Husband doesnt love me now

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Kellygirl, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    I have been with my husband for 12 years (5 years dating and 7 years married). Recently he told me he doesnt really love me already due to me controlling him and restricting his freedom over the years. He has put up enough of me. He told me on the things he did behind my back during these 12 years and was hoping that i ask for divorce after i know about him cheating on me. i was furious initially and really ask for divorce but after cooling down and thinking things through, i decide to give our marriage another chance as i have 3 young kids and i still love him. He was surprised and didnt know what to react but he didnt really want to stay on the marriage. Nevertheless, eventually he stayed on because of the kids and we agreed to work on our marriage and i will not control him as much as before. We also agreed to speak up when we are unhappy so that all will not be bottled up in the heart.
    As i am a possessive person plus he cheated on me before, hence i need him to let me have the trust in him again. I wanted him not to contact the female colleague other than work and also block her off in his social media so that i can have some assurance that there is nothing between them. He did mention that he has a little liking for her but they didnt advance into anything. He has also been msging the colleague and deleting the msg thereafter so that i wont see. He was very upset with me for my request and said that he didnt find it neccesary to do that. If there is really nothing between them, i dont think this request is too much right?
    Anyway, he has been working OT ever since the quarrel and doesnt talk to me much. I have been trying to create chance for us to spend time together (just the 2 of us) as i have been busy with the kids for the past 4 years.
    I am trying to salvage the marriage as i realised that i may be selfish and too possessive for the past years that made him unable to breathe. I really love him but i am afraid to be hurt again. (I am devastated for the past 3 weeks and i cant eat, sleep and work well.) Will my love for him be reciprocate?

  2. triple

    triple New Member

    Your concept of love is destructive.
    It is better if you do not love others.
    Focus your energy on being a friend and companion first.
    Spouses are not pets.
    _Simplicity_, ladeelaa, JojoT and 2 others like this.
  3. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    U do not know the full story thats why you think i treat my spouse as pet. He has lied to me many times on certain things and cheated on me before. Each time i regained my trust in him, i found out he lied to me again. Which is why i do not allow him to go bar and pub with his friends. I have in fact sacrificed a lot for him and the family since we got together. My plan for the future is all about him since we got together.
  4. triple

    triple New Member

    I like the way you use the tern “ allow”. I rest my case.
  5. mooremm

    mooremm Member

    Consider couples/ marriage counselling. if not, individual counselling for yourself ... it must haven been difficult to u now ...
  6. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    We are considering to go for marriage counselling but not sure which is good. Any recommendation?
  7. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    Counselling must be mutual to be effective.
    " My plan for the future is all about him since we gottogether. "
    Thats your plan, you may wish to find out what are his plans too. Then perhaps there can be "our" plan. Dont marry somebody with an intention to make him what you want him to be.
    It hardly turn out that way.
  8. mooremm

    mooremm Member

    Can try Care Corner Counselling Centre
  9. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Rest assured he will still find ways to cheat. There was a documentary about how different genders react to affairs. They studied usecases of people that murdered their cheating spouse.... the snapping point for women is mostly the fear that he will leave while for men, its mainly the fear of being cheated on. Guys have a harder time to deal with a cheating spouse while women have it harder to let go of the marriage. These are just studies on the generic traits, but it reflects, while many women speak about how much they cannot tolerate affairs, their inner most fear is leaving the marriage, having the man walk out. Men, on the other hand, wants revenge, anger and all the struggles with the affair on-going. Once, they get pass it, they just move on. No issue to leave.
  10. JojoT

    JojoT New Member

    Kellygirl...just my 5cents worth.....even though he is the guilty and had agree to change his ways, which he is trying...he also expect you to honor your side of the bargain..that's to give him his space and trust. Yes, it's difficult..that's why it's call LOVE. True love requires Sacrifice. But sadly, these days, Love is about me, my space, my love and all about me. That's why a bit of sacrifice here and there in marriage life, ppl expect returns from their spouse. In real love, there's no return. You can't list down what u did for him so he must do so & so in return ?

    So, Do you truly love him & him enough to walk another 10, 20 years or more with him with all his failings to your expectations ? or...are your forgiveness to him that he must earn his keep always more important ? Yes, he will try to cheat again because of you. Domineering.

    Everybody no matter how good a person is, he will always have failings..nobody's perfect. Each of us have different expectations, so how big is your heart ? Bear in mind, monkey see monkey do...whatever you do, your kids no matter how young, are not blind or stupid... so are you going to hand down your list of expectations imprint into their young minds and that their dad is a failure to you & the family ? It's up to you how you want to navigate this marriage and what your kids learn from you.

    But if you can't live with the memory of his adultery, then better off to be as good friends and bring up the kids together with Custody & visitation plans , then to keep the marriage and you relive the adultery scene in your mind each night.

