I proposed and discovered that GF has a 6 year old kid - What should I do?

[toerino]

I am currently living in the States and have been in a relationship with a Caucasian lady (call her K) for about 4 years. She is 1 year younger than me. She has been very supportive of me and we went through many difficult periods together (wouldn't go into details here). As I have been doing well in my career and our relationship has really became stronger over these years, I began having thoughts of proposing to her and dropped subtle hints many times before making the final move a few days.

Her initial reaction was kind of unexpected as she appeared uncomfortable and said she has something to tell me. After much wait and deliberation, it turns out that she has a 6 year old son with her ex-boyfriend and the boy is under his care. When K was laying out the details of the story to me a few days ago, I was speechless but I managed to appear calm without any repulse. She said she has not been in direct contact with her ex-bf (call him J) since he left her town for city for college. She also said she has no feelings for him whatsoever and mentions that she only visit her son in the summer every year. Also, she mentioned that she didn't want to tell me because she thought it was not very glamorous and thought it was the worst mistake she made in her life. Before she went into the details leading to her pregnancy, she broke down and I didn't probe further. From the quivers and tears, I can barely make out that J is a childhood sweetheart of my gf.

On the other hand, I am very close to my Mum who's in Singapore and when I spoke to her, I asked her how will she feel if I married K and she already has a kid with another guy. I think she was speechless beyond belief. She then asked my brother to call me so I wouldn't do anything "impulsive" and he said she will come over and "visit" me soon.

To be honest, I am confused and have doubts over a few things. I sincerely ask for advice so I can make a better decision..

1) What kind of role (towards K's son) will I be expected to play if I am to marry K? I know I don't have any legal responsibilities towards the boy but I am sort of worried about his future. I began entertaining concerns that that J is a technician in a small town and may not be able to provide a good learning/living environment for K's son. I know it's a dangerous thought but I just want to ask how you guys think about the possibility of bringing the kid over to the city so I can be more involved in his education etc.

2) I then spoke to 1 of my ex-classmates and she mentioned that K was quite wild when she was a freshman (1st year college student). She mentioned something about her hooking up with guys who were well-off. From what I can make out, it may be the financial constraints that made her do that but at this instant, I realized that I did not jump to her defense at all. While on my way back, I could not recall any thoughts that she is after my money when I met her. In fact, I think we had a thrifty courtship. If you were me, will you start having doubts about K?

3) I feel kind of disappointed at her and it appears that she has shown many signs of weaknesses when times were not so good.. I am a traditional man and always viewed marriage as a very important thing. This incident has really shaken my resolve to marry her.. For those who has married divorcees with kids, how did you overcome the mental barrier?

 

[lovingyou]

Everyone has a past, be it good or bad, glamous or otherwise. Whatever we do now, can't turn back the clock and change the past, we can only change the present, change our future? In love and wanting to settle down with the person is different from loving someone and being able to accept the person in and out, good and bad points of the person. She could have change for the better or she might be putting on an act, only you can tell perhaps? It was a mistake in the past but if u realli can't overcome it, it is better not to discuss marriage.... has she accepted the proposal btw?

 

[hoddioo]

this must be a big shock to you.

how long have u been aboard?
it sounds like u r not really that serious into marrying her because u shd accept everything she did in the past.

anyway, please get into contact with her parents and ask them what she did in the past. also schedule to meet her son

 

[miloice]

Why suggest to bring parents into the picture to dig past History. Do u expect a guarantee in marriage? If your marriage eventually failed. Does that make u less a person? She is what she is today because of her unique past. What's important is who u guys r today and where u r heading. If u cannot deal with that. Be honest with yourself. No point forcing. It has more to do within yourselves. Don't complicate things by blabbering every detail to your family. U need to know how to protect your partner. u make a lousy and insensitive mate if u don't even do that. Think of what your parents will think of her.

 

[hoddioo]

milo i dont agree with u loh

ts already said he's close with his mum and this type of thing should have his mum's approval as well..

 

[susanna_low]

What kind of mother will ive birth to a child and only see him once a year? and all these wouldn't happen if she is frank and did not kept mum about her son durin the 4years courship.
Being a single mum is not a shame but hidin the fact and finding it a shame, yes!

