How to salvage a marriage

[feelingpaininheart]

This is my story...... Pls help me

He had a mid career switch to be a teacher and began to hang out with young teachers, many of them are female in early to mid twenties...... young, pretty and full of energy. I felt insecured and expressed my unhappiness when he goes out gathering (eg KTV) with them. We quarrelled.

This made his love for me died. He begin to lie to me and continue to go gathering with them. Now, we seems to be living in 2 separate world. At home, he hardly talks to me anymore and spend most of his time on his computer saying busy with work. He don't hug or kiss me anymore.

I realised my mistake. He must have felt suffocated or too much questioning/controlling by me and that made him run away from me. I tried to talk to him but he says he rather not tell me anything than to risk having me picking up a fuss again.

Hoping to salvage this love, I told myself that I will give him more love and care.

However, before I could do anything, I am pregnant and become very sick. This simply stop me from doing anything except resting at home. Doctor says that I should recover after my first trimester.

Now I can only try to make myself feel less sick and don't have the energy to make myself look good or show him any care and concern.

But meanwhile, I know he is getting closer to a female teacher. I think I shouldn't wait till my first trimester ends to salvage this marriage. But what can I do now? What should I do now?

 

[karvna]

Hi there,

If your husband truly loves you, his love won't "die" simply because you quarrel with him over such a trivial incident. In fact, he should feel flattered that you choose to kick up a fuss over it.

But since you are pregnant now, surely your husband should spend more time doting on you?

 

[ginasjm]

Hi feel

I do not think you are at fault for telling him how you feel. I would do the same if i were you, but it's his response that tells you how much you meant to him. He could either take your feelings into account and do things to make you comfy like bring you out with his colleagues and things or simply ignore your feelings. Pretty straight-foward.

It was his own decision to stop loving you. If his heart is with you, nothing could take it away, so his love can't just die like that. Why must he ignore your unhappiness and lie to you on going out with his fellow colleagues? He could have brought you along to make you happy. He needs to earn your trust.

Personally, i feel alot for you, cos last year at this time i was pregnant too. I know how important it is to have your hubby's support. It takes alot for a woman to go through the whole pregnancy and labour stage but it's up to their man to appreciate them. It doesn't mean you give him a baby and he will come back to you or love you again. Things just don't work this way.

Why are you trying to look good and show him care and concern when he should be the one showering you attention and concern since you are preggy now? Know your stand.

To salvage a marriage takes 2 hearts, you can't do it on your own. Does he still wants this marriage and wish to care for the baby?

What makes you questioned him? Was his actions making himself questionable? If he felt suffocated, how about you? you are confused, thus you asked.
When he stopped communication with you, it could mean that he does not want you to know what's happening in his world. I cant imagine my hubby not telling me whats going on and hows things going. Its no different from living with a bloody stranger.

Keen on saving yourself and see this man from a fresh angle. Is he the one who is going to comfort you when you are feeling down, feel your pain, is he the one who's massaging you when you are bloody sore everywhere later in pregnancy? Pardon my bluntness and im speaking from my pov. Most importantly,Love yourself, life's short.

 

[feelingpaininheart]

Thank you both for your opinions.

The thing is he used to very caring and loving towards me. But every since he went NIE as trainee teacher and become friends with his fellow trainee teachers, he changed.

He comes home late. He stops communication with me. He becomes uncontactable even after school hours, he lied, etc. Yes, I feel like living with a stranger.

That time when we quarrel, I ask him if he still loves me. He said our characters are different so cannot get along. My heart bleed. We had been dating for more than 10 years before getting married and now he says our characters cannot get along

I ask him to recall the happy times when we were dating. He said sadly he can't recall any. He said he is confused and needs time to think. After that, he never said a thing and continue his own life.

I had went past the stage of asking why he changed. I had wondered whether there is a third party. But based on the 10 plus that I known him, he is not the kind that will be unfaithful to me. He has a very upright character, not the kind that will take a second look at pretty or sexy girl.

