I wan to move on

[silensiozo]

Hi giveup,

try to find some distractions... just hope you try not to dwell too much on him and his mistakes, because he err not because you are not good, the issue is on him, its his personal issue, and nothing to do with you.

He seriously have problems up his brain and heart and you are just fine, please learn to appreciate and love yourself ok? Just think of your parents and how they would be hurt seeing you so depressed, stay strong for them, for all those who love you!!

take care girl! you will survive!

 

[mistral]

I am also going through the phase of trying to kill all hopes, dreams and expectations - of course, the context is different from yours. But I can understand the pain and drain involved.

Just gotta move on, baby steps at a time. You are stronger than you think.

 

[lost_n_sad]

I know;
he is not worth,
without him i will be better off,
i have to be stronger to step out and move on,
i not young anymore cant waste my time stand at the same place,

but my heart . . . i just can't ... ... feel so hopeless about myself.

why cant i be stronger,
why cant i just put it down,
why cant i just love myself more,

 

[sgbabydoll]

You will not grow stronger, become in love with yourself or let your past go overnight. But wanting to do all these is an important first step forward. Give yourself time to be what you want to be. And you need to keep trying, also stop telling yourself that you can't this and that.

 

[strawberry_love]

giveup,
you can do it!!

 

[shirleypoise]

Oh dear... the divorce rate is really going up..

The whole talk in this thread, n a few others, have been so depressing... One cannot expect to gain strength by dwelling upon unhappiness. Unhappiness begets unhappiness. Dun let this negative emotion affect you anymore.

Like doll has said, "You will not grow stronger, become in love with yourself or let your past go overnight. But wanting to do all these is an important first step forward." Let your mind rule over your emotions. Be more rational and less emotional.

You can overcome it much easier with the mind to want to do it. We all did.

 

[cappucino]

Hi giveup,

Do be strong. I'm like you, without job now, and am looking for a job. I'm also taking the steps like what Mistral has suggested to you. I had also planned to get a job first, be financially independent. Then got some savings for the divorce and get a lawyer then lastly I'll break the news to my family.

I can't let them know about my decision as yet because my mum will be very sad and if my family knows about his womanizing ways... they will surely confront him. I'm emotionally and financially not ready yet so I have to keep the feelings to myself.

Each time, there's any disagreement he will tell me that he considers separation because he finds that he don't like my character. It seems that he has got to have his way and his opinion matters only. Anyway, I felt that I was hold ransom to his 'threaten' of separation. I loved him so much and didn't want to lose him. The fear of losing him just eat me up.

Guess now that I've made the decision to move on, the actual act of 'losing' someone is not as scary as the fear of losing someone.

I'm feeling what you are feeling now too. Doll is right, we have to give ourselves some time to come to terms with it. Do brace yourself up.

 

[pink_sapphire]

hmm to me family is most important and u r as important to your own family as they to u. Your parents who have brought u up would least wanna see their daughter being bullied and undergoing all these unfortunate mentally torturing events. am sure u feel answerable to them esp in terms of taking gd care of yourself after all the yrs of hardship they been through to bring u up. so why not just let them know the whole truth , they will be behind u right then perhaps u can just move back with them instead of having to suffer and endure the humiliation by still putting up and staying at your own place and having to see the dishonest cheat

 

[pink_sapphire]

its a shame that his family knows abt his ill doings and still have the face to see u
and to him he is really a thick skin or perhaps trying to test his limits

 

[pink_sapphire]

be strong we ladies dun get pushed around ok

 

[sgbabydoll]

"we have to give ourselves some time to come to terms with it"

Let us also bear in mind that our lives are finite; our youth is finite. While we take time to come to terms with the issues, we should not linger too long in the same spot. Frankly, we need to learn and make progress, if not, we would be sliding backward. There is really no such thing as constant.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Just to add.....

Take time doesn't mean we stop all activities and do nothing, like not stepping out of the house, neglecting personal hygiene, etc. It means we take time to accept the full effects of a relationship or marriage breakdown, to get used to life without our other halves, to be independent, to self-reflect, to love ourselves, etc.

 

[lost_n_sad]

Hi doll, lyn2wen, breaKingfRee,
I will be strong, but feel a lot of time I am one step forward and 2 step backward.

Cappuccino,
All the best for your first step of finding job. I will do my best to step out.

