How to be more encouraging?

[hotminttea]

Hello all

Just hoping to get some advises that may help me improve the way I react...

The picture is like this, I live with my HTB and there are a lot of times he will find himself being too free in the evening after work and nothing to do at home when I always have stuff around me to keep me busy (entertainment wise). I'll always try to suggest things whenever he feels bored that he could do this and that or things that he put aside for awhile. (etc his model kits) But sometimes he just don't feel like doing them then end up going to bed early.

There was once when I was suggesting things for him to do as usual and he mentioned to me that I should be more encouraging. I can't really remember the exact words I said but maybe along the line of "you could do you model kit(example), it's been awhile since you bought it."

I think that maybe I end up sounding naggy instead of trying to help him lol But I can't think of another way to encourage him to do things that may be fun instead of feeling bored.

What should I say to make it sound more encouraging? Or what would you prefer to heard from your significant other?

(I know it is best to ask him but I am thinking of getting more inputs, maybe it can be a way to improve my EQ too.)

cheers!

 

[cuclainne]

have you considered that perhaps he prefers to spend his evenings in such a way?

 

[hotminttea]

He only goes to bed early when 1. he is really tired. 2. there's simply nothing for him to do.

He did ask me what things can he do because he is bored. I've been living with him for a few years now that's pretty much his pattern.

I'm just thinking if I could be more encouraging to remind him the things that he could do.

 

[thommy]

ask him to consider the following:

1. take up night classes
2. go out with friends
3. help to do household chores
4. pick up new hobbies
5. ask him to join you in whatever you're doing

 

[cuclainne]

my husband is the same. his evenings are occupied mostly by sitting in front of his PC, would only sleep at around 1-2am unless he's really tired.

since it's his personal 'me' time, i just leave him to decide how he wants to spend it.

 

[infojunkie]

mayb he's hinting at something...

 

[powder]

take off your clothes and be his model-kit...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Mint,

Actually he wants some action in the bedroom.
Hinting but you don't get it. Ask junkie for guy's point of view on this.

 

[sgbabydoll]

You sound like his mother leh.

 

[miloice]

suck a lollipop or ice cream seductively and see if he finds it boring still.

 

[hotminttea]

Wah LoL like that also can? He is not asking for that la. Hahaha

actually I'm asking for opinions on how to be more encouraging wor. hahaha not for things that he can do. : P

@ Thomas
Thanks! maybe I'll include him with my activities more.

@ cuclainne
in fact both HTB and me does the same, pc after dinner and chit chat while on pc.

 

[hotminttea]

well ya, I don't want to sound like his mother, that's why I'm asking for suggestion how to not sound like his mother.

 

[infojunkie]

he's so bored and u so busy...

so sad

 

[sgbabydoll]

He's an adult, why do you have to find activities for him? Whether you sound naggy or encouraging you are still mothering him.

He sounds very boring and super unmanly. Are you sure you wanna marry him?

 

[hotminttea]

@doll
let's not go there, it's not nice of you to say that about him when you don't know him.

Adults do run out of ideas sometimes btw.

 

[powder]

Mint Tea,

the disparity in actitivity level can only be a match in the long run if both are comfortable within their own individual daily lives with or without activities. else one will find the other with no time, one will find the other just lazing around...

when u are asking how to be more encouraging, i'd assume the encouragement goes towards finding things to do... as it is, 24hrs simply isn't enough for me, and i sleep 4-5hrs a day to accomodate so as to live a 'fuller' day. the only times in my life where i have alot of time to do nothing is when i'm in reservist... i'll feel like a shark in a tank - dying.

if he is happy the way he is, then leave it... u dun fix what isn't broken. if he is unhappy, then what u're looking to encourage isn't something that will come from u or any 3rd parties... i would think that he is largely uninspired, or have not found his purpose in life yet... just cruising along.

so i would say perhaps, the best thing u can do... or maybe the only thing... is to let him be in touch with Inspiration, Motivation, Sense of Purpose. so it might have to be a medium... Book, Movie, Articles... u can start slow with articles - if he's on the net... send him emailed articles...

it is not something u can immediately apply a plaster and let it heal... so u need to have some planning too.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Adults do run out of ideas but we don't moan and we certainly do not blame others for not being encouraging.

