

 

[miloice]

"Meantime, be smart too. Do return to the workforce soon and get yourself occupied. Open yourself to choices. Not necessary that it has to be a new man. New hobby, new interest or new job. Something which deserves your focus other than your HB. Dun forget to balance up too."

fully agree. Take your focus off your marriage and spend time on other aspects that you have neglected all these while. Find back the balance and you will rekindle the meaning in your life.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"doll, what do you mean when you say it has to do with timing?"

When we are in a hurry to excuse, forgive, and/or help our spouse in one of those sticky situations, it could impede true repentance and healing from happening.

 

[bonie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGmrxDpbOyU&amp;feature=related

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
by Patty Smyth
----------------------------------------

Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus)

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)

And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No.

 

[jellyheart]

anyone who goes to the temple and asks about marriage, the uncle can apply this advice to all. when you have a problem, you'll always think it's amazing how well it applies to you.

"immediately told me i have to let things go"
- obviously if you go all the way to the temple to ask about marriage, something must be bothering you, something you're holding in your heart. so let things go.. definitely true

"all i said to him was simply 'marriage'"
- that's really enough for him to know you're having marital problems, of which causes are usually the same (cheating, harboring ill feelings, distrust etc)

"he said that our destinies are intertwined since our previous lives"
- intertwined destinities were created when you got married, so you'll always be eager to believe this has been since your previous life.

"and that we are fated to be together in this life"
- no reason for a married couple not to believe that

my only gripe is when the "uncle" says this to you:

"i've owed him in the past and thus i have to return everything back to him now."

- you have NO IDEA what this will do to you if you take this seriously. IF he does cheat again, are you going to recall that you owe him in the past and so this is your "punishment"?


"he said that this marriage is very strong and a happy one, and i musnt give up easily."

- simply common sense, he knows exactly what you want to hear, if not why look for hope at the temple?

"i've climbed the mountain up halfway"
- of cos, married already and living half your married life... if not halfway then?

"and i cannot back down, i have to be strong and keep going on."

- again the encouragement you are hoping to hear

"to get to the jade, one must endure arduous mining, and to get gold, one must pan dirt first."
- a very romanticised way to help you cope wiht the current pain

"the marriage is up to me to make or break now"
- needless to say, as there are only 2 of you in the marriage and if one doens't want to continue, then it cannot

I know you are in pain, but pls don't jump at any chance to delude yourself that your husband cheated because of forces beyond his control. In this case, you want to believe it's due to encounters in your past life etc. There's no harm in believing it if it helps you cope with the hurt now, but pls don't use this "intertwined destiny past life thing" as an excuse to forgive him again in the future should things repeat themselves.

Good luck!!

 

[star_dust]

whenever i recall all the things that he said to me in the past year, his behaviour, my stupidly firm trust in him, i find myself in a whirl. the past year seem to be a dream, but yet when i see my baby, he reminds me of the hell i went through - the hell my husband put me through. i know it wasnt bb's fault, but he is a living reminder of the days and nights that i took so much energy to scrape by. its so difficult to forget. whenever i lie in bed at night preparing to go to sleep, i'm reminded of the nights i cried through my pillow wishing my hubby was home with me. i turn to taking a drink or two to knock my consciousness out so that i could go to sleep faster. even as he's spending extra time and effort with me and our family now, somewhere deep in the recess of my mind dwells the reality that one day this effort will fizzle out..

from now on, every year, on my birthday, i'll recall that he spent time with her telling her all the things that were supposed to be reserved for me. telling her how he cannot bring himself to touch me any longer, that he doesnt love me anymore, that he's only in the marriage for the kids. every year, on our anniversary day, i'll be grieving for the innocent love we once had and now lost.

he doesnt want to be reminded of this episode, so fine - i wont talk about it to him any longer. but my mind and heart is going to need a longer time to heal themselves.

i could have gotten a lot that is negative - telling me to forget this marriage- that it wasnt meant to be - that no matter how much i work at it, he's going to do me wrong again.

i could have gottan a lot that is totally positive, telling me that i dont have to do a thing - things will work themselves out. that itsgoing to be a breeze getting over this.

but i didnt. of course i wont let that lot dictate my whole life. alot of things must be achieved through my own effort. but i'm just waiting for time, time and time. meanwhile of course i wont be a sitting duck. i'll be busy soon i hope, building up my career once more, and also developing my sons to be morally upright and strong in mind and character.

although now i still cry whenever it hits me. and the images of them pop into my head again and again. but i must say i do think i handled this pretty well. i deserve a pat - thousands of pats- on my back for being able to stand up again and again and again, and still being strong enough to deal with the aftermath. maybe this actually revealed to me how strong a person i was and am.

