I thought she was the one, until I fell for someone else...

[snowstorm]

I have a girlfriend of almost 4 years and we were planning to ROM later this year. I thought I wasn't someone who would marry so early, but I felt she was the perfect wife for me as she fulfilled all the criteria I have for a wife. I am confident that with her, the marriage would be strong and stable as her pure and demure personality complements my chauvinistic character very well.

However, I met a girl 3 months ago. She was very different from my gf; capable, principled, outspoken, intelligent, genuine, righteous, yet gentle, naive and easily hurt. I found myself falling for her about a month ago when I started doing things beyond what normal friends would do. I couldn't bear to see her being bullied. I couldn't bear to see her cry. I wanted to be with her for as much as I could. We chatted till the morning on a few occasions. I couldn't believe the kind of chemistry we shared. We could talk about anything and everything and she always knew what I was thinking even without me saying it or completing my sentences. Most of all, I loved her smile. Just seeing her would make my day.

I know it was crazy, but I told her how I felt about her and we got together with her knowing that I would not leave my gf as I felt responsible towards her.

She then initiated to end it after a brief one week as she could not bear the thought of me being with her behind my girlfriend's back.

Although it only lasted one week, I realised what it felt like to be in love all over again. I could feel the deep connection between us and I totally did not expect myself to plunge so deeply into it within such a short time. She filled a certain spiritual void that my gf hasn't been able to fill. I felt really blessed and loved.

But I knew that was wrong, so I agreed to turn back. She wanted to go cold turkey initially, but I managed to persuade her to remain as friends as I really don't wanna lose a soulmate. However, when I couldn't control myself and initiated some physical contact again today, she told me that we should break all contact. I feel really devastated.

Right now, I don't know if my decision is right to go ahead to marry my gf. I still have feelings for her, albeit not as passionate as for the other girl, more like family love. However, I don't have confidence that my marriage will last if I married someone like the other girl. It is a risk I don't wish to take. I feel more in control and more secure marrying someone like my gf and I'm sure our marriage will be more guaranteed and stable at least.

The other girl has been telling me off for the reasons I gave for wanting to marry my gf as it seems like I'm just ticking off a checklist. But I don't believe in being idealistic when it comes to marriage.

I'm feeling really lost. I know what I did was wrong and I do not want to hurt either girl further because they are both really innocent and wonderful girls. Please shed some light on what I should do now.

 

[alcifertoh]

You are not ready for marriage, and you will feel like protecting another gal like that if she pops up.

Don't jump into the wagon of marrying and regret later. You are not stable for it yet.

 

[soontobe]

bf-gf love will turn into family love.....well, that stands for me and my hubby. We are very comfy with each other though we no longer do what we used to do when we were dating. Recently, I have jus asked him why aren't we doing certains things that we used to do before marriage. He said that was before marriage. Though I do not accept his answer 100% but I am fine with the idea..coz I don't mind the way we are now...spending most of our free times at our cozy home....

what happens if u date this gal for another 4 more years, ready to get married, and then another one came along who has great chemistry with you...will u be asking the same question again?

 

[strawberry_love]

"I do not want to hurt either girl further because they are both really innocent and wonderful girls."

Craps la U, are already hurting ur gf when u were seeing the other gal behind her back. if not for the other girl to end it, u will still be seeing her behind ur gf back, Right?

 

[soontobe]

Hmm...to think of it, to prevent yourself from asking the same question 4 years later if u get together with this new gal, I will suggest that you get married to her immediately!

 

[rubbishcow]

snowstorm,

firstly, when you want to marry someone, you DONT EVALUATE A FEMALE! We are all human and you dont marry just because you think that this particular female you are with fit into a WIFE criteria of yours. The other woman whom you had fall for is correct about you. You dont do a checklist to assume that all these criterias you perceived as a wife are there in a female and you marry her.

Secondly, you had obviously fell in love with another one. from your account, it just seem like you will continue to think of her even if you marry your gf. Why don't you try telling your gf that you are seeing someone behind her and you wanted to marry her because you think that she will be a good wife to you.

Thirdly, from my personal point of view, you are just plain disgusting! Your behaviour and all other excuses you had come out with are disgusting.