    It's good you open up as you are self evaluating also. So, it's up to you, hope you make the right & good decisions.

    God bless
    ladeelaa likes this.
  11. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    Thank you for sharing. Just read your msg. Sad to say.. i found out that he is still msging the female colleague and deleting them. When i asked him, he said there is nothing going on between them. Those msgs are just greetings like good morning. I never got to see what was those msgs as they were deleted. Will someone send another person greetings so often if there is nothing going on between them? He never send greetings to his other friends and even dont bother to reply in certain group chat he is in. He is even following her in social media. She is one out of the 5 persons he follows. Its totally unbelievable if has no feelings for her right? And he is still denying it. He has even go to the extend of lying to me that he needs to work OT overnight when he has taken leave for that day. And coincidentally, that day was the female colleague's birthday. He really didnt come home that night. All these happened after we have agreed to give this marriage another chance. If a person has lied to u many times and cheated on you and is doing nothing to gain your trust again, should you just forgive and forget again and treat it as nothing as happened?
  12. Sillywomen

    Sillywomen New Member

    Too much concident
  13. Dar dar

    Dar dar New Member

    You are checking on him
    You are trying to find evidence
    You are chasing him away

    If you truly want your marriage back
    You got to let him feel you and slowly come back to you

    No guarantee he may too
    After all, his heart may not be with you anymore
  14. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi Kelly, any improvements? How's your situation?
  15. serene_ho

    serene_ho Member

    Hi Kellygirl,

    Just read your post. I was going through the same as you, I have just walked out the relationship. I couldnt take it anymore that he was msging from the moment he open his eyes till after midnight. Kept telling me theres nothing going on.
    This is my first week alone, yes i miss him terribly and feel so hurt. But i feel also feel a sense of relief.

    few days ago he text me telling me that i will never find anyone that can love me the way he did and put up with me. I feel so sad.
  16. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi Serene, what happened in your case? You married for a long time? You knowing for sure he's having someone?
  17. serene_ho

    serene_ho Member

    Hi lostmypurpose,

    we were together for 10years, though throughout the years we have plenty ups and downs. This isnt his first time him texting another woman from morning till night and not sparing a thought for anyone else. The first time he did it was in 2016, after much arguement and crap from me they ease off on the texting. It took the death of my brother for him to realised that family should come first.
    It happened again this year, but with another woman, also hiding, being secretive and telling me that it is none of my business who he text. Saying that im too controlling and that nothing is going on between them.
    If nothing is going on then why the hiding? also telling people that our relationship had fizzled out. i was devastated!
    Anyway, i had enough, I arranged for my friends and removalist to come over after he goes out, i packed what i could and moved out.

    He still insist that he did nothing wrong, just wanting someone to chat to and he enjoys chatting to her. She is married w kids, apparently she and her hubby also having some problems.
  18. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi Serene, actually I might be going through the same as your hubby, but I haven't found the person to talk to about heart affairs yet.

    Actually, I do think that there may really be nothing better them. Speaking from my own perspective, I would love to have someone to talk to, to open my heart to, to get back the courtship feeling of sweetness, but yet knowing the boundaries where to stop. I may not want my wife to know because firstly I don't want additional quarrels (though my conscience is clean), secondly there are frustrations that arise from the marriage so obviously don't want to pick up fights with my wife. However admittedly this could be quite dangerous and there's no guarantee whether they will venture further then just chatting. 2 vulnerable hearts may not have the discipline to control themselves. However, in my case I wouldn't be blatantly messaging in front of my wife though.

    From a woman's perspective, do you think if I rekindle the loving feelings that will also help in being more positive in the marriage, given I will overall be a happier man? Or is this the wrong way to think?
  19. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Are you kidding me! If you need to ask this question you are mentally lost, assuming you are not trolling.

    So you think if you have a emotional affair with another lady (you think you wont do anything physical, sure we believe you...) it will make you more positive and help you in your marriage?

    The fact you think you need to ask this question, tells me your judgement and common sense is compromised.

