I think my marriage is having problem.

confused29

New Member
i and hb are married for 3yr 9mth. have a boy who is going to be 3yr old.

Recently i feel we are drifting really apart. Sometime i feel we are like stranger. it has been almost 2 yrs that we didnt had sex. He didnt initiated it, and i also nvr ask for it or ask him why. and i also dun have the urge to do with him.

i really duno what i shd do now.
 


infojunkie

Active Member
didn't they say happiness lies in ur own hands?

so ask urself honestly: WHAT (not who) stands in ur way of happiness?

dun just feel it.

face it.

deal with it.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
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xiao_nu_ren

New Member
You had personally allowed it to happen.... As they said, fate lies in your own hands... up to you to see what you wish to do with it.
 

secondtime

New Member
don't drag.me, has been dragging till now ,7 years but ended still the same. yeah is difficult to make decision if we have kids. i understand
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Hi Cheryl, my wife and I are having the exact same problems. The only difference is I do not have a kid.

I question myself whether intimacy is that important in a marriage and sometimes, I get a bit paranoid that she is getting it from somewhere else.

I know the right thing to do is to talk about it, try to rekindle the passion but I think all this is easier said than done...
 

confused29

New Member
thing are much more easier said den done loh...

as of now i think tat intimacy is really important.

i duno how. sometime i dun feel like talking to him also.. nowadays i tend to get irritated by the things he did.

how to rekindle the passion if i am feeling irritated by him??
 

icesugar

New Member
Probably this is the saturation point, and in all relationships, there's always a saturating point... It might do some good to take a break, go for a holiday together with your hubby... Think of why you fell for him and why did you decided to marry him?? He sure has his good points that attracted you... But very often, down the years of marriage, we tend to forget why we fell in love with our partners, and we can only see how they are irriating us everyday from the things they do...

For a married couple who has not had sex for almost 2 years seem pretty serious... U might wanna create some ambience to get into the mood for sex...

However, end of the day, sex does not solve everything... Most important is to rekindle the love and passion between the both of you...
 

powder

Active Member
wah Sugar,

if need to go down this road then it's pretty sad dun u think? it's like sending out reminders to yourself to prevent yourself from forgetting... making it a very Conscious Effort... which sorta goes against the whole idea of Love...

if u CANNOT consciously force yourself to love someone when u were dating, what makes u think u can do the same after u have married and to only this one guy? it'll be more like Resignation after a few months/years of trying.

i think women are the only pple who need to remind themselves why they fell in love... when u make a decision to marry, it should be to love and be together for a lifetime... unless someone changes and u can no longer love them...

Otherwise it's more likely u have never loved them and the whole idea of love was more becos u were in love with the concept of marriage, weddings n getting a HDB...

if u can't force yourself to eat vegetables after so many years, if u can't force yourself to like your job even tho the pay is not bad... what makes u think a holiday and lots of thinking can make u suddenly be thankful for marrying the guy in front of u? when for a long while, u're wondering why the hell u married him and u feel stuck becos of the kid...

this is unrealistic and unlikely to lead to any real form of problem-solving... and we know matters of the heart aren't solved this way... BUT, this seems to be a rather popular method of applying the first foolish solution... maybe heavily marketed by TV Serials providing a 3minute montage of flashbacks against some sweet lovesong...

why u fell for him? well if u get down to the truth... u May in fact, realise that u never fell for him... u merely used him as an excuse to get married and get out of the house... Of cos, the other possibility is that u married way before u had the maturity to decide what Lifetime encompassed... and thus this simply means that u have changed... u have changed your perception, your attitude, your outlook and everything...

which means perhaps that it ISN'T him, it's u.
 

powder

Active Member
the other thing i would like to point out... is that local women still tend to possess a princessy attitude in them... it is always abt what the guys do, what the guys didn't do...

it's like u're sitting in a throne and your guy is the clown coming in every hour to put up a performance for u... and each time he has to make u laugh... when he stops making u laugh, u start wondering why u keep to him, u wonder if there are better clowns to entertain u out there, u wonder this and that...

and there as u think, u haven't gotten your fat butt out of the bloody throne yet.

the world doesn't revolve around u and it's not abt what the guy does... it's Also abt what u do... and what are u doing? watching korean serials? spending your time on facebook and being envious of others?

we are in the period where more and more pple are spending their lives living make-believe lives and monitoring Other pple's lives... Than Their Own?
 

icesugar

New Member
haha... Powder, sometimes i guess ladies r blinded by wat is in front of them and forget what exactly were the attractive points their husbands have... During dating times, esp if the couple did not live together for some time before their marriage, they might get a shock when they stay together, cos of the little living habits tat each other has but both did not see during dating times...

