I just broke up

[limpat1]

ya.i know its unfair to the new guy. maybe i'll have to really think what to do. im emotionally attached to this situation. i cant jump at a solution immediately. deep down i want my ex but at the same time, i dont wanna lose the new guy.

this needs lots of thinking. i care abt both guys but i know im being selfish in a way. i guess i gotta think fast before things escalate. im supposedly exclusively dating the new guy but im seeing my ex without his knowledge.

stress -_-" i hope i'll get through this soon... thx again to doll, littlewoman and everyone. thx so much

 

[powder]

patracia,

u should go back to your ex since u love him so much. he cheated once only right? anyway after he cheated u gave him a chance, so if u're willing to give him plenty of chances, i think u can be with him. If u're willing to let him eat outside and dun call it cheating, i think u'll be in a happy relationship.

if u want your ex just go for him lor... u love him so much, u cannot be wrong.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Guy B helps me to forget abt A for ahile but i still think abt A alot"

The fact that you are still seeing Guy A on the sideline, Guy B, not his fault though, isn't doing much in helping you to forget Guy A. Guy B's fault is that he isn't Guy A.

So, what is Guy B's role for you?

To me, Guy B is those rest areas along N-S highway whereby you stop your car for toilet break, for a meal or some snacks, to stretch your body, etc. But these rest areas aren't your destination.

You can go on and wish forever but Guy B will never be like Guy A, and Guy A will never be the same guy who was once faithful to you.

 

[limpat1]

i got a plan to help myself get out of this mess. im gonna just sit back and stop chasing these 2 guys. let them prove themselves to me. i wont jump into anything serious any time soon. i'll just see how it goes in the next couple of months.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi, what you want them to prove to you like who loves you more? I think it is best that you know what you want first instead of just accepting what is being offered to you.

 

[limpat1]

hi doLL

i already know what i want. since these 2 guys are closest to me, i'll see how things goes with these 2. i'll also keep an open mind and mix with other guys. no concrete relationship for now.. wanna slow things down a little.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"u need to first and foremost - recognise your own value as a person, else u'll not be picking suitors who actually suit u, but rather, guys u feel are emotionally 'safe' for u to have a future with."

This, from Powder in another thread, should work for all of us.

I am glad that you realise you don't have to start choosing between these two men.

 

[limpat1]

yes doLL. that statement from Powder says it all. thx again for helping me out here

 

[lovingyou]

Pat: It is not wrong to having such thots, but at the same time, please do not mislead both guys; handle it well.

 

[limpat1]

will heed ur advice too littlewoman. im gonna make it clear to both guys my decision and intentions. im gonna live and let live. my heartful of thx to u littlewoman

 

[lovingyou]

Pat: no problem gal, it is never easy to make a choice in the first place.. you make the choice on your own, and thus, you will still be happy with the consequences that it comes eventually.

 

[shirleypoise]

"my bf cheated on me a year ago. we argued big time after that incident. i decided to give him a chance cos i love him so much.

we were together for over 7 years. ever since we tried to patch things up we fought very often. but we still tried to work things out. after almost a year of reconciliation efforts, i decided to quit as i cant truly forgive him."

I only have 1 qn for u.. if you can't forgive him then, do you think you can forgive him now?

 

[rafflesjay]

Try "C"... might be a better choice

 

[sgbabydoll]

Patracia, do not set your ex-bf as the benchmark for the future guys that you will come across.

 

[lovingyou]

Yes, agree with Doll. Different people have their different good points and flaws; we have to see each other in individually.

 

[csd185]

Hi Pat,
As your ex has betrayed you once before...even he has changed for the better, the scar is still 'there'.
You should give it a serious thought if u could 'bury' this scar/pain forever should you choose him over your new bf. It will not do you and your spouse any good to bring up this matter years down the road.

 

[limpat1]

understood. i will keep in mind all that u have mentioned. i may have some heart to forgive my ex but i gotta give it more thought. now i'll just be on my own and keep an open mind... thx a million to everyone

 

[lovingyou]

All the best Pat..

 

[miloice]

Pat, what do you need and want in a marriage to be happy. Think carefully about this. Does your ex even have the qualities you really want in a partner? Or is it someone that you go gaga with endless admiration with? Someone that you worship more like an idol than really loving him for who he is.

This man has hurt you and yet it has not change a single bit of the perfect image you have for him. You are not really in a normal relationship with this man. You are in love rather with this image and fantasy you have about him pretty much idol worship than a true 2 way relationship. A life long partner is a companion and soul mate. Not Aaron Kwok or Andy Lau is some life-size poster you place in your bedroom and look at and fantasize daily.

