I wan to move on

lost_n_sad

New Member
Me and my husband had been together for 13 years and marriage for 6 years.

In the 3rd years of our marriage he told me he is in love with someone else and wanted to leave me. I was heart broken, and never see this coming at all. Everyone was surprise. Because he is like a big baby, he will look for me all the time. And we are stuck to each other like shadow to each other.

But I still let him go and he had sign the Deeds of Separation. Then within weeks he changed his mind, and say he wanted to be with me. (that time I did not sign the DOS) So I let him move home. Only a few of my best friends and his family know about this affair.

But one year later, there is some women knocking at my door say he had cheated their sister. I was so sad, but he told me he got nothing to do with that woman. Only that woman like him, he rejected her, that is why she come to our house. I had no choice but to keep quiet.

But within week he bought another woman home she was the one he choice to leave me a year ago. And she is 5th month pregnant and chase out by her family. I had no choice but to let her stay with us and take care of her. And all these was keep from everyone. But at later part before she give birth she moved and stay with his family. He don¡¯t want to divorce me say he make mistake and he don¡¯t want to marriage the 3rd party

And we thought all this will let him learn his lesson.

Now the baby is 14th month old, and history happened again. He is having affair again, this time round he had it with 2 women. And he go around telling ppl he is legally separated. And these women say they don¡¯t mind as long he spend time and money on them.

He will come home at 10-11pm every night and tell me there is no other woman. But he get angry with everything I say or do, and make me feel small.
Within a month I had lost 8kg and I had lost interest in everything in life. I just hide at home don¡¯t dare to meet ppl or even to talk on phone with anyone. I just worry I may lost myself and cry infront of my friends and family.

I want a divorce but he keep say he love me, he can¡¯t live without me.

I want to ask him to give me the house, but I am not working. All my saving was spend on him. I don¡¯t dare to tell my friends or family about all these. Because the last affair, I had see how hurt my friends are. I know they really love me and want me to be happy.

I want to get everything done then face up to those who love me with a new strong me. But I don¡¯t know where to start.
 


silensiozo

New Member
hello there...
gosh u are so strong to have gone through all these! please don't loose hope, i am sure you will survive this! What doesn't kill us, only make us stronger
happy.gif


here is contact of lawyers from another thread:
http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1160928.html?1250746658

i am looking for one through a friend, will feedback on the charges soon.

take care and stay strong, don't despair, please go to your parents and friends, they love you and will give you strength!
 

lost_n_sad

New Member
Thanks silensiozo,

I really dont know how to face my parents. My mum always say we behave like little lover (xiao qing ren). And she is very proud having this son in law.

But I know whatever is it, I had to let go this time.
 

silensiozo

New Member
Hey... don't be afraid to tell your parents, cos this is really not your fault u know? They will be on your side, just like mine, although my mum was proud of my husband before, but once she heard about his doings, she is supportive of my decision, as long as i have think through it. Although i have not told my dad yet... because he is too impulsive, i want to settle things calmly first.
 

mistral

New Member
Hi,

Are you working currently? A good place to start might be to boost your self-esteem (not to mention bargaining power for custody of children, assuming you want them) by improving your financial independence.
 

verysadman

New Member
Gosh, how can you accept his affairs time again..??? I must say you are strong and truly love this asshole...

Silensiozo -
can i have the charge for the lawyer?
 

lost_n_sad

New Member
Janey, i want to wake up and go. But now i cant even walk out of my house.

Silensiozo,I will tell my parents when things are done. They are 70s dont want them to worry.

Mistral, no i quit my job months ago. Because the last job take up too much of my times. Is looking for new job, but i got no cert and is in my 40s. We didnt have kid. The baby is with the 3rd party.

Sadman, i am stupid to trust and forgive him again and again.
 

heartpain

New Member
Hi giveup

You need to leave him. He is a womaniser. You must be very very hurt. My heart goes out to you.

Pls be strong. Like what mistral suggests, get a job, be independent and slowly build up your own life again. You can do it!!!
 

lost_n_sad

New Member
Heartpain,
Thank you, i am looking for job now.

lyn2wen,
Thank you, i will move on. Is too hurting to stay on.

the 3rd party call me coward. Because in their eyes i am too weak to fight.
Maybe i am not a fighter, but is he worth for me to fight for?

I am still learning to stand up, when i am ready i will walk out and leave him out of my life totally
 

onegoal

New Member
Please move on...........

U are a yes woman. He saw it and took advantage of it.

