i juz got married...
and to think abt it... which married woman who is faithful n loyal will want their husband to have someone else outside?? and vice versa...
its true that it takes 2 hands to clap... but i do also hope, there is no ladies who will end up seducing my husband, and neither do i want my husband to fall into someone's trap...
so... my prinicple: stay away from married or attached man... dont go destroy other ppl's family... u nv know where karma will befall on u...
I think it's worthwhile asking why is a woman attracted to a married man, apart from all the usual media answers.
My feeling is that a single woman who does this does not want to get attached [ which she may not even realise as this may be deep inside the subconscious ] and thus choosing a MM acts out this subconsciousness.
u wrote : "but i do also hope, there is no ladies who will end up seducing my husband"
Actually, that hope is pretty beyond one's control.
Don't get worried over things u cannot control. Focus on what u can improve and maintain and careful with the green monster in everyone of us. Insecurity is common, just how much and how we deal with it that differs.
No one go into a relationship with the intention of seducing/ destroying one's family. I do believe in karma.. but why is the other woman always the victim ? Aren't men equally responsible ? Let me give you my personal example, the married guy i am with now have a slim and pretty wife who gave him alot of freedom, but that does not prevent him from straying right ?
I do feel bad when he gave excuses to come out to meet me, told me how much he is crazy over me, bring me for holidays etc.. sounds like bullshitting to others but I am just foolishly indulging in whatever sins which we should not be committing. Yes, there is this strong pang of guilt sometimes cos I am doing exactly what I had experienced previously, but I just cant (or rather do not know how to) resist the evil temptations.
"but I just cant (or rather do not know how to) resist the evil temptations."
everyone knows its an excuse. You choose to indulge in your temptation, how can you claim you cannot and don't know how to resist it?? U know how to resist them... rather, its what u really want.
This is not to condemn... but rather for you not to continue excusing yourself believing its beyond you. You are an adult, fully accountable and capable of taking lead of your own life. You are a mother of your kids too. Taking on the role to lead them as well. So, don't bullshit yourself that its somehow irresistible.
For me, I don't believe in karma in a personal sense, I believe in my heart and mind. Being honest with myself. I can lie to the world but with myself, I know its bullshit. I see Karma in a much bigger collective picture. We are all part of the universe. Our individual efforts hardly do any impact to the entire system. There world is so huge that much more other factors will inflence the outcomes of stuffs. Its beyond our control. It is not a simple equation that I do good to A and I will harvest the rewards someday nor I do bad and will be punished someday.
Is it only for the sex and thrill or more then that? Money? Will you be satisfied and stop at this? Can you really be his mistress for life?
Some women are willing to be a mistress for life, meaning not destory the other woman family while some women also don't mind their husband having a mistress as long as the husband still cares for the family. This is a rare case.
Its not easy to be a mistress either, but are you sure you are this type? I don't think so.
If you are not, in the end of the jouney there is still a sad ending for either side.
Yes, I admit I do feel lonely at times, esp when I am not someone who socialise alot and in fact, I dun really want to make frens (dun like spending time/ going out with pple, feel that it is a total waste of time)
Whether I need love or not, I dunno how to answer, cos I derive love from my own family (my parents and kids) and I do my best to spend as much time as I could with them. I make it an effort to take dinner at home almost daily and spend my weekends with them. I spend my time with him when my kids are not with me (asleep in my parents' place/ after midnight etc).
Carrie, I know where you are coming from, cos u are someone who had been hurt and betrayed before by the other woman. So am I, but I am not doing this in the form of revenge. When my ex betrayed me, I dun feel hurt, just very very angry. I had not shed a tear since the entire D process. Dun ask me why, but I just look down on the man who do not know how to treasure me. To me, he is hopelessly pathetic to risk the marriage for some flings and as expected, I do not bat an eyelid when I signed the papers. Am I heartless ? I dunno.. Maybe.but I dun see a reason why I should humble myself to accpet whatever shitty mess he made.
Thrill, yes. Money is not. I have never ask any of them for $ or anything. I do not like the idea of being together for the sake material stuff. I prefer companion and hate to admit this, lust blinds us. I have no intention to be someone's mistress for goodness sake!! Maybe I m really sending wrong the wrong signals but it so happened that many guys I've met are either married/ attached.
I dread marriage.Cos I dun trust anyone anymore. As I had mentioned earlier, I spent 10 freaking years of my youth on a marriage that failed and another 2 years fighting the divorce battle. I am truly sick and tired and that paper from ROM scares the hell out of me.It is a grave mistake that I got married at a rather early age, where most of my frens are still in the U ,cos I guess I am blinded by love then. Now I think love does not exist anymore..at least to me. Sigh..
Hi Pinkie, So glad that you clarified.
