Infidelity in a husband

[michie66]

Eggtart, yes very bu she de to this marriage. Somehow i am convince myself they are just good friend there is really nothing between both of them, I know i am very silly. If now he can come and admit everything to me and ask for my forgiveness i will forgive him. But he is not, he said i have been know him for so long why i cannot trust him?
I really don't have courage to stop our marriage. Can i seek for marriage counsellor? Is it a good idea?

 

[mesa]

Michie66, in my situation, i did have hard evidence on hand, my husband and the woman went on a trip too, i could totally relate to yr situation. When i knew abt all that, i was faced with the choice, confront and filed for divorce or bid my time, wait till my child is born then observe and make a decision. It was my darkest moment in life, also when i became stronger learning from this situation. Looking at the innocence and happiness of my kid and not wanting to traumatize the unborn one with stress and negativity, i embark on healing and recovery mysely while my husband continued with his new found happiness and connection. I tried dropping hints in the earlier stage but he is in constant denial. His mentality is that he is coming home to sleep, he is doing his dd duties during wkend, wjat more do i want. His feelings for me has changed, it is a fact! with all these staring rite into my face, i had to b very strong and indepandant emotionally, my kids depend on me... I guess we may not need to wait for the guy to decide, i decided for myself how i want to move forward.

Powder, u definately have your head on yr shoulders with very sound advice. So far i am still inclined to think my husband will not leave me and kid and unborn child homeless. Financially, i am earning decent to provide for them, but housing factor was not part of my consideration. Yes, now i am trying to lead back my life where i was laughing alot more. Should he eventually turn back one day, yes, i guess the choice will b mine to take him back or not. For now till then, My kids will definately see the love in mummy and nurture them to my best effort.

 

[michie66]

Eggtart, i think i am not brave enough to end our marriage, my parents didnt know about this as i don't want them worried me since they are very old already, i could only pretend nothing happen in front of them.


Dear samantha, i really admire your courage to keep your marriage on going. I am grateful that
we don't have any kid yet. Yes, this is a darkest moment in my life, all along i thought i am the happist woman since i met him, everytime when i think of all his promises to me when we were dating it brought tears to my eyes & is very pain on my heart.

 

[powder]

i've seen this more than a fair bit with lady frens over the years... the thing is, for relationships and marriages, the scenarios repeat themselves ever so often becos of the way our local environment is, whereby your housing, span for divorce, and other aspects have pretty much been dictated and 'fixed'. at least in the last 5yrs, housing was less an issue... but just abt 10yrs ago, alot of pple could not divorce becos they would incur losses on hdb that they can ill-afford.

one thing though, there's always a slight possibility that he can divorce u, marry that girl, and still contest u for your kid... u Have To consider that. just remember that where u guys can't find amicable solutions - u will bear legal costs that may cripple u. i have a fren who insisted that her husband will not contest for the kid... but she failed to foresee that her ex-husband's parents would vehemently fight for their grandchild...

anticipation is Key even if u dun wanna believe that some things that u dun expect to happen, will happen.

thing is, if u know u are a good person... there is no harm holding all the options in your hand, than to leave a percentage for those who may not be as gracious. and ending up hoping for mercy and goodness...

but i shan't push too hard... i know very well that when it comes to such matters, some ladies will still make the same emotional mistakes... that's life.

 

[sgbabydoll]

A person bent on suicide will not go around announcing his or her intended death.

If he is truly remorseful, he won't be blackmailing and manipulating you.

 

[audkit]

wow. you are amazing! stay happy, life is too short to dwell on unhappy stuffs. baby's health more impt. jia you!

 

[mesa]

thanks powder, harsh as some of your words may seems, but they are extrememly objective and factual. I guess for me when it comes to the kids, my heart turns mushy when i see how he commits to his dd duties and the way he dotes on her. He has previously commented to not contesting for the kids in the event we are headed towards divorce, but you are right, it is only verbal and who knows by the time the situation comes, what ugly scenes may present itself.

Reading more information, it seems like Singapore law does not punalise the adulterer. There is not much justice for the wife left with children, broken and hurt. I will definately continue to explore my options that will protect myself, the kid and the unborn one in the worst case scenario.