1)Give him a kick on his kuku jiao..(add power pls)
2) Move on and look for a new man. Life will be exciting!
 

precious_11

New Member
Its really time to move on.. and its good that you have made that decision.. pls pls pls stick to you and dun give in to him ok?? He so does not deserve u...*hugz*
 

silensiozo

New Member
yes he doesn't deserve you and he is just a waste of your precious time! we support you!! lots of hugs!! Let me know if you need any help ok?
 

mistral

New Member
" But now i cant even walk out of my house."

I don't quite understand this. Are you being locked up in the house? If you have no kids to take care of, is it because you have to do housework that you are unable to go out job-hunting?

It probably sounds easier said than done, but my personal view is that you have to put up a good fight - not against your husband, not against his many mistresses but yourself. I feel that you need to convince yourself that you have done all the best you can, before you decide this is your "fate".

For a start, difficult as it may sound, you could hint to your parents that you would like to gain more financial independence (if you want to put it subtly, then maybe package it that you want to help contribute to the family's earnings) and it is meant as a surprise for your husband (this should hopefully pre-empt them from talking to your husband about this). Once you have secured the job (baby steps, ya - if you need to take a longer road to climb higher, try to stick to it), you have just crossed a major point in your life. You will at least have convinced yourself that employers out there still see value in what you can offer. The other distractions such as insults will have to wait, even as you steel yourself to rise above your difficulties.

I really hope you can have the resolve to fight for your own happiness and the dignity you deserve.

Take care
happy.gif
 

ckgal

Member
if u need to engaged the services of a Private Investigator, pm me. I can recommend a good PI i used before. Take care
 

mistral

New Member
TS (don't want to call you by the nickname you have set for yourself; can you pls consider something more positive? it can have more impact on your confidence than you think),

Just to add that I think eventually you should let your parents know about the abuse as they will be heartbroken if they have to find out from someone else what is happening to you.

Below are just some points for you to think about:

a) Job hunt, get a decent (meaning something that preserves your dignity) job. Work on it, fight for the right to work.

b) When you are sufficiently confident at your job, you can then tell your parents what you've been through and ask to stay with them. Sure, they will be heartbroken at first, but you will have demonstrated that you are perfectly able to survive on your own - earning your own pay. I am sure they will be proud that you emerged stronger from your experiences and support you.

c) Then, if you really want and have the funds to do so, you can engage a lawyer to find out what are the steps involved in divorce.

The above is meant to build up your resources to cope on your own step by step, instead of reacting to your emotions and burning your bridges too soon.
 

serene_yam

New Member
Hi TS, I second what Mistral said. Pls don't give up on yourself. U r ur greatest hurdle in ur own life. I think u can't move on earlier on despite his numerous affairs is coz of ur own self. U might not be a fighter as in fighting for him, but u struggle in an internal emotional turmoil of fights within urself. Leave the man, his presence doesn't make ur life any better, and neither will his absence make ur life any worse. Go and get a job, never mind if u start low now, as long as u get urself going, u CAN DO IT. Move on, and don't linger anymore. He is not ur bb, and u r not responsible for him. U r responsible for ur own well-being. Crap abt him saying he loves u. I bet he loves himself more, and he's just a coward in his own world. Please don't listen to him and his seemingly sweet words. (That's how he managed to get all the other women, I believe) Stand up, and stand strong. It's ur choice to decide how u want him and also others to treat u.
 

heartpain

New Member
Dear TS

I think Mistral has given very good advice. Do think seriously abt what she suggested.

Most important thing is to concentrate on your own well-being and happiness, don't care about him!

We will support you!
 

silensiozo

New Member
Hello there,

found an online book that may be helpful for you...
http://heshistory.com/173/

It's written by a lady in her 40s, about her divorce from her unfaithful husband, how she put it behind etc...

hope it helps!

sigh just realise age is really a factor on how well we survive...

Stay strong everyone!
 

newhope

New Member
hi there,

you must move on. the most difficult part is to let go totally and you must do it. Otherwise you will forever be under his control.

i have been through bad times too and understand how u feel. move on, find a life for yrself. no point crying or grieving over this kind of man.

