hubby is always working from 7am to till passed midnight

[Makiyo+sad]

Hi I am new here and would like to share about my marriage life.

Hubby is always working from morning till passed midnight. Off days also working as he always claiming that lots of work to clear.

I have never checked his phone until recently I was helping to setup his new HP and saw his messages telling his girl friend that he made it a point to come home late so that I am used to it. He also added that he has spend enough time with me and now should have his own time to spend with his girl friends. He also arranged gatherings with friends without informing me.

Since he can have gatherings with friends why can't he come home to have dinner with me?

Extremely lost and upset when I saw the messages. I confronted him and he said just messages and didn't mean anything. Now he has set new password so that I cannot access to his HP which hurt me even more.

We married for almost 30 years with a growth-up child. We hardly meet on weekdays as when he is off to work at 7am I am also sleeping and when he returns home passed midnight I am also sleeping. We only meet on weekends where he goes to work in the afternoon and during his off days.

My boy is another one that is always out and come home very late. I am always living alone in an empty house. I am a house-maker, a loner.

He is in his early 50 and I cannot believe he has full of energy. He is always on his HP surfing facebook, instagram, youtube, messaging & etc.

Hubby is always showering me with lots of gifts but this is not what I want. I envy seeing couples going to work together and returning home together.

Can a couple growing old and happily together?

Can anyone share please thanks

 

[cecehoneycomb]

Hi..I hear alot similiar situation from my friends like yours.I can only says is save more money for yourself and just go and take up some meaningful courses or activities to occupy yourself. As now,just dress yourself more and enjoy going out with your friends. HE and your son will be surprise and realise you more.
NO point keep sitting and thinking So much.That's my personal advice. LIVE LIKELY AND BE HAPPY

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Hi thank so much for your sharing.

I do have a substantial savings as I was a working executive before becoming a home-maker few years ago. I enjoy dressing up and doll up.
I do not go out often as I have a pet to take care. I never like leaving my pet alone at home as I know how it is like, therefore I do not neglect my pet.

Why must hubby behaving like a single man and forget all promises that he had made during our ROM?

 

[cecehoneycomb]

Dear..majority men are like that.THEY prefer something new from the others.*AS FOR PROMISES*,they always think that long as they did provide shelter, food and come home daily, that is enough to their So called promises . Stop thinking backward,look forwards and enjoy now ba.

 

[vanityprinceess]

Dear..majority men are like that.THEY prefer something new from the others.*AS FOR PROMISES*,they always think that long as they did provide shelter, food and come home daily, that is enough to their So called promises . Stop thinking backward,look forwards and enjoy now ba.

That's sad but I think it's true.

 

[lonely_desire78]

Ts,

I can imagine what you are going through. Its not pleasant. When two persons marry, it is often true that they marry each other at that moment in time... only and fail to realise that it is a long term relationship which goes beyond that moment in time. Long after the wedding bells are silenced and the wedding album photos start to yellow, what remains is the person and not the fanfare of the wedding ceremony. The characters in the photos are unchanged always, but its the characters in person which is changing outside the photo.

What is quite obvious is that both of you have developed quite different expectations of what the future ought to be. You are not wrong in what you hope for. But, you cannot stop what your hubby is starting (or already started) believing in. It is very unfortunate that people do change. One of my peers described this as a problem arising from having a child. His explanation may be one of the many, but surely is not the only explanation. He explained that when the kid is first born, both parents spend all their time and invest all their efforts at bringing up the child. The love is then on the child. But, when the child has grown up, this "focus" is no longer present and the parents realised that they have long drifted apart during the years of bringing up the child. Sounds familiar? Its a quite a common phenomenon. Chances are the relationship may have faded at some point in time.

It is a development which has occurred over quite a long period of time. Do not use the change in physical behaviour as a benchmark because people can change even when there is no external catalyst. At some point in time, he may have developed views much different from those that you knew from day 1.

Honestly, you can confront him. End of the day, its more of question of what do you want? Do you wish to pursue? You could pursue and dig, but would the outcome be what you desire? Or would status quo be a better "happy ending"? Humans are prone to all kinds of misdeeds. Question that will still come back each time is, what do you long to achieve? For him to change? If you wish for him to change, it will be quite a heart wrenching process. Read on.