Meanwhile, we continue to exist in harmony and amicable status in the family. On some days when I do know that he is having his time off and rendezvous with that woman outside, my emotions will drive to all time high state. It is really tough but I am hanging on keeping my sanity and head on my shoulders firmly.

eggtart, no worries about posting in the same thread. this thread is for all out there to share on infidelity problems with husband out there. Especially infidelity husband that thinks they have ignorant wives at home that is so blissfully ignorant of their tyrst outside....

 

[mesa]

michie66, i think we are in very similar situation with the exception of kids in my case. for my husband, he is also in constant denial of his relationship with the other woman, before I really had hard evidence and found out the truth, I was also convincing myself to believe that they are just very good frens who could chat very well, connect at platonic level, confidante kind. But i was so so silly, only when there was hard evidence staring at me in the face, was I willing to face up to the truth, my husband has strayed, he has so totally betrayed the trust I had in him and our marriage vows when we made that decision years ago.

Like you, whenever I think of our happy days during dating and early days of marriage, his promises to me, to handle his heart with care etc etc, it just so breaks my heart. Sometimes, these thoughts still brings tears to my eyes, but I have to keep telling myself, those days are over, I have to be strong now, learn to be indepandant for my kids. My bottomline, I still hope to work our marriage out eventually, but I will not let myself get hurt again. In this process of healing, I am also toughing my heart along the way.

 

[nichie]

What actually the man wants and thinking when they decided to betray their spouse? Man in all sorts if scenario do it, with kids and wife pregnant, just married, going to marry and they have know their partner for so many years! Sometime I was thinking what is the purpose of getting married? It will not prove or guarantee anything, there is no forever love and people change. What keep a man faithful to his wife? It seem like any type of man can betray when there are sufficient temptation and allurement….I once told my bf that if at a time he fell for another woman and don’t love me anymore, please don’t hide from me, I will be grateful and wish him well. Even its for fun and no love in between with that girl, I don’t believe in giving chances even he repent and I wont reconcile with a man who once betrayed by trust for him, it will never be the same again. I don’t want to live a life of suspicion and whatever loving words or promises from his mouth will sound so hypocrite and fake.

 

[leibit]

It's just so funny. The married & philandering one, if ever divorce and marry again, won't he/she be back to Square One again? When the claim about so-called love and romance are actually just so fragile? One who's constantly in need of excitement and change in life will never be satisfied. Why? Because human do fail. We aren't saints. We can't be hopelessly romantic and lovey-dovey all time while fulfilling all aspects of this harsh reality of life. Or perhaps what these married and philandering ones wanted are just some mannequin from the movie 'The Stepford Wives'. What a joke.

 

[miloice]

michie66, i was almost in that situation before my marriage. The thing is, not all guys are used to women that take the initiative. Its very tempting for a guy when for the 1st time, its not him taking the proactive initiative but a hot babe that is surely appealing dropping the hints and checking him out and dating him. I did seriously consider the possibility of a well thought plan to keep both gf and new gal in the dark and just enjoy the moment. Its not that I'm not a committed partner. I pamper my partner a lot.

Thankfully, I didn't take that step eventually. Sam, its not true that I didn't love nor serious with my relationship then. The temptation is there despite being very much in a serious relationship. We have our urges and temptations. No marital status is going to change that.

However, the more one learn to exercise self control, the better they get with it. The more one indulges in their temptations, the weaker they fall to it. For me, each time a new temptation comes, its in a different form. It could come in form of just friends, brotherly concern or colleagues. It all can develop into something. As much as gfs and wives fear this, its something only the man himself can learn to manage. If a man totally fails, there isn't much a woman can do to prevent it. No spying, controlling, micro management of his time etc can stop it. The selection process, quality of communication and relationship itself are strong elements to build a fruitful marriage. But, its never a guarantee. Nothing is for sure. If it happens, it happens. We just learn to deal with them as it comes. Life goes on.

Hang in there.