take care
 

drained

New Member
Hi

Me and my husband have also been together for 13 years, married for 3 years. Just recently he brought up the topic of divorce. Prior to this, there was no obvious sign. However, we were both quite focused on our own matters.. sometimes doing respective things after going home after work and also during weekends. We seldom go out. We have sinced went to the lawyer. He said he can no longer face me and be with me. He no longer love me. he said we have different character and interest. Everyone was so suprised cos we have been the perfect couple to everyone. He has been going out with his friends almost every night for dinner, drinks etc. Previously he said cos i didnt like it, he didnt went out. But he like going out with groups of friends. Today then i found out this was what he wanted. He like to go out but not with me. From the day he decided to split, he no longer care for me like he previously will though he said he still do. He said he feel happy when out with his friends, but when he is alone, he will think back if he has made the correct decision and if he should continue not to go out with his friends and just continue with the marriage so i wouldnt be sad. I am very sad and drained now. I cant accept that after so much we have been through, we are splitting and to add on, that he can easily just move on after so much we have been through. For me, I just want to stay at home alone. I cant bear the thought of leaving our home, leaving the memories behind. I am aghast that he can easily do this. Totally sad and drained
 

mistral

New Member
I think he "can easily just move on" because over time, he has paved the way to make the exit smoother by building up his support network outside of home. Whereas I get the impression that you are more of a homely person, contented to stay at home.

While I have never been in your shoes, I can imagine how devastating and painful it is for you. While you take some time to grieve, you may like to consider some of the points below:

- Your happiness is within your hands; it should not be determined by his response. If he eventually decides to reconcile with you, it is a bonus; but it may be better to just accept the finality of his decision as it is for now and work on increasing your own happiness.

- Trying to stay happy when one's feelings are down can be a struggle, but sometimes you have to force yourself to do so. Either by frequently giving pep talks to yourself that you can rise above this, doing out of the ordinary things to keep yourself active and your feelings positive, or just doing something fun. Even a walk in the park outside may be better than cooping oneself at home (at least you can see for yourself that life continues, and sometimes you may come across instances that show you others who are less fortunate than yourself - I have personally witnessed this), as staying at home will only serve to remind you of the past - which is gone.

- Do something you like, and it will add a sparkle to your eye and glow to your complexion. Who knows where it will lead you, as you move ahead with life?

Take care. While I do not know you personally, I have full confidence that you will survive through this.
 

silensiozo

New Member
Quote from the book link i posted earlier: "Divorce is a trauma that breaks us open....the Phoenix Process... an experience of going through the fire and rising from the ashes of your former life to reinvent yourself... The one advantage—and it’s a big advantage—of getting divorced later in life is that we’ve reached a time when we’re pretty much “cooked.” We are who we’ve become. At this point we have enough perspective to look back and reflect on the past. Self-reflection comes more naturally with age...Divorce can be used to look at the past, to reflect on what you’ve lost, what you may have gained from that loss, and who you want to be from now on. If you do it right, divorce pushes you to change and grow.

The Phoenix Process is the gift of divorce, so don’t look a gift horse—or in this case a gift phoenix—in the mouth. Do the work now. Remember, you’re not getting any younger. This may be your last chance to reinvent yourself, so take advantage of it."
 

heartpain

New Member
Hi drained

I can totally understand how you feel...my husband is also doing the same to me..

We must be strong ya? Hugs
 

silensiozo

New Member
yes drained and heart... must stay strong, honestly although i know what i want in life, i am still a little intimidated by what lies ahead, with have doubts of the future.
Never felt this helpless before, although i am pressing on, pretending, like it doesn't and will not affect me too much.
A decision like this affects both parties, i am sure your husbands are affected too, they are just hiding it.
The best revenge is being able to smile back and live on better, for sure, they are going to worse off then us all. They just don't know what they will be (very soon) missing out yet.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Separation and then divorce are heart-wrenching stuff.. but it will not kill us.. and after which, if we choose to see - there is a brand new world out there.

After separation and divorce

I became a much better father than before. My wife became a much better mother as well.

I made many new friends and I am still meeting new friends.

I enjoy very much my life as a single and yet I enjoy my role as a single father. I date freely. And very amazingly, I am actually very happy.

Of course except that we never enjoy as much the bliss of a family outing. But we do have the occasional dinners and outings - even as we were separated - we come together for the children.

After more than four years of separation, I filed for divorce recently. It is almost painless. No fireworks at all. No dispute. No fights. Very amicable divorce that the lawyer is thankful.

Today is my father-in-law's birthday. I went for lunch with in-laws and wife's family together with my children. after the lunch, we spent some time with the children - having coffee break and then some shopping before heading home. I can say that we are happy even as our divorce is finalizing.

Just sharing..
 

drained

New Member
Thanks, i am telling myself i need to be strong and move on but it certainly isnt easy. We almost grew up together, started when we were 18 and have sinced went through college, ns, uni and finally when i tot finally we got married, going to plan for a BB, we came to an end. Everything was so sudden that I am caught unaware. Suddenly, my life changed overnight. It seems half of me has been cut off. I really dunno how to accept this. Everyone tells me to move on etc. I have tried to put on a brave front infront of them ao they wont be worried but I felt so tired.

