Husband strayed - How should i move on?

nylek

New Member
Btw, I would really like to thanks all for giving good advices around here... it does help to improve my thoughts and evaluation...
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
hi Nylek, u said so yourself. Its more an act of desperation than sincerity. A sincere heart would come from one without expectations. He would care and be supportive to you despite no commitments nor hope of reconciliation. He needs to realize he messed up and there is no way u guys can promise a future together anymore. What is broken cannot be undone.

Until a time when you guys are comfortable enough to take the next step. Don't rush into anything. This step might not be realized at all. If the marriage and relationship turns cold, just have to accept the inevitable.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

The seek of the One as you have said, you may not be. Hence you may be. Hence, you go with your heart, then fate shalt decide.

The only issue is with your idea of exclusiveness. As I have said, if time were to be reversed, your idea will only reinforce your path to the same consequence. Human relationship is not really a game after all.

Just like I mentioned. Hweebs wants exclusiveness as well, and she has her 'analysis' in another thread. But the truth is, her choice between two extremes of Jack Neo and Scope will bring her to Jack, who's known to be promising 'taking care of her forever'...

Where her belief of what values and commitment only brings her to choose what will be against her belief. Which is, she's blind.

She's playing against her own self. She never understood what I was pointing out at her. LOL~

Choice is not for her nor for mortal women whose wisdom is only that much...

I was hurt as well... I don't think I did anything wrong. Man... Women are not perfect. I was also fated to fall for a completely ridiculous woman... of which she has married someone I totally can't find agreeable.

Hurt. LOL~

Nylek, as long as you don't try to be your own goddess, just enjoy the romance while you can. Life is alot of regrets. But what is life without regrets? What is happiness without regrets...?

You need to grow. No offence.

I think I have explained why I find you are too bothered or focused with the other woman.

Without this incident you will love him forever... Without imperfection, everything is perfect. Without a knock on the head, every little girl can dream forever.

LOL~

It's not about the incident, Nylek. You are meant to break, you break. This is how much your 'love' will be worth... it's as much as the imperfection, or the incident.

Some women stop loving their guys when their men are down... can't feed the family. Luckily, my Mom is not such women.

Love. Every woman claims love, only God knows. LOL~

Nylek, how much is your love worth, will depend on how you take the test. You can 'love' 100 men, altogether or one by one... but you at the same time love none. Once a test comes, whether you are capable of love will show.

Nice. Your test comes early. Good for you.

You never know, the One God has your match made in heaven could be a prince. LOL~ Always be prepared to check all the cards God's holding for your choice. This God is very naughty...

Eternal love doesn't come to those who ain't worth it. You have got to prove yourself.
 

denise80

Active Member
Nylek,

Somehow after reading your posts, I feel that you'll have your answer sooner or later. This is just a very difficult passing phase.

As women, I think we tend to think a lot because we are afraid to make the wrong decisions and to regret later on. We may even start thinking about the fact that we don't have much to lose by continuing with the marriage. The biggest loss is only a second heartbreak and the biggest win is a more certain yes to the divorce ultimately. The ball is in your court. I tend to like giving myself and others a last chance and if it still doesn't work out (whether it's because of me or others), I'll then be able to walk away stronger and without regrets. Whatever course of action you choose, all the best!
 

flowerygal

New Member
Hi Nylek,
After the incident, you should have realized that marriage (legally) is not important anymore. True love comes within the heart with faithfulness. You may teach him a lesson by divorcing him but next time if you reconcile, don't remarry. It is a tedious process. Since he is willing to change, he has to convince you. Cert is no longer an issue.

Sometimes it doesnt matter whether the other woman is prettier or not. Affairs started because of mutual "attraction" which can be unexplainable. Cant compare. So what if she's prettier? Just heck care with all these issues and move on. You be glad in no time.

