Husband refuses to consummate for 4 yrs

[claire30]

I have been married since 2005 and my husband has refused to consummate. He insists that there is nothing wrong with him, he is not gay, he is not cheating on me, but he always finds excuses, the weather's too hot, too cold, will dirty the sheets. I can't reconcile his claim that he loves me with his unwillingness to consummate. When I ask if he wants to divorce, he doesn't want to. I just don't understand.

We have had bad quarrels during our relationship and one day he finally admits that it's because of our quarrels, so he doesn't want to consummate. Because everytime he looks at me, he thinks of our quarrels. But problem is even when I think our relationship is fine, he is still unhappy. And yet he does not want to end the marriage. And when I insist on a divorce, he finally asked, why don't u go ahead?

I really don't understand...why would a man want to stay with a woman he does not love and does not want to sleep with?

 

[thommy]

I feel for you, must have been tough on you.

Have you tried asking him to go for a checkup? It could be due to other reasons...impotency could be one of them. Hope it's not though.

 

[claire30]

I have asked him if it's a physical problem, but he insists he's fine. He hates to lose face so he will never agree to go for a checkup.

He sometimes says he's too tired and stressed out from work...but for 4 years, doesn't it feel a little too long?

On our wedding night, we were about to consummate but I mentioned that I was a little afraid of pain (not in an angry/aggreesive tone of cos) and he immediately got up and threw the condom away. He hasn't tried again since. Was it because of what I said? I don't understand. I keep replaying that moment over and over again in my mind, wondering if everything would be different if I hadn't said anything.

I'm now pretty much a nervous wreck. I feel lousy about myself. Even when we appear to be happy, this problem just lingers at the back of my mind. I just don't really trust him anymore. I keep thinking that he likes someone else or may have even slept with someone else. And even if he consummates now, it feels more like it's done out of pity.

 

[claire30]

I forgot to add that we have not stayed together before. We have been trying to find a place for the past few yrs but everytime we find a place we like, he will suddenly get cold feet and find fault with the place. It's too ex, it's too old, it's too inaccessible. I don't think he's sincere about spending the rest of his live with me. But he doesn't want to divorce. Why?

 

[sadman2009]

Did both of you went through all the ceremony of Marriage? or just ROM?
Did he say he love you? and want to spend the rest of his life with you?
Does he often spend time with you?

 

[claire30]

we just ROM. We tot of doing the customary only after we find a place. He seldom says he loves me but he says tt's cos he's not very expressive (this appears to be true cos his friends told me he's not the expressive type). We used to spend time together more often but this has dwindled in recent months. We used to stay over at each other's parents' place after we got married. But ever since my parents changed my single bed to a double bed, he stopped coming over. And he also said he will stop asking me to go over to his place. This was after a quarrel where I complained that he never comes to my place but I always go over to his. So since then, we seldom stay over. We just meet on the weekends.

I don't get this. Is he treating me as a backup of sorts?

 

[claire30]

I dunno what to do now. I know I should prob annul the marriage, but I keep holding back cos I want to believe him when he says he doesn't want to break up. I feel so stupid.

 

[gin]

I think you should annul and move on. This is for your own good and not selfish. Guys after 30 yrs old still can easily find someone else but for us ladies, we are always at a disadvantage on age...

 

[sadman2009]

Have you both been intimate before?
How did he respond? Is he cold?

My wife also said she is not the expressive kind but we did have passionate sex even before our marriage.
Although I feel that she is quite cold towards me at times...

 

[claire30]

Yup, in the initial stage of the r'ship, he was quite ok...but we never act. did it. Now it's pretty much gone downhill...

 

[claire30]

Gin - totally agree tt women are always at a disadvantage on age

And not just in terms of physical appearance but also thgs like child bearing...

 

[miloice]

Goh, this guy is a loser. He loves his big fat ego till such a point of a simple fear of pain is too much a reject for him to bear.

MOVE ON.

 

[gin]

Dear Claire,
So...tok to your family about it and move on. Am sure most ppl here will support you de ^^

 

[claire30]

Milo, really? Gosh...i never tot abt it tt way...

And gin, my family noes abt it and asked me to move on too.I guess it's time.

 

[sadman2009]

Claire Goh,
Don't know what is in the mind of this man.
May be he love no more.
Spend a good moment to talk to him about it frankly in a peaceful manner. If things still don't get resolved and if you have decided then move on .

 

[miloice]

Claire,

"but I mentioned that I was a little afraid of pain (not in an angry/aggreesive tone of cos) and he immediately got up and threw the condom away"

I got the clue from here. Physically, rejection can affect a man pyschologically leading to ED. The turn off from rejection and pain is very real. But, how he is reacting to it contributes to it. Seeing a doctor probabaly cannot help. Its in the mind than anything.

 

[gin]

Claire babe,
Your family know what is best for you!

Milo,
I think hor, a man should be sensitive enough on why the partner mention this right? Sigh, din noe still got some man so to the extreme thinking man...u r right on its in the mind...and onli he can 'save' himself

 

[bellyboy]

Hi Claire,

Every couple have bad quarrels every now and then. It's important to forgive and forget if its for minor issues. Perhaps you can start off by going for trips/getaways as SG life can be pretty stressful here. You can try to lead him on while you get away from the husle and busle of life by being more sensual towards him. I am sure he will respond to your approach.

