I betrayed ... my bf

B

betrayer

Guest
i betrayed my hubby ...

i got to know another guy about a year . there was actually nothing going wrong between me and hubby .. but this guy (who also has a gf) was on very very good talking terms with me ...

we went out together very often .. and slowly.. i found myself falling in love with him ... i tot i was just lonely (because bf is not in town often ) but what was more surprising is that this guy also expressed his feelings for me ... we got real close together ...

However, everytime when my bf is back in town, i will spend time and cherish my hubby very very much ... and i will cry everytime he leaves again ...

very torn .. i know its not possible for me with that guy .. however, i cant seems to be able to leave him .. even after trying so many many times..
please advise ..

i really hate myself ... i feel like such a person like me shouldnt exist at all !!! i feel so guilty everytime i look my bf in the eyes. ...

please help
 


grey

New Member
betrayer,
you're betraying your hubby or your bf? i'm so confused...if you think you're betraying your hubby, then i think you're not alone here. if you go to the link "affairs after married" , you'll find many like you..

but i'm one which is strongly against affair after married.. anyway, check out the thread yah..
 
B

betrayer

Guest
Hi Grey

We are actually engaged. I guess should still be bf ba...
 

powder

Active Member
hmm... comsidering tat yours is sort of a half-Long dist relationship with periods of absence, and the fact tat u cry whenever he leaves...

i'd think tat u're more in need of an emotional love interest to be consitently close to u physically. dun think it's purely a 'love' need, but an 'emotional' need which satisfies your need for a Good company. let's face it, we all enjoy some form of attraction with the opposite gender... it's rare to go out on very platonic basis once u hit a certain age and the guys u meet, u either entertain them or u dun.

it's possible to be in love with both guys for their respective qualities, but we can only have one... we can only choose to marry one and live our lives with one. which one?

dun hate yourself... we're human with needs. But once u learn this, learn to control yourself and know your weaknesses. only u can tackle this once u can see yourself better in the mirror... we may not be beautiful all the time, but we can know where our ugly parts are and hide them...

i'm not encouraging u or anything... but i think u know yourself tat it's really tough when it comes to such matters... know tat u're not right to have both, but dun kick yourself too hard cos it's part of our human frailty...
 

cecilialim

Active Member
betrayer... since you said impossible between you and the othe rguy then no point holding on to him... and you love your bf so much you wouldn't want to hurt him right?
 
B

betrayer

Guest
Hi Powder,

Thank you so much for spending time to talk.. i really appreciate it..

Deep in my heart, i know that my bf is the one whom i have always wanted to get married with, he is the one whom i always love and placed in front of others..

you are right, i have no problems with my bf for the past 4 years.. its only recently his new job which requires him to travel so so often that i began to feel so lonely ...

i wish that i can control myself .. but i am really trying very very hard to climb out of this messy relationship, and return to the simple day to day life, where there is only my bf in my mind ... i hope to be a dutiful wife to him.. can i be forgiven for this moment of folly? i have been trying to seek forgiveness from myself.. but the more i think of it, the more i feel that i cant forgive myself..

i feel like telling my bf ... but i know this would mean very serious serious problem ...
but yet, i feel it so difficult to live with him when i have such a deep secret in my heart..

please advise...
 

smurfying

New Member
I'll go for emotional support than physical attributes. I believe u love ur fiance else u oso wun cry everytime he depart. As for the other guy, he could b jus filling up the gaps, ie physically ard w u while ur fiance is absent.

Ask urself, do u need someone who is constantly ard u physcially, or someone u feel sad for whenever he's not ard...can rely on him for emotional support?!!

Take it ez.
 

smurfying

New Member
since u've chosen ur bf, then make sure u stop seeing that guy or at least get close to him again. If u feel tat u can't carry the guilt with u, perhaps u may want to let him know. Else, i think it may not b a bad idea to keep it from him... Tell urself u will not make the same mistake n break his heart. Guess tat's the best forgiveness u could give urself.
 