Soon, you will find yourself becoming more tougher and happier. Cheers!
 

seawaves6

New Member
hi nylek

we sort of in the similar situation...
i mean i was really just 100% like u when i started my thread sometime back.

adultery is very common yet most couple dun divorce. divorce or continue is not merely a choice.

i dun think u're rdy to make a rational decision right now, at this moment.
so i think its good not to make any decision now. give both party some time to cool things off 1st then see how.

btw, some comment will make u feel worse abt urself. just dun let them get into u.
happy.gif
 

nylek

New Member
hi milo & scope guy,

i guess i reached some sort of enlightenment after thinking thru whole night and even think in my dreams...

i do agree i focused too much on TOW... if i really love him, whatever happens i will still love him and i'm also too focused on the hurt that i felt...

Right now, i'm evaluating:
Do I really love him so much?
Do I really feel he is the one, the life companion?
Do i still care for him even if we divorce?

I also need him to really think thru the same qns above... He says he will change for me, but changes must comes from the heart and must be sincerely wanting to change not just because of wanting me to stay then change.

If we both can surpass the 3 qns above, i guess we can go on with the marriage... otherwise, he is really not the one and i can move on...

hi denise80,

yes... me too... i would like to give a second chance but first must validate those questions above first... they are the pre-requisites to ensure we love, respect and treat each other right... Just that now i'm not sure how can he be enlightened to think beyond wanting to make amendments.

i also need to set my expectations for the worst case scenario... e.g. 40yo, he ditch me for someone else and i have 1-2 kids to raise... if i can handle this worst case scenarios, then i can consider further...

hi flowerygal,

true, marriage is a cert, just to protect woman and i appreciate the cert :D haha... but i did commit myself to the vows... but he did not... perhaps to him, marriage cert really doesn't mean much and i focused too much on this cert by thinking it as a "guarantee" for commitment...

hi seawaves,

ya... somehow i never thought that adultery is so common till now... i used to brush off this topic as i feel that adultery is not right and human is borned with good nature except some weird cases... I think meanwhile, i can date him and see where my heart brings me to... i believe my heart will give me an answer...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Nylek,

glad that you are seeing the light. It will take time for the answers. Be at peace with your own heart and emotions regardless the outcome. Take care.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

I like you. You actually like you can wake up from a slumber. That makes you like smarter than most women...

But... what you are doing is probably just begging for lies.

Still, it's the first step to self-improvement.

Adultery is always common, my dear Nylek. God does not purposely remove the brains from women without a reason. If you are smarter, would your child have come to this world?

You'd be still hugging the wrong man if nothing has happened. And everywhere will be genetically great children of hunks and babes and with great qualities... if women actually have brains.

If I tell you directly that he's not the One... what do you think? It's true. He's not your One. I am interested in how you think. ^.^
 

hweebs

New Member
nylek,

good for you! if u go back in, make sure you have thought of all possibilities, angles and consequences. Just like the contract i was talking about earlier, determine your actions for future situations, like if he breach your trust, if he has another affair, etc. It is not about him overpromising or anything, because u are really making the contract to yourself. Honour it, and you honour yourself as a person.

If you choose to leave, honour your decision. Don't look back, don't regret.
 

star_dust

New Member
hi nylek,
i went thru the exact same thing as u did.. my hubby's affair lasted for a year while i was preg with my 2nd child. i blamed my suspicions on hormonal changes. im still angry with myself for being so stupid. for him, the issue has passed and he wants no mention of it anymore. but i still cry myself to sleep at night at times or even while driving alone.

divorce is easy to say but in reality not easy to do.. definitely more so if its not just you and hubby, but when children are involved.

i live in conflicing emotions day in and out. when hubby's not with me, im filled with an intense anger, resentment and bitterness at him. so much so that i feel so much hatred within me at when i recall the events that had transpired - he took her to hk for holiday when i was in confinement, he got me to get letters from my gynae allowing him to book out of camp during reservist but he booked out to be with her, and even took her to jb for a night. took care of her and children, even her mother!, bought clothes, and branded bags for her. when i was alone all the time, forcing myself to eat when i didnt want to eat. scrimping and saving every single cent coz our plan was for me to resign to take care of our children after my maternity. leaving me and my elder son alone when my tummy was so big that i couldnt even breathe properly, but yet still had to handle a two year old's tantrums and weight while they had great fun dancing and drinking and getting up close and cozy at ktvs and nightclubs. left me in hospital on my birthday having premature contractions while he was with her. how to forgive? how to forget? i really dont know.

