I thought marriages only failed because of money or a straying spouse

[shirleypoise]

I guess the whole disappointment in my marriage was that I had told him right from the beginning on how I view marriage. ie other than how he broke my heart..

Marriage to me is still sacred and the vows that have been spoken are not meant to be broken thus I did not settle down at a tender age as I need to be sure that he's the right guy who'll be with me for the rest of my life.

Perhaps that scares him off, cuz he wasn't sure that he could be THE right guy for me.. If so, I thot I should be the one to decide if he's right for me and not him..

That aside, I do need to have a talk with him. And that's to discuss how we should move on from here. Haven brought it up yet tho, not sure if it due to it being V day this sat and like a last anticipation if anything will change.. Well, can't help but to hope; anyway it's just a few more days..

 

[sheezh]

I'm not sure if everyone will consider divorce when things don't work out. I do have a friend who embark into marriage because they drifted into it (??) and had a "gf" outside for the next two years even though he only married for just a month before. Though last I know, he broke off with the gf not because of guilt but he dun want his marriage to end in divorce, yet not because of love.

I had asked him if he still loved his wife, or that if he is happy in it. His answer is as long as he is not view as a failure, so even if he is not happy, he will not Divorce and if his wife decides to divorce him, he rather die. Not sure if love can be re-found between him and his wife again in the years to come.

I am not saying that divorce is a good thing, but sometimes I'm not sure if I understand why he wanted to waste his life away like that, being in a limbo. Isn't it better to learn from mistake and move on.

 

[laundry_woes]

I'm thinking, likely tat things hv to hv happened in ur life, for u to hv hit rock bottom b4 u realise how impt the one & only life u hv is & to appreciate happiness more. Else u can juz hv ur life drift past b4 u know it, wifout having really lived it.

 

[sun2]

mrsfong2b,
i hv the same opinion as u, once u take the vow, u do not break it. but things happen. nt everybody is strong. Humans make mistake and we hv to learn hw to b gracious n forgive n forget.

i know V day is round the corner and u'll probably get teary n overwhelmed... blah blah.

dont create any expectation for urself nw. Cos if it doesnt happen (most of the time), u'll nt feel sh*ty.

gv both of yourself n him some space to think. get some of ur single gals to go out, hv coffee session.

I'm blessed with a few close gfs whom was there 4 me, despite me 'neglected' them since I got hitched. They patiently listen & let me cry. friends r nt there to gv us solutions but a place to vent out & pour out.

 

[shirleypoise]

Actually, sun2, I've lined up activities for the whole day this saturday liao. Not planning to sit around in the house and wait for surprises from him. Think the only thing i'll like to get from him is a msg that says "happy v day" ba.

 

[shirleypoise]

sheezh,
I guess everyone look at things differently ba. It's a choice he made to stay unhappy. It is also a choice for him to make up with his wife since he doesn't want to end up in a divorce.

Sometimes pple just lose their perspective and 'forgot' how to love the one closest to them.

 

[sun2]

Good for u Mrsfong2b.
I hv lined up mine too. Having cooking lessons with my gf, but wonder who's gonna finish eating those dishes.

when u truly love someone, there's no condition. u'll sacrifice without any returns. love is to be unconditional....

 

[shirleypoise]

I've learnt my lesson ba. He din spend the last few PHs with me and I had waited in vain.

Besides nobody say that you can only celebrate Vday with ur hubby rite..

have fun in your cooking class!

 

[sun2]

thanks.

Good to hear that.
Be strong n have patience... things will eventually fall in place.

Happy V day... cheers

 

[shirleypoise]

Hey people, need some advices here.

My hb had wanted to file for annulment himself but the lawyer suggested for me to be the plaintiff and push all the blame to hb instead. By that, I'll have to lie in court that:
- we had not consumated the marriage due to his wilful act; and
- we had not stayed together since married

He said that he doesn't mind saying that he has commited adultery to increase the chances for the annulment to go thru.

