<IMG SRC="http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/clipart/sad.gif" ALT=":-(" BORDER=0> Parents + F

[pekojam]

Finally decided to rant here hoping to have some positive advices + encouragement

I try to keep things short but I've been very upset and keep having inconsistent thoughts on how to proceed on with our wedding.

Fiance and I have been tog for 10 years, coming 11th this nov and we intend to get married next year. FML hates me cos she always think that I'm fat and ugly, never good enough for her son and that she insist that I put gong tao (some kinda witchcraft to make him listen to me). Over the years she has sorta given up on the idea of breaking us up but she has insist that she doesn't want us to go through the traditional customs because its too troublesome for her.

My mum wants a traditional wedding.

My dad is another ultra headache. Since eons ago my relationship with him has been bad. He is never proud of me, never happy to have me a daughter, forever telling people how useless I am and how great other people's children are compared to me. Always thinking that I am his burden even when I was a kid till today. His moodswings are so severe it affects me badly. Every time i look at him I see the disappointment in him that breaks my heart.

When I first told him that we are getting married, he was very upset thinking that I'll make him make him pay for everything even though we told him clearly that we do not need his money for the event. Over the months I have a few cousins getting married and when he told us that oh a cousin is getting married soon! I can see him beaming in joy. I don't see that when we talk to him about our wedding. His severe mood swings make me super upset

He invites people because people invited him to their children's wedding and the Guest list over my dad's side has been increasing like crazy.. from our initial of 15 tables increased to 32 tables at the moment.

I would love to have a nice and happy wedding while parents are happy for us but its just so not possible..

At this point of time part of me feel like just going to ROM to get the signature done and forget about the rest so that we can escape from all the problems yet part of me wants a proper wedding.

With all these dilemmas going on I keep pushing back paying the deposit of the wedding reception

Crying crying crying :_(

 

[infojunkie]

oh forget abt making the troublemakers happy...

they dun hv to get involved and u dun need their blessings.

just stick to ur original plan --

go ahead and hv ur 15 tables wedding banquet.

 

[matka]

Hello Pekojam

Stick to your intended 15 tables and tell him that he has X no of tables. Did you set any limits when you first told your parents? The guest list will grow for sure! If he wants to invite more people, then he has to be prepared to foot the bill if the angpows collected from those tables are not enough to cover. In the very first place, can the venue accommodate that many number of tables?

ps: You might want to use the acronym PIL for Parents-in-law. FML has another meaning, but in your case I think you possibly feel that way.

 

[cococherry]

Pekojam (pekojam)

that sux when parents have such mindset.

just stick to your 15tables, don't give in to unreasonable demands from parents. be firm with yr decision!

 

[xylon]

some food for thoughts.

if you want your parents to be happy, one option is to put aside your personal preferences and give in to all their requests. (if situation allows, like budget)

if you showed care and concern for them in everything you do, am sure they will be touched. (who wouldn't)

if u understand Chinese well enough, you may want to google for 蔡礼旭：幸ç¦äººç”Ÿè®²åº§

 

[simpleman]

I wonder why parents are such?

Shouldn't it be a happy occasion?

We can try to accommodate as much as possible but there are limits..

And I don't think giving in to him will make any difference in the relationship...

The place itself may not easily accommodate the increase in number of tables.. and if he wants to increase then he has to be prepared to top-up if the ang pow money cannot cover..

 

[miloice]

Having terrible folks didn't happen overnight. To say, you are an unhappy bride to be because of them would be seeing only part of the picture.

Both u and your partner have the right to pursue your happiness. Do what's within your means to accomodate. NOT MORE. Expect the drama. After 10 yrs, don't u know enough not to expect some kind of miracle? So, learn to accept the face u have difficult folks. Know what are your priorities and you would be less overwhelmed when dealing these issues. Its going to be difficult, no doubt. But, if you are clear of your objectives, then you would be more focused and less affected by the 'surroundings'. Happiness is not achieved by having a trouble free life. We can be happy despite the situation. Don't allow your happiness to be dependent on the folks when u already know their pattern from day 1. Be realistic in what you expect. What's important isn't the wedding day. Its very over-rated.

 

[infojunkie]

"if you want your parents to be happy, one option is to put aside your personal preferences and give in to all their requests. (if situation allows, like budget)"

æ„šå­!

 

[lovingyou]

Pekojam: Decide on the no of tables that you are giving to both sides of the parents and convey the message accordingly. A venue whereby it only allows certain no of fixed tables might be helpful too.. It might also be better to leave such discussion topics to your HTB to speak to his parents on the matter.

 

[susanna_low]

Either u can choose a venue tat suits your budget or do a buffet style? Ur guests can juz eat and go, food is not a issue as the food can be top-up.

