I am confused and desperately need help....

lonelymoon

New Member
Hi,

I saw a lot of kind people here who offers their 2 cents worth of advice and I decided to write my situation here. I have been with this man for 8 years (Married for 7 years) since I was 19. We have no kids. Things went on quite well initially until few years ago, I felt the gap between both of us. He has been jobless for past few years and I have been supporting the family solely then. But it was ok I thought because, as a wife I should go through the hardship with him. A year plus ago, he told me he wants to do his own business and i said yes, I supported him. I helped him to see customer, help him in whatever I can to let him on the track. But I am quite disappointed now, because things doesnt move when I dont push. He is too dependant on me and basically now, I am the man of the house, I provide everything. I feel so tired...Last year, he had an affair and I found out. He said he will break up with the woman and ask me to forgive him. I just felt that all these little thing had accumulated to the points where i cant take it anymore. But to be fair to him, I had a talk to him last week, tell him how i felt and what i wanted, what i am hoping for as a woman. I dont think he got it because things remain unchange, i dont see and feel his sincerity in changing in order to salvage our marriage. I had give him one last chance, which is half a year time to show me he is willing to change for us. I want to move on so much with my own life, but I am so afraid, because I do not have anyone here. I am so afraid and yet I am hoping so much to move on, everyday i am living in dilema. Last, i just want to say, i came to know another man a month ago during my depression, and i confessed my situation to him yet he accepted me and love me for who i am. Would you kind souls out there, please advice me what should i do?
 


lovingyou

New Member
Xiao Li: Comparsions set in when we have someone out there who we can compare with. Ask yourself, if you don't know this second man, will you be asking such qns and be this determined to move on and leave the marriage?
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
Xiao Li: I agree with littlewoman. Put the other man aside n just focus on ur marriage for now. Don't cloud ur mind. If u eventually decide to let go of ur marriage, it will take time to sort out the divorce n to let go of ur emotions. So don't get involved with any man at the moment.

To a large extent, u 'groomed' ur husband to be the way he is now, comfortable in relying on u without the need to be a real man n provide for u. A wife's duty does not include indulging her husband. Unless he has a serious illness, I don't see the reason for him being jobless for the past few years. U could have encouraged or 'forced' him to get a job, wake him up to his senses n share fairly in the responsibilities of ur marriage. Supporting him without being logical n chiding him when he is of a clouded mind, is no support at all. U are disappointed tat he's too dependent on u cos u have allowed him to be tis way n u keep trying to help him n do everything for u. He has become a useless man today partly due to ur indulgence of him n his own character.

To be honest, I think u have an answer in ur heart. U're just holding urself back cos u're afraid of leaving ur comfort zone. Above all, pls put the other man aside. See ur marriage honestly n bear fair responsibility for the current situation. If ur husband truly shows no sincerity to be a better man, then maybe u should move on with ur life n give urself some time to rest before u know a new man.
 

lovingyou

New Member
The other man just happened to be there at the so-called right time... What about asking urself if your love for your HB has been fading, if yes, why is that the case? Fade love is not an excuse to indulge in another person's arms and love. Think of what you had went through with your HB, why did you marry him in the first place? What are the causes of all the unhappiness over the years? Years, and yet the thots of moving on sets in only now?
 

lonelymoon

New Member
Well, i totally agree with Evon. No doubt, I am the one who pampered him and thinking that I should share what i have with him, when i am earning much more than him. But things change as i grew older, life perspective is different. I agree that I should treate him fairly, thats why i had cut now seeing the other man. I knew deep in my heart, with or without the man, things still have to be solved eventually, is juat a metter of time. I am prepared not to be with anyone of them, but right now, i just felt that i should love myself more than anyone else, because i dont want to end up having nothing left for myself. On the other hand, may be i am so used to my husband, 8 years is not a short period, thats why i afraid to be out of the comfort zone.
 

lonelymoon

New Member
The progress is very slow, he asked me to give him 1 year, but it has been 2 years now. Nothing has moved, except those that i helped him to clinched initial state..
 

powder

Active Member
xiao li,

dun be silly and cast the other man aside now... he's obviously here for a reason and that is to help u find Yourself. u dun need to be in a sexual relationship with him now, do u? but by all means DATE! have a feel of what it's like to be with another man instead of basing your Entire Life on your decision/judgment as a 19yr-old!

pls dun bother listening to women who tell u to do the right thing... in the first place u did the wrong thing by being with someone from 19 til now.. THINK, if u didn't go get yourself married, would u be breaking off with your current bfren (aka your husband)?

screw that paper, screw the marriage. Marriage is like the A-level paper u got at 18 and Stopped. u didn't explore diploma nor uni after getting your A's... and that's where u're at! u stopped at 19.

your husband doesn't even make a good son, let alone a husband or future father... he's an absolute waste of time and u should make a quick decision to end this asap. dun waste anymore time... go savour life and savour relatiionships where u dun have to worry abt bills and supporting a man. u will never feel proud of him, u will never get anything out from him except misery.

and dun let anyone tell u that u must end your marriage first... that is the biggest bullsh!t pple often talk abt... and at the same fcuking time, they will talk abt Fate and Love at first sight.

pple talk abt magical things when they're Single... when they're married - they talk abt Right, Wrong and Rules...

nothing should change.. Life should still be magical and made up of hopes n dreams. Dun fall into the group of quiet suffering wives... do what your heart desires and treasure your body, treasure your life, but dun reject life in order to fulfil your duties as a wife, becos he NEVER fulfill any duty as a husband.