 

[powder]

oh, one thing... u have to decide if it's You, or Him.

when "he mentioned to U that U should be more encouraging"... i would think that it's more becos u are suggesting him to do things which he might or might not wanna do, and u make him feel like a bum as a whole... it's like a busy bee asking a tortoise to harvest nectar...

 

[miloice]

I just run out of time... never out of things to do.

 

[hotminttea]

powder

I think you've got a point there. about a busy bee asking a tortoise to harvest nectar.

I'm quite a busy bee myself, when I'm bored I will just dig up something to keep myself entertained, pretty much non stop. So when he is bored, I would just suggest some of the things that he might or not want to do and see if they interest him. Also serves as a reminder that there are still things that he wants to do but had been put aside during his busy time.

I see the point on how I make him feel like a bum since I thought the reminders can just help him remember in case he forgotten about them. Cos sometimes I forget about things that I wanted to do.

 

[hotminttea]

Milo

me too.

 

[flyingstar]

maybe he's happy feeling bored.

ya, don't fix what's not broken. i don't really understand what you want to encourage him.

encourage him to do something?
or encourage him to go out?

 

[miamivice]

A nice BJ does wonders for motivation.

 

[clark]

BJ = black Jack ??

MBS or RWS ?? But must pay $100 entry fee leh.

 

[hotminttea]

perhaps what i wrote wasn't clear.

This thread is not about what stuff I can suggest to my HTB. But seek alternative or better ways to encourage someone to do stuff, inspire them or something. Don't really only apply to my HTB, can be apply to anyone else when I get into such situation.

 

[powder]

so maybe it's a You thing? i'm pretty much a busy bee myself, have more activities than time... i do wonder how pple can be home for long hours when there's so much to do in life, but i guess the answer lies in how we wanna see it... so now i see it as their little heaven in life... to just chill at home.

 

[hotminttea]

Yes, a ME thing. The HTB is just a scenario.

Perhaps it's the way I talk is not inspiring.

I know~ I can think of so many things to do even at home and so many places to go and things to see out there.

 

[matka]

Hi Mint

He asked you to be "more encouraging". But do you know what he really means? Because I don't really get it. Maybe you should ask him what he means by that?

 

[hotminttea]

Hi Matka

I'll find a chance to ask him. For my part I'm also guessing what he meant because the conversation was disrupted at that point of time.

Maybe instead of just throwing suggestions at him, I could elaborate some of the things that I suggest? OxO Maybe it was the way I speak to him.

 

[thommy]

actually you two have different characters and thinking...if he prefers to laze around doing nothing there's nothing much you can do also other than to accept it.

if it bothers you that much perhaps you should have a word with him before marriage.

 

[powder]

in that case Mint Tea,

u need to realise something most pple dun seem to realise... that sometimes as the closest person to him - u are the person he is least able to accept verbal advice from, particularly with regards to habits, lifestyle, physicals, dress-sense etc...

it's one of those things... i think u've seen this happen within your circle of frens, or your siblings...

 

[pinktweet]

agreed, powder! .. i can better accept advise from friends and colleagues, but will tend to become defensive (and somehow irritated) if hubby were to give me unsolicited advice. But again, if i asked for his advice, then it's ok for him to give advice.

 

[powder]

yup, of cos if volunteer asking, then it's fine... of cos must see the type of question and topic...

ie "am i fat?" - true opinion not needed, validation is needed.

 

[denise80]

Sigh..I wonder how come TS and hubby have so much time at hand. Both my hubby and I are so busy with work that we just wished we have some time to sleep or at least time together. TS, I think you should just accept your hubby as he is. Otherwise, devote more time to work? May even get a pay raise or promotion haaa. By then you two will be dying to have just some time to do things together. Sometimes we don't realise what we have until we lose it - I mean freedom and time.

 

[miloice]

one point Mint Tea,

some people wind down doing absolutely nothing. Can be blankly just staring at the TV and switching channels or just browsing newspaper or on the web over nothing in particular. It could also be a way of relaxing. I do so by sleeping. When I'm too tired, I really sleep. Uninterrupted sleep.

 

[ajumma]

does he like animals? how about getting a pet? he can take care of it and bring it out for games and walks.

 

[ajumma]

oh yeah and the best way to be not naggy is to not say anything at all. juz let him sit and do nothing.

on your part u can do ur own things to spice up life at home. juz don't make any comment about why he is sitting around doing nothing.