 

[miloice]

stardust, I'm already seeing the positives in your last paragraph. What failed to bring you down will make you stronger. Hang in there. It will be tough but u will get through it. Focus on the positives, it will be like waves with the highs and lows.

You will appreciate the highs with the lows to remind you.

 

[lootcart]

I'll give u the 1st pat!

Good luck!

 

[star_dust]

hi all,
hope everyone is having a great start to the new year. =)

just want to post a little update. yday i contemplated divorce. i totally forgot to wash and iron his pants for the new year, and when he asked for them, they were still in the bag that i brought back after sending them for alteration. he looked extremly unhappy and mumbled 'what sort of wife are you'. i told him these pants were due for collection the day i left home, after i returned, i was in a daze and distracted - where would i have the mood to remember them? i just collected them and left them aside, thinking i'd get to them later. but it completely slipped my mind.

he became rather defiant and said ' i know i had another girl outside and i hurt you. i already said sorry, what more do youw want?!' i started to tear and he get even more agitated and begged me to stop and dont start this again.

i was very hurt at his words and his insensitivity, and i was moody the whole day, but yet had to still smile and pretend things were ok although i was imagining if i could live without custody of my kids - they were very important to him and perhaps he would let me leave if i chose to leave them with him - i wanted to leave THAT badly to even consider giving up my kids whom i live more than life itself.

he was cold the whole day too and we only began speaking in the evening. my mil noticed i was looking moody and asked if everything was ok. i of course said okay.

i consulted my friend abt this issue, and she replied my sms with 'he prob feels he's trying to get his family life back to normal by brushing everything away, which is prob the way he handles his problems. now, he's feeling horrid that he's unable to soothe your emotional and hence he retaliates by being nasty and sarcastic....'

which does make some sense.towards the end of the day we were back to normal. my friend also suggested waiting to start our counselling before making any major decisions.

i realise i feel very low these couple of days, and thoughts of them together are persistent in my head. i hope i'll perk up again soon.

 

[simpleman]

As I said, give yourself more time...

It really depends on what you want. If you really want to work at the marriage - then it is important that you have handle these situation.

He is at a stage that he feels he just want to get over things - it is natural for him. At the same time, you need more time to get over it.

Just have a tacit understanding that both of you need to be more understanding and accommodating. He cannot just assume that you can get over it so quickly. On the other hand, you have to realize that he wants things to be "back to normal" as soon as possible - and not wanting you to tear and all.

When the tension is there - it is good just to be a more tolerant and walk away.

As much as you may feel aggrieved and unfair that you have to accommodate him you have to realize that that is the little price you have to pay if you want to work on the marriage.

If you want to save the marriage you have to look at the positive and build on it. Not to dwell on what that has happened.

 

[joiedevivre]

I guess your husband felt that you didn't iron his pants on purpose, just to "punish" him...

Your friend is right... Wait till counselling starts before deciding anything...

My feeling is... your husband himself also has problems moving on and getting over what happened... The counselling may be able to help both of you move on from the anger caused by the affair...

Meanwhile, you should stand your ground. If you've honestly forgotten to do certain things, just explain to him and that's it. Don't bother arguing or over-explaining if he tries to provoke you with sarcastic remarks. Just say simply, "Sorry I really forgot" and walk away.

If you can, please don't cry in front of him. Men really don't know how to handle emotional women... This is a sensitive time for both you and him. When you cry, he will jump to conclusions and think it is because you're not willing to move on and want to make life difficult for him. So be as emotionless as possible in front of him.

 

[powder]

with the amount of patience n tolerance u've shown him for his indiscretions, and his current reaction due to his expectation of IMMEDIATE AMNESIA to what has transpired...

i'm thinking if u should even try. this is one man whom u will allow to step all over u, all your life, and when u die, i seriously dun see him attending your funeral nor making any efforts in organizing one.

i will tell u what i want to tell u without reservations now... he WILL NOT mourn for u when u die, he will not be there for u when u lose the ability to walk, when u've had a stroke, when u've had a heart attack, when u'r in the wheelchair. he WILL NOT be the one to push the wheelchair.

if u want such a person as your husband, i won't even wish u luck anymore. neither will i be there to say i told u so...

i dun give a damn how many pple encourage u here to work on your marriage or to hold on, i dun give a damn about u wanting to hold on...

this man WILL NOT be there for u. u're more likely to have me responding to your calls for help than him.

 

[infojunkie]

u actually allow an often unavailable hubby/dad, compulsive gambler, habitual liar, shameless cheater to say - "what sort of wife are you" - to u... just becos u forgot to wash and iron his pants?

the long-suffering u should be asking him the same qtn - just what sort of husband r u?

a gd lover?

a gd husband?

a gd father?

u ought to know by now that he's a MOFO.

