I left nothing after my divorce.. why is so unfair to me !!!!

[springleaf]

I have intended to file for a divorce soon and my main concern is the flat and the $$ i have been paying for his bank debts.

For the flat, after paying off the outstanding loan, there is not enough net proceeds to refund our CPF money and accured interests. I estimated that the I would have to pay a total of ~$25k of his debts in total.

Therefore, I am thinking of asking for $50k of his CPF monies after the sale of the flat.

However, my lawyer replied that ff there's a shortfall after the sale of the flat, both of us would have to incur the proportionate paper loss in our CPF a/cs. The agent's commission would have to be paid in cash and cannot be deducted from the sales proceeds.

As for his debts, unless he's agreeable to admit to them and pay me/or factor them as part of the matrimonial proceedings, I would have to claim the loans to him in a civil suit, ie in a separate proceedings.

As for his CPF monies, he would not be able to utilise his CPF monies to pay me. The only way is to apply for a charge on his CPF a/c for $X and if successful, that monies would only be payable to me when he's entitled to withdraw his CPF funds, ie when he reaches the stipulated age.

Based on my lawyer advise.. seems like i left nothing after my divorce and i still need to pay for the divorce fee, etc.. and I am still paying for his debts as his debts are under my name !!

I really feel so unfair.. I have wasted my youth on this man and i really want to start afresh in this new year.

Can anyone advise how to minimise my lost or a better suggestion to my advantage?

 

[xylon]

Hi,

Can you ask him to pay for his debts? If he is willing, good. If he is not, can you recover it through legal means? If yes, good. If not, treat it as donation to charity and move on.

Try not to dwell on events that you do not have control over. Focus on things you can do to make your life better, e.g. Focus on earning more money

In Steven Covey's 7 Habits, he says...

We can choose to be reactive to our environment. For example, if the weather is good, we will be happy. If the weather is bad, we will be unhappy. If people treat us well, we will feel well; if they don't, we will feel bad and become defensive. We also can choose to be proactive and not let our situation determine how we will feel. Reactive behavior can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. By accepting that there is nothing we can do about our situation, we in fact become passive and do nothing.

The first habit of highly effective people is proactivity. Proactive people are driven by values that are independent of the weather or how people treat them. Gandhi said, "They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them." Our response to what happened to us affects us more than what actually happened. We can choose to use difficult situations to build our character and develop the ability to better handle such situations in the future.

Proactive people use their resourcefulness and initiative to find solutions rather than just reporting problems and waiting for other people to solve them.

Being proactive means assessing the situation and developing a positive response for it. Organizations can be proactive rather than be at the mercy of their environment. For example, a company operating in an industry that is experiencing a downturn can develop a plan to cut costs and actually use the downturn to increase market share.

Once we decide to be proactive, exactly where we focus our efforts becomes important. There are many concerns in our lives, but we do not always have control over them. One can draw a circle that represents areas of concern, and a smaller circle within the first that represents areas of control. Proactive people focus their efforts on the things over which they have influence, and in the process often expand their area of influence. Reactive people often focus their efforts on areas of concern over which they have no control. Their complaining and negative energy tend to shrink their circle of influence.

In our area of concern, we may have direct control, indirect control, or no control at all. We have direct control over problems caused by our own behavior. We can solve these problems by changing our habits. We have indirect control over problems related to other people's behavior. We can solve these problems by using various methods of human influence, such as empathy, confrontation, example, and persuasion. Many people have only a few basic methods such as fight or flight. For problems over which we have no control, first we must recognize that we have no control, and then gracefully accept that fact and make the best of the situation.



Take Care.

 

[powder]

get the best out of your lawyer, get out of this marriage...

and get back into your life.

when u wanna swim to the shore, do not think of the distance... just swim.

there is no better time than now, to empower yourself with life again... money lost can be earned, the debts will take u at most another 1-2yrs to settle... settling the debts will not handicap u, it will merely inconvenience u.

but being stuck in this marriage will Handicap u for Life... u should be happy.

it's sad, but u're not the first lady i know who has debts incurred by hubby/ex-hubby... it's the oldest story in the book, many have moved on... u can do it too.

 

[springleaf]

Thanks powder & guy for your encouragement. I did get him to settle the debts but he said no money.

He has also stopped paying for the bank debts under his name and court has actually issued a letter about taking away the moveable assets in the house. 80% of the furnitures / electrical applicances are bought by me.. but too bad i did not keep the receipts. So i have actually prepared for the worst: to let them take what they want. My friend is kind enough to offer a room for me to stay.. so unable to move all my furniture over as well.

I have already resigned to my fate as in my $25K will be never be recovered.. I am worried that i won't be able to afford a house of my own at the age of 35 and I wont have much cash left as well after the divorce.

Not sure how much I need to spend of the civil case if to get back my 25K. And also, all the debts are unable my name and he can deny all the $$ was taken by him.

