How to win him back?

[heartpain]

Hi all

I have been married for coming to 4 years. I have already post in separate thread on the problems I am facing in my marriage.

Basically, my husband is 50:50 on whether to give up or to continue with the marriage. He has been going out a lot, to enjoy time and activities with his friends, coming home late. We are now spending a v little time together as a couple compared to the past. He doesn't ignore me completely, but still cares for me sometimes. However, I feel that the gap btw us is very wide compared to the past. He is not sharing with me on his life, friends and work, as much as before.

I understand the need for him to hve personal space and I don't question or nag at him when he needs to go out often, to enjoy and release his stress.

I really want to save the marriage because I love him a lot. I don't want to lose him. I guess I only have 50% chance now. I am starting to change, to make the home nice and comfortable for him and to groom and doll myself.

I would really appreciate any advice (esp from the men) on what would touch your heart and make you stay on, if you are lost and unsure of your relationship at a certain point in time.

 

[ckgal]

it take two to save a marriage. Unless u have done something very wrong if not, what is there to change.

 

[jojo28]

Ya,agree...

I feel that personally for me, if i want to win a person back, i will considerly think about it.

No matter, how i groom myself, and if my loved one have already change of heart, he wont even bother to look at me cos he is already sian of me already.

I know the pain you are going through but, what you describe sound like ex-fiance,going out a lot, to enjoy time and coming home late. When i start to nag at him, he would say what is the big deal. Free then meet la, not free then don meet. Is it important. and he would start to bring out the issues.. As i mentioned before quality time is better than quantity time.

Anyway, heartpain, please do take good care of yourself.

 

[lovingyou]

heartpain: you have been married for 4 years, what causes this sudden change in your HB? Any major arguments prior to such changes?

 

[betty81]

Was there a lost of connection somewhere in time? Why is he not sharing things with u anymore? If he is not sharing it with you, is there any other avenue he is sharing it with?

When a connection is broken, it means that there is some emotional need of your hubby which is not being met.

Sometimes pple drift apart not because of a big issue but due to small little things which add up.

 

[duckyholic]

hi heartpain

i have read about your post and seriously feel that you should not try to win him back
cos if you do so, the chance that you will be hurt the 2nd time is very high

when his heart is already not with you, the reason why he is 50-50 now on this marriage i feel is out of some convenience and the lazyiness and the hassle to go through all the necessary for the divorce. Frankly speaking, there is some lack of push factors that make him wanna do it all at this moment

but once he found someone else emotionally that he can settle down with, he wun hesitate to leave you sad to say so . Human tend to be more selfish and man usually wanna find a relacement first.
When not , with you around, seriously speaking, there isnt much disadvantages to him right ? you could clean the house, take care of him, live something like a room-mate or companion when he is really free.....

when u say he care about you , is not surprise cos afterall you have known each other for a long time and the care shouldnt be taken as " love"

I have 1 collegue almost exact same situation as you , marry to her hb , both are each other first bf /gf
after some years, the hb start to complain about the wife looks and appearance and even tell her if she dun go facial, wun bring her to his co.dinner etc....
my collegue trying to win the hb . change her warerobe entirely etc, this drag on for a few years,... finally this year, the hb left and decide to divorce her no matter how she had changed

he realise that the world outside is very big and has lost interest in marriage and sticking to 1 woman...

 

[lovingyou]

Temptations is always high on the outside.. wonder how is Heartpain now?

 

[icygal]

It's hard to find THE faithful guy... And yet able to take care of you~~ gosh

 

[heartpain]

Duckyholic

You are right. I got myself terribly hurt and bruised again. And this is not the first, not the second time. I lost count.

All this while, I hold steadfast to my feelings for him.

I still love him, but I think I have really no choice but to give up and let go....

 

[sgbabydoll]

Heartpain, unless you can give him unconditional love that expects no reciprocation, it is very hard to maintain such a relationship in healthy level.

 

[icygal]

Yeah heartpain, for me I will advice you to move on to a better life.

If as a devoted person, I will advice you to continue your love for him but on the condition that you will let him go if giving your ALL to him & YET he chose another path for his life. Remember it must be a life that both of you choose to spend together & not one sided... Will you be by his side faithfully & loving him, in regards of him rich/poor, sickness/health, loyal/infidelity????