i will tell u more honestly than anyone here - u married a Bum, a Bum, a Bum. a man without money, depending on wife, who can have an affair - that is amongst the lowest of the lowest than a guy can go. he has neither integrity nor guilt and worst - no conscience. leave him this weekend if possible, and dun look back. if a person wants to change, it will be Today, not 6mths nor 1yr later.

so if u wanna leave, it will be hours after u read my post, or by this weekend. else u will never leave until the next low and blow comes...
 

powder

Active Member
and to those of u who tell her to focus on her marriage... or those who intend to...

what kind of sick twisted mind do u possess to actually think a marriage exist other than a freakin piece of paper?

she should focus on breaking up with this 'bfren' she married. not focus on a one-sided marriage...

yeah yeah, everyone loves a happy ending with a marriage intact. but u pple goot learn how to see if a marriage is even a marriage... this definitely isn't so let's not waste time trying to conivince ourselves of how hard we try to save a marriage blah blah...

this is the freakin problem with most of u women! stay stay stay, then later go all paranoid and check emails, check handphone, employ a PI... then whole freakin life revolve around checking checking checking... loggin on the facebook and checking checking checking, spying...

can just walk away once and for all??? just walk... this guy has no money, no intention to earn money, is totally dependent on his wife, starts a biz with biz dreams of making it and fcuks around the next minute.

he has no fcuking focus in his life as a husband, as a biz man, as anything. and u are talking abt focusing on this poor excuse of a marriage???

Come-on! exercise some freakin discretion instead of dishing the same old politically-correct and popular advice of trying to save a marriage.

all this bull abt looking back to think of how u fell in love, and what u went thru... it's just romantic notions popularised by Oprah womenfolk! dun waste a minute on this...

i went thru more sh!t than most pple and u dun see me constantly looking back to find something that no longer exist today, do i? am i supposed to look back at past relationships, am i supposed to look back in order to remember why the hell i married my wife???? what crap!

i look at my wife every nite, wake up every morning... and i love her 200% do i need to look back? do i need to think of how we fell in love??? u guys are watching way too much serials that has all these little blurry falshbacks shown with some romantic music in the background.

i love my wife becos i do. and i still do. it's either i love her or i dun... where got such thing as love less, then need to 'look back to remember; sort of bull????

Women, pls wake the hell up. stop forming support groups that does nothing but prolong pain and encourage doing the perceived 'right thing' at the expense of living your One n Only Life to the Fullest and Embracing what makes u Truly Happy!

one thing's for sure... i'm at least 200 times more happy than most of u who need to look back to find love. Or Worst - Remember It... what the sh!te....

u're better off looking back and admitting that u got married for that stupid HDB or that princess ideals of a dream wedding. If u know why u got married in the first place, then u'll easily know how to get out of your mistake.

oh ya, this is not just for the pple in this thread. i am telling all u women with that crap notion and unbelieveably naive lies u tell yourselves everyday!
 

powder

Active Member
for those of u who are angry... that is becos it is in your natural instincts to be ruled by Emotions FIRST. and u will fail to see the logic and simplicity of what i say...

and Xiao Li, dun forget what u say, "I am confused and desperately need help...."

THAT is your priority, so dun be angry. inciting this whole feeling in u - is part of what i am trying to do... it is my way of telling u that, "See! u ARE ruled by emotions". u react First, and think Second.

for those of u who dun understand... remember this - "If u could only give ONE 'Second Chance' to something... who or what do u give this 'Second Chance' to?"

Marriage? Husband? Life? Yourself?

let me explain...

we all have Priorities... but where do we place them?
1. Life
2. Me
3. Family (parents/siblings)
4. Frens
5. Career
6. Marriage
7. Husband

let's just concentrate on 4 of the above...

1. Life
2. Me
3. Marriage
4. Husband

what is your priority of things?

1. Life - encompasses all the below... can u have a life without an of the below? some u can, some u can't.

2. Me - i'm part of life, can i be part of a marriage? do i need a marriage to define Me? do i need a husband to define Me?

3. Marriage - is marriage part of life or is life meaningless without marriage? is a huisband impt to the marriage or a man impt to the marriage? did i marry a husband or did i simply marry a man i expected to be a husband? Can marriage happen with Another man? must it be THIS man?

4. Husband - is he impt to a Marriage? is he impt to my Life? does he make Me a better person? can i have a wonderful bfren but a horrible husband? can my husband and bfren be the same person? if they are not the same person then does that mean i not be with the one who gives me less happiness?

so many questions... so may simple questions... yet i find that women tend to try so hard to do things BACKWARDS. if u look at the whole advice that ladies tend to give each other... the priorities are almost backwards!

1. Husband (or marriage or kids)
2. Marriage (or husband or kids)
3. Me
4. Life

Yup, the focus and priority on Life & Self (Me) is totally lost... and they oftend wonder why they are not truly happy. even tho Husabdn is Wrong - which makes the Marriage Wrong... they will try to hold on to Both or One... of cos if they hold on to One - they will need the other to complement it. means they choose Over n Over again - marriage and husband...

and the LOSE - Life and Self.

when u are dying on your deathbed... trust me, u look back at Life. u dun look back at just marriage or husband. u look back at Life (Happy?). u look back at Self (regrets?).

if u love yourself, and u treasure life... put in an effort to ask yourself what your true priorities are and how u wanna live your one and only life... seriously ask yourself that, and u will find that Answers n SOlutions come naturally. nobody sad life was easy, but nobody should tell u to suffer your entire life either. what value is there in being the right wife, when u lived the wrong life in the wrong marriage with the wrong husband? What value is there and what happiness is there?