In this whole world, nobody can ever make u unhappy except u urself. The most impt is to respect them as elders, treat them well. If u bother too much of wat others tink and put all into ur heart, u are placing too much unnecessary stress on urself and can nvr feel happy.

 

[pekojam]

Yeap I hve long accepted the fact that the road down is gonna be tough but I'm just overwhelm each time they come into the picture. Dad every now and then tell me he wants to die and that this home is meaningless when me n mum doesn't treat him well, his relationship with mum is terrible too. I can't please everyone nor want ppl to be very happy more like what upsets me is that there has been constantly no peace, not just wedding but in every day life.

As for the FMIL not PIL cos Fiance's dad is no longer around but step dad instead .. And he can't and doesn't know how to communicate with her.

I've been in fear because I'm very helpless on the planning plus I don't want and fear that on the wedding day they will screw things up.

 

[cococherry]

is yr dad suffering from some kinda mental illness? depression? is he working?

 

[miloice]

Please do not be as drama as your dad. He is already one pattern, learn to be numb to it and not overwhelm by it.

Drama a few times, ok, sure hard to take. Drama all the time, should have realize how to see through it else u will be miserable all the time. And by now, u would have been insane as well. I'm telling u this cos I have a very complicated family too. Relatives all look at us with pity feeling we have miserable lives because we are constantly caught in between.

Fact is, we are a very close and happy family despite all the issues. We deal with the probs together supporting each other.

Don't let probs bring you down. Never give up.

 

[denise80]

Pekojam,

While my heart goes out to you, I also like you to think about why is it that you seem really suay...as in your dad has a bad opinion of you and this lasted for years and also that you have similar in-laws who didn't like you. What could you have done to stand up for yourself and change others' opinions of you? Even if you couldn't, what could you have done for yourself so that you live a happier life? This is beyond your current pre-wedding woes. For instance, do you have this strong will in your to better yourself - whether looks, career, communication skills etc...to prove to ppl like them that you are better than what they think or do you wallow in self-pity and feel helpless each time they 'attack' you? Could you have perhaps done well in life so that you're independent from all these people who looked down on you?

By the way, I'm not trying to put you down here. I'm trying to address your problem because you can't change how ppl think or feel about you but you certainly can change yourself. If changing yourself could change their opinion of you, good. If changing yourself can't change their opinion of you, at least you bring about positive changes to yourself and you stand tall and confident of decisions you make in life.

 

[vios]

Pekojam

can see where denise is coming from. anyways, bet your htb is also caught in the middle because of his mum's biase-ness, but he needs to make some certain stand?

more often than not, it is impossible to make everyone happy, even much so as given your current situation. if i were you, i'll try to plan the wedding stuffs within my means - just need to find the courage to voice out certain unrealistic expectations coming from others - i know it's difficult, but you need to face it somehow.

be strong.

 

[powder]

this is like standing and staring at the math problem written on the blackboard...

u dun lift your finger, u dun write anything, u dun attempt, u just wait for someone to pass by to solve the problem... or maybe u hoping for the chalk powder to disappear...

u are still staring at the blackboard...

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Powder: sigh... i wonder sometimes wat can be done? Going thro a v tough time myself. Not sure if u or milo or sm can understand.

My mum is not v mentally stable. She is v negative in her speech n i am not her favoured child. Maybe i try my best in life but i am the least academically inclined among her chldn. (i rem how i got 9pts for my O levels n she was waiting for me with a cane at home). Anyway, having a parents lunch tis sun n she told me she dun feel like going. She told me i'm a failure, no men will want to be w me for long n tat i'm incapable of handling affairs n 'capturing' a man's heart. I come from a single parent since the age of 5, so i cant really explain how hurt n stressed i am by her words n behaviour. I've been avoiding my bf tis wk cos i'm so hurt n confused. Dun wish to tell him tat my mum mite not want to attend the parents lunch tis sunday.

Maybe wat i tot was respect to her is actually wrong on my part. Pls dun be too harsh on me cos i have alr given my best to believe in love n marriage. I'm so close to tears n wondering if she really decides not to attend the lunch tis sun, then should i not include her in future discussions? I am waiting for the parents lunch to take place b4 i start on any wedding preparations. I really find it v challenging n stressful n worry tat i cant take much more of tis b4 i hurt myself. Pls help to give fair advice but not too strongly pls cos i am really trying hard in life n i respect the different views i may get for me to reflect upon myself. Thanks.

 

[simpleman]

evon,

If she refuses to join the sun lunch.. just let her be.. don't read too much into this .. for future discussions, still involve her as per normal.. unless she tells you otherwise.

