I'm lost. pls help me.. )/

[lostbride]

Hi all, idk who I can actually really talk to and so I decided to post here. I really hope and appreciate any of the advices here.

Nope, I'm not exactly a bride to be yet as he hasn't proposed to me. But our hdb will be here next year, BTO flat.

My boyfriend and I had been together for four years now. Things hasn't really been so smooth for us to be honest. We broke up and patch that I had actually lost count.

In the very beginning stage we quarrel and broke up so frequent I think it's as good as a drama. But of cos thins get better as years goes by. But things hasn't really changed. We just learn to accept (I hope I'm right about that).

We are both looking for the settle down type and we are thankful to have met each other although the beginning wasn't that happy (no honeymoon period, at all). we proceed to ballot for bto and we are lucky to have gotten it at the first time. That was one year plus after we dated that we think it's time. Moreover, bto flat has to wait for donkey years before we can stay in.

Now thinking back I'm not sure if it's the right mindset to get a house cos of that reason or I should just wait for him to propose. but it all doesn't matter.

this year seems like a chore year for me. bad things happened and obviously putting our relationship into some tests. To be honest the result of it isn't that good, at all.

I was accused and charged to court last year Sept. And it has been dragging for about a year. Nope, I was framed by my previous workplace on this matter and I am really going through some clinical depression cos of this.

Throughout this one year we didn't rally quarrel that much but he isn't there for me either. During this one year I have to keep going to the police station for bails while the police continue to investigate my innocent.

Out of the 15 bails, he was only there for me 3-4 times. At the start he say he just changed job under probation can't take leave I accept it so is it when he is going for reservist.

But of the other times? He always tell me he can't take leaves and his work is like so important? My cousin and sister took leave to be my bailer even one of my closest friend took leave for me too.

But him as my SO? Nope! When I complained about it and asking him to take leave he actually say "can't you ask your family member?" as my cousin
do her own business she can afford the upper morning to go with me but she has her business to do. In fact as my SO I can't actually rely on him?

I told him if I have to ask my cousin or sister and not him then how to depend on him in the future? He kept quiet and just say "it's different". I didn't bother to continue anymore.

In dec last year, just two weeks before the Christmas we broke up bcos of a conflict. We hadn't really talk about breaking up after for almost a year if I nv rmb wrongly.

I was upset but somehow at that piont of time I seems to be able to work things alone. After all he hasn't been there for me much during the time I needed him.

I was very very close with his family. And I heard from his sister that he has been going out dating other girls. Sigh, it's had always been that case. He go out with other girls whenever we fight, have Cold War or break up.

So my sister encourage me to try online dating apps and I tried. I get to know other guys too. One not bad one actually (we are still in contact). But no doubts I still love my boyfriend most.

And so about 3 weeks later he actually came back to me and say he still love me the most. I said "I tot you have been dating girls ard? so what happened?" and he say none of them is still as good and he has no feeling at all. So we patch.

during the time we patch until recently July, we do still quarrel but none of us ever brought up the two words - break up. Until July, when I was told to have to go to the court. It was like a normal procedure one must go through even if I'm innocent.

But he broke up with me. He didn't trust that I'm innocent just bcos I'm going to court. My family and even my that close friend trusted me bcos they say they know me very well I will never do all kinds of things! I'm a very quiet and timid person to be honest. But yet he being my boyfriend for four years he doubted me.

My family believe that it's not the only case. but bcos my court will involve money. And whenever there's matter concerning money he will disappeared. My family dislike him eventually bcos he actually left me during this period of time. The time I needed him the most.

This goes on for about 2 months. The guy whom I met online started dating me again when I was single. I did try to go out with him and other guys but none of them can replace my boyfriend.

I was devastated I keep thinking why is it he is treating me this way. I had never lie to him or do anything wrong to him before. I loved him and put him more important than myself. I keep asking myself why. I was always there for him when I needed him but yet?

We talked once during this two months. He say to wait until my case close then see if we still want to be tgt. I was super upset. I told him if I'm gonna be okay I don't think I will need him back. but he give me all excuses to keep me still love him.

We even ended up signing to cancellation of the flat. But nope he didn't submit it so the flat is still ours.

As I said it dragged for about two months. He came back to me again saying I'm still the one he missed most. I of cos loving him so much that I don't even know I exist and accepted him back.

yea he came back to me even before the case close. he told me cos he really love me so much he decided to trust me. haa. but actually the truth is cos he get to know from my close friend the lawyer say the chances of me winning is high cos there's actually not much evidence to go against me. I'm innocent to begin with! But I just accepted him as I really love him too much.

my family nag at me everyday for being so stupid of cos. but I keep telling myself he will not leave me again when I need him. I try my best to help to pull the good impression back. it's hard but I'm still trying.