 

[cuclainne]

claire: i think perhaps there might be something else that he's not letting on .. like def mentioned, every couple goes through ups and downs .. i readily admit that i have arguments with the husband (we're not perfect) but that it doesn't make us love each other any lesser .. sexual intimacy is a two-way street. i'm surprised that he had taken your words to heart in such a manner ..

 

[canbear]

Hi Claire,

I have to first ask you some intimate questions. You can choose not to answer but do reflect on them.

How did you both know each other and what prompted you to want to get attached, and subsequently, ROM?

Was there a real passion between the 2 of you or was it just, the time has come, let's ROM since we are together anyway?

Let me try to understand his thought patterns and hazard some guesses on what is happening here.

1. He is a boring guy.

2. He doesn't find any more passion (or maybe even not at all in the first place)with you.

3. He prefers to let things stay as they are for fear of going thru trouble to annul the marriage.

4. He doesn't want to take responsibility in getting a divorce. So he asked you to do it if you so wish.

5. He doesn't really love you.

6. He might have another partner. Maybe he's just waiting for that relationship to get better then one day, tell you frankly, Let's divorce.

I don't know you but from what you've described, I find the 2 of you did not ROM due to mutual love. Perhaps it was more out of necessity?

You guys have to really talk it out in order to deal with his "mysterious" behaviour. If you can't even do that, there is no doubt you both are not even living a married life, let alone talk about consummating it.

Take care.

 

[miloice]

Gin,

"I think hor, a man should be sensitive enough on why the partner mention this right? Sigh, din noe still got some man so to the extreme thinking man...u r right on its in the mind...and onli he can 'save' himself"

Its not about what you or me thinks. He is the one having issues. It is what he thinks that matters. Every person differs.

TS just get to find out a part of him she didn't learn of before marriage. If she want to help the marriage, then both of them gotta get pass this sexual and pyschological problem. Else, don't waste time liao. Annul the marriage and move on.

 

[sheezh]

Hi, I'm kinda of wondering. Is sexual compatilibity really that important in a marriage? Or that sex really can make or kill a marriage? Could it be nurtured in the course of marriage?

I mean, if the person is great in every aspect but in bed (not that he is not a good lover, but somehow that intimate feeling is not there). Is it possible that it will improve over time after the marriage?? or it's simply over even before it started??

 

[miloice]

The importance differs for everyone. But generally speaking, sex is important to alot of people.

And it can be nurtured to some extend. Everyone have different limits to their sexual appetite and what they will try with their partners.

sex is the same with most skills, there are 2 parts to it. The talent and the practise. We can surely get better with practise but if we are expecting a sex guru, then we shouldn't be looking for virgins but those tested and found to be excellent. After playing and practising bowling, most of us will and can hit a decent average. But not many will be Remy Ong in the making. What is your expectation? Are we expecting a world champion?

For me, I believe asians still keeping alot unspoken about our sexuality. The more relax and willing we are about sharing and adapting to each others sexual preferences and needs, the higher chances of getting what we want and need from it. Its really a no brainer, but many couples still do alot more than talk about it. They are just not comfortable to talk much about it. No matter how many sex partners we had, everyone sinlge person differs. Feedback is needed to know how and when they like it.

 

[gin]

k la..i diam diam....

 

[miloice]

why diam diam leh? huh?!?

 

[kennyg7]

Some guys are like that, in their mind they keep thinking about it but their lips are sealed and they will not talk about it, they maybe afraid as being named as childish by talking about these type of things. Maybe some guys love the woman but when comes to make love, they can't stop thinking how many man this woman have slept b4, how those man make love to her and is his performance lousy as compared to those man? I have these thinking few years back but now stop thinking. My parents always say woman must "don't anyhow come", must not let guys "eat you up" must learn "how to cook, do housework" if not next time will not get a good husband or no guys will want. But looks like all these saying are outdated and not true at all. My thinking also need to change and i don't believe in love anymore. I just believe in enjoying whatever comes along, be happy when together with the partner and don't be too serious in the r/s.

 

[wiggly_toes]

Hmmm..

"must not let guys "eat you up""

WAHHHHHH....You have such open parents???

 

[gin]

Milo,
u so fierce... *runz*

 

[miloice]

seriously, let me know which part is the fierce one. Funnie why I'm taken so seriously at times. I do reread what I write but don't find them fierce leh.

Is this SELECTIVE FILTERING on my part?? humm....

 

[gin]

Milo ah (perhaps some 'sound' words help to soften the tone... )

1) "Gin,..." <- Fierce
2) "Its not about what you or me thinks. " <- also fierce...

So = double fierce!

You can 'modify' by...
1) "Hi Gin,..." , "Gin ah..."
2) "Sometimes it's just now about what you or me thinks..."

Is it better or am I just...?

 

[miloice]

"Milo,
u so fierce"

so... u oso fierce har?
haha...
on Pt 2, it really puzzles me. I'm just going straight to the point.

