Husband strayed - How should i move on?

nylek

New Member
We were together for 7.5 years and married 1.5 years ago... had a son 3.5 months old now...

He has an affair w his ex-colleague which lasted 3 months before i exposed him of his deeds on early May and move back to my parent's home. Tell-tale signs were obvious then but i chose to ignore my woman's intuition and blindly believe in him.

After i moved back home, he did came over and plead for forgiveness and wanted me to go back. Now, do he deserve a second chance?

Btw, he has confessed that during our courtship, he also have the intention/opportunity to strayed w a married woman but he did not do so.

Reasons he gave for his affair:
1. Communication breakdown
2. His dad passed away
3. Changed new job therefore stress
4. Newborn coming soon, stress too
5. Brother medical condition worsen
6. Felt neglected by me

Did he breakup w TOW immdly?
No... he loved her amd she was threatening suicide thus couldn't broke up w her so directly because he wants to soften the impact, hence while he was pleading for forgiveness on one-side, at the other end, he was messaging her w intimate messages on whatsapp for sometime before they stopped communicating. Knew this because i paid her a visit w/o husband knowledge

TOW:
She has been to my wedding, seen me heavily pregnant, spoken to me on several occasions... wonder what's wrong w her... not that i'm blaming her totally but it takes 2 hands to clap... can't understand ppl nowadays. But it was my husband who courted her...

How i was treated during the affair:
He paid no attention to me and put me as almost last priority when i was heavily pregnant till i gave birth and during confinement till i finally left him... His first priority was her, second job, third baby, then me ba...
He will spend most of his leisure time w her and just neglect me n bb. I would say he is 90% heartless to me, the other 10% of him will ask if i want supper, ask what im doing and whether i have eaten.

Do I still love him?
Yes... i'm a human and i put in effort to love him or fall in love w him every morning but maybe i didn't put in enough effort/affections to make him love me enough...

Does he still loves me?
He claims to realize he loves me alot...

Is he patching up due to external factors?
I'm suspecting so...
1. Family pressure
2. Friends pressure
3. Baby
4. Pride (Obvious that this must be infidelity case if wife wants a divorce after giving birth)

Is he still in contact w her?
I give him the benefit of doubt. No he's not

What's next?
Resolve communication breakdown issue w me, which actually the main problem lies within him... he doesn't communication effectively and auto-shutdown or brush off me when i try to resolve conflicts amicably.
After these events, i'm no longer blinded by love and starts to see his flawed character... I used to put in an excuse for his flawed character and view it as positive instead.
I asked him to be honest and tells me my character flaws too and i'm now accepting and learning to change for the better.

Serial Liar..
He's a serial liar even until now... full of white lies until now... downplay his affair details and it took me one month to slowly ask n understand more... in his opinion, if he view it as white lies, he doesn't feel guilty about telling one... However I'm an honest person and i dislike telling any lies so i do not need to lie further to cover up the first lie.

Why do I need to know about his affair:
I need to understand the intensity and the risk (unprotected sex - maybe she may get pregnant - maybe he contracted std... 0.001% is also a possibility esp i dunno her previous sexual partner)

What to do next?
I don't know... confused... no longer can i trust him > 50% and i think it's harmful for my mental health...
Even if i can forgive him and move on, my mental health will suffer as i will be thinking where he is and what he is doing all the time. I see divorce as a good way to just let go... if he is really sincere after divorce, we can be together again in future... i believe in if we are meant to be together, we will be together...

His promises:
He knows how terrible the consequences is after this and promised he will never step out of line again. He also agreed to change his character flaws...

My take:
Now we have only hit the tip of iceberg in our marriage, life will only get stresser day by day... if he can strayed now, i don't see why he can't stray in future...

Appreciate some good advices here...

Thanks
 


kittenpie

New Member
Nylek,

sounds like you are doing relatively well. you sound rational, able to think through issue step by step and you seem to be coping well emotionally. good for you, i say!

no. 1 priority now is YOUR health. you need to be in good shape to deal with whatever comes. go to a doctor immediately and have a check-up.

i have ever heard of a horror story from a social worker friend about a young married woman with small children going astray and committing adultery. she caught HIV from her adultery partner and very literally went insane. extra-marital dalliances risk bringing the parties involved and their spouses STD. you are a smart lady to realise the risks you are being exposed to here. in this forum here, not many women pay attention to this aspect, but you do, so it shows that you are much ahead in your ability to foresee problems.

as for whether to stay with this man, i think the answer is very clearly NO, right? your post has analysed everything so well. you said yourself you will go crazy if this continues. what remains to be done is quite obvious.

all this qn about whether you have loved him enough is useless. the fact is that the relationship has gone haywired, what does it matter who did right or wrong now.

take care of yourself and your baby.
 

nylek

New Member
hi May,

Yes. I'm coping well and i'm very surprised by my ability to keep calm and think all the way... I'm v lucky to have supportive family and friends as well... What doesn't kills me makes me stronger ba...

Well... i'm very safe as we have not done "anything" since his affair started..

I guess you are right... most of my friends said i already had the answer, but i'm just going denial on daily basis... However rationale a person I am, i'm still a human who wants a good r/s with a complete family...
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"I see divorce as a good way to just let go... if he is really sincere after divorce, we can be together again in future"

rite, and provided u still keen to take him back :p

joke asides, i think u hv a pretty cool head... u know what u want and that's gd
happy.gif

u can definitely do better without him. he's the weakest link.
 

kline

New Member
I am too in the mist of sorting my thoughts.

