How to resolve trust issues?

[anouk02]

I am a 34 year old woman married to my 36 year old husband for 3 years now. We met over 14 years ago as young adults. Throughout the course of our relationship, there have been several ups and downs. I found out many shocking things about him, such as looking for sex partners online, porn and lewd texts about women between his friends. I fell into depression and anxiety, managed to recover and forgave him for all of these and married him. However, i have deep rooted trust issues that have taken a turn for the worse.

Recently, he hired a 19 year old to work in his office. She doesn't necessarily have the credentials to do the job he advertised for, but he says that he sees potential in her and that he can't afford to employ someone with more qualifications..

Since she started work, he has broached the topic of having the need to work late. I said no because that would mean he would be back at 11pm. We would have no quality time together since he works weekends too. I suggested he work at home but he says tv is a major distraction.

When speaks about her, he avoids eye contact with me. He looks forward to go to work, has lunch with her and they talk about personal issues. It is also a small office so I can understand the need to build rapport. However, I think that he has to set a professional boundary but he wants to be a friendly boss. He says that he wants to be a boss that he wishes he had.

Recently, when i went to his launch party, I overhead some men saying that my husband had hired her because they needed an eye candy for their company. I was so upset that I left hurriedly.

On that day, I was looking at the event location geotag on social media and found her profile. Being a millennial, she has a need to overshare everything online and I discovered some posts that mentioned meeting my husband for lunch and some errands they had run together. I also found out my husband had also lied about where he had been a few days ago.

Yesterday, my husband was frantically looking for a book that he wanted to loan her because she had mentioned that she writes. He could have just given the title and author but he wanted to give his personal copy so it could be conversation starter. I admit I could be reading too much into this.

This triggered me to find out more about her and why my husband was hankering after her so much. I went to her social media profile and saw this post from her twitter page. The tweet reads, ' My 36 year old boss just told me he would hit on me if he was 19'.

I was shocked and confronted him the next day. He mentioned that it sounds wrong but claimed that i need to understand the context behind it. Apparently, he had wanted to cheer her up and that she was his sidekick, his mentee. He said that he has always worked with attractive women, so if it is not her, it will be another. He confronted her and she said that it was meant to be a positive tweet and not that he was being a creep. But in this time of Harvey Weinstein and the rest of the creeps of the world, doesn't it look wrong? Does it not cross the professional boundary?

My heart is broken. I have never been disrespectful to my husband with regards to how I treat him emotionally but he keeps breaking my spirit. I have never made him feel inferior like how he makes me feel.

I had a total breakdown yesterday and am considering leaving him for my peace of mind.

Am I over reacting?

 

[Cath_rina]

I don't know why are you at a loss. The signs are clear. Firstly he's a local man. Hello?... doesn't that sound the alarm har? All these local men are cmi. They all go for those thai disco girls. Then, he's a useless man who cannot respect his wife's right to his life. how dare he flirt behind your back. Cannot leh... you should divorce him and make him pay until he is broke with the women's charter.

 

[Doryxl]

Im sorry but there is nothing to resolve. You should leave as soon as possible

 

[Infernolord]

Hi. Maybe you can talk out to that lady and try to find out if she is aware something is not right.
What her reaction and if she is willing to share more with you.
hmm.. a normal lady would usually noted that and keep a distance from your hubby. Or even quit her job if things get abit out of hand.

 

[felirocious]

If both of you would like to put in the effort, look for marriage counsellor and get into open conversations. Talk about it peacefully and see if things will work out.

If both have the mutual understanding on how this is affecting both, something will work out.

Good luck.

 

[SGoutcast]

Frankly... when trust is gone, move on. Its not the first time he did it and will not be the last I'm sowy for the negative remarks.

 

[stillhurt]

nope you are not over reacting.
i would have gone crazy if im you.

 

[CelynJui]

nope you are not over reacting.
i would have gone crazy if im you.

I agree with the rest like talk to the little girl first, if she understand, she will draw a line.