 

[powder]

if the debts are under your name, let the lawyer advise u on whether it's worth the fight. i'm not credible for that kind of advice so better for me not to comment what i dun know.

u WILL be able to afford a house, u just need to work towards it... Dun worry abt it, just work towards clearing the debts... the money thereafter will be yours and u WILL be able to buy a house.

treat the whole affair as if u're fresh out of school with a 30k Education loan to repay... Dun worry abt what your peers already have, just work towards what u need n would like to have...

u have your life back... u are gonna be walking out of prison soon...

 

[mysterious]

Seeing your post suddenly bought back memories of my past marriage. It was the darkest chapter in my life. My youth, effort, time and money was wasted on a loser ex. Sold the flat when the market was really bad and shouldered the most losses too. If I would be patient enough to wait for just 1 more year or slightly longer, my losses would have minimised by alot but I just want my life back.

The only difference between springleaf and I - I do not have any of his debts under my name though I was the one who was stupid enough to empty her own savings to pay for them.

I lost the most in that past marriage, I didn't bother to ask for my money back (he was smart enough to declare bankrupt so that he doesn't have to repay my loan and secretly working w/o OA's knowledge etc). But I'm actually felt happier when I was finally out of this misery. Sometimes my heart does ache as it's such an expensive lesson and my money could have been put to better use instead but think of it this way - money can be earned back. The feeling of getting my life back is really priceless.

If I can move on, so can you.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"As for his CPF monies, he would not be able to utilise his CPF monies to pay me. The only way is to apply for a charge on his CPF a/c for $X and if successful, that monies would only be payable to me when he's entitled to withdraw his CPF funds, ie when he reaches the stipulated age."

Please double check this. Accordingly, this law has been changed since 1 October 2007.

 

[springleaf]

Doll, this.. the statement is actually from my lawyer email. She is supposed to be very experienced in divorce case... well.. maybe need to ask around again.

Mysterious, your ex really declared bankrupt? Did the bank ask you to pay on his behalf? This is also what I am fear of now. I think very soon, he will declare. He keeps blaming me that if we sell the house 3 yrs back, we can make big bucks cos he said that time is peak period. Not sure how true it is.. cos i did not monitor the market trend.

Anyway, no matter what issues, he will blame me for everything. He blamed me of bringing him bad luck when he lost in stock market. He blamed me when he lost in soccer cos i kept talking to him and he cannot focus on which group to buy.

I really feel very stupid of choosing this jerk. I hope to have a happy family with kids.. but now.. i am all alone by myself.. and guess i will have phobia to start a new family.. Moreover, i'm not young anymore.. 33 this year..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Springleaf - Yes, please double check. Since 1 October 2007, the transfer of the CPF monies (approved by court of course) does not have to wait till the time the account holder is eligible to withdraw his CPF funds. That was a pre 1 October 2007 rule.

 

[margret]

springleaf, doll is right. check this
out http://app.subcourts.gov.sg/Data/Files/File/Family/Resources/Papers,%20Reports%20and%20Articles/Division%20of%20CPF-related%20assets%20Mar08%20SLG.pdf

 

[mark78]

33 still young lah. don worry.. my colleagues just got hitch @39.

 

[mysterious]

“Mysterious, your ex really declared bankrupt? Did the bank ask you to pay on his behalf? This is also what I am fear of now. I think very soon, he will declare. He keeps blaming me that if we sell the house 3 yrs back, we can make big bucks cos he said that time is peak period. Not sure how true it is.. cos i did not monitor the market trend.â€

Yes, he did and is still a bankrupt till date (9-10 years already). And no, the banks didn’t approach me as I have mentioned before that none of his debts were under my name.

Hmm… my ex did blame me for his bankruptcy cos I refused to help him further (I had no more money, how to help? and I finally wake up that this will keep happening if I don't save myself from him) and even called me a jinx for bringing him bad luck.

33 is young lah, I’m 34 btw going 35.

 

[springleaf]

We will suffer paper lost of $90K if we are to sell the house.

He proposed to take over my shares in CPF by getting his sister to buy over. Then he and his sister will own this house. Whatever I have contributed through CPF will be returned to me.. and he will not offer me any cash. I don't see by doing this, it will benefit me, only him. He can rent the whole flat out for extra income and I need to rent a room to stay. Few years ago, if market is doing better than now.. he will bound to make a profit selling

Can this arrangemeent be done? Have anyone experienced before? Seems like nothing benefit me.. only him now.

I wanted to talk calming over the phone with him, however, he always lost his patience and raised in a high pitch voice which pissed me off.. The way he put it is to minimise my lost.. but i dun i gain anything at all.

Lost my cash and my flat.. what is all this.....

Also, i dare not approach my lawyer's advise.. cos she asked for $2K deposit the next meetup.. Not sure if i email her, will she start to charge me. I feel so useful as in i'm afraid to talk to my laywer personally... Not sure why.. cos most of the times, i do not realy understand her advise.. I did bring my sister with me.. but then.. she encouraged me to fight back my 25K and to ensure i will benefit from for the house sales.

However, I just want my shares back in the hse and for my 25K for his loan, i think i can just forgo.. The whole thing making me very miserable and is just the beginning.