I feel that a seperation for a while would be good to decide if you want to stay or leave.

Many people told me that most people who choose to leave regrat it. They normally realise that they acted out of pride or were to rash.

As for me I am having a very hard time staying on. I tend to compare how I am treted now vs when were dating and at the 1st few years of marriage. I also compare the initiative he took to do staff for that ktv china girl vs how he will just take me for granted because I will just settle all my problems myself.

It is a very painful journey to stay on. But I am also very afarid I will regrat the divorce.

Take your time and think about it. It's a good thing that your parents are aware. For me everything is still hush hush, I am all alone.
 

leibit

New Member
Hi Nylek,

It's good that u have supportive family and friends. They will help to keep u sane, while at the same time help u to figure out ur life. U mentioned u hv a young child...will u hang on to a marriage for the sake of ur child? Or do u see these as separate issues? Some of us will hang on to a marriage, for the sake of our children. But then, it takes 2 hands to clap in a relationship and family.

Some questions u may want to ponder upon....

1. U view ur hb as a serial liar, will u be able to accept his constant lying in the family?

2. After this affair and ur years of relationship with him, how do u view him as a person? Do u still respect him for the way he handles his life and affair?

3. U said u still love him. After what u've discovered and realised about him, his character flaws, his affair etc, do u think u still want his love? And do u understand his definition of 'love'?

4. If u opt for divorce, and regret, what's the part u will be regretful about? Would u have done a different thing if u think u can't handle the regret u feel later on in ur life?

5. If u don't opt for divorce, and he's bent on changing himself for the sake of u and child, that will be good. But if his character flaws still remain, how would u feel?

Asking these questions, as sometimes, it isn't love that will sustain the marriage. It's ur tolerance level and how far he can try his luck on u. For me, Question 3 is something I don't really understand about 'love' -- his so-called love for me and wanting to love me, after all his strings of affairs (apart from his hanky-panky stuffs with masseurs).

Hope u give urself some time to think about ur marriage and the life ahead of u. If u know ur plan, go ahead with it, be it whether u want to remain in this marriage or out of it.

Cheerios
happy.gif
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"After these events, i'm no longer blinded by love and starts to see his flawed character... I used to put in an excuse for his flawed character and view it as positive instead.
I asked him to be honest and tells me my character flaws too and i'm now accepting and learning to change for the better."

You have pretty much reflected and realized the selection was flawed in the 1st place. Not sure if you really needed advises or rather reassurances of your decision. Life goes on regardless. Humans are emotional, anyone can fall in love. You can work on the push factors but the pull factors doesn't go away. If he is always drawn by the pull, then he has a major struggle to deal with. If he seriously want to reflect and improve, he needs to realize his issues and take responsibility to deal with it. You cannot be his watchdog, it only strain the relationship and trust.

About the lying... its really subjective.
"However I'm an honest person and i dislike telling any lies so i do not need to lie further to cover up the first lie." Things are greyer than our basic simple principles in life. One has to be flexible to look at the situation. White lie or not, one has to also look at the intent. Looking at it from another perspective, is your strong opinion about lies giving him the impression that you cannot handle the truth? Often, a serial lier don't plan all their lies, its intuitive. Like how a kid would reactively say "NOT ME". Because its intuitive, one needs to address the 'conditions' and 'environment' that need to the reoccurring need to lie.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Although you seem to be on the rational road, I can sense the uncertainty in you. And it is not surprising. It is very difficult at times to know what we really want.. in light of the affair.

But treat it as a wake-up call. It is a chance for you re-evaluate your relationship.

And since you are not even sure, why divorce? Divorce is needed when it is final.. when there is nothing in the relationship for you to hold on.

I would advice just separate for a while. It may be just a week or two to get away from each other to straighten out thoughts.. or it could be a more permanent separation of living apart.. There is danger though that after separation, everything will go downhill.

The other alternative is to really communicate and work together to resolve all issues. If you really want to re-build the relationship, you need to forgive him and trust him. And he needs to behave in ways that will reinforce your trusts. Both of you need to work together.

And please don't

" i believe in if we are meant to be together, we will be together... "


Every relationship needs hardwork. it is not a given. There is no such thing as fated to be together will be together without both of you working at it.
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
Hi Nylek, I agree with milo n simpleman's view. They do give fair logical advice while being kind n sensitive to TS emotions.

I think its healthier for u not to leave hope for the future. Take some time off by urself to rest n let ur tots n action plan be certain.
 

nylek

New Member
Hi junkie, u r rite... He is already a weakness of mine... I will always be soft hearted to him unless my heart completely die...

Hi care, yes... Must think it through carefully... I dun want to have any regrets in my life hence I have not completely ascertain my decision... 

Hi leibit, it's hard not to consider bb in my options... 

1. I can't accept serial lying... Honesty and openness is a v impt need for me.
2. I find him dirty n immoral. I think he handled the situation v badly... If I am really the priority in his life or if I am really so impt, He should reflect more often on himself instead of going rws, mahjong w frens n even intend to plan short holidays w frens... 
3. I asked him how he define... He used to think love is to be shared now he says love is committing to one person only... I'm confused if I still want his love or can't let go of the r/s
4. I'm afraid I will regret not giving the  marriage one last chance n wat if he really did change for better? If he did change to b a good husband n father n do not have affair later on in life, I will want to continue this r/s.
5. If his char flaws remains, it's hard to b together... Basically, he doesn't communicate effectively n is immature can't go into parenthood or married man lifestyle. I won't want him.