But i was also at fault, i must admit. Cos i dint think this would happen, i kinda of like take the marriage and him for granted. I didnt make an effort to ensure sparks remains in the marriage. I just take for granted that this is also what he wanted, and we are both comfortable just staying at home and laze around, and at times, doing our own things. Can only say marriage is certainly not easy. It requires alot of effort. But i realised it too late. Now besides feeling sad and drained, i also blame myself for not putting in enough effort. Can only hope for miracle now. Yes, deep down, i hope we can still get back together..
 

mistral

New Member
You may have some hope if he is still willing to consider marital counselling.

But if his heart has turned and he has no remote interest in salvaging the marriage, you will just have to move on - for your own happiness and sanity.
 

lovingyou

New Member
TS: I think this guy is taking you for granted, knowing that you are dependent on him etc, thus, you might want to start finding a job and pls ignore his comments/critisms against you. Look into the mirror and brace yourself up.. You don't need anyone to give you confident, we shld have our self-confidence and you mus calm your thots in order to take the next step.

Drained: If there is no 3rd party, things might work out with joint efforts, who dun err? Have you both filed for separation?
 

drained

New Member
Hi Littlewoman

Unfortunately though there is no 3rd party, my husband said he can no longer face me or be with me. He said he tried but he is unable to. After he brought up this, we talked about our feelings and he was aghast that he has hurt me with his uncaring behaviour. He said he cant face me after realising he has hurt me over these years. But the main thing is he felt he is those that likes to go out but I will be unhappy. Thus he said its really a difference in character. I told him if we love each other, we could work things out but then he said he no longer have feelings for me le and cant go back to what we were before we talked about this.

I tried to get him to go to marriage counsellor but he refused. I've moved out since we talked. Tot it would be good for both to cool down as I was too emotional during that period when he brought up the topic. I was always trying to find ways to show him we can still work out. But he got more and more fustrated why i just wouldnt give up. Like Mistral mentioned above, I am a more 'traditional' woman. To me, when he brought up this thing and said he cant continue to stay with me and couldnt answer if he still love me, i felt as if my whole world has crashed. He was my everything. But unfortunately, he really 'cooled down'. Now he has totally detached himself from me and i feel he has moved on. He has been going out with friends almost every day. But he claimed that he has not totally moved on as no matter what, we have been together for 13 years and he couldnt bear to see me in such poor state and he is worried about me. He also said at times when he is alone, he would think if he should just continue and bear with it so I wouldnt be so sad. One thing he said initially was he was afraid even if we tried on, the problem will still re-occur. He said he is happy now as he can go out with friends etc without fearing I would be unhappy. He is less stressed now. I felt very sad. If i have understand this earlier, I guess we might not have come to this stage. When he told me he wants to go for overseas posting, i felt very bad as if i have caused things to come to such state.

Initially he was pushing me to go through the divorce proceedings asap so he could move on. But later we realised we have no sufficient grounds for immediate divorce so we go for the 3rd separation. Supposed to sign earlier but i told him i really cant bring myself to sign so we agreed to sign end Sept.

Its really true that one will only treasure what you have when you are at the brink of losing it. Now i totally regret taking him for granted. Though he is not the best husband (he is those unromantic, not caring type). I always tot no matter we will still remain and now its too late.
 

lost_n_sad

New Member
Mistral,
“But now I cant even walk out of my house”, is because I just want to hide at home don’t have the mood / courage to face the world.

I don’t want to get a job now also worry that I am too emotion weak now, don’t want to mess up in the job and give others any trouble.

Janey,
Thank you for now I don’t think need a PI yet.

Silensiozo,
Thank you for the book info, I will go and read it.

Sad_gal,
I know is no point to crying and grieving over him, but I cant control myself.

Drained,
I know how you feel, all these are what I am feeling now also.
“I am very sad and drained now. I cant accept that after so much we have been through, we are splitting and to add on, that he can easily just move on after so much we have been through. For me, I just want to stay at home alone. I cant bear the thought of leaving our home, leaving the memories behind. Totally sad and drained. Suddenly, my life changed overnight. It seems half of me has been cut off. I really dunno how to accept this. Everyone tells me to move on etc. I have tried to put on a brave front infront of them so they wont be worried but I felt so tired.”
 

heartpain

New Member
Hi drained

Your situation is so very much like mine....