Someone told me it is just that marriage become bland after some time and we should have a baby to spice things up. Yes, I'm a boring person and I did not do well to make our marriage interesting.

I did thought of picking up courage and ask him if he still wants the marriage. I was prepared for the worst. But with the unexpected baby, and deep down my heart, I know he is the only one I ever love, I still want to save my marriage.

Yes, it takes two hearts to salvage a marriage. But now I have accepted the fact he doesn't shower me with care although I'm pregnant now. I cannot expect that the love is still there. So I can only try on my part hoping to make him love me again.

Please give me constructive ideas how I can make him love me again.

 

[poitto]

Are u having the baby because u wanna "keep" him?
If yes, i dun think u r making a correct decision... Of course, not asking u to abort but think how long more r u gonna go thru all these before u really give up hoping tat he will change back to before?

U seems to be placing ur bets on tat baby or preggy... wat if he leaves u?

on the other hand, u can try counselling...

U can also organise some kind of party and invite his friends home...

How did u in the first place knew he went out with those young ladies?

 

[jefferson_edison]

Don't worry feelingpaininheart, you should just rest more and get healthy.

for your husband, the lady is his colleage, a friend of him, a nobdoy to him.

Everyone need friend in the work place. same thing as your husband. he is working and need friend to relax, the chill the day of hard work.

When he go home, he have to deal with your suspicious, your "untrust" in him. it is really too much. of course he won't be happy. his own wife not trusting him enough.

You are his wife, a lady with his baby. you should take good care of yourself and get well.
Your husband have his own thinking. you should give him more feedom instead of controlling him.

Nobody will like to be controlled.
At least now he know you are not happy when he is with his lady friends.

There is nothing wrong with your marriage now except your unhappiness due to him going out with the lady teacher.

 

[red_garnet]

does he know that you're pregnant?

 

[sundownprince]

Are you sure there is nothing wrong with the marriage Jefferson? They are no longer communicating! Changes in environment can open new doors. Maybe you can do something special for him? Something he likes which will remind him of your love for him? Open communication needs trust. But trust is a double edged sword. Do you have much more spare time than your husband? Is your husband feeling stifled under your wacthful eyes?

 

[xylon]

蔡礼旭è€å¸ˆè®²ï¼šå¦‚何挽回丈夫的心

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kpumxnu5w3A

 

[teddydomdom]

hi feelingpaininheart,

sorry that you have to go through this issue when you are getting pregnant, have a heart-to-heart with your hubby, to really understand what really went wrong, everything happen for a reason, try to find that reason before you decide wat to do next...

dear scopeguy, do you have to keep insulting, calling her a stupid woman?

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi feelingpain,

You said the teacher traineers are young, pretty and full of energy.

So you just have to be your usual self and be a pretty and sunshine girl.

Of course in terms of youth and age, we can't compare to these girls but we have other qualities like wisdom and maturity. We are the wives and the mothers of our hubby's children.

Other than being pretty and sunshine, we also be an endearing wife and be a caring mum to his children.

Happy family life verses sweet young things.
No match. Most men still craves for a stable base long term wise.

Just ask those single, aging playboys. At some point in their life, when they look back at their life, they may wish for a happy family of their own. To be someone's hubby, daddy, grandfather and so on.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi feelingpain,

I feel men are the weaker sex, it takes a lot of self control to resist the constant temptation surrounding him.

We can only hope the sweet, young girls are decent enough to leave our hubbies alone. It's really difficult to compete against their youthness as we get older and older.

Just the other day, my hubby and daughters were having fun looking at our old family photos. Gosh! How the years have passed when I looked at my twenties photos. I have forgotten I looked even prettier when I was in my twenties than now.

Geez.. How to compete? Any ideas?

 

[miloice]

The fix to all problems... find the ONE. What a joke. Almost everyone thought they found the one when they marry. Stupid advise from stupid liar.

 

[infojunkie]

"Geez.. How to compete? Any ideas?"

