In a dilemma,stuck in a painful situation.

Dear all,my husband and I have married for 2 years plus.For these past years it was filled with quarrels and tears.he has a hot and quick temper.i did not know abt this after I experienced it after the marriage.a small thing about his cleanliness can evolved into a huge quarrel with him getting violent. I have been going to and fro my mum place because of the quarrels to cool down.
Sometimes I will think of divorcing him but the stigma of being a divorcee will make me put behind the decision again..all my friends are happily married with children and I'm the only one faced with such problems.. I feel very lost and frustrated. I'm no longer young.what I hate most was him slamming things and being violent.
 


It has been two years on and off.have been shuttling to and fro my parents house during the down periods.talking to him has to be tactful and it is really tiring.he has a huge ego and won't admit to mistakes easily.i dun really have anyone to confide in as most of my friends are happily married with kids.seeing them so happy only reminded how sad i am.we went for counselling too but he refused to admit his faults.the worse part is he couldn't control his temper and gets violent when he is angry..Also in front of my parents and counsellor he distort the truth,forever being defensive.i did mention divorce with him and there was once he flared up and get violent again.he threatened me not to mention the word divorce again.in front of his friends he acted like a goody two shoes but when he is at home and angry he acted like a monster.
 
I feel so upset why my marriage has ended up in this way.im already in my early thirties and perhaps a bit too old to start all over again if I file for divorce.at the same time I wish to break free from the misery.time and again when I summoned enough courage to make a decision to end it,he will cried bitterly and being soft hearted i always sympathize with him
 

wluyan

Member
hugs. everyone deserve to be happy and 30 is still young. understand that walking out isnt easy but if u think the marriage wont work, dun wait till you have babies.
 
When u marry the wrong person,things has become such.sometimes I wish I never marry him in the first place...getting out now is like so tough also.
 

wluyan

Member
yeah i understand. i was with someone for 18, he was the same like yours.thats why i said to think abt it . u dun have kids, its easier to walk away and restart , even as a single. its better to be alone and single than to be an a*h ^_^
 

wluyan

Member
you cant remove the rights of the dad or kids to each other but yet you do not want to see him cuz it reminds you of the hurt and bad memories. and financially its very tough and not many guys would hang around girls with kids unless its those ah peks . lol
 

Pandora8

Member
Hi Meadows

I sympathise with you. Cos I think getting married is a huge commitment and you should know the guy or girl you well enough before marrying. But really, can we really know a person that well? Since you guys have no kids yet it is easier for you to make some hard decisions.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
When u marry the wrong person,things has become such.sometimes I wish I never marry him in the first place...getting out now is like so tough also.
You don't have kids, it's just a legal and more headache breakup .

Meadows, sit down and try very hard to imagine yourselves going thru this for another 20 to 30 years. It would be exactly the same as it is now for decades to come. He ain't changing , it's up to you to accept it. If this's how your want to spend the rest of your life.....
 

Tangent

New Member
Hi Meadows. I understand how it's like to be with someone like that. I believe u deserve happiness and shouldnt have to settle just so u wont have to start over again. You're still young and there are many many more years ahead of you. Sometimes, 长痛不如短痛. But please careful since he gets violent when u mention breaking up. Perhaps u can try to talk it thru with a neutral 3rd party present. Jia you and take care! Hope everything works out fine for you..
 
He does.he hit me before over petty domestic issue.there was once he slapped me on my arm and locked me in toilet becos he overheard me telling my mum that earlier during the day he tried to hit me with the vase.it took me quite some time to get over it and I have made a police report.when the first time it happened I was advised to take ppo but later on I relented becos I
wish to give him another chance as he agreed to see a counsellor.unfortunately the counselling didn't seem to have an effect on him and the second time he lay his hands on me again.this time round I did applied for ppo against him.he appeared remorseful and agreed to the grant of the ppo.and again I gave him another chance.sometimes I feel so silly for giving him chance after chance but I just have very little courage to leave.also when he is not in his flustered mood he can be really nice to me.deep down,I knew I have to do something about my future and I really hate myself for marrying him in the first place.
 
