How to salvage a marriage

[stanzza]

feelingpaininheart,

I been reading your story... I hope what I can can help u.

Do you still remember the person whom your hubby used to love?

Are you still the same person or have you changed?

If you could just have patience. And treat and show your hubby that the same person is still there for him, over few weeks, over few months... Then maybe, just maybe... He might return to you.
No words needs to be said.

I'm assuming that your hubby might just be deeply depressed with your changes. I had similar period also =)

 

[mrs_chew]

" if u can't hold on to something, the next step is to accept and let go... Dun End up like pple who hold on to something that isn't there... "

I totally agree with this statement. To hold on to a relationship/ marriage which has no more hopes, I rather let it go. I really don't want to live in misery and feel depress all the time. If my hubby doesn't recipocrate my love anymore, I know it's time for me to find my own happiness.

 

[stanzza]

As long as ur hubby have not mentioned it. Be patience (no matter how hard it is)and just treat him like how you used to be.

Man shut down all communication (yes, that include you and your baby. But doesn't mean he dun love your baby) and hide in his cave while thinking over solutions or tide through the unhappy emotion when they are unhappy. It drives woman crazy but yes that's how man are. If you just be patient and don't aggrevate the matter. Normally it will turn out to be just fine. I know to woman, this seems to be very serious when man act like that, but seriously, man can do that even when they are just moderatly unhappy. But it may worsen if you react badly.

Be very careful of how you react and ask for in this stage. Because you are likely to get what u suggested.

You need no solution, no words spoken. Just be the same woman you used to be. Man can open up so quickly and suddenly that it surprises you. But before then, be patience.

 

[feelingpaininheart]

Thank you so much for your advices.

I ask him what does he want from me...i did suggest moving out of the house and give him space if he wants. He said he does not want anything from me.

I had suggest counselling but he does not believe in counselling. So I think counselling will not work.

I did reflect at myself, trying to see if I'm the one that changed....But I think I'm still the same person. The thing is he changed. Even my family can tell that he changed although I try to act that there is nothing wrong with our marriage.

"Accept and let go" . . . I think this is the only way for me now. Although I still pray to God everyday asking for his heart to return to me. But meanwhile, I guess I can only do nothing. Continue my life and be patient. I hope I have the patience.

Please give me encouragement and strength to go thru this.

 

[marcia]

I feel hurt for you. Preggy and yet hubby treat you this way. I think you might just want to leave him alone for now. Once his mind is clear, he might be back to be your beloved hubby. Meanwhile please really take good care of yourself and baby. Try to be strong my dear! I will pray for you that everything's gonna be alright. *Hugs*

 

[ginasjm]

If you believe in prayers, trust God and ask Him for the strength and guidance. Sometimes what we want is not what He want for us. His plans are better.

I've been through, i prayed for my ex to come back to me. Though he did not come back to me, God gave a very wonderful husband later.

Let go and let God. in terms of human's heart, that's nothing much we can do.

"Today I keep telling myself to imagine that I don't have a husband. I just have to move on and live my own life, to take care of myself and my baby because he simply do not care about me anymore. I tell myself he is just a roommate. Don't wish for love because I just won't get it.
Yes, I don't feel so much pain. But when I see he after work, somewhere in my heart, I still long for him."

If he can't give you happiness, let him go. Do yourself a favour and move on. What's the point of being labelled as 'married' and feels like living with a stranger who lies and live his life as if he is single.

"He said no one bring their gf/wife and hence he will NEVER bring me to their outing."

Among my friends, I am the only one married and have baby, but that doesn't mean hubby and bub have to stay at home cos my outing dun have babies around! It's ridiculous, it's up to if he wants or don't want. Full of excuses.