when he's with me, the anger fades away and i feel a deep and abiding sorrow and sadness.. that it hurts to breathe..

and yet when he smiles at me and holds me hands, hugs or kisses me, i feel happy and contented.

i dont know if u experience the same emotions as i do, but think they are pretty much the same. how different can hurt be? itll take a long long time.. but its good that u know what u want .. ive lost energy to even think or fight.. im just going along with the flow..
 

nylek

New Member
hi stardust, spend some time to think about it... you are thinking for the sake of your own happiness and your children's happiness... a complete but unhappy family doesn't mean best for the kids... why dun you want to fight for it?

I can't answer scope guy qn above because i'm still trying to find out my own answer... still figuring things out...

and i do experience same emotions as you but perhaps not as intense as you now because i have accepted the fact and letting it go... i rather focus on whether we can still be a couple with him being faithful, if not, i will just live on with my life happier... key point is to doll up urself, build your self-esteem and confidence, and stay happy...

i started to go out with him now but i'm not letting him hold my hands or more before i finalise my decision.

if you have forgiven him, then accept the fact and let it go, don't think about it anymore cause it will only make u feel worse, positively thinking, he still chose u! Do find out the root cause of ur marriage problem and work at resolving it.
happy.gif


戴爱玲 - 对的人

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nylek

New Member
hi milo & hweebs,

thanks... now i guess the whole part about not reconciling is not about me... it's about him...
After the affair, in his mind, he feels he already apologised, made his choice, want to change, and asked me out, and what more do i want?

He's not the type who express out his feelings... but i doubt he understands the pain i went through and i doubt he fully understands what i mean when i tell him to think whether i am the one he would like to be with for rest of life or he prefers a life without me... in short, his mentality is still too immature and doesn't think far... but this is my judgement of him... i will still keep monitoring him.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Nylek, actually, its good that he is positive towards it. Only then, can the both of you work on it.

It would be virtually impossible if the 'cheater' is punishing him/herself. In such a case, its difficult. They probably cannot face or forgive themselves and feel to unworthy to even face the spouse. They would choose to punish themselves and withdraw themselves completely from the relationship and marriage.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

Don't need to answer to me. Listen to your heart, and consult social norms... and remember, this is your life, your love.

BTW, I just realise Singapore is only showing 'Letters To Juliet' come 24th June... Go watch it, and understand what you need to do.

As for me... LOL~ I have plenty of dates to entertain.

Who is the One... I think I have probably lost her forever, for this life. But that doesn't mean my heart doesn't need romance and love... and hugging a sweetheart to wonderland.

Nylek, if he is not the One, don't waste your time. You need your youth to maintain your beauty to attract and meet the One. Everyday you drag... you just prove yourself more unworthy.

Lucky for you. God has decided to wake you up early. Imagine He doing that when you are 45yo... Hohohohoho~

You should consider yourself blessed. Me too... I thought my woman was perfect, a perfect replacement for a destiny lost... LOL~ Yet given a second chance, she just can't change, she becomes worse. Don't need to hate the man, confront your feelings for him, but if he's not the One, you must search asap...