你物化男人的åŒæ—¶ï¼Œä¹Ÿè¢«ç”·äººç‰©åŒ–了。

一个甘于被物化的女人的存在价值到底是什么？

摇头å¹æ¯ã€‚。。

 

[dinnielooi]

Geez.. How to compete? Any ideas?

Plastics surgery. This is what women are doing

 

[hweebs]

Hi feelingpain,

Don't know if what I suggest will work or is helpful. Don't know if your husband will even end it with you because of that, you think about it and evaluate it on your own.

I suggest you getting to know the female teacher, let her know you are pregnant, and getting her to help you ease the conflicts between you and your husband.

Think through and evaluate yourself. All the best!

 

[sundownprince]

scope... load of crap. go do something worth while with your life. go to church go else where in the world go and chase your foreign woman are better dreams. Singaporean girls will do much better without you dishing out rubbish. so sick of you and the ONE. so sick of you calling pple stupid. i dare you to put your face to your words.

 

[hweebs]

scope,

nope, hweebs was not in nie before. You realize i suggested a possible behaviour and action, but i did not interpret it nor describe why?

 

[sundownprince]

Hweebs scope has failed badly at answering ur qns and I will attempt. When helping someone it's best if they can come to a decision by themselves. Many times they know what they should do but going through the thought process helps to weigh the pros and cons. sometimes advice offered may not be applicable as different circustances need different solutions. Thus while you can offer solutions it's best that they can ultimately decide for themselves so that they know ts their decision along with the consequences. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[sundownprince]

scope TS has more courage than you. why i say this? bashing pple calling them stupid saying their decisions are stupid is all the acts of a coward when you dun dare put a face to it. you are just a coward hiding behind some lame name. don't even dare to fall in love because you are scared you'll get hurt again. call local girls stupid because you are stupid and you dont know otherwise? how does that feel?

 

[hweebs]

hi jz,

thanks for your answer...it's roughly there lah, but I must truthfully say that I did not strongly suggest anything because there will be a lot of repercussions, and actually i do not really know what feelingpain wants in her life. You've heard of the phrase "Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"? If she does as I say, she will find out a lot about herself, her husband, and the world (represented by the female colleague), and it can be good or disastrous. Changes and upheavels may be better than her current state, but this is for feelingpain to decide.

scope,
I do not try and typify people in the absense of sufficient information. I will keep my mind open: she may be paranoid, she may be not. But she is scared now, and she needs to do something about it, so I suggest, and it's up to her. She chooses her action, but cannot choose the outcome.

 

[sundownprince]

scope wrong i'm just learning from you making assumptions dishing out crap advice and calling pple stupid. =) have a good day!

 

[dinnielooi]

Scope, u this kind of man, I don't even need to meet and it's a big turn off for me. I rather be a nun then spend one minute with u..... Ha ha ha

 

[dinnielooi]

like i say, you are a rare species, sooner or later u will end up like the Dinosaur.

 

[babystorm]

Scope, you won't even get a chance because if I see you, the first thing that I want to do is kick your freaking arse. LOL.

Oh and beware of karma.. It might come and bite you in your arse. Make sure you don't scream in agony like a little pussycat by then. Meow.

 

[dinnielooi]

miyako san, he is born to irritate woman. must have been ditch by local woman big time or a loser who no local woman take a glance at him that why he hate us.

sour grape = scope guy.

ha ha ha. look at the similar first letter of both words.

 

[newlife2010]

scope guy, yes u are right. look for local female dog, maybe they will want u.

 

[newlife2010]

very surprise, u lost of words?????????

 

[leibit]

Scope, you speak sense, but irritating in your words. I've been reading your posts, and do see your views most of the time. However, if you've worded it nicer, you would be of better help to this forum...else why are you hanging around here? When we voice out, despite as strangers here, I believe most of us do have this heart to want to help. Hence, for your advice to really be taken into account, please put things in a better way. It'll be beneficial for the people here.

Have a good day!

 

[small_wish]

feeling
I have also asked this question before, how to salvage marriage. I feel the same heartpains too as hb is keeping silent. Till date, 5 months have passed since I discovered hb's affair, I still have no answer whether to continue with marriage. It is really a bad feeling of being left "hanging in the air".