LOOK AT your husband NOW. is he the right one? is he the one to give u a good Life, Marriage and hep u to find Yourself?

if the answer is no... what are u waiting for? change?

Marriage - u can have 2 bad marriages with 2 bad husbands before u find 1 good marriage with 1 good husband. WHY do u only allow yourself ONE husband this lifetime even if he's a bad one??? mistakes can be made... to stubbornly wait for a mistake to correct itself is not a good choice at all.

Husband - just becos u have one now doesn't mean u cannot change and must resign to life becos he is bad. u CAN change. u CAN break up. u CAN get the breakup papers for marriage known as a divorce!

ME - YOU, Yourself. What isit u want out of Life? and if u are NOT getting it... what must u do? Hope? Take Action?

i wish u all the very best in life... and i wish to tell u that Happiness IS a Decision, It is an Honest Truth.

Give your Second Chance to...

1. Life
2. Me (Yourself)

....FIRST.

Dun bother giving it to...

3. Marriage
4. Husband
 

ginasjm

New Member
I'm a woman and i agree with Powder. This is the kind of man who bring you misery. Rather be happily single than miserably married. When I was 19. I met a boy (bum) whom I splurged / pampered on alot. I thought to be in love means to share whatever money I have and support the bum who does not want to work, only want money from me to stay at home and watch soccer. I was more than happy to give. Then he broke up with me a year later cos he says the feeling was lost. I was shattered then, trying to figure out what have I not done enough for me or why I deserved such shit for doing/giving so much to him. But today I praise God for allowing the break-up and am eternally grateful to him for breaking up with me then. I thanked him for teaching me how to 'spot' a man, not a boy. That was one of the best lesson I learnt, love is not mathematics, it doesn't yield as much as you would like no matter how much you 'invest'. Life is about being happy within yourself, not your marital status, single or attached. Don't shortchange yourself. You deserve to be happy, but you don't need a man to give that to you. Life is too short to be stuck with leeches, people who does nothing but sucking your blood. if you are smart enough, pluck those leeches out of your life. And yes, by all means, know more people, expand your horizon.

I thanked God for showing me the true essence of a man and I am proud to marry a man who have the heart to take care of me.

Lastly, please leave this ungrateful person. Don't let the habit of living with him leeches you. Life is too short to be fearful of the unknown. Step out and move on. I stepped out of Singapore on my own, a place i called home for more than 20 years to explore another foreign land. It's not easy but it's all worth it.
 

powder

Active Member
sori for all the typos and mis-spelt, have to type in the darkness most of the time... lotsa typos but main one would be paragraph 18 - "and theY LOSE - Life and Self."
 

lovingyou

New Member
It is more on the focus on what she wants. Is her confusion caused by the other man or frankly her marriage life that she had with her husband? Bearing “grudges†and not sorting out both expectations till now, isn’t she jointly at fault? People might term her husband a bum, never realli fulfill her duties as a HB, but do we marry someone coz of what we expected him to behave as a husband or do we marry the person coz we have love for the person in the first place? If we leave someone coz the person can’t fulfill his or her responsibilities / duties as what is expected in a marriage, should men look for another person coz his wives can’t get pregnant or should we women leave our men coz he is suffering from ED etc?

“i look at my wife every nite, wake up every morning... and i love her 200% do i need to look back? do i need to think of how we fell in love???†I agree with this point, but a qn will be why does TS asking herself this qn and/or why is confusion caused at this point in time? Has the love faded or simply transferred to another person who happened to be there at the right time?

Not saying that she or women have to stick on to a marriage till death do us apart if she is so unhappy in the marriage; even Buddhist relics talked about leaving the marriage if it is happier and beneficial for both parties in doing that. However, TS has to ask herself is she being clouded by a new love now or simply think that her marriage is beyond any possible/reasonable hope?

Every woman hopes to be pampered and “sheltered†by the man they love, but this is also a vice versa thought and what might be expected from our partners, be it bf or husband. Moreover, aren’t we women like to talk about equality? Marriage is about equality too, TS husband might be lacking in areas such as doing business, in that case, did TS put her foot down in her firmness of him looking for a job instead? Or was she trying to be an encouraging wife that causes and results to this unhappiness today? I am not siding anyone here, just that we only happen to hear one side of the story, what is the other side of the story? Why is he being this “dependent†on her? Like what Evon says, could it be indulgence over the years?

After all these “sacrificesâ€, she should think for herself, think of what she wants, but what she wants seems to be contradicting and why is that so….
 

simpleman

Active Member
"should men look for another person coz his wives can’t get pregnant or should we women leave our men coz he is suffering from ED etc? "

Don't you think such eg is not useful and not relevant. We are talking about a hb that is jobless for a few years... when we got into a marriage, are we expecting the hb to be jobless for many years? This is SG. If you are willing to work, I don't see how one can be jobless for many years.
 

lovingyou

New Member
sm: of coz we dun expect our HB to not to work for years, "But it was ok I thought because, as a wife I should go through the hardship with him. A year plus ago, he told me he wants to do his own business and i said yes, I supported him." - if you are the HB, will you actually think that it is something wrong since ur wife seems okay with it?
 

powder

Active Member
hi littlewoman,

"If we leave someone coz the person can’t fulfill his or her responsibilities / duties as what is expected in a marriage, should men look for another person coz his wives can’t get pregnant or should we women leave our men coz he is suffering from ED etc?"