 

[powder]

your problem is that u just wanna be a damsel in distress and hope someone rescue u... i think this is something u gotta do by yourself, any help is not gonna be very helpful if u die die wanna get back every cent u lost... some money can forego cos u're getting freedom and mental well-being back.

 

[springleaf]

Ya.. i hope someone can really advise me wat i should do.

As for my flat, what is the best way to sell/transfer?

 

[powder]

who would dare to? unless u've got a lawyer here... u might not get the coverage u need on this issue... it needs more scrutiny than simply hearsay information and expectations...

basically the lawyers would be able to advise u how best to protect your interest... u dun even dare to call your lawyer to ask advice to protect yourself becos u afraid to pay... Why dun u ask her abt the payment expectations as well?

u can't just whine that and hope things happen... Start making things happen!

 

[sgbabydoll]

If selling the flat would cause you both to suffer paper loss of $90K or $45K each, wouldn't it be better for you to transfer the flat ownership to his sister so that you get back every cent you have contributed from your CPF account??

 

[springleaf]

doll, not sure how the transfer of ownership and the paper loss works.. Will be going to HDB to ask this sat.

Anyway, in his email to me.. He is very firm that "You won't get a single cent in CASH from me"

Anyone experience smiliar case, selling a house in a paper lost or transfer ownership?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Springleaf, that's the problem with you. You are already in distress even before you find out more information. Please, please go clarify with HDB and weigh your options carefully. That's your responsibility.

I can only tell you that if you sell your flat, besides the so-called "paper loss", there will be cash outlay for the agent's commission, stamp duty, etc.

 

[moistfaucet]

cut all lost and move on.

time is money, the more you wait the more you loose. no time to wait, declare war now.

don't ask a single cent from him.

finish it then have fun with your life.

while you are getting headache to involve all the paperwork, actually you are getting smarter by knowing it.

 

[onegoal]

How old is ur husband?
Likely, ur bazi is not suitable.

 

[emmareen]

Hi all,
Reading your story reminds me of my good friend's story.He is a man of a horrible wife.
From the first day they got married, he have been doing all the house work, paying all the bill and buying all the grosaries(sorry for the misspell).All she did was to cook(like once in 2 mths and using the same dish to preheat for his daily food for the next 3-4 days)and watching the tv everyday.
Every 12th of the month, she would wait for him to come back home after work(coz he is on shift) just to pay all her bills.
She even ask if he was a gay...
Last year, he cannot stand the situation anymore and file for divorce. His intention was to be free but also still paying for his child maintainance till today. Before the mediation, he did draft a letter stated what he will do for financial.She read and threw the paper on the table.
During the mediation day, to his suprise, she brought her lawyer.Below are the list she demand.
1) To take over the house without returning all his CPF.
2) To take 100% child custody.
In the end, the judge order only 75% of his CPF to be transfer to her. In his mind, he thinks that since the wife would like to purchase a HDB house because she have the custody of the child.
Now he is left on less then 40K in his ordinary account at the age of mid 40s.On yes, he need to pay in cash if the sales of the HDB transaction is not enough.
3 days later, there was a Summun from S'pore Women's Charter saying that the wife had reported that he had neglegted or refuse to pay his child maintainance since mid last year.
As how i remember, everytime when he had his pay, he transfer his money to her $200(as a husband to wife) and add $200 for his kid. This excluded the religious and MOE monthly giro deduction from his account and also the child daily school pocket money.Which will add up to $400-$500 monthly.
Yet during the trial, she demanded $650 for the child's monthly and $750 for yearly school and festival money.How much do you expect from a guy who in future could not even afford to pay for a downpayment of a 3rm flat and who only bring back less then $1.5k monthly?Her pay is twice his pay.
Now we have the evidence that he have been giving money to her. Hoping that god will help him and always be by his side.
Well after all, life have never been fair. If the wife is good the husband will be bad. Hence do vise versa.
Now he is left with less then 40K in his Ordinary, no HDB house and no savings.

 

[moistfaucet]

my mother is the smartest woman in the world.

 

[moistfaucet]

springleaf,

why not you declare bankrupt also ? what happend then ?

sorry i don't understand your law, cpf , things.

 

[onegoal]

declare bankrupt for what.
Unless ur debts is more than 100k, else really no point.

 

[anewstart]

are both 35.. and does the sister owe a flat herself..

transfer of ownership is not as simple as you think. Even at the end of the day, when the court grant the approval, it doesn not equate to smooth transaction over at hdb.

Also, if you really have issue over legal fees, you should discuss with your lawyer the payment. It can be work out. They are here to help and not to bankrupt you. It doesnt benefit them, they rather have their money back.

lastly,weight the pros and cons. If you are finacially stable, then go for it and fight. But if you are not, think about it, is the emotional struggle and finanancial struggle that you are going thru worth the "watever that you cant let go cause"

I understand how u feels. but is it worth it. Yes he profit at the end, but what u gain is more than what he get in terms of monetary.. regain your freedom, find ur happiness..time is a factor..let go if u can..its hard but try..10yrs down the road when u look back..you might have more than what he has gotten..