Hi Milo, yes I agree was a selection problem... I failed to see it last time... But now I have gone so far, I wonder should I give him a chance? Will leopard mature n change his spots?

I actually asked him if I am willing to give it a try, can he agree that if things don't work out or eventually he has an affair again (he die die say he won't do it again), he won't fight w me for my child custody, he agreed w it...

Perhaps is my strong opinion on honesty hence he needs to intuitively lie to me...

Hi sm, we have been staying apart for 1.5 months... My emotions started w rage & anger to depress to calm n thinking stage but wasn't able to enlighten myself which route to take... I think I'm slightly vengeful as well but I'm suppressing it... No point doing more things that doesn't benefit me... I tried v hard trying to forgive n find reasons for his infidelity but in end I always remind myself how heartless he is when I :
1. Was heavily pregnant n he start dating her and while in past he would fetch me fr work instead of letting me squeeze train n bus... But he would always call or SMS me to check where I m or if I reached home.
2. Went to watch a movie alone on cny day two because he want to go to her house n refuse to bring me alone even when I know his ex colleagues. He also SMS me to check how I'm doing n tell me to be careful.
3. Rather go out w her than to come to my parents place after work to pick me home after my confinement. In end my parents send me home. 
4. I cried and beg him for weeks to take 2 days leave to accompany me after i move back w him. I try negotiate w him till half a day he also refuse. He explained that he was really v busy w work at that point of time
5. He used his off day to go 3 holidays w her n basically dun bother to spend time w me n I only got him spending a total of 2 days w me n bb after staying w him for 1 month. He says he was too guilty to see n talk to me during then.

I wonder are guys really so heartless and don't think while having affair? Or is he really a real jerk being so horrible to me?

I agree marriage need hardworking... Let me rephrase my meaning above. If he puts in enough effort n sincerity n if i see it n work hard w him, we may be together in future... Right now I dun see/feel much sincerity except getting SMS such as I miss u, morning dear, I dun wan a divorce, I love u... To me if someone impt wants to leave me, I wouldn't just sit there n send SMS only... Can I judge sincerity this way? But I'm the one telling him to stay away fr me previously.

Hi Evon, my emotions are quite unstable. Yesterday I hope to reconcile, today I hope to divorce, tomorrow I hope to reconcile... I dun really know what I want n now I have reach the stage whereby I dun even know if I still love him... But I feel heartache when I tell him I want a divorce... I can't b sure the heartache is for losing a loved one or just someone close to me.. I'm falling out of love w him everyday now...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
emotions are as such. there are highs and lows. Don't rush. Recovery will take time. Until you have cleared your mind and know what you really want, don't rush for a decision. Take time for yourself. Go for shopping, spa or anywhere to relax alone to really allow your emotions to stablise.
 

jaslynn

New Member
Hi Nylek

After reading ur post... If i will to put myself in ur shoes. this is my view... (FYI, i'm someone cannot accept lie from someone i will share the bed with. Other ppl i dun care.)

1. Serial Liar!!! I will smack him on the head like playing basketball!! Seriously, i will!!! [my SO use to be a liar, white liar (small matter), i smack the lie right on his head. n i tell him right in his ear no lie if wan to be tgh, not a single one.] Sorry i won't accept a single liar between a couple. What more Serial liar! And ignore when u are heavily pregnant, dating other when u are pregnant with his baby. Sorry i can't forgive that.!

2. Spend time with the woman when u needed him by ur side. He is seriously not worth it anymore. Throw him into the sea and the shark eat him up, u also shouldn't feel sad for him.

3. SMS to wife? Sorry but to ask, are u just a friend to him? Or are u just his mistress? Sms will do??

4. Communicate is impt between human... He dun communicate effectively, no matter how hard u try the r/s won't work.. 1 hand can't clap!

5. Dun trust what a serial liar SMS to u. IF he is sincerely, he will appear infront of u. Even u pour water at his face, he will still be standing there asking for ur forgiveness. Cos what he did to u, are double the hurt a normal woman receive (cos u are pregnant at the time he did it).


Seriously if u ask me what to do, I will tell u: please dun think too much about reconcile with him. Now the impt things to do:

1. Are u back to work?

2. So baby will follow u, if u ending the r/s with him?

3. Stable ur emotions. U hv ur family and friends standing by u. U hv to be strong, for the sake of urself, family n friend, n ur baby!

4. Slowly cut the communication with him, if u can't do it now. I understand it hurt to let go of a r/s, heartache for losing someone u loved alot. But if u dun let go, this nightmare will hunt u as long as u are still with him. U will keep worry when he going to stay stray again, am i right? Ask urself, If he ever do it again, can u take the blow? Will u be even more hurt the b4? Ask urself again, he really love u and wan u be there with him, walking hand in hand till old? Or just that he dun wan to divorce?


I agree to what other forumer had said. But i will advise u not to drag the issue too long, the longer u drag, the more ur imagination run wild. I'm not ask u to divorce him now but weight the good n bad urself.