Most people form their values and beliefs when they are young and still schooling. The only times when they do change is when something catastrophic occurs and that shapes what they see completely. And, all these changes happen because.... they desire for it to happen.

Even if in history, rulers fear the change of hearts more than the change of allegiance.

My two cents. One thing for sure is you are not alone in this.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Thanks so much for your sharing. Indeed most couples are closer when raising their children.

Hubby is a workaholic before we married and till now he never get tired of working.

We go holidays once or twice yearly and could see that he really enjoys during the trip but when back to work he is a workaholic.
He does all the housework and shopping for grocery during his rest days.
He keep telling me that he is really working late as too much work to clear daily.
He wants me to trust him that he didn't do anything unfaithful (but why lock his HP?)
He added why waste his time to involve in another relationship whereas he has a pretty wife & happy family.

Moving forward is the best but difficult.
Fortunately I have a loving pet that spend all the life with me.

 

[lonely_desire78]

Thanks so much for your sharing. Indeed most couples are closer when raising their children.

Hubby is a workaholic before we married and till now he never get tired of working.

We go holidays once or twice yearly and could see that he really enjoys during the trip but when back to work he is a workaholic.
He does all the housework and shopping for grocery during his rest days.
He keep telling me that he is really working late as too much work to clear daily.
He wants me to trust him that he didn't do anything unfaithful (but why lock his HP?)
He added why waste his time to involve in another relationship whereas he has a pretty wife & happy family.

Moving forward is the best but difficult.
Fortunately I have a loving pet that spend all the life with me.

May be to answer from my own point of view. I meet many clients. And i always leave my phone n pc on the table. Its not uncommon for me to forget that those things are left there unattended.

Thus i have a password on all my devices. Its not so much scared to let others know. But its work stuff.

If its work related reasons, having a pw is just normal. Just my view. May be he had similar reasons.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Hubby has two HPs - one for work and one for personal. He is a Head in a 5 starts hotel.

He told me the password but he now has changed new password saying that he didn't want me to read his messages and get upset again.
If he has nothing to hide why worry about it?

I never set password to my HP.

 

[lonely_desire78]

Like that, then fishy fishy. Anyway thats life. People change and little that we can do about it.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Not knowing what's happening is very upset but knowing the truth is even worst?
Why must there be secrets between husband and wife?
Life is like living with stranger rather than with spouse

 

[imcoffeelover]

you must have felt terrible this period. I suggest u occupy your life with other meaningful stuffs. Start getting yourself busy so your life doesnt revolve only around your hb. When he sees changes in you and see you becoming happier, he will be curious about you too!

My seniors always tells me, sometimes in marriage is must "open 1 eye close 1 eye"

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Now cold war as I don't have the mood to talk to hubby as feeling that I am living with a stranger.
He still prepare my meals before going to work.

He keeps messaging me and telling me that he didn't do anything unfaithful as has been always working.
My family members said he is always a caring hubby and daddy. They assured me that he will not do anything silly behind me.
My sister asked me to tell him to quit the job and that can prove that he cares.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

We stay in a 3 storey house and walking around from rooms to rooms thinking what to do. Day and night all by myself in a house. I have then signed up as a member @ MBS Casino with a few friends. I will go to casino for few hours on alternate days from morning to after lunch and home to accompany my pet. Me & hubby will go together to the casino occasionally but now going with friends quite not used to it as my life is always surrounded by him.

 

[cecehoneycomb]

Since you really care So much about him,Why don't you just trust his words and give both of you a try again.I can feel you are So puzzled and miserable now.Maybe there is Nothing happening but just all our wild guesses.Hope you are Happy again!

 

[lonely_desire78]

Now cold war as I don't have the mood to talk to hubby as feeling that I am living with a stranger.
He still prepare my meals before going to work.

He keeps messaging me and telling me that he didn't do anything unfaithful as has been always working.
My family members said he is always a caring hubby and daddy. They assured me that he will not do anything silly behind me.
My sister asked me to tell him to quit the job and that can prove that he cares.

I don't know if this will apply to you. May be just shut both eyes. If he bothered enough to cook for you, its still better than him doing nothing at all. Which is worse? Something or nothing?

