Infidelity in a husband

[mesa]

I am currently in this situation, married for 7 years, pregnant with his kid now, he claims he has been unhappy in the marriage and bottling up his unhappiness, so he look elsewhere to find back his happiness.

When I found out about this, my whole life shattered. Husband betrayal has never been in my mind. Was constantly in depression upon finding out, definately not healthy for the unborn one. So what I did was to start reading articles from support groups and books for my healing process, below is what I have learnt and would like to share with the rest out there with the same issues.

Quote:
First, when someone has an affair, he no longer loves his spouse, or he would not cause her such pain.

Stop blaming yourself, if your spouse chose to give you such pain, he is no longer worth your heartache

Quote:
Things happen for a reason. To be fair, my marriage might not have been ideal. I can see now that I did take my husband and a lot of things for granted. I thought he would always be there for me, thus his betrayal was a shattering experience.
What I have learnt is that marriage is just like a seedling or plant; it needs love and constant care to make it grow. What we sow we reap.

For those out there who still has a chance to make the marriage work, pls remember the above, do not take anything for granted. Nothing is forever in this world except for parents love to kids.

Quote:
Now I do things and communicate in a way that will bring harmony to my marriage, and be a pleasant person to be with, for my husband, children, friends or strangers.

This will be what I strive to achieve moving ahead in my life, Regardless what happens, my priority in life now is the kid happiness and I will firmly remember that in my head.

 

[thommy]

Glad to hear you are moving ahead. Life is too short to have any regrets. Live life for yourself and take care.

 

[mesa]

Thanks! I know there is more to life than just love.

For the injured spouse, it is hard to forgive, and it is even harder to forget. I am currently in the learning to forgive stage to my husband.

Forgiveness is easier said than done. I have to slowly let go of my anger and learn to care for him and trust again.

Our situation is, there has been no confrontation, husband thinks I am blissfully ignorant of his affair with the other woman.

 

[nichie]

You mean your hubby is still with that woman now and you have no intention to expose him? Your solution is to love and trust him more?....err….working?

 

[miloice]

Its commendable that TS is 1st focusing on her healing than going on a witch hunt or fault finding. How many of us would be able to do that?

To expose / divorce / patch up with him, comes later. All these should be made with the right state of mind. Focus on herself first. That's the right thing to do.

 

[nichie]

I don’t agree…you are saying that we should reflect on ourselves first…assuming the fault is with her not the hubby while the hubby is the one having an affair first and enjoying himself now….what theory is that?....sound like something done by a saint…..ya…this healing process is not for the masses…

 

[miloice]

Regardless, one needs composure to make sound decisions instead of blaming anyone. Nothing bad about reflecting. We should always reflect constantly. There is no assumption that the fault is her husband or her. That conclusion SHOULD COME after one can come to peace with the reality. The common reaction is to confront, blow up and blame first. Its not about being saint.

Healing process doesn't mean punishing anyone or have 'justice' done. Coming to terms with the affair is always difficult. Sure shocking. This healing is for no one but ourselves. Why does it seem to suggest that we should only reflect when we think we are at fault? If that's the case, no one will ever reflect frankly. Most of the time, we only see others flaws and blind to ours. Reflection is to regain logical thinking. Not blame ourselves for everything !

 

[nichie]

milo....seriously...i began to see an aura above your head...your wife is a very lucky woman...

 

[miloice]

just added the last paragraph. Reflection isn't self blame. It is only to ensure we don't do stupid things in impulse. I have done enough of such stupid things reacting. I would like to minimize that with people I care for.

 

[mesa]

I am not financially dependant on my husband. We co-share most of our household expenses and kids stuff.

An easy solution to the whole thing will be to walk out of the marriage. See how long can husband and the other woman last, those had been my bitter thoughts when I first found out about the affair. But after reading alot of articles on infidelity, I decided to look at the big picture of family well being. Reflect on what has happen in our marriage.