I go through the same jouney only up the the 1 yr plus battle. I feel lonely after getting use to a companion for so many years too. I never look back just like you. The only different is I still cry in the process because this man hurts me and my child through the process, even now.
I too dread marriage and don't trust guys too. I just channel all my energy to the work and kid. And I definately don't want to be like you few years down the road. Love is not all in my life now. I don't have much friends either or do I care to make new ones poking about my past. I am lonely, just sufe net, read some forum gain some knowledge, when I am tired the day just past. I am aimless but I know what is right and what is wrong. I am not here to pin point on you, just to learn what will happen after divorce for many people and hopefully learn something for my life.
We are responsible for our choices in life. You chose to be with your lover - a married man. While you may not care too much about his wife you have to take note that you are 100% responsible for your actions.
If one day, your lover decides to dump you - you have to be prepared for it and not blame anyone but yourself.
Lust is something we can control and it is irresponsible to say that you have no control over it.
You are an adult with control of your thoughts and your emotions and just don't blame other people when things don't turn out right in the future.
Yes, I do agree totally with sm that we are responsible for our choices in life....
tow knew that my hb is a married family man and chose to have an affair with him. Begins to pressure him to spend more time with her and will get angry with him for showering too much care for the family.
Glad that it's over,we have put the past behind to move forward.Ladies out there,do not be a third party and do spare a thought for the wife and kids involved...
"Don't think it has any direct relation with education. But rather, how individuals responses to let downs in our lives. Do u agree?"
Milo.. i does agree partialy with you... but if compare those 20ys back till today...do not know is it coincident.. the more the woman get educated from then till now the marriage problem trend also from then up..
And i do agree is both these tyype of irresponsible man fault tht causing marriage to fall
Appreciate all comments.. Really. Yes, there are many times when I feel really bad, esp. when he leaves his family to be out with me.. Haiz.. How am I going to stay clear of him, as he works in the same building as me. Seeing him everyday only make the matter worse. Not possible to change job, cos we have our own resposibilities to hold and can't just leave as and when I feel like it. Just a lil more time, let me sort out my feelings..
think married man tend to be more understanding and "sweet". i have few ex bf who are younger than me but things just don't work out. married man are more attentive and know when's the right time to do the right thing, in other words, more attractive..
don't know what's wrong with me. think i am sick in the head..
if u really cannot get pass urself ... try to think it this way ... you may need to hold 100%responsibility for ur actions . but the worst thing is that if that man marriage is broken .. another women is going to follow into ur foot step and feeling and thinking the same way as u r ..do u wish to make another person life the same as you are now ?
the question abt married man, i have ans previously in this thread. but there are also man who are older than u and are available .. it is only ur fetish that is doing harm not that u r sick..
sad gal: "hans, how do u know whether he's yr Mr Right or not?"
U should know better if yr Mr Right appear...
*He will be someone whether single,married or divorce.
*He will listen n comfort to your happy n sorrow whenever u need even before you say it.
*He will keep up all his promise in any means by verbal,action n even black n white.
*He will give up what ever things that will spoil hinder,or ruin the r/s btween u n him asap(wth proof of wht ever legal letter if it is a married man) .
*He will give attention not only to u but also to any of the person beside u(eg yr parents) whom u concern n worry.
*He will not bother abt yr look n even yr character if really u are so worse.
*He will more than happy tht the feeling as if the world living beings is cheering to him when u say u decided to be with him for the rest of the your life.....
Someone else's husband will never be a Mr Right for you. Once he is married, he does not have the luxury of dating other gals other than his wife. If he can date you and says how much he loves you, 100% he is not Mr Right. Because he can't even stay faithful to his wife.
Give up on him. Frankly speaking, I don't think you need any consolation at all. Once you know he is married, you should stay clear from him. Getting involved with a married man is already wrong.
No matter what, a family man will always put his family first. You can continue to harbour thoughts of him running to you but reality would be, he would unlikely to give up on his family.
So you can end this whole episode and thread by breaking-off with him. Go find your "real" true love and leave the man and his family alone.
I doubt such people exist !! Is there really such human species ? So I prob got to keep my fingers cross for such gem to cross my path.. Haha.. Ok.. seriously, I do hope that I am (not going to) to commit into this relationship. I do not want another innocent party to follow my footsteps either. Frankly speaking, I also doubt he will do so cos the D route is never easy and I struggled thru lots of shit to get myself out of this mess.
My married lover's agenda ? Shouldn't be too difficult to guess but I am still hopelessly sinking into this mess. I am trying now, at least less smses these 2 days, but the temptations is so so strong. I admit that I am a weak person, not determine enough when it comes to him. I just melt when I am in his arms. Shame on me.Tell me how to get him out of my mind..Tried occupying my time with work and family, but at the back of my mind, he is still there..