I guess people change over time and many times it is circumstances that forced a change in people, or a change in heart. "The One" as what Scope always claims that he is looking for may not always be “The One†forever. Some really truly married out of love (altho' there may be some who really didn't married out of love). So when they married, the other half is their "The One" AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE, but as time goes by, circumstances force them to change, so that they are no longer your "The One". Once there is a change of heart, it is really hard to salvage. Some may succeed if the other half truly wants to salvage and willing to tango with you to be your "The One" again. However, many times once the hb's heart is no longer with you, it is hard to salvage. In a way, you may be able to keep him physically but his heart is not with you anymore. If possible, better to give up. My case is bad as I want to give up but daughter wants daddy and mummy, thus I am still hanging in the air and this is a really miserable feeling.

I am in same bad shape so not in good position to advise. But Milo did offer some enlightenment to me. Ask yourself, are you still his priority? Is he willing to tango with you to salvage the marriage? If your answer to these 2 questions are no, you will really have a tough road ahead in trying to salvage the marriage.

Ultimate decision is whether there is any reason for you to want to salvage and whether this reason is strong enough motivation for you to try salvaging marriage.

 

[small_wish]

Scope
I think some threads in this forum is a revenue for truly needy people to seek advice on issues relating to "Matters of the Heart" or to release our pressures and not to present ourselves for you to poke fun or calling all TS local women "stupid". You may be fortunate and not have experienced the type of pains many of us have experienced and thus do not know the pains we have gone thru. Appreciate either offering your sincere opinion if you have any for the TS or just start separate thread for your fun seeking purpose.

Please respect yourself, your mother (unless she is not a local woman) before branding all local women "stupid". And how sure are you that really find your "The One" in ang moh woman and your "The One" will never never have a change in heart? How sure are you that your ang moh "The One" woman will not be stupid in wanting to marry you? Life is never sure except death and tax.

Please don't add salt to the wound of TS.

 

[dracano]

Hope,

Very well said.

 

[small_wish]

Scope
I have my pains and I share my experience with TS. I am not here to argue with you.

If you are so convinced all local women are stupid, why are you always in the forum talking to us stupid women? Aren't you stupid to be bothered by our stupid women's problems?

Again, please respect all women, whether local or ang moh, and your mother.

Forummers are here to listen, offer advice and/or share some real personal experience and not to poke fun. Appreciate if you can be sensitive to TS and especially women.

 

[dracano]

Hope,

Most likely in scope's real life, no woman (or even men) bothered to listen to him so this is the only place where he can sprout his nonsense.

The best way to deal with people like him is to ignore him or get the moderators to deal with him.

 

[gluttonish]

Scope, why not you open a separate thread for yourself? you can create clones there, call your own clones stupid, interesting, amusing etc, and they will sing to your tunes, agree with you that they are indeed what you've described them to be, and LOL~ with you.

As you can see, you are not very appreciated here.

 

[miloice]

He switches between stands, lies and twist his words just to get the reaction.

His only intention is to stir up reaction for his fetish needs. So just ignore him loh. No need to really react strongly to him at all.

 

[babystorm]

Ya hope, no need to reason with him at all.

To put it simply, his mom is stupid (he said that, we didn't) enough to get f***** by 'god knows who' and give birth to him, this sad case. That's why he always says all local women are stupid. There you have it.

So aww, let's just be kind to him.

 

[simpleman]

I guess if you can't stand him and don't like him, simply ignore him.

Attacking his mother is a silly thing to do and is uncalled for.

I don't understand if you guys/gals don't like him - just ignore him. Why still want to engage him in words?

 

[thommy]

yalah, just ignore him and treat as if he's non-existent here.

 

[small_wish]

Hi
I don't think anyone should call anyone stupid. I just ask him to respect all women, local and foreign, as well as his mother, since his mother is also a woman.