    You should immediately go see a counselor....
    arsenal_84 likes this.
  20. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    Hi, no improvement at all. Initially he is fine with me having his IG account to unfollow that female colleague. But now i realised that he has followed her back. Even though that woman did message him to ask him and me to stop bothering her as she has her own sets of problems and she already felt awkward seeing him at work. But apparently, they are still talking well at work (as per their colleague) even though its not necessary for them to talk about work stuffs at work. I think the message is just all an act. Otherwise, y will the woman accept my hubby to follow her again.. I have actually blocked my hubby in social media as i want no mutual connection to that woman. In fact, my hubby has moved to his parents place to stay, saying that he miss his parents and want to spend time with them, leaving me to care for the 2 children alone. I am prepared to go for divorce if situation is not improving as he can be so selfish to this extent.
  21. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    Serene, i guess some guys are just not committed to their spouse and family. They do not know what they shouldnt do once they are married. They are just being plain selfish.. i am living my own life with my 2 young children for the past 1 week plus.. and with my family support.
  22. Kellygirl

    Kellygirl New Member

    I totally agree with you. When he is not staying with me now, i dont have to keep guessing if he is secretly messaging that female colleague and if he is going to work early just to fetch her to work. He can still say there is nothing going between them. If i want to think it that way, there is nothing he can say. Sigh.. anyway, my focus now is on my 2 children.
  23. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Sorry to hear that, Kelly. Have a chat with him, just to clearly understand if a divorce is what he wants. If he really wants that I think it's no point trying to pull him back. To think that he can be so selfish and not care about the kids I think it's pointless even if you get him back. In the slim chance that he still wants this family you have to tell him the conditions, like stop all contact with the lady. You have to put yourself in a strong and firm position, because you still have kids to look after. Dragging this on doesnt sound healthy to all parties.
  24. serene_ho

    serene_ho Member

    Hi Kellygirl,

    I decided to move out, cos the last 3 weeks at home was horrible, I was doing my own thing, sleeping separately, he comes home very late and when we do meet face to face his face was so fierce. He changed the wallpaper of his ipad from our photo to something else, taking the other woman out, and also cooking and making desserts for her. It tip me off the edge.

    of course, he blames me for every single thing and not once take accountability and responsibility. We have started to text since saturday, but always end up blaming each other and fihgt again.

    This is my 3rd week living alone. He is not interested in my well being, but said that if im lonely or wants to have sex i can go to him. Such an Ass*&^%!!! But honestly speaking i feel im gaining my sanity back. I am no longer anxious and overthinking. I think my heart is slower at healing than my To my surprise, Im starting to feel happier.

    The thought of what he put me through with all the insecurities and the mental pressure, I really shudder to entertain the thought. I will never go back to experience that pain and unhappiness again.

    The question for you is: How much more can you take?
  25. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    sometimes is good not to sh!t at the work place unless one wants to compromise his own career.
  26. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    actually the worst type of behavior is emotional betrayal, yes no doubt the physical aspect has not happened however there can be tell tale signs.

    a thought is like a virus.
    resilient, highly contagious and the smallest seed of a though can grow.
    it can grow to define or destroy a person sanity.
  27. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi arsenal what you said is very true. The thought is tempting but may ultimately destroy. Guess a lot of people know what's right or wrong, but always feel they are different and may be able to stop and not cross the line. But ended up being just 1 part of a greater statistic.
  28. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Yeah you describing yourself?
  29. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Yes partly, but there is really no need for you to keep tracking my posts and bashing me in every thread. Just trying to post thoughts or comments, and im not even harming anyone or asking ppl to do the wrong thing. I really don't see the point why you want to be seen as the saint by labelling me an infidel.
  30. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Anyway newproject, I'm not even hiding anything. I'm open in the above posts to state I'm perhaps in the same phase as the selfish hubby (though not as bad to shirk responsibilities), having the thoughts to stray emotionally. Unlike the saintly you, I do get replies asking why I'm behaving this way, what has happened etc. Your responses have been constantly been negative and just calling me insane for thinking this way. You might be better off go bash up (physically) everyone who strayed if you have too much time at your disposal.

    Like I said you haven't reached the end of your life, so let's hope there won't be a day you have such thoughts in your mind.
  31. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    The diff between those people who stray and you is this. They don't go to forums like this and "empathise" with wives who suffered at the hands of men like you. Did you have so much empathy for your wife when you thought of having an emotional affair?

    Hypocritical much?

    Moreover have you even once admitted you were wrong to want to do an emotional affair? At best you think is not a good idea because you might not be able to control yourself physically.

    I ask the woman of this forum, do you think is fine for your man to seek emotional intimacy with another woman rather than you?

    Thanks for wishing ill on my relationship again.

    If in the unlikely event this happens to me. I know what i wont do. Go to forums like this and answer every thread even dig ùp old threads.

    You are just avoiding your problems , feel good sympathizing with other wives who are basically your wife right?

    Does your wife even know you are thinking of emotional affairs?
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018
  32. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Seriously I don't understand what is the point you are driving at, probably just saying that troubled ppl should just keep their mouths shut and not provide advice to others, even when such help is needed and helpful.

    Dear saint, you can continue bashing for all you want. I think it's rude you want to drive home a point but in the process hijacking someone's thread to discuss their issues.

    I will continue to do what I can to advise, and maybe seeking a clear mind and direction in the process. Rest assured your replies will be ignored and not replied to.

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