Sorry, I am being so straight forward because you reminded me so much of my ex. He fell for me before his ROM and he still went ahead of his ROM. After that he fell in love with another gal. With 3 gals to chose within months after his ROM, he eventually annul his marriage. THINK before you waste another woman's youth!

 

[wiggly_toes]

snowstorm,

Even though your gf matches your 'perfect wife' criteria, I am sure you are far from her 'perfect husband' criteria.

If you really like her as a person, let her go to find her real happiness.

 

[noknok]

When I read the post, it reminded me of something that I read before.. jus dugged it up and here it is.

A man was having a conversation with Buddha in the middle of the night. Buddha was sitting down while the man was standing.

Man: O Buddha, I have a girlfriend of five years, but now I have fallen madly in love with a new lady. I really don't know what to do.

Buddha: Are you sure that the lady you're now madly in love with is the one you love most, and will be the very last woman in your life?

Man: Yes.

Buddha: Then initiate a break up so you can be with the new lady!

Man: But my current girlfriend is gentle, kind, virtuous. If I initiate a break up, wouldn't it be quite cruel and unethical?

Buddha: In marriage and love, it will only be cruel and unethical if there is no love. You're now in love with another lady and no longer your girlfriend, and a break up is the right thing to do.

Man: But my girlfriend loves me very much, she really loves me very much.

Buddha: Then she is fortunate.

Man: I'm going to leave her for another woman, and this should cause her to be in misery. How can she be fortunate?

Buddha: Because she still possesses the love she has for you, whereas you have lost the love you have for her, because you have fallen for someone new. Accurately speaking, it is a blessing to possess and a misfortune to lose possession, therefore the one in misery is you.

Man: But I'm leaving her for another woman, she should be the one who has lost me and thus feel miserable.

Buddha: You're wrong. You're only an entity in her love life. When you, the entity, no longer exists, her true love will continue on to another entity. Because in her love life, she has never lost true love, therefore she is the one who should be blessed and you the one in pain.

Man: She said she would love only me all her life and not a second man.

Buddha: Have you not said something similar before?

Man: I... I... I...

Buddha: Look at the three candles in the urn before you, the one that shines most brightly.

Man: I don't know, they're all equally bright.
Buddha: These three candles can be likened to three women. One of them is the woman you have fallen for. There are so many humans in existence, and there are more than hundreds of thousands of women. You can't even tell which is the brightest or point out which is the woman you love now, yet why are you so sure the one you love now is that woman, and even more so, how can you be so sure she will be the last woman in your life?

Man: I... I... I...

Buddha: Now put one candle close to you, and look closely which of the three candles are the brightest.

Man: Of course it's the one right in front of me.

Buddha: Now put it back to where it was, and then look again and tell me which is the brightest.


Man: I really cannot tell which is the brighest.
Buddha: Actually, the candle you brought before you is like the woman whom you have fallen for. Love stems from the heart. While you love her, you feel that she is the brightest candle. When you put the candle back to where it was, once again you could not tell which was the brightest candle. This type of love is only a kind of greed that blinds you and looks beautiful and perfect on the surface, but in the end it's only an empty dream.

Man: Oh! Now I know. You didn't really want me to leave my girlfriend, you merely wanted to enlighten me.

Buddha: I won't tell you if you've seen through me. Now, go.

Man: Now I really know who I love - she is my girlfriend.

Buddha: Amituofo, amituofo, amituofo.

When one is alive, one can hardly avoid love. May all lovers in the world cherish the one beside them, steer clear of greed and illusions and create happiness with their special one.

 

[snowstorm]

Thank you everyone for your opinions.

I have genuinely realised that what I did was wrong. I know I have hurt both girls just because I couldn't control my own feelings, which is why I do not wish to hurt them further. I am trying to make it up now, but it seems like whatever I do, the other girl tells me that I am hurting both of them more contrary to my original intentions.

My gf is a very innocent and simple girl. She is very easily contented and I am confident that I will be able to provide for her, give her what she wants and make her happy. This feeling of assurance matters more to me in a marriage than being with someone who probably understands me more and clicks better with me.

My mind is in a whirl. Yes, I will still be thinking of the other girl for some time to come, but feelings cannot be stopped short, right?

 

[alcifertoh]

U have yet seen the entitlement of Buddha as above. Who said feelings cannot be stopped short? They can be controlled. It's just in your mind and will.

