Husband cheated on me twice...

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Audrina, Aug 5, 2019.

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Should I divorce or Stay to make things work?

  1. Divorce

  2. Stay and make things work

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  1. Audrina

    Audrina New Member

    This year is our 13th year of marriage and we have two very young children now. In general, my husband is not a bad guy. He is responsible, mild-tempered, we hardly quarrel, always gives in to me, caring, generous, romantic but likes to keep things and worries to himself.

    He first cheated on me when I was pregnant with our firstborn. The other woman was 12 years younger than him and a colleague at work. He confessed the extramarital affair to me when our firstborn turned one. Why? Because that silly young girl threatened to look for me and expose their affair (in the end she did came to see me). So he confessed first and admitted that it all happened during my pregnancy. I was in shocked and realised that throughout my pregnancy, I had a very strong gut feeling that something's wrong. Though he was still caring but the vibes were just not right and the lack of new father excitement was amiss. I put it off as me being tired and overly sensitive during the pregnancy. True enough my gut feeling was right all along. Sighs. He also attributed it to the lack of communication between us. Despite what he did was completely despicable and disgusted, I chose to forgive him. Reason because he showed remorse, drafted up measures to deter himself from astray, and made promises to me, my parents and his parents that he will not commit such stupid mistake again. And for the sake of giving my child a complete family, we reconciled.

    Fast forward 2 years, our second baby was born. Just when I thought my life was good and blissful, one day the same gut feeling kicked in again. Nothing unusual happened but it was an oddly strong feeling that directed me to probe further. I checked his phone, nothing found. Checked his wallet, nothing. Checked his car, nothing too. And so I thought if he really wants to cheat, with his experience he would have covered his track well. Then I secretly hacked into his phone. OMFG. All shits came out like a diarrhoea. He was indeed having an affair with his colleague (where he joined a new company for just 2 months). She was a senior staff very close to the CEO, married with a 2 year old kid, same age as my husband. She shamelessly came to my house for mahjong twice and also invited us to her house during CNY... all these while they were together already. When I found out things from his phone, my mind went blank and I cried so hard in my office's toilet. That very night I confronted him, he could still lie straight in my face. Until I showed him what I've got, he went silence then explained that it was nothing romantic but to make use of her to boost his career. Few days later I chased him out of the house and prepared to divorce. I also contacted that woman's husband and showed him proof about the affair and which hotel they went. That wuss already suspected the two of them and wanted to divorce her after confirming the affair, but decided to forgive her anyway because their new business venture and for the sake of their only child. Good for him, lucky her.

    It has been five months since we are separated. I have to put the divorce on hold due to some reasons. He has been trying to make me change my mind and declared that he will never divorce me. He cried many times, his hands were trembling as he plead for another chance to prove his love for me. He said that the loss of his wife and children hurts him the most. He also lost weight and looked haggard. Honestly, I'm so numb now that I don't know how to feel and think anymore. Now he continues to court me, shower me with care and concerns, surprised me with little stuff... Every weekend we will spend time together as family, bringing the kids out to play. He would flirt with me and made me laugh with some lame jokes. Not gonna lie, it brings back the happy feeling when we were together.

    With such a bad track record but he still wants to keep the family together, should I give him another chance? I'm really seriously terribly scare because I will be the biggest f**king idiot if he commits the same shit for the third time. At this very moment, I'm mentally and emotionally scarred and tired. I don't know what to do. I still love him but no longer enough to turn blind eye on his mistakes. I'm considering marriage counselling but not sure how it can help me heal and help us move on.

    What would you do if you're in my shoes? Does anyone has happily-ever-after stories after betrayal like this?
     


  2. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Hi, your husband is a good actor sorry to say that. I suggest you go for personal counselling first before thinking abt marriage counselling. Counselling takes effort and its a long term treatment so you dont see the effect until a few sessions or a few months. Provided you believe in it. Alot of their advises are things you already know but it can be useful in such times when you are confused. I went for counselling so I know. Even if your husband is interested to go for counselling to appease the situation, it does not help if he is not sincere abt salvaging this marriage. He is too good a actor for you to see thru. He would take whatever he could to reduce his own stress to have to go thru the D process. Promise are meant to be broken in his case so take it with a pince of salt. Focus on your kid first now and worry less abt him and what he can do for you.
     
    Eggwhite likes this.
  3. Audrina

    Audrina New Member


    Hi rip_curl, thanks for the reply. I saw your post in other thread. Hope you have moved on.