Not saying the feeling has changed, not saying that no longer love each other, but probably at e point in time, juz blinded by other factors, and cause attention is given to the little one, it makes it probably harder to have time alone together...

But of course, different ppl have different thinking, this is a sharing session rite? I'm not putting the blame on the husband and saying he irritated her or doing the wrongs things tat's why causing this to happen... Rather, i'm asking her to find it within herself, to find back the love she has for him...

This is juz my personal view...
 

powder

Active Member
sori, another thing to add...

Marriage is only hard work if u dun Choose Right in the first place... and u refuse to open your eyes and be exposed before taking the plunge... u think life is gonna just show u 1 guy or 1 girl and that's it...

the only hard work in marriage is probably 1) managing time (cos spore so much worktime required), 2) staying faithful... (cos u STILL meet pple and some may be attracted to u)...

thing is, if u chose the right person to build your life with... it's Not as difficult as some pple make it out to be... in the first place u Have To question the reason they got married.

i really dun know why i'm posting to be honest... sometime it feels like nobody is really bothered to explore themselves, their lives, their Insides... but rather, living a little lie, a day at a time... hopeing nobody ever finds out their actual agenda in life...
 

powder

Active Member
Sugar,

i do get u... but my next question would be.. why dun u explore those things? whether cohabit for a year, have premarital sex, and do all the things real married pple do first... before signing an official paper?

isit so difficult and still very conservative nowadays?

as a guy, i think i wouldn't jump into a marriage knowing i would never get a blowjob for the rest of my life... just to be abit crude... and what am i gonna do? force the woman i marry to unwillingly give me a blowjob??? and so i screw myself into 2 choices... 1) forget blowjobs this lifetime, 2) get from someone else... of cos it's possible wife might change mind, but that's like a long long shot...

OK, i'm not trying to say i Need a blowjob, it's just sort of a consideration that i am throwing... as a possible consideration to make, in a more exaggerated form...

it's same if i'm a lady and i cannot orgasm thru penetration alone and i need some oral to reach that point... would i marry a guy who would Never Ever wanna use his tongue down there??? and if i wanna stay faithful, i am resigned to orgasms thru self-relief, isn't it?

there's many decisions in life we can make with pre-made tests and trials... but we restrict ourselves by archaic religious or conservative thoughts...

so really, there's many ways to help ourselves make a good decision... we're just too reckless to explore most times... and we just throw caution to the wind.

ps: using sex is more of a common language... but there are other factors like Finances, Gambling, Addicts etc... u wouldn't marry certain pple who do certain things... likewise u Should not marry pple who Won't do certain things... or worst - marry a guy who does Nothing. basically a bum and sooner or later u'll be quarrelling over finances.
 

secondtime

New Member
let him know that you are really serious of divorcing him this time.U think this will work?
for me, we also self separate this period.so far he is trying to do something to our marriage and also we are attending counselling too.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
It's really very sad how people talk about digging into long lost memory to feel love for their spouse all over again. What kinda love is that?
 

mediamonk

New Member
Perhaps instead of looking for this ethereal "love"... learn to be friends again... do things together you both enjoy. talk about things you are both interested in. When it comes down to it, those are the things that keep a marriage together, not "passionate love"
 

secondtime

New Member
confused29

first go see a GP. tell him that you are under stress about family matters.It will calm you down and then u see how you want to be done.

for now i am also under medication. so far so good. but ur husband also needs to change on his side too.

if u really want to go for divorce. u need to think. will you be able to support urself. what about ur child who is going to take care. is ur husband willing to go for divorce... can ur child cope?? ..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
It's a misconception that marriage and relationship is all about hard work. It is not. It is a lot of discovery of the other person and self, and it is pretty fun.
 

denise80

Active Member
Cheryl,

how did the whole situation escalate to two years of no sex in the first place?? Hmm...if I were you, if there was no sex for a month, I would have spoken up or do something about it. I think as women, we need to play an active role in maintaining a healthy marriage too. The lack of sexual attraction between u two is not the main problem because it happens to other married couples too. The lack of communication is the main crux I feel.

There are times where my hubby and I are so used to one another that we don't really talk much but somehow, it's pretty natural for the two of us to try to think of things to talk about. Maybe it's our personality, maybe it's our effort. I don't know but there was never a dull moment. Doing certain 'routines' together helps. We will jog or go to the gym together or scout around for good food. I think keeping a relationship (whether married or not) alive is so important. I was pleasantly surprised to hear a 12-year-old kid telling me the other day that my hubby and I behave like we are bf and gf and not married couples. Wow, even a 12-year-old kid perceives a married life as dull and predictable! Possibly this kid views it this way from observing his parents!