Pink sapphire,
I know my family will do everything for me, but my parents are in 70s really don’t wish to let them to suffer on worry for me. I want to get things done and show them how strong their little girl have grow.

I don’t want to say too much bad things about his family. But whatever is it I know there is someone up there looking. And I have not own them anything.

Doll,
I did try and go out, but just feel I am like a zombie walking around and worry I will lost myself and cry in public. Now my home is my hiding place.
Don’t worry I didn’t neglect personal hygiene. I even put on make up and make myself look good if I need to go out of the house. (he don’t like me to put on make up, high heel).

Dear all, thank you for all the encouragement, I will do my best to move on with my head high.

 

[lost_n_sad]

simpleman,
At least you are out of the dark time. Congrate!

 

[pink_sapphire]

yes .. move on and live well and make your parents proud Cheers !!

maybe u might wanna try going out with friends or some1 for a start first instead of going out alone. think i know how it feels like cos i been through a heart broken relationship before too and in the beginning i even found it difficult to wait even at the train station alone for my friends who were coming to meet me cos being alone gives me time to look around at other ppl and think and sad thoughts or flash backs starts happening ... u might wanna stick around with friends , go out and cheer yourself up

 

[sgbabydoll]

Give-up, try to start work or take up a hobby? When you make progress in something or have something to look forward to, you will not easily feel you are sliding back.

 

[lost_n_sad]

doLL,
I am trying to do my baking again. I was having lots of fun when i have "love". Everyone love the muffin, cakes and breads i make. And i feel happy whenever i do baking.

But last year, after he bring back the mistress, my baking standard just drop. My muffin burn, sometime is undercook.

Last week my dad bday, my bro even ask me why i didnt bake the cake.

But i had try and pick it up again. Will start to use baking to stand up again.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Give-up, that's really a good start. Sometimes we just need an activity like work or hobby to propel us, to give us that lift. Yah?

Anyway, do you spend time with your gfs?

 

[lost_n_sad]

doLL,
I only spent time with one of my gfs, because she is in the stage of divorce. But she is busy with her 2 kids also.

As for my others buddy, i didnt dare to tell this time yet. The last time my buddy break down worse then me.

I spend sometime with the mistress and the baby also, because we get along ok. Even i know sometime she is using me to get info on my hubby. But i feel sorry for her and i believe she have a kind heart too.

But i am alone most of the time.

 

[duckyholic]

hi give up ,

i am amaze that with a character like your hb, he can have so many woman wanting to be with him ....
guess he must be very good in some ways with them

is he very good looking or rich etc?
i have single guy friends that cant even get a single gf b4 in entire life

anyway i can feel your pain deeply as my ex fiance is also like that , e day i discover, he actually handling 4-6 woman at the same time

for him, his attraction to woman is that he is very good with words , esp honey coated words, and have a very strong confidence n wide knowledge just like an encypclopedia that seem to know everything

i guess i was slightly luckily than u as we were not legally married then , getting ROM in 4 months and we broke off

imagine if we got married, i probably end up like you r now.

it has been 3 years already, i am still single by choice and still tink of him at times, i dun tink i can ever love another man as much as i can love him but i have let go and have get myself to focus on other areas of life rather than relationship .

I dun hate him ...whatsoever, i take it as part of my life experience n e biggest setback i had

just remember,
nobody can help yourself except you....

 

[lost_n_sad]

duckyholic,
like yours he is very wide knowledge and his job is a lot of women dream men. (start with a D). And he is very very caring and sweet with all the nice nice idea of buying flowers.

He is not good looking, he look meaty and decent and sometime a little geek, wearing tear or old spoiled shoes, pants. All kind hearted women just want to take care of him and give him lots love.

 

[duckyholic]

just to add, morally, eventhough these man "might " feel that they are wrong, but they cant control their action to stop womanising as it is in their blood, it will be forever till e day they are sick or enter the coffin

you know the chinese words " Dogs cant kick e habit of eating shit "

that time i told him " arent you afraid of retribution by cheating woman " ? of cos he will never believe such things

few months ago, he emailed me telling me he kindda mentally sick and need a doctor due to extreme stress n pressure.he felt that he is breaking down completely
he had made a wrong investment decision using his family funds to buy into a company shareholding in china and lose a huge junk of his parent retirement funds during the financial crisis last year .

well, money always matter alot to him , so i guess is his " retribution " i felt....of cos i dun say to make him feel worst , i just never replied

 

[lost_n_sad]

duckyholic,
no point to reply lar.

i feel is he dont feel what he do is wrong. He keep say he want to make "everyone happy" or something like "please everyone".
That make me feel he is hopeless.

