I need help in my marriage

[honker]

Hi all.
This is my 1st posts here although I've been reading up for a while already.

Here is my situation,
I am married for 3 years past nov 2016. We just gotten my 3 room hdb flat after waiting for 3 years and it is fully paid via CPF and cash but ever since we started living in this new flat, we had some disagreements with the house chores just like most couples. We have a dog we bought together right after or marriage, we love her and dote her alot. My wife divorced before with a son under her ex husband custody, son is 16 years old now and he comes to our new home every weekends. I have great relationship with him, better than his father has.

The problem is my wife has been emotionally assaulting me to the point that I am being bullied. No matter what I do now cant satisfy her. Whatever I do seems to be wrong to her, even when I try to feed my dog medication when she is cooking in the kitchen, she scolded me for walking in and out and blocking her way when I was taking her medication. PS. I bathe, groom and feed my dog medication all the way as my wife give reasons saying that since im used to doing it, might as well I do it all the way. But occasionally if I miss the timing of medication abit, she would scold me for it and if I retaliate, she usually become unreasonable and become angrier. This always happen if I ever dare to talk back for any issue.

As such, over time, I somehow become afraid of her. Afraid of making her angry although there is no way to avoid making her angry as she seems to be able find fault in anything, regarding our dog, me doing house work everyday or when I ignore her when I am on the computer doing my work as my work is sometime home-based.

To a point sometime one month ago, she became so fed up that she scolded me again for not washing my feet once I get home, I talked back to her saying she h also hadnt washed her feet yet, why only scold me and not yourself? That triggered her and she said from then on, she would treat me as a room mate, no more touching her. She said she is not going to leave the home nor divorce as she has LL has no where else to stay. Her main reason is because I am not showing enough TLC after we moved in. I gave her my reasons of my fears towards her and my agony that I have to keep quiet everything she scold me which made me wanting to keep away from her but she said it is all B***S***

Too many instances till now I read up on internet and the signs that I got are all related to be emotionally bullied and even I changed my ways for her, she is not willing to change her view and temper on me. She said she would change only if she judge that I have completely changed.

Please help me, I really don't know what to do now. I want to salvage this marriage, willing to change but my wife is still her old verbally abusive self. What can I do to make her change? I tried for the past few months to be showering her with TLC but she doesnt seems to be changing at all, dont even let me kiss her. Im loss......

 

[newproject]

More info please.

How old are you ? Your wife?

Are u both Singaporean?

Does your wife work?

Do you live alone or with Inlaws?

How long did you date before marriage. Was she always like this? Or did she change ?

 

[honker]

35 years this year, same as my wife
We are both Singaporeans
We both work
We live alone with one dog
We dated for 2 years and married for 3. She has been this way after our marriage. While dating she was still sweet and gentle but occasionally flared up. Now, it is very often, like hair triggered. And she isn't sweet or gentle anymore.

 

[miloice]

35 years this year, same as my wife
We are both Singaporeans
We both work
We live alone with one dog
We dated for 2 years and married for 3. She has been this way after our marriage. While dating she was still sweet and gentle but occasionally flared up. Now, it is very often, like hair triggered. And she isn't sweet or gentle anymore.

When a woman is emotional, she doesn't need solutions, she needs attention. Her issues is probably not something new and probably affected her previous marriage as well. Your fear will make you withdraw more and she resents it. To her, you have changed and not showing TLC. If you want to work on your relationship with her, you gotta learn how to manage her temper and guide her. Until she sees her own issues, she is blaming you. She has serious anger management issues and she doesn't see and acknowledge it. If you want to savage the relationship, you need to take the patience and burden to be the influencer. Guiding her to reflect on her own emotions.

For example, when she flares, hug her. Assure her how much you love her and is there for her. When she abuses you, tell her, it hurts. Then, give her space to calm down. Don't focus on the bad behavior. No one is nice when they are emotionally out of control. Your feedback must come after when she has calmed down. The focus is not who is to blame, is learning together to understand each other better.

 

[life_is]

35 years this year, same as my wife
We are both Singaporeans
We both work
We live alone with one dog
We dated for 2 years and married for 3. She has been this way after our marriage. While dating she was still sweet and gentle but occasionally flared up. Now, it is very often, like hair triggered. And she isn't sweet or gentle anymore.

Probably good reasons why she divorced before. This sounds so much like my ex wife. The moment the marriage certificate is obtained, all hell breaks loose. She was gentle and sweet so you would marry her. Now you will have to face the reality of our marriage system.

You don't have to do anything at home if nothing pleases her. It's impossible to please her based on what you said, so you might as well do nothing at home. If she doesn't wake up and appreciate your help, don't waste time with her. Go enjoy life outside instead.

 

[newproject]

35 years this year, same as my wife
We are both Singaporeans
We both work
We live alone with one dog
We dated for 2 years and married for 3. She has been this way after our marriage. While dating she was still sweet and gentle but occasionally flared up. Now, it is very often, like hair triggered. And she isn't sweet or gentle anymore.

You got two opinions so far.

You can take the positive one but frankly I think your chances are low.

All the best to you .

 

[miloice]

Probably good reasons why she divorced before. This sounds so much like my ex wife. The moment the marriage certificate is obtained, all hell breaks loose. She was gentle and sweet so you would marry her. Now you will have to face the reality of our marriage system.

