How to trust him again

[tehsiudai]

havin so much arguments w hubby since aug & it started after he changed his job ... pls tell me if i can stil trust him .. are these tell-tale signs tt i'm losin him?
1) son & i fell ill & instead of being home straight after church, he went movie w FIL, came home oni aft 6 hours!
2) while @ home, always on hp & net claimin it's his work & colleagues
3) puttin in more effort in his dressing & getting latest hp (i don even noe how to access his hp cos of password)
4) work late & had energy to entertain his colleagues past midnite on weekdays??
5) constantly on hp durin wkends
6) drop son & me @ a mall & claim to b meetin FIL to settle some matters, made us waited for hrs & right b4 my eyes were my in-laws, imagine my disbelief?!?!
7) weekly drinking sessions w colleagues, expect babysitter/ my parents to look after son while he's out, i had to rush back from work so as not to trouble them
8) last min meetin w friend (dun even who??) on a sun, abandon us for 6 hrs & called me oni when he's done
9) last eve, i was @ d clinic & wanted him to pick me up, he claimed tt he was not able to leave his camp yet, i called d babysitter 5 min later & was told tt he picked up my son liao, how cld he possibly get home so quickly (drivin @ speed of light??)

there r too many things unaccounted for & whenever i ask him, he always point his finger @ me & said tt i was pickin on him ... wat can i do to maintain my sanity??

 

[cherrygirl]

AC, have you consider to get "follow" him or get PI to check on him?

 

[tehsiudai]

yeah but is it worth it? i dun noe if i can accept outcome lor .. i mentioned divorce in our arguments but he ended up apologising. he asked me to trust him & said he wld tell me when he's ready .. feel so down cos cant share w my gd fren ..

 

[cherrygirl]

u have to follow ur instincts.. by ur above mentioned 9 actions, its really very suspicious and fishy..

 

[tehsiudai]

actually got more but too many to list ... now totally lost

 

[cherrygirl]

i think u should check on him.. don't wait till its TOO LATE!!
if the outcome is that he is not seeing someone else, at least you can a piece of mind..

anyway, if ur hubby is seeing someone else, i don't think he will admit rite? No one is stupid to self-confess until he is caught by evidence..

 

[ene]

What does he mean by "tell you when he's ready"?!

That sounds like he's just waiting for the "right" time to tell you something horrible!

Sheesh.

 

[tehsiudai]

yeah u're rite, well at least i've let out some steam .. now tt i look at d site add it seems kinda ironical, Dream Wedding .. wat comes next?

 

[tehsiudai]

ene
dun noe y he said tt also, cant get anythin outta fr him

 

[clipperjunk]

why don't you disappear with the son for a couple of days too at your parents'...when he questions, let him know he's doing exactly the same and then asks for a real talk...

 

[cherrygirl]

ya man.. ene suddenly reminds me of something..

u better go get evidence first and protect urself.

if u wait for him to find the "right time" or when "he's ready" to tell , maybe you become too lost to do anything.. u will be in losing end..

there are some deadly signs of an Extramarital Affairs: (some of them quite similar to what you have mentioned) so WATCH OUT!

1) Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The 'victim' of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.
He can becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him or you don't trust him, usually out of guilt.

2) He's dressing better - could be that he has a new woman he is trying to impress with his sense of style.

3) He stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you. Coz he has someone else to talk to..

4) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID and all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

5) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.
When confronted with his excessive late night hours in front of the monitor, one cheater responded "it's none of your business. I'm entitled to my privacy." Unfortunately the internet has opened up a whole new way to infidelity. When your spouse suddenly needs a private email or bank account (which they become highly defensive about maintaining) there is a good chance that they are hiding something, and that something is probably marital infidelity. Hiding credit card statements and phone bills are also among the signs of infidelity.

6) He loses attention in the activities in the home and has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.

7) Reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.

8) for more clues : check out http://www.chatcheaters.com/warning.html

9) Lastly, Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

 

[maybe_maybe]

true.... my stupid hb let me found out cos he did not have the decency to delete his phone bills. . heheh

 

[tehsiudai]

clipperjunk
my parents' pl is too accessible, can even see who's @ home fr d carpark ... maybe i sh check into a 6* hotel & pamper myself, gr8 idea!

cherry
tk u 4 d tips .. was reading some of them & they all seem to fit so well .. now probably have to look for a gd lawyer (hopefully wont burn a big hole in my pocket)

 

[cherrygirl]

huh.. AC.. how to look for a gd lawyer when u no evidence.. should start looking for a good PI.. find the truth first.. what if he is that special 1% who didnt cheat?

