I just broke up

[limpat1]

my bf cheated on me a year ago. we argued big time after that incident. i decided to give him a chance cos i love him so much.

we were together for over 7 years. ever since we tried to patch things up we fought very often. but we still tried to work things out. after almost a year of reconciliation efforts, i decided to quit as i cant truly forgive him.

now i've got a new bf. he's nice but never as nice as my ex was. my ex still calls and declares his love for me but the new guy is so afraid to commit to me, he calls it exclusive dating. i dont really know what to do now. . . i have feelngs for both guys

 

[texasholdem]

don't use 1 leg step onto 2 boat...

 

[jonah_jo]

Give that jerk 2 bucks, ask him get himself a kite and go fly kite!

 

[jonah_jo]

Maybe you should give yourself sometime to cool down before you decide if you wanna continue with your current bf. Perhaps you want to cosider being honest with him. If he loves you, he won't pressure you and would give you time to think over before you come to a decision.

As for your ex, perhaps he comes back bcos he's being dumped? Perhaps he's trying to get sthg from you which he couldn't from the other gal like she couldn't satisfy him?

Forget him la... You want to let him break your heart a second time?

 

[smileguy]

A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it..No doubt some work out well after patching up but it still need 2 hands to clap..

sometime ppl tend to hold on to a r/s because they think they might not be able to find another one as good as their ex..

 

[infojunkie]

"perhaps he comes back bcos he's being dumped? Perhaps he's trying to get sthg from you which he couldn't from the other gal like she couldn't satisfy him?"

why not give that chap the benefit of the doubt?

guess the other gal is pretty much history already... just that TS finds it hard to forgive him

 

[farrakllivecouk]

hey pat,

i think u should realise that ppl can change and develop a better character. ur ex probably still loves u very dearly thats why he's still around. it cant be bcos he cant get another girl...he already did that before. so aft his stupid mistake i feel that he is looking to reform.

abt the new bf, dont rush him. usually things will start slow. u have to decide which guy u wanna side. not a good idea to 'put 1 foot on 2 boats' like ark says...make up ur mind b4 its too late

 

[lovingyou]

Pat: exclusive r/s = open r/s, does it refers to a r/s with no strings attached? Is it healthy? As for your ex, only one's actions can prove if he is sincere on reconcilation. Give yourself and the 2 guys a break, cool off for a while and see how things goes from there, it might be better for you to jus remain friends with them during this "cooling off" period.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"the new guy is so afraid to commit to me, he calls it exclusive dating."

Is status so important? If you are in a stage of exclusive dating, is there a hurry to call it an exclusive relationship?

 

[miloice]

i don't think its about the status. But the uncertainty. i.e. this guys has reservations in the relationship. No gal will like that normally. They all like their man to be head over heels for them. no?

 

[simpleman]

I don't think it is about status as well.

In the first place, TS is uncertain of her own feelings. She has feelings for both. She can't even decide and she is expecting the new guy to show more commitment?

Isn't it an irony?

At this point, the best for her is to just "date" and enjoy the process and then make a decision on who she wants to be after she is sure of her feelings.

 

[lovingyou]

I think TS wun be sure of feelings if she continues to date both.. it will be harder if she has to make a choice between the 2 guys one day..

 

[ariebeth]

Agree with the rest. TS should remain single and not jump from 1 guy to another, or worst, straddle both guys at the same time

SM is right, just date around and you will understand yourself better and know what you are really looking for in a partner.

 

[sgbabydoll]

It has got some to do with status with the new guy because the lack of clear status or a desired status means things are iffy with him. That is why there is room in the heart for the ex.

 

[simpleman]

doll,

Are you implying that if the new guy confirmed her as "exclusive gf" - she will not have any doubts about her feelings?

I don't think so. She is not finish yet with her ex.. the room is always there.. she has to really want to purge them first.

 

[sgbabydoll]

I wouldn't say that she will have no doubt about her feelings in the two guys if she gets her exclusive gf status from new guy. But that has a certain weightage on her assessment of self and both relationships.

