I hate my mil to the core

[flyingstar]

hey chocolate, concentrate on your marriage first. try to rekindle the sparks with your wife. a marriage takes 2 persons to put in the effort. try to see if you can get away from work for a few days, go for a holiday with your wife?

it is possible to build the relationship with her mom, but requires a lot of tact/patience and tolerance. your wife should be your ally, since she wants you to improve the relationship. you can start by asking what her mom likes to eat, and buy back when you go over to the in-laws place.

if you both put on a united front in front of her mom, then it will be more difficult for her mom to be tough on you, since she will be dragging her daughter into this as well.

 

[matka]

Chocolate, the relationship between you and your wife is yours to make. It cannot be spoiled just by mere comments made by your MIL.

UNLESS -
you choose to get affected by it
Or your wife agrees with her

So which is it? So far you've said that your wife is the one who's been supportive of you. So if that's the case then has she made any attempts to defend you? Or are the 'accusations' really true?

There are ways to talk to your MIL nicely yet assertively, without blowing matters up. I'm not sure if she steps all over you because of the way you perhaps behave with her?

 

[msdomestic]

hi chocolate, how abt telling ur wife to wait for u to go back to mil's place together? tats wat i do, i do go back to my mum's place myself but most of the time, i will wait till he's free tat evening or get him to leave work abit early and have dinner with my parents.. so she wont b alone with her mum and u don seems busy and not willing to go.. my hubby work 7days a week most of the time and its like 7am to 6.30pm each time.. super long hours.. my mum will nag saying i seldom go back but i will give excuses like i have work to do or we are doing housework when i am alone at our own house cleaning.. of cos ur wife have to work together with u, sweet talk to her la.. make a plan..

i know mothers can b asking for a little too much sometimes.. but wat to do, they are the mothers.. steer clear them most of the times or jus listen and keep quiet and let the issue die down.. before i get married my mum also nag at me telling me my hubby(then bf) look sickly, not handsome, dont earn big bucks etc.. but he's my choice.. and 9yrs later we are married, she cant do anything.. as for my mil(hubby's mum), she wans to meddle with everything.. she bought all our cooking appliances for us.. gd or bad we jus take and say thank you! i mean no point telling her anything more since she believe wat she buys is the best! and the 1st time when she come over to our house.. why the rooms this color, why this why that.. jus smile.. i have my fair share of mil issues too.. but am thankful tat we stay firm and not let them move in with us.. tsk..

well conclusion, couple's ally rocks! keke at least till now its still working..

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

i did not try to explain to my mil over the expenses of the car. Something that i know that my mil will argue with me till she is the sole winner of the arguement.

I found it pointless to explain. Afterall, she wants to win. So any explainations will be fruitless.

 

[ariel84]

Talking about MIL, my future MIL is still ok. It is my future PIL that I'm more concerned with. He has a knack of making decisions for others which he deem is right (in his eyes), without caring or listening to opinions of the people themselves.

Still trying to learn how to handle him in future.

 

[ariel84]

"filter filter...since ur wife is totally supportive of u then why bother with her mom...u know your wife is on your side."

Agree!

 

[miloice]

Quit trying to explain to MIL. Your focus should be improving your marriage brother!

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi chocolate,

You should let your wife deal with her own mum.

On occasions when my hubby can't joined us for dinner, I will tell my mum he is busy working as we are looking for opportunities to expand our business. My mum will be Wow Wow, impress impress, then encourage my hubby to concentrate on his career, and don't worry about accompanying her, an old lady.

For your car issue, your wife should tell her mum that you bought and paid everything for the car but put your wife's name. She will be happy for sure.

Always say good things about your spouse.

For me, I tell my mum, my hubby pays for everything but yet everything have my name on them and on the top of it all, still gives me an allowance although I works too.

For my MIL, during outings with her, I will wiped out my credit card and pay for everything infront of hubby and MIL. MIL impress impress that I'm taking good care and pampering hubby and her.

 

[ariel84]

Chocolate, I feel that your wife also needs to speak up for you. Is she the very obedient to parents type that does not dare speak up or air her opinions to her parents? I've known people like that who just let their parents criticize their spouse unfairly, and not do or say a thing.

The car issue is simple actually. She just need to tell her mom straight that you're both paying for it, and stop commenting anymore. And each time her mom speaks bad about you, she should just counter it and stand up for you. Be firm and respectful at the same time.