Now, there's another issue that seems like another test for us.

My grandfather is in ICU now. condition very critical. I'm scare and very lost. I am really going to break down anytime after all the problems.

But my boyfriend is not there for me again. in fact he wanted to go home when I wanted to visit my grandfather in he hospital but I wasn't too happy he ended up going with me.

But he didn't do anything much. I was crying but he just comfort me for awhile and sat down. when I told him I was disappointed in him he shouted at me saying I always have high expectation. am I really? but all I want was at least a hug.

forget it. I don't bother anymore cos I'm too worried for my grandfather. my grandfather have been in ICU for a week by now but my boyfriend only asked about him once.

yesterday my grandfather condition got worse. I texted my boyfriend and tell him I was very scare. it took him a long time to reply. I understand he was playing game. fine! but after I reply him back it took him another long time to reply again cos he is playing game.

I was so scare I needed him but this is what he is doing?

I'm lost ppl. idk what I should so. I'm tired. I know he is popular with girls and I had never felt any security at all. he said its not exactly his problem it's just me and I should learn to trust him. but his actions doesn't allows me to. I know it's unfair to him but he has bad record for lying to me, going out with another girl. but just once but right before we are tgt I told him I have trust issue cos I was betrayed and terribly hurt from my previous relationship and he say he will overcome with me.

but? idk. I wanted to break off but I can't. I really love him so much that all I think and care about was him. ):

can someone tell me what to do? pls give me some advices??

 

[lemonzil]

imo, cast aside your emotions and think logically. it's hard but it's actually for your own good.

if you can't trust him, what more about marriage? i read a lot of expectations from your side. I wonder if you both actually sit down and talk about each other's expectation?
expectations unfulfilled often leads to more unhappiness.
the expectations of each other during before and after marriage differs.

don't get married for the sake of it or for the flat. the price to pay, be it monetary, mentally, emotionally, is a painful one.

 

[Jessica Liow]

Hi

I had read your post.
In my opinion, I felt both of you could really sit down and talk things out together. If this had been done, you would be able to observe his attitude and response on how he treat this matter.

By looking at how the situation, I'm not sure if he is your first love. Sometimes it's a give and take. But what angers me the most when your grandfather is in ICU, he ain't here. Seriously, I think I had to be a bad guy at this point of time. Forget about him and start your life afresh! No doubt you guys had your bto and it will be ready by next year. But it would be pointless if you all go through the motion knowing that this is something that has to be dealt with before anything.

I suggest you give it a thought through. There are still quite a lot of nice guys outside..

 

[Sera22]

I agree! Be brave and step out of the relationship.. He Is not worth your time!

 

[miloice]

First off... he is not worth your time.
Next, you need to reflect over the entire thing. you are just as guilty as he is in this yoyo game. you love him so much, yet you can break up with him everytime. When you guy patch back, its again the same reason, you guys love each other. You get where I'm drilling at? You will never get out of the vicious cycle if you place it in the hands of others to decide. If its too much and you know this relationship is not what you want, do what it takes to cut it off. Its like a tumor. You must get rid of it or it will kill you.

Look at every relationship and person uniquely and individually. Don't make comparisons. Would you like your partner to go comparing everything about you with his ex? Everyone have different strengths and weaknesses, its actually very simple. Do you see a future together? Are you confident about this future? These answers will tell you the truth flat in the face. Don't bullshit yourself about your emotions. Emotions are like roller coaster, that is how it is always.

 

[PatChan]

I would say, consider it hard, from your post i dont see a reason why should you still stay with him at all. If possible get over this as soon as you can, by draggings further, you are losing more, dont forget, every month they are still deducting $$ from your CPF. Dun just think abt the flat. think more about your future. What is likely to happen in future may actually seems clear to you. if each time $$ is involve he will be missing, what happen to a wedding? what happen when you have a kid? what happen when you need to renovate your home? When he is always not there for you, what is he there for? to fill ur gaps? for to fill his? Cool urself down and think about it through. think about your future, tell yourself to have a happy life not one that always need to worry abt the other disappearance.

Hope your Grandpa get well soon and hope you will be out of the case soon! Good Luck!

 

[meimei1601]

Hi,

I know its painful to let go when we get use to rely on someone and loving someone too much. I have the similar situation like yours, telling him that all he need is to give me support, love and care. It will at the beginning, but will not at the end. Eventually when we keep asking, it will become stress to him and still walk out of it.