I would say the best is for you to leave both girls.

Generally I see, both girls are able to do well without you and in fact you are the one in need of them. And this will still be the case if there are other girls who are going to appear later in your life.

It is within you to realise this and cultivate on your feelings and love. Otherwise, it would be no different from animals which cannot control the urge to mate if any potentials came by.

Amituofo...

 

[yongqin]

horrible guy... human beings nowadays arent like the acient times when the people back then were so devoted, at least doesnt change their heart so easily..

What goes around comes around... Do not blame ur gf in future if she also falls for someone else like yr present case...

 

[rubbishcow]

it just seems like your ego (both the one in your characteristic and the physical you use everyday) is probably talking at this point of time. you are not willing to let go both of them because one is your soulmate while the other aloows you to control the relationship.

You still think your gf is better as a partner to spend the rest of your life with because simply you can control her while you are the one being controlled in the other relationship.

See the reason why your mind is in as whirl? The inbuilt ego tells you your gf is better whereas the outbuilt ego tells you the other one is better.

 

[infojunkie]

snowstorm,

ur only mistake is u enter into an exclusive relationship too soon, without knowing what u really want... but it's still not too late to put a stop to it... once u're done, dun rush into another exclusive wif the other girl...

keep hunting...

u may find the woman who can be both lusty and chaste at the same time

 

[snowstorm]

junkie, please don't rub it in. I am NOT a player and I never wanted to hurt anyone. Even between the other girl and I, there is physical attachment but it is not lust.

Hei Bee Hiam, yes I am trying to control and suppress my feelings, but it takes time too. I really don't wish to break all contact with her because I would really like to keep her as a friend, a true friend. I also hope that I can help to ease her feelings for me with time.

cow cow, sorry I don't really understand what you mean by outbuilt/physical ego.

 

[alcifertoh]

Well, you can stop all contacts at the meantime and in future if fate permits, remain as friends. It's ur choice and be frank about it. How true can you remain as a friend only to her during this period.

What cow cow mean is, you cannot have the best of both worlds. You had checklisted your gf as what you seek for as a wife. But this new girl has something which your gf does not possess. Hence you are seeking it from her. There will always be someone you will be keep looking out for but none will satisfy you less you are satisfied yourself.

 

[miloice]

it is not rubbing into it. It is really what is it. u need to accept the fact that you will always find someone that you would be infatuate with.

This should be expected. This is no rocket science. Don't stay on 2 boats. Clear your mind and cold turkey if u need to find out who you really need and want to be with. There is no political correct answers for you.

Fact is, u got yourself into messy relationship triangle. If you want to remain friendship, DO SO ONLY WHEN you are able to handle it. Don't bullshit yourself. Friends do not need to meet up and do dates all the time one. Soulmates are there when u needed them and not there all of the time to stick around.

 

[rubbishcow]

HBH, you got it spot on!

Milo, i agree with you regarding the soulmate portion. Though my fiance is also my soulmate, my bff is guy as well. We don't contact each other everyday and infact its like once every 6 mths or sometimes even once a year!

sonwstorm, see... if someone really understand you, he/she will be there for you. Also, to add on to HBH explanation on my meaning, the Outbuilt/Physical ego is your "little brain" which will rise and shine every morning. Understand? you said you do have phisical attachment to the other woman but do you not have the same kinda physical attachment with your gf?

 

[snowstorm]

I like the other girl not because of physical attraction. We could spend nights chatting without doing anything physical at all. At this point there is no need for me to lie about this.

As for my girlfriend, as I said, I have feelings for her, and our relationship is very normal in every aspect, including physically.

I do not wish to dwell too much on this topic because what you guys are talking about is not a factor I am considering. I am serious about both of them, and at this point of time, I just want to make sure that I can be fair to both of them.

 

[snowstorm]

as a man, what is it that really matters in a marriage?

i admit that at this point of time i am a much happier person when i'm with the other girl. and i stress again it has nothing to do with how much physical contact we have.

but am i wrong to choose my wife based on objective conditions? a lot of people say i'm not being fair to my gf. but i know i can give her what she wants, and even better than she expects.

i am rambling now. i really regret that it has turned out to be so messy.