 

[matka]

Hi Albee

You have a very good PR campaign with your mum and in-laws.

I am very thankful that I do not have to deal with major in-law issues. I can be very frank with my parents and they are very mindful about my husband's feelings - also for the sake of our relationship. And my husband gets more irritated at his parents than I do... and if anything he makes sure that I am never put in a difficult spot. So I have less to worry on that front.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi chocolate,

Your wife should "boast" about your achievements to her mum.

Dinner Issue :

Mum (grumpy): Where is your hubby not here for dinner?

Wife (very eager) : Have good news to tell you! Hubby is promoted, getting a better pay. Boss like him very much, giving him opportunity to prove himself so have to work late.

Mum (eyes immediately big big, impress impress) :
Wow Wow! Very good. Tell him not to worry about old lady, concentrate on his work.

Next time, you join your wife for dinner, MIL will be impressed about you.

Car Issue :

Mum (grumpy) : Why is the car in your name and your hubby uses it? Chi Ruan Fan, is it?

Wife ( innocent, big big eyes) : No, no. Mummy, you got it all wrong. Hubby paid for the car but put my name for it. In fact, he pays for everything but everything have my name. He also gives me allowance although I works too.

Mum ( Impress, nods with approval) : Good, good. We, girls must protect ourselves. Don't be like your silly aunty ends with nothing when her hubby strays.

Actually, if your wife can handle her mum well, her mum will like you very much and you will be treated like VIP in her house.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi matka,

You are very lucky to have understanding parents.

For me, I have to be very careful to handle both sides, because my hubby is MIL's favourite son and I'm my mum's favourite daughter.

 

[thommy]

honestly if your MIL is THAT unreasonable, pointless to explain to her that you paid for the car also. Just leave it be and work on improving your relationship with your wife.

as for filtering ability, maybe you ought to consult Albee?

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate it.

At first, i just wanted to vent my frustrations. Now i am forgetting this issue totally. I long wanted to get a new car, under my own name. But becos of COE and other commitments, i push it aside.

Maybe i can consider getting a new car and stop sharing the expenses with my wife or let my wife be the chauffer for every family trip.

I just don't understand why my mil behaves this way and i really have no idea and control over it so let it be. By the way, i married her daughter and not her, so just be it. Pointless to argue or please her just to make her happy.

At work, u have to please yr annoying boss. That's no choice. But if at home, i have to tolerate another annoying boss.. my life is so miserable.

 

[ariel84]

Hi Albee,

Wah, very good management skills in the IL aspects. I'm taking mental notes now, Haha.

My HTB's mom is a superwoman - the kind who cooks extremely well, does housework fantastically and has all sorts of health remedies for sick children. I am so anxious of not being able to meet up to her (and even my HTB) expectations, though these expectations could be self-inflicted.

As for my HTB's father, he is one super egoistic man who does not listen to anyone's advice or suggestions, as he thinks his is the best. And likes to impose his views on us sometimes. Hope I can manage this relationship smartly.. sigh.

 

[matka]

Chocolate, i feel that the issue is more than just the car alone... but you're not providing much info other than attributing the cause of the problem to MIL so nobody really knows what your problem is.

 

[thommy]

chocolate, I think its really a silly move if your thoughts of getting a new car is just because you want to change your MIL's perception of you.

why be so hard on yourself, pay installments every month just to do that? No need to buy something to prove your point to others.

Life's not a bed of roses but at least you are the master of your own happiness and destiny.

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

i am not sure how my wife will talk to her mum, since the courtship days, her mum already so against it and nag at her every now and then. Now married for so many years.. the nagging is still on..

I really wonder what my mil wants? I work doubly hard to get myself promoted, get better pay, working hard to achieve the standard she wants. But she is not happy with wat i am trying to achieve.

 

[matka]

How has it put a strain on your marriage...?

I don't understand why you're living your life for your MIL when it should really be for the family. So what if she thinks that way? If your wife is okay with it, it really doesn't matter right?

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

@matka: i dont really know what is the issue that caused my mil to dislike me at the beginning.

Watever i do, she is not happy. For my wedding, she wants everything that will keep her head high up. I spend almost all my savings on my wedding dinner, other expenses. At one time, i nearly have no $$ to makan.. haha, kind of think of it..i really overspent at her own expenses.

i had my dinner at a popular hotel, renovate my old hse, bought a new car and a new flat that is still building at the same year.. spent nearly 60K at one shot..