 

[xiaoyangzi]

Sisters..I just have a short advice which I dun listen. Until one day..I got chased out by my ten yrs husband.. I m not happy with you, u r mad woman, u r old, u control my ten yrs..I have never been happy. U get out of my life. I ahve lost the love in you...i ahve been holding back becos of the 2 kids.
I torn the photos and left him. When I was jobless, having medication on depression with 2 kids. I went bk my mum place..sleep on the floor..sharing room. While that man had a big house by himself.
Needless to say..Yap..3rd party and he just refused to admit.
When a person is forced to a corner...u just have to fold up ur sleeve and climb through allt he obstacles. No one will pity us...but people will saluate us if we survive!
Now...he sms me...U r the one I love most. I hope you are well. The sms came too late..my heart has died.
Perhaps that woman has left him..or perhaps he sees that I am already a successful woman with good pay and some guys around me. (i m not pretty or sexy but as I was down..some friends went thru with me and some started from pitiness to love-my headache)
I no longer trust men...Yes..i let him come bk but it will never be the same...as I know this man let me down.
Sisters...stand up strong and show those men our girls power!

 

[sundownprince]

Feeling pain so sad that your husband decides to self discover at this age. Were you very controlling of him previously? Why not make new mummy to be friends or take up a new hobby?

 

[miloice]

Not again... this sisters and men thingy. Yawns.

Respect is not gained by how successful one is career-wise. Seems u haven't even realized the issues with your previous marriage. There are 2 sides to it. Both had responsibilities in it.

 

[healing]

Do take care of yourself esp. tis period. Try to be cheerful.. give urself and him sometime, dun tok abt it everytime u see him, he'll get sick and tired over it...

after 1-2mths, find the right time, sit down and tell him u need his support... tell him how much u love him, tell him how badly u wan it to work out however it takes 2 hands to clap so u need him to want it to work out badly as well. ask him whether he still love u as much.. .try to start afresh... if his responses are still negative.... U gotta be strong and walk away....

find the right time.. but not now when u r depressed and he's vexed over all the issues...

perhaps... u guys shld sit down n consider ur r/s b4 u wanna prepare for the BB.. it's a fact that i've to point out. it's gotta be tough gg through pregnancy and such a bad patch altogether...

 

[denise80]

Hi TS,

I suggest two things:
1. Don't be too suspicious since he already told you there's nothing on between him and his colleagues. You need to have more confidence in yourself. A confident person will be more attractive. It's a teacher thing to go ktv la..nothing much. Don't imagine anything like nightclub. Given that teaching is his new job, he probably finds that he has more to talk about with his colleagues too. This is where you could perhaps try to improve your communication with him?

2. To me, he's gd enough to give you an answer. He told you clearly that he didn't like something you said to him earlier and he probably still feels hurt. Since he said he can't rem, don't pressure him. Just take it at face value and work at the relationship?

Wish you all the best!

 

[vios]

ya milo, i also don't know what the heck this xiao yang zi was trying to say or dish out...
her heart is understandably dead, but still.......

he's back in her life right?

what kind of girl power is that? more like torturing herself.

 

[feelingpaininheart]

How to work on improving communication or the relationship ?

Everyday after he came back from work, he would spend his time on his computer. It would be rare if we can have a dialogue of more than 5 sentence in a day. He just don't talk to me. I can start a conversation, but what topic can i pick?

I can't ask him abt anything relating to his work or what he has been doing, what time he comes home, etc as he will be very sensitive to these questions......

I don't talk abt the future with baby as the baby is still very small and doctor said only after first trimester then the chance of miscarriage will be reduced greatly. So it is too early to talk. Although i'm feeling so sick everyday, it is also pointless to tell him as he simply do not care much. When I'm in terrible pain, I ask him to give me a plastic bag for me to vomit. He will do what I say and go back to his computer. After I vomit, I ask him to give me a glass of water and medicine, again he will just do it and return to his computer. There is never once where he will stay by my side when I'm in pain.

There is now no physical contact between us, not even holding hands. I'm wondering if I should try to maintain holding hands or hugs?

Our wedding annivesary is coming up in next month. Should I try to plan for something or wait for him to suggest something?

Be patience, I'm holding these words in my heart........