Your sis is very short sighted. If a man is a player, he can be in any trade and he still can play. The only thing is that there is a learning curve for him to pick up new "ropes". No diff one..... Why suggest tie your hubby to the bed? That would be more efficient in stopping whatever suspected "wrong doing". Just my thoughts.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Thank you so much for your sharing.

Whenever I told him that I like "this" he would buy for me. Is hubby showering more care and gifts when doing wrong things?

 

[miloice]

You guys drifted apart. It didn't happen overnight. If you want to rebuild the relationship, you guys need to take small steps as well. You cannot force emotions. Firstly, how are your communication now? Checking on mobile isn't going to help, confronting him with that only reduce the trust and increase the defensiveness. Being old couples, if the relationship is good, the communication should allow both to talk and trash out just about anything without all these mistrust. Re-establish the communication as the first step, getting his understanding and commitment to rekindle the marriage comes later.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Thank you so much for your sharing.

We have no problem communicating as he will update me about his work and etc.. He still loves and care for me and family.
I begin not to trust him when the day I saw he messages which really shocked me.

 

[miloice]

Now cold war as I don't have the mood to talk to hubby as feeling that I am living with a stranger.
He still prepare my meals before going to work.

He keeps messaging me and telling me that he didn't do anything unfaithful as has been always working.
My family members said he is always a caring hubby and daddy. They assured me that he will not do anything silly behind me.
My sister asked me to tell him to quit the job and that can prove that he cares.

Cold war is totally unproductive and childish. How old are you already and still resorting to kiddish fights? Everyone have emotions and its understandable you need time to be left alone. Never stay in a cold war longer than necessary just over pride. If pride is more important, than forget the marriage. Appreciate more the good of each other, all these little things add up. Likewise, all the minor resentments build up negativity. Staying idle and expecting your partner fill your void, just will accumulate your wild imaginations as well.

Maintain a balance, you need your partner but you do not live only for him. You have your own passion and social activities. Gambling is very dangerous especially when you are emotionally confused. Your guard against risk will be affected and you will take non calculated or foolish risks.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

I used to send and fetch him from the hotel for years but now no longer as hubby knows I have problem waking up early and too tried to drive at night therefore do not want to trouble me.
He has just messaged me how am I feeling and have I eaten & etc..
I hope it is just my wild thoughts and go off soon.

 

[buddhabar]

"He told me the password but he now has changed new password saying that he didn't want me to read his messages and get upset again."
What kinda statement is this? Shouldn't he be removing his password and let you see all his messages so that you will know there's nothing
to it and will not get upset again? I would think that's the best assurance. He's literately telling you not to see those "messages" that he knows will upset you.

"He keeps messaging me and telling me that he didn't do anything unfaithful as has been always working"
I wonder how many men out there with 30 yrs of marriage and is still be so concern about their wife's anxiety
Guilt seems creeping into him if you ask me.

Not sure how you interpreted these and what will be your intend on it.
If you choose a confrontation, remember once you open the can,
you may not be able to contain what will be flowing out

Or you can live by the motto "what you don't know cant hurt you"
I swear I know of people who lives their entire live with this motto
aka "close 1 eye or maybe even 2"

 

[miloice]

Thank you so much for your sharing.

We have no problem communicating as he will update me about his work and etc.. He still loves and care for me and family.
I begin not to trust him when the day I saw he messages which really shocked me.

Sharing personally, I like biz trips, it is good for my relationship because it provides a legitimate reason for separation. Couples see each other all the time at home. Things get boring and we will crave for some private time. My wife was really clingy in early days of our relationship, up to a point, she would be upset and jealous over my hobbies and sports. Each time that I go without her, she has the feeling that all these are more important than her. That is not true at all, I just need a balance life, time to just enjoy doing my own things, catch up with my own friends, both men and women. The regular trips do help her learn to cope and find her own balance. I think the influencing of our partners doesn't end, we grow and progress together.