 

[tehsiudai]

maybe
hi was reading ur thread, some men jus plain careless lor, mine used to be but now he clever lor, dump them in carpark bins .. now my concern is for my darling son, he is 4 but v mature, he sometimes will tell his babysitter wat happened at home

 

[maybe_maybe]

1st thing i did, after i found out abt his affair; was to draw out every single cent from out jT ac and pamper myself..2nd i shred his clothes and threw the rest out.. and scratched his cds collection and poured water over his expensive sound system and his keffe spealers... now i am at peace... vented my anger

 

[cherrygirl]

if me, i probably cut a hole on every of his pants, shorts, trousers , underwear, every single clothes.. see how he can go out

 

[tehsiudai]

haha tt's d ultimate ..
wonder wat he wld do if tt happens, resort to wearin my clothes??
do u ever ask urself y these things happen? r we really meant 4 each other? right fr d beginning it seems he's d one cos i prayed hard tt i dun have a MIL cos i dun wan to be like my mum suffered so much, now i wish i had some support fr his family. my FIL remarried & hardly sees his grandson .. seems so dysfunctional!?!

 

[sgbabydoll]

Go ahead and destroy your husband and his possessions if you don't want him back. Then don't ever ask how you can trust him again.

 

[kessie83]

i would hire a PI.. this is highly suspicious...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Kessie, after getting the evidence, what do you think a woman should do with the info? I think before we throw a few thousand dollars away we should at least be clear about what we can or want to do with what we get later. Or else these evidences would only become rubbish. Bear in mind that whatever evidences you don't use within six months will not be valid in court. If you just want to confront your husband, you don't really need evidences.

 

[simpleman]

*shake my head*

 

[powder]

half the time i see ladies who already got very obvious signs, waste their time n money collecting further evidence to double-confirm. triple-confirm... then dun know wat to do... the whole focus and obssession is in proving an affair.

what next? if wanna be so aggressive, at least know what u wanna do... dun later regret shutting the door behind yourself.

 

[aaronc]

"havin so much arguments w hubby since aug & it started after he changed his job ... pls tell me if i can stil trust him .. are these tell-tale signs tt i'm losin him? "

I think it just boils down to being patient and listening. Why argue? You are both grown adults, if two person shouting at each other, which of them is even listening? Everyone is just trying to get their point across and prove each other wrong, won't it be better if one of you choose to just be quiet and listen? At least hear the whole story, analyze it first and then talk sense. It will not work if both parties flare up.

You earn trust, it is not given. If you are to have the slightest doubt in him, the doubt would build on itself, making you doubt his every move, his every reason, his every actions. It will become a greater doubt. It will never go away. We live today, what was yesterday was the past, let go and move on. Is there anything you can do about something that has already been done?

From my point of view, as a guy, if my wife/GF starts shouting or quarrel or trying to find fault and choose not to listen to what I want to say/explain, I would have shut myself out. I won't even bother to explain or inform her on my actions, cos there is no point explaining cos I would be bombarded no matter even if I am right or wrong. If you don't treasure or respect me, why should I?

Patience can be a virtue, if you seriously intend to salvage the situation, I would think it would be better if you can find a right time, sit him down and talk to him nicely, without you both losing your top.

No body likes to lose. In this case, the first person to lose, would be the one who loses his/her temper first.

The more you try hold him, without knowing what you are doing, the more damage you will be doing.

Just my two cents.

Hope things will work out.

 

[aaronc]

Sigh, think we should find the root of the problem, analyze the situation before suggesting what she should do.

Find PI? Follow him?? We don't even know what is wrong!!

Are we trying to worsen the whole situation?

Please help by helping her clear her head, instead of blurring of what she wants to do.

 

[powder]

the groupie doesn't work well if it requires more in-depth probing... the groupie works well with broomsticks and witch-hunts...

and i betcha tat someone's gonna tell me tat i'm not int their shoes i dun understand blah blah, and the 'we women' stuff gonna come up pretty shortly... it's one of those things...

only a handful actually look at themselves, explore and find deeper meaning...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Kid not yourselves. Infidelity is usually not the cause but the result of an already troubled marriage. From there, you should be able to judge if the marriage is worth any efforts of salvage.

 

[sgbabydoll]

After reading the creativity of the acts of revenge, I am wondering if love has turned into hatred overnight? Or are they so aggressive in the first place??

 

[cherrygirl]

Interrogating is a big turn off in most relationships and I doubt that guys will admit to infidelity unless they are prepare to dump their wives..
PI is an expensive but easier way in finding out the truth.

 

[sgbabydoll]

If the tell-tale signs are there, do you really need to pay a third party to tell you what you already know? If you can't even talk to your husband/wife about the things on your mind, it already say something about the state of the marriage.

 

[powder]

tat's exactly wat i'm saying... already know still need to double-confirm, triple-confirm, quandruple-confirm... then later will move to 'i wanna hear it from him', 'i wanna give him a chance to explain' blah blah...

end up also lost. like a dog chasing a car but not knowing why it chases a car.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Cherry, PI can take your money but produce no desired results, if for that few weeks your spouse decides to be "good". So, I don't really what "truth" you are talking about.