 

[powder]

yup, adultery isn't a crime, so it's not punishable in the way we would want, nor is there judgment made based on fair/unfair TO YOU... that is all emotional.

just dun allow your position to be jeopardised simply basing on trust n beliefs, when it is with the same person who would be in contention with u.

i cannot tell u how many pple get screwed in life thinking, "he/she won't do that to me".... it is definitely substantial enough for me to keep repeating this.

i only wish u the best. and if your husband was a personal good fren of mine, i would advise u the same... we have to be objective where we need to protect children and pple who do not have the ability to protect themselves.

 

[mesa]

Milo, my husband once told me nothing is for sure in this world, nothing is guaranteed. I guess it is a way of saying, do not take things for granted. Yes, in this marriage, I had fallen into the comfy routine and taken him for granted. After going through this ordeal, I learnt that marriage still needs love and concern, still needs nurturing, and definately not taking each other for granted. I have slowly learnt to appreciate some of the dd duties and things he do for the kid in a different light. For a woman, alot of things we do are maternal instincts, but it may not be the same for him. For a guy, he is going out of his way to discipline and dote on the kid, but I just took it for granted back then. With the unborn baby on the way, if he is still sticking it out to do his dd duties, it speaks alot for me of him. I guess that is why I am giving our marriage a 2nd shot at trying to reconcile instead of showdown and divorce.

I can only wish my husband has the same self control and discipline like you did. If he can learn something out of this affair that he has, resist temptation, exercise self control in future, then I guess we will have a shot of our marriage. Will it be too late eventually when the affair ends, even I do not know much as I wish the answer to be NO. For now, all my resolutions are to hang in there, to forgive and work out our marriage. It is an uphill task as he still does not know that I am aware of his infidelity... he cannot appreciate the things that I am doing for the family living with the pain and torment of knowledge of his affair.

powder, i can hear your concern to protect myself, my kid and the unborn one if the worst happen. if the law does not even do so, how do we go about with that. any advice?

eggtart, yes, actually no one arounds me knows my situation except for this wise old fren. it will be hard for family and frens to forget the incident if we reconcile one day. how is my husband going to face my family and frens when we have family events or friends gathering. in a way, all these thoughts hold me back. this forum is a way for me to voice my thoughts aloud and share on experiences

 

[powder]

advice-wise, just keep the shelter at all costs. find a good time to make him promise u the right thngs, and to act on them... it is delicate and sensitive.

he might be a good man, but remember that his parents/new gfren - could have influence on his decisions. and he can be a father without u.

with those in mind, u would be able anticipate the worst-cases. there are cases where u need to plan for the worst... Murphy's Law is there for a reason.

 

[michie66]

samantha, for the first time when i find out he keeping me the things between him & the so call good friend, i did told all my closed friends & family. But after i forgave him, i realised that my close friends couldn't really accept and trying to avoid him even say something bad behind him. I was in difficult situation at that times.
Again, when i found out those photos they taken together and knew that they went for overseas trip, i didn't tell any friend exept my sister. I have the same thinking with you that it will be hard for them to forget and accept him again if we reconcile one day. I can only pretend nothing was happen again.

Outcast, i did told my husband before we married if he fell for another woman and no longer love me anymore, please do not keep from me. End up he still cheated on me. And yet still insist they are just very good friend.
Seriously i do not have any hard evidence shows that they having affair but by seeing those photos & knowing 2 of them went for overseas trip together, who will believe they are just good friend?

Sometimes he does do his part as a husband and show his conerns when i was sick. I can only wish he will regret one day and come back to me. Though i know they are still contacting each other but i pretend i know nothing. See how long i can endure...

 

[miloice]

sam, its always the 1st mistake. Falling for the 1st that leads to the next. Lies cover more lies... and missing the trill and excitement of the forbidden fruit. Its more than just the physical as well. When the emotional involvement is there, it gets harder to pull away.

Just as why some gamblers can lose all their money while others can remain disciplined with it throughout the yrs.