In short, have a good talk with him. Why don't you consider going overseas with your hubby? If there's someone to take care of your kid, try travelling with your hubby alone. Then with just the two of you, revisit places you two have been and recollect fond memories of the past and have a heart-to-heart talk.
 

singamulets

New Member
Absolutely True!!!. I agree what denise80 had said. Cherlyn, Keyword is communication.

Find a suitable time and talk to your hubby. Tell him how you feel and how both of you can do to spice up your marriage life.

Wish you a Happy New Year 2011 & a blissful marriage. Take good care ;p
 

pannie

Member
Cheryl: I think you need to communicate with your hubby. My baby is now 6mths old. When I went HKG with hubby 2 weeks back, I realise he doesn't hold my hands when we walk or cross the road, he doesn't initiate sex anymore. So on the 2nd day of holiday, I told him how I felt and say I feel we drifting further and further, like strangers liao. That's when I found out he thought I don't like him to hold my hands when we walk after giving birth and I don't feel like having sex with him since taking care of bb is already so tiring. That's when we clear things up and the rest of the trip and after are sweet once again. So talk to your hubby.
 

carlislesg

New Member
Maybe you should talk about this... because marriage without sex for about 2 years is not common. Ask him everything, don't hesitate to ask him because he is your husband.
 

poorthing

Member
Hi
I jus married for 6mth. Our House is doing renovation now. Our id kp giving us problem. Delaying the work, has been doing renovation for 4mths n its not ready yet. Becos of this, me n my husband everyday quarrelled. And he starts to hit me. I do not know what to do. I dont wan to be beat everyday. Should i file for separation or divorce?
 

scopefun

New Member
Poorthing,

What do you think?

LOL~

It's not uncommon if a wife is horrible or is infidel that a man beat the wife... it's out of disappointment and love.

But... your issue is merely another small issue in life and you got beaten... It's merely due to his upbringing and his love for you is not real.

A man who loves his woman will want to protect her... Think about it.
 

powder

Active Member
simpler solution is to change ID, but seems both of u choose to make each other responsible instead of the ID.

u two should have bought a movie ticket together instead of a house. or perhaps the ID isa fren or relative... in which case makes it even worse.

if u dun have money - file for separation.

if u have money - file for divorce.

give yourself a couple more years before getting married again. PLS

and let the forum know which ID not to use.
 
how do you give birth ?

-Naturally ? you will have a problem in sex life ( i know this because i date many single mom and i never enjoy it, because i don't feel anything)

-Cesarean ? you never have this problem.
 

powder

Active Member
u're the ultimate stalker! damns solid... the speed at which u jump at posting abt milo is just amazing...

u're like some gay stalker trying to get his attention.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Poorthing,

For reno matters, I always prep my hubby with the worst scenerios. We have done 3 reno.

My hubby will supervise the workers while I do the prep work and take care of kids.

I will source for 3 quotations and ask him to choose. I will alert him that the advertisements, promotions and freebies may not be true.

I always remind hubby to call the workers the schedule the day before. I also prep my hubby that they maybe be late or have unlucky encounters during reno.

I will ask my hubby to bring drinks and package food I prep for the workers and pay them a bit more for their effort.

After reno when hubby reach home, I will comfort him and ask him did he have a bad day dealing with the workers or reno as reno matters are hard work and have lots of unexpected things cropping out.

Surprisingly, he says no. The workers came on time or a bit late and though there were difficulties in reno, they manage to work them out. Sometimes, it can become a happy event even, with my hubby boasting how he manage to solve certain reno things with the workers. And after his boasting session, I will clap my hands and say he is very great.

I think if you moderate your hubby's expectation of the reno. Things will be fine.

Try these tips and see if they work.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
powder, like pet dogs, they are normally the loudest to compensate the lack of size. Same applies on how SUPER this doggy is.
 

djgemz

New Member
Hi confused29, I'm happy for you that you have finally resolved your issue with your husband! Indeed it is not a one day can solve kind of problem which reminds us to try not to take the easy way out.

Hi Poorthing, I agree with Albee about moderating expectations.

Reno can be a stressful thing and can create opportunities to quarrel. Take a step back and try to see a bigger picture and not just focus on the problem. Don't quickly think of divorce once something crops up. But do talk to your husband calmly that it is not right for him to get physical even if you have disagreements regarding the reno. Remind him that the disagreement is about the issue, not about you personally. Try to keep them as separate issues. Let him know that you understand that he is stressed out, and that there's no need to get worked up over a small issue. Going for holiday is a good idea to take your minds off the problem for a while and get to know each other better.

All the best in working things out! =)
 

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