I am also trying to put on a brave front when with my friends

It hurts a lot right?
 

lost_n_sad

New Member
Last Friday he came home at 1.30am and still denial about other women.
So I told him, I am very tired to go on like that, we will process as the DOS that he had signed 2 years ago, so he have to move out of the house. He was very angry and started to say all the hurting words on me again.
But we had come to agree that he will move out by end of September, and next year when the DOS is 3 years we will file for divorce.

Sat we had dinner with my family, because is my dad bday. Both of us just do a good act for the last time infront of my family. Can see that both my parents had a good time. Thank God for that.

Sun, he start to act loving to me and start to do all the nice things. And act poor thing say he is sorry and he is a failure, and had mess up my life. He will leave me as long I am happy.

Deep in my heart I know I will be happier without him, because I can be myself again. But he is part of me, how can a person survive with only half of the body?

I really want to move on.
 

simpleman

Active Member
giveup,

You have your whole body.. not half. He is an extension of the family but not part of you.

Definitely can move on. Just put your mind on it.
 

drained

New Member
Haiz, yes we were okay before our husband entered our lives. But we have sinced moved on together for the next at least 10years. For me, this 13 years was very much of both of our growing up stage. We went through so much and overcame so many obstacles. To me, it wasnt just what we did together but my love for him which hasnt lessen. Thus, how to stop the love just so suddenly and to accept the reality that he can just simply move on.

We know we need to be strong and move on but its definately very hard. But i believe we are trying. Haiz.. such a hard and long way to go.
 

lovingyou

New Member
drained: Hmm.. i guess he has been putting up in all these years and thus, he is feeling less stressful during this cool-off period? Hmm.. No point blaming yourself or living in self-denial; as what has happened has happened, I guess the most impt thing is to pick yourself up and move on. It is of course easier said than done, but try to keep your mind off the issue, off him. I know, 13 years is not that long but neither it is that short.. however, we should always pick ourselves up from where we have fallen.. Personal perspective: there is no right or wrong in a r/s, it jus a matter if the heart is still with the person we once loved.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Why need to count the years.. it could be 3 years.. it could be 13 years or it could be 30 years.. still the same when it has to end..

We just need to keep our focus and move on.

I am married for more than 20 years now.. on the verge of divorce.. knew her when she was an undergraduate.. and got married.. 3 children.. and we have so many years of wonderful moments.. But when it has to end, it has to end. It is not the end of the world.

Even today, I am so happy divorcing. And I never regretted the marriage even today it is ending up in divorce. I simply cherish the wonderful moments and the enjoy the fruits of our union - three children.

Yes. it will take time. Give yourself time.. don't be too hard on yourself.. Time will heal everything..
 

silensiozo

New Member
Sigh seems thirteen is a curse... i have known mine for that long too... we met in school too and it seems the best time in our lives, growing up and growing into the individuals we are now... just like sm, i believe the good memories should always be cherished, no matter what the end is going to be like.
'giveup'... he can be the other half of you only when he gives u happiness, doesn't justify that importance if he is dragging you down into misery.

heartpain and drained, i can understand how it feels to pretend nothing has happened... i have only let my sister know about my situation yesterday night, i just crashed when she willed me to be strong and she is behind all my decisions... somehow i felt closer to my sister the first time after so many years!
I hope my dad will understand it like my mum n sis...
sometimes we just have to let our close ones see our vulnerability...we are human after all.
 

drained

New Member
Yes, me too.

When I first spoke to my elder sis, the tears jus flew down so naturally and first time in so many years i felt close to my sis. I wasnt close with my family.

I am glad i found this forum.
happy.gif
Thanks all
 

lovingyou

New Member
It is always important to have someone being there to encouraging us and/or understanding our decisions when we are undergoing tough patches in lives..
happy.gif
 

drained

New Member
Yes, previously when i shared with my friends, as they have not been through, they wasnt sure on how to approach me as well. Unfortunately some just didnt came back again. I do understand cos if this has happen to them, i wouldnt know how to handle as well. Life is really so unpredictable.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Sharing makes us feel less alone and ease our pain some.

We can share our problems or challenges with friends but at the end of the day, we still need to fix them ourselves and get on with life.

Don't linger too long on any particular problem or issue. Our youth is finite.
 

drained

New Member
Hi Heartpain

When i looked through the postings in the forum, i realised we are very much in same situation. And we seem to be in same age group as well. Tried to PM you but it says u dun accept PM. How else to reach you?
 

lost_n_sad

New Member
I am feeling heart cramped and moody again.
Really wish i can be more strong and face up to everything.

feeling so hopeless about myself, sigh
 

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