 

[powder]

snowstorm,

breakup with your gfren tonite. be a bachelor again for a few months, and see what happens...

u can't lose things which u're not sure u wanna keep.

u can't keep things which u're not sure u'll treasure.

u can't chase things which u can't keep nor treasure.

so best is to go back to Zero - be single again, then assess. grow up and mature abit... let Life change your requisites, then u might find u have a new set of requisites for a wife.

i'm not kidding.

 

[miloice]

Since when was falling in love all about sex and physical attraction alone??

Again, is it so surprising that one would and could fall in love with more than one person?

But, do we marry every single one of them? Some people does that but divorcing every few yrs. Some don't marry cos they want to enjoy the moment and not stick to a commitment. While others simple make up their mind with the one that cherish and want.

 

[soontobe]

hmm...the moment u brought up this question, or even started thinking about this, you are already not fair to ur current gf...

So, please stop trying to justify for your actions/reasons to us. Instead, sort out ur tots quickly and make ur decision to hurt either one further....

 

[yongqin]

if its true love, there can only be 1person in our heart that we are serious towards.

 

[noknok]

I wonder, how can you be fair to both of them?? Unless you think you're living in the Ancient Era where one man can have many wives. You're not being fair to either of them already, how then can you be fair to both of them.

Everyone will go through the period where the relationship sort of get plateau. It's how you put effort into the relationship that had been carrying on for years to keep the sparks going.

To be fair to both of the girls, I think you need to let your current girlfriend know what had happened. It is only then she can make a decision as well to whether to be in the relationship with you after seeing your true colours. A relationship take TWO people to happen. It's not up to you to CHOOSE!! The girls have their choices too!!!

 

[powder]

i think some of u guys are wayyyyyyyyyyy too hung up on his current gfren. as usual.

if u're concerned abt his gfren, then it's not whether he is wrong or right, but whether he eventually makes a decision that will be good for her in the long run, and that includes leaving her.

can we get past those shallow - Fair/Unfair stage and move to something deeper? like exploring which girl is better, than pressuring him to go back to gfren just to play things fair???

knn, no wonder so many pple marry wrongly.

 

[rubbishcow]

snowstorm,

you are already being unfair to both of them. if you think what we had said are irrelevant, so be it. be in control of yourself since you cannot control what we say here.

did you realize that you are alwasy saying what you think will be the best of your gf and what you can provide to her? whatis a point of a marriage when you cannot provide your partner with love? you can provide her all she want but you cannot provide her the honesty and loyalty to your marriage!

So what is marriage to you? to use a certificate to bind down a woman who listen wholly to what you say or do?

 

[miloice]

"I am serious about both of them, and at this point of time, I just want to make sure that I can be fair to both of them."

SERIOUSLY, u r only being fair to yourself. How fair can it be to 2 time the 2 women that you claimed to love???

What if your gfs are 2 timing u? And she says she is serious and being fair with you. Ironic right?

Did you look at what you are capable to provide? not just financially. Even basic honesty, u cannot provide to them. How confident are you that you would bring happiness and not hurt to them? Actions speaks louder than words. Else, its just big words with a selfish agenda behind.

One moment u said u r lost and the next u said :
"I do not wish to dwell too much on this topic because what you guys are talking about is not a factor I am considering."

Basically, u r not lost. u know what u want. u r merely struggling to face it that's all.

 

[miloice]

"but am i wrong to choose my wife based on objective conditions? a lot of people say i'm not being fair to my gf."

Its not about wrong or right. Its simply diving striaght into a mess you cannot handle. No one can tell u the right thing to do. But clearly, u cannot handle it. Get it??

Your head is not that big, then don't put on such a big hat. If 2 ladies are happily attached to you and no conflict of interests whatsoever, then I have nothing to say. But clearly, u cannot do that but you selfish want to hold on at the expense of letting her continue hanging emotional and getting hurt.

You don't love her enough to not even release her suffering. We can and will very likely love more than one. But, we cannot logically possess each one like a prized possession to ourselves. It is simply a selfish rationale behind. Don't bullshit yourself. They are people with emotions, life, dreams of their own too. Think for those you love more.

 

[ninku10]

You just want to flirt man. No one forced you to chat with her over the phone for so long. If you don't like her, you wouldn't have done all these.

From the moment you decided to marry your GF, you should tell yourself to avoid being nice to other girl and vice verse.

You should break up with your current gf as she don't deserve someone like you.