I tried asking his close friend to talk to him about his hot temperedness and violence but to my annoyance he actually sided with him
becos to him my husband is a helpful and good friend.i can't believe it.anyway my husband has a goody two shoe image which people will perceive him as a good person.a person should not be judge based on appearance.
 
Talking abt violence,the first time he actually exhibit it is on my 30th birthday.i really value this new milestone in my life but he messed it up on that day.its also the first birthday I celebrated with him since our marriage.he bought me a bouquet but there was some holes in the petals and I requested him to change.unfortunately on that day he was in a bad mood and refused to change.as it was my birthday and I wanted things to be perfect I persuaded him to change.i did not know that he would resort to violence and I wish I never asked him to.he smacked me on my arm and put a blanket over me and punched me repeatedly becos he wants to stop me from crying.i did not called the police then because it was the first time I experienced this.i went back to my mum place and stayed for a month and my dad gave him a stern warning which he did not take it to heart. I told m
y best friend about it ans she advised me to leave him.I dun think I can forget what happened.i told his parents abt it and his mum actually said that HE HAS A BAD TEMPER AND USED TO BANG HIS FIST ON THE TABLE WHEN HE IS ANGRY.she said as his wife ITS MY DUTY TO DISCIPLINE HIM.i can't believe my ears.instead of reprimanding him,she is finding excuses for him.she being the mother has failed to discipline him all these years and has the cheek to say that now it's my duty to discipline him.lol.she said that in front of him some more,like encouraging his behavior.his father similarly scolded me and bang his fist on the table when I told him crying that his son actually hit me.my mum was present when the father in law done this unruly action,having no respect for my mum who is also an elder.he said that i must have make him really angry.the point is their son gets angry easily .what a bunch of unreasonable and mean in laws.my mum said its no use telling them as they will side their son.sigh.i really hate them to the core.

Sometimes he will threaten to kill himself during arguments arises from domestic issues or I express unhappiness if he leaves his things around the house instead of clearing up.but each time he threaten to kill himself,afterwards he will say he "act act" only.once he dashed out of the house threatening to jump over the parapet and I screamed loudly for him to stop and tried to hold him back.my heart almost dropped then.hearing my screams he seems to regain his senses.im angry and upset that he actually pulled this stunt when he is angry or upset.

One of my friend said dun care when he threatens to kill himself. However I do not wish to take any chances as when one is upset he or she may do things without any sense.told the counsellor abt it but it did not help matters much.was advised not to agitate him.i told her he might not be in the right state of mind citing that he could still go to work which means he is still normal.cant believe it.

My dad said I'm blind to marry him.sigh,coz I did not monitor him properly during courtship.he was on his best behavior then which everyone does at this period of time.i guess I failed to recognize his true colours.
 

wluyan

Member
a guy hit u once , he will always hit u. u dun need this in your life. leave him. u dont deserve a guy like him.
 

Tangent

New Member
He sounds really dangerous to be around. U should do what u think is right for yourself. Dont worry about what others say
 

Pandora8

Member
Sorry to hear that meadows. Since you have already stated here that you have regretted marrying him I guess deep down you already quite fixed on leaving him.
 

dloreangel

Member
violent men are dangerous. you cannot underestimate their strength when they lose control of their emotions.. i also think you sound like you have made up your mind on this relationship
 

dloreangel

Member
i read from a blogger before that she also had a violent husband. they have children somemore.. but she decided to leave him and from her stories, i guess it's definitely a good decision. hope you can have enough courage to do whatever you have decided!
 
Do you want to reach until a stage where one of you is killed? There should not be an violence in any relationship. Just leave him.
 

Tangerine777

New Member
The thing about marriage, i see you good, you see another couple good.
Nobody except you will know exactly what happened.

Parents will ALWAYS side their own sons.
So no need to reason with them.

Do what you think you would like to see, 3 years later.
Envision it.

Are you going to stay put, be a happy single, or being another happy relationship?
Early 30s only.
Still young ok.