Sorry that its fierce. Its really not intended. My nick should have some suggestion ... its not all so serious.

 

[green_tranquility]

I dun find milo's posts fierce in anyway leh. It's puzzling.

 

[gin]

Milo...lol..joking la! *chillz*
anyway thats my first 'impression' la!

 

[usedwomen]

You mean to tell me I am not the only women who husband refuse to consummate the marriage. We have been married since Dec 2006 and as of Sept 2009 we still have not had sex. No matter how much I beg him he refuses. Now that he have the green card he really talk bad to me &amp; verbal abuse me more. The things he say to me hurt because I'm in love with him. He say no I'm gay. I think it is a lie my dad said he may have a wife back in the phillopines and that he just used me. I refuse it can't be true but he does not want me to meet his family. I have done everything to save my marriage. We have never had sex. Every holiday, birthday he was always away from me gone off on trips out of town. This yr on valentines day he went to new york with a group of gay guys he did not answer not 1 of my calls I was at home crying all night. I felt like killing myself &amp; leaving him a note. But I am a true beleaf in God &amp; I'm still here depressed &amp; stressed out. He never introduced me to his family yes he met mine. He kept his family separate from me all the yrs I have known him. I'm his secret. Now that he have the greencard he will not talk to me at all telling me to go away &amp; go on with my life like the marriage never happen. : ( he said if I contact him he would call the police &amp; file for a restraining order &amp; have me arrested. Wow! its 6am &amp; I will be at court to file annulment &amp; void the marriage I'm too hurt. I will grant him his wish &amp; go on with my life. I have been in this marriage alone from day one, now I am finally getting out as of 09.28.09. Before he file a fake police report &amp; play victim when in fact he victimize me, defrauded me I have benefit I'm the american I wanted him I married him being stupid &amp; looking for love in the wrong person. I made a mistake &amp; wasted 2yrs &amp; 10 months of my life. :0( now I'm crying over spoiled spilled milk. He used me how stupid I am.

 

[alcifertoh]

Nah, Hurtwomen, you should just move on. you have your life to lead. Should not be held back by him when he had made his intention clear..

I don't understand about the part regarding him filing a police report on you. On what grounds?

 

[cappucino]

Hi Claire,

I've tried to PM you but you don't accept PM. Can you switch on your PM?

 

[miloice]

hurtwomen, your scenario is quite clearly different from Claire. Your ex to be husband is clearly making use of you for the green card.

It is pointless to cry over spilled milk. But the lessons are there for you. Don't be blind by love. Emotions is only one department, for any relationship to work, its more than that. You gotta open your eyes and not invest blindly and be taken advantage of.

P.S. I'm surprised Americans write such singaporean lingo.

 

[wjchiang]

on the postscript - my sentiments too

 

[wjchiang]

Claire,
what disturbs u more? the fact that your husband refused to consummate or the fundamental problems in your relationship?

your bad fights, doesn't sound like u've ever ironed out the problems which caused the fights.
when u insist on a divorce, he tells u to go ahead.
you don't trust him anymore.
you suspect he doesn't mean to spend the rest of his life with u.
you don't even seem to be able to communicate and discuss your problems together.

Don't just focus on trying to find out the reasons of him not wanting to have sex, forgetting about all the other problems that are there. Ask yourself, is this the life u want?

 

[lovingyou]

Wonder how is Claire?

Hurtwoman: We can't go back to the past or undo something which is in the past... It isn't easy, but you to get back to your feet, move on.. Try to find back your life and love yourself slowly.

 

[ooxueoo]

finally a place to let out.... My situation is almost the same as Claire. Only difference is I'm behaving just like her hubby.... Each time I sees him, reminds me the the quarrels, lieing, breaking of promises.... We have been quarreling pretty often. I know it's unhealthy but I cant expect this to go on forever. So I actually talk to him and tell him the reason. He will always says Orh Orh. But he will be back to square 1 after 1 wk. Imagine this has been going on for 3yrs+. I'm tired of keep repeating the same thing over and over again. He even lied to me.(promise not to do it 1-2 yrs ago. till now he is still doing). He had been unfaithful before and that time is when I'm carrying my first child. Imagine the pain I hv. I have already done my part as a mum, wife. What else he expects. He always takes me for granted. I'm thinking of getting a separation. But what holds me back are my kids. I cried while looking at their photos. Separation thingy still lingers i my mind...

 

[lovingyou]

L Missy: how long are you married? Hmm.. Constructive but not destructive arguments will enhance the understanding of each other. When did you find urself having such constant arguments with your HB? After the adultery? Did you find yourself losing trust in him and/or finding fault with him?

 

[SGoutcast]

This is a very old post.

Dear Claire, I wonder how you are? I hope things are well with you. Liked you, I was trapped in a sexless marriage but only to find out whatever excuse he gave were just excuses of guilt of what he had done outside the marriage. If things haven't improved at your end, you should walk away now. I find out through the hard way that it's more important to learn yourself than to love your husband. Learn to love yourself before everyone else (and of course if you are religious, love God first before self).

All the best