wonderingaloud
New Member
I met my current bf in university and is his second gf. We have been happily attached for four years until another woman appeared in our lives. This lady was his boss who started to be very "friendly" towards him and kept giving him pet names and even asked if he had a gf. My bf chose not to answer as he knew that she was interested in him and was supposedly afraid of backlash according to him.
This woman is a lot prettier than me, and can relate better to my bf as both of them speak the same dialect (yes i am dating a non-singaporean). Apparently they have been chatting a lot in office for about 2 months before my bf finally told me about her existence. Right after that, I sensed that he might have some feelings for her too, and being insecure, for the first time in my life, I actually insisted that we speak about marriage and plans for the future. My bf blew up and said that he hadn't even considered marriage yet as we are too young (by the way, he is 27 and I am 26). The next few days, he started to act weird and distance himself from me, and said that he needed space to consider our relationship.
Things went downhill since then. He started staying later and later in the office, and refused to hug me or speak to me as much as he used to, claiming that he needed time to think about the situation. He insisted that there was no third party and that his action was not the result of his female boss' advances. Being naive, I chose to believe him but became upset and agitated when he told me a few weeks later that I am not the woman he loves the most, and thanked me for the four years we spent together. He encouraged me to move on and give myself the opportunity to know other guys out there, and told me that he no longer loves me.
And two weeks after this, he confessed that he has found someone better that he can relate to (which needless to say, was his female boss). All this while, I came to know that he was constantly smsing, emailing and calling her while hanging up on my calls and refusing to reply to my emails. To complicate the situation, I was in a foreign land with him with no other friends to turn to as we had both decided to go overseas to build our careers. I fell into a depression, cried for nights, begged him to give us a chance to rebuild the relationship, but he told me to basically get lost and take my antidepressants and stop bugging him.
So I did just that - my heart basically died and I started making plans for myself. Three weeks later, out of the blue, he asked me out again and wanted to bury the hatchet with me. At first, I was elated and thought that my man had finally decided that he loved me more. However, the sad truth was that this girl was a player who subsequently lost interest in my bf and decided to move on and hit on other men instead.
My bf came back to me and insisted that nothing physical had happened between them. He said that there was nothing between the both of them, and yes perhaps he might have crossed the line but the most important thing was that he realised that I am the most important person to him. Yet I found out that when he got back together with me again , he actually bought things for the other woman. My hunch tells me that he wanted to make amends (apparently he had shouted at her which might have been the reason why she lost interest in him) with the other party. At the same time, two months after getting back together, I inadvertently saw his email to a friend which stated that he still has not gotten over her yet (presumably because he felt cheated and made use of by the other lady).
So we have been back together for a few months, even closer than before as we spend more time together and make more of an effort in communicating. However, the more I step back and assess the situation, and reading the pearls of wisdom dispensed by powder and the other forum regulars here, the more I begin to question if he is the right man for me. He delights in the fact that there was another lady fawning over him, but yet he tells me that he realises that I am the best out there as the other women who are still single at this age are probably problematic (obviously alluding to his boss). He says he will marry me, but he needs time to mature and get his finances in order. When I ask how long that would take, he is hesitant to give a specific timeframe.
My deepest fears are as follows:
1) That he has not seen enough of the world out there, and that as we grow older and know more people, he would have a tendency to stray again later in life when he realises that "not all women are as bad as he made them out to be" and that "it is important to have someone who can relate better to him (i.e. speak his dialect)"
2) That he has lied to me once before and was so cruel, that I may not actually understand him as well as I thought I did
I voiced my concerns but he told me that we should put this episode behind us and move on, especially since this third party was somewhat a blessing in disguise as it made us treasure each other even more (I would agree this was particularly true for me as I never knew how much I loved him until I lost him, although I am not sure if this was the case for him). I have actually entertained thoughts of breaking up with him but I am not sure if this is the best decision to make at this point.