- that's assuming that wife's role is to produce baby, and man is to provide the seeds and inseminate the lady... but it isn't the case here isit?

and Yes u leave a man who is a bum unless he is a rich bum. if u have intention to have kids, why make the decision to have a bum-father for the kids? a man with no money, wants to do biz WITHOUT making the money to start one in the first place, and goes on to have an affair... seriously What kind of a saving grace are u expecting from this man??? what kind of excuse would u wanna give?

just becos he is a husband? just becos she loves/loved him? what kind of life are u expecting? u would have to sacrifice Life & Self, to hold on to this marriage and husband, wouldn't u?

screw both men... just concentrate on Self then... whether this man comes or not, the husband is someone who functions better alone and by himself, he is not fit for any role within a family nucleus other than being the useless good-for-nothing son who bleeds the family dry. the type who constantly gets into trouble?

"Every woman hopes to be pampered and “sheltered†by the man they love, but this is also a vice versa thought and what might be expected from our partners, be it bf or husband."

- i would hardly think that men need to be pampered and sheltered the way u see it as a woman. seriously.

and that's the problem... there's just way too much romantic thoughts on how men think, what they think etc... and it's how most of u think men think...

let me tell u straight - Xiao Li is just a replacement mother/sibling/family member. she is Anything but a love subject... his dependence on her has NOTHING to do with love... she is the charity he goes to daily for food n shelter, and perhaps some sex. he has a life Outside... and it does not include her...

believe it or not, believe u me. Whilst most of u ladies go holding on to 8yrs, 9yrs, how u met and fell in love blah blah... it definitely isn't a recurring thought in his mind... he stays in her shelter, spends her money, loves and fcuks other women... what is so darn difficult to understand abt that - that u need to revisit this bloody fact?

why isit that u gals have to constantly stay in denial, confirming and double-confirming a freakin fact??? No Money, No Nothing, Lazy as Hell, Wants to Be Rich, and Fcuks around...

what sort of sick mind makes him anywhere remotely close to being a husband or bfren? what sort of Past love is so fcuking strong to hold u back to such characters???

are we gonna see stardust no.2 ??? a possible remake where the new plot is a poorer husband and without kids?


sometimes i wish u ladies would stop sharing your concepts for once and stare at the hard facts... really, stare at it.

1. he's poor.
2. he is poor BY CHOICE.
3. he wants to do biz (obviously wants to be rich).
4. he is doing nothing to contribute to the biz... he merely started it (if u can even consider that).
5. he had an affair after all her sacrifice.

if the company made profit of 3k a month, trust me... he'll be that typical guy who goes on and buys himself a new BMW320i... he will borrow the initial downpayment from... who else? HER.

if your life experience has not given u the ability to see a person for who he is, but keep getting blinded by love love love, and the need to confirm confirm... then u might as well dun live life nor make decisions. What are u so afraid to lose? a good husband?

u dun need 100% confirmation from 10 reasons to leave a lousy husband. u just need 1 or 2. he has given at least 3 x 100% reasons to leave... what more do we need to find out?
 

simpleman

Active Member
littlewoman,

Definitely as a man, even if the wife is willing to support, I would have reservations.

And after that to still screw around and not really showing much interest in the business. He is obviously taking advantage of the wife..
 

lovingyou

New Member
Hi Power: throughout my replies to this post, I didn’t ask TS to stay on with this marriage, neither did I encourage her to leave it. What I am trying to put across is for her to think carefully what does she want in her life and don’t simply leave this marriage coz she has another guy to turn to or just coz majority of us here feel so? This other man might be good now, but who can guarantee that nothing changes in the future? If the same thing happen, does she look for another man and leave the 2nd marriage (if any) again?

Everyone has their expectations and how they perceive this big word “marriageâ€. Different people handles it differently, TS chooses to handle conflicts/differences silently or thinking that being encouraging is the right way, but in real life, is that the case? Communication is one of the good way to keep a marriage going, but she isn’t doing that in the first few years isn’t it? A question to be asked here will be is she focusing on herSELF now or is she being this confused as she has another “spare†to turn to now? Moreover, she is in “depression†now, shouldn’t she be concentrating to get herself back to her feet and get on with her recovery?

“Last, i just want to say, i came to know another man a month ago during my depression, and i confessed my situation to him yet he accepted me and love me for who i am†– is there any link to herSELF or is this one of the main concern or factor that is confusing her?

Whether to leave her husband, starting a “new love†etc has no linkage to as in allowing her to focus on herself…. Hence, why be this confused in the first place? Does TS has to leave her HB, leave this marriage in order for her to recover? She can focus and love herself more by simply doing activities that she enjoyed w/o focusing that much on her HB, the marriage and her family.

“a man with no money, wants to do biz WITHOUT making the money to start one in the first place†– I am not providing excuses but a question to ask is why TS didn’t stop that in the first place? She was the one who encourages him isn’t it? Thinking for the better or hoping for the best that her HB changes himself for the better, but perhaps this might not be the right way to wake someone up?

“he is not fit for any role within a family nucleus other than being the useless good-for-nothing son who bleeds the family dry. the type who constantly gets into trouble?†– How do you know that TS is a good for nothing son who gets his family into deep trouble? Is it simply assumptions or do you know other hidden truths from TS? We reap what we sow, what causes him to be who he is today? His parents, TS etc? I am not saying that his parents’ TS’ indulgences and encouragement is wrong but I guess there is a limit to everything?