 

[mesa]

Seriously it has not been easy in the healing process, not that I am completely out of the woods yet, but I am in that stage of healing myself.

I find that alot of those articles and books I read helps, so hoping to share that with pple who might be in the same situation.

Since my husband does not know that I know, it is making my road of recovery harder as he continues his happiness and joy outside.

I have to think of the unborn one and all the negative vibes that I pass to him if I continue to sink myself in depression.

 

[opalstar]

Wow.. *thumbs up* 你是个ä¸ç®€å•çš„女人ï¼

Impressed.. Alot of ladies would have taken the easy way out.

I hope your hubby will be grateful for a wife like you. But that say, one need to know a "bottom line" to stop being so generous..

 

[mesa]

I am not that great and generous, when I first found out about the affair, zillions of bitter thoughts has passed through my mind. Will he care even if I jump out of the window etc, but I guess not since he no longer loves me. From the above quote, "when husband has an affair, he no longer loves you else he will not cause you such pain." I have learnt to internalized that and start to love myself more.

Even when I am in the healing stage today, there is still occasional heartache when I chance upon some old photos or places or memories during our happy days in marriage or dating. But to constantly remind myself that they are all gone, what is left is his new found happiness with the other woman.

 

[nichie]

Hi, Samantha

What did you get out of this healing process? Do you understand now why your hubby is having an affair? What next? You still have to confront him right? You may be healed but your hubby might not want to….then? The way you put it as if you are resigning to fate for your unborn baby and going to accept your hubby affairs by trainnng your mind to make yourself feel great. Healing is good but you still need to tackle the problem head on and not buried it.

 

[matka]

Samantha, it is commendable that you're approaching this in a calm and collected manner.

Do you plan to share with him what you have learnt down the road?

 

[mesa]

Yes, definately plan to have talk to husband down the road. To really make the marriage work in the long run, will have to iron things out. Not now due to the unborn baby, but later down the road.

I am not trying to bury my head like an ostrich and not facing the problem, in a way, by reflecting on what has happen in the marriage is a way of coming to terms with myself too instead of staying bitter and unhappy and angry all the time. I am thinking more of the negative vibes that I am passing to the baby

 

[miloice]

its even more remarkable that you are this composed at this stage when your hormones leave your emotions flying off the roof.

 

[ckgal]

how u know how he feel? Do u think he still want the marriage?

 

[miloice]

no point instilling all the what ifs to her mind now. Let her take the needed time to recover. She will eventually involve her partner in the discussion only when she is ready to take action.

 

[mesa]

When i first found out about the affair, trust me, I was not that composed and like I mentioned, plenty of bitter and silly thoughts. It took me alot of courage and internalizing to get to where I am today and I am not completely out of the woods on healing yet. Times when I still get emotional, times when I still have the urge to expose him when I knew he was lying to me!!!

But i guess for me, the maternal instinct took over, I had a very good friend and confidant that I could talk to and she helped send me articles and recommend books that I could read.

My initial thoughts of posting is to share with pple out there who are facing the same problem and continue to keep your sanity. I am trying to do the same thing to myself too....

 

[miloice]

for sure samantha. One needs time to come to terms with the shock. Completely human. But, as you can observe. Many continue to live with the resentments even beyond their marriage and relationship. To a point that they cannot wait to punish and condemn even strangers online just as long as they can identify as the 'victim' and 'villian'.

U deserve a pad on the shoulder for not letting the anger and emotions consume you over time.

 

[mesa]

Situation today, he wants to be a father to the kid, at this stage, the other woman can connect with him, does not give him the unhappiness that he finds in our marriage, makes him so happy that he does not need/want to fulfil his husband commitment.

Totally shatters my heart, but life goes on ...
Kids are ignorant of what is happening to adults, they are innocent. I am resolved to let my kid grow up in complete family

 

[clipperjunk]

you are very zen like, it's hard to take literal the phrase 'ignorance is a bliss' the way you do...the word complete family is an oxymoron..how can it be complete when there's a hole in the marriage....be it you've attained enlightenment or have chosen to put on blinders, best wishes to you...