If u really want to give him another chance, and duno what to do, meet him out. Listen to what he hv to say with an open heart n mind, let him speak all he had to say. U just listen, any question u hv for him, ask him after he had said whatever is in his heart/mind. Then u think it through, then make ur decision. No pt making urself wonder so much alone, and run ur imagination wild! Is not good for ur health.....
 

infojunkie

Active Member
one thing's for sure, it will never be the same again...

oh nylek, u know what u want
happy.gif


u just need to summon enuff courage to execute it.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
jaslynn, u r not being realistic with your expectation of no lies. Look at the content and intent not some rule book to smack your partner's head with. And the way you speak of throwing the person in the ocean to feed sharks without emotions reflects the childishness in you.
 

kittenpie

New Member
1. Was heavily pregnant n he start dating her and while in past he would fetch me fr work instead of letting me squeeze train n bus... But he would always call or SMS me to check where I m or if I reached home.
2. Went to watch a movie alone on cny day two because he want to go to her house n refuse to bring me alone even when I know his ex colleagues. He also SMS me to check how I'm doing n tell me to be careful.
3. Rather go out w her than to come to my parents place after work to pick me home after my confinement. In end my parents send me home.
4. I cried and beg him for weeks to take 2 days leave to accompany me after i move back w him. I try negotiate w him till half a day he also refuse. He explained that he was really v busy w work at that point of time
5. He used his off day to go 3 holidays w her n basically dun bother to spend time w me n I only got him spending a total of 2 days w me n bb after staying w him for 1 month. He says he was too guilty to see n talk to me during then.

================================================
Nylek, i sympathise with you. i have a question for you. is having people feel sorry for you what you want? or do you want to be a healthy, happy person who is worthy to share joy with others, not misery?


he repeatedly humiliated you, and you are still swinging between "shall i divorce" and "shall i reconcile?" sometimes victims are the ones who cheapen themselves, not the aggressor. you wonder whether he will change. this is futile thinking over something you have no control over. hope is suppose to liberate you, not imprison you. is there substance in your hope, or just a whole lot of wishful thinking?


do you need him to start being physically violent with you in order for you to end the relationship? sometimes i think men start being physically violent, because their wives adamantly cling onto the relationship despite the men having demonstrated through their behaviour that they do not want the marriage anymore. may i ask, has your husband demonstrated through his behavior (ignore his verbal cues, it is the behavior that count) that he doesn't want you anymore?


for me, self-respect is most important. even if my heart hurts, i will still want to leave. i want to be able to respect myself, and that means i have to get rid of a husband who does not respect me.


give yourself a timeline with action plan. you cannot let this drag on indefinitely.


pls take good care of your health and your baby.
 

simpleman

Active Member
nylek,

You are so unsure of yourself. And he is playing his part to confuse you.

Like my advice to you.. but you are not listening. You can take the first step - that is to separate from him. Let him feel your absence.. and let you feel is absence.

Don't even bother to read or reply to his SMS. Try it for a while.. If he is serious about you, he will do something. Else, you don't have to think about divorce.. separate and with time, divorce will follow naturally..
 

whereto

New Member
hi nylek,
Yes when men are with TOW, they were nice to them ,cos they were in love and quite mean to the wife during that time, this happens to me, even when my baby arrive, he took a look and hurried back to office cos he need to msn with her.
I am still very suspicious of him every now and then. If you are like me, u will have no trusted totally. It can drive you crazy at times.
And only you know how he will prove his sincerity.
but is he a leopard who wont change his spot?
my husband still goes online and chat girls up (I so given up on his this habit, I could only tell myself if I found out anything again, I will leave for sure, YES for sure)
 

jaslynn

New Member
Milo: I think everyone hv diff expectations in life.
Yes no doubt ppl lie... I rather the guy keep quiet or if not just speak the TRUE. Lies are always covering 1 after another. So this make a pro liar.

Yes I dun feel sorry for saying that... not I dun hv emotion. But y should I feel sorry for some1 who dun respect n care abt the pregnant lady? 10 mth pregnancy is not easy at all.

U may say I childlish, but I know what is needed to maintain a marriage. And self respect is impt to me, if u dun love urself n respect urself, will other respect u?
1. Honestly
2. Respect
3. Commitment
4. Trust (withot the above where come the trust)
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Interesting point you spoke about accepting silence but not lies. If he cheats and keep mum about it. Is it any diff with lying? And would you like a partner that reports everything to you? All the details about his mum comments? We all exercise some level of filtering and white lies. Honestly, you know there are circumstance that would lead to it. There is no rule. Look at the situation, understand why a person would do what he did than use some principle you breathe like gospal. Principles are great guidelines but its application completely dynamic. I am not against your principles but I question your straight forward application with relevance to practical real situations.

While you think you know how to maintain a marriage. You are literally using violence smacking his head. I pity him. What on earth is he tolerating all these kind of treatment for. What a whimp.. I don't believe anyone should be treated with such abuse by their spouses. You don't need to feel sorry over what u said but learn to respect your partner. He is not some kid and u r not his mother.

Smacking him will teach him how to cover his lies better. The fiercer u get, the more he fears telling you. Also, respect is earned, trust is build. Not demanded through force.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Hi Nylek,

I have been reading your case for sometime...

After all these exchanges with the kind forumers here...

May I know... ...

So what are you going to do about it? LOL~
 

jaslynn

New Member
LOL... u get my smack wrong.... my smacking is not real smack... just throwing the lie back to him with the true.

His mum comment - silence will win everythings.
Lie abt the problem/topic, either the true will surface now or later. Nv ask him to report everythings, but at least honest abt the words that come out from the mouth.

But i mean smacking the serial liar, is the true things i will do.

Well... i think enough abt my personal view.

this thread is not abt my view. is abt Nylek. Let not go off topic.
 

hweebs

New Member
nylek,

if you are really sick and tired of the cheating etc, but is reluctant to let go (not prepared to let go), you may want to set up a conditional agreement/ contract to state your limits with him. E.g. the contract states that you will try out the relationship with him for a limited time (e.g. 6 months), and he must satisfy conditions such as not be in intimate relationships with other non-related females, must spend at least 2 hours interacting or doing something with you everyday (non-negotiable except in emergencies) and other criterias that you want. Then if the criteria is not met, you have a reason to satisfy yourself for the decision to leave him.