“i would hardly think that men need to be pampered and sheltered the way u see it as a woman. Seriously†– of coz I guess and like I say it is just a thin line between pampering and “spoilingâ€â€¦ we can pamper our partners by simply cooking a good meal, listening to his woes at work etc but we dun spoil him and allow him to be what he wants to be in life w/o setting our foot down for certain things and eventually reaching a point whereby we can’t handle and feeling that our man is simply useless. If the man is useless, should we point it out years ago? The keyword here is years…

We do not know if TS’ HB had left the gal, hence, again is it an assumption that he has a life outside that doesn’t include TS? I am not asking TS to harp on hopes that he will / is back to a loving hb who can protect her, love her etc but are we in the right position to judge him based on the limited info that we have as of now? He is indeed not a saint who stray and betray her regards on how much she did, but who has a right except TS can decide if any judgment should be passed.

It is up to an individual party who is involved to decide if a second chance should be given, can we say that the person is silly or being stupid if he or she forgives the partner who strayed? Who are we to judge them?
what sort of Past love is so fcuking strong to hold u back to such characters??? - That is your perspective and how you view r/s but that doesn’t mean we all should view it the same way. Just like some netizens find Jack Neo’s wife silly as well, but again, do we being outsiders have a right to judge if Irene is doing the right thing by being forgiving?

Indeed my life experience are not as colorful to see what’s wrong with TS marriage whereby I feel that a lot of things can be prevented from the start and TS wouldn’t even has to go through this much today, but what did she do to prevent it? I am not saying that she deserved it but it take 2 hands to clap.
 

lovingyou

New Member
sm: "Definitely as a man, even if the wife is willing to support, I would have reservations. " - that is you. Not all man feel the same and special circumstances would determine the differences in end results as well.
happy.gif
 

moistfaucet

New Member
all women want to change a man, while all man want to have a easy life. women was born with the desire of commitment while man was born to whatever its best for himself. hahaha.....

women will get a emotional trophy for changing a man to be her desire. something they are very proud of.

i am a man and i will never understand what women are, but there is some women or man prefer the weak spouse to live it, such as bad family background, ex covict, players. something that hard to get or to live with. you know...something like to make themself feel worthy or usefull or meaningfull in their life. i guess.
 

simpleman

Active Member
littlewoman,

"Not all man feel the same and special circumstances would determine the differences in end results as well."

Don't give me this type of responses. Of course we know not all man will feel the same. But we are talking about someone bumming around jobless for a few years.. is this even remotely responsible as a husband?

Unless he is handicap or sick or anything. I don't see how an able-bodied man would be a responsible man by not working and bumming around.. and can even screw around.

So, don't talk about special circumstances unless they are existent. Otherwise what is the point of discussion here? Noting to based on really. Everyone is different. Every circumstances is different. We cannot judge and therefore what is the point, really?

I would very much agree with you if there are "special circumstances" but so far, none has been presented. And we have to assume that they are non-existent.
 

simpleman

Active Member
littlewoman,

I don't think the issue is with the other man. The other man is just the catalyst.

Her marriage has a problem. Yes, you are right. She is a part of it. She allows herself to be in this situation for a couple of years. But her hb is the bigger part of the equation.

Unless she is rich and able to feed her hb lazing around and she can tolerate her hb screwing around... otherwise what is the point of having the marriage? But you are right up to her. She wants to be screwed and enjoy being in misery - that is her call. Obviously she calling out for advices her means she wants a way out. I don't for a moment see any redeeming point about her marriage... or maybe, there is such strong love that she is basking in that she is willing to be in? I don't think so. She wants to move on. Just that she is afraid of change and the unknown.
 

lovingyou

New Member
sm: my reply for the special circustamces relates to one of my cousin's experience. He used his wife's saving to kickstart a biz as well, he being a man doesn't has any reservations in using the wife's monies but of coz he is so far a better man as compared to TS' hb.
happy.gif


She wants to move on - I am not saying that she can't... just that this is her choice and her moving on relates for herself and she isn't making the move for others. There is changes in life everyday, we faces uncertainly and challenges on a daily basis too. Nothing is guarantee and certain in life, just that we have to bear the consequences of the decisions and our actions, and not grumbling and pinpointing the fault on others...
 

goldfishtee

New Member
Look, here we're talking about a husband who does not provide for the family, who does not bring bread and butter on the table, and worst yet; had affair outside.

It's ridiculous to blame the wife on what is the husband today. A person's character does not get built just for few years of indulgence, whatever you call it. If he's not lazy from the beginning, he'll not be jobless for few years, no matter how supportive the wife is.

Why can't the husband be a better husband instead of becoming good for nothing husband who went into infidelity after getting all the support from the wife?

Anyway, it's meaningless to find fault on anybody. The fact is the marriage does not work anymore. It's up to TS to leave or stay in this marriage. But if I were her, I will leave. Because I have life to live, I will concentrate on starting & building my life all over again.
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
xiaoli: I agree with littlewoman tat it takes 2 hands to clap. Based on wat u have said, I have no doubts tat u have given a lot to tis marriage n contributed excessively in terms of finances. I don't know if u knew ur husband enough before marriage. Ur actions of love translated into indulgence over time, which encouraged ur husband's lazy behaviour. I am sure there are things about ur marriage tat u did not mention. 7yrs of marriage - u had ur ups n downs, gd n bad times. U found out he had an affair last yr, which must have further destroyed ur marriage. His lack of willingness n sincerity to rebuild tis marriage with u should allow u to open ur eyes to see him for who he truly is.