I have friends marrying in their 40s, giving birth in their 40s.

Just think. What are you going to be like 3 years later.
 

life_is

Active Member
Wonder what is his side of the story.

Have you tried sending him for anger management? Any other way he can manage that rage? Was he provoked into all this?

Hope you don't have children so that at least, if you decide to divorce, there are no repercussions. Divorce can be very expensive and energy draining, and should be taken as a last resort. Have a talk with him and tell him that you cannot take such behaviour anymore, that if he does not do something about it, divorce will be the outcome. If it has to come to that, try to discuss the terms calmly so you don't end up donating to lawyers.
 

huy0319

New Member
my bf also bad temper.. i think most of the guys are hot temper. and he got very serious OCD. every small thing, he will make a big fuss and panic, the good thing is he nv vent his anger on me before..

how i deal with him is, when he throw his temper. i will jus keep quiet. pretend not to hear and let him rant. once he enough of ranting, he will stop. i am a hot temper person as well but i know that if we both flare up, it will be disastrous so i try to keep myself cool and becos of his hot temper, i learn to be tolerant as well.
 
Hi ppl,thanks for your reply..he did not wish to acknowledge that he has anger mgmt problem.i make him go for one with a therapist but I found out later on that he actually lied that he went.
 

winter_gal

New Member
Hi meadows, hope you are coping well..

Im going through exactly the same thing as u, its really tiring and scare dunno when will he beat you again, but non the less, u still have to protect yourself.. if I were you, I would have file for annulment, as do u think he will change 10 years down the road? he is like this maybe since young and this character is already there hard for them to change... this kind of man must stay away.... If u got no children its easier lor.
 
Yes totally agree u shld leave him now. Im not sure how long u know ur husband but if there is a chance to know another guy, spend more time to observe. If there is chance, stay with him a few days to see how he treats u.. Its strange when how a man and treat u well before marriage and changed into completely different person after that
 

winter_gal

New Member
its becoming common on how different a guy can treat u before and after marriage.. maybe after marriage and things are stagnant and therefore they eventually take u for granted... all my friends also having blissful marriage and how nice the hubby treats them... while im the opposite of my friend.... that is why i never really meet them also..
 

life_is

Active Member
its becoming common on how different a guy can treat u before and after marriage.. maybe after marriage and things are stagnant and therefore they eventually take u for granted... all my friends also having blissful marriage and how nice the hubby treats them... while im the opposite of my friend.... that is why i never really meet them also..
I've learnt the hard way not to be nice to women. End up losing everything, and all my rights. Going to turn my story into a business model to help men get their rights if the relevant ministries still want to be unfair to men. Time to make a killing out of loopholes in the system.
 
I've learnt the hard way not to be nice to women. End up losing everything, and all my rights. Going to turn my story into a business model to help men get their rights if the relevant ministries still want to be unfair to men. Time to make a killing out of loopholes in the system.
Hi Life_is, there is no point being bitter.some women may do u wrong but there is no point harbouring resentment for it.it eats into u.i dun know what unpleasant encounters you had in the past but no matter what,stay positive for ur own gd.i know easier said than done,but you only have this lifetime and you would want to live it wisely and fruitfully.past experiences makes u wiser and helps u in finding the right person.not all women are bad.same applies to men too.do not allow a few bad eggs to destroy ur perception.u need a positive mindset in order to find the right one.have a gd year ahead.
 
its becoming common on how different a guy can treat u before and after marriage.. maybe after marriage and things are stagnant and therefore they eventually take u for granted... all my friends also having blissful marriage and how nice the hubby treats them... while im the opposite of my friend.... that is why i never really meet them also..[/QUOTE
Hi meadows, hope you are coping well..