 

[duckyholic]

ya, what i felt v hopeless during that period is " he dun even know that he has any wrongs" he insisted that he is only making friends, nothing more...till today , he never admit that he has any other woman and had hurt me, instead he point fingers at you for checking him ,,saying u are scary etc...

when man are at fault, they try to be more fierce than you to cover up their wrongs ..

in e 1st yr of breakup, is really tough for me to move on ..... i teared n cry everyday , even in office , in e train , in e street whenever my mind recall abt him
but i gather e biggest courage in my entire life to stick to the biggest and BEST decision i made in my life ...i repeated tell myself that i am doing the right thing and time had proven so..

i regain my confidence and had suitors along these 3years but it didnt work out, i have learnt to dealt with loneliness and learn to spend time to be with myself , is not a bad feeling afterall and i become much stronger n independent now

you can do it too..

if we live till 70-80 yrs old, u still have a better 30-40 yrs of good life ahead compare to the last 13 yrs u had suffered right ?

god bless u ya!

 

[sgbabydoll]

"but they cant control their action to stop womanising as it is in their blood, it will be forever till e day they are sick or enter the coffin"

Guess silence or tolerance on the part of the wife is a form of "consent"? Anyway, no point analysing these men. Leave them in your history books.

 

[serene_yam]

Hey doLL, WELL SAID! -- 'Leave them in your history books.'

 

[cappucino]

Some of the wife may know the womanising ways and forgave the husband or act nothing happened for whatever reason they have.

Some of the wife, were in the dark for so many years and didn't know the womanising ways of the husband because they covered the track so well. But no matter how careful they are, as humans, sometimes they may slipped up and exposed their flings/affairs etc.

I happened to be in the latter group, and had accidentally found out about his womanising ways. He is the type of man like what duckyholic described that will be more fierce than you to cover up their mistakes.

Since I decided to let go and let him has his freedom, I don't find the need to confront him. By confronting him, I know he will blame me for his actions and I don't think he will be remorseful to want to change or ask to reconcile. I'll focus on building up my finance, confidence, healing my heart etc. When I'm ready, I'll just go. In my case, silent does not mean consent, it means the end.

 

[pink_sapphire]

Baking is gd yum yum

i love baking too , i feel very happy when my pastry turns out well its like a sense of achievement

dun worry this is just a dark cloud passing phase like the saying goes "every cloud has a sliver lining" and "watever doesnt kill u only makes u stronger"

dun give up the entire forest just cos of a burnt tree hehe , u r so kind hearted even lending a helping hand to the mistress so u deserve better just close your eyes and keeping walking straight right out of this dark tunnel

 

[pink_sapphire]

maybe u might wanna detach yourself from his mistress and child cos afterall this might do u better as like wat u say his mistress motive of getting close to u is to try find out abt your husband but for u its time to get him out of your life so wat ever associated has to go as well no point humping over him with his mistress. u can just tell her straight that u r not interested to talk about him the next time she try discuss with u . In fact u should try not to meet or talk to her anymore cut contacts. (actually its amazing how u can be friends with her)

also u have done nothing wrong so u should not be afraid to tell every1 about it afterall u have already set your mind to have a clean break with him so sooner or later every1 will have to know. perhaps u might wanna tell them least they bump into your husband with another woman and child outside

 

[pink_sapphire]

anyway u dun need to help cover up for him he should know how to face up to it since he did it

 

[silensiozo]

dear giveup, since he doesn't want to repent or change for you and is still carrying out his flirting exercises, you should start collecting evidence of his infidelity so as to help you in the divorce proceedings, my friend told me that the party that files the divorce with solid evidence of infidelity of the other half, usually do not have to pay or pay much less of the legal fees which can amount to $3000.
Look out for reciepts, photos, or you can also tape down his conversations with the mistress. Photos of him with the mistress and child will also help. That way you also save on PI services. Time to get some justice!

 

[strawberry_love]

giveup, i 've read ur pm, will add u.

 

[heartpain]

Hi drained

I have PM you. Wanted to find out how you are doing...