...before you are pregnant again. LOL~

No. Don't need to reply me. Consider that free consultation. Grow, and be smarter, woman...
 

hweebs

New Member
nylek,

Didn't realise that your husband is now repentant and trying hard to salvage the marriage. In that case, how about adopting a lighter mood and attitude? Live as if u have not a single trouble in the world. Live as if you have never been hurt and damaged before. In that mood, light as a feather, just accept what your husband is trying to do. Accept the gestures and moves, but do not be too quick to accept your husband. See how your heart feels, leave it to decide. If your heart says no, he is nice, but no, not anymore, then you have your answer. If your heart says yes, weigh the feeling: how yes? why yes? And once you are satisfied, you will too have your answer.

good luck!
happy.gif
 

karvna

New Member
Nylek sounds she is giving her husband her chance, otherwise she won't be sharing so much with us here.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
er, this song more suitable...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo&playnext_from=TL&videos=xrwNGre2gbA


Damien Rice - Rootless Tree

what i want from you
is empty your head
they say be true,
don't stain your bed
we do what we need to be free
and it leans on me
like a rootless tree
what i want from us
is empty our minds
we fake a fuss
and fracture the times
we go blind
when we've needed to see
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fxxx you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around

what i want from this
is learn to let go
no not of you
of all that's been told
killers reinvent and believe
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fxxx you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out...
and fxxx you, fxxx you, fxxx you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out...
it's hell when you're around
 

nylek

New Member
Hi Milo, yes... Actually he is positive about our marriage... He says he now knows he really loves me alot...

Backdate to couple years ago while we have dated for 3-4 years, he initiated a cool off period once because he doesn't know if he still loves me... He attributed the feelings loss due to meeting up v infrequently as im a person who loves my personal freedom. During then, I followed my heart and I told him I will still love him no matter what n i dun wan to let go of the r/s as I believe I am the only one who can love n care for him the most... Our cool off period lasted for 2 days n he eventually found out he love me but not sure to what extend of love... So we were back together n we did meet up more frequently...

He says due to this incident now that I left him... he realized that he does love me alot n he will never hurt me again...

Do u think he is lying or does he have a reason to lie to me?

Hi scope guy... Thanks for those advices you gave... It does brings me to a higher level of self understanding as well...

I have asked him to go watch this movie w me...
happy.gif
I hope we will both get "inspired" 

Hi hweebs, yes he is showing repentence but I do not know how remorseful he is... 

In fact I tested him that I wanted a legal agreement that should he have another affair in future, he will have to surrender 50% of Sal n give up his custody for our child... N he agreed to it...

Yes, I won't be troubled w the affair if I really goes back to him because it just makes me feel worse. But I have to learn to close one eye with his small lies... He is already habitually lying on small details such as smoking...

Hi Joseph, yes u r right... I do love him strong enough to let go of this incident for only once n now I just need a general view on whether he is truely repentent n remorseful n is he truly loving me?... Because only when he understand the pain n truly loves me then he will not inflict this same pain to me again...

Though no risk no gain, but I prefer to weigh the risk factor first... 
 

hweebs

New Member
nylek,

i like the legal part
happy.gif
but perhaps u may want to put more limits to protect yourself. Now you seem to start accepting him as a person, flaws and all, but for you to go on with him, he needs to respect you as a person. That can be done with your limits. If he respects you, he will respect your limits.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

All the best. ^.6

Very few women will reach enlightenment... I am really glad if you do.

This movie director should thank me... LOL~ I initially tried to skip this movie, but I found that this movie... is really good. I fell in love with the lead character... She's so sexy. LOL~ Elegant, sexy... and most importantly, she woke up.

She was engaged. Like many women, she tried to hang on, self-denied, the director protrayed the initial part in such funny fashion. But she eventually realised that her 'Lorenzo' has appeared, and she got to break away from having sex with her engaged (half-married) man, and she flew to Charlie.

Heart-warming.

Sometimes, who makes you happy isn't the issue. You need to meet and be together with the One and know what is the power of love, not the mundane recognition of relationship.

It's a happy ending. Even for Claire, she almost misses Lorenzo again. She's great, she sees her grandchild's love, but she doesn't see her own self in it. She almost left when she was reminded that Lorenzo would be married... that she could be a third party.

Know what is real love, my dear. And embrace it for this life of yours.

Who is the One God has for you... don't be your own goddess. Women have to realise, you have to fight for happiness and love. And most often, the fight is with themselves.