Im going through exactly the same thing as u, its really tiring and scare dunno when will he beat you again, but non the less, u still have to protect yourself.. if I were you, I would have file for annulment, as do u think he will change 10 years down the road? he is like this maybe since young and this character is already there hard for them to change... this kind of man must stay away.... If u got no children its easier lor.
Hi winter gal,thanks for the advice,I agree with what you have said..im fine and doing what I think is right.I'm sorry to hear that you are in a similar predicament.are you married to him? Or he is ur bf?if ur married to him,have u taken the necessary precautions?try to identify what angers him and not engage in a argument when there is only the two of u.be alert to where to get help if anything happens.talk to him and tell him u felt hurt by his violence.do so only when he is a gd mood.try to identify what caused him to react this way?character or circumstances.get him to see a counsellor if he is repentant.he needs someone to tell him what is wrong with his actions.if ur in a courtship then I suggest leave immediately.He can do this during courtship,he wun hesitate if u become his wife eventually.no point being vexed over such men during courtship stage.May things goes well for u.
 
Yes totally agree u shld leave him now. Im not sure how long u know ur husband but if there is a chance to know another guy, spend more time to observe. If there is chance, stay with him a few days to see how he treats u.. Its strange when how a man and treat u well before marriage and changed into completely different person after that
Hi hopeful bride ,totally agree that men before and after marriage can demonstrate different treatments towards their wives. It's hard to predict when and how a person will change.impt to assess clearly before marriage.thanks for the advice and stay happy always.
 

winter_gal

New Member
meadows : its great to hear that u are doing well. And yes we are married, all my friend say that i'm too soft and he tends to take me for granted.. i also learn the hard way not to care about him anymore.. we are both like strangers currently.... its only my child that still bring us together... its not easy raising a child alone for this current society but im doing it right now... and i think i have become stronger for my son.. i use to be scare and soft but recently i find that im stronger... he use to hit me and im always seen crying... but recently he hit me again and im surprise that i didnt drop a single tears... and i did fight back not by hitting him back of course jus some scoldings.. haha... which i dont use to do it... in the past im always keeping it to myself and cry in silence...

agree that its also the woman that make the guy change, be it the woman is too nice or too demanding... well, people change, and its just my luck to have met such a guy... i just hope my child will be a better person next time...
 

Infernolord

Active Member
I've learnt the hard way not to be nice to women. End up losing everything, and all my rights. Going to turn my story into a business model to help men get their rights if the relevant ministries still want to be unfair to men. Time to make a killing out of loopholes in the system.
Totally agree with you. I lost everything as well being submissive to my ex gf demands. looking back i was really stupid, being threatened and emotional blackmailed by my ex gf. Threaten to breakup cos i do not bring them to holidays or listen to their requests. These days gers are smart, they know their rights and how to make use to their advantages. Woman chartered law protected them and also let them abuse the system. Gers who are smart know they have nothing to lose. If they are pretty, there are still plenty of guys after them, in fact some are even more open minded than guys these days!

However having said all these, we do hv to take part of the responsibilities. We have a CHOICE to be with our partner. We give in to their nonsenses.
 
However having said all these, we do hv to take part of the responsibilities. We have a CHOICE to be with our partner. We give in to their nonsenses.[/QUOTE]



Time to open ur eyes wide beyond surface beauty to see whose real and whose not.ur right in saying its ur choice.no one forces u to do that.when something happened no point complaining coz you gave in to their demands.
 
meadows : its great to hear that u are doing well. And yes we are married, all my friend say that i'm too soft and he tends to take me for granted.. i also learn the hard way not to care about him anymore.. we are both like strangers currently.... its only my child that still bring us together... its not easy raising a child alone for this current society but im doing it right now... and i think i have become stronger for my son.. i use to be scare and soft but recently i find that im stronger... he use to hit me and im always seen crying... but recently he hit me again and im surprise that i didnt drop a single tears... and i did fight back not by hitting him back of course jus some scoldings.. haha... which i dont use to do it... in the past im always keeping it to myself and cry in silence...