 

[mesa]

Milo, for some men most likely my husband included, forbidden fruit must taste the sweetest. The excitement of an affair and young girl who can fulfil his desire totally made him forgot on our marriage vows of staying faithful in a marriage. Yes, once he started lying, he has to use more lies to cover the previos lies. After i knew exactly of the situation, my heart chills at how he could lie with such a straight face. Sometimes sometimes i just cannot control myself by rolling my eyeballs in disbelief, it was my only way of retaliation although i told myself to forgive and move on. Now, i think i am able to do that much better on this road of forgiveness....

Michie and eggtart, yes, yr close frens and family will not b able to forget and forgive as easily as u can as they did not go thru that road of love and dating with yr husband

 

[mesa]

Powder, even though i ask him for any promises now, will that be able to hold thru when the worst happens? Will verbal agreement stand in legal terms? yes, i guess he can b a father without me, but i have always been having difficult pregnancy, it has always never been easy for me thru out the entire nine mths, he could see that. Tats why i ask that he shld not contest for the kids wif me.

Michie and eggtart, hang in there, u can always vent in this thread as non of us knows yr husbands. I have gotten some very sound advice from the forumers here, thats what sharing experience is all about

 

[powder]

sam,

that's pure emotion isnt't it? dun let it blind u... this is no different than pple who studied super hard and sacrificed alot of their youth during their academic pursuit... and expecting to be reaping rewards for the rest of their lives... but most of them are just simple employees til this day.

many pple in this life deserve something better... for their sufferings, their sacrifices, their hardwork... but u and i know that there's no guarantees except the last episode of the serial. else in real life, u can end nowhere, just wasted youth and a lost life...

 

[tsunami]

I beg to differ from some of the sterotyping here about mistresses. From what I know, mistresses aren't always younger and physically more attractive. They can be an ex or old flame of a close age range.. In other words, it could be a full blown emotional affair which may have led to having kids and a second family together..

It would be unwise to play out the patience game silently without any backup plans for you and your kids in the hopes that he will turn back and love you the same. Some changes in a rs may not reverse even with the best effort from all parties involved.

The mistress could well be financially independent or equally pregnant now.. She has nothing to lose and all the time in the world if she already acknowledges your husbands marital status. Where would that leave you? There's much you'll never know unless your husband confirms it with you. Even when you confront him, how much will he really share? Do consider powder's suggestion and discern whats critical at the moment. Your children are still young and will depend on you for many years to come should your husband decide to live with the other woman.

Also.. an affair isnt about you vs the other woman. Making her the target you pitch yourself against may not improve the situation with your husband. The fact is an affair involves 3 parties. If you're the angel, the other woman a witch, what about your husband? Sometimes, its the husband who cant let go of the affair..

I hope you're not just holding things in for the sake of your unborn baby but seriously focused on seeing things in a more objective light so you'll have a better time coping with your emotions. The past may or may not relive itself despite your best efforts. Things may or may not work out in your favour. But take care, do all thats necessary to protect yourself and the kids, live and love your life well even right now. Your kids and unborn baby will be able to sense it and be happy for you too no matter life may bring.

 

[miloice]

tsunami, is there selective reading on your side?? I don't think anyone is targeting the 3rd party specifically here. This thread is about dealing the realization of an affair and not some witch hunting nor fault finding.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, Tsunami just pointed out that TOW may not be just some SYT that the husband play with and leave behind when the wife finds out. She may well be someone the husband chooses over the wife when push comes to shoove. So, it is not true that patience and forgiveness will always pay off like what drama serials set out to be.

 

[mesa]

powder, guess i will bid my time, wait for an opportunity that I can ask for housing and kids custody from my husband. you are right, nothing is more important than having a roof over my head and the kids with me. not sure how to go about doing that now, but that will be my utmost priority and will play my cards accordingly if opportunity arises.

tsunami, in my situation, I know exactly where i stand. the other woman is someone that my husband get to know from working place, she is way younger than my husband ~10+ years and yes, she acknowledges my husband maritial status with one kid in tow and an unborn one on the way, she is well aware of the situation, but being young and single, she has no qualms about being the other one i guess, or maybe my husband encourages her by telling her that his marriage problems were all there before her existance! She does not need to feel guilty being the other woman as it is not her fault. I was reading some of the previous posting and they were all so true, half the stories the man share about their marriage problems are not true, they are most likely looking for empathy and excitment of an affair with someone new and exciting instead of the boring wifey that just takes care of the kids and family at home.