Welcome to the enlightened, Nylek.
 

nylek

New Member
Some updates:

last week, i asked my husband, why do he think he has changed...

This is his reply:
"1 asked a lot of ppl, mostly husband or father... and realized that most men change after marriage and change even more after becoming a father... Woman doesn't change after marriage however, changed after becoming a mum.

I was wrong. I did not know i have to change. After married, i thought that life can be like before, having freedom and be together w u. Soon, i start to think that I don't love you... But after losing you, I realize that I really love you alot and i want to be a good father and a husband."

So i asked him, what does it feels to realize that?

His reply was the day i left him and moved out, he realized he may lose me forever and he felt heartbrokened and shattered...
 

kittenpie

New Member
nylek, so have you left him for good or are you giving him another chance?

how does it feel to be apart from him? for me, my separation felt refreshing, like a breath of pure fresh mountain air. Freedom & Happiness!
 

nylek

New Member
May, i guess i feel heartbroken to be apart from him. I believe i love him enough to forgive him for once and i love myself alot too that i dont want to have any heart break again...

Well life is just full of risk. Being w him will definitely be a high risk and if i date other people, its another risk as well.

Im now doing what I can to let him understand the magnitude of the damages he has done to the r/s and he has to put in the effort to set things right. Only when he knows how hard it is to set things right, then he will know it's not worth to go for an affair again.

Actually i do believe that people do change...
On a background info, not sure if i can be considered a "small" cheater... My husband was a 3rd party to my very short term r/s with my ex-bf which lasted for 2 months. But things wasn't going well with my ex-bf as we don't clique well. So, i accepted my husband before having a clean break with my ex-bf. But I didn't lie. I made up my choice to leave my ex-bf few days later and stick to my choice. I felt like a complete moron for stepping on 2 boats just for that short period of time... I feel i should have a clean break with my ex before moving on to another r/s... this is a lesson learnt to me. I changed. So base on my experience, i do believe that people can change. However, in terms of moral values, i still believe my husband has lower moral values as he knew i was attached and still chased after me and now the affair. I'm not saying i'm not wrong during then but i was young and i learn my mistake.
 

kittenpie

New Member
Nylek, from your last para i can see that you are both very sensible and sensitive. but also bordering on being moralistic. it is not as if you owed that ex-bf anything and your husband did no wrong in wooing a woman with a bf. have you heard of "all's fair in love and war"? you were not married then. i believe for lots of young unmarried women out there, what you described occurred on a regular basis in their lives and find them too trivial to mention as well. but i guess everyone has her own values.

so you are still together with your husband? what is it like to continue living with him, is it awkward?
 

kittenpie

New Member
nylek, if you continue to live with him, pls ask him to go for a medical check-up and present you with the report. you must not live with him unless you are sure he has not caught some terrible STD from TOW.

pls do not excuse him from this for whatever reason (eg. voicing out this request will spoil the mood/ atmosphere/ ambience/ whatever). be firm in your request. you have the right to protect your health, futhermore, you have a baby to look after.

it will be terrible if you become one of those poor, poor women whose husbands philander and come back to spread HIV to them.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
We all change with time. Think back all these years, I am sure you would realised how much we do change. Just none of them are forced by others. It's us reacting to the situation and learning from it. We came out stronger and more confident.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

Still a confused woman. LOL~ But to be enlightened does take some time...

What has moral got to do with checking out more cards before you picked one? The only risk is you still in confusion. LOL~

Hey... relationship is not about gambling. ^.^
 

nylek

New Member
hi May, I guess i feel that it is just not right to fall in love and stray when i have a bf/husband... It's alright to like ppl but not fall in love with other ppl... i do admit i like a number of ppl for the past seven years but i don't grow and no intention to grow the feelings further.

i have not moved back with him yet as i'm not ready. Only meet up with him, go out together for dinner and walk... and no holding hands yet too because i still can't bring myself to... And yes, i have requested him to go for medical checkup even though he said it was protected sex. But i won't take any chance.