I would appreciate it a lot if some of you, having been through a lot more than I have, could share with me your experiences and advise me on how to best handle this. Should I give up since alarming bells are ringing or should I give him a second chance? How do I tell if he is sincere about his mistake?
Thanks a lot.
This woman is a lot prettier than me, and can relate better to my bf as both of them speak the same dialect (yes i am dating a non-singaporean). Apparently they have been chatting a lot in office for about 2 months before my bf finally told me about her existence. Right after that, I sensed that he might have some feelings for her too, and being insecure, for the first time in my life, I actually insisted that we speak about marriage and plans for the future. My bf blew up and said that he hadn't even considered marriage yet as we are too young (by the way, he is 27 and I am 26). The next few days, he started to act weird and distance himself from me, and said that he needed space to consider our relationship.
Things went downhill since then. He started staying later and later in the office, and refused to hug me or speak to me as much as he used to, claiming that he needed time to think about the situation. He insisted that there was no third party and that his action was not the result of his female boss' advances. Being naive, I chose to believe him but became upset and agitated when he told me a few weeks later that I am not the woman he loves the most, and thanked me for the four years we spent together. He encouraged me to move on and give myself the opportunity to know other guys out there, and told me that he no longer loves me.
And two weeks after this, he confessed that he has found someone better that he can relate to (which needless to say, was his female boss). All this while, I came to know that he was constantly smsing, emailing and calling her while hanging up on my calls and refusing to reply to my emails. To complicate the situation, I was in a foreign land with him with no other friends to turn to as we had both decided to go overseas to build our careers. I fell into a depression, cried for nights, begged him to give us a chance to rebuild the relationship, but he told me to basically get lost and take my antidepressants and stop bugging him.
So I did just that - my heart basically died and I started making plans for myself. Three weeks later, out of the blue, he asked me out again and wanted to bury the hatchet with me. At first, I was elated and thought that my man had finally decided that he loved me more. However, the sad truth was that this girl was a player who subsequently lost interest in my bf and decided to move on and hit on other men instead.
My bf came back to me and insisted that nothing physical had happened between them. He said that there was nothing between the both of them, and yes perhaps he might have crossed the line but the most important thing was that he realised that I am the most important person to him. Yet I found out that when he got back together with me again , he actually bought things for the other woman. My hunch tells me that he wanted to make amends (apparently he had shouted at her which might have been the reason why she lost interest in him) with the other party. At the same time, two months after getting back together, I inadvertently saw his email to a friend which stated that he still has not gotten over her yet (presumably because he felt cheated and made use of by the other lady).
So we have been back together for a few months, even closer than before as we spend more time together and make more of an effort in communicating. However, the more I step back and assess the situation, and reading the pearls of wisdom dispensed by powder and the other forum regulars here, the more I begin to question if he is the right man for me. He delights in the fact that there was another lady fawning over him, but yet he tells me that he realises that I am the best out there as the other women who are still single at this age are probably problematic (obviously alluding to his boss). He says he will marry me, but he needs time to mature and get his finances in order. When I ask how long that would take, he is hesitant to give a specific timeframe.
My deepest fears are as follows:
1) That he has not seen enough of the world out there, and that as we grow older and know more people, he would have a tendency to stray again later in life when he realises that "not all women are as bad as he made them out to be" and that "it is important to have someone who can relate better to him (i.e. speak his dialect)"
2) That he has lied to me once before and was so cruel, that I may not actually understand him as well as I thought I did
I voiced my concerns but he told me that we should put this episode behind us and move on, especially since this third party was somewhat a blessing in disguise as it made us treasure each other even more (I would agree this was particularly true for me as I never knew how much I loved him until I lost him, although I am not sure if this was the case for him). I have actually entertained thoughts of breaking up with him but I am not sure if this is the best decision to make at this point.
I would appreciate it a lot if some of you, having been through a lot more than I have, could share with me your experiences and advise me on how to best handle this. Should I give up since alarming bells are ringing or should I give him a second chance? How do I tell if he is sincere about his mistake?
Thanks a lot.