 

[jonah_jo]

Try having a heart to heart talk with him and let him know how you feel. Perhaps he needs his own space or put it this way, men simply distance themselves when girls are too nice or showered too much attention on them.

Pick up a new hobby or get to know more friends. EVen if you don't feel like it, I think it's only right you deserve to treat yourself better instead of dwelling on him all day long and make yourself unhappy.

Dress up for yourself. Look good and think on the brighter side. You don't dress up to keep your man but for yourself. Enjoy your own company and let him know that with or without him, you're not lacking anything. You simply look better and better.

Are you tying your self esteem to him?

 

[heartpain]

Hi Jonah

Thank you for offering your advice. No, I am not tying my self-esteem to him. As a single, I think I can do well since i have a good career.

I had many heart to heart talks with him over the years. As I have mentioned in this thread and my older thread, sometimes he will show he care for me and want to work on it, sometime he will be v heartless and said hurtful things like he has no feelings for me and why I still hang on and dont let go...

We had too many talks and we are heading nowhere...I cannot see a future now and I do not even know whether he had any true feelings for me in the past 10 over years and now.

I am trying hard to let go of him completely. Don't want to bluff myself and get hurt over and over again. Not to allow myself to raise my hope even if he show any signs of care for me. Like what duckyholic said, his care is just for a friend....

 

[sgbabydoll]

Can't accept when love is over?

 

[mark78]

Reading on your first post. Heart pain, are you clueless to his needs? Sorry, this is a like reading my ex wife question to her friends. Well you really need to find out the missing puzzle.

Guys outside late, work commitment? Don't just assume. Btw dressing up well do not solve the problem.

 

[heartpain]

Sorry, not sure what is your message to me..

I am v lost..because he seems to be unhappy with everything abt me....his needs????? He has been saying he wants to find a soulmate who meet his criteria...he said he is someone who needs to see and plan for a future.

what can I do?

 

[icygal]

Oh... Is he implying that you are not that soulmate that meet his criteria???

 

[mark78]

Question: Are you clueless to his needs?
Possible answer : space or the need to meet friends as for some guys life don't just equate to spending time with wife.

your hb question Need to see and plan for a future? Then ask yourself why is it so? Are you hindering him from his goals?

I did told my (ex) wife that if he continued to be a hindering block to my goal. i will terminate the relationship.

Yes that very COLD and blunt but its the truth. Her actions are way beyond what i can tolerate and its affect my health, my life and most importantly i see a very BLEAK future with her.

 

[heartpain]

Hi Mark

Sorry but you sounded harsh to me. I dont want to be defensive but pls let me explain.

In the past, my husband will spend a lot of time with me. He doesnt go out with friends, drinking and clubbing etc.

He was a total changed person in recent 1-2 months, going out almost every day...mixing with new friends etc (different frm his old buddies)

To me, it was like a complete change in personality.

I didnt stop him cos he said he realised this is the life he wants. He want to be honest with himself. He hated his "past" 20 years.

My husband does not like to deal with uncertainty. He has to know what his future is going to be so he has something to work towards. He cannot stand my happy-go-lucky way of life where I dont plan very long term ahead. BUT i have never stop him from setting goals and I always supported him.

Maybe he felt the same as you. He said being with me is affecting his health, life and future. He blames it on me

Sigh

 

[applepie2]

I think u shd just do ur best so that at least u wont regret u did not try right ?

but if love is lost, sometimes it is really hard as well.

U need to stay strong at such times. Love yourself even if he does not love you anymore.

 

[alcifertoh]

Change of personality or he had been trying to fit a different mould than who he was for the previous years till now he decided it's time to be out of the shell for good.

You have to come to terms with his "new" personality. Either if it is possible to compromise or work out a win win situation for both to sustain the relationship or you have to seek for your own happiness and life. Don't force yourself to cling on to something that's no longer there at your own expenses.

 

[mark78]

Heart Pain, mixing with new friends, maybe just friends who show him or make him realise his GOALS.