 

[joiedevivre]

Men only want three things: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMXPk0FSjGQ

A video about how simple men really are...

You know what? Just leave the effing pants and all the other things that you do for him that he can actually do himself.

Why should you have to do those things for him? I think you really spoilt your man rotten, to the point that he takes you for granted.

 

[ginasjm]

Hi Stardust

I totally agree with Powder's post above.

This is just the beginning. It's all about him. You will expect more nonsense from him. This im sure.

If he cares about your feelings, he wouldn't have committed adultery in the first place and now expects you to disregard everything. You are not a robot, you have all the rights to feel and react to your feelings.
One thing, please don't expect any sensitivity to be happening to you from him. Throughout your postings, i have not once sense any part of him thinking, "how about my wife?" in everything he says and does. I see you getting abused by him over and over again, and you allowed him to.

When a man change, he's gone. The person whom you loved for the last 13 years is gone. Only you are still standing in the same old spot but he's already gone. The only thing constant about life is change. Previously you were very confident about him not cheating on you cos you've known him for 13 years, but in the end, you realized that he's become a total stranger, someone you don't know what's in his mind anymore. True love is not measured by the length of time as one forummer pointed out.

For me personally, I know I mean the world to my hubby. I have the faith that i am the only woman he loves and he will never do anything to hurt me. I know when I die, he will mourn for me, and a part of him will be gone too. I know he will not betray me when he goes on business trip cos I know he loves me too much to hurt me. For me this is the man i am married to. How about you? What kind of man do you want to spend your life with? A man to bring you smile and sweetness to your heart? Looking into your eyes and telling you that he loves you so much before bedtime? Telling you this is where he wants to be in life and he can't imagine life without you? Holding your hands and reminds you that he loves you when you are all hooked up to hospital machine? This is my hubby. Telling you all these is to remind that you deserve more and PLEASE raise your expectations of your husband.

A husband is there to take care of you physically and mentally and to fulfill the promise he's made to you and himself that he will always take care of you, and love you always - the marriage vow.

One of the closest man in my life treated his wife just like your husband is treating you.

My past relationships, I come to know that alot of guys who are very superficial and full of talks. Your husband belongs to one of them. Remember he kneeled down to beg you home just not too long ago. What is he doing to you now? Killing you slowly. Sorry, his acts are too superficial to me. I won't buy them.

Stardust, choose the life you want. Think about what have you husband been giving you? Joy or heartache? Choose what you want for yourself.

Doing everything for husband, bearing kids for him do not always end up in appreciation. He can be very heartless.

 

[confused09]

dear stardust,


it sounds like a stressful living situation for both parties, if everything he says and does, big or small affects you so severely.

it is okay to cry/scream/emote for effect in order to achieve desired results or reactions.

but when our own emotional health is easily affected, especially by forces beyond our control, it may be time to look inward.

now may be a good time to start being responsible for your actions and feelings.

there is only so far one can go with the blame game. imo it gets old rather quickly and it's emotionally exhausting to participate in. negativity feeds on negativity. it festers and sometimes we allow ourselves to get caught up in it.

i believe we are responsible for our happiness and sadness. love isn’t placing it all in the hands of the one we want to love.

i strongly believe that one should focus on developing and securing their own foundation before attempting to fix their relationships with others... be it parents, spouse or friends.

this one's on you. not him. just my 2 cents worth.

you’re on the right track when you first opened to the idea of seeing a therapist.

so hang in there.

 

[carrot_carrot]

Not sure if any of you still recall this blog somewhere in 2007 (If I remembered correctly) by a lady whereby she blog about her lovely relationship with her hubby and subsequently her pregnancy and the pain of discovering her hubby involving with another woman.

 

[jellyheart]

Yes that lady was a good friend of mine. But now looking back she feels at least he had the courage to admit he no longer loved her anymore and left her for good.

Anyhow, I feel stardust has made a poor decision to stay with this man. Whether proud, naive, some weird notion of love, sacrifice... watever it is. He is neither sincere nor honest and obviously blames her for wanting to fix this marriage and dragging him into it with "no choice"

One of the worst guys any girl can hope to marry. I agree with powder who has stated the obvious. If she's struck with any illness etc and needs round the clock care and attention, he will be the first to scram.

 

[ginasjm]

but if her hubby gets sick and needs her care, she'll be there.