 

[simpleman]

I don't know leh.. do we really do assessment of our feelings by certain weightage and approach it so scientifically and logically>

I doubt so. I think mostly we just "weigh" the feelings. If she can't get the ex out of the picture, it will always weigh on her.. Even after she got married.

 

[mayimayi]

-

 

[mark78]

-

 

[lovingyou]

Eventually, it is a choice that TS has to make in one way or another.

 

[limpat1]

thx for all the help here ppl. i guess i'll just have to wait and see how things goes without jumping into anything so fast. my ex is all i ever want but he hurt me so bad with the cheating. the new guy is nowhere as good as my ex ever was. but im gonna give the new guy a chance. its gonna be very hard for me but this has to happen in order for me to move on

 

[sgbabydoll]

Patracia, you don't have to give anyone a chance. The only person you need to give a chance to is yourself, to be with a guy that's worthy. No need to limit yourself to ex and new guy.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"I don't know leh.. do we really do assessment of our feelings by certain weightage and approach it so scientifically and logically"

SM, talking about weightage doesn't mean the approach is scientific or logical. It's just acknowledging that if the current relationship of Patracia's is fulfilling or at the level that she is comfortable with, she won't be so easily swayed toward her ex?

 

[limpat1]

doll

is it wrong if i really love my ex so much but still wanna go with the new guy?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Patracia, most importantly, are you happy loving your ex? Are you happy with being with the new guy? And, are you happy loving the former while going out with the latter at the same time?

 

[ariebeth]

The only person you need to give a chance to is yourself, to be with a guy that's worthy. No need to limit yourself to ex and new guy.

I agree with Doll. Why do people only limit themselves between A and B? What about C - Z out there?

 

[limpat1]

(A=ex) (B=new guy)

i feel that A is all that i want but he cheated on me. hard to forgive but shld i give him another chance?

B is ok but not really what i want. i think im gonna love A for very long even if im with B.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Patracia, take away love from the equation, do you think Guy A is worthy?

Take away Guy B's OK personality, do you love him?

From your posts I feel you know both guys aren't obvious or natural choice since one has cheated on you before (this you seem to care alot; I don't blame you) and you don't love the other. Are you aware that there are still Guys C-Z that you haven't met?

 

[simpleman]

doll,

While humans are complex creatures and definitely we always want the best of both worlds and mostly not willing to give up one for another, it is not always in our best interest to do that.

As far as relationship in the context of our society, a single exclusive relationship is still the social norm. So, one way or another, if we are talking about normal people, we should preferably be attached to one person at a time.

TS is a trick situation. That is why I advised her just to date. And even if the new guy declare exclusive relationship with her - it is only one-sided. Is she ready? From your post you seemed to indicate that it will be swayed towards this new relationship but I think it won't matter much or even it really swayed towards the new guy, will it be lasting - given that she has not let go of her feelings for her ex.

So, in a way, the new guy not being exclusive is good because it gives her more time.. to date both non exclusively and see for herself what she really wants.

 

[ariebeth]

If B is not really what you want, then why consider him at all?

Your ultimate decision still lies with yourself. Can you accept A? If yes, take him back, truly forgive him, and wipe the slate clean.

If no, then there's no dilemma between A and B, cos neither of them will be in the equation.

 

[limpat1]

the thing is, A and B know abt each other. A knows im going out with B but B doesn't know that im seeing A.

B doesnt like me to see A, so i lie to him and spend time with A. B wants me to date him exclusively.

up to now i keep telling A that i love him but i dont wanna be with him cos of B.

 

[ariebeth]

I think you are just making it more complicated for yourself

B is ok but not really what i want.

Not fair to B right? You are wasting his time, not to mention all the lies involved.

 

[sgbabydoll]

SM, monogamy and one-relationship-at-a-time are social norms and I do not deviate from that. What I was trying to point out was that a new relationship should be given time to grow and take shape. If it hasn't reached the stage of exclusive boy-girl-friends stage, don't hurry into it.