The issue u are facing now is whether u should stay or leave tis marriage. Ur heart has an answer already. Let ur emotions n tots settle. U will find the strength to walk through life. Just make sure u have no regrets, cos life is a learning process. If u decide to step out of the marriage, give urself some time to rest cos a divorce can be messy. If u decide to stay in the marriage, u have to be honest with urself whether it is cos u love ur husband alot n are willing to forgive him n rebuild ur marriage with equal responsibility or u are staying just cos its ur comfort zone.

I wish u all the best in ur life. =>
 

lovingyou

New Member
"It's ridiculous to blame the wife on what is the husband today. A person's character does not get built just for few years of indulgence, whatever you call it. If he's not lazy from the beginning, he'll not be jobless for few years, no matter how supportive the wife is." - in that case, how / what u call the wife when all this while she knows he is like that and she carries on with her marriage life till now?
 

lonelymoon

New Member
Hi All, thanks so much for the advice you guys are providing. Indeed powder has a very clear and logical mind, while SM, you really read my mind 100%. While for the past few years, again and again i give him chance to change to a better person, i think is time that things has to come to a turning point. Either he change and we continue to work out in marriage or i move on because i dont have many more 8 years to waste. But again if i promise to give him 6 months, should i honour this?
 

lonelymoon

New Member
And of course we have been through the up and down. When i came over here from malaysia to study, he is the one who providing me lodging and food (of course i work part time for my own allowance). I am greatful to him till todays and bec of this, i felt that i am owing him. Like what Evon said, life is a learning process. While i am working hard to achieve better life, he is station there, it makes our gap even bigger. Can u imagine, when i asked him to share the bill, he said that i want him to pay because i cant bear to stop buying my branded goods. I work so hard, i dun see any wrong with me buying one LV bag to pamper myself.
 

lovingyou

New Member
U are the one who knows him the best and also the one who knows if things might improve be it now or 6 months down the road... it is important that you have no regrets in whatever decision you will be making. All the best to you...
 

lovingyou

New Member
TS: Did you marry your HB coz u feel that you owe him?

"While i am working hard to achieve better life, he is station there, it makes our gap even bigger. Can u imagine, when i asked him to share the bill, he said that i want him to pay because i cant bear to stop buying my branded goods. I work so hard, i dun see any wrong with me buying one LV bag to pamper myself." = this shows that both of you have different misunderstandings and grudges towards each other... I guess that is one of the reason of why the marriage proceed downhills... Have you ever communicate what you hope to have and vice versa with him?
 

lonelymoon

New Member
I had had many words with him on this. I had been talking calmly with him, what i want and what i hope to have with him. The future with him is so grey...
 

lovingyou

New Member
Years had passed, it is not easy for him to change overnight, become hardworking overnight. It is also not easy for the marriage to work wonders overnight... Why not take a step back and decide for yourself what do you realli want in your future? What you hope to have etc?
 

moistfaucet

New Member
I love my women pampered me, you being loved by women is the sweetest feeling in the world. however, if it is TOO miuch, it will become annoying. I don't mind the girl bought a LV, prada, ferrari, i don't mind. hehehe.....

this is my expectation, but i am myself not sure able to make her happy. i just want something in but i don't want something out. it is my bad.
 

susanna_low

New Member
being loved by women is the sweetest feeling in the world. however, if it is TOO miuch, it will become annoying

no wonder "å¾—ä¸åˆ°çš„永远是最好的"
 

xinyue

New Member
i just want something in but i don't want something out. > you do not wish to contribute and yet you want something in return?
 

powder

Active Member
littlewoman,

powder, not power... i not so narcissistic.

"I didn’t ask TS to stay on with this marriage, neither did I encourage her to leave it. What I am trying to put across is for her to think carefully what does she want in her life and don’t simply leave this marriage coz she has another guy to turn to or just coz majority of us here feel so? This other man might be good now, but who can guarantee that nothing changes in the future?"
- i am not concerned abt the new man. i am very clear that she should leave the marriage... the reason why someone like me is Happier than most pple is becos i have the courage to make decisions, and i have the courage and the balls to tell her to leave her marriage, compared with many others who dun dare say anything wrong. i advise without fear of mistake... i dun advise whilst covering my own a$$. i dare guarantee her a happier life... i make the call, i take the stance, i say what should be done. No 'maybe', no half-hearted half-fcuked diplomatic advice. Not when the Facts are so obviously there... the husband failed 100% for 3 main exams.

"If the same thing happen, does she look for another man and leave the 2nd marriage (if any) again?"
- YES, she should question her ability to read pple. else find frens like myself to help her assess.

"Everyone has their expectations and how they perceive this big word “marriageâ€. Different people handles it differently, TS chooses to handle conflicts/differences silently or thinking that being encouraging is the right way, but in real life, is that the case?"
- Absolutely disagree. this marriage is BAD. let's not question perception and expectations unless u personally want a Poor husband who Bums and has Affairs. if that is Not your perception... dun use the "everyone has their own perception" argument... it's absolute bull and i am telling u - what u said is CRAP. i dun wish to be diplomatic and humour u on this...

"A question to be asked here will be is she focusing on herSELF now or is she being this confused as she has another “spare†to turn to now? Moreover, she is in “depression†now, shouldn’t she be concentrating to get herself back to her feet and get on with her recovery?"
- the depression is due to the marriage isn't it? then why not ask her to leave the marriage instead of think, think, think and think... that's the problem... alot of u ladies often ask other ladies to think. none of u have the balls (and the physcial one) to tell a person to leave a marriage. u are afraid to take responsiblity for your words and judgment.