Hi milo, yes u r right... we all change. Perspectives were different then and now. And i believe he really want to change now. It's just a fear in me that's keeping me backoff...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Everything in life is a gamble, you just need to weight the odds and make the sound judgement.

Might be a good time to renew the emotions. Start dating again all over again.

I don't quite agree on the morals thingy. It only reflects differing values which is perfectly normal. I wouldn't say his is lower and yours is higher. That's the real him. Can you guys deal with the reality?
 

stanzza

New Member
Hi Nylek and Kline,

I hope you won't listen to people whom are actively crying out divorce. Until, you have seriously looked into all other alternative. It is your life.

I'm a guy. Let me share w you my exp:

A divorce, does not necessary make you happy. In every divorce, the psychological damage last an average of 3yrs before people could move on.

Even after 3yrs, there would always be time in which you feel a sudden pain and the event gets back to you. Even in re-marriage.

Many emotion cropped out when one party pops the issue. The receipent can break down and act crazily (you could research more on this topic to understand irrational behaviour of ur partner during this time), resulting the other partner to reaffirm the belief that the divorce is correct.

What I can say is that. It takes 2 party to learn in a marriage. Sometimes, one party could make mistakes. But if possible, do look into how the relationship could be strengthened and move on.

People might think divorce = situation resolved. Trust me. It is not.

Your husband is right. Many couple like myself and ex-wife didnt know that they have to change once they got married, thus resulting in many problems. Adultary sometimes could have been triggered by deeper disatisfaction.

People can changed. It takes two hand to clap though. You need to change for the better too. It is a pity that my ex-wife never did give us that chance. I was faithful to her but atlas, communication problem, sex problems, value difference.

Today I have remarried happily, but the person whom enjoyed the changed was my new wife ;)

The question is would you be willing to trust the person whom u love so deeply before again, giving him and yourself another chance to learn how to love and share your life with each other again?

Love, in marriage includes forgiveness and acceptance of your partner's flaws. If he's willing to change, why not try out that path, go for wedding consultation course etc to see how things goes.

Or would you like to go down the path of eternal hurt? Trust me, except for many abuse cases, there are many ppl whom say they are happy in divorce merely because of their ego. Deep down, they hurt like hell in their remaining yrs.

The survey is true IMO. Divorce ppl are not as happy as ppl whom stayed in a marriage.

Mine was a sad story. I could share w you details if you wish through PM.

I'm a free thinker but I wish if there's any God up there, hope they bless both of you through this.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I wonder who is crying for divorce? There is no ten yrs series. Every situation differs. Trust you? She has to trust herself to evaluate the situation.
 

stanzza

New Member
Btw, I have seen many cases of divorce woman esp with kids. They claim they are v happy and put up a very strong front, years after their divorce.

It's all ego. I see through into their eyes how deeply hurt they still are, reminded by their children of their previous marriage. Visits arrangement with the ex-husband.

It's very sad. They would insist they are happy with a straight face, hurt blood shot eye, firm but awkward smile, cold words with a steel heart.

Is this really how a real happy person say she's happy? Or is it the case that she is determined to be happy, but still yet to grapse it?

I see them trying their best to keep themselves happy by doing all sort of things to keep them momentorily happy all the time for the many years in their life.

They are not happy. But trying their best to be happy...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
it really depends why the person is divorcing for. Is it a well thought off decision towards a happier life. Picture being married to a serial wife beater cum gambler. Promised numerous times to change.

You tell me he will seriously change for real suddenly and that the wife will be miserable without him? Come on. Look at the individual context and situation. There is no generic truth. Divorce or marriage, its just a decision. There is no guarantee of happiness either way. No need to trust me or anyone. Use your logic to think for yourself.

What you said is true for folks that make decisions out of emotions rather than being truthful with themselves.
 

stanzza

New Member
Hi Serene,

After so many years. I'm happy with everything I have got, how life had been rebuilt. Hidden deep inside me though, there have always been a source of sadness. "It't didn't have to be this way" I still held...