It's really sad to hear people start saying hurting words to others. Especially people who didn't do harm to the person who said so.

 

[small_wish]

I think we shall refrain from name calling or personal attacks. It defeats the purpose of the TS starting thread asking for a listening ear or advice.

My apologies to all if I angered any one of you. Scope especially, hopefully you understand the wish of women to be respected.

 

[xylon]

You can't control what other people say, but you can control how you respond to them.

https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits-habit1.php


The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Habit 1 : Be Proactive

Your life doesn't just "happen." Whether you know it or not, it is carefully designed by you. The choices, after all, are yours. You choose happiness. You choose sadness. You choose decisiveness. You choose ambivalence. You choose success. You choose failure. You choose courage. You choose fear. Just remember that every moment, every situation, provides a new choice. And in doing so, it gives you a perfect opportunity to do things differently to produce more positive results.

Habit 1: Be Proactive is about taking responsibility for your life. You can't keep blaming everything on your parents or grandparents. Proactive people recognize that they are "response-able." They don't blame genetics, circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. They know they choose their behavior. Reactive people, on the other hand, are often affected by their physical environment. They find external sources to blame for their behavior. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn't, it affects their attitude and performance, and they blame the weather. All of these external forces act as stimuli that we respond to. Between the stimulus and the response is your greatest power--you have the freedom to choose your response. One of the most important things you choose is what you say. Your language is a good indicator of how you see yourself. A proactive person uses proactive language--I can, I will, I prefer, etc. A reactive person uses reactive language--I can't, I have to, if only. Reactive people believe they are not responsible for what they say and do--they have no choice.

Instead of reacting to or worrying about conditions over which they have little or no control, proactive people focus their time and energy on things they can control. The problems, challenges, and opportunities we face fall into two areas--Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence.

Proactive people focus their efforts on their Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about: health, children, problems at work. Reactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern--things over which they have little or no control: the national debt, terrorism, the weather. Gaining an awareness of the areas in which we expend our energies in is a giant step in becoming proactive.

 

[dracano]

Anyway, I believe our Mr Scope_Guy has been banned from the forum already (can see his posts all got deleted), after the moderators have been alerted of his discriminatory and non-productive posts. Glad that something has been done after all.

I won't be surprised he/she (yes, it's possible) will resurface using another new account though...

 

[vios]

to ignore or to speak up - all i can say is there're certain limitations for different people, notwithstanding an avatar or a real person... i think it's fine to voice out when one is facing a nasty discrimination.

same goes for threadstarter. as your previous session of interrogation has failed miserably, thereby causing your hb to disregard your presence... so, you should probably change your tone of communication but still, pls speak up for yourself when you should - esp. at a stage whereby he has a duty to be there for his pregnant wife when he could.

just came across to me that it is actually the human in him to be relishing in this new role of catching new attention; it's fine to have had such renewed experiences, but he should place certain priorities above that.

hence, the way of showering him with more love and attention is not a good way to salvage the marriage - if he doesn't buy it right now. it's ironic but true.

 

[feelingpaininheart]

Thanks everyone for your comments, encouragement, etc

I had another talk with him. All I want is the care and love from him which he used to give me, eg hugs and kisses. Even a word on concern or a pat on my shoulder after I vomit would comfort me. However, he said because of something I said in the past, he don't feel like hugging or kissing me anymore. What is that'something' I said in the past, he said he can't remember. What else can I say?

I did tried to suggest bringing me to the outing. Since they are his friends then I'll like to get to know them too. He said no one bring their gf/wife and hence he will NEVER bring me to their outing.

He said that his heart is not with someone else. But he don't want to think if his heart is with me or not cos the more he think the more he think about unhappy things. So he rather not think.

I think the main point is his heart is not with me anymore. The reason? I don't know. What can I do to salvage this marriage? I'm really lost

Today I keep telling myself to imagine that I don't have a husband. I just have to move on and live my own life, to take care of myself and my baby because he simply do not care about me anymore. I tell myself he is just a roommate. Don't wish for love because I just won't get it.