Need advice on the followings:

1) Would one lie to regain back the 'single' status? I do not wish to lie as I'll have to carry this lie for the rest of my life. For those of you who did lie, how and what motivates you to do that? Did this lie haunt you in anyway?

2) I'm puzzled by why he's so insistent on getting an annulment instead of a divorce since he doesn't mind admitting to adultery. I heard from the marriage counsellor that he could just admit to adultery and we will be able to get a divorce very quickly, dun even need any proof. He said that with annulment I'll still be single and so it will not affect my life in future. Thought that's quite lame as my state of mind has already changed. Is that just that? My status? Would he gain anything from an annulment as opposed to a divorce? Is it cheaper or faster?

Would appreciate your inputs.

 

[miloice]

the status differs. single vs divorced.

Anyway, this isn't some lie that is at the expense of anyone. But rather, for the best interest of everyone. So, I don't understand the guilt that you would experience. Things are not black and white and you can stick on such "Thou shall not lie" commandments. The whole intention is not to cheat but to work around a stupid system.

 

[zolyn]

In marriage, you have to learnt to overcome the problems. Ending life is definitely not the best solution. Normally if after communication, there is no result out, i think separation is the best solution.

Separation doesnt meant you will be definitely lost the person. There is still chance for you to patch back within 3 years. After 3 years, the feeling between you and him is fade, it time to let go. No point holding back a love that does not belongs to you.

 

[movingonlife]

Hi ladies..

I finally have the guts to start reading the thread in this forum recently and all the dark days of having HB telling me that "I do not know why we got married in the first place". giving me the "why are you bothering me" look. "taking the house as an hotel room". came flooding back to me..

Be strong.... when we are given such "tests".. either we gonna sink with it.. or we gonna come out of it "stronger"

It has almost been two years..since the "cruel truth" set in and my so-called "perfect world" was shattered to pieces...

CNY. ValentineDay.ROM Day. Wedding Anniversery came and went.. I guess what hurt me most was when i pleaded with him to visit my family on the first CNY and he went "nope" .. guess when he mentioned that.. my heart knew the answer and i told myself.. it was over then.. the man that I loved for more than 10 yrs has changed.. or I finally see the "truth"

I decided to take back control of my life and tell myself that I should not be crying anymore and let my loved ones worry about me..

During that period.. i was almost crying everyday .. waiting for him till wee hours.. and when he was back.. i acted that i was asleep.. and in my mind I kept asking myself.."why is this happening to us?" "What did I do wrong?" "WHat can I change" I went to counsellor.. pleaded with him to go with me but he rejected .. It came to a stage when there are no more tears.. :| and yes at the point of time.. i thot of ending my life too.. but i stopped myself and I realise that I am sinking into depression.. I took the first step to recovery.. I moved back to my mum's place and start cooling things off.. I decided not to contact him till I have calmed down.. organised my thoughts and clear of what I want to share with him

Finally we have a "calm" talk and realise we are not able to recouncile and the best way of us is to let go of the marriage.. It was a very hard decision for me as I still love him a lot and I am willing to work on the marriage.. but i also realise he does not want to... . I knew then that i need to let him go as he is not happy and i will not be happy too.

Yup.. i been scolded for being "stupid" and "wasted" the number of years with him.. but I was truly happy then and I really thank him for giving me such a beautiful dream..

I decide to leave him with a good memory of him hence i made a decision to wipe out the memory of the emotional pains that he has inflicted on me.. it is tough..

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

I have since moved on and now I am healing myself with time.. surrounding myself with my family and friends who supported me..

Apologies for my lengthy post and maybe a bit if irrrelevant here.. but I just wanna share how i got myself out of the situation and take control of my life back.

 

[shirleypoise]

What are things we have to consider about choosing between being single and being divorced? How is it in the best interest of both parties to go for annulment? Faster and cleaner proceedings? More marketable amongst the opposite species?
I dun own a flat so HDB rules doesn't apply.

 

[nolem]

sometimes i feel, women allow themselves to be emotionally abused bcos we love our man too deeply. i am one such person myself....