agree that its also the woman that make the guy change, be it the woman is too nice or too demanding... well, people change, and its just my luck to have met such a guy... i just hope my child will be a better person next time...
meadows : its great to hear that u are doing well. And yes we are married, all my friend say that i'm too soft and he tends to take me for granted.. i also learn the hard way not to care about him anymore.. we are both like strangers currently.... its only my child that still bring us together... its not easy raising a child alone for this current society but im doing it right now... and i think i have become stronger for my son.. i use to be scare and soft but recently i find that im stronger... he use to hit me and im always seen crying... but recently he hit me again and im surprise that i didnt drop a single tears... and i did fight back not by hitting him back of course jus some scoldings.. haha... which i dont use to do it... in the past im always keeping it to myself and cry in silence...

agree that its also the woman that make the guy change, be it the woman is too nice or too demanding... well, people change, and its just my luck to have met such a guy... i just hope my child will be a better person next time...
Hi winter gal,stay strong for the sake of ur child.perhaps you could get some protection at least for the sake of ur child.its not healthy for ur child to witness all these.and also,if he tries to be funny, u should try to dodge fast.does anyone else knows abr what he did to u?
 

winter_gal

New Member
only his parents know it.. as we live together.. but no one can control him... cos he is such a MCP... yes he did tell me even if i go to police he also not scare he mention that his ex also went to police to file a report but he also dont give a damn... well, i will jus keep my mouth shut and mind my own business ba...
 
only his parents know it.. as we live together.. but no one can control him... cos he is such a MCP... yes he did tell me even if i go to police he also not scare he mention that his ex also went to police to file a report but he also dont give a damn... well, i will jus keep my mouth shut and mind my own business ba...
He dun give a damn,oh really?he is just trying to act arrogant.if u ever file a PPO against him,he will have to appear in court no matter what.his ex is his ex.but you are his wife,and you have the legal rights to exercise power.did he caused injuries of any form to u?
 

winter_gal

New Member
hmmm so far no injuries... but jus bruises at the head.. my forehead that time did swell up.. but no bruise or whatsoever.. and the back of my head also swell up jus that no bruises le..
 
hmmm so far no injuries... but jus bruises at the head.. my forehead that time did swell up.. but no bruise or whatsoever.. and the back of my head also swell up jus that no bruises le..
So sad to hear that.the hurt actually caused ur head to swell?!that should not be taken lightly!did he apologize to u or show any form of remorse?for whatever reasons he should not have hit you!actually feels quite angry when you said your head swell.think u should do something to stop all these violence.
 

lhxChloe

Member
Hi Everyone!

I hope all of you are doing well and has leave the guy that hurt you all. I was in the same situation as well.

I'm a divorcee now with 2 kids (5YO & 3YO). I was with my ex-Husband since 2008, until 2011 we got married because I was pregnant but soon we divorce at 2012 after almost coming to a year of marriage.

He flirt and hits me, thus leading to a failed marriage. I decided to leave him after my Dad somehow "wake" me up by telling me that, I shall never return home to ask for help if any of the same thing happen again.

Which is when I realise that I should leave him, I was 19 years old that time; then I know that it was my family that I really needed instead of him, so I choose to leave.

He hits me to the extend that, he pushed me out into middle of the road and asked me to pick up ring that he throw or force me to swallow down necklace and bracelet when he got angry. I was lucky I did not die due to him trying to push me out to the road because there were police patrolling opposite where we are standing and they ran over to help me.

I didn't report him because didn't want to make things big until we got married, I thought he has change but I was wrong. He did not, still fooling around and not supporting the children at all. So .... in the end, I choose to leave.

And so glad that I've left him, and actually quite proud of myself at times that I raised the kids without his help. I'm sure my kids will be proud of me also. Heh.

Anyway, be strong and have courage. Things will got better because tough time don't last, tough people do.

God has his decision made for you, trust and believe in him. Who know what's there ahead waiting for us?