Wake up gal and stop comparing your real life relationship with your idol. You will have no room for anyone else if you continue to be unable to separate between what you really want and need vs your idol worship admiration over your ex.

Sorry if this is harsh. But, you really need to wake up from it.

 

[limpat1]

thx littlewoman

hey milo . . .

im not denying that my ex did me wrong big time, but i really cant fathom how u come up with such a theory abt idol worship. yes he was a great bf and i dare say that he was better than most men out there. i have friends who would die to have him.

but milo, keyword here is WAS. i dont know if he can be same guy still. maybe he can and maybe he cannot. only time will tell. if he truly changes and becomes a better man, i'll really settle for him. but im not gonna do that now. im just gonna chill and be single for awhile. . .

thx for looking out for me though. ur advice is appreciated.

 

[miloice]

Pat, face it, how good is a guy that cheats on you? Your continued thinking of how great he is really puzzles me. He is only human but the way u seem to describe him seems superhuman. What is the super good part of him as bf that makes him stands out from the rest. I'm really curious.

What is it? the Sex, physical, sweet talking, wealth and generosity or what? To be proclaimed as such a highly sorted after guy, man, what does this man has to make u think so wonderful of him??

 

[shirleypoise]

Haha.. I read Milo's post n thought abt Mrs Andy Lau..

She HAS a real idol in her bedroom every nite, so no need to fantasize anymore.. LOL

 

[miloice]

Mrs Andy Lau had a tough private life having to stay so secretive and fearing of threats from gangsters that Andy Lau offended for declining to film underground funded movies.

 

[lovingyou]

Milo: at times it is just different when it comes to matters of the heart. Not all can be explained via logic or reasons..

 

[sgbabydoll]

"She HAS a real idol in her bedroom every nite"

Andy Lau doesn't have time for her every night hehe. That's having an idol for a spouse, you gotta "share" him with many others.

 

[limpat1]

Milo, it seems that u still dont get it. he WAS great but not superhuman. just because i say he WAS better than most guys does not make him superman. take it easy alright. dont need to jump at everything i say.

he cheated on me and that made him awful. so no superhuman, no idol. ok?

thing is, i may give him a chance and i may not. is that wrong, really?

only when u've been with a great guy then u will know what im talking abt. maybe u haven't had any luck just yet. so be patient and your time will come.

 

[miloice]

Pat, I really mean to ask you this question. Not intended to be rude or anything. Its really weird that he has in your heart such an perfect place. I'm not jumping. Really.

I'm really finding it very strange.

My wife might be really a very wonderful mate for me. But I have never seen her or anyone in such perfect status. She is great for me but I will never say anyone so great for most guys. I acknowledge that many women are probably greater than her, likewise. This applies to everyone including myself. The idea that this guy is deemed so wonderful and great really truly puzzles me. Especially if you are unable to even tell me more on what it is. It makes be even more puzzled and curious.

"just because i say he WAS better than most guys does not make him superman"... actually, it Really does! If someone is going to say that about me (in my dreams only maybe)... WOW!!!! That's really flattery and at the same time really pressurizing. I would think no one is perfect for anyone. We can be suited for our partners but it doesn't make any of us generically better that most others.

 

[findingnemo]

Pat - since you love A so much and A is wooing you again, then why not give him one more chance and patch back? Why must test it out with B? Very complicated leh...

 

[limpat1]

Milo. . .

i never said he was the best guy in the world. just because ur wife doesnt regard u as some1 of high stature, that doesn't mean u are bad or lousy. spare this thought: is it possible for someone to have more good qualities than another?

the answer to that is yes but conversely, is it possible for someone to be perfect? definitely no. i never said my ex was perfect but he was great, one with a lot of good qualities. just to make it clear, my ex was not perfect.

since u can except that some men/women are better than others... in this case it applies i guess. . . another thing u gotta consider that i find him great, in my perspective ya. remember that others have varying opinions and views that would surely challenge my thoughts.

so dont be so puzzled ok. . . its just another guy that will never cross paths with u

 

[miloice]

"I never said he was the best guy in the world",
Did I say u did?

I said : "He is only human but the way u seem to describe him seems superhuman. What is the super good part of him as bf that makes him stands out from the rest. I'm really curious." The meaning is quite different. Which is why I'm pointing you that you seem to idolize your ex. It doesn't make him superhuman. And Andy Lau is just another human and spouse to his wife too. Its a suggestion from your description of how mysteriously wonderful he is. Mysterious because you just not telling why u think so.