I was guilty of neglecting her as well. After sometime, we drifted as well. That's when I need to reflect and start taking the initiative to reconnect. Relationship is a dance, it is never constant. Adapting to the situation and needs, we give more attention or pull away when it is necessary.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

"He told me the password but he now has changed new password saying that he didn't want me to read his messages and get upset again."
What kinda statement is this? Shouldn't he be removing his password and let you see all his messages so that you will know there's nothing
to it and will not get upset again? I would think that's the best assurance. He's literately telling you not to see those "messages" that he knows will upset you.

"He keeps messaging me and telling me that he didn't do anything unfaithful as has been always working"
I wonder how many men out there with 30 yrs of marriage and is still be so concern about their wife's anxiety
Guilt seems creeping into him if you ask me.

Thank so much for your sharing.

Hubby has been showering love, gifts and care since our marriage and that's why I couldn't accept the fact that he set new password and those messages that I read.
The messages which I read keep ringing in my ears. He said messages just to show off to his friend. I have never been so depressed since our marriage.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Sharing personally, I like biz trips, it is good for my relationship because it provides a legitimate reason for separation. Couples see each other all the time at home. Things get boring and we will crave for some private time. My wife was really clingy in early days of our relationship, up to a point, she would be upset and jealous over my hobbies and sports. Each time that I go without her, she has the feeling that all these are more important than her. That is not true at all, I just need a balance life, time to just enjoy doing my own things, catch up with my own friends, both men and women. The regular trips do help her learn to cope and find her own balance. I think the influencing of our partners doesn't end, we grow and progress together.

I was guilty of neglecting her as well. After sometime, we drifted as well. That's when I need to reflect and start taking the initiative to reconnect. Relationship is a dance, it is never constant. Adapting to the situation and needs, we give more attention or pull away when it is necessary.

Thank you for your sharing.

We jealous due to love and it is normal.
Hubby is a sport person as he goes to the gym or swimming whenever he has time. He always asked me to join him and I went with him occasionally.

Me and hubby don't spend alot of time together as he is always working from morning till midnight, therefore we always treasure our time together.
He will take off to accompany me for annual checkup, visit my parents, shopping, holidays etc but just never finish work early.

 

[miloice]

yes, it natural but it is something that one can learn to manage. Likewise, the emptiness you experienced, you can also help cope better with it. Working till midnight EVERYDAY is kind of extreme. Do share with him about having special days for each other.

 

[jjjk]

Hello, I have been following this thread since it started. Sorry if come across blunt, but I just wonder if there is a possibility that you are suffering from menopausal depression triggered by the messages you found in your husband's phone.

I too first thought that the messages sounded very suspicious, but your later messages about your husband's acts of love and care seem to suggest that he is still genuinely cares about you. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think it's very fair to him to assume that he being extra nice because he's guilty. You do sound disturbed and consumed by your negative thoughts and as your husband he should've noticed the change in you too. Any good man should show the extra concern to his wife in her bad times.

I definitely cannot be sure that your husband is not guilty and like the rest, I believe that communication is the only way to salvage your relationship. I just hope to offer another perspective so that a marriage of decades may not be wasted by unfounded suspicion and fears.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

I cannot imagine where he gets the energy from as he wakes up at 6.30am and reach home midnight.
He said he is getting tired but no choice as lots of work to clear.

Now what I wish to request hubby to remove his password but of course I will not check his hp every daily.
I believe he will do so if he has nothing to hide and still care for my feeling.
I yet to talk to him about this. I hope this request is not too much

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Hello, I have been following this thread since it started. Sorry if come across blunt, but I just wonder if there is a possibility that you are suffering from menopausal depression triggered by the messages you found in your husband's phone.

Thank you for your sharing.

Me & hubby look much younger than our age (we are in our early 50) as many think that we are in our 40s.
I am not sure if I am suffering from menopause as I am still have menses regularly.

I believe it is too hard to accept when hubby has been such a loving person can say such hurting words.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Hubby surprised me by coming home around 10pm last night. To many spouses it is considered late. He said he will try to come home early from now.
Again he keeps saying that he didn't do any unfaithful and ask me to trust him and do not to have wild thoughts.
He works late because of work. He asked me to call his secretary to check if necessary.
He said he could swear if I need him to do so.