All these may sound very cold and technical, why put love into a contract? What I am trying to get you to do here is to crystallize your needs and conditions you require in order to continue investing in this relationship. But you must be true to yourself, and be ready to commit to your contract. If he breaks your terms, end it. If you give him another chance, you are cheating and abusing yourself.

Hope it helps!
 

kittenpie

New Member
the conditional agreement is a good idea, hweebs. must set timeline and deadline to these sort of things or else will drag indefinitely
 

vios

New Member
best plan is free outgoing calls in addition to the commonly-known incoming calls...

meaning, the new telco is at your beck and call. don't have to take on more of the stupid rubbish from the old one.
 

vios

New Member
meaning, the new telco will deal with any form of crapshit, particularly from the old contact?

that's really considerate.
 

nylek

New Member
Hi milo... Yes human emotions are complex n woman is double the complexity...

Hi jaslynn... I used to have the same mentality thinking I will divorce my husband straight away. But when it really happened on myself unexpectedly... I really dunno wat to do... I'm a positive planner n I have plan A, B & C for my future w my husband but I didn't plan for plan D.. He did attempted many times to ask me out but I refused to. I asked my friends how can he b so heartless to me during then... Some friends tell me he is enjoying his time outside so he dun really think about me or rather refuse to think about me... 

Hi junkie, I'm still unsure... Heart tells me I love him... Mind tells me to take my life decisions cautiously. 

Hi may, he is not a violent person... We usually talk amicably n seldom even shout at each other during quarrels. Yes I agree self respect is important n i dun wan to indulge in self pitying too. I need a solution which I will not regret n this will make me a happy person as I have lived my life to fullest wo regrets, however, life ain't that simple as we will often face regrets even in our small decisions...

Hi sm, yes... I'm unsure of myself... However fr since may till now I stand firm telling him that I love him but I am going to divorce him in order to move on from this event.

Hi scope guy, Im not sure yet.... So far I told him I am getting a divorce as an answerable closure to myself... If he ask me out, I will be able to date w him as we already have a closure n we will start afresh... We will lose our flat which will b ready in months, we will have to stay apart n he will not b able to stay w bb in bb growing up year, however, this will let him fully feel how painful a divorce is mentally n how expensive it is. If he still chase me back after divorce, then I will have more confidence in making the marriage works. I know this may sound dumb to many ppl that I'm "punishing" myself w him but it is the rightful punishment that he deserves, all for the sake of building a healthier long term marriage. Also, it gives me a chance to observe him once again, w his promises to change for better, before deciding if he can b my life partner again.

Hi hweebs & may, I did consider this but I think he will put on his 200% best behaviour... So I didn't decide on this solution. But I did mentioned to him that even if we get back together, I dun wan him to fight w me for my child custody, I expect him to change to put bb n me as priority, I expect to manage his finances, etc and he agreed w all of it... Is he overpromising?

Yesterday, we just went out together to rws as a family, three of us... I tried to b normal as much as possible except I dun hold his hand anymore, no more physical touch... I was really v happy cause this was so far the first planned family outing... Something which follows my life plan as I used to envisioned about...
 

dimpxtt

New Member
the dark shadow of the affairs will still b there........
next time quarrel.....sure bring it out.....

if u can stand on ur own......b brave and have ur own dignity....
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

Nice you know it's dumb. Dimpxtt did say something right, when your love is only to that extent, this is a shadow that will be always there... and it will resurface again during disputes and you are back to square one.

Your punishment seems to me merely your way to give yourself excuses or trying to be back into control of the game again.

Dear Nylek, I can promise you heavens... will you come to me after your lesson? And... how painful is only an issue if the guy truly loves you. Your entire focus is on the other women... Usually woman's self-denial, you tell yourself if he behaves and you'd forgive and forget...

But your focus of love illustrates an unhealthy understanding of love, and you might convince yourself to have forgiven him in future, but you will not forget... and it could be tormenting. If you can forget, you won't really need to go a big round having a divorce and wanting another ROM with the same guy. LOL~

As both of you grows older, you'd become only sexually less attractive. It sounds cruel, but it's a fact that... on your side, love is already whacked, on his side... you'd suspect he'd have another women again... especially when you look yourself in the mirror when you are 40yo...

This cannot be helped.

If this is not the One... if your love is only to that extent, you might be happier being free...

Marriage is only a legal issue... The main issue is still are both of you ready to handle a relationship of man and woman. If still needs time to mature, perhaps without a marriage or such label, love can be cultivated better.

You can go ahead and divorce. But you should examine the root problem, which is... even when it comes to the next new man... man is man, Nylek. You can only decide for yourself to be exclusive, not for the man; nor can the man decide for you, but himself.

Do you love him? Is it real love? Can your relationship hold till death? Will your love is only to the extent that another woman can just simply tear it apart...

Nor other woman nor death... shalt true love be stopped. The problem may be also with you. Do you truly love your man?
 

nylek

New Member
Hi dimpxtt, I agree that the affair will always be in our memories... But look at it this way, whether we split or reconcile, I will eventually need to accept this fact n move on... No pt dwelling on it...

I have no prob being w/o him... Financially independent now... But I dun want to look back one day and think what if we reconcile, we will be happy n have a couple more kids? It's hard to find someone whom u love wholeheartedly...