 

[alcifertoh]

Thats y I feel, the girls are able to handle it. It's him who is unable to and seems it that they cnt survive without him.

 

[miloice]

Another thing....

the objective conditions for choosing a mate for almost every gal would include
honesty and faithfulness as the basic requirement.

So much talk about his objective conditions when he clearly fails the core requirement himself. What an irony. Definitely not husband quantity with this kind or lame excusing.

Its not a shopping where he just picks what he wants. Others are choosing too! It works both ways.

 

[rubbishcow]

snowstorm,

had you ever been somebody in a position who got 2 timed? i can tell you if you are in your gf position right now, the fairest action is to leave her. you can chose to tell her the truth or maybe not, that's your decision.

still, damage had been done in the relationship. no point doing damage control now since you are already deep in another relationship. you had already let your emotions run wild from the kinda relationship you share with another woman. AND YOU CANNOT CONTROL THAT KINDA FEELING.

Why dont you take up powder's suggestion. return to single and start evaluating what you want and grow up from there.

 

[snowstorm]

Thank you for all the honest opinion. I am prepared to take them all in but I will need time to read and think.

I did consider finding the right time to tell my gf the truth and letting her decide if she would forgive me, because I will not be able to live with hiding it from her for the rest of my life. Though to be frank I never thought of initiating a breakup.

My gf and I are both foreigners and we stay in the same rented flat. After the other girl broke up with me last week, a huge sense of guilt overcame me when I went home and saw how caring and thoughtful my gf was towards me. I really want to make it up to her.

Yet, I know I will get more slamming for saying this, my mind still wanders...

 

[infojunkie]

dun let her decide for u... to carry on wif her or not, u decide for urself...

 

[soontobe]

oh ya, pls also let her decide her own fate...if she chooses to stick by you after you have confessed to her, you are one LUCKY man...

 

[powder]

snowstorm,

man-to-man, dun try to be a gentleman when u're not in a position to. in BGR, it's ok for pple to call u a basturd. as long as u can be sure u are right abt the right girl, nothing else matters...

 

[meagain1]

hello,

be a gentleman lah, why make your gf decide and blame her for holding on this relationship in the future if you happen to find someone you like?

Or you can't shallow your pride cos kena rejected by the other girl?

 

[infojunkie]

it's not abt shifting the blame to another person... it's abt taking charge of one's own life...

 

[giantemu]

actually snowstorm. how old are you? how many relationships have you been through to know this is the right one?

It happen to me too...i got a handphone it got all the functions that i want, i like it alot, i tell myself - yup finally i found the handphone that i want. Then several months down the road, I don't think my phone is that special anymore, its just a phone, yah, I am comfortable using it, but its just a phone.

Then, iphone comes to Singapore, I was attracted to it becos it has all the gizmos, its touch-screen, its branding, etc. I began to crave for the iphone. Everytime i use my phone, I begin to imagine how it will be if I have the iphone, SMS will be faster? The camera with higher resolution? So I decided, I ought to change my phone becos iphone is better.

I broke off with my phone and purchased a iphone, nevermind that I only use 30% of the function in the iphone - SMS, call, surf net. nevermind that the iphone has its shortcomings. The novelty is there, the freshness of the phone is there. I left my old phone in the drawer, very soon, it stopped functioning, but who cares, that is history.

So my affair with iphone started - ok, sometimes it throws tantrums, abit slow here and there...but hey its iphone....then I heard that iphone 3GS is even better....

see...I am in the same position as you ...

 

[miloice]

junkie,

"it's not abt shifting the blame to another person... it's abt taking charge of one's own life..."

fully agree with you. We need to get a grid over our life and emotion and not sway or waiver with the wind. We know emotions are like waves, its really no surprise to be swayed. It happens to everyone.

 

[miloice]

snowstorm,

to come clean with your wife or not, its up to you. But please take charge of your life. Don't push the decision to her.

Revealing the affair may not be the best choice although the politically correct answer. You need to look at the situation to think carefully. There are those that choose to bury the guilt and move on. Not everyone can handle the truth. Should you let it off your chest to ease your guilt or protect her interest.

My advise, think 1st really carefully if you really want to marry your wife. Don't do it because of guilt or remorse. If you don't, then tell her and let her go free. Hurt as she may be but its better than dragging on and wasting more of her time and resource.