PS: ignore the cath rina, she always create trouble n 挑拨离间 and nothing else.

 

[Econavi]

Not sure if you will believe what I say. But as a guy, I have to let you know that your other half will not turn out to be what you want him to be. Not now, not ever. You just need to ask yourself if you can accept him for what he is or who he is. That said, majority of guys will be attracted to pretty girls, heck if they weren't I would suspect if they were even male humans right? The question is, does his moral principles rank superior to his fleshly urges? If yes, then you should help him overcome them. If not, let it rest or let it go. Theres no 3rd option.

 

[Cath_rina]

I agree with the rest like talk to the little girl first, if she understand, she will draw a line.

PS: ignore the cath rina, she always create trouble n 挑拨离间 and nothing else.

You must be another one of those loser cmi local men.

 

[GreatScotch]

Hi, I feel compelled to reply to your post as I was in a similar predicament in the past. My ex-wife is not exactly the kind of person you will even want as a friend. She had 3 affairs (those that I found out), during the first 2 always returned to me threatening me with her rights to ruin my life if I dare to even allow the thought of divorce cross my mind. Her parents embolden her sense of entitlement with their twisted mentality. She is often on her phone talking to other men, sometimes did not come home till late or on some occasions never came home for overnight. In order to cover her tracks, she cooks up the most incredulous stories but eventually got found out on 2 occasions. It took me 14 years to endure her unreasonable behaviour and eventually she went into an urgency to divorce because she found another bf. In order to expedite things, she gave up her demands to maintenance even though she held on to a slightly bigger share of the flat despite paying lesser for it. I too gave in to that demand to end things quick. We filed for divorce this year and was granted our final judgement within 3 months+. A very worthwhile wait.

I quickly made plans to remarry as there is another girl who stood by me during the most arduous 6 years of her life dedicating her youth and eligibility to a relationship that might see no future. Some might call her a 'vixen', 'family-breaker', 'shameless slut' for getting involved with me while I was still married. But nothing is going to change my plans to marry and love this girl who gave me so much. I gave a chance for this relationship to blossom after the 2nd time my ex wife had affairs. I crumbled when I realised all the years of hard work to salvage the marriage came to naught. So I did not hesitate when an opportunity rose for me to get acquainted to this new girl. We started off as work partners where she was employed by an organisation that is in the industry but not competitors. Went out several times and spent the next 6 months as friends. But soon we started to appreciate each others presence and decidedly went into a relationship even with the unfavourable circumstances.

As any sensible man will compare the merits of these 2 women. My ex wife had completely no merits to speak about, continuously feel that she is entitled to screw around just because she is a woman in Singapore. But the so called '3rd party' despite having the true rights to do so never placed herself into any compromising situation against our relationship. She made it a point to wear a ring to indicate she's getting 'married', never strayed away from her professionalism with customers who tried to get to know her, waited faithfully for me every time I am on business trip to call her even when we were in drastically different time zone.

This as she told me is a form of respect for the man who takes care of her. This respect is regardless of gender and age. And in order to have this respect, you must first to have loved.

For the thread-starter, if your husband loves you, he will do things to ensure he does not feed your imagination. He will spend time with you and the family more to enhance the positive experience in the marriage. Hiring the 19 year old does seem to make certain business sense but it should not potentially transgress into a sordid relationship. I work with pretty young girls as well of great global diversity and character but never had any problems separating friendship/comradeship in a professional relationship from my marriage. I never had any problems with any of the female friends I have outside of work affecting the sanctity of my relationship with my one special woman. It is an effort placed in love that leads to respect for my spouse.

All the best to your future.

 

[BobbyMaroony]

No point talking to the little girl. Your husband is the main problem. If you talk to the little girl, you are putting the fault on her. And also, does it also hint that you are gonna talk to every single pretty girl that your husband hires? Isn’t that tiring? It’s also going to hint to her how broken the trust between you and your husband is.

It’s an unspoken law to all humans to stay away from married men/women. The girl being 19 years old. She should know.