bottomline, I can hear alot of advice given here on how to better protect myself & my kids in my road of recovery here. Emotions aside, good ole days aside, practicality is the key word at the end of the day

 

[tsunami]

hi sam, I'm sorry about the difficult situation you're in. I guess the intention of my post was to try explain that you can never really know for sure what the story is between TOW and a cheating husband. Instead of draining your positive energy on that.. Why not prepare yourself for different possibilities and garner the mental and emotional strength needed to face the eventual..

Despite your current problems, I still wish you'll find the strength and peace to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.. Its a beautiful time in life and a pity to have it ruined by the affair. Take good care of yourself and try stay positive..

 

[watching]

Welcome back Tsunami, love your nick !

 

[jojer]

hi sam,

i am almost in the same situation as u right now.But diff is TOW came knocking on my door one day to confront me.I dunno what's going to happen next but We must stay strong for the kids no matter what happens. Pls take care of urself and ur unborn child.

 

[star_dust]

Well I'm one typical example of husband carrying on an affair behind my back thru the duration while I was pregnant with our second child. Overseas trip? He took her to JB when he was supposed to be in camp for reservist, another to hong kong while I was in confinement.

Until now its been more than a year since I exposed their affair and he left her, certain things I see will remind me of it, certain songs even when I heard often during my pregnancy will remind me of it. Pain is still as sharp as if it's still happening, but at least I have a new direction in life, and I can see his effort in trying to build a new life together.

When it boils down to it, all it should matter to you is that are u certain that when you give him an ultimatum, will he know what he wants and is he willing to do what he has to do to keep you.

If u are uncertain of who he would choose, then don't waste your time and heart on a person who would never put you first.

For me there was never a question of who he would choose. I knew for sure he loved me and he would never want to lose me. And that he made a mistake for which he had to keep the ball rolling. Which I realized was why I decided to give my marriage a chance.

I reflected too much on myself then and what I did wrong, but sometimes it may be true that whatever decisions the spouse makes has nothing to do with what we think we did wrong. Give yourself credit for being the person you are. The ball is in his court now. Don't pretend to cover situations, and don't listen to what he has to say to explain whatever. He can lie once, he can lie about anything else to cover that one lie.

I suggest, tell him what you want him to do in order to keep you and the family. If he doesn't want to commit, and gives you loads of excuses, then I guess the next step is very easy.

I lived out his affair in silence, no one else knew or suspected there was something i was troubled about. Even till today, my parents has no inkling of it. I made some wrong decisions and i have to live with whatever choices I made.

Hubby and I have not totally settled the issue. It's like a time bomb.. We both know it's there and we try not to ignite it.. But we know it's there.
This is not the best way to handle it, but this is the best we can do at this point in time. He's giving me space and time to sort out my own acceptance, and i can see his efforts in tryin to be a better husband and a daddy to our children. Hopefully someday the time bomb will die out and we can remove it totally from our lives.

Don't suffer in silence. Stand up for yourself, otherwise no one can stand up for you. It's your husband, your family. If u aren't going to fight for it, then who will?

 

[pinkyn]

i'm in a happy maariage now but reading this thread reminds me not to take it for granted. I'm glad Stardust has found strength to move on.

 

[miloice]

stardust, u r finally seeing light in your situation. No so much abt the marriage but yourself. You have finally stopped giving him excuses and reasons to cling on to his lies and hope for the hopeless. Good for you. Take care.

 

[mesa]

stardust, I am glad to read your post. I think we are in the same exact situation. My husband started the affair during my first trimester and it is still going on now nearing my labour time. Yes, he lied to me too about overseas trip and invited the girl along. While he told me he needed time alone and self time, I gave him that option since I want to trust him and work our marriage out.

I am trying to heal myself in the path ahead, but you are right, the pain is constantly there as my husband is not aware that I know, so things are still going on. The affair continues each day.