I also dun want to reconcile w him cause I dun wan to be hurt again. Or if I really reconcile, I would have put up all preventive measures for such a thing to happen again.
 

nylek

New Member
Hi Scope Guy,

I think you misunderstood me as how far i love my husband... To some, love means to be able to forgive and forget... unconditional love... But in my perspective, love between spouses should only be exclusively to each other...

i'm going to get a divorce not for the other woman... it's for myself and him... otherwise, why would i bother to contact my husband and still go out w him? this punishment is to let him taste all the bitterness in divorce, seriously, i believe that those who been through divorce will not want a divorce again. I know my husband did realize he do loves me alot too... so next question is if i love him so much and he loves me alot too, why do i not want a patch and make things work?

If a patch is done easily, lessons will never be learnt and he may fall back to it again thinking that "im let off so easily and i can do it again"... if i divorce him and he still wants to be with me, it does meant something.

True that when we grow old 40+ yr old, there will be many temptations around... but if this event taught him well, he will understand that love is exclusive...

and fyi, the other woman is average or below average in looks and figure. I'm actually rather attractive as i get comments of ppl telling me i'm pretty or just call me pretty gal... so to speak, the 40 yr old fear doesn't arise cause he did fall for someone below average and older than me...
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

You can try. Why not? But I doubt it'd go well. ^.6

From what you replied, I can honestly tell you... you don't know man and you are trying to take control of what you don't understand. It'd be a gamble.

You know this woman: Surname Princess, name Diana... She was much prettier than her husband's affair? So what?

You know already you are pretty and your husband goes around having sex with other less pretty women... the point is not you are pretty, hence it doesn't matter when you are 40yo and uglier... The point is, even when you are pretty he'd do it... what if you are so much less sexually attractive.

Fatal mistake.

You should go with your heart, and stop thinking about what exclusiveness. Whether you drag or he drags will not be healthy. And you may have more kids as a result for a... broken family, and actually it's nothing, but for women in general, you'd feel bad about it.

Love... I think you and your husband would need more time to understand it's not 'unconditional' love. Love is love, my dear pretty babe.

So... a divorce is a divorce, it's a gamble... of whether he'd take you back. So what he takes you back and you feel more secured?

Just as Dimpxtt said, one tiny quarrel and you'd be back to square one. And when you are less attractive, there will be no more rein on him. Or at least, you could feel hopeless later on in life when you 'expired'.

I understand what you are talking about... Some girls, one especially, approached me before and they thought they can rein me probably because they are pretty... LOL~

Point is, only real love can hold a relationship. Which is why you'd need the One. I am afraid to tell you that when I read your case and your replies to others... You have a personality that I think... you'd need to learn seriously from this lesson.

You are trying to teach him a lesson... when Mother Nature is backing him up. LOL~

Hweebs said she'd look for someone not handsome... so that he'd be like exclusive. LOL~

I said before, usually that backfires. Because if your man looks doing well enough, competition will come and an ugly man will be much lesser immune to babes' attention. Paradox of trying to be safe.

In love, always never cheat your heart. Sometimes, the simplest decision could be the most toughest.

Trying to be exclusive finding a poor ugly or average man is ridiculous, because man is man, the dick functions the same way in every biology textbooks EVERYWHERE. Only the One is special.

I hope you understand, I am not trying to be offensive or argue with you... No incentive to. Relationship is NOT a decision. Realise it now, before you drag on. If you think you can punish and set the rules... Thing could really go well for some time... until you are confronted with reality... and he's bringing a young babe to your bedroom even.

Temptations are always around... I can only take you this far, Nylek. The rest you'd have to experience life to understand what I am driving at.

Do not try to exclude or include with a mortal understanding and any lesser love. Love is love. Fate will decide. Just enjoy the romance stories you are blessed with...

Do not use divorce as a punishment. Marriage is only a paper. Love attracts, punishment deters.

My Dad tried to financially controlled me once when I was young... I did not become more obedient... Instead, I ended up having my own cache of reserves. LOL~ And I don't think I like Dad doing it. Your intention may be good, but...

Love is love, my dear.
 

nylek

New Member
Hi Scope Guy,

Thanks... i understand your points above. But naturally i'm not a guy hence I cannot understand a guy thus i'm here seeking opinions...

i disagree with the stereotyping that being the hurt spouse will always bring up the past events in quarrels. If i really reconcile and move on, why would i want to bring it up and further remind him of her esp during quarrels? does it benefit the r/s when remind him of the guilt? or does it bring him to think that she is still better? He's not an open book so i don't know and i won't try that for sure. But I will eliminate everything that will bring him memories of her and work hard in giving him more memories of me.

i can act silly in front of him, i know how to praise him to make him happy, but now, i cannot figure out, is it worth to do all these for him now? i used to be doing all these for him till i was pregnant and become more needy... psychiatrist says its the sudden reverse of roles hence he may be neglected. But we all have ups & downs in our lives and at different chapter in our lives we will become more needy or less needy. if he doesnt learn to accept life changes more readily, he will always fall back...

yes, im teaching him, in fact treating him as a kid to teach him... since young, we did something wrong, we apologise and learn... if it's bigger mistake, we not only apologise but we get punishment and learn a harder lesson. But apologies and punishment is not the end of lesson, it should come with a reasoning of what went wrong n why n consequences n how to prevent same mistake from happening again...

I do agree that i will need to learn from this lesson... i am now constantly accepting more critics on my personality and always remind myself to improve my own personality.

pardon me for saying this and certainly no offence, ur dad tries to control you, however, i guess he failed to do so because he did not do it in a correct way... he did not understand you...
 

simpleman

Active Member
nylek, At first you said you are not sure. Now you said you are going to divorce him.. So are you sure or not?