Time have only succeeded to bury it deeper within me with each year passing by.

Like ppl said. You can forgive but not forget. Esp in a life shattering event like divorce I guess.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Stanzza,

Happiness is a state of the mind. It is a personal state of the mind although there will be influences by other people.

You seem to suggest that only in marriage can we be happy? And a divorce person is doom to misery?

You may be right that there are probably more people who "appear" to be happy when they are divorced when they are not really happy. But the reason may not be the divorce.. it could be the personal state of mind of that person.

In a divorce situation, full acceptance of it is very important before one can move forward. I can only say that people who are not happy and cannot be happy after their divorce is because they have not fully accepted the divorce and not being able to let go. But they have the ability to do so.. only that there are unwilling. It has nothing to do with divorce. Divorce is just one of the many events that can happen to our lives. Like other unfortunate events, we have to accept it fully before we can let go of its impact on us.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"It't didn't have to be this way"

further to what sm has said, in life, it isn't about making perfect decisions every time. All the what if permutations would make us crazy if we spend the time to time and regret over very decision taken. We grow and progress from our experiences. You changed after losing a marriage and learnt how to cherish your marriage now. You needed the lesson to learn. Its frustrating but that's life.

It is tragic when one doesn't learn from their mistakes. Continuing to victimize themselves. Many people dwell in their mistakes forever and placing the responsibility on others for a lifetime. Regardless their martial status, would that bring happiness?
 

simpleman

Active Member

"Time have only succeeded to bury it deeper within me with each year passing by. "


More to it. The above statement reflected your "state of mind".

Why should you bury it deeper? You should let it out so it can be gone. If you are thinking of burying it deeper and deeper - it is never going to help because one day a certain event can make it re-appear. Only when one has let it go completely - out of you - that you can be fully liberated and be "truly" happy.

Divorce for sure is a shattering event. But it is not the end of the world. We don't have to make it bigger than it really is. Feeling aggrieved and making it larger than life is self-defeating.
 

stanzza

New Member
Hi Guys,

I perfectly understood all your points and agreed to them. In fact, that was what I used to think. I'm using the same points to constantly try to convince and encourage myself now.

I wish to say though. That we are ultimately very human. I believe that those whom had experienced divorce would agree with me. In fact, some research into divorce psychology would reveal how people are being affected by it.

Like to point out that I'm not a wimp just in case there's misunderstanding. I had worked and lived in europe and aust, have an mba, doing ok in my career. I was known to be a very strong charc, resilient and determined. In fact, I am so "logical" to the point that I didn't realised how underdeveloped my emotional part was, that ultimately proved to be my downfall.

I used to think that I was invincible, strong emotionally and mentally and could take any impact etc(I have experience many high/low in my life before then). There's no difficult situation I could not handle.

But... as strong as one may think he is, when it hit you. One will realised that he is human after all. You wont understand till you experience the pain itself. I have experience life/death loses. But this went beyond that. Because after all, you must have loved your spouse deeply to marry her in the first place. I lost my wife, our love, my home which I plan and placed so much effort into, my vision in a single day.

You can't control your thoughts and emotion 100%. Otherwise you'll be a machine already. You could only try to convince yourself and move on. There's a reason why divorce psychology can identify and explain in detail the phases of emotional problem as well as damage. Because plenty of people have the same symptons. Not to mention the practical problems...

I'm trying to help ppl understand that divorce is not a lightly decision to be made. There is impact beyond it.

It is also a privilege to have the ability to make a decision. Because your partner certainly have none (whether he deserve it is another topic). The child certainly have none (he/her could not choose whether to have a complete family).

I'm not trying to prove I'm right. I just wish to let people understand before they commit, that divorce have great cost. It extend beyond signing of that legal paper. I'm really glad that Nylek seems to had made her choices to work something out for 1 more try.