 

[ckgal]

samantha, like i say b4, all this maybe your wishful thinking. U might be misled to think that he will stay as husband to you.

What will happen if one of those day, that women get pregnant. He choose to leave u.

Are u preparing yourself that he might just leave u and your baby and goes with that women?

 

[miloice]

Depends what one's objective and meaning in their marriage. We only live once. Live it the way we want and need to be happy.

 

[margret]

samantha, u can read all the book u want but u still have to prepare yourself. If u are just waiting for him to change his heart to return to you, it might take a long time, or it might not happens.

Anyway, it's good to forgive and forget, but if he is still persistent in his act,then there is nothing about forgive or forget.

Also, u have been hurt once. Are u ready to be hurt a second time, if things don't turn out what u expect it to be. He might initiate divorce, do u feel better?

 

[ariel84]

Hi Samantha, you are a strong lady and I salute you. I could never do that...

Right now, most important thing is to take care of yourself and your baby, focus on your health and do things that make you happy.

All the best to you...

 

[mesa]

I am learning to be strong and independant here, not trying to be a saint or ostrich. Yes, there are still residual hurt and anger in me, but the reality is does he still care for me? Most likely not since he is embarking on this path of infidelity already.

Any confrontation or showdown now does not help the situation, I have weigh and rethink all the consequences, I get satisfaction out of exposing him, but he will just leave the family. Yes I am financially indepedant, but I am in the middle of pregnancy, do I want to put myself through this trauma?

I have cried enough over this man, he is no longer worth anymore of my tears. In this healing process, I am also toughing my heart along the way. I guess I will confront him eventually when I am ready.

To anyone that is thinking of cheating on one's spouse (husband or wife), the other party won't be blissfully ignorant for long. It is the path that the injured party chose to take for the better of the family and kids well being that makes the situation intact.

 

[miloice]

samantha, to be fair, the thought of casual, ONS and paid sex definitely comes to the mind of every man and some women too. Its not generically true that anyone in an affair doesn't care about the spouse. Need to look into each specific case to evaluate.

You are on the right path. Your healing process shouldn't depend on externals or whether he is repentant or not. Its for yourself, your future. Since you have come to realization that he doesn't care, then close your heart. Don't allow him to hurt you again.

Hang in there.

 

[mesa]

Milo thanks for all your encouragement, and all others who have chime in.

In my situation, my husband is finding that special someone that makes him feel young again, makes him feel happy, someone he can connect with, someone that can fulfil his sexual desire since I am preggy now and someone that is super understanding compares to the wife at home. This is what is hurting most...once you have unhappiness in yr marriage, don't you try to make things work, heart to heart talk and think of all the consequences of family damage before embarking on that path of no return. When the spouse finds out eventually about the infidelity, it will be hard to forgive. And it is even harder to forget! Just voicing out my thoughts aloud...

I am only at the stage of learning to forgive without my husband knowledge that I knew of his infidelity. Will I ever forget? Even I do not know the answer myself, only time will tell. Maybe finding the strength in my kids is the way to heal myself completely. The child's innocence and happiness is the biggest strength for me today moving ahead.

 

[matka]

Hi Samantha

I'm glad that you have a sensible friend to rely on. Emotionally this will be a tough journey for you and hopefully you will get to speak to him soon - in an adult manner.

I do not know how you know about his feelings for the other woman - perhaps through reading his emails? But one thing I'm quite certain is that you'll never know if what he's telling the other party is entirely true as well. Some affairs start off as stupid fun, and they just dig deeper and deeper perhaps because one party may be taking it more seriously than the other. Since he thinks that you do not know, he may not think that he is hurting you. Sometimes when a person ventures into an affair, they think as long as their spouse doesn't know about it, it will not hurt them. They don't realise that the spouse isn't as ignorant as they think.