My wife is just like you . happy go lucky and often question me on the need to work hard and even spend without saving for the future. But she well to do so she can really do it. As for me i prefer a honest day of work to earn my dough.

After reading i feel that he just got his wake up call to WORK HARD and maybe your life and his LIFE is glued together that why you are not used to it. When i got busy my ex wife become so "unused" to the idea of me returning home late. Infact i need room for myself. I will return home early without her knowledge and read my books.

Why not discard your happy go lucky way IF its true and maybe u will see a future ahead. Its good to be independent and two independent parties will come together for a great height - interdependent.

don know if u understand what i am typing.

 

[muji]

Hi Heartpain,

There must be a catalyst to the change and somehow I do not feel that there is a problem arising from his change in habits except that he is not spending the usual time around you anymore. Personal space is important but a marriage works on common space.

However as a gal, I think being too focused on solving this may not work unless you know what it takes to capture his attention back to home. The interest out there definitely had outgrown the predictable lifestyle at home.

We are worried because it may seem like he is indulging in the life outside as an individual and not with you anymore. Perhaps you could tell him that you notice he is enjoying himself and you feel he really seem happier and tell him that you hope this is the life he has wanted all the time. I think being on his side will decrease his immediate negative response of "She is starting her talk and counselling again".

What do you think? Hope it helps and gets better.

 

[mark78]

heart pain can u pm me.

 

[heartpain]

Thanks all who take time to post.

May help if you have read my old post

"My heart has shattered into a million pieces"

I have nothing else to say...

Just have to move on.

 

[mark78]

imho, i feel that u give up too soon too fast.

 

[heartpain]

Hi Mark

I have pm you.

Let me know if you have any advice for me. tks!

 

[fressia]

hi heartpain, i understand what you are gg thru. The feeling of emptiness and insecurity. You two are at the different level of frequency and do not see eye to eye to issues/expectations. Each holding on to his/her own rights. I concur with duckyholic, the reason why he cares for you could be because of the marriage obligation and not out of love. Till the day he met with temptation, his true colour may just unveil. Some may advise that you two need to communicate. It can be easier said than done esp if the other party is not willing and hold on to his rights. One solution is to see a counsellor (even if it means going alone) to work on yourself first. Once you are able to see yourself (strengths/weaknesses/blind spots) in a better light, you are able to love.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi heartpain,

There is something to take note when dating or marrying a trophy husband. That is you must not treat him like a trophy as he already have enough admirers.

Eg. My hubby gets fancy chocolates from his admirers.

Me : These chocolates taste really good. Oh! Why is she not married yet?

Hubby (laughing away): Because she's not pretty enough.

Eg. Hubby sends his staff back home at night. He will be tired after a long day at work.
I don't want him to travel and fetch me so I sms to him that I'm safely in a taxi.

Me : I'm in a taxi, on the way home.

Hubby : I'm coming after you.

So hubby chased after a taxi and caught up with me.

In the car,
Hubby : Why didn't you call me after you finish?

Me : I didn't want to trouble you.

Hubby : Trouble? Trouble is something I can decide for myself. I can send my staff home, whatmore you are my wife!

Although he sounded angry and exapperated with me, he did have an adventure chasing after a taxi.

See? Marriage life will never be boring so you should be the trophy wife not him.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"the reason why he cares for you could be because of the marriage obligation and not out of love."

A meaningful and successful marriage requires more than two caring people who care about each other.

 

[jonah_jo]

Hi heartpain

It's pretty scary to be with someone who shows you a lot of concern but sometimes so cold and heartless. I don't mean that by dressing up and making more friends, you can keep it. If that's the case, it won't be long.

It's just a way to keep yourself preoccupied. No matter what, you both need friends of your own, hobbies of your own or else it's a matter of time, you feel draining.

Why don't you spend some time with him if he goes out with his friends if he's fine with it? That allows you to take a peek into his world and understand him more. It could also be due to work stress. He might have felt he has given up a lot on his part so he felt lousy on the himself.

Give him time. End of the day, you could only do your best. You can only see long term results provided he's willing to work on it as well.

 

[sgbabydoll]

If a person shuts his/her door to you, there is no way you can force yourself in.