If you are already sure, what have you done about the divorce? Contacted a lawyer? Or it is just a thought about divorce and nothing else?

That is why at the very outset, I told you, you don't have to make any decision about divorce right now - because as I can see, you are not sure. If you are not sure, why not, as I said, just separate. It is not a punishment for him to taste the medicine of eventual divorce... it is the time and space for you two to think and feel about the relationship.

If after separation, and there is no feel to be together again, the separation will be real. Divorce is just the legal process.. it will follow logically.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Nklek,

the advises given make a lot of sense. You cannot literally teach him the lesson. He needs to pick up the lesson himself. Until a time he really learns and gives you enough confidence in him again, you will never trust him. Trust and emotions cannot be created. No point holding on to something that is already lost thinking there is someway to correct it with your actions. If he comes back on his own freewill and fights to win you back with sincerity, then you know for sure, he has learnt his lessons. You cannot create this 'classroom' with your punishments to house him in to teach him.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Milo is right. You can't teach him. He has to learn on his own.

And even so, if he has learnt his lesson, it does not mean he will not fail again. It is just that he may become better..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
You are married for 1.5 years only. Your divorce application will not be entertained by the court. So, you might as well think what you want to do next, between now and the time when you can apply for divorce.
 

scope_guy

New Member
Nylek,

Well... My Dad doesn't understand about his son, he assumed too much. LOL~ But a Dad is still a Dad. My parents are super difficult. The reason why I am still so wild is really because I deserve my freedom.

What? You really think they can financially constrict me? Do it once, and I'd make sure no second time. I leave money all over the world... If siblings fought for inheritance and go ugly... ...

I am not exactly critical about your personality. Every personality has nice strengths and mean weaknesses; Such as me, I seek the highest attainment of wisdom and love... but that gives us a big gap in communication. I seek to be blunt to confront the truth, but that makes me looking also very offensive; but that'd also make me extremely effective in a management position.

And being pretty blunt, means I am more or less a nice guy in real. But also, many ordinary girls prefer pretenders. LOL~

So for me, I am not critical, I am just pointing out what personality you got and what you need to know to prepare for. I still think you are too focused on the other women... enough for you to affect your decision with your man. See?

Let's just face it.

Since you ask, you'd get to know more. LOL~

You know the thing about quarrels... It's usually a quarrel becos things got extremistic, or you cannot tahan, he insists and you push on and you suddenly cross the line... It's not stereotype because of all those whys and hows... Only rational minds talk about whys and hows, not when two angry heads try to cheong.

My dear Nylek, ask me one question: What is the reason that I should have sex with (say) an auntie when I could choose Eva Mendes?

It's like trying to punish a drug addict hoping he won't go sell his mother for more drugs without tending to the root problems.

It's ok you don't understand man; it's not ok if you hence set your own rules, because ultimately speaking, you only hinder yourself. The most stupid thing a woman can do is to try to decide exclusiveness for a relationship when there are two; and the man may not be her One.

So while the man can subsequently ditch her... when she's (eg) 60yo, the woman only exclude herself from reaching her happiness. LOL~

Hope you really understand what I am driving at because if you have to learn it through life... you may have to learn it the hard way, and you may have reached a point of waking up to no more second chance.

Women, after all, seek the joy from the hearts.

Everyone is talking about serial liars... at least many are talking about it in this forum. LOL~ How many women, however, are not cheating their hearts? I am not trying to attack Hweebs or Ling...

Ling told us, she had one who touched her in the heart and she was attracted to... yet she married someone else whom she now labelled a nerd, and she's... so unhappy now. Hweebs doesn't understand about the myth of 'safer' to choose ugly man.

If say... Jack Neo and Scope. The one who'd resist Wendy Chong conveniently will be Scope. In fact, I'd never pick Wendy because... she's not up to my standard yet. It's the same biological dick with ugly or not ugly men... I am not handsome, btw. But it's just about the choice... But with ugly men, their exposures to babes are much worse... and that makes them susceptible to the lure of any 'private parts'.

See? But that's how naive women think when they choose like that. Jack will have sex with Wendy, I won't. But Hweebs will choose and 'explore' Jack if she thinks that way... When the fact is Scope will be the one who will successfully resist Wendy easily.

Just to illustrate the funny thing about most women. LOL~

How to prevent same mistakes from happening again? Nylek, you can castrate him... LOL~ That's a joke. But allow me to be blunt again...

Are you sure you and him is not already a mistake? It could be a blessing in disguise that God gives you the lesson much earlier, and you choose to confront it instead of dragging on.

If say, you can +urn back time... Will you still choose him, and still choose to be exclusive to him and refuse to explore all others?

Of course, if you go exclusive, you only have one choice what. LOL~ One choice is usually a bad choice. Well... billions of dicks in this world, but you really only need one.

Will you repeat a mistake? You would. I dare you, with a friendly but naughty smile. Courtesy from Scope Guy.

Nice to know you.
 

jaslynn

New Member
Scope Guy: i agree with u totally! Temptations are always around...

Once the love/feeling/trust is gone... It is gone and will nv come back to the same, no matter what way u try to control the situation.

Nylek: I understand tat if u love someone wholeheartedly, u will try to give chance to the r/s, marriage, feeling. Try every single ways it can to save the relationship. And 7.5yr r/s, married 1.5 years... i know is long and the feeling is not easy to let go.
I not sure if ur husband will be the special one, tat will close door to temptations.