 

[star_dust]

hello all,
i value all your frank views and opinions, but i hope in time to come, he'll prove that i was right in giving him another chance. he made a grave mistake, one that almost cost him his wife and kids, and possible even his parents. to cover himself, he had to cover one lie with another. it resulted in such a huge snowball effect that i'm still reeling from the aftershocks.

we went for our first appt together as a couple, and dr suspects he has ADHD. symptoms were very spot on. impulsive, unreasonable at times. inability to control emotions and behaviour although he knows very well its wrong. inability to deal with mundane affairs and daily chores...etc.

he told dr that the affair began because he pitied that woman - turned out how wrong he was. that woman needed no pity, she was more than capable of taking care of herself and her family - snag stupid men who willingly falls for her mechanisms. she doesnt have anything to lsoe - not even her morals since she doesnt have any in the first place.

he told dr that he wanted to stop the affair very early on, but she blackmailed and threatened him and he had to keep her happy because the only thing he wanted was to keep me from finding out. he said he started this because of the excitement, and he was bored of his life with me. but now he regrets his actions and he only wants us to forget this whole incident and move on.

so now if he's diagnosed with ADHD, he'll require medication. so avocadoaddict,you're right on this point. if he's sick and needs my care, i;ll be there for him. no doubts about that - willingly and faithfully.

as for powder's thoughts - i fear its true too. he'll be available to buy me things and get me comfortable. but to sit with me and hold my hand the whole day? i'm not too sure. and if i die, i know he'll cry for me and miss me. but i dont know for how long.

but i know that if his condition gets treated - he'll be there for me too. for now, its my turn to hold his hand until things get better.

 

[infojunkie]

oh well, the doc thinks he has ADHD... so now he needs further tests to confirm diagnosis rite? does taking a lie detector test part of the diagnostic exercise? how abt getting a 2nd opinion from another doc?

and dun be too quick to push all the blame to the 3rd party based on one-sided statements. for all u know, it's just another tale concocted to save someone's skin...

i dun mean to be crude, but i see u won't stop till ur tears run dry...

well, be lucky.

 

[margret]

Stardust, I wish u all the best. if there is really medicine to treat him, then it might really turn out good for u and your family.

But don't expext too much from the first appt. u have to really see whether he will go for the future sessions d diligently and if he does more truth might surface. It not easy for the Dr to know him on the first time

 

[ckgal]

another excuse for him to cover up for being unfaithful.

 

[its_fate]

Stop poking her "Bubble World"... Life will be meaningless if this Bubble burst...

So be it since she chose to live life with minimun dignity. That's her choice ok.

 

[powder]

stardust,

the chances of u WANTING to believe that he has ADHD to totally abolish all blame and logic - is very very high. the chances of him having ADHD is actually very low... and i mean Real ADHD, not suspected, not assumed, not anything but an actual diagnosis with 2nd/3rd opinion confirmation.

whether or not he has it as a kid, or in the dating stages, or thruout the marriage will be the key factors - i personally feel. if he had been normal thruout, can indulge in gambling and other vices, and then screw around, treat u like sh!te,... it's called a Bad Husband.

sorry, but u have been giving all these scenarios of what he did, all basically negative and there's hardly any positives out of this... in the same breath - u have been clutching to straws and grabbing every reason/excuse to make him faultless...

even if he has ADHD or he's schizo... i see no point in more youth/life being wasted. u should simply admit that u absolutely cannot let go of him... u can get close, but there'll always be a last min thing to pull yourself back in.

he hasn't been diagnosed yet, and u're already treating it like a fact. since u need to believe it that much, then u dun have to diagnose... just take it for a fact that he has, throw in schizoprenia and u'll have the perfect reason to stay and nurse him whilst he continually treats u like shite... it's not his fault, that's what u want anyway...

nothing beats fcuking around and then have your spouse go "awww, u poor thing, u have ADHD... i'll take care of u".

ya rite... this will be the secret weapon of men against women... and the weapon of women who can't leave abusive relationships and wanna believe they didn't marry a complete asshole, but a gentleman who is afflicted by disease to turn into an asshole periodically...

 

[its_fate]

Alamak!!! Don’t you guys get it??!! She is just in here to RANT and nothing else!! She does not require any of the care/concern or a piece of advice. It just WE for being overly helpful to “standby†her all these while. *smack forehead*

She is blinded by the facts she proclaimed. If she wants to behave like “something†that “wagged†its tail which the hubby called out for, so be it lor! =)

 

[triquetra]

As I've pointed out in my previous post, stardust behaves like a masochist and is painfully unself-aware to know what is going on.

This thread has been going on for 7 months with no indication on TS's part that she is doing anything PROACTIVE to solve the problem, other than giving many excuses for the husband, up to the recent development of pushing all blame to a "speculative" diagnosis of ADHD.

Hopeless case with no end in sight. Good luck to TS and her miserable life to come.