Last night I took the opportunity to tell him that there is already a bearer by setting password on his HP as husband & wife should not have any secrets.
He said he could unlock the HP anytime for me to check but I wish him to release the password instead.
Hubby said that if a person wants to do something behind the spouse, there is always a way and by checking HP will not help as messages can be deleted.
Finally he let me know the password this morning and I told him that I will not check his HP unnecessary.

For those messages which I read earlier he said it was just messages and nothing else. I just have to trust him.
Hubby said he only went once for dinner with ex-colleagues to catchup. He didn't inform me as he knows I will not let him go.

Marriage takes two to tango.

 

[jjjk]

That's great to hear!

 

[cecehoneycomb]

Feel Happy for u.Co's at least He care for u. Treasure the love and care He is giving u dear

 

[buddhabar]

As long as you are both sincere in trying.... you can work things out.
All the best ..... the light is just there at the end of the tunnel.

 

[miloice]

Glad to hear what a loving husband you have. Cherish him. Frankly, when you said "it is too hard to accept when hubby has been such a loving person can say such hurting words." Its really kind of over-reaction to me... you are being too sensitive here. Yes, couples should be open with each other. I fully believe in that, however, we take care of our partners too. We care for their feelings. So, some level of filtering is necessary. For example, any sensible partner will not repeat word for word the complains of our parents to our spouses. Likewise, we don't expect our spouse to tell their parents what we told them.

Any person will need a balanced life. Since he is into sports and all these, so, you expect him to yearn for time for all these. In a way, it is conditioning the partner's expectation. Just when he shares with his friend, you might not know the full context. He could be assuring his friend that are having some issues with their partners as well and him explaining it is normal that the guy would want some personal time. I would think his initial response to protect with password is a natural one because he felt invaded and untrusted. It is good that when he calms down, he is able to work things out together. Don't come to the conclusion immediately. Our immediate reactions when emotional are MOSTLY irrational.

When I first dated my wife, it felt like reporting for the sake of doing so, I'm spontaneous and do not always need to plan. So, I cannot tell or commit on what time I will be back or where will I be. To her, it was being 'responsible' to inform. We had our childish fights for trivial things like this. Most couples will. That's where we influence each other all the time. Aligning and managing our expectations.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Dear friends, thank you so much for your sharing.

I am an introvert person whereas hubby is the opposite.
I get jealous & upset easily whereas he is more understanding & open minded.

I forgive him but I will never forget.
As of now I will just have to move step and step.

 

[buddhabar]

Remember.......
Happiness can only exist in acceptance

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Thank you for the enlightenment

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Hi everyone, good morning.

Hubby took 4 days leave to spend with me and we checkin MBS Hotel followed by BBQ buffet dinner & Casino last night.
After the dinner he surprised by saying that he is planning to leave his well paid job to find another job which allows him to spend more time with me.
Hubby said he has been taking me for granted all these years and thinking that it is fine for me to be at home with my Golden Retriever.
I know that it is difficult for him to get a lower position job as he has been a Head in Hotel trade for more than 10 years.

I asked him to retire early so that we can spend more time together but he is still strong and healthy. Am I cruel to ask him to do so?
Moreover he is a sport person and always active. Dad reminded that keeping hubby by my side is not a good idea as he will die earlier
But I will die earlier if he continues working day and night.

Hubby suggested that I visit him in the hotel every night so that I can see him daily but this is not a good idea.
Now we still thinking what is best for us.

 

[miloice]

hi, there are no fixed answers, the fact that your husband loves working this much, a big part of him will be lost when he retire. That void would need to be filled. So, do work out a retirement plan to allow him to remain fulfilled. He too might die earlier if he loses direction and motivation. His suggestion to involve you in his world life is a good one frankly. You might distract him but it gives you all the transparency you need for assurance. At the same time, allow both family and work needs to be fulfilled. Do consider all the options before coming to a decision. At the end of the day, no one should be forced into decision, he needs to do it willingly and be able to cope with the changes. You need to look not just about your own needs but also his. No one understand him better than his spouse of 30 years. Will he be fulfilled and happy this way?

 

[Makiyo+sad]

We are financially stable and debts free. Hubby does not wish to retire so early as he said he is still fit to work.
I know he will be lost and depress once he stops working as he is so used to busy life.