"think married man tend to be more understanding and "sweet". i have few ex bf who are younger than me but things just don't work out. married man are more attentive and know when's the right time to do the right thing, in other words, more attractive.."
Sad girl, no sarcasm intended but you could consider married-before men like divorcees or widowers, unless of course you are attracted to the idea of forbidden fruit?
Tired_mom there are many cases where their Mr Right/Ms Right is after re-married... i dun think u not aware of that..?? but definately not to intentionaly break up ppl family... that is no moral ethic.
Pinkie indeed hard to find such a gem...but it does exist n it depends how lucky u are....
Agree wth DOLL... since u claim tht those non married cant giiv u d 'sweet' n understanding then u may look out for divorcee in this sb forum to get the same criteria.
As there is a saying... from decades...
LOVE.. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG AS LONG BOTH REALLY CHERISH,LOVE,CARE,CORNCERN N WILLING WHOLE HEARTEDLY STAYING BY THE SIDE DAY N NIGHT, RAIN OR SHINE, HAPPY OR SAD, HEALTHY OR SICK TILL THE DAY ONE DEPARTED FROM THIS WORLD..
Well, I believe that while you can love anybody you want and there might be even times that you can't help loving somebody. But you can't have a relationship with all of them, for example, someone who is already married. If you are in a relationship with a married person, then don't expect norms in relationship would apply.
Doll - not all divorce man are caring, considerate. sometimes no matter how much one can do even much better than any other women in his life. They are still the same! Selfish only love themselves, only think they are right! Only care for unwanted ppl. and neglect their own wife. I think that is the worse kind of senario a woman ever wants.
Last time ppl say must be older than you, will love you more... i think everything is just saying... i guessed as a woman we must find a man who love him. IF not you will SUFFER the MOST!!!!
When woman who gets too involves in a relationship. We will go head over heels for the Man. Yet sometimes, you will end up being more hurt.
I know it's easy to say control the feelings and it's difficult. pinkie i understand...just take it as a lesson learnt and let go if you can.
If he really loves you he will settle everything already and come back for you. Don't ever stay on and try to settle the whole divorce with him if ever possible. It's a torturing process for you and very miserable!
Sad girl made a general statement about married men being more attractive for those reasons she has stated, so I merely thought she may find married-before men attractive as well, but minus the burden of his married status. Of course I know better that NOT ALL men - married, married-before or single - behave the same.
Here's a quick way to decide your next step. Cos you seem unable to make up yr mind what to do.
What do you think of the habit of smoking? Choose from option A or B below. Doesn't matter whether u smoke, I use 2 options cos i make the assumption they capture the 2 major camp of attitudes in humans.
A) acknowledge smoking harms and kills one faster but do it anyway cos heck, life is short, just do watever one wishes cos we all die anyway in the end.
B) acknowledge smoking harms and kills one faster, & though you are addicted, you also acknowledge the undesirable effects caused by smoking & want to take action to quit smoking.
U wondered whether u are sending the wrong signals cos u seem to attract the MBAs (married but availables)..perhaps u are? Ever heard of the Law of Atraction?
Here's something on Law of Attraction from wikipdia.. especially, i think the very last sentence applies to you?
Just something "scientific" to share, a fresh angle to view yr issues perhaps.
Many modern proponents say that the Law of Attraction has roots in Quantum Physics. According to proponents of this law, thoughts have an energy which attracts whatever it is the person is thinking of. In order to control this energy to one's advantage, proponents state that people must practice four things: 
Know what you want.
Ask the universe for it.
Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way.
Be open to receiving it.
"if you really want something and truly believe it's possible, you'll get it, but putting a lot of attention and thought onto something you don't want means you'll probably get that too. "
U r right that some found their Mr/Ms Right after that person is divorced or widowed. But not when you are a 3rd party claiming that person is your Mr/Ms Right.
Hence I still maintained my statement, "Someone else's husband will never be a Mr Right for you. Once he is married, he does not have the luxury of dating other gals other than his wife. If he can date you and says how much he loves you, 100% he is not Mr Right. Because he can't even stay faithful to his wife. Give up on that person."
If that person is a divorcee or widowed, I gues this thread would not even have started
Thanks for the advices..But I guess my Mr Right is still somewhere out there i hope, though it does seem that married guys are those whom i have met. Is it because I have portray that image that I am only suitable to be the other woman ? Or men just prefer to have flings with me ? I have no idea. I am not in any way seductively dressed or go around befriendling men only. I never took the initiative to talk to the opposite sex unless it is really necessary (I am an introvert & shy person by nature). Why like this ?