As children of our parents - we do what is necessary and we don't have to be filled with despair. We have our own lives and we have to stand up for what we believe in. We respect them. If they want to scream let them be.. if they want to be angry and not attend, we try to persuade them gently.. if all else fails, then just let it be.

I have gone through all that.. that is why I make it a point to be a father who is supportive of what my children want to do.. but NEVER interfere with their lives. I can guide or advise them.. but I can NEVER make decision for them...

 

[powder]

evon,

right and wrong is not blind to age nor race or religion. if u have done your best and u figure that your best is as right as u can get, then u dun have to let it get to u.

i'm facing a tough time myself now, but it's of cos a totally different issue altogether. unfortunately many times in life, we have to make a call and stand by it, even if it means leaving a person, a company or the country.

there are many aspects in life to be explored, why get stuck on one? even tho i'm pretty rounded in most aspects, my mum will always know what i lack, and tho she's not always right, i'll just leave her to mention what she wants. many things are not easy to explain, and even in explaining, they may not understand.

thing is, i would probably have shut your mum's mouth if she was my mum... especially in academic aspects. but then how many mouths can we shut? how many minds can we change? some are totally unaffected by the everchanging environment, choosing to live in absolute ignorance of what constitutes success, and live thinking that academic excellence will directly result in success... now, how do u even begin to explain that to our mums?

for me it just needed some visual emphasis... my house, cars etc. slowly they will realise that we're not too bad afterall... it takes years, doesn't it? and with some folks, they may even die with that ignorance. i'm a pretty direct and impactful person... let's just say if u tell me u've got 9pts for your O's, i'll ask if u've got 900k in your bank. it's these little statements i make since young, tat helped my other rethink and get in touch with what Reality actually is. if she tells me someone got a good job and salary, i'll tell her i hired a few pple and pay them good salaries... so on n so forth, if they dunget the drift, they never will. just like how some pple are more concerned with salaires than with income.

think within this angle, and perhaps u'll get around in a couple of years... it takes time, so u need patience. her decision whether ignorance or whatever, remains a decision u've gotta respect. u have indulged her in her ignorance too, dun u think?

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Hi SM and Powder, thanks for the replies. My mum still hasn't informed me whether she is going for the lunch tml. Will have to ask her later. I'm trying to stabilize my mood n learn to handle her better. Learning not to take her words to heart directly. Maybe treat her as someone who doesn't know me or understand me, then I won't place so much weightage on her as my mother.

I worry about her saying unkind things during her interactions w my bf n his family, which I will then have to apologize for n explain on her behalf. Sigh. Maybe it will all be easier, smoother n less stressful for me to just not include her in future discussions. Till today, I listen patiently to her when she talks to me n explain my viewpoint to her. She can just walk to the washroom n close the door when i'm replying. Sigh. Maybe if i eventually do make it thro' the wedding, i will only visit her once a mth to pass her allowance. Otherwise, the negativity tat she is spreading is really not healthy n v challenging for me.

 

[powder]

dun leave it too late to ask else everyone will be unprepared.

better not to have expectations knowing how she is.... what different would it be hoping for a guy to change? when u know he is who he is....

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Hi Powder, i agree w u. Honestly, i shd have learned to handle my mother better long ago from the 1st time she broke my heart. I've been too dependent on her cos of love n cos i only have 1 parent to hold close to heart since i come from a single parent family. So many times i forgive her n let the past go, to try n be close to her only to get hurt again.

Done w the parents lunch. Came v close to breaking up the day b4 n the day of the lunch itself. Too much for me to take emotionally n mentally. She was v nice during the lunch, commented abt how much she likes my bf n tat poor him has to suffer cos of my bad temper n character. My hands were shaking w anger. Ha. Trying to piece myself tgr n stabilize my mood w med n time out of the house w frens n my bf. Somehow, i feel tat i need to find myself back n anchor myself based on my achievements, my strength n the love from my frens. In future, sadly i shall keep my distance from my mother in order to protect myself.

 

[oneder]

Evon, you do not have to keep your distance from your mother to protect yourself. Does it change the fact that you are who you are?

For me, i prefer criticism rather than praise. You need to understand that they are just opinions and might be lesser than the truth. Of course you feel better when people praise you but it is just a recognition of what you really are. I like criticism because it makes me think of where i did wrong, be objective about it and listen with an open mind. If what others says about you is false, either you convince them by your own actions or let it pass because it doesn't change who you are. If it is the truth, when evaluate whether that is what you want to be, make changes if you think you will be a better person but don't make the change just to satisfy others. Acceptance is more efficient than avoidance.

 

[mediamonk]

I normally find people giving religious advice extremely annoying, but the serenity prayer is pretty useful here. Just take out the word "God" if that helps.

THE SERENITY PRAYER
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.