    Sad to say I also agree that he is a good actor. My gut feeling has always guided me to look into things so if not I would still be kept in the dark. After the 1st affair, he has been super doting to me. He suddenly stopped posting photos of us on his social media and didn't approve tags from me, exactly the same shit he did during the 1st affair. He is not a social media savvy person all along but this is one red flag that I noticed.

    I went for personal counselling before (after the 1st affair) and it kind of help but I stopped going as it was too costly to go on a regular basis. So then I decided to focus on improving myself and career instead. I never thought he would have the audacity to cheat on me again. I don't understand why he would risk everything just to f**k other woman. I'm not those kind of wife who he can't bring out to meet people. I have my own career, fashionably dressed, tend the family well, I look after the kids and love sex too (with him of course). We had a simple peaceful life together. He has no reason to worry or be unhappy about, to be honest. Perhaps too bored with a life like this? I am so so tired of asking why. Things changed since we moved to a new house (while I was pregnant with our 1st).

    I did thought of ending the marriage for good. I just cannot trust him again and he really do not deserve another chance. But a part of me wants to give my children a complete family. I don't grow up in a typical happy family and I don't want my kids to go through what I gone through like missing a father figure in life. My friends who divorced all vouched that as a single parent I can still give my children the best as a family. The road ahead may be tough but it will be all worth it. I don't know. The thought is daunting.

    He agreed to go for marriage counselling but we have not gone to one. I was the one who went to look for which counselling centre to go. Perhaps like you said, he probably just want to appease the situation. SIGHS! I'm so so heartbroken.
     
  4. Eggwhite

    Eggwhite Member

    TS... be strong.. as what bro rip suggested ..focus on your kids now.

    At times..we just arent appreciated by others ...sad to say.

    Spend some time to think for yourself too to be fair for yourself going forward.
     
  5. confusedlife

    confusedlife New Member

    Hi Audrina,

    Sorry to hear about your story. Imagine having to go thru betrayal twice. The trust is no longer there. My case is similar to yours. Ex hub was a habitual cheater - emotionally and sexually.
    A leopard will never change its spots. He was already caught once, thought he covered his tracks well but you still busted him. The next round, he will just be wiser.
    He knew all along the consequences but yet still committed the 2nd time thinking he had everything under control.
    Think about yourself. He is going to cheat on younger girls once you become old lady.
    Unless he stepped up in building up the trust, giving you full access to his phone/emails/accounts, you will always live in doubt and possibly end up always arguing.
    Focus that energy on taking care of your kids instead. All is not over but it’s going to be a Long healing process. Stay strong!
     
    Audrina likes this.
  6. rachel_fen

    rachel_fen New Member

    Hi Audrina,

    Women are like tea bags.. they don't know how strong we will be until we land ourselves in hot water. Everything will be fine as time flies. Because, as time pass, you tend not to remember so many things and put things down. It will happen as much - as you don't see it now.
    Have faith too and work on things that you can. Arrangement for the kids, stay thankful to your parents and friends for being with you, your own well being and prepare your mind. ( exercise, facial, having a good meal, reading, attending Church or staying close to your Belief, knowing more new friends)
    On things that you don't have control over - His behaviour, Why he does it, will I trust him again? Can I do it? What if it happens again?
    You don't have answers now and you cannot control yourself to give yourself all the answers now. Because you will second guess and it will confuse you more. Let them all come to you in due course.
    I believe in God - Let go and Let God.

    I'm in the same boat. Forming a support group here is a blessing already :)

    I encourage you and the ladies here who are facing troubles with marriage to explore Retrouvaille.

    I am attending with my husband. This is a lifeline to save a marriage that we think worthwhile.
     
    Audrina and rip_curl like this.
  7. Gently Mellodious

    Gently Mellodious New Member

    Hi Audrina,

    Its not easy to face marriage betrayal.. I read somewhere that it is probably the second worst feeling one can ever have, ranking after the death of closest kin..

    I think rachel_fen is correct. right now u need to get a grip on yourself, as there are many many more decisions to make soon. when you are emotionally distressed, you cant make a fair assessment. Focus on kids, talk to people you trust, reduce/break off contact, go for a short holiday if necessary.

    end of day its a tussle between heart and brain. Ur brain surely knows whats the right thing to do. But the heart couldnt let go or bear to do it.

    this is a second case of cheating > serial cheater. If you decide to give a chance for the sake of family's completeness, know the long path of healing ahead, filled with suspicion, self-doubt, paranoid thoughts, and haunting of past memories. And thats not even considering things will work out or not. Its really like a big gamble u have to take. Is it worth it, for the sake of a complete family? and will this complete family, be happy, harmonious, emotionally joyful to raise your kids well?