Though I do not know how you can start to forgive him without him feeling a sense of remorse. And he probably won't start feeling any remorse unless he's jolted into it (ie. he realises that you know about his infidelity). But I guess it is possible ... especially since you said you're trying to understand why he's doing this.

You will not forget the incident, but you will forget the feeling of intense anger that you had. Not forgetting it helps as it serves as a reminder as to why you are forgiving your husband.

It takes a special kind of strength - and love - that you have. I do have hope that you and your husband can reconcile despite what's happened.

 

[mesa]

hi matka,

Without this friend, I might not have been in this state I am today, I might be on a bitter witch hunt to hurt the other woman or do something that I might regret for the rest of my life. She is definately a wise old friend that I have that have put things into perspective for me.

I am inclined to believe my husband did not go looking for an affair initially, it was with constant close contact and working together closely and encouragement that he gave in to temptation. Not that the marriage situation at home was helping, we were at our low brink in our marriage life.

How I am able to move into the state of forgiving is giving myself a way out of self wallow and self depression. Also, as I reflect upon our years of marriage, I did take my husband for granted on alot of situation. I had forgotten that to make a marriage last, it needs constant love, care and concern. Settling into a marriage routine with kids totally throws me off the track on that, now I am learning that the hard way.

Yes, you are right, I am trying to melt the intense anger that I had when I first found out about the affair. The strength that I have is in my kids and love that we had during our dating and married days before all these happen, he has made me laugh alot and gave me sunshine in my life.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Divorce isn't an easy way out. Those who say it is an easy decision have instead taken an easy way out to assume that divorced people never did anything to salvage the marriage. Do divorces happen overnight? No. Many divorces happened only after years of trying to make things work and deliberation.

On the other hand, the agreement to marry can come so easily and many a time without proper thoughts.

 

[wiggly_toes]

I agree that Divorce isn't an easy way out.
But to carry on with a marriage it takes both parties to work it out. And it takes hard work from both sides.

I don't know the TS well enough to know if she has really reached the 'Zen' stage where she will from now on put her personal feelings and life on hold until the kid grows up to say 21 years old just so the kid can have a complete family (in name).

But I hope she is not in denial thinking that as long as she choose to continue the marriage will be there and things will return to what it was.

It is important to understand what the husband wants. Has he chosen TOW? Or he wants both (knowing that the TS will let him have the best of both worlds?)

Just my 2 cents.

 

[mesa]

Husband does not know that I am aware of his infidelity so he does not feel that he is hurting me. Life still goes on for him meeting the other woman and coming home to family.

For myself, its not about attaining the zen stage but weighing all the consequences. In my self reflection since the incident took place, I have learnt that we reap what we sow. We have both taken each other for granted, marriage issues like finances, retirement, etc all were swept under the carpet for the longest time. The seeds of unhappiness and regression sow over time was overwhelming. What has made me not want to walk out of this marriage and end the hurt that husband is inflicting on me is the seeds of love that happen in this marriage journey. We also have fair share of happiness and joy of kids in our lives with the unborn one on the way. For that, I am willing to stick it out with my husband and resolve to reconcile the marriage with my husband. Eventually, when I am ready, our discussion will take place. He is still someone that I hope in future we can be soulmates and companions when our kids have their own lives. I may be idealistic thinking far ahead of the path of growing old together, but it is a shot I am willing to make.

 

[xylon]

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http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/s-4gE2hrA34/

 

[sgbabydoll]

To divorce or to work on a marriage - one is a rock and the other, a hard place - no one situation is easier than the other. In fact, divorce usually happens after one or both parties tried but failed to resolve the differences or contention.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Samantha,

From your post I can tell you want your marriage to work and you are heading in the right direction.

Don't expose him. You have to be very patient and be an Angel, create a happy family environment. Let the other woman be the Witch.