By sharing I wish to help some families in this confusing and challenging time in some way. Divorce is definitely not an easy option. Is easy to sign the paper, many issues still there after that.

Sometimes, we could see there's no way out and think divorce is the only solution in the mid of confusion and emotion. It can be. But most of the time it isn't.

Ultimately of course, that it is up to individual to make their decision based on their scenario, how they want to resolve their problem.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"People can changed. It takes two hand to clap though. You need to change for the better too. It is a pity that my ex-wife never did give us that chance. I was faithful to her but atlas, communication problem, sex problems, value difference.

Today I have remarried happily, but the person whom enjoyed the changed was my new wife ;) "


they say marriage is all abt compromise, and i disagree.

of cos, it's necessary for couples to compromise and accommodate each other in order for the marriage to work. but to what extent can u CHANGE urself to SUIT ur spouse before u know u're losing urself? no gd, dun u think?

i think compatibility is more impt for a gd marriage to work, and i'm all for disgruntled spouses taking charge of their own lives instead of waiting for their not-so significant others to 'change for the better'... why stick to the wrong choice when u jolly well know that u deserve another shot at happiness?

btw, i'm glad u didn't throw away ur second chance at happiness
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
stanzza,

While I agree that divorce should not be taken lightly - it is a serious decision.. but I don't agree with the fact that just because of the difficulties and pain of divorce that we avoid it altogether.

We can't avoid making a decision because of its possible after effects. For sure it has to be a serious decision. The point should be where a non-divorce will lead us to.. and not to make a decision because of its impact.

Yes, we are human. We can feel. We are not machine. And precisely, we are stronger than we think. We can shape our future through out state-of-mind. We can overcome if we want to. And not to accept that we will be miserable forever if we divorce.


"You wont understand till you experience the pain "itself.


I don't agree at all.

I believe that those whom had experienced divorce would agree with me


Again, I cannot agree. I don't agree with your views on divorce and its impact on us although I am a divorcee myself.

Like you, I also want to help people to see that there is life after divorce. I am not advocating that people divorce the moment a problem appear in the marriage. But rather, if they have made that decision - a divorce need not be a negative thing. Not only for ourselves and even for the children of divorced couples.
 

stanzza

New Member
By the way. Thank you all for the advises and kind words. I've moved on already and I love my current wife and my current life. Although I still felt the loss sometimes haha.. I reserved the right to mourn the loss for maybe 1-2 days in a year, when it comes up =p
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Stanzza, I might not have divorce myself but gone thr my parents divorce as a young adult. I was the one the encouraged my mum to go ahead with it. And I remained her support for many yrs.

Do I regret it? In a way, yes. But, till today, I do not see how they can savage the marriage really. They needed a bridge. Someone that understand them and link the communication, cushion that emotional and pride, somehow to be the middleman. I'm capable to do so now but its too late. My dad has passed on even though he had already let go of all resentments and anger for her.

After going through all these, I still cannot come with this generic conclusion that one would definitely regret and suffer from the decision. We all make tough decisions in life. And we can survive them no matter how hard it is to shallow. There is no way to hide from reality.

Lessons we learn from the hard walk we took sometimes is necessary.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
junkie, the line between compatibility and compromising can be really grey.
happy.gif


If a couple cannot be happy together despite trying everything, no just by themselves but also exploring help for all avenues, then quite surely they are not compatible.

In other situations, a lot of it has to do more with personal views and values and how flexible they are about it. Do we place pride before the relationship etc.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
milo, the line between perseverance n obstinacy oso very fine hor :p

and stanzza,

dun be sad...

"it's love that won't work n has to be left in the past"

remember this whenever u're abt to mourn for ur loss...

all the best
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
There are indeed many "grey" areas. A decision is a decision. Even a decision made "wrongly" - is still a decision. Regret over the decision is also no use.

Life is too short and transient... while we have it, we shall cherish what we have.

Is OK to mourn if you feel the need to. Just don't let it affect you too much.
 



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