    If decide that its worthwhile, go for it. But, i suggest putting a deadline, with some terms and conditions on him, and coupled with counselling.

    If you decide to D, then do a clean break. Do not be daunted by the path ahead. initially it might be difficult, but it could be a fresh new start. Right things that are worth doing are seldom easy.

    if your concern is that your kids will grow up without a father figure, then have to make it clear to him u are severing ur marriage with him, but are not removing him from your kids' life. He can still be a father to them, in a different way. And its important to remain cordial and 'business-like' in your dealings with him, lest negativity builds up and the relationship turn bitter in future. Its bad for the kids. Start treating him like your kids' father, instead of your husband/lover.

    This is going to be a very very tough battle. Be brave. be strong for your kids. envision the day you emerge from this unscathed. once you cross this hurdle, nothing much will probably bother you anymore in future.

    Jia You friend!
     
    Audrina and rip_curl like this.
  8. ing1

    ing1 Active Member

    I only have 1 question for you - if he cheats on you for the 3rd time, what will you do?

    i read somewhere and i quote here "the more chances you give someone the less respect they will start to have for you. They will begin to ignore the standards the you have set because they know another chance will always be given. They are not afraid of losing you because they know no matter what, you will not walk away."

    I have seen kids from single parent families, although tough but happy and carefree, esp for 1 where the dad passed away when she's very young. The missing fatherly figure which you mentioned in your earlier post does not seem applicable at all.

    No matter what you have decided eventually, stay strong. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you, in your case, you as a wife.

    Jia You!
     
  9. scarletpixie

    scarletpixie New Member

    Hi Audrina,

    i agree with confusedlife and ing1. i'm sorry to say you should never allow yourself to go through this torment, again.

    The second incident clearly speaks how much he respect the marriage. He's a grown man, a family man which he ought to know by now the consequences of betrayal.

    Like everyone's saying, focus on yourself and your kids. Don't be swayed by his words or actions again, be firm and brave. You'll make it through!
     
  10. Audrina

    Audrina New Member

    Could you share more about your experience with Retrouvaille? I briefly looked up at the website and it requires the couple to stay in for the weekend? My kids are very young so even if we are keen, nobody is able to help look after them for a weekend. :(
     
  11. Audrina

    Audrina New Member

    Thanks everyone for the kind advice. It is a very lonely and painful journey, and I'm thankful to find some solace here.

    Been keeping myself busy and focus on spending quality time with my kids. A lot of guilt towards them for not having a complete family although it is not my fault. The change in our family dynamic has somehow affected my elder one, like easily emotional, very needy or be mad at me for nothing. None of these happened before this whole thing broke out.

    I'm really tired. My heart and soul are broken. I don't know how and when I'll be completely healed.
     
  12. rachel_fen

    rachel_fen New Member

    Hi Audrina,

    It will be my first time attending it. And my Husband is also willing to attend. Firstly, you would have to register online for couple attendance. Unfortunately, kids cannot be present as it is a marriage for troubled marriage couples to work on their problems and hopefully resolve them. There are no minders. You would have to source for childcare separately. But I do hope both of you could be able to attend as the final lifeline to decide if both of you are aligned to go through life together. Or not.

    Please remember - I remind myself too. You have a choice to stay with the same man or without or with a different man - stay in the same situation or a different situation. It all starts with you.
     
  13. Hi I was in the same situation as u last year.. have 2 young kids studying in primary school.. and going to celebrate our 14th years of marriage.. one month before the wedding anniversary.. I discovered his EMA with a PRC.. apparently have been ongoing for 2 years.. plenty of lies and cheating and stealing of money during the 2 years he was with the PRC.. worst still his parents were aware if his EMA with the PRC and even allowed the PRC to stay with them when she was in Singapore.. tried to salvage the marriage for the sake of the kids but things just couldn’t workout.. I ended the 21 years of relationship and the 14 years marriage this year.. today I am a much happier woman .. raising my 2 kids on my own..
     
    rip_curl likes this.
  14. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Way to go mummy!!! You gave everyone the much needed positivity and that its not the end of the world, We all deserved someone better and kids will always be our priority
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019 at 8:32 AM

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