And as you said, your husband hired her but she does not have the qualifications needed. Hence, maybe she is entertaining your husband to keep her job too.

 

[Cath_rina]

Hi, I feel compelled to reply to your post as I was in a similar predicament in the past. My ex-wife is not exactly the kind of person you will even want as a friend. She had 3 affairs (those that I found out), during the first 2 always returned to me threatening me with her rights to ruin my life if I dare to even allow the thought of divorce cross my mind. Her parents embolden her sense of entitlement with their twisted mentality. She is often on her phone talking to other men, sometimes did not come home till late or on some occasions never came home for overnight. In order to cover her tracks, she cooks up the most incredulous stories but eventually got found out on 2 occasions. It took me 14 years to endure her unreasonable behaviour and eventually she went into an urgency to divorce because she found another bf. In order to expedite things, she gave up her demands to maintenance even though she held on to a slightly bigger share of the flat despite paying lesser for it. I too gave in to that demand to end things quick. We filed for divorce this year and was granted our final judgement within 3 months+. A very worthwhile wait.

I quickly made plans to remarry as there is another girl who stood by me during the most arduous 6 years of her life dedicating her youth and eligibility to a relationship that might see no future. Some might call her a 'vixen', 'family-breaker', 'shameless slut' for getting involved with me while I was still married. But nothing is going to change my plans to marry and love this girl who gave me so much. I gave a chance for this relationship to blossom after the 2nd time my ex wife had affairs. I crumbled when I realised all the years of hard work to salvage the marriage came to naught. So I did not hesitate when an opportunity rose for me to get acquainted to this new girl. We started off as work partners where she was employed by an organisation that is in the industry but not competitors. Went out several times and spent the next 6 months as friends. But soon we started to appreciate each others presence and decidedly went into a relationship even with the unfavourable circumstances.

As any sensible man will compare the merits of these 2 women. My ex wife had completely no merits to speak about, continuously feel that she is entitled to screw around just because she is a woman in Singapore. But the so called '3rd party' despite having the true rights to do so never placed herself into any compromising situation against our relationship. She made it a point to wear a ring to indicate she's getting 'married', never strayed away from her professionalism with customers who tried to get to know her, waited faithfully for me every time I am on business trip to call her even when we were in drastically different time zone.

This as she told me is a form of respect for the man who takes care of her. This respect is regardless of gender and age. And in order to have this respect, you must first to have loved.

For the thread-starter, if your husband loves you, he will do things to ensure he does not feed your imagination. He will spend time with you and the family more to enhance the positive experience in the marriage. Hiring the 19 year old does seem to make certain business sense but it should not potentially transgress into a sordid relationship. I work with pretty young girls as well of great global diversity and character but never had any problems separating friendship/comradeship in a professional relationship from my marriage. I never had any problems with any of the female friends I have outside of work affecting the sanctity of my relationship with my one special woman. It is an effort placed in love that leads to respect for my spouse.

All the best to your future.

Useless singaporean man cheated on his wife.

 

[margret]

Useless singaporean man cheated on his wife.

Looking down on one's root is worse than anything I can think off

 

[Cath_rina]

Looking down on one's root is worse than anything I can think off

So useless singaporean man cheating on his wife is ok?

 

[margret]

So useless singaporean man cheating on his wife is ok?

It's not only Singapore man cheat. Men all over the world cheat

 

[Cath_rina]

It's not only Singapore man cheat. Men all over the world cheat

You are wrong. Caucasians do it out of love. So it is love not cheating. Singaporean men cheat because they cannot resist temptation like a real man.

 

[GreatScotch]

Useless singaporean man cheated on his wife.

My ex-wife, like you, a proud Singaporean woman is quick to show disrespect to others disregarded the oath she took to uphold the sanctity of our marriage kept her options open with a string of affairs. I was nothing but contingency held ransom by her threats and the women's charter you defend. Shackled by my own ignorance when I was younger and lack good judge of character, suicide was on my mind many times but miraculously held on. I eventually gave up on her after 7 years of marriage. Then my current wife came into the picture. A completely different person, my then gf (current wife) displayed the virtue of traditional Chinese spousal fidelity via quality upbringing under her strict but loving parents back in China. Today I am able to get back on track with life after spending so many years oppressed by the women rights you get to abuse with impunity. I'm grateful and she deserving of my love have my diligence and ambition at work to ensure she is sheltered and fed for the rest of her life.