 

[lost_n_sad]

Today I spent half a day with the mistress and the baby. The baby is so cute and fun to be with. But after I part with them, I feel so sad. Really hope my hubby can have that kind of time with the baby.

I sms my mil say I want the baby to be happy, and I should leave my husband long ago. And I cry tell my mil I am sorry to the baby. My mil ask me are you sure you want to give up on your husband? She know how much I love him, told her I really got no choice. I only want the baby to have a family. My mil told me but the father and mother cannot get along how? I really don’t know.

I feel I am really extra to this world, and feel so heart broken. I can’t stop crying.

 

[heartpain]

Hi giveup

Pls stop crying. U really deserve to find happiness. Leave the baby and the mother to your husband to handle. You dont have to worry for them.

Just concentrate on taking care of yourself...HUGS

 

[mistral]

There's no point trying to be nice if it hurts you, as no one else will be watching out for you.

Please love and respect yourself first, and focus on how you can improve on your own life.

 

[lost_n_sad]

pink sapphire,
He also don’t like me to be close to the mistress, he keep on tell me she is not your friend.
But I am lonely, I got no one to turn to, she is there at least when I need company.


Sliensiozo,
I only plan to file for the divorce when our separation paper is due next year. And I have nothing much to fight for with him.
So I not going to collect any evidence for his affair. Any way I can bring out the baby of the mistress as evidence if things really go ugly.

 

[strawberry_love]

giveup
u r very kind.

pls dun cry anymore, u r not the extra. Now do wat u shld, be strong for yourself. learn to move on with ur head high.

 

[lost_n_sad]

Mistral,
I didnt go out with the mistress to being nice. I just need the company, and i enjoy myself with the baby.
But maybe like what heartpain say, i should leave the baby to the parents. I cant do anything to make it better.

Think maybe i should just stay home in my bed and rot then to go out and feel sad again.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Give-up, perhaps you need to spend some time to do things for yourself, not for others, especially when the latter makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

[serene_yam]

Hi give-up, I think u really need a wake-up call. Can't u just hv ur own life? Stop feeling sad and bad, and thinking about the whatever bb. I don't know how u really feel abt the bb, but ur hb treats u in such a way coz u allow him to. If u want, u can continue in ur self-denial way, be good to the bb and ur hb's mistress, and be there for ur hb as and when he likes. Perhaps like this, ur life will be better right? At least u have people--mistress and bb to talk to, u won't feel so lonely, and on ur bad days, u can just stay at home on your bed and rot. On good days, u can talk to the mistress and play with the bb. Really! U choose the kind of life u want. U decide how u want people to treat u. Once u choose it, don't lament and sulk. If u want ur hb to treat u badly, then accept it as that's the kind of life u want. If not, just get out of this cycle. But then, u r so weak, u might be better off becoming good friends with the mistress and godma of the bb, since u can't stand on ur own and need companions such as them.

 

[lost_n_sad]

doLL, Serene,
Thank you for the wake up call.
I will keep my distance from the mistress and baby.
Really hope i can be better after he move out.

 

[strawberry_love]

giveup
u can be better, definately.
dun mix with the mistress n baby already, go to ur parents, siblings, friends...they r the ones who love u & u need most.
and if u like baby....... i can let u play with my toddler , hahaha

 

[lost_n_sad]

lyn2wen,
Thank you i can be your boy babysitter. hee

 

[sgbabydoll]

Give-up, when you are not in a positive emotional state, you really have to be selective in the company you seek.

 

[strawberry_love]

giveup,
np. next time you help me babysit him while i do my shopping

 

[serene_yam]

giveup, hope u don't feel offended but I really hope to see u stand up and stand strong. I may not know u personally, but as a fellow woman, I wish u well.

 

[starrynite78]

Love yourself more Look, all of us here want the best for you. I know its tough but it will be over...

 

[pink_sapphire]

yap there are a lot of things out there waiting for u to do like baking, watching tv, looking for a new job etc u dun hav to feel lonely anyway after all that your husband has done to u its not worth it to feel lonely cos of him just get up and out and be strong

 

[pink_sapphire]

i know its easier said than done but really wat ever u do maybe u might wanna take a step back and think if thats wat u really wanna be and wat u really wanna put yourself in for now perhaps u need to calm yourself afterall these not so fortunate events so that u can have a clearer mind