B

betrayer

Guest
Hi Tansy ...

my bf is too far and too busy to be constantly giving me emotional support.. i hardly talk to him for more than 5 mins a day .. i cant find anyone to tell about my work problems or other problems i am facing.. yes.. i always feel so sad and my heart hurts so much when he departs .. i just need him to be physically ard to feel that i am loved ...

the one i need ultimately would of coz be my bf .. but i really regret very much to get involve with another guy ... right now, i want to climb out of this relationship.. i dun meet this guy so often anymore ... but its my heart that is feeling so tormented..

i am really vexed.. no one to tell to.. because i am always seen as a "good girl" in so many pple's eyes .. i think they wouldnt even believe this is me ...
 

grey

New Member
betrayer,

from the beginning, you should not have share your problems with the opposite sex..you dun have any girlfriends?? haiz...anyway, nevermind, now you found the forum! so whenever you're lonely you can always come here and share your tots..if you really love your fiance, you really should entangle yourself from the mess.. what is done is done.. no point looking back.

may be this experince will be a learning lesson for you in the future..
 

smurfying

New Member
wait wait, u saying in the other similar thread tat tis guy has got a gf as well?? It's kinda messy now leh... no one can tell u wat to do. Is physical aspects tat impt? My FH works overseas actually, so we only get to see each other every 2 mths kind leh. We dun chat on phone, only at nite on msn...still i feel very much in love geez...

u're saying u dun wan to meet tis guy so often anymore, meaning u still ok to meet him ar? jus tat dun b too often...hey, i seriously think u better think carefully who u wan. If u've decided ur fiance is the ultimate one, dun even think abt going out w tat the other guy again, unless u're certain it's a pure FREN outing.

On the contrary, if u feel a relationship is only complete when u get to see tat person, or having him physcially ard u to feel loved, then review if u really wan to conc the r/s w ur fiance. Hav u talk abt ur problem of needing him ard with him? If he treasure u real lot, he could probably change a job tat requires less travelling or no travelling. Else, learn to b independent...there're many more things to do while ur the other half is not ard.
 

powder

Active Member
hi Betrayer,

as a guy with heavy work commitments, i can tell u tat sometimes, it's just as difficult to put time in work, travel, drink, knowing well tat somehow, u're not spending enough time with your gfren/wife.

during such times, it's very easy tat other guys with more time can come in and sweep our partners off their feet. afterall, who's the one working hard for the future? u get wat i mean?

personally if i reversed the roles and my wife works longer than me, the chances of me filling up my freetime with girls will be high, simply cos the natural attraction between men and women would make the time spent more 'interesting'. there's always a lure there for sure... discretion is very much on us to be disciplined in knowing the dangers behind such outings, especially if we dun have a very strong willpower.

it's not so much tat to do with "how much i love my bfren/gfren", it's more to do with "am i able to take control of the situation knowing myself?"

i can feel the difficulty of the situation u're in, and how torn u... especially with your self-reproach. i would think it would be better to leave either one and stick to one. whether or not u're gonna say something, u prob have to weigh out the consequences based on individual characters.. and if u'd die of guilt, then tell him, but in a more subtle way... tell him tat u've been having suitors and it's hard to turn them away for outings, and yet return home alone and lonely. tell him tat u did go out, tell him tat u do feel tat it's tough to be 'faithful' yet lonely at the same time...

to some, it may sound lame. but when words are said, it really depends on who's the person saying those words, and who's the one listening...

i know u feel shitty... u shuld, but only for awhile... we must always learn to forgive ourselves too, although we shuld not be overly forgiving to ourselves and lose our morals totally.

u dun sound like someone who intentionally and wilfully went looking for a replacement... so dun be too hard with yourself...
 