One difference in my situation, if I give him an ultimatum, what will his decision be. I have played that scenario million times over, I know if you showdown, you must be prepared to accept the worst case. I am not sure if he will pick me and the kids. I know when u serve an ultimatum, you must be prepared for worst case scenario, in my situation, I am not prepared to live to that decision that he will leave. I have allowed myself to be too dependant on him during our years of marriage. To break free and fully shoulder the responsibilities of both kids and continue to be a working mum, I need to prep myself fully for that.

You know, when me and husband had our first showdown, I chanced upon sms-es that seem to suggest there is something going on. I had no hard evidence on hand, he was very rightous and insisted that there is nothing going on, just good friends who could chat, like a confidante and pple that he can connect with. But he felt that I was paranoid and told me that if I want to assume the worst, I can, and that the choice will be mine what I want to do, either way works for him. He will simply respect my decision how I want it to be. He left the ball in my court.

Along the way, with my heightened sensitivity, I finally had hard evidence on hand about his affair and what is really going on. He continues to insist to me that they are just good friends, the lies continues. That's the constant pain and torment I am living with today much as I concentrate on my kid happiness and taking care of myself for the unborn one. Like you, no one around me have any knowledge of what is happening.

 

[clipperjunk]

take a leaf out of sandra bullock's book, the moment she found out her husband's affair, she left the man together with her kid whom she recently adopted...granted that she didn't need him for support....

when she was just married to him, she was gushing all over him like a silly girl, but when it came to protecting herself, she didn't let herself down...

 

[lmat]

wow, this is truly like a gathering of strong women. i wish i have just as much courage. my husband and i have been living apart since last august, after i couldn't handle his affair with his colleague any longer. but when i finally went to a divorce lawyer, he asked me to drop it. said there's no affair anymore, and that he needs time to decide if he wants to save the marriage. i know, i should just walk away. but to drop an 11-year relationship seems like a shame. i am just in neutral gear now, waiting for i don't know what.

i hope eventually i find the courage to decide what's best for myself and take the plunge. i also hope i can lessen my love for someone who betrayed my trust.

u ladies are amazing. such strength and courage.

 

[star_dust]

eggtart,
I don't think anyone of us here can advise u on it because we do not know u, do not know your other half..
u just need to ask yourself r u able to handle it if u move on to marriage, and he turns out to be the same?
It's a gamble, don't place the bet if u know u cannot afford to lose it.

Milo,
It was a matter of time. I knew I needed time to sort out myself and to garner strength to find who I am. Once I found my strength and my life focus, it was just a matter of switching focus. But every now and then, just when I begin to allow myself to feel secure and contented and happy again, the thoughts of them comes back to haunt me.

Samantha,
I'm sure there will be lots of parallels in our situations. You don't have to force yourself to make decisions that you are still not ready to make. U are already handling it in the way u think is best. However do know that this has to be settled someday, somehow. Also don't fall into his web of lies, be clear sighted in what u want and stay focused on that. A person who has cheated will have no qualms about convincing himself that he has done nothing wrong, and in a confuses state that u are in, you'll tend to come up with your own logic to support his words even though u know that he's lying through his teeth. More and more lies will surface because he has to continue lying to cover lie after lie. And if u allow yourself to be swept along, you'll end up like me, to start to blame yourself for being overly suspicious, hate yourself for being inferior... Etc.. And eventually falling into depression.

U need time to prep yourself, yes, but frankly, when the situation arises to expose and confront, you'll find that you will naturally rise to the occasion, because you are really stronger than u think u are. I mentioned before, give yourself more credit for being the person you are. Think yourself worthy and you will be worthy. Even more than u believe so.

You will survive better alone than he can. Because he's the one who had to find extramarital support in tough times and you are relying on yourself. Believe in yourself.

For all the external toughness my hubby portrays, it hit me that day when i decided to leave that he's the weak one. That's the bottom-line why he cheated on me. I'm so much more stronger than him. And he needs me more than I need him.

As long as you believe that, I'm sure you will do fine.