When he date someone else and still come back to you. you need to know one thing. Its not becos there isnt anyone as good as you, becos he didnt want to waste time and money going thru those things again and knowing to get you back to him is so easy. So why do he want to waste time on others? This will happen again and again.

I have married this man who I think is the one.. shower me with love and care etc before married, but as well... we have alot of disagreement. But whenever I need a mental support he is never there. And 3 months after married, he is tired and ask for annulment.

Can you imagine when u two are married and he act the same way? which he will. definately. Married a man will not make him change into another person or mature him. He will take thing for granted even more. Imagine there isnt a trust.. imagine u become his wife and yet gg out with someone else. imagine if you have kids and one day he is tired of you and walk out... leaving u with ur own stress, problems and yet still have to manage the heartache he gave u.

For him...He dont care!!, he wont be sad, wont be heartache, he dont care a damn thing.. He is selfish and his happiness is priority. he is like an emperor. If he is not happy... he just escape from everything and anything...

If you want a life like this in future... Than there is no one that can help you with. But if you dont want something like this, than its time to say good bye to it and seek for a better things in life.

I been thru sadness, frustration, pain, stress, depressed just becos I chose a wrong man. And we will be surprise how a person can effect our life. To him.. He wont even feel a thing if we are gone. All he felt was relief and happy and move on.

Woman tends to be more emotional. We tends to forgive the person again and again... just becos we love him so much and believe that he will change for the better. But NO..

Drop it. Move on... there is a reason why u know it now... the door is closing than let it close, there will be another door opening.. if you continue to hold on to it. the other door will not open at all and you will not know what is there for you.

In a relationship, all we ask for is TLC, a little tender, loving care.. a little support, a trust and the love. But neither these are there... than whats the point?

 

[khanompang]

hey babe, I've gone through something like you as a rough patch previously. Like your grandfather, my mum was hospitalised and in critical condition one period of time and that was the time that shook me. My exbf wasn't there for me at all - not even the mention of comforting me and supporting me (even if he did, it was a one off event); only visited her once in a period of almost 1.5 months. I was all alone to struggle with all the stress and the emotional ride, and of course, work issues. It was then when I saw my dad visiting my mum everyday (my dad and mum actually quarrel pretty often) that even a relationship like theirs, he was willing to spend time shuttling between home, work and hospital (and sometimes due to restrictions, he couldn't go up but had to wait at the foodcourt for the rest of the visitors to leave), he never grumbled. This was the time when I asked myself 'if it was me in future, will he be there for me?', and I realised that deep down in me, the answer was 'no'. Then I knew it wasn't worthy of carrying on, because, if we're not there for each other after marriage, what's the point? if he is like that now, he can only get worse after marriage. The flat is not an issue, if money solves the problem I'd rather spend it then spending the rest of my life in emotional turmoil (Fyi: I had a bto flat then too...)

No matter what, I think everyone deserves someone who loves them. I believe, deep down, you have the answer, whether or not to continue the relationship, all you need is a little support and courage to take that step. Don't worry about the future - fate has a way to work things out. I am getting married within the next month and I am glad I made the right choice back then.

 

[eilistal]

maybe you're always there for him that he never understand how it feels not having you there when he needed you.

 

[raysley]

Don't go into it....get your own life back be it single or with another partner....Life is Simply Awesome to go through such.... take care and be yourself....don't get too attached to this person...you sound bright enough not to go ahead....

 

[missus_wong]

sorry to hear what you're going through..like what the rest have mentioned, he is not worth your time, nor love. Enough chances have been given and excuses created for his behaviour towards you. Find someone who loves you as much as you love the other - not someone who loves you more or you less.

 

[veryhappyfeet]

it's the effort that counts. do you think he's putting in enough effort? some girls do ask for too much (not saying you) but i do find myself making ridiculous requests which, on hindsight, seemed over-the-top.

either you reduce your expectations, or ask him to step up his game. both have to compromise

 

[illuzion]

If he has to keep going back and forth with other girls, is he the commitment type? Maybe he's 'fishing'? And if he is committed, time to put his foot down and propose and stick up for you, regardless of the outcome of court decision!

 

[hitori]

It is obvious you are not his priority and he is taking you for granted. He knows you will never leave him so he play his cards well. To give him the benefit of the doubt, there maybe mismatch of expectation from both side, but that is a lame Excuse (for him). You got a whole life ahead of you, dun waste it. Time
Will heal Everything, leave that jerk and move on...