B

betrayer

Guest
Hi tansy...

if i cld, i would totally wish to cut off contacts with him .. but i feel that i want to be honest with all of you .. right now at this pt of time, it is rather impossible, although i can already feel that my love for him has decreased quite a whole bit .. but i will try to cut off contacts from him .. really try very hard to...

hi powder..

thank u for being so understanding .. really surprised tat i can have so many pple talking to me about this problem i am facing and yet calm and helpful ... thank you to all!!!

as for the decision, i am v v sure that its going to be my bf i am sticking to. i just need some time to tear myself away from this guy, get everthing back into the right tracks.. and prepare for my wedding .. and as for telling him .. i am really not sure if i shld.. i am afriad that i will actually hurt him even more.. guess its better to let it stay in my heart.. i will try to talk to him... hopefully, he can settle down in a job that dun require him to travel so often..

i know i should hit myself for being this.. i guess it will be a long long time then i will be able to completely forgive myself..
but i am sure by then, i would have cut off all ties with that guy..
 

powder

Active Member
ya, take time to tear yourself away... i guess u already know wat's the 'right thing to do'... just tat the it's tougher than just putting a stop... i've had many lady frens in your situation. they're all very nice ladies, so it's not exclusively a 'bad person do' thingie...
 
B

betrayer

Guest
thanks for saying that powder.. u make me feel better.. and yes .. i will start to move away from that guy .. when i succeed ... i be sure to remember that u guys helped me this once..
 

smurfying

New Member
Suggestion: try go out with ur galfrens or buddies to overcome ur loneliness when he's away. Remember, if u wanna feel better, treat him better heh??
 
A

avoid

Guest
My fiance is workin overseas as well and i get to see him 2 days in every other month.. i do have guy frens taking this opportunity asking me out.. but i juz avoid...i used to be in the same situation as u when i was with my exbf until he found out..we had a big "hooha" over it.. in the end, we still break up. Its juz a matter whether how much u want to think for ur partner.. remember, don do things u wun want ur bf to do to you.. no one likes the feeling of feeling betrayed..
 
B

betrayer

Guest
hi people...

i failed again.. i tried to break up with him yesterday... thru SMS. i told him that i do not want all this nonsense anymore. and i told him that he didnt have time for me at all because most of the time he needs to be with his "very sticky" gf. therefore, i told him that i feel neglected and very miserable. but he said he doesnt want to give up. he said that he will try his means and ways to give me the time and attention i want. he said that we have came such a long way... he doesnt want to give up.. after reading all his SMS, i am once again soft hearted.. but not totally.. but still... its still not a clean break...

what do i have to do? i really feel so miserable now... its like "better off dead" feeling lurking inside my heart... i feel so sick...
 
B

betrayer

Guest
Hi Avoid,

thanks for writing. however, i guess i am not as firm as you. and also, other guy frens did asked me out, and i always managed to say no. its only this person, i think there is real feelings involved when there shouldnt have been the case.
i think this time i am deadmeat.
i really feel very miserable.
no matter what i do, i still feel very depressed.
 
T

try harder

Guest
It is either resolve your feelings, or face the consequences. If you don't learn tackle this problem, this situation will arise in future even you are married. Make a decision and stick to it and never regret.
 
L

let go

Guest
"he said that he will try his means and ways to give me the time and attention i want. he said that we have came such a long way... he doesnt want to give up.."

======

he can never give u the attention u want coz u'll always get the "leftovers".

u've come "such a long way" it is time to end it rather than have it go an even longer way.

u're precious and valuable, don't settle for the scraps people only throw to dogs.
 
B

betrayer

Guest
try harder..

I will really try harder..

let go..

Thank u.. u hav given me an additional reason to break off with him.
grateful.
 
P

peaceful dove

Guest
let go,

I really like the way you put it...Short and Sharp..."Yi4 Zhen1 Jian4 Xue3"

Ya..we are human being.....dont need leftovers or scraps meant for dogs...
 