It is no surprise tat i have to work my butt off rapidly fast to earn back the $$ i spent. I just want someone who can understand n make my life easier.. is it so difficult?

 

[matka]

Chocolate, from the way you put it... it sounds like you've not married your wife, but your MIL!

And where does your wife come in all of these?

MIL's opinion of you is inconsequential. What about your wife?

 

[susanna_low]

What I've learnt fr my mum, her aunties' clan, relatives, elderly at work is not to take their grumbles, naggings and negative comments seriously and most impt, into heart.

Just show respect, smile smile and avoid gossips with them. If possible, ignore their never ending requests!

Try to divert topic if the topic get too heated.

Take it seriously and only u urself will suffer not them.

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

it doesn't matter at first, now i am finding it very annoying. she show me the damn black face everytime i am in my mil place. Nag at the slightest mistake u might make. E.g: Take rice, never take alot, make her have alot of leftover rice and food. Damn, stupid excuse to make a fool of u. Some lame excuse to pick on you type.

Going to my in laws place have became a nuisance, i hardly have time on sundays to do my favourite stuffs. Like going to the beaches with my wife or watch a movie together.

 

[simpleman]

chocolate,

Seriously.. what is the problem with you?

MIL tekan you? Why you care so much? Can't you just turn a deaf ear?

Whatever she said.. Just say ya lah ya lah..

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

ya.. i am taking her words like foul gas.. or even better, a old ah auntie with menopause..

 

[simpleman]

Even rice how much you also want to complain. Just simply ignore what she is saying.. or if she is not happy, just pack the rice and throw on the way home. Why get so frustrated over it?

 

[simpleman]

Why blame it on MIL if you can't spend time on the beach or movie? You can always make it happen.

Seriously, venting yes.. but I think you are going over-board.. petty rantings really.. not even worth to mention.

 

[miloice]

sm.... just as u were mentioning about your dislike with whinners not too long ago.

 

[miloice]

Seriously Lai, u behave like some auntie leh. Black face, let her black face loh. If like that also DL, for sure hard to not be upset for even a day.

 

[simpleman]

Just whine a little here and there.. vent ok lah..

But not repeatedly for trivial things.. .. a bit tiresome.

 

[matka]

Could this be a reason why MIL is prejudiced against him? Hmmm

 

[susanna_low]

This is really common in fact most elderly that i mixed with behave like that. Can you imagine that I spent hours with them hearing them repeat, repeat and repeat the same topics? Mingle with elderly require alot of tolerance, patience and positive attitude.
My weekend are spend with my elderly relatives, hb's grandma, parents and their frds. Sometimes i went on day trip with them, elders like PIL, parents and their frds, the whole clan so probably get v used to it already...

 

[simpleman]

matka,

Yes. I begin to believe he is a contributing factor..

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

ok.. i am a contributing factor too. it takes 2 hands to make a clap. I am just describing how annoying my mil is. Maybe from my comments, u can judge a person who only vent after 12 years of endurance.

Anyway, put tat aside. It takes a idiot to understand another idiot. If u are just not happy over my comments in my own thread, u can jolly well leave.

Pls.. constructive comments. Why wack on my trivial comments when u have better things to do?

 

[simpleman]

Yo.. This is a venting thread..

You can vent, so can we...

Not that not happy with your rants.. just feel it is getting a little over-the-top..

If you can't handle the forum.. for sure you will have problem handling you MIL...

Whatever you are typing here is reflective of your behaviour in general.

And lastly, although this is your thread.. you can't ask other people to leave. We have freedom of choice - in case you do not notice.

 

[simpleman]

By the way. You said constructive.. What so constructive about venting?

 

[kenturik]

chcolate, I think what they have said maybe harsh but they make sense. Why rant? Why complain only after 12years? And why after 12 years your MIL still complain about you?

Really who is the dumb ass here. You? Your wife or your MIL? Your problem is not with your MIL alone, yourself and your wife plays a part in it too. So quit blaming all you could on your MIL.

On hindsight, if you are not happy with the comment here, you can also jolly well not post. This is a public forum.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi chocolate,

Seems you have done your best but it is not enough for MIL.
Could it because you are not her ideal son-in law?