 

[flyingstar]

up till now he still dunno that you are preggy?

hmm...

somehow i think u shld tell him about your pregnancy. he should know since he's the father.

since your wedding anniversary is coming, ask him if he has any plans then. at least you can judge for yourself by his response.

 

[miloice]

All these while, how did you guys communicate?

 

[lovingyou]

Wedding anniversary is just another normal date on the calendar if the person doesn't care... Perhaps I am harsh but his behaviour is realli horrible; I guess it went beyond what a normal friend / gentleman might not do, not to mention that he is gonna to be a father. Agree with flyingstar that you should let him know about ur pregnancy and see where should the r/s progress? There should be a limit for every endurance, tolerance and thinking-through phrases, if he continues this way, you might have to make other concrete plans instead of waiting endlessly for this man. At times, tolerance could only allow the other party to indulge more in his own world.

 

[kittenpie]

feelingpain,

your husband is behaving like an axxhole.

there is no reason or even excuse for a husand to be neglecting a pregnant wife in this way.

im afraid to say that your attempts to attract his attention sound to me lame and pathetic.

i find it insulting to be ignored in this manner. this is as bad as being insulted right in the face with vulgarities.

you need all your dignity right now all you will fall apart in no time.

my preferred treatment if i were you now: IGNORE HIM.

he wants to play mind games? bring it on

 

[simpleman]

feelingpain,

My gut feel is that your hb could be having an affair. There is no such thing as:

"But based on the 10 plus that I known him, he is not the kind that will be unfaithful to me. He has a very upright character,"


A person who has an affair has no tell-tale traits. No such thing as he is an upright character - therefore impossible to have affair.

But I could be wrong.

Even so, you chances of having him back his old self is very slim... given his attitude towards you. He can't be bothered. He is just waiting for you to explode..

 

[miloice]

What are you fearing? The marriage is destined to dome with the current trend it is heading. So, face it. Accept this really probable outcome. And if you think this marriage is worth savaging, then do it. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel about the whole thing and that its not OK to leave things the way this is. You don't want a lifetime living this way. Either u guys split up or have some commitment to try and work things out.

 

[mrs_chew]

SM
Ya, I have the same gut feeling that TS's hubby might be having an affair.

Ts's case reminded me of my male ex-colleague.
We didn't know that he was infatuated with a new girl in our office. All along, we thought that he behaved like a big brother to her. Until one day, his wife called me and kept asking about her hubby and this girl. She complained about his drastic change ( same like TS's hubby ) and suspected that they were having an affair. Actually, me and another two colleagues also suspected as we could see that he treated her particularly nice during our lunch or after office hrs gatherings. Usually, to us, he was like a glass of plain water till he became very close to this girl, he became rather secretive.
Eventually, I indirectly questioned him and he finally exposed that he had the intention to start a relationship with her because he prefers the girl's demure personalities to his wife's and he would not mind to divorce if his wife were to find out.

Luckily, before he 'materalised' the affair, he realised his folly and back-off from contemplation.

 

[simpleman]

ACtually I take back my words.

When someone is having affair.. there are tell-tale signs.

Firstly, they would not be free for you. Many excuses.. Prefer to do own stuff.. or with friends

Secondly, they work late.. or pretend to work late.. Spend as little time with you as possible.

 

[mrs_chew]

Sm
Mmmm..Most have tell-tale signs but some spouses are so good with their 'hidings', the other party will not even know about it.

Some wives only come to realise their husbands' affairs on the very day of their husbands' funerals.

 

[simpleman]

There are signs.. mostly we tend to "trust" and ignore the signals. Sometimes people prefer not to know if it is not presented directly to their face.

 

[miloice]

I'm skeptical that there isn't any signs. Its just whether we choose to look into them. Often, one may choose to be blind to it.

 

[kittenpie]

Sm,

what signs did you ex-wife show ...?

