Husband doesnt love me now

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Kellygirl, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    I have been with my husband for 12 years (5 years dating and 7 years married). Recently he told me he doesnt really love me already due to me controlling him and restricting his freedom over the years. He has put up enough of me. He told me on the things he did behind my back during these 12 years and was hoping that i ask for divorce after i know about him cheating on me. i was furious initially and really ask for divorce but after cooling down and thinking things through, i decide to give our marriage another chance as i have 3 young kids and i still love him. He was surprised and didnt know what to react but he didnt really want to stay on the marriage. Nevertheless, eventually he stayed on because of the kids and we agreed to work on our marriage and i will not control him as much as before. We also agreed to speak up when we are unhappy so that all will not be bottled up in the heart.
    As i am a possessive person plus he cheated on me before, hence i need him to let me have the trust in him again. I wanted him not to contact the female colleague other than work and also block her off in his social media so that i can have some assurance that there is nothing between them. He did mention that he has a little liking for her but they didnt advance into anything. He has also been msging the colleague and deleting the msg thereafter so that i wont see. He was very upset with me for my request and said that he didnt find it neccesary to do that. If there is really nothing between them, i dont think this request is too much right?
    Anyway, he has been working OT ever since the quarrel and doesnt talk to me much. I have been trying to create chance for us to spend time together (just the 2 of us) as i have been busy with the kids for the past 4 years.
    I am trying to salvage the marriage as i realised that i may be selfish and too possessive for the past years that made him unable to breathe. I really love him but i am afraid to be hurt again. (I am devastated for the past 3 weeks and i cant eat, sleep and work well.) Will my love for him be reciprocate?

  2. triple

    triple New Member

    Your concept of love is destructive.
    It is better if you do not love others.
    Focus your energy on being a friend and companion first.
    Spouses are not pets.
    JojoT, arsenal_84 and miloice like this.
  3. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    U do not know the full story thats why you think i treat my spouse as pet. He has lied to me many times on certain things and cheated on me before. Each time i regained my trust in him, i found out he lied to me again. Which is why i do not allow him to go bar and pub with his friends. I have in fact sacrificed a lot for him and the family since we got together. My plan for the future is all about him since we got together.
  4. triple

    triple New Member

    I like the way you use the tern “ allow”. I rest my case.
  5. mooremm

    mooremm New Member

    Consider couples/ marriage counselling. if not, individual counselling for yourself ... it must haven been difficult to u now ...
  6. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    We are considering to go for marriage counselling but not sure which is good. Any recommendation?
  7. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    Counselling must be mutual to be effective.
    " My plan for the future is all about him since we gottogether. "
    Thats your plan, you may wish to find out what are his plans too. Then perhaps there can be "our" plan. Dont marry somebody with an intention to make him what you want him to be.
    It hardly turn out that way.
  8. mooremm

    mooremm New Member

    Can try Care Corner Counselling Centre
  9. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Rest assured he will still find ways to cheat. There was a documentary about how different genders react to affairs. They studied usecases of people that murdered their cheating spouse.... the snapping point for women is mostly the fear that he will leave while for men, its mainly the fear of being cheated on. Guys have a harder time to deal with a cheating spouse while women have it harder to let go of the marriage. These are just studies on the generic traits, but it reflects, while many women speak about how much they cannot tolerate affairs, their inner most fear is leaving the marriage, having the man walk out. Men, on the other hand, wants revenge, anger and all the struggles with the affair on-going. Once, they get pass it, they just move on. No issue to leave.
  10. JojoT

    JojoT New Member

    Kellygirl...just my 5cents worth.....even though he is the guilty and had agree to change his ways, which he is trying...he also expect you to honor your side of the bargain..that's to give him his space and trust. Yes, it's difficult..that's why it's call LOVE. True love requires Sacrifice. But sadly, these days, Love is about me, my space, my love and all about me. That's why a bit of sacrifice here and there in marriage life, ppl expect returns from their spouse. In real love, there's no return. You can't list down what u did for him so he must do so & so in return ?

    So, Do you truly love him & him enough to walk another 10, 20 years or more with him with all his failings to your expectations ? or...are your forgiveness to him that he must earn his keep always more important ? Yes, he will try to cheat again because of you. Domineering.

    Everybody no matter how good a person is, he will always have failings..nobody's perfect. Each of us have different expectations, so how big is your heart ? Bear in mind, monkey see monkey do...whatever you do, your kids no matter how young, are not blind or stupid... so are you going to hand down your list of expectations imprint into their young minds and that their dad is a failure to you & the family ? It's up to you how you want to navigate this marriage and what your kids learn from you.

    But if you can't live with the memory of his adultery, then better off to be as good friends and bring up the kids together with Custody & visitation plans , then to keep the marriage and you relive the adultery scene in your mind each night.

    It's good you open up as you are self evaluating also. So, it's up to you, hope you make the right & good decisions.

    God bless
    ladeelaa likes this.

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