 

[star_dust]

Limat,
Think you're doing the right thing...
Live your life the way u want... If by the time your hubby realises he wants to salvage but u have already moved on, then it's too bad for him .. But at least u have given him a fair chance

 

[mesa]

Limat,
I m doing the same thing too, toughen my heart in this process, protect myself and my kids when opportunity arises since I do not know what my husband will do at showdown. I know I want custody of my kids for sure and fight for them to b wif me.

Stardust,
Yes, plenty of advice given to me to ensure emotions aside I must find protection for myself and kids along the way. I have to stay super focused on these priorities and not let my preg hormones drive me crazy in this timeframe. I had wondered too in the beginning what did I do wrong to drive him away. Along the way eventually, it sank into me that his infidelity shows our marriage are truly not strong to withstand temptations.

I will confront and expose him eventually when I am ready. Mentally I know I must be stronger than him during showdown so that I do not get hurt once more. When time comes, it will be negotiating for better of my kids and myself in future. Along this path now, I am finding strength from my kids and gaining plenty of good advice from forumers here. I am taking good care of myself to ensure a happy #2 upon delivery

Painful as it is during certain times, certain scenarios, certain occasion, I told myself I can overcome this. I have stop dwelling on the past and start finding my ownself back of sunshine and happiness.

 

[lmat]

hey, i know u can't divorce while u are pregnant. but if u are thinking of getting it after u deliver, and u are so darn sure your husband's cheating on u, GET A PI.

u get a PI to gather proofs, bam! when u get a divorce, everything is yours. kids will be yours. he'll have to pay. and best thing is, that third party can be dragged to court and be made to pay half of your lawyer fee

 

[thebluecape]

Unfortunately, the law and woman's charter in Singapore do not protect women the way we all wished it would. And most lawyers, like the few i consulted, will tell you: divorce do not seek to "punish" anyone, even in a proved case of Adultry (with solid evidence from PI etc). The reason "Adultry", works the very same way as "intolerable behavior" and "unconsumamted marriage/no sex", other than a quick divorce, there is no added bonus when you arrive at the stage of asset distributions.

Plus, to add salt to insult, when the hearing happens, if he does not contest the divorce, he does not have to be there (he can just get his lawyer to represent him), but you (the wife who filed the divorce) cannot be absent.

I went through that myself. Speaking from my own sad experience, going through all this, is emotionally taxing, having to repeat how you discovered the affair, when you found the photos and important evidence, how he confirmed the affair with etc to the lawyer and Judge. You really have to stay strong throughout the whole time. I am only concerned about how you are gonna be after childbirth, as women tend to be more emotional and prone to depression post delivery...

I have spoken to another forumer who used a PI to gather evidence, honestly, it is ALL up to luck. The PI she used repeatedly missed out on important chances to nail the evidences, and has a bad attitude when she spoke to him. She spent near $4k on his services and gathered nothing substantial. Eventually she found the evidences herself, through his computer and mobile phone.
As for me, i found the evidences from my ex's digital camera, email accounts and credit card bills... What i mean here, simply is, you just have to stay calm and composed, as you already are, and open your eyes, you will find the evidences you need.

However, do bear in mind, all evidence have a 6 month shelf-life/validity. So do gather as much as you can.

More realistic things you should do now, is actually start spending your hub's money (now you have a good reason... buy baby stuff!!), at best chalk up credit card expenditures if you have his sub-card, and make sure he gives you a household allowance every month (make him transfer that to your saving's account, so you have bank records). All these is an indication of the kind of lifestyle you have during marriage, and IF there is a divorce, he will have to maintain you the very SAME way! {I am an idiot as i didn't do all these and now i have no records that he supported my lifestyle so as to substantiate my application for alimony. )
Stay strong and a big hug for you, i know its tough but you will be an even stronger woman than all of us, for the sake of your baby!

 

[star_dust]

Probably don't have to be that insistent.. Being insistent to have the house.. Etc will eventually prolong all the suffering for both the mother and the children.