 

[lovingyou]

TS: Hope you are feeling better with the new bodily changes today... How to work on improving communication on the relationship ? = 2 have to be willing to communicate before any improvements can be made and/or to see some results...

Not paying much attention, not being enthu in conversations or being cold towards you as the wife or hubby are one of the first few tell-tale signs I suppose? Personally, I will say that there is no certain or specific reasons of why would one stray but more would be the excuses to justifying the actions of why did the affair start in the first place. Questions running through our minds often go unanswered and no admission will take place till concrete evidence are laid on the table.

TS: There is no guarantee in life that an upright person won't change, neither am I saying that ur HB has definately change. But don't u find it weird for his actions and his coldness? Is it time for you to know what had happen or are u waiting for the day whereby he "turn back"?

A few questions for you to ponder over:- Not to say that married guys and women can't have friends of the opposite sex but the bottomline is are we clear-cut about it, do we realli know the limits and also if we have nothing to hide, it usually poses no problem to introduce our spouses to our friends isn't it?

You have your own fear of irritating him further but shouldn't husband and wife be able to carry out any discussion in regardless what the outcome might be? There are bound to be arguments in some discussions but won't it be more tiring to conceal and hide your innermost feelings?

You mention that you hope to improve communications but how to when you do not understand the man you married in the first place now? We don't hope to improve communications with a stranger at all times right?

 

[mrs_chew]

Well sm,I also dunno leh. A taxi-driver told me about his neighbour's story and indeed I was very surprised how good his neighbour's 'skill'. The affair was only discovered during his wake. A woman just turned up with his children (looked like the father ) to give him the last respect. Everyone was shocked, not only his wife, his families and his good friends too who were at the wake. The taxi-driver claimed that the man was a 101% goody husband and father and till now, the wife couldn't tell how he got the time to start another family.

I believe that as the wife was doted and loved by her hubby, she literally just trusted him fully and never expect her hubby to be unfaithful.

 

[feelingpaininheart]

He knew abt my pregnancy. I told him on the very first day that I knew I'm pregnant.

Yes, to me there are signs...... but when I tried to talk to him, he said his heart is not with someone else and there is no third party...... so what can I do? I can either choose to believe him or get a PI to spy on him if I decide not to trust him and is prepared for the worst.

I choose to be patient and trust him for now......but I don't know if I can take the pain in the meantime

 

[newlife2010]

feelingpaiheart, it not easy to get a PI to check. U will require a lot of courage. I know, cos i have hired one before and he got me very good result. But u must know what u want to do with it, if not all your effort and money will be wasted if there is no objective

 

[lovingyou]

Just hope your patience will yield good outcome eventually...

 

[flyingstar]

omg, he knows about your pregnancy yet he treats you like that?!!?!?

frankly speaking how long do you still want to wait for him to turn back? you need to take good care of yourself, place yourself and your unborn child as priority...not mope around him and hope that he will realise his folly and talk to you.

have you asked him whether he is excited to be a father? how does he see this child? it's supposed to be a fruit of the love between you both. does he accompany you to the doctor's? does he want to witness the birth of this child?

you have to get things in perspective...if he is not interested even in the baby...i think you have your answer...

please take good care.

 

[serene_yam]

love these days are so damn cheap-cheap. Dear TS, do not cheapen yourself by binding him to your future bb...if he lacks self-restraint now, how much more do you think he can restraint himself, when he faces more stress as a new young father in a year to come? Most likely he'll succumb to his inner wants again...cheap-cheap love, who can't get it these days? What do you really want to do and be with him? Is there any saving grace???

 

[kittenpie]

TS,

throw him out together with his belongings, dust your hands, grab a broom and sweep your doorway clean.

some people are still so yaya papaya even after they have done wrong. time to wipe the smug looks from their faces

about to be a father soon, still act in this way. is this fit to be a father? such people cheapen fatherhood

 

[dreamybebe]

TS, seriously throw him out. I have been through what you been through just that his behaviour continue after I have given birth. And the best thing is he refuses to shift out!!! I am looking for a lawyer now to file for divorce. Just contemplating if I should get a PI. He has not been coming home and going out only after midnight EVERYDAY! Then when I told him I wanted a divorce he said he will think about it and refuses to shift out of the house when he is only returning in the morning to shower. And still expect me to go over to his parents house on weekends and pretend we are still a happy family.