In fact, this is not the only married guy going after me. There is another one who constantly ask me out for lunch/ movie dates but I have kept a distance from him. And remember that attached guy who was quite close to me b4 ? we are still in contact (as frens) and he had sense something amiss cos I have been slow in replying his smses and pay less attention to him anymore. He came over to my place last night, told me he missed me and told me that he do not want to let me go.. Ridiculously enough, he did not mentioned anything about his girlfren (he presume I do not know he has one, he never admit this to me)and I can clearly see that he have no plans to commit to me for long term. dun understand why he can crap to me about how I would make a good wife and mother those kinda bullshit, but refuses to let pple know about us last time. No doubt he treats me real well and willing to spend time with me. No one I've met so far is the one i am looking for.
I have to confess, I hate to be lonely (though I have lovely kiddos.)I need pple around me who dotes and take care of me, let me feel special. so, prob that's why I couldn't pull myself out of this mess now. Cos even if I do, I worried that I'll fall into another relationship. That y, kinda agree with sad gal, married men can be more appealing, thoughtful etc.
Sorry if I had stepped on many toes with my postings..
I guessed deep down you know what you want. In additional you know what is right and wrong. but you refused to face it or you do not want to be defeated? I am not sure if i am right but some how or rather whatever you do, just ask yourself if you will ever regret it? Then if you want to continue, what if the wife knows or come and look for you. What will you do?
Well for loneliness..I am 100% sure i know how it feels i cannot stand loneliness, some ppl will just think it's desperate or whatever but to me it is just us..that's why we are different from others. I know you want a man who loves you as much as you love him and be there for you, have kids, have a happy family right.
I am sure everyone here will give you the support you need if you decide to start a brand new start. I am sure you can do it. As for loneliness, get a few gfs to chat and go out with you first..till you found your mr right..those married man just keep a distance from them..
Take care dun think so much...
think about it this way sometimes, marrying a married man with kids also will give you headache and you may not be happy at the end of the it.
When come to married man or woman, MUST REMEMBER is a fling, feeling SHLD NT be involved, simple rule of the game. It is easier to say than done as there r still many ppl got into a mess with married opposite sex.
Tks for pointing out abt the Law of Attraction info as a New Thought Principle.
The smoking question, I feel, gives a glimpse of a person's attitude in general & in this case, I'm refering to one's attitudes to doing things which are so called "bad"/"wrong" in general. Of cos, there's no absolute "bad" or "wrong" things but I take the stance that smoking is "bad" for health & r/s with married person is "wrong"
I mean no offence to anyone, am not here to debate on smoking or r/s right/wrongs. This is entirely my personal opinion.
I encourage Sad Gal to stop wallowing in her current compromising position & decide on a course of action, i.e carry on with this man or make clean break with him . Easy to say, difficult to do I know. But beats sitting on the fence & scratching yr head right?
If Sad Gal is type A per my post, she probably is more emotional,ruled by heart rather than by head & she probably will still choose to continue the r/s with this man, married or not.If so,there is no point in us persuading her to give up this r/s or telling her why it's wrong etc etc.
Ever tried to get a staunch smoker to quit? You are wasting your breath. The decision to stop doing something must come from within .
If Sad Gal is type B, she probably is more logical, and ruled by head. Then all of us here can keep encouraging her to give up on this unfruitful r/s , which is in line with her natural inclination as someone who is more "logical".
Sad Gal, you seem to be type A. Don't struggle with your inner self..follow your heart, throw your heart & soul into this r/s with this married man. Live life to the fullest, right?
Another quote to cheer you on - someone said the best way to deal with temptation is to yield to it. So, what are you waiting for ?
Not sure why you can encourage Sad_gal to follow her heart but you have completely forgotten about THAT guy's wife and kids....maybe it's just too bad that THAT guy's wife did not pour her sorrows here.....instead we have people here encouraging such acts....
Gosh....Sad_Gal, if you decide to carry on such "jie bu de ren" r/s, all the best to you....and hope THAT guy CAN stays faithful to you. And hope you can still stay happy without forgetting that a family broke up when you managed to get your Mr Right.
Firstly, I am encouraging Sad Gal to make up her mind to make a choice & stop wallowing in confusion & bewilderment. Not to tell her which choice is correct.
Secondly, i encourage her to go for the r/s as i perceive this is what she wants but has no guts to do so. If she is type A smoker mentality, why do we need to waste our breath to force our opinion on her?
She is an adult, let her be responsible for the consequences of her choice & learn from the experience lah. After this r/s, the next time she meets such compromising scenario, she will know what choice to make from past experiences mah.
Are you going to hold yr kids' hand forever?
Dont get me wrong, im not advocating affairs here .
I just hope Sad Gal has the courage to make up her mind, and stop sitting on the fence.