This is my question. Could you elaborate more on what are these lot of good qualities that makes you believe so strongly that he is so great and better than most men.

Of cos, someone can have more good qualities. "another thing u gotta consider that i find him great, in my perspective ya. remember that others have varying opinions and views that would surely challenge my thoughts." That is why if you could be kind enough to elaborate what is so great about this guy that you find so rare.

 

[vios]

pat,

it may be often that one finds a need to seek and compare to 'feel better' in the process of engaging the current situation...
look at it, like the parents who compare schools, grades and such - do they really know what their kids ultimately want? or is it based on their own need to excel in this manner amongst their peers?

so, u gotta be really certain that what u're feeling towards your ex is just a cover-up or not - all those strong feelings and his good qualities - are probably like a retreat to the familiar zone whereby u know that u feel safely assured once u are mentally there...
it can also served as a shield from something that u do not want to face at this point of time.

 

[limpat1]

ok Milo. . . since u want it so bad, i'll give u some info abt this guy. at least, this was what he was like b4 he took the turn and cheated.

he treats me like a lady, makes me feel like a queen. basically, a gentleman.

he sacrifices a lot for me. his family, his friends, his whole social life would come second to me.

he declares his love not with money but with sweet little hand-crafted things. he's not rich but he still tries to spoil me whenever he can.

he gets along so well with my family and friends.

just to name a few Milo... there's more, im sure. gotta think. hopefully this is enough for u...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Patracia, since he's so good to you, why did he cheat? What has made him stop short at being faithful, after all, this is a given in any exclusive relationship.

 

[miloice]

Pat, thanks. It definitely clarifies.

In other words, it is the memories you had with him that you are holding on and subconsciously comparing other men with him.

There is totally no intent to suan or anything. But, I'm feeling its a bit frog in the well. Maybe you could widen your social scope or you just haven't met the right guys. I am not trying to discredit what you said. In fact, its very true that these stuffs are important. Who doesn't want to be pampered and to feel this special. But, I really surprised that you believed that it made him better than most other men.

I'm not trying to blow trumpet here. I'm really serious and sincere in every relationship. I pamper my own wife very much too and I know there are many million others out there too. Don't give up the entire forest for this one gentleman here. I don't think you should give up your need to find a man that pampers you at all. Everyone deserves to have someone cherish and pamper them.

But, really. Its a huge forest out there. Its raining men. If your bf isn't what you need or what. No need to compare with your ex. But define what you really need and want. Don't waste your limited time and youth your current bf. I wish you happiness and finding that right one. Cheers.

 

[miloice]

Doll, cos human do make mistakes.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, it is not just a mistake but a grave mistake with serious consequences.

I hope it is not just what he's done for Patracia that makes her think he's near irreplaceable.

 

[powder]

well patracia,

in the army, the slightly pretty women can rule the camp... and if u're in camp 24/7, u also treat them slightly like queens...

when u leave camp and join the real world, u realise how small a world u were living. and your standards in physical attributes shoots up.

 

[limpat1]

he cheated cos he was tempted beyond control.. at least thats what he said. it doesn't really matter anymore cos he did it and now we're done.

im not giving up on other guys out there and i dont expect them to be perfect or even close to perfection. all i want now is happiness.

Powder,
i dont really get your point. u saying that u can treat me like queen?

 

[miloice]

Doll, i agree with you. Its a grave mistake. But, we don't only make small mistakes. Big or small, we do stumble and fall. I still remember when my first big temptation came in between my relationship with my wife, I was even running through my mind the plan how to cheat and stay undetected. I don't have the luck to have many pretty women taking initiatives and advances on me. Its always me doing the wooing. So, the first time was really WOW. Thank goodness my sense overcame my urges.

All these qualities mentioned should not be the only reason to choose a mate. Clear bigger considerations such as compatibility in communication, goals, morals, needs etc matters too. Nevertheless, nothing wrong for Pat to have a strong need for this. Depends alot if a person is a natural giver or taker. We get satisfaction in addressing our instinctive needs. I am one giver in relationship. I enjoy giving. The taking part is something I needed to learn to maintain the needed balance in relationships.

Pat, most guys will treat gals they are wooing like queens. It comes more with experience as the guy would understand better on what their women wants. The players are the experts in this the field of making women feel like queen. What's more important is the person's commitment, integrity and personality.

Cast your net further. There are many more good men.

 

[miss_m]

Hi, newbie here... i needed a channel to let out my emotions and fears.. appreciate some advise here..

My husband and I had several discussions and most likely we will be signing a deed of separation (3yrs) and eventually file for divorce after that.