You don't have to do anything at home if nothing pleases her. It's impossible to please her based on what you said, so you might as well do nothing at home. If she doesn't wake up and appreciate your help, don't waste time with her. Go enjoy life outside instead.

Agree with you except that it will not help the relationship at all. Better to end it than drag if this way.

 

[Infernolord]

35 years this year, same as my wife
We are both Singaporeans
We both work
We live alone with one dog
We dated for 2 years and married for 3. She has been this way after our marriage. While dating she was still sweet and gentle but occasionally flared up. Now, it is very often, like hair triggered. And she isn't sweet or gentle anymore.

I think she aldy lost respect for you.
I been tru this shit in many of my rs. Giving in and believing that you try your best will change a person, and will not work.

If she is quite confident and independent kind of ger.
Right from the start, i think she is with you becos she feel that you are nice person, always there for her. Accept her baggage and who she is.
(She been tru a bad rs, she want to find someone different like you)

But end of the day, these gers would still want to find guy that lead her. Correct her. And be firm to her. (maybe bad boy kind, kinda of irony)
It is very hard to change her until she find that losing you is her lost.

 

[life_is]

I think she aldy lost respect for you.
I been tru this shit in many of my rs. Giving in and believing that you try your best will change a person, and will not work.

If she is quite confident and independent kind of ger.
Right from the start, i think she is with you becos she feel that you are nice person, always there for her. Accept her baggage and who she is.
(She been tru a bad rs, she want to find someone different like you)

But end of the day, these gers would still want to find guy that lead her. Correct her. And be firm to her. (maybe bad boy kind, kinda of irony)
It is very hard to change her until she find that losing you is her lost.

Agreed. Women don't want weak men. Unless they just want a maid. There are marriages where weak men survive but it's really like a master slave relationship. Same if women are too submissive. Think men would rather just hire maids if they need one as they have everything to lose if marriage fails.

 

[katonglaksa]

You just have to be firm and scold her. Tell her don't do that again and not to shout at you. Draw strength and build up confidence this week and then when she does it again, tell her off. You will FEEL GOOD.

Truth be told, I was a bit like that to my hubby and he told me off firmly. I got a scare and got his point.

Wife should respect husband. If she can get this right, the husband will naturally love her and treat her like precious.

 

[geroithe]

i really think what she needs is attention. instead of being on the defensive, why not invite her to do the things that she wants you to do?

for instance, she said you block her way in the kitchen while taking the dog's medication- say you'll be right back to help with the cooking. or if she nags at you for not washing your feet, get her to go with you and wash your unwashed feet together?

i agree with some of them that YOU have to take the LEAD, but not in terms of kicking her ass and 'putting her in her place', but to steer the relationship to be more positive.

 

[verysadguy]

Probably good reasons why she divorced before. This sounds so much like my ex wife. The moment the marriage certificate is obtained, all hell breaks loose. She was gentle and sweet so you would marry her. Now you will have to face the reality of our marriage system.

You don't have to do anything at home if nothing pleases her. It's impossible to please her based on what you said, so you might as well do nothing at home. If she doesn't wake up and appreciate your help, don't waste time with her. Go enjoy life outside instead.

Same as my ex-wife. Nothing I do can please her. It reaches till a point where even when I drink water from my water bottle, she does not like the sound I made. Same like TS, I become afraid of her and yet in this society, guys are always painted to be the aggressor.

 

[buddhabar]

TS, do you feel like you're constantly in anxiety with her presence . Do you feel like you are walking egg shell around her? Do you feel like she's a time bomb ?

 

[buddhabar]

" It reaches till a point where even when I drink water from my water bottle, she does not like the sound I made "

lol! sorry i can't help it. I guess this is the exact opposite hearing someone says when u love someone even her flatulation is of exotic fragrance.

 

[xiaojojojo]

Same as my ex-wife. Nothing I do can please her. It reaches till a point where even when I drink water from my water bottle, she does not like the sound I made. Same like TS, I become afraid of her and yet in this society, guys are always painted to be the aggressor.

I dont know why.. I feel bad for laughing... "when I drink water from my water bottle, she does not like the sound I made."

 

[newproject]

Update Pls

 

[xinj]

To think that a once-divorced woman would grab and hold on to her opportunity of a better life with a new person (you) now. But she is being overbearing and abusive. You need to be firm with her, but not shout or lose your temper. You guys need to go for counselling. Maybe there's even a chance she has a mental illness like depression/anxiety or just generally too much stress overall because of juggling work and home life, so everything is bugging her. Please don't accept all that emotional abuse. And don't believe that you need to fully accept someone's baggage by letting yourself be their emotional punching bag. You are going to get worn out over time. You will hit a breaking point too. You need to talk things through and give an ultimatum: If she continues to treat you like an emotional punching bag, you would leave. Both parties need mutual respect in a relationship. She does not respect you at all. And at the crux of it, she no longer 'feels attracted' to you because she's also taking you for granted since you're already there and she assumes you have accepted her baggage. When you talk to her about an ultimatum, don't say it in a way that you are threatening her, because she could get defensive and more aggressive about it. Say it firmly that this is your decision and she either respects it and you both work things out properly like proper adults, or you both call it quits.

 

[JaneLi]

In your case i think u might need to give in a little bit more & talk to her more often rather then doing your own stuffs when you reach home, sometimes a woman changes after giving birth & having to take care of the children it will inevitably create some emotional stress on her ..