I realised I did not really love my wife anymore after marriage

cityzen85

New Member
Hi guys, I am new to this forum and I am currently in a mess right now.

I have been married to my wife for 4 years and we did not consummate our marriage during these 4 years. I always cited the reason of my skin condition psoriasis as a reason even though I am on medication to control it now. I always find myself not sexually attracted to my wife and even though she always took the approach, I am always the one to reject her. Being in this marriage have been a burden for me but I have kept it within myself all these while. I did not know how to tell my wife what and how I am feeling towards her as I did not want to break her heart. I just cannot bear to do so.

Refusing sex with with my wife have simply provided me an excuse to seek gratification outside of my marriage. For these few years, I have been living a secret life where I would have anonymous sexual encounters with both men/women whom I got to know from local sex forums. It was only until recently a few weeks ago when my wife checked my computer and found out the photos I took with them during our make-out sessions. That's when my world came crashing down.. I was forced to admit of my gratification to my wife, parents and brother/sister. That's when I decided I needed to put a stop to all these and seek professional help. I am now currently living separately with my wife. She is staying in our matrimonial home while I stay at my parents.

My wife accuses me of being gay, which I vehemently denied that accusation. I have attached an article link which my therapist suggested me to read up here.
Straight Men who have Sex with Men

I am currently seeing a sex addiction therapist and undergoing a recovery program. All these days of living separately with my wife have made me thought a lot about our future. During our dating stage, I admit there was some kind of puppy love between us. But knowing myself, I am a selfish and self-centered person. I do not like to be tied down. It was due to pressure from my parents' which made me propose to my wife and got married right after my elder brother did.

Thinking back, I realized marriage has been a mistake for me and it is my fault for dragging so long and getting into such a messy situation right now. I also realized I do not love my wife anymore, I really wanted a separation. I would rather admit to her that I am gay to make her give up on me. She has cried during a few calls to ask why am I such a cold hearted person. What I have for her now is not love anymore but sympathy because it was all my fault and never hers. I would even give up the HDB flat and transfer to her name if I could, but sadly we bought it for less than 5 years (must sell back to HDB). I know I need to be tell her honestly how I felt towards her now as I do not want to give her any false hope and even if we managed to "salvage" our relationship, I swore I could not fulfill her intimacy and emotional need as a husband.

What should I do now please?
 


I think divorce and let her start her life anew. I'd agree that you are heartless and selfish to have gone into this matrimonial union

And you do realise that you have damaged her psychologically right?
 

cityzen85

New Member
I think divorce and let her start her life anew. I'd agree that you are heartless and selfish to have gone into this matrimonial union

And you do realise that you have damaged her psychologically right?

Yes, i am blaming myself for all the damages i have done to her. I really wish i can make it up to her. But definitely not as a husband *cry*
 

Katejake

New Member
Hi there, I somehow can relate to your story.

I’m married for 1.5 years now and believe it or not, I have not consumated marriage with my husband as well. We did not have pre-marital sex before marriage.

During our marriage, we have tried about 10 over times but all failed. Simply becos my husband can’t “stand”. I would say that I’m a fairly attractive lady. Abt 7/10. My husband will cite reasons like he’s nervous, think that it’s a “dirty” deed, etc. He’s a very OCD hygienic person. I initially thought he has ED but he said he doesn’t have it and will DIY if he has lust. But I really cannot accept that he rather DIY than do it with his wife. I find myself really pathetic and depressed when I thought of this problem in our marriage. He assured me that he loves me, just that we are unable to do the deed because he can’t get pass his emotional barrier. I have raised the topic of seeing a doc/psychologist. But he’s against the idea most likely due to “face” issue. I am 100% sure that he doesn’t visit any women outside.

Sometimes, I thought of just calling it quits as I feel our marriage is not “normal”. But I’m unable to and can’t bear to cos aside from this issue, he dotes on me pretty much. Is this my fate? Being in a sexless marriage...

Any advise?
 

newproject

Active Member
Hey Katejake

Hi there, I somehow can relate to your story.

I’m married for 1.5 years now and believe it or not, I have not consumated marriage with my husband as well. We did not have pre-marital sex before marriage.

During our marriage, we have tried about 10 over times but all failed. Simply becos my husband can’t “stand”. I would say that I’m a fairly attractive lady. Abt 7/10. My husband will cite reasons like he’s nervous, think that it’s a “dirty” deed, etc. He’s a very OCD hygienic person. I initially thought he has ED but he said he doesn’t have it and will DIY if he has lust. But I really cannot accept that he rather DIY than do it with his wife. I find myself really pathetic and depressed when I thought of this problem in our marriage. He assured me that he loves me, just that we are unable to do the deed because he can’t get pass his emotional barrier. I have raised the topic of seeing a doc/psychologist. But he’s against the idea most likely due to “face” issue. I am 100% sure that he doesn’t visit any women outside.

Sometimes, I thought of just calling it quits as I feel our marriage is not “normal”. But I’m unable to and can’t bear to cos aside from this issue, he dotes on me pretty much. Is this my fate? Being in a sexless marriage...

Any advise?

Sorry to hear your troubles. Is this the same Malaysian guy from your 2016 post?

Anyway I think it definitely isn't normal even if you were 4/10, or 5/10 much less 7/10!

This isn't a thing that will automatically resolve itself.

I can believe he actually DIY , probably a virgin who never had sex before. DIY very different from having sex and no doubt OCD might think sex is gross.

How does he DIY? Watch porn? Some guys watch so much porn they can't get it off unless certain knick is hit. Porn addiction.