Me useless? You are just unable to discern a man of benefiting characteristics from what's otherwise. Cheating on my wife? I only started to cheat for love with one person on a cheating wife who cheated with many from the beginning.

 

[GreatScotch]

You are wrong. Caucasians do it out of love. So it is love not cheating. Singaporean men cheat because they cannot resist temptation like a real man.

Your logic best describes the typical self entitled Singaporean woman who will always think that nobody is good enough for her.

 

[Cath_rina]

My ex-wife, like you, a proud Singaporean woman is quick to show disrespect to others disregarded the oath she took to uphold the sanctity of our marriage kept her options open with a string of affairs. I was nothing but contingency held ransom by her threats and the women's charter you defend. Shackled by my own ignorance when I was younger and lack good judge of character, suicide was on my mind many times but miraculously held on. I eventually gave up on her after 7 years of marriage. Then my current wife came into the picture. A completely different person, my then gf (current wife) displayed the virtue of traditional Chinese spousal fidelity via quality upbringing under her strict but loving parents back in China. Today I am able to get back on track with life after spending so many years oppressed by the women rights you get to abuse with impunity. I'm grateful and she deserving of my love have my diligence and ambition at work to ensure she is sheltered and fed for the rest of her life.

Me useless? You are just unable to discern a man of benefiting characteristics from what's otherwise. Cheating on my wife? I only started to cheat for love with one person on a cheating wife who cheated with many from the beginning.

PRC again? People like you will Never be able to find a local girl have to settle for prc vietnamese or thai women. eee dunno if they are clean or not.

 

[Katejake]

PRC again? People like you will Never be able to find a local girl have to settle for prc vietnamese or thai women. eee dunno if they are clean or not.

Lol. A local girl like you? The person must be suay to the max to associate with a bitch/whore like you. And yep, I'm referring to your so-called French bf/husband. Haiyo. Don't know what dog shit he has stepped on. So unlucky sia. Lol.

 

[GreatScotch]

PRC again? People like you will Never be able to find a local girl have to settle for prc vietnamese or thai women. eee dunno if they are clean or not.

My ex wife has this ghastly sense of entitlement like you. And that's one of the reason that deterred me from anymore local girls. Not that local girls are definitively self entitled, but there is an inherent risk inhibiting any desire to attempt any relationship with local girls. Not that I can't find a local girl but once bitten twice shy.

My PRC gf now wife is a head turner with no lack of suitors. We just got married this week and I must say this is the best thing to have happened to me in my whole life.

 

[Adrian7878]

My ex wife has this ghastly sense of entitlement like you. And that's one of the reason that deterred me from anymore local girls. Not that local girls are definitively self entitled, but there is an inherent risk inhibiting any desire to attempt any relationship with local girls. Not that I can't find a local girl but once bitten twice shy.

My PRC gf now wife is a head turner with no lack of suitors. We just got married this week and I must say this is the best thing to have happened to me in my whole life.

Congrats Scotch ! Don't bother about Cath's remarks.

 

[GreatScotch]

Congrats Scotch ! Don't bother about Cath's remarks.

Thanks! I'm glad I survived the toxic marriage with my local girl ex-wife.

 

[newproject]

Thanks! I'm glad I survived the toxic marriage with my local girl ex-wife.

The first local girl I married was a nightmare, got out of it as fast as I could. The only good thing about this girl was she was too proud to really use the WC to its full extent unlike many Singaporean girls for that I'm grateful and wish her well.

I'm now married to another Singaporean girl who is an angel and is like night and day.

So you really can't say all local woman or man are the same. It all depends.