 

[infojunkie]

she should hv been more honest with u, but instead she chose to keep it a secret.
it's just not rite to engage someone in an emotional affair without "coming clean" beforehand. after all, it's a 4 year relationship not a 4 mth fling.

 

[green_tranquility]

Terino,
" I am a traditional man and always viewed marriage as a very important thing. "

Please see how you have described yourself. She probably hides about her 'single mother' identity because she knows that you are UNABLE to handle the TRUTH. She's fearful of losing u.

 

[the_giving_tree]

If you cannot accept marrying a partner with a past, then I think you should not go ahead with the relationship. Because this is going to be a constant thorn in the relationship.

I may be wrong to generalize here but coming from where you are, I guess being a single parent is quite an accepted norm there?

 

[miloice]

I'm close with my mum but I don't believe in burning bridges between my mum and wife. Some common sense and tact is required. Careful filtering and no need to dig all the details to his mum. It doesn't take a genious to realize the effect of such a move. If he knows its tough for his mum to accept a DIL with history, then he needs to either put alot of effort to slowly guiding his mum to know and accept his partner or be a mummy's boy to obey and do things she thinks is good for him only.

 

[simpleman]

What is wrong with a having a child with her ex?

If you can't accept it, then so be it.

Obviously she don't mean much to you.

She told you the truth after you drop hints of proposal. She did not mean to bluff you because she never thought you would propose. If you are not proposing, what is the point of telling you about her son?

At least you know the truth now.. So if you can't accept it, then move on.

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

I totally agree with sm. Your love for her is not strong enough to go through this shock.

Yes, for her to lie to you for so many yrs, it's not right. But at least she chose to be frank with you before you both take another big step. As for the reaction of your mum, hmmm... I'm wondering why are you even reporting it to your mum before you resolve it within yourself. The relationship is between you and her. Instead of resolving both of your feelings as well as the shock discovery between the both of you, you chose to have a third party to preside over the final decision towards where the relationship should go.

My advice, pls do not hang on anymore. You will do her more harm once your mother is involved. Since your mother is already involved. Spare her further embarrassment as well as hurt.

 

[lovingyou]

toerino: agree with the rest and you won't be able to convince your mum otherwise if you can't accept this fact as well. Take a break and re-assess your mindset and think carefully if you want to move on or accept who she is....

 

[cuclainne]

i don't get it - he's been with her for 4 years, she mentioned that she visits the boy every summer ... why didn't that make him curious or did he just not realise that she takes off during the summer???

 

[lovingyou]

Hmm.. perhaps TS returned to SG for visiting while she did that?

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Cos, he's a guy, not a woman. Maybe?

 

[thommy]

The biggest problem does not lie with her, its YOU toerino.

You have to overcome the mental barrier in your head first before you attempt to go any further in the relationship. If you can't do that, move on.

 

[hoddioo]

Toerino any update.. hope ur gf is not like jack neo

 

[moistfaucet]

toerino,

don't EVER try to be her son's father, you will never be. try to be his best friend. this way much better than parent authority. being a best friend to someone kid or our kid is much better than act like a parent, because the communication. remember when we were young ? who knows our problem when we were kid? of course our buddy. parents ? we simply avoid it as fast as we could. why ? ask yourself.

i understand you are quite shock, you know, like you think your gf is a female but actually later on found out that she is a shemale. something like that. it has nothing to do with the strong love or not.

what if you found out later your BF does not have penis ? so your strong love still love him ?

stupid.

 

[onegoal]

buy one get one free.
No good meh?

 

[serene_yam]

Toerino, if you really love her, you will accept her the way she is, regardless of the existence of her son. True, you are close to your mum, but you should also know that being close to your mum, doesn't mean that you abide accordingly to all that you mum says without discern and tact. If you are doing so, most probably you are just using your mum as an excuse. Search your own heart. What you are feeling, are these due to your mum, or due to you yourself? Don't just conveniently place the excuse to some one else, mum or not mum.

P.S: After searching yourself, if you think that you can't accept her with the fact she has a son, please leave her and move on. Don't be wishy-washy.