For I've found a great man now and we're getting married soon :)
 

winter_gal

New Member
So sad to hear that.the hurt actually caused ur head to swell?!that should not be taken lightly!did he apologize to u or show any form of remorse?for whatever reasons he should not have hit you!actually feels quite angry when you said your head swell.think u should do something to stop all these violence.
ya use his use his fist to beat me mah.. keep beating each bump about 5 times.. and his force u know la guys... no he did not apologise he jus treat it as nth happen... that is why i didnt wanna talk to him... we have not been talking much for weeks...

chloe : hi, im having a smile on my face when i read the last sentence.. im happy for u that u found ur mr right... u are brave to walk away.. for me, i do not have the financial to go find lawyer. so have to endure all this... i hope to break free one day..

anw, jiayou... stay blissful..
 

lhxChloe

Member
ya use his use his fist to beat me mah.. keep beating each bump about 5 times.. and his force u know la guys... no he did not apologise he jus treat it as nth happen... that is why i didnt wanna talk to him... we have not been talking much for weeks...

chloe : hi, im having a smile on my face when i read the last sentence.. im happy for u that u found ur mr right... u are brave to walk away.. for me, i do not have the financial to go find lawyer. so have to endure all this... i hope to break free one day..

anw, jiayou... stay blissful..
Go to Legal Aid Bureau if you need lawyer consultant. It is for people who are not people who has financial problem. For me is, my ex Husband pay. At the cost of $3000 or lesser. Which is just last year.

If we don't be brave, who will be brave for us? There'll always be rainbow after rain, or sunshine after rain. It will never always be raining. So have courage! And of coz I'm not encouraging you to divorce, but if he is ill treating you why still stay after chances are given?

A leopard will never change its spot. Once bitten, twice shy. It was never easy to walk out, but sometime all you need is just that courage to take that one step out.

Beside that, go to a police and ask for a PPO (Personal Protection Order). Take down bruises and injuries he had made on you. If anytime you're divorcing they're very good evidence. By the way, if I am not wrong, you can also divorce and request that he shall make the payment for the divorce.

*Hugs* Be strong. Talk to me if you need. You can always find me here or any social website like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Dayre or even Blogger.

Thank you for the well wishes! :)
 

winter_gal

New Member
Chloe : ur ex husband wants a divorce??

yes that is what i tell my husband too, if he wan divorce than pls go find a lawyer and of course he pay.... he keep ask me go find.... if i have the financial ability i sure to have find one long ago... thats why i stay... married is so easy but divorce is complicated where HDB and kids are involve...

the injuries has no "blueblack" its jus a bump ... roughly how much is the legal aid charges?
 

lhxChloe

Member
Chloe : ur ex husband wants a divorce??

yes that is what i tell my husband too, if he wan divorce than pls go find a lawyer and of course he pay.... he keep ask me go find.... if i have the financial ability i sure to have find one long ago... thats why i stay... married is so easy but divorce is complicated where HDB and kids are involve...

the injuries has no "blueblack" its jus a bump ... roughly how much is the legal aid charges?
I wanted the divorce, we were on separation terms and coming to 3 years of separation he asked for divorce.

Because during those separation days, I went to family court to sue him and asked for the maintenance fees that he had to pay me, he didn't come to the court and so warrant of arrest is issued against him, so I called the police while waiting at where he work and they arrest him then I not sure what happen next. So the next court session, he came & paid me. After the session end, he told me he found a lawyer that can do our divorce but term is no maintenance for me but I'll have sole custody of the children.

So he found and the lawyer do the paper work then we divorce. Yes, married very easy, divorce really complicating.

You can find the lawyer but let the lawyer know that you want him to pay the legal fees. That time I went, legal aid I pay only $1. Not sure if it cost different now. But must be 21 years, if not parents have to tagged along to be the applicant.

For me legal aid didn't work because my dad's salary is too high.
 


ya use his use his fist to beat me mah.. keep beating each bump about 5 times.. and his force u know la guys... no he did not apologise he jus treat it as nth happen... that is why i didnt wanna talk to him... we have not been talking much for weeks...

chloe : hi, im having a smile on my face when i read the last sentence.. im happy for u that u found ur mr right... u are brave to walk away.. for me, i do not have the financial to go find lawyer. so have to endure all this... i hope to break free one day..

anw, jiayou... stay blissful..
Think you should consider applying for a PPO.protect yourself and serve as wake up call for him.
 

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