L

let go

Guest
peaceful dove,

yeh... i think at times we need to be reminded of our own worth and value, myself included. =)
 
2

2timegal

Guest
OMG, i'm going through a similar situation..it's so similar that it's scary! My fiance works overseas..we've been together for 4 years.. we have verbal agreement to get married.. but he's always very busy at work and due to that and the time difference, we hardly talk. I got involved with another guy. He knows I have a bf but he is single. Sometimes I feel so guilty over what I've done, but I just cant seem to break free from it. Can a person be in love with two persons at the same time? Coz that's what I feel I'm going through now. The guy often said to me that he knows this will end when my bf is back though he hopes it wouldn't. Recently he told me that he really wish I would be his wife. I donno what to do.. I know I'm going to hurt someone at the end of it. But I truly love both of them and not using the guy to fill the loneliness.
 

michy_wong

New Member
love both guys? is it love or lust? r u sure u're not selfish by using the guy to fill up the gaps ur fiance left behind?
 

michy_wong

New Member
i noe u care for both guys. do u feel for the guy cos he has showered u wif love and concern dat ur fiance was not able to give you?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
very often we always say we love both. The line between love and selfish possession is really thin and grey.

The question is do we think of the interest of those we claim we love or of our personal interest?
 
S

straight forward

Guest
betrayer....

your breakoff by SMS is useless....

Ur sms dun want a clear break off, you are just trying to get more attention.

I suggest u tell ur bf (the real one) abt it. Let him decide what to do. If he wanted to stay with you and show you more care and concern, he will let u decide.

Until then you will try all your BEST to have a Clear breakoff with the other guy (who also have a gf).

If he felt betrayed...that is expected cos is YOU that is trying to do from the very start. There is no way to go back to the past and earse things. Hence is time to test your relationship with your REAL bf

I am not saying all is your fault of starting another relationship BUT i think you are very confuse. U need your guy to be around all the time cos you are too a sticky gf. so i think is onli when you tell your real bf abt this then you can have peace.
 
C

cheater

Guest
same issue....

i got involved with this guy once, n now i m very remorseful.... i n my fiance r on ther verge of getting married... but i realise i really love my fiance, i wan to stop it...
 
C

cheater

Guest
i really wan him out of my mind. but i cant shake him off my mind... i already stop contacting him... it really fustrasting. the more i think the more i feel angry abt myself...

i really wan my bf... haiz... my bf is at oversea working tooo. temporary oversea... it really lonely...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
There is more in life than BGR. Get a life!

Do some charity work & volunteer services. Pick up new skills. clean up your house, do some DIY etc. There are alot of things to kill boredom.
 

not_so_easy

New Member
go shopping, go find ex-colleagues, go out with parents, go library, go movies, read books, stay at home, go gym, go swimming, go for a walk, go for a jog, there are so much to do if you really want to...
 
C

cheater

Guest
ya.. i stopped meeting him... but my bf sound cold to him to me.. duno is he very busy or wat. or i thinking too much.... i feeling scare... arghz
 

chaihot5

New Member
Do the right thing my friend. Move on and focus on your bf. Dun revieve any call from the fling anymore.

Oso let your bf know how you feel when he was overseas, so both your r/s will get deeper and more understanding.

Cheers
 
C

cheater

Guest
i knw.. i do really feel sad when i knw my SO have to go oversea few more times tis yr.... haiz... i knw he really miss me... last few we msn-ed, somehw sad tat i have done such thing behind him.... hate myself for it... i dun wan to hurt him...
 

enajetah

New Member
Lets put it this way. Imagine it's the other way round, and your BF/fiance is cheating on you or love two women.

What will your feelings be? What will you do?
 

blackeagle

New Member
Emm. I thought it was just a joke when my friend's mum said she will hire PIs to check on prospective daughters in law. Looks like she has a case to be concern as you do not want a messy divorce to sully a family's good name and fortune. Yes, these people are rich, well to do but more discreet and discerning than most folks I have met.
 

letspeelprawn

New Member
Aiyo girls nowadays really dunno now what is ''fu dao'' that way all this problem are out ! Why not rewind back 100-200 years ? ... lolz

Are we really more advance ? or morally eroded ?
 

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