I don't really have much advise except I suspect this definitely needs professional help.

You probably know this , non consumatuon is one way to anull the marriage. I believe it has to be within 3 years of marriage (check with your lawyer).

So the clock is ticking...

Good luck.
 

Katejake

New Member
Hi, thanks for your reply. Yes, we are both virgins. He said he usually DIY when taking a bath. I’m not sure how frequent he watches porn before we got married but since we started living together, I think I have never seen him watch porn.

Anyway I don’t think I will divorce him because of this reason. It’s just that I need more time to let the hard truth sink in that we are in a sexless marriage.
 
Hi, thanks for your reply. Yes, we are both virgins. He said he usually DIY when taking a bath. I’m not sure how frequent he watches porn before we got married but since we started living together, I think I have never seen him watch porn.

Anyway I don’t think I will divorce him because of this reason. It’s just that I need more time to let the hard truth sink in that we are in a sexless marriage.
He could either be asexual or a closet gay. Either way it is the end of your sex life ...

If this situation is untenable then seeking an annulment might be the way forward as @newproject has suggested. What is holding you back from taking this course of action?
 

MyENV

New Member
Hi guys, I am new to this forum and I am currently in a mess right now.

I have been married to my wife for 4 years and we did not consummate our marriage during these 4 years. I always cited the reason of my skin condition psoriasis as a reason even though I am on medication to control it now. I always find myself not sexually attracted to my wife and even though she always took the approach, I am always the one to reject her. Being in this marriage have been a burden for me but I have kept it within myself all these while. I did not know how to tell my wife what and how I am feeling towards her as I did not want to break her heart. I just cannot bear to do so.

Refusing sex with with my wife have simply provided me an excuse to seek gratification outside of my marriage. For these few years, I have been living a secret life where I would have anonymous sexual encounters with both men/women whom I got to know from local sex forums. It was only until recently a few weeks ago when my wife checked my computer and found out the photos I took with them during our make-out sessions. That's when my world came crashing down.. I was forced to admit of my gratification to my wife, parents and brother/sister. That's when I decided I needed to put a stop to all these and seek professional help. I am now currently living separately with my wife. She is staying in our matrimonial home while I stay at my parents.

My wife accuses me of being gay, which I vehemently denied that accusation. I have attached an article link which my therapist suggested me to read up here.
Straight Men who have Sex with Men

I am currently seeing a sex addiction therapist and undergoing a recovery program. All these days of living separately with my wife have made me thought a lot about our future. During our dating stage, I admit there was some kind of puppy love between us. But knowing myself, I am a selfish and self-centered person. I do not like to be tied down. It was due to pressure from my parents' which made me propose to my wife and got married right after my elder brother did.

Thinking back, I realized marriage has been a mistake for me and it is my fault for dragging so long and getting into such a messy situation right now. I also realized I do not love my wife anymore, I really wanted a separation. I would rather admit to her that I am gay to make her give up on me. She has cried during a few calls to ask why am I such a cold hearted person. What I have for her now is not love anymore but sympathy because it was all my fault and never hers. I would even give up the HDB flat and transfer to her name if I could, but sadly we bought it for less than 5 years (must sell back to HDB). I know I need to be tell her honestly how I felt towards her now as I do not want to give her any false hope and even if we managed to "salvage" our relationship, I swore I could not fulfill her intimacy and emotional need as a husband.

What should I do now please?
What’s more important right now is that your wife has been hurt terribly and can get suicidal easily. Her entire marriage has been a lie. Deceived someone who loves you and commits her life to you is never justifiable. You literally destroyed the life of your wife because she’d never be able to trust a man again.
My advices are you need to give her time to come to terms with her grief.
Get a trusted third party to ask your wife to seek counsellor/therapist to help process all of it. She needs to have healthy closure. I hope she has the support of her family/friends to tide through this difficult time instead of facing it alone. You have to wait till she is ready.
 

newproject

Active Member
Hi, thanks for your reply. Yes, we are both virgins. He said he usually DIY when taking a bath. I’m not sure how frequent he watches porn before we got married but since we started living together, I think I have never seen him watch porn.

Anyway I don’t think I will divorce him because of this reason. It’s just that I need more time to let the hard truth sink in that we are in a sexless marriage.
What does he fantasize about when he DIY?

Maybe he gay as someone else suggested.

I mean I guess your sex drive isn't high? So if you ok with sexless marriage , ok loh.

What about kids? Plan any?
 

NewChapter

New Member
Hi there, I somehow can relate to your story.

I’m married for 1.5 years now and believe it or not, I have not consumated marriage with my husband as well. We did not have pre-marital sex before marriage.

During our marriage, we have tried about 10 over times but all failed. Simply becos my husband can’t “stand”. I would say that I’m a fairly attractive lady. Abt 7/10. My husband will cite reasons like he’s nervous, think that it’s a “dirty” deed, etc. He’s a very OCD hygienic person. I initially thought he has ED but he said he doesn’t have it and will DIY if he has lust. But I really cannot accept that he rather DIY than do it with his wife. I find myself really pathetic and depressed when I thought of this problem in our marriage. He assured me that he loves me, just that we are unable to do the deed because he can’t get pass his emotional barrier. I have raised the topic of seeing a doc/psychologist. But he’s against the idea most likely due to “face” issue. I am 100% sure that he doesn’t visit any women outside.

Sometimes, I thought of just calling it quits as I feel our marriage is not “normal”. But I’m unable to and can’t bear to cos aside from this issue, he dotes on me pretty much. Is this my fate? Being in a sexless marriage...

Any advise?

Gone case , need to jump ship
 

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