From the way Patracia has put it, I had interpreted it such that she somehow wished things were firmer with new guy so that she wouldn't have to be so madly in love with ex still?

 

[simpleman]

But based on the thoughts and feelings of TS - based on what she expressed.. I don't think she is very much into "B".. a change of "status" won't change her feelings and thoughts that much..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Now that Patracia has posted more, yes, it isn't about status with new guy.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Patracia, you can date A, B, or anyone casually. As long as you haven't found the guy whom you can be in a committed relationship with, you are free to date or not date.

 

[lovingyou]

Patracia: I think you are wasting 3 parties time; A, B and yourself. You know that B is not what you wanted but you are dating him coz of? You know A is what you want but you can't accept him of the past; do you know what you want exactly?

 

[limpat1]

i think i figured it out...

doll is right abt what im feeling. i want the new guy to be firmer with me. . . or maybe as good as my ex. but thats almost impossible to achieve i suppose, cos really, besides the fact that he cheated on me, my ex is truly a great guy.

so already knowing this much, u guys think i shld just stay with the new guy and take things slowly or go back to my ex and give him another chance?

 

[vios]

nope, u have not figured it out, not even one little bit.

can forget abt the ex liao...
not so much that he had cheated on you before, but more on the fact that you can't truly forgive him no matter what, like the troubled reconciliation days right?
as i see it, that's abt the only issue that divides u and the ex.

u shld forget abt the long-term for the new guy too, unless u're in for casual dating (but pls be careful at the same time)

 

[tweetwee]

We can't think for you, Pat.

For one thing I know, if B is not up to your expectations, I don't think he would ever be. Since A cheated on you once and you cannot let it pass, isn't it better to leave?

And also, you have more options than just A or B.

Look for C now?

 

[lovingyou]

Pat: agreed with the rest, I doubt you have sorted it out. You are jus assuming that if B is firmer with you, you will not "stray" emotionally? Noone can control or restrict how you feel in the first place, it is realli up to you to deciding on what you want..

 

[limpat1]

ok ok. . . i think i will really think abt this properly. thx for all the help guys. will give updates on what happens as they happen... appreciate everything

 

[lovingyou]

All the best gal.

 

[sn0w]

The best is to give urself a break, a cooling off period to think things through carefully.

If u want to be with A again, u have to forgive him and forget the past. If not the past will be back to haunt u every now and then which will strain the r/s.

Do some self reflections: How many times did A cheat on u? Why did he cheat on u? Is there any underlying prob between u guys which lead him to cheat on u?

If u want to be with B, then do not compare B with A. Everyone is unique. u can nvr find someone exactly the same as A. Not B, not C, not D or whoever else it might be.. Are u able to accept B for who he really is? U dun have to accept him just because he appeared in ur life and wooed u. It has got to be mutual.

Take care!

 

[sgbabydoll]

"doll is right abt what im feeling. i want the new guy to be firmer with me. . . or maybe as good as my ex. but thats almost impossible to achieve i suppose, cos really, besides the fact that he cheated on me, my ex is truly a great guy"

Patracia, you are on the rebound with Guy B.

 

[limpat1]

rebound? is that a bad thing to do? Guy B helps me to forget abt A for ahile but i still think abt A alot

 

[sgbabydoll]

Do you feel bad about it?

 

[ariebeth]

rebound? is that a bad thing to do?

Seriously, WTH. You are so selfish and all you are thinking about is yourself, your feelings, YOU YOU YOU.

What about him? How would you feel if you were just being used as a substitute or a rebound. You are playing with his feelings and wasting his time. You should just let him go so that he can move on and find somebody that truly loves him.

 

[lovingyou]

It is never safe to be in a rebound r/s.. how will the guy feel if he comes to know that you are in a way making use of him to forget the previous one? But does it make a difference here since B is also suggesting for exclusive dating?

 

[simpleman]

Just tell the guy frankly your feelings.. and then see how he is responding.