No woman like to be a Mistress forever, sooner or later she will be a crazy nut and pressurize and nag at your hubby for marriage while you are the Angel with the lovely children.

Guess where will your hubby go to finally?

Many times, the wives become so angry about the affair, they turn into the Witch whereas the other woman acts as an Angel. Of course, hubby will go to the Angel. Who wants to live with crazy Witch, right?

So ladies, always remember to be an Angel and let the other woman be the Witch.

 

[ariel84]

Albee, reading what you said is really like watching korean dramas with the angels and witches fighting for 1 man.

But I do think you're making good sense here. But it's really very hard to achieve!

 

[leibit]

Albee's pointers are great. However, it really depends on individual, how much you can tahan, how deep your love for your spouse is, and perhaps apart from the infidelity part, is your spouse a good person generally?

I am an Angel (in disguise perhaps?) who chose to give him his witch. And true enough, he knows that he has ended up with a crazy witch.

 

[leibit]

I don't think that a spouse who committed adultery has no love for the partner. More likely, the spouse has some pent-up frustrations but is not willing to face up to dealing with the reality, instead the spouse seeks thrill and dreams by escaping into the fantasy world.

 

[mesa]

I wish my husband still has love for wifey and family, but for now i know he is madly in happiness with the other one. The woman is way younger and definately made him feel loved and young again. Who does not enjoy those dating days with no marriage and family issues in reality to face.

It is a uphill task for me making the marriage work alone. Takes tons of love and strength but i am going to try...

In general, aside infidelity, husband is a good daddy! stubborn as he is like a donkey, chavanistic like mcp at times, little patience he has of pple ard him, but i made my choice when we got married. He is the person i want to grow old with when our kids are out of our lives.

No doubt the infidelity is hurting me like crazy now, husband does not know the pain he is inflicting on me, returning home like nothing has happen. Wkends, he is a family man, wkday is when he will take leave and give his time to the other one...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Samantha,

Hang in there. Patience is the key.

Sooner or later the other woman will be unbalanced because hubby can't spend time with her on weekends and festive seasons. Their romance are underground, have to hide around from everybody. She will explode one day and be a witch.

You will have your hubby back. Trust me.

This will not work in the older generation where women have great tolerance over hubby's infidelity.
Wife was an angel. Mistress was also an angel. Hubby was an angel-in-disguise(Good at hiding affair)

The wife was blissfully unware till on hubby's death, the other woman turned out with her children at his funeral.

If the wife died before hubby, she would never know her hubby's infidelity.

For you, you are fortunate that girls these days are not so patient and be a suffering underground angel mistress. She will be a witch soon. It's a matter of time.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Samantha,

The Other Woman
1. Physical : Younger, angelic look
2. Mental : Sweet and understanding
Hubby goes to her.

The Wife
1. Physical : Older, witchy look
2. Mental : Demanding, Crazy Nutcase
Hubby run away.

Solution

The Wife
1.Physical : Older. So update all your wardrobe, make-up, hairstyle, seek up stylist professionals if needed.
2. Mental : Angelic behaviour. Seek all your self-help books and support group. Work towards your goal

Time Factor : It's a maronthon. See who can last longer. The one who explodes 1st will turn into a witch.

 

[powder]

i normally just drop out and seek another... cos for now there's 2, later there'll be 3,4,5... the flaw might be a philandering guy.

i should be loved for who i am.

 

[mesa]

Albee thanks for encouragement. I also do not want to lose myself, my sanity, my laughter and happiness for what husband is doing to me. I have to pass positive vibes to my unborn child, iwant to let him feel mummy love although daddy barely ask abt his well being for this pregnancy.

Since my husband has no slightest guilt or remose having an affair, i started on the journey of learning to b indepandant and strong by myself. I have my kids to think of in the long run, if worst case happens, i must not only be financially indepandant but also emotionally indepandant to take care of them. I am now focus on the happiness and innocence of my kid and her growing up well being.