Hubby said it is impossible for him to finish work early as there are lots of work to do daily.
He is a responsible person and always ensure everything is fine before leaving the hotel.
He would check all outlets & address problems immediately. By the time he makes his rounds is already very late.
So it is best that he leaves his job.

Ultimately one of us will be depressed

 

[Jehvy]

To be depressed is a choice. I actually think you should learn how to keep yourself occupied with activities of interest or try participating in voluntary work etc. Find something meaningful in your life rather than just depend on your husband’s company to make you happy. It is obvious that your husband enjoy his job even if it keeps him very busy. To take that away from him because of your own happiness would be selfish. Even if he is willing to retire early and be with you, he might not be happy. Is that what you ultimately want? When his void isn’t fulfill like what Miloice said, he might not be the happy and confident husband that you once have.

I do think you have the answer inside; you just have to come in terms with it. Follow your heart.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

I have been depending on my hubby since our courtship and till now (30 years marriage) I still need him besides me.
I wish I could enjoy myself with friends but I just could not do it. I think I only can find happiness with hubby around.
He took 4 days leave to accompany me and we had our happy time but when he is off to work this morning I started missing him and feeling lonely again.

Hubby's secretary shared with him that she would be happier if her hubby could work hard to support the family and allow her to be a housewife.
Everyone is saying that hubby is enjoying his work as that is the place where he finds happiness. It makes me feel that he should marry to his work.
Life is not only working meh. I don't want a workaholic hubby as there is no life at all.
Everyday he would only see me sleeping except during his off days.

I told him he could continue working if he could come home by 9pm but he said too much work and is not possible.
He proposed that I visit him often but no point as he will be too busy.

Hope there are better solutions.

 

[miloice]

A compromise do not need to be extreme choices. A change in job scope is feasible. Your husband just needs to let go. Taking a more adviser role than being the one overseeing everything. No one is indispensable in job.

 

[jjjk]

Your husband has spoilt you all these years. Every one in the forum has been giving you a lot of suggestions but you just reject all of them with your self-centered justifications and continue to dwell in your own plight.

To be honest, from all that you have written, it's undeniable you married a good man who gives your feelings a lot priority. It may be true that not everyone will be envious of a workaholic husband, but if he wasn't this committed to his work, you probably wouldn't be able to live the kind of life you have now. You may say that you'd rather not live in a big house alone blah blah, but it's all free talk.

Life is not only about working indeed, but life in not only about you too. Given the current mindset, when your husband stops working and you can no longer be sure of his time not spent with you, you will start getting suspicious of his actions again.

Your husband has already tried to give in and proposed solutions. There will be no 'solution' acceptable to you until you can count your blessings, appreciate your husband more and learn to compromise. It's not only your way or the high way.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

A compromise do not need to be extreme choices. A change in job scope is feasible. Your husband just needs to let go. Taking a more adviser role than being the one overseeing everything. No one is indispensable in job.

He can be an adviser and he is considering. Actually hubby can work with my dad but it is not advisable as need to travel frequently.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Your husband has spoilt you all these years. Every one in the forum has been giving you a lot of suggestions but you just reject all of them with your self-centered justifications and continue to dwell in your own plight.

To be honest, from all that you have written, it's undeniable you married a good man who gives your feelings a lot priority. It may be true that not everyone will be envious of a workaholic husband, but if he wasn't this committed to his work, you probably wouldn't be able to live the kind of life you have now. You may say that you'd rather not live in a big house alone blah blah, but it's all free talk.

Life is not only about working indeed, but life in not only about you too. Given the current mindset, when your husband stops working and you can no longer be sure of his time not spent with you, you will start getting suspicious of his actions again.

Your husband has already tried to give in and proposed solutions. There will be no 'solution' acceptable to you until you can count your blessings, appreciate your husband more and learn to compromise. It's not only your way or the high way.

Before my marriage I stayed with my parents in a 3 storey house as well and parents always on biz trips. My life has been always lonely.
After married what I asked for is a home with family and not a house. Hubby does not need to work hard to give me a comfortable life as I have my own savings.

I agreed that I am too self-centered and has been me since young.