"I am not providing excuses but a question to ask is why TS didn’t stop that in the first place? She was the one who encourages him isn’t it? Thinking for the better or hoping for the best that her HB changes himself for the better, but perhaps this might not be the right way to wake someone up?"
- yup, let's give it another 5yrs... then she'll really feel great leaving him at 32 and trying to find another man, getting married and perhaps have her kids at 35... ONE THING u must note, most ladies would wish they have done it Earlier - when they reach this stage. sometimes u just need to look ahead to know what to do Today.

“ How do you know that TS is a good for nothing son who gets his family into deep trouble? Is it simply assumptions or do you know other hidden truths from TS? We reap what we sow, what causes him to be who he is today? His parents, TS etc? I am not saying that his parents’ TS’ indulgences and encouragement is wrong but I guess there is a limit to everything?"
- can u stop being a woman and look at the facts??? stop all the 'maybe this' 'maybe that'. my gosh, what do u need? his bank balance and photos of him in hotel 81? so are we supposed to find the positives within this? he is a BUM, what makes u think his family is getting excellent support from him and he is heavily buying insurance and investing in retirement funds for his parents??? some assumptions can be made... i have the balls to assume it. u dun... u must dig until u can every fcuking fact before u make a decision... u are so cautious that by the time u leave this man - u are 55yrs old.

"We do not know if TS’ HB had left the gal, hence, again is it an assumption that he has a life outside that doesn’t include TS? I am not asking TS to harp on hopes that he will / is back to a loving hb who can protect her, love her etc but are we in the right position to judge him based on the limited info that we have as of now?"
- Dun be the type of pple who will buy property 5yrs after everyone has bought and made their money. all they do is watch and watch and are so afraid to make mistakes - when they are making a mistake just waiting and waiting. u can't spend your life being overly careful to the point of handicapping yourself. Are we gonna spend time re-confirming that he has left the girl? perhaps hire a PI... and we forget he's a Bum. DUH...

"who has a right except TS can decide if any judgment should be passed."
- then why are u here? u can't be neutral and expect things done whilst u take no responsibility but want to have a say. Yes or No, Do or Dun Do.

"It is up to an individual party who is involved to decide if a second chance should be given, can we say that the person is silly or being stupid if he or she forgives the partner who strayed? Who are we to judge them?"
- that is your emotional stance. it has nothing to do with improving one's Life... only life. it is a righteous talk, not a happiness talk. so i do not entertain such talk when seeking happiness.

"That is your perspective and how you view r/s but that doesn’t mean we all should view it the same way. Just like some netizens find Jack Neo’s wife silly as well, but again, do we being outsiders have a right to judge if Irene is doing the right thing by being forgiving?"
- look, why are u telling me that i am Not right. when u have absolutley no idea what your stance is... u do not dare take any stance, yet u want others not to take any stance... so we sit and watch? can u pass me the potato chips? i believe in changing life for the better, and seeking happiness. u believe in talking abt them.

"Indeed my life experience are not as colorful to see what’s wrong with TS marriage whereby I feel that a lot of things can be prevented from the start and TS wouldn’t even has to go through this much today, but what did she do to prevent it? I am not saying that she deserved it but it take 2 hands to clap."
- yup, let's spend months looking at the past, the mistake, and Then we decide. husband in the meantime is excused...
 

powder

Active Member
Look, u either do or dun do. dun hang me and tell me all those diplomatic bullsh!t at how i should advise... i'm so sick of pple faulting me for being harsh... when your bloody niceness takes away another 10yrs of a person's youth.

end of the day u have no stance, no idea, no decision, no assumptions, and your advice is just to think it over... why do u think she posted here in the first place? to be told to think it over???

shouldn't we at least assume that she wants Advice on what to DO? and not to further think think think think?

Why do pple post here? to be told to think further After they came here becos they could think no further.... ?

if u can't even tell that, then what can u tell?

of cos, my post excludes women who post here to bitch... in which case i always get wacked.

oh btw, pple like me are the most honest with opinions becos when i post... i dun fcuking care abt popularity nor pple liking me. i dun care abt the consequences to me and how wonderful u think of me. i tell u what i think, period. if i have to make everyone look stupid to deliver the msg to u, i Will deliver the msg to u... everyone can look stupid for all i care. the person in trouble will be my focus, not myself. Never myself.
 

ariebeth

New Member
I'm a woman and I have to say, I agree with Powder.

Men tend to be better problem-solvers while women always get stuck in the my-head-vs-my-heart battle.

What I learnt from my fiance is to take myself out of a situation, without the emotions, and look at the facts from afar, as a third person. You can never see anything clearly if you are immersed in it.

This is why I stay away from drama serials like a plague. First they make you weep with their sappy romantic happily-ever-after love-will-conquer-all one-true-love-soulmate-forever storylines, then the brainwashing begins.

U are the one who knows him the best and also the one who knows if things might improve be it now or 6 months down the road... it is important that you have no regrets in whatever decision you will be making. All the best to you...

I don't see why it's important? Regret is just a risk that comes with any decision. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and take that leap. TS has wasted enough time with this freeloader who has sponged off her for so many years. On top of that, she can't even trust him to keep his lil bro in his pants. This is not a marraige and has not been for a long time. What future is there for them?
 

lovingyou

New Member
Opps… Powder: apologies for the wrong spelling..