Powder, deep down in my heart, i am still inclined to believe husband is not a philandering gut, but it was marriage reality issues and pent up fustration that cause infidelity. I could be totally wrong at the end of the day if husband returns home one day with a preggy other woman and ask for divorce. For now, i will work towards love and happiness and laughter to turn my husband heart around and back to this family.

 

[powder]

my emphasis is never to have to compete and compare... it is easy to swoop in on a girl, let alone a girl swooping in on a guy, where nature dictates a guy having little chances.

do what u need to cos u have a good mind on u, but know when enough is enough and find the best time to make a request that will benefit u and the unborn kid for financial and shelter securities.

the best environments for a family need not be defined by society nor norms... but but love and a strong sense of nurture.

u dun need to coax a person to return home, whilst waiting for that return... life can go on and should the person return, choice will remain yours to accept him back into the fold. til then i would actually function as a single parent and find an angle for divorce... Purely for financial coverage and retention of shelter, if it applies. some pple dun cover themselves and end up both homeless and with no place to go...

your instincts as a mum2b, should see u do everything to cover u+baby's interests at all costs... emotions should be kept aside from result and goals.

again, this would just be me... but i will find an angle to get the house and some money, especially the house - in exchange to release this person if he so wishes... and then if he returns, it will be My choice to receive him. and most imptly, i would never be at the mercy of this person, God-forbid he'd want the house to himself n the newfound girl, then u'd find yourself in deeper shit, never having laid your plans well in eventuality.

 

[michie66]

hi, i have same situation here, my husband and I went through 5 years relationship and we have rom 1 year ago and hold our customary 7 months ago. All my family & frends said he is very nice to me and i feel grateful i have such a nice man to be my husband. Last 2 months ago i found that he is keeping something from me and after i confront him he told me he has been keep in touh with 1 of his secondary female classmate before we married and he himself didnt tell the woman that he is married. They have gone out a few times for dinner and he said he only treat her as a very good friend but after that he realised she is fancy of him so he tried to make things clear to her. He has promised me he will not contact with her anymore. I decided to believe what he said. 1 month later i accidentally saw a few photos from facebook which he taken with the women which both of them are very close in the photos it doesn't look like they are just good friend! i showed him the photos he said those are taken last time and keep telling me that they are really close friend and they have know each other more than 10 years. Again, i decided to believe him. Few days later, again another blow to me, i found out that they went to thailand together but he was lying me he went to taiwan for business trip. And yet he still telling me they are very good friend they stay in diffirent hotel room when they are in thailand! i am really lost and dont know what to do, we even quarrel in front his parents. His dad has lectured him and told him to stop contact with the woman, he has promised to do so. I decided to give him another chance, though he still insist they are good friend but i decided forgive & forget. He even sweared to me that he is no longer contact with her. but then recently, i found out that he stil contact with the woman, i am very depress now, even i confront him he will still deny it. I am totally lost, Should i file a divorce with him? if you were me what will you do?

 

[powder]

michie,

u can see the clothes he wore in the phtos rite? anyway i dun think stopping him is the point...

 

[michie66]

eggtart, thanks, i hope all the best for u too. I did contacted PI to asking for some advices and the PI was telling me that they cannot track the previous records. also, by enagaging a PI easily cost around 5k-10k i am struggling that should i waste this money to the infidelity husband rather than use the money on myself?

Powder, stopping him on? The cloth he wore in the photo i saw it few days before i found out the photo which he told me he bought himself. After i saw the photo i confront him where is the shirt he told me he don't know somehow his mum will replace his cloths. I know all are his bullshits.

since the day i found out between him & the women he never be frank to me and keep lying me. He never show his regretful so far keep insist they are very good friend and accused me maligned him in front of our family, he said i make him so shameful to face my family he will try to avoid any accasions with them.
I feel so heartbreaking... i did ask for divorce with him but he refused. I seriously don't know what he want...