I have a friend who is a doctor and his family expects him to marry a doctor too. No girl is good enough for him unless she is a doctor too.
Weird thinking, isn't it?
But some old folks think this way. Maybe that's way we see a lot of doctors in the doctor's family

For such instance, you already try your best. Just smile and let be. No need to prove anything to her.

 

[miloice]

There are more than effort advises given here for you. Its a matter of how positive you choose to take them. Go figure.

 

[hotchocolatemilk]

thanks for all comments or rants from positive and negative members here. Greatly appreciated advises. Tks & signing off.

 

[simpleman]

bro, relax a little.. don't be so uptight.. it will do you a lot of good

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi sm,

You have a good relationship with your ex-wife.
With all the happy times with your ex-wife and children, is there a tiny part in your heart that will make you fall in love with your ex-wife again.

Anyway, why is there a divorce in the 1st place?

 

[simpleman]

albee,

With all the happy times with your ex-wife and children, is there a tiny part in your heart that will make you fall in love with your ex-wife again.

I don't deal with issues that has no outcome or meaning.. Of course it is not even a trivial thing to being with.. And it does not even bother me. I don't think about it. And yet, I see people so uptight over trivial things like MIL complaning about not getting enough rice.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Chocolate, the rest have made a few gd points. The issue honestly is not ur MIL but ur wife. If u are busy with work n dun feel comfortable spending much time with ur MIL, then so be it. Dun have to force. Ur wife should appreciate the time n effort u are devoting to ur work n be proud of ur promotion. She of all people, should know tat u are working hard for her.

It doesnt matter wat ur MIL think about u. Ur MIL doesnt stay with u n will not be around 10 or 20yrs down the road. Its ur wife who truly matters. Let ur wife clarify things with her mum. Dun bother about it. Maybe u should visit ur MIL only on her bd n cny. Ignore wat she says. No point making urself unhapi. Spend more time with ur wife cos she's the one u love. Dun have to prove anything to anyone. Have more self-confidence and stand tall. =>

 

[rofthelper]

Albee (mum_of_2_girls), seriously do you think it will work? Why try to "suck her MIL up" if TS dislike her MIL? I don't think it is even worth trying.


===============================================
Hi chocolate,

7k a mth is not too bad, should be quite comfortable.

How much allowance do you give your MIL?
How much time do you spend with MIL?

1. Increase her allowance, more than what other MILs are getting.

2. Buy her favourite jewellery and food. Bring her out shopping and eating. Cook and clean her house. Chit-chat with her, watch TV drama serials with her. Bring her to her medical appts.

3. Join your MIL's friends for maijong sessions.
Serve all her friends with desserts, fruits and drinks.

 

[powder]

Albee, how abt something more radical?

Mum (grumpy): Why is your hubby not here for dinner?

Wife (very eager) : He went to his other MIL's place. he suffer u 8yrs liao, so last month he took another wife so as to have a better MIL. that MIL like him very much, cook all his fav food and doesn't complain.

Mum (eyes immediately big big) : ...

 

[powder]

anyway Chocolate,

sorry for the late post. the most impt factor in this would be u and youself. how u hold your composure and stay cool... the golden rule is to smile and dun speak too much or too eager... must be more Man, more 稳é‡.

when u open your mouth to say anything to MIL, make sure it has Impact, is to the point, and leaves them wondering how great u are.

MIL: Wah i strike 4D 3k! (and everyone goes excited....)
You: oh, 3k just nice cover my wed 4D bets.

MIL: Why my daughter paying for the car and u drive?
You: If she can pay for the house and i stay, then i will pay for the car and she drive.

MIL: my neighbour's son is a lawyer, make alot of money.
You: my father's son is not a lawyer, dun make alot of money, but he dare to marry your daughter and make u his MIL.




actually dude. just saying only... my whole idea is for u to have some courage to be curt when u need to. some pple - u have to put in their place... else they will makan n makan u. if u wanna be the strong silent type, then just tahan all the way... dun worry lah, spore alot of this type of pple... they have no achievements, spend their time associating themselves with other pple's achievements to elevate themselves.

 

[ariel84]

"MIL: my neighbour's son is a lawyer, make alot of money.
You: my father's son is not a lawyer, dun make alot of money, but he dare to marry your daughter and make u his MIL. "

LOL this is a good one!

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Haha, I agree that's a good one. Thumbs up for powder. =>

 

[thommy]

wahahhahahaaha....powder, you really make my day!