 

[miloice]

in this era, globalization is a reality. Opportunities to remain is local market is very limited and we compete with foreigners as well with our well known immigrant policies. He really pamper you too much. The first biz trip, I had to call my wife daily for 3 months. Now, she is completely autonomous. People can evolve and adapt. It is a matter of decision. No such thing as you can only be happy in one situation. There are people with positive mindsets despite the most difficult and unthinkable scenarios. A person that needs the perfect environment to be happy will never be happy. They don't even realize their happiness is not truly derived by all these. Think about it.

My 2 cents.

 

[Makiyo+sad]

Miloice, thanks for your sharing. Would most hubby working from morning to midnight and leaving wife at home?
Life without hubby has no happiness and I am always looking forward to his off days to spend time with me.
Fortunately I have my Golden besides me else will be even worst.

I have been lonely since young as parents travel frequently and I spent most of my time with the maid.
I thought that after married I would have my own family besides me but hubby & son are always working.
I always envy couples that can spend time together.
In our life we do not have many 10 years to live.

I think I am reasonable by asking my hubby to be home by 9pm

 

[miloice]

Hi, your needs are frustrations are understandable.

Your comments about biz travel, do realize having a stable local job that is paying well is already something rare. My point isn't to say there is a fixed solution and expectation. It isn't your way or the highway and nothing in between that could be worked out. Whatever change you guys work out, it will not be a single step. Even if he agrees with 9pm. I don't think he will fulfill it all the time. You will not gain happiness by the number of times he is home early or not. Rather, the sufficient quantity of really quality time that both of you appreciate together. Beyond that, you need to find your balance beyond just the time you have with him alone. You seem to only look to him to provide you all the need to fill your gap. With your son, you have to let go, if he gains the right maturity to come back, its good, if not, there is really nothing you can really do about it. It is a bit too late to impart any bonding and values to him now to make him spend more time with you.

On your question, "Would most hubby working from morning to midnight and leaving wife at home?". Frankly, I agree with you. It is not healthy for wife to stay home all day. Its bad for her psychologically. She needs to be very proactive to maintain a balance life as stay home spouse. It is not easy at all. I would prefer my wife to be engaged actively or passively with some work or interest groups herself. It is necessary for her to maintain some level of engagement externally and not rely on the marriage and spouse to provide all the attention. Humans all need social interaction, don't just rely on the marriage for that. It is kind of unsustainable and unrealistic as well, after working for more than 12 hours daily to have the same level of energy and commitment at home. My 2 cents.

 

[lonely_desire78]

Hi, your needs are frustrations are understandable.

Your comments about biz travel, do realize having a stable local job that is paying well is already something rare. My point isn't to say there is a fixed solution and expectation. It isn't your way or the highway and nothing in between that could be worked out. Whatever change you guys work out, it will not be a single step. Even if he agrees with 9pm. I don't think he will fulfill it all the time. You will not gain happiness by the number of times he is home early or not. Rather, the sufficient quantity of really quality time that both of you appreciate together. Beyond that, you need to find your balance beyond just the time you have with him alone. You seem to only look to him to provide you all the need to fill your gap. With your son, you have to let go, if he gains the right maturity to come back, its good, if not, there is really nothing you can really do about it. It is a bit too late to impart any bonding and values to him now to make him spend more time with you.

On your question, "Would most hubby working from morning to midnight and leaving wife at home?". Frankly, I agree with you. It is not healthy for wife to stay home all day. Its bad for her psychologically. She needs to be very proactive to maintain a balance life as stay home spouse. It is not easy at all. I would prefer my wife to be engaged actively or passively with some work or interest groups herself. It is necessary for her to maintain some level of engagement externally and not rely on the marriage and spouse to provide all the attention. Humans all need social interaction, don't just rely on the marriage for that. It is kind of unsustainable and unrealistic as well, after working for more than 12 hours daily to have the same level of energy and commitment at home. My 2 cents.

Spot on. Marriage is only one aspect of human life. Same as having kids. Wife and husband also need to maintain their own respective social circles.

From the man point of view, it would scary if the wife keep asking "where are you?" and "why so late?"

Mental health comes from a balance of all activities and interaction with different social communities, not just within the family. May be, some ladies are still more traditional and still believe that their lives should revolve round the man, after marriage.