 

[vios]

http://www.chatcheaters.com/warning.html

what a stupid website to check for signs of infidelity... they prob have an affiliate website for PI engagments. Many of their listed signs are plain dumb... create issues from nowhere to begin with.

please lah, ladies... do you really want to bookmark that URL to follow up with the rest of your marriage life? And end up checking each and every behaviour/response by your bf/hubby? It is so damn silly..

in AC (Milan Football Club) 's initial post, it is obvious that there were delibrate lies from her hubby liao... but i find that several of her tell-tale signs are listed out of nothing at all.

 

[simpleman]

I don't believe in interrogation.

The best is to really have a heart-to-heart talk. Be soft and gentle, look at your partner in the eyes and ask him/her to look at you in the eyes - tell them it is ok for the truth to be out.. for everyone..

And mostly you will get the truth or at least the eyes will tell the truth.

If you want PI, then you are already prepared to do know what to do cos either it is a waste of money or just a confirmation that you could have had.

 

[poohbear80]

Hi AC

Juz to share with you abt me. Not to scare you or to dishearten you.

Abt 1.5 mths back, I found out that my bf was cheating on me. He was actually dating another gal. I begin to suspect that he is two timing when his actions like
1) I fell and injured myself. Called him and sms but no reply till 6 hrs later. When he reply not even a word concern.

2) saying that he is busy at work and no calls and sms for him for the whole day.

3) saying office call him back but when I called the guard. I was told he never sign in

4) he went KL for 2 days without informing me nor his parents. I found out that he went KL thru a 'source'.

One day, when he was at my home, I checked his hp. His hp has a gal's sms like - 'lau kong', muack, love u, miss you. I pretend not to know anything but later pretend to play with his hp. He got panicked when I scroll down his inbox. He then took the hp back. I then questioned him why is he so panicked. He then say the gal is just a friend..blar..blar.. (all guys will say that if they are having a affairs).

His dad called the woman and told her stop seeing my bf. (I do not know where on earth his dad got her hp nbr). My bf's dad scolded my bf for treating me this way. He reminded him the things I had done for him. He said I am the best gf he never had. I got a really gd support from his father.

My bf had a talk with the another gal to call off the relationship. I decided to give him another chance although I was told by many people not to give him a chance so easily. My bf said he in the moment of folly to have the affair.

One mth later, he bought me a diamond ring and everything is more or less ok now. The lady however still has not get over my bf totally. But things are more or less ok.

 

[vios]

thus, this shld come to mind immediately...

does he truly appreciate you more, as his gf, when he realised his mistake?
Or, did the diamond ring truly sweep deep-rooted issues under the carpet?

 

[trulylove]

Hi AC,

can you activate yr PM ?

 

[sgbabydoll]

You have to ask yourselves if the deep-seated root of the problem has been looked into.

 

[awakened]

I hired a PI previously. His repeated infidelities and unrepentence were so clear and yet, the law is such that I have to wait out the full 3 years before I can file for divorce, unless I have an accompanying PI report. Hiring a PI for me, was not to 'find out the truth' but it was instrumental for me to close the chapter and move forward. Unfortunately, he chose those few days to be 'good', as Doll suggested.

Looking back, it was a most stupid and rash decision as I got nothing out of it. I am still waiting out for the day I can file for the divorce. And what I am absolutely sore about is that the few thousands of dollars can be paid for a holiday to pamper myself lor.

 

[tehsiudai]

hi pple thanks for d advice, was so busy w work tt i had to put my feelings aside ...

during d past weeks, he had been trying to be nice & even suggested to sell our flat & stay w my parents while waiting 4 property mkt to slump, talk abt future plans but got cold sexually when i mentioned abt havin a 2nd kid ...

today he's away & my gut feelings prompted me to check the safe deposit box and found d 'evidence' .. his bills indicated places he went - ex gift, dinner & movie, even hotel stay

i was so beyond words & msg my best friend, she told me to keep my cool .. can anyone enlighten me how is it possible 4 me to do tt, i literally cried my eyes out this afternoon, i dont know how to face him & i think my son could feel how badly affected i was, he even asked if tt stupid man apologised??

 

[otelle]

Trust need to be earned. It take years to earn but few minutes to break.

You shd stay away from home for few days and think carefully what to do next. Confronting him may worsen the situation, perhaps you can consider having a good talk with your hb.

 

[tehsiudai]

i wish i had not done d things i had, uncovering his tracks, once pandora's box is opened, there's no turning back, sometimes i wish i can be more selfish & care less abt anything but once i see my son, i just feel so helpless .. told my best fren if he had gone to d prositutes instead of a co-worker, it wld have been easier 4 me ... i dont wan 2 break off d marriage 4 my son's sake but i really dont know how to stay on ...