Overpromising? Yes he did, no one can change over night. and he promise alot of things for now, doesn't mean he will be able to do it ALL in the future. If he can, how long it take? 1yr/2yr/3yr? or 10yrs?
E.g. Let ask urself, from start no one control ur money, overnight someone check n control ur spending. Can u stand it?
Same for other things, u requested for things. Not he say it out himself from his mouth, from his thinking. Even he say it himself, doesn't mean he can change totally and do all the things he promise. Maybe 1 or 2 things he can do it.
U hv to understand that, this is human nature.

So if he nv do what he promise, how u feel? What u going to do? Can u take it?

Well, alot advises given and my for u: "Trust him while u can, let go if hv to"
 

scope_guy

New Member
Jaslynn,

For me... If I love someone, I'd love someone forever. LOL~

But the only difference is how I'd treat various love ones. True love never dies. Whenever you choose to love someone, you just love him forever.

In 'Letter To Juliet' Claire had her BELOVED husband, but she truly loves a Lorenzo; so is Lorenzo. Just to illustrate. ^.^
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Actually, most people overpromise without the intention to cheat or lie. Most marry being completely in love but stats show many of them divorce eventually. And those that doesn't divorce may not be blissfully married either. Promise is the bullshit of all time. It does nothing to assure you of a promising relationship. In TS's husband case, seems more a case of desperation. He has nothing to bargain with. Look at the person for who he is. Can you trust him. Simple as that.
 

jaslynn

New Member
Scop_guy: understand what u trying to say.

Milo: yes without intention to cheat or lie. n yes agree, married may not be blissfully. Alot ppl ard me, quarrel day to night. Small quarrel to big quarrel. Non stop argue. Promise is bullshit - ohh yes.

well let say he really change for good, but a leaopard will nv change it spot. He can give TS everythings she want from finacial to concern (like take them out on weekend/PH, show concern), but how abt feeling? heart? love?

He can be a good father but may not be a good husband, good life partner.

I got some doubt, did he really learn his mistake? or just becos he is just being too use to hv her by his side? Or just dun wan to divorce? Or just for baby? o_O
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
can leopard change its spots? Possibly yes, if he has the will power and belief in the change.

But mostly, its only the spur of moment and promises out of desperation. If he is someone that hardly able to stay resolute to his goals, then expect the same with this one. TS needs to be realistic and not bank on this promise.
 


nylek

New Member
hi sm,

ouch... thanks for *smacking* me on head... i'm always unsure till now... but as days goes by, i understand my own feelings better... i actually do hope to reconcile but in my heart i can't let go yet because i cannot accept that he would hurt me in such a way so badly...

i did contact a lawyer almost 1 mth ago... and i cannot get a divorce as my marriage is < 3 yrs... i would need proof to show that i'm undergoing extreme hardship in my marriage and it's hurting my mental state and physical health. With this proven, then i can divorce.

as i mentioned earlier, i am already separated w him for 1.5 months... and we both miss each other during this period. I also agreed to go out w him yesterday because i want to know how i feel when going out w him again. Similarly for him, i want him to feel the r/s. All along he wants a reconcile but i'm afraid of going back to him and i do not feel that he is sincere enough... when i tells him that, he will ask me "what do i expect him to do?"....

he doesn't see things far enough, to him, he has made his choices between 2 woman and since he chose to be with me, and wants to be w me and be nice to me, that's his amendments towards me... i have to tell him this is wat he is thinking (he agreed w me saying this is how he thinks) and also tell him, this is not the best solution for us... best solution lies in resolving root problem...

hi milo,

ok... true... he has to learn on his own... no one can help him... perhaps i should not try to impose my teachings to him... but how do we measure sincerity? On day 1, he came over my house, cry, plea, kneel and beg... subsequently, cry when talking to me and sms me begging me... later on, tries preaching his married frens not to commit same mistake as he did... then as time goes by, he tries asking me out and i get a "i miss u" sms everyday or once every 2 days... that consider sincere? my heart tells me otherwise hence have not give in to a reconciliation.

He is a man in desperation... hence i doubt him since the beginning... maybe you will ask me, then why am i still hanging on since i'm doubting him? i think because he is my special one... so i will try all ways and means to understand more and see if marriage is worth salvaging.

Hi Scope Guy,

don't worry, i don't think you are v offensive... forum is free for everyone to post views and i post my story to gather feedback... Can I know why do you think i'm focused on the other woman?

I used to be a programmer hence i go w rationale thoughts, either true or false... every human being seeks joy from the heart, everyone wants to be loved n sheltered, who doesn't?
When you say "the one", can it be he is "the one" for me, but i'm not "the one" for him?
I totally understand that solving the root problem is important, but i'm not sure if he understands that... weeks ago, I have told him that since things have gone so ugly, why not let's reflect on our r/s, find out if we still love each other deeply and can stay in love w each other? the next thing he would tell me is "i told u i love u alot but u just dun believe me..." sigh... i really do not understand why he can tell me he loves me alot and yet hurt me so much.

I can't tell if our together is already a mistake from beginning... but w/o this incident, i dare to say that i will love him and will be in love w him for my lifetime.

hi jaslynn, yes.. to me he is the special one hence i close my door way long time ago... and i dunno why did he not do the same for me... am i not his special one?

Thanks... i also think he has overpromised. When I tell him this, he will just rebutt and says i dun believe him and says he can change and he will change for me... I cannot judge him in any ways because i did see my dad changing (used to be a gambler) for the family... but again i have uncles who never change as well.

I see those doubts the same as you...
 

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