Settle amicably... Get help from your family..If eventually u end up in divorce, request what u need for survival and maintenance. If he doesn't want to accede, don't waste time and energy. I'm sure u will be able to find alternative lodging with the help of friends, family... Etc.. Financially, start to build up a base now, like NOW... don't wait. Save every dollar you can and save it somewhere that he doesn't know of. It'll help u one day...

I feel u don't have to start a massive planning now. Take it a day at a time, and see what comes. But I feel you shouldn't keep it from him that u know. Let him know that u know of his affair, don't listen to any excuse. If he tries to interrupt to either save himself or accuse u, just tell him calmly that you are the one talking now, respect it.

State your terms, and that's that.

 

[susanna_low]

What are the main reasons that made a married men stray? Their inborn personality/character? Bored with the marriage life routine?

 

[infojunkie]

a seared conscience or an awakened conscience...

 

[star_dust]

Can be anything.. And there's no guarantee.
A person doesn't grow up knowing he will end up committing crimes. What makes u so sure you yourself wouldn't fall? I know I can't be so certain. People hit certain phases in life, and have different needs and wants. And this is something that you may not be able to give. No happy person goes into an affair unless that person is indeed the philandering sort and having affairs offers thrills and enhances their happiness. I know the trigger of my hubby's affair was the gambling debts he'd gotten himself into, and he'd been hiding it from me. Frequent drinking sessions at the place where she worked, and I suspect goading from the people he hung out with led him to it. and he needed the distraction from a wife that he'd let down and felt guilty towards. Being weak and all... It all fell into an easy affair. It just turned ugly when, according to him, he realised his folly and wanted to end it but she turned out difficult to handle.

Like i said, I don't believe all that he said. Why should i? After all the lies I've been subjected to...

It used to be a big rock in my heart, but as time passes, i realises that doesn't matter to me anymore. It's in the past.
It's taken a long time but I've finally led him to quit gambling totally.. That day I asked him if he was happier after quitting, he said with certainty, yes.

Sometimes our other half is weak in certain areas and they don't know or they pretend not to know. This weakness may lead them stray because in an affair they feel stronger over you, simply he's doing wrong, but you don't know it.

I've known hubby for over a decade and we were each other's first partner. I know he's not the philandering sort. But I'm getting to know the real him. He's nothing I thought he was. I married someone I thought I knew but .. I guess marriage isn't that. U spend yourself growing and developing with each other.. As a dating couple, as newly weds, as expectant parents, as new parents, as second time parents... When one switches jobs, gets new scopes, ... Etc

I tripped up somewhere and so did he, and we are new people with new knowledge and fears now.. Will hold expectations and see where this new path leads us.

 

[myip]

Hi everyone, after reading some of your posts, I realized that I'm just one of the many woman with a cheating husband.

I heard that I am able to press charges against the hussy who is sleeping with my husband, but I need her IC number in order to send her notice. Has anyone tried to press charges like that?
How do you obtain her IC number?

 

[texasholdem]

find a pi

 

[myip]

My PI can't find her IC number. He got me videos... which up till now, am not too sure if it's enough evidence.
It just shows him going into a budget hotel, staying for an hour or so and coming out holding hands...
I can't seem to find ways to find her IC number even though I know her husband's name, where they stay and her HP number...

 

[texasholdem]

coming out of the hotel holding hands evidence is not enough?
Why not go to their address and wait for her husband then?

 

[myip]

I was asking my friend about that. But my friend say what if he's cheating on her too?
What if he doesn't care that his wife is cheating on him?
That will not achieve anything right?

 

[dinnielooi]

u have her full name?

if u then u can name her as co-respondent, and summons her to court.

i don't think u can sue her, but maybe to disgrace her

 

[star_dust]

Just a little thought, why r u focusing your anger on the woman instead of seeing what went wrong with your hubby.
What will pressing charges against her accomplish? What is your ultimate objective?

 

[powder]

hehe, so cuuuuuute....

it's always nice to see why some pple just dun get it...

 

[star_dust]

caught up in anger and disillusion but directed at the wrong objective...

when one is hurt, one of the first responses would be to hurt the person who inflicted this hurt.. and push the blame to a convenient object.