 

[tehsiudai]

wonder wat is wrong w d men these days, jus got to know a few friends & colleagues also goin tru d same thing - infidelity's d in thing? wish we had arms around each other now & cry our hearts out ...

 

[may_be_divorced_soon]

Hi AC,

I am not sure which is worse? To grow up in an environment where the parents are always quarelling/mum always crying/feeling sad or single parent family? The child wld be able to sense what's going on though they may not understand why is papa or mama not as loving as before.

Tat's why I do not advocate holding on to the marriage simply cos of the child cos it may not be in the child's best interest afterall.

If u so decide tat it is for the best interest of your son to hold on to this marriage, then you have to be prepared to close both eyes and feign ignorance, refrain from uncovering his tracks from now on. Would u be able to do it?

 

[awakened]

Hi AC

Keep copies of those bills. They will be useful if you decide to leave him eventually.

Something puzzles me. Why would it be easier for you if he had gone to prostitutes instead of a co-worker? Should there even be a comparison in the first place? Cheating is cheating.

Never hold on to a marriage that has obviously broken down for the sake of a child, unless you and your husband can work together to overcome this episode. Otherwise, I imagine lots of fights, tears and unhappiness and your child will be the innocent victim. That would be a most miserable environment to grow up in.

 

[sgbabydoll]

AC

Cracks in the marriage must have likely formed before he started taking interest in another lady. If you want to do your part to try to save the marriage, you two must get to the underlying issue. If you feint ignorance, it can only keep the person but not his heart.

 

[freeesia]

yeah, i agree with Doll...

my colleague (K) is having an affair with another colleague (T). K lives with his wife and daughter and T is single and available. they've been going out for about a year. a couple of us girls in the office close to T knows that she's with K and we feel that the wife knows about the affair, but choose to be ignorant so as to keep K as well as for their daughter's sake.

 

[chelsea_tan]

I do agree with Lyn that cheating is cheating and there should not be any comparison.....my finance manager who is single and available too is having an affair with our boss who has a happy family.they used to travel overseas together for work too. we are close to our manager but chose to be ignorant.She's in her thirties but yet chose to be with someone who's old enough to be her father.

 

[tehsiudai]

Doll
I've been tryin 2 work things out w him 4 d past wk but seems like he's taking advantage!!

he said he was given a room to stay after his d&d cos he's organiser, told him tt i needed him hm so he cld look after my son cos i've gotta leave early 4 work on sat, guess wat he replied - no cant do, he promised colleagues already!?!

yday i cook dinner after he confirmed he can leave on d dot & latest 7.30 ++, called me at 5.30 to check wat i was preparing & hanged up, he didnt reach hm till after 8!

i was damned pissed & told him tt he cld at least give a courtesy call & say he was late, he jus ignored me ... didnt help to clear table & went out! last time even when he didnt wanna help, he wld say so but now ..

this morning i cldn't tahan anymore & wrote him an email to ask if he wanted to salvage our marriage, msg him to read & he called me hours later, he asked wat did he do tt gave me d impression he was havin an affair!?!

i up to d limits liao!!

 

[bigbellz]

hi ac

just a personal story. i was with my ex for 6 years and we were planning to get married. he told my parents we had dinner with his parents to discuss it etc... then 3 months later he would go mia for hours, call never answer, went mia over night his mom called me i was shocked. then he said he stay over night at friends house blah blah blah. then suddenly i would find gifts like soft toys which he said his friends gave him please lor. the best part was i went away to work for a while. and coz my car is 4 door and his car is 2 door he nicely parked his car in my house and used my car for 6 months. did not tell me at all. my mom thought i knew so never asked me. then one day his mom called me and said. "funny how you have been gone for 4 months now but the car is still cluttered with women's stuff." wah i tell you i cried my eyes out called him and broke it off. then his mom came to visit me and told me that he has been cheating on me.

drama. the reality i realized was i was not a gf to him i was like a mother. i will always take care of his stuff etc bills, sort his life out.. and the relationship was more of me being the security blanket for him but it did not mean he was in love with me. then i also realized that in our relationship I was not helping the situation because i did not make him feel like a man.

today we are still friends and i have moved on. but my lesson learned is that men need to know that they matter to you. and sometimes being too independent may not be the best coz it leaves him no room to show him he can take care of you.

i think you need to talk to him and even if he is cheating or not you need to tell him that his involvement in the family matters to you. please don't act on anger coz anger does not help you as a couple settle things. and it will only force him to put up his walls and you will never hear the truth. at the end of it all, the question you need to ask yourself it is this still the man you want to grow old with and is it really through thick and thin. if you can answer that question truthfully, you will know what is the right thing to do next.

be strong. wish u all the best!