I'm tired...Guo Da Li problems...Need Help

rubbermaid

New Member
Hi girls, I need help with this problem...i feel so STUCK.

I have VERY traditional parents. My HTB comes from a more ang-moh sort of family, where my father-in-law insists that he will NOT do any form of ti qin nor provide any guo da li, he feels it's meaningless. My parents are insisting that they do something, are waiting for them to propose and ask them what they want in terms of the dowry.

I feel very frustrated and angry. On one part, I know that my in-laws have been very kind and they have not asked for anything AT ALL for our wedding, they will just follow whatever we want and just want us to have a good time. On the other part, my parents are just insisting that they have this and that...it makes me SO TIRED.

I really don't understand why they must be like that? It has ended up in so many quarrels and arguments..why can't they just let go of the tradition and let us have a happy wedding instead? While I understand that a wedding involves both the families coming together and I do respect them very much, sometimes I feel as though they have no respect for what we want, as the bride and groom, either!

My HTB is very busy, granted his line in the finance industry. We absolutely have no time to do all these...and sigh, we're both not traditional at all....sigh, how do people manage a wedding when everybody else, who is NOT part of the wedding, tries to place in their own agendas???

Need help.....!! I'm so tired....
 


key_word07

New Member
Hi Baba..
I understand your frustration actually.
My parents are very traditional also and being the only daughter..sometime i have to give in to their demand as well. Well..i think they have the best intrest for you..cos some of the traditional customs is actually meant well for you. By right the groom side should take obligation to accomodate the bride's side family...according to chinese custom lar.Why not just ask ur parents what they want..list them out,just find one weekend to shop for these things..then just find one day get your HTB to bring down the things to your parents. For the Ti-qing maybe you can do it on your food tasting day? Just like a session for both side parents to meet and discuss on any neccessary wedding details.
At the same time also try to explain to your parents tat as ur hubby is westernise kind of family..so they should try to do away some formal customery too, if not very difficult for you.
Cheer up k. Everything will just turn out fine.
 

ariesta

Member
hi rubbermaid, ur PIL also not veri nice....if they r really veri kind to you 2, at least they shld be bothered to do a Ti Qin. Ti Qin is a form of respect for our parents tat shows that we value their opinions. When your HTB asks ur parents for your hand in marriage, this is impt too... its seeking parental approval. even the western countries do tat...watch "meet the parents" and "meet the fukers" .... the meeting up of both sides of the parents shld be done...coz ur parents would want to knw wat type of family ur HTB comes from...they would want to know them too!

as for GDL, i used to be irritated by tat too...all the cakes, need to give to the relatives. dowry....blah blah....wats the point rite? the pt is that ur parents wants the best for you.
Dowry - needed, it used to be due to daughter marrying off, so the groom side give dowry to compensate the bride's family...but now, i tink its used more for the AD preparations...ur parents also have to prepare for your AD...unless u r not going to hav customary .... the morning activities, whereby ur parents have to pay for buffet catering... this is so for my case.

cakes: to be given to relatives. A way of informing ur relatives u r getting married. A form of respect to relatives.

the miscs: all for the baby....hahaha....wat baby tub, the stool blah blah....its to symbolise the couple's future.
 

rubbermaid

New Member
so tiring to do all those things right?
sigh!
my PIL are indeed very kind..but my father-in-law is really stubborn..he told me straight in the face that he doesn't believe in giving anything for the bride, because he believes that a daughter is priceless.
i was left stunned when he said that! i really didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.
my HTB did ask my father for my hand in marriage. (because i constantly hinted to him that my father wanted to him to do so). then my father kept saying that he doesn't like to talk about money and doesn't want my HTB to give him anything regarding GDL.
and now he says that we don't respect him by not giving GDL!!!!!!!!!! I think that's where my HTB really got pissed off. I understand also..it's like, what does my parents want, right?
headache!!
 

ariesta

Member
yup yup...its veri tiring....plus at first we dun even knw where to buy all those stuff...plus wif our "multi-culture", every dialect group's customs all come together...like rojak... plus half of the things i will nvr use one...sigh...

baba, ur dad sounds like traditional chinese man... for "face", they say dun hav to gif GDL..but in their heart they want you to gif them the GDL too... plus when ur dad ask ppl, they will say tat yes their Son-in-law got gif GDL blah blah...like tat ur dad also veri hard to "xia tai" plus ur relatives and his frens will be "advicing" him wat to get...marriage is not abt just 2person...its abt 2 whole diff families coming together...rem, dun quarrel wif ur parents for this, ur parents also want wats good for you....see if you can negotiate wif ur parents regarding this....
 

monkie

New Member
i can underdtand your dad stand point and I don't think he is wrong to ask for "Ti qing" and GDL stuffs. its chinese tradition to exchange for things ...and also courtesy for "ti qin".

for the real reasons for not doing "ti qing" and GDL, could be like what he say "daughter is priceless" or maybe to view it negtaively is he don't borther about this marriage. Whatever the case, lets try to look at the brighter side.

Marriage involve not only 2 person but 2 families. for what you can see is, your in laws side are more aloof and they rather be "FYI" and not "FYA". for this incident, just don't expect anything from them in the future.

well, just try to talk things with your dad. if not, is there any chance to get representative from the groom side to Ti qing and involve in GDL? like your HTB uncle and aunty?
 

leejeslyn

New Member
hi may i knw how soon muz the guy's side parents to meet our parents for Ti Qing? Cos me & my FH had alr booked our banquet for next Oct next yr last mth...but my FH's parents hv not even initiate a meetup for Ti Qing...
 

monkie

New Member
hi jeslyn lee
there is no fixed rule for this.
but it will be good to be done at least 3 months before wedding to discuss GDL details.
 

monkie

New Member
xmasnowy...
still early lar..no worries..
but i think if possible get them for informal meeting like..meet for dinner/lunch etc.
 

monkie

New Member
not a bad ideal..normally during CNY period, everyone mood is good. so suay suay they can't stand each other will also try to control a bit because they afraid if they lost their temper will cause bad luck throughout the year. hheeee

but dun worry lar... nowadays most parents very open minded one..so long their children happy, they will happy.
 

joenbby

New Member
baba

how has it been so far? hope u r settling with some thoughts at least. Planning for a wedding is that frustrating especially when it involves the whole world. My in laws are supposingly "westernised" as well so not interested in ti qin and guo da li as well. My dad being a traditional man looking at more customary stuff. As a daughter, the least i can give him before leaving the household is to fufil his wishes (as long as not terribly overboard). It really comes to you and ur htb in compromising the details. I felt bad that there's no proper ti qin as well but the hotel has been booked what's the point of doing that. of cos my side is not tat please but luckily they care for me too much to be upset. Therefore I insisted in guo da li...at least satisfy my dad's list of items, not too elaborate.
There was a point where i decided to call everything off because of the differences between 2 sides but i've managed to work things out with my htb and we both agreed what matters most is that we are the happy ones. So good luck baba, talk to your htb and see what he can do for u...
 

may_bride_ann

New Member
Hi baba,
I understand how you feel. All the arrangement are full of hassle. My parents and parents-in-law just met up late last month to discuss about Guo Da Li. The discussion ended with all parties being sour, unhappy and full of resentment.

My mother-in-law cut down the no. of tables give to my father and insist he should pay the rest if he wanted more tables. My parents argued with her about miserable "Si Dian Jin" which she is offering. They were very unhappy about the whole affair.

Now both parents are super paranoid when either my Husband-to-be or me answered any phone call relating to the parents.

Sigh~
 

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