Yes, I don't feel so much pain. But when I see he after work, somewhere in my heart, I still long for him.

 

[hweebs]

Hi feelingpain,

You want love and care from him. What does he want from you? Does he just want to bail out? Or does he need time and space to cool down? If he just want to call it quits and does not want to try and salvage the marriage, you can't. It takes 2 to work.

 

[small_wish]

feeling
I am in the same boat as you.

PM me for sharing or giving you a listening ear.

Be strong for your kid.

 

[miloice]

it takes 2 to tango.

While u try to hold on and savage the marriage. The only thing that can work is for him to once again rekindle those emotions. So, be realistic in your expectations. You can try all you want but be prepared with what is realistically likely going to happen.

Seems he has already shut and locked his heart from you. Continue to talk to him. But don't apply pressure on the strained relationship. Take things in a lighter mood. It can be a commitment for both to give it a last try but not giving it so much stress. Instead, give the space to work it out naturally together in a more relax manner. Try to reconnect. Go on dates, a holiday, whatsoever.

If needed, suggest moving out and going back to dating. All these will only work if he is willing to give it a try.

 

[sunnyflower8188]

Hi feelingpain,

Sorry to hear about your plight...

Try suggesting if he wants to go counselling. Try not to beg for his love or attention, cos when u beg, u feed his pride... That's what I think. Eg. have u been in a situation when u think that someone is at wrong n the more that person begs for ur forgiveness, the more u turn him away? When u do this to some1, u have to wake up from your pride yourself. N if one day this person u love leaves u, u may suddenly wake up from ur pride.

Once u convey your msg to him that u r not feeling good, that is good enough. If things become unbearable, u may want to move back ur mom's place to concentrate on taking care of ur baby. Let him feel ur absence and give him some space to self reflect. See what is best for ur bb.

 

[powder]

feelingpaininheart,

it's a stupor that will take time to break. same with a person who picks up gambling, or drugs, or an addiction.

the period i would expect to turn him around is 2-3yrs, and the things u would need to do is - Nothing. it is a path of self-discovery... if i were to go back to NIE now and be with pretty young things, i think i would have been in quite a similar position as well... it's like going back to school... not much money worries for now, just study and stuff... remaining time between lessons - u can tok cok and catch up and mingle. With such freedom, it is hard Not to get involved emotionally like little dating teens.

to be honest, i would assess your chance of getting your 'Previous' husband back... as very low. it has nothing to do with your past, nor your 10yrs, nor how much u know him... becos he is evolving as a man. the problem with early marirages or longterm relationship from young-going-into-marriage... is the lack of exposure to other suitors. How many pple u know have switched to an iPhone? pple Evolve...

being 30yr-old doesn't make u exposed if u have been with the same freakin girl since 20yrs-old, and not had much exposure seeing other girls/women out of marriage. it's abit like Never having flu... when u have it, u will have little or No resistance.

seriously u can forget abt mentioning the past... it's not only irritating, but forces someone to keep going Backwards... some pple Only know how to mention the past... but u Must realise that some pple Dun Want to go back to the past... if u mention to them, u are only making them feel repulsed.

it is no different from telling a smoker to stop smoking, a gambler to stop gambling, a drug-user to stop using drug... it is not only very skin-deep, but works only as popular forum advice... not in reality nor real life.

to say his love for u has died, is not a minor thing... Dun hide that as an honest fact which he is telling u... dun pretend nor deny it. pls Realise that it may not be untrue... if u're gonna suggest counselling and stuff, just rem the examples i gave u above... conselling is only for pple who seek to improve or change or Admit they need help. if he loves his newfound life now... asking him to go counselling is gonna backfire on u badly. When pple see no wrong with their life, and actually enjoy it... telling them to go counselling to seek change is a really dumb thing to do... he will drop u further.

deliberate well... it is not abt salvaging a marriage, but abt making him go back to who he WAS. - Which to me is a lost cause for now.

if u can't hold on to something, the next step is to accept and let go... Dun End up like pple who hold on to something that isn't there...