 

[leibit]

Such people are just plain cowards, no balls. But happy thing is: the history will repeat itself. It's just more stupid gals who're gonna get conned by such men over and over again. Well, free sex, free money, which man doesn't want? For those wives who are still in such marriages, think about yourself. You're still young, even if old, you should still have your own real life, instead of living in a stupid fantasy of pretense. Kudos to those who can, but seriously, why waste your heart and soul over such? Love yourself, get your life and life's definitely much better without such A-hole.

 

[star_dust]

you can pull through..

my husband started his affair when i was pregnant with our 2nd child. and he left me alone most of the time while he preferred to spend time with his girlfriend, taking care of her and her daughers, AND her mother. my pregnancy was unstable, but he didnt care. even on the day i gave birth, he was in JB with her and didnt answer his phone when i called him again and again when he wasnt back when he promised to to take me to my gynae. i drove myself there through contractions and all. he managed to get home to send me to hospital though, but i was already hurting so bad, physically and in my heart, i wished so much to just die.

but i survived, and i vowed to be a stronger person. and you can do it too. face him and talk things through. if he cannot be the husband that you deserve, then he doesnt deserve you. dont belittle yourself. Love can be a strong emotion, but it can mean as little as nothing when survival is more important.

btw, im not too good at talking, so when i bottle up until the point of bursting, i blast my hubby with a long long sms to say what i really want to say but cant say. and before i do that, i have to swallow half a bottle of wine, otherwise i just cant get the words out. you cant drink now, but you can sms or email.. it doesnt have to be words.

 

[feelingpaininheart]

Hi all

Things are not back to before where he will tell me everything. Now, there is still little commnication. But at least there is improvements. My patience seems to be working a little......

Now when I initiate a hug, at least he will really hug me. Not like few months ago where I feel like I'm hugging a stone. But still, he doesn't initiate a hug or a kiss.

When we take photos, at least now he smiles and hug me when taking the photo. When we go out, at times he will initiate to hold my hands

Although his lessons do end earlier on certain days, he still comes home almost same time everyday before dinner. No questions asked by me. But everyday he will eat dinner with me.

Pls wish me good luck and more patience.

 

[stanzza]

That's great to hear.

All the Best!

 

[miamivice]

Do give BJ more often. Don't until want to pang sai then go dig a hole.

Oh yes.

 

[lovingyou]

feelingpaininheart: Hope to hear further good news in time to come by.

 

[galileo_girl]

Feel,

As you mentioned in earlier posts that he becomes a changed person after the career switch, Maybe he felt rejuvenated after mingling with the younger girls, and after being tied down in a marriage for years, he may feel bored and want some excitement to spice up his life.

So your preliminary surmise could also prove you right that there may be a third party as you mentioned that he often went gathering with his colleagues which also could be just plain excuses to meet his fling girl.

"But based on the 10 plus that I known him, he is not the kind that will be unfaithful to me. He has a very upright character,"

You never know when a man will stray. There is no guarantee that a honest upright man will not stray. Maybe he does not have the intention to stray,but who knows? Imagine this scenario, if an attractive girl kept getting into his good books, try all means to attract his attention and proximity with him, if your husband has affinity and congeniality with that girl, maybe initially its just a platonic relationship, but after some time feelings nurtured and he too smitten by her and thats when the affair started.

He may not have the intention to stray at first but if a young pretty and attractive girl kept giving him opportunity to stray, will he resist the temptation?

Now you are in gestation, and he seem aloof and uncaring, isnt it obvious that something is amiss? I thought most men is especially sweet loving and subservient to their pregnant wife?

If he is really having affair, just hope that he will come to his senses.