BIT if you decide to marry her, then its more tricky. To tell or not, depends alot on the situation, maturity and stability of the individual.

 

[infojunkie]

well, nothing wrong wif hving a change of heart. i just hope snowstorm can be bloody honest wif himself...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi snowstorm,

I agree with Powder. Please don't try to be a gentleman in BGR. If people call you a bastard, so be it.

No girl would like to have a husband who marry her out of duty and not love.

You have to marry the one that you can love for a lifetime. You, yourself will know it when you found her. Don't compromise.

My hubby once told me that it is difficult for him to find someone whom he can love for a lifetime. I'm really glad that he didn't compromise and waited for me to be ready for marriage.

 

[mark78]

i lovec the buddha analogy...
will post the devil one soon.. ciao

 

[snowstorm]

The other girl smsed me to tell me off again. She already knew what our outcome would be when we first got together, that I would go ahead to marry my gf no matter what. She told me then that she had no expectations of our relationship and would just enjoy our time together as it is. So why is it that now she keeps saying that when she is with me, I keep reminding her of the fact that she'll never compare with my gf? I don't even compare because they are just totally different. She said that she lost even without being given the chance to fight when she was the one who chose to end it after one week. We could've continued the way we were and see how things would've gone but she didn't want to, so why is she now blaming me for being irresponsible? Why is she trying to force upon me her idealistic views of marriage and telling me that I shouldn't marry my gf?

When I reached home last night, I asked my gf if she still loved me, whether she still wanted to marry me since I had been spending really little time with her. She nodded without even thinking.

My choice is clear. If I had to choose between stability and passion, I would choose the former. I don't believe that all marriages can be long-lasting yet passionate. I need a lot of security as far as matters of the heart are concerned. That is why right from the start, I told the other girl that I would never leave my gf.

Things are over between me and the other girl, since she forced me to make a decision which she knew would be against her. It's really a pity to lose a friend, but I know it's not within my control anymore.

 

[green_tranquility]

Snowstorm,
I see double standards. You want security for yourself. Since you are unable to provide security to both girls, please leave them. You deserve real love, your gf also deserves real love. Why not set each other free to pursuit your separate happinesses?

Hehe you don't have to keep emphasising that they love you so much and can't live without you. Before you appeared in their lives, they were living fine too. Given time, they sure can get over you! Humans are built with the abilities to survive physical and emotional injuries.

 

[infojunkie]

the other girl wants u all to herself. she wanna win, and there's tough competition - the essentially virtuous gf of yours. ur refusal to put her on the same level wif ur gf, makes it almost impossible for her to win. but, she knows u r attracted to her...

so by initiating a break up in the midst of passion, she's subconsciously using ur fixation of her as a last resort to lure u away from the gf...

it's reverse psychology... and i dun think it's despicable...

 

[snowstorm]

I can and I WILL provide security for my gf since I have decided to marry her. She loves me and is very happy when she is with me. Isn't that enough reason for me to stay with her? Why should I spoil the current equilibrium in our relationship?

Yes I may have fallen for someone else but during this period of time other than less time spent, I have been showering my gf with the same amount of love and concern. Now the other girl has decided to end things, so isn't it good enough to return everything to what it was before? Why are you all telling me to leave her as well?

 

[snowstorm]

Why does the other girl have to keep thinking about how unfair it is that I get the best of both worlds by not breaking up with my gf and at the same time keeping her as a confidante? Why is she so bothered about the way I view marriage and the relationship between my gf and I when she was the one who said she didn't want me to leave my gf and would just enjoy it while it lasted? Why can't she just, as she said, enjoy the care and attention that I give her since we are really happy when we are together?

When we broke up, she was the one who kept telling me how guilty she felt towards my gf, and how good a girl my gf was. She told me to treasure my gf, and I said I would. I will definitely marry my gf and treat her better than before. She also told me that if I were truly repentant, we could remain as friends and it's better not to tell my gf the truth and make it up to her through action. Yet now like all of you, she is saying I don't deserve either of them and wants to break all contact with me.

Why is it that what she said before and what she is doing now are all so inconsistent??

 

[infojunkie]

cos she's confused as u...*eyes rolling*

and no, not telling u to leave ur gf... i'm all for u making the best out of a bad situation