 

[nanastar]

Yea

 

[nanastar]

Maybe she is in for the nationality. You never know. If I’m from China, I’ll be proud to have a SG man as husband. The doors of opportunities you open yourself to

 

[Cath_rina]

Maybe she is in for the nationality. You never know. If I’m from China, I’ll be proud to have a SG man as husband. The doors of opportunities you open yourself to

Ya lor i agree with you. All prc women are like prostitutes they are just interested In getting PR. They will dump that stupid useless singaporean man once they get it. Then you will see that scotchtape crying in the forum.

 

[Cath_rina]

The first local girl I married was a nightmare, got out of it as fast as I could. The only good thing about this girl was she was too proud to really use the WC to its full extent unlike many Singaporean girls for that I'm grateful and wish her well.

I'm now married to another Singaporean girl who is an angel and is like night and day.

So you really can't say all local woman or man are the same. It all depends.

See. Singaporean girls are good. But some singaporean men still want to go for prc. Stupid. Let's wait for him to come here and cry regret when his prc wife sleeps around like a prostitute.

 

[GreatScotch]

The first local girl I married was a nightmare, got out of it as fast as I could. The only good thing about this girl was she was too proud to really use the WC to its full extent unlike many Singaporean girls for that I'm grateful and wish her well.

I'm now married to another Singaporean girl who is an angel and is like night and day.

So you really can't say all local woman or man are the same. It all depends.

I know not all are like my ex wife. But i have seen quite a number of them like that. Including friends who lost a lot of money divorcing a cheating local wives. There are good ones around definitely but it takes quite a lot of luck to meet one. So i am deterred from local girls. Once bitten twice shy. Nothing against local girls, i wish those who found good local girls the best and everlasting happiness.

 

[clem]

See. Singaporean girls are good. But some singaporean men still want to go for prc. Stupid. Let's wait for him to come here and cry regret when his prc wife sleeps around like a prostitute.

Cath I agree with you! You are the role model for women! At least you only sleep around with Caucasians out of their love. It's ok even if u had a husband that time.

Proud of u.

 

[BobbyMaroony]

See. Singaporean girls are good. But some singaporean men still want to go for prc. Stupid. Let's wait for him to come here and cry regret when his prc wife sleeps around like a prostitute.

Honestly, it depends, if someone kena a SG girl like you, I think they suay ka Kao pei.

 

[Cath_rina]

Cath I agree with you! You are the role model for women! At least you only sleep around with Caucasians out of their love. It's ok even if u had a husband that time.

Proud of u.

hey I don't sleep around. And please my ex husband wasn't even a man. He cannot even get himself a proper job. He didn't even fulfil his responsibility as a man. so it is my right to fight for my own happiness!

 

[miloice]

You are wrong. Caucasians do it out of love. So it is love not cheating. Singaporean men cheat because they cannot resist temptation like a real man.

This is the most retard troll mesg ever! Without a doubt Cath_rina is a fake personality.

 

[miloice]

Cath I agree with you! You are the role model for women! At least you only sleep around with Caucasians out of their love. It's ok even if u had a husband that time.

Proud of u.

yeah right ! sleeping with a condom isn't cheating, so says the guru.

 

[BobbyMaroony]

So if you cheat out of love means it’s not considered cheating? It’s the same if I kill you out of love too? It’s not considered killing?

 

[margret]

hey I don't sleep around. And please my ex husband wasn't even a man. He cannot even get himself a proper job. He didn't even fulfil his responsibility as a man. so it is my right to fight for my own happiness!

if your ex husband wasn't a man, then why did u marry him? u were forced into marrying or is it any man who come by u think it's good and get marry with. then u find your ex husband not suitable and the french bf came by, u think he's good and wan to get marry. Very fast u will think this man not as romantic and not as good and start to complaint french man not good.

 

[Teo Ronn]

I see it happening in common. Mainly in Singapore.

A. Speak to them separately.
B. Hear your heart.
C. Calm down and take your time to take decision.

 

[GreatScotch]

Just ignore her and focus on the topic.