He cheated twice on me, once before marriage, and once after. We are both 28 this yr...

We first met in Jun 2005 and started dating on Xmas 2005..

His parents whom were staying at a landed property sold their place in Jun 2007 (and have to vacate the place by Nov 2007) as they had some debts to clear, they have plans to purchase a flat for themselves and help to contribute half of the flat that my husband and i was getting.

We purchased a resale flat in the open market in Nov 2007, with the help of his parents in paying half of the flat in cash and the we took the HDB loan for the balance and paying in monthly thru both our CPF.. His parents were still looking for a HDB then, they shifted in to our new flat with my spouse while trying to search for their flat. And I remained staying at my parents' flat as we agreed that I should only moved in after our Chinese customary which we planned to do so end of 2009..

When we received the key to our flat in the same month Nov 2007, I discovered that he is having an infidelity with someone he met at a club.. He begged for my foriveness and I forgave him becos i truly loved him and decided to go ahead with our marriage..

We ROM in Jun 2008, things were going well for the first few months until Sep 2008 when the financial crisis hit.. he is in the banking industry and he claimed that he needs to engaged himself more at work so get more biz generated. I believed him 100%.

Only until May this year, I found out that he is seeing a colleague, he claimed that he will break off with her but he continued to keep the relationship with her and he make no attempts to save our marriage and kept lying about his whereabouts..

All this while I'm staying at my parents' place..

What hurts me the most is he brought her to expensive hotels overnight.. he even brought her to hotel on my birthday instead of spending my bday with me.. i even went to the hotel, he met up with me and i left the hotel alone..

I was devastated..

Everyone around me, our common friends kept telling me that I should sue him for adultery, but honestly i can't bear to do it becos i still love him.. on the other hand, I feel injustice for myself.. Everyone around me and even my husband himself said that i was a good and understanding wife and I did nothing wrong.. then why am I shouldering all the pain and eventually end up as a divorcee for a fault that was not committed by me?

i still love him very much.. but I know I can't accept him back as my husband anymore becos I can never put trust back in him ever again..

I've been dealing with so much emotional stress for the past 5 months since May.. everytime i thought of him and her i will cry endlessly.. i am 28 this yr, with no savings, with a entry level job, with a private diploma cert.. I m really scared and i feel so insecure... i feel like its the end of the whorld for me.. i feel like ending my life several times..

Besides dealing with the emotional stress, i have to sort out the legal matters with him. I dun wanna fight with him.. it hurts to fight with him when i still love him... i just want to get my fair share... but he is a smart guy and is really good with words on me.. and to him, i'm worthless... Its tough to talk to him.. i dunno when he is saying the truth or when he is lying..

I wanted to go for marriage annulment since our marriage is only over a yr, but he refused... I had no choice but to agree to go for the deed of separation..

 

[miss_m]

..

 

[lovingyou]

Michelle: What is his reasons for insisting on DOS and divorce? You have good grounds to arguing on annulment since both of you aren't living together as a married couple.. Moreover, what is the contributions towards your current HDB flat? Is your name included as a joint applicant?

 

[miss_m]

Little woman: if we go for annulment it would file under non consummated marriage, however we did consummate the marriage. He said he didn't wish to risk of getting charged in court if the judge do not believe us.

The flat is under his and my name. His CPF contribution is 55% and mine 45%. And upon divorce the amount contributed by his parents will be returned fully back to them..

 

[lovingyou]

Titanic: how would the judge find out? And why wld u need to attend court if it is an uncontested annulment?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, yes, of course, we make mistakes. I never said we wouldn't or shouldn't. But certain mistakes once made, even if we can forgive or be forgiven, will lead to a totally different consequence. Infidelity is one. Most relationships do not survive cheating.

 

[miloice]

ya, for sure the consequences are great.

This was answer to your question on why Pat's bf cheated. Because he is human, falling to his weakness is totally human.

 

[sgbabydoll]

I was asking for a reason behind that mistake, not for the obvious fact that people do make mistakes. If it's because he couldn't hold back from temptation, that is quite alarming. It means there is a serious flaw in his character. If it's due to some problems with the relationship, then it can be another totally different story.

 

[miloice]

doll, everyone could fall to temptation. Its not necessary because of character flaw. But if someone falls easily to temptation and repeatedly, then its a different story.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, cheating is not just cheating only. When a person cheats, he/she sleeps with the other lady/guy repeatedly, lies and does a whole lot of other things. Flaw or not, or whatever name we give it is not important.

 

[miloice]

hi doll,

it need not be repeatedly. Even once, its cheating. It could be ONS or with a colleague. Its still cheating.