From your reply, everything is about you, you and you. You are replying as if you put yourself in her shoes but is that the case? Are you her? Did you go through what she went through? U and I are the same, we gather limited information of what TS had went through, just that you and I choose to handle it differently if both of us are caught in her situation. Does it mean that I don’t have the guts like you have? U tell her to do this, to do that, but the keypoint is who are u to her? Both of us are here as OUTSIDERS advising our opinions on what how do we handle the case if we are in her shoes. U point out the facts, which all of us here are aware, but are you able to take up responsibility if indeed ur insistence caused TS to lead a bitter life than now? You assume that she will be happier leaving this marriage, I am not saying otherwise but she being an adult, does she has the capability and mentality to make her own decision and mind? She is here in a forum for advices not asking people to make decisions for her.

Again, is YOU who feel that I am afraid to take up responsibility for my words and judgment but if you are really this good to analyze situations without understanding what are the main factors resulting in today’s unhappiness from both sides of the story, by all means give your own judgment and perhaps this can help TS from having to think further and simply follow what you have said blindly. Since like what you have mentioned: “else find frens like myself to help her assess.â€.

“can u stop being a woman and look at the facts??? stop all the 'maybe this' 'maybe that'. my gosh, what do u need? his bank balance and photos of him in hotel 81? so are we supposed to find the positives within this? he is a BUM, what makes u think his family is getting excellent support from him and he is heavily buying insurance and investing in retirement funds for his parents??? some assumptions can be made... i have the balls to assume it. u dun... u must dig until u can every fckuing fact before u make a decision... u are so cautious that by the time u leave this man - u are 55yrs old. “ – look at what facts may I know? Facts and assumptions are different! Facts are what I see and hear from the person’s mouth, not assumptions that it is so or it is that case. If like what u say, u have the balls to assume it, then TS should probably know it much earlier as being the FACTS and thus, why is she still hanging on till now?!

I am not the judge, neither am I the god, hence, if I am not here to pass judgment, I shouldn’t be here? You are a strict yes and no person, but in life, is there really no grey areas? Perhaps for you, no, but for me, it is a yes. People who come forums doesn’t have to be told what they can/should do, or what they cannot / should not do. They are here to ask for advices, how others might think and handle the situations if they are in their shoes. They can choose to pick out ideas which are helpful to them and not follow blindly by what is being stated as correct just coz the person assumes it to be the case or his or her life experiences say so…

Emotional stance can’t improve happiness or do you really think so coz that doesn’t happen to you? Since when Love is righteous? If so, is it love in the first place? U think u are being righteous by simply asking TS to leave her partner and u think righteous allows her to seek another happiness? U think righteous equates to not being a bum, not allow to stray etc. May I ask how many such person in this world then? May I ask who do not make mistake in this world then? Even God forgives people who sinned and allowed them with chances?

I guess u had misunderstand or should I say there is no need for you to understand me at all; with me bringing up Jack’s incident does not equates to me having no stand or mindset at all. My stand is simple: it is his family issues, we can only advise what we think she shld do but whether or not she heed the advice or otherwise is beyond our control. I dun force my insistence on people, in terms of your strict definition, yes, Jack strayed, he is wrong. His wife forgive his mistake, it is wrong in your stand but is there a confirmed right and wrong in love, in marriage? If everything in life is a certainly, why would people be struggling with their emotions? For you to help them assess situations?
 

lovingyou

New Member
AB: I don't see why it's important? Regret is just a risk that comes with any decision = what if this regret is something that can’t be reversed back? Will you advise that we make the best out of it?
This is a general statement that request TS to think and not simply heeding the advices and taking the plunge. Not saying that she shouldn’t risk it but won’t it be better if she decide for herself to take the plunge instead of following what was being told?
 

ariebeth

New Member
Read TS's first post again. She is sick and tired of her situation... 8 years is plenty of time for her to think.

I highly doubt anyone would make a life-changing decision by blindly following the advice of some strangers on a forum. She definitely has to decide for herself... it's kind of a moot point.

She can't be sure she will have no regrets - but she can try her best to improve her life and make herself happy. Talking about regrets will do no good as she will keep doubting herself and worry that she's making a mistake. How will that encourage her to move forward? In that case, she might be stuck in this same exact dilemma for another 8 years and find herself back here again.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"This is a general statement that request TS to think and not simply heeding the advices and taking the plunge. Not saying that she shouldn’t risk it but won’t it be better if she decide for herself to take the plunge instead of following what was being told?"

Littlewoman, if the TS can tahan eight years do you think she will anyhow heed the advices here and take the plunge overnight? Your concern is certainly undue.

I don't know why you are talking as if the TS cannot process all the information further and make her own decision from there. It's either you have a protective nature or that you think she is incapable of proper decision making?

With such a bum I can almost guarantee that her only regret would have been not to leave her husband sooner.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
TS has forgiven her husband time and again in the past eight years but he still bums around and womanises. You have to realise that forgiveness cannot change this man.
 

powder

Active Member
littlewoman,

i have deleted what i wrote. i think that is enough. u will understand one day... not today, but one day u will. sad thing will be that The Day u understand - u will realise that time cannot go backwards and u have done a good part of your life much wrong.

i just hope your answers are not by default, one that encourages keeping a marriage becos it's the right thing to say. some of u are more concerned with marriages being kept, than the welfare of the women in the marriage.

guess u'll sleep better at nite knowing u prevented 1 divorce, but i hope u sleep well destroying 2 lives.
 



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