How to Address ILs

[Suess]

Hi all, I need advice on this. I don't know what to address my ILs by.

My friends overseas address their ILs by first name if they're close or with 'Mr/Mrs such and such' if they're not. My SG friends call their ILs 'mum' and 'dad' no matter how close or not they are.
My Chinese or Taiwanese friends use 'yeye' 'nainai' or 'lou yeh' and 'ta kae'.

I'm pretty sure our relationship is not going to ever be on first name or 'mom' 'dad' basis in this lifetime. I need something formal, polite but not over intimate to address them by and since I speak teochew and hokkien, I thought it'll be best to look for some formal terms in either dialect to use.

 

[verysadguy]

What's wrong with calling your in-laws mum and dad? That should be the formal way of addressing.

 

[Suess]

I have a mom and dad. To me, it feels like I'm replacing my own parents by doing that. I suppose part of it is not having been here long enough for it to feel like I fit in culturally and we also don't have a close enough relationship where I feel comfortable doing that.

 

[miloice]

Every family have a different culture. Best to ask your partner and in laws. Many in sg, just follow what our partners address them, as we are one family.

In HK, father in law is addressed as 老爺, mother in law as 奶奶.

However, some might just call them Daddy and Mummy too.

Strange that you resort to asking strangers.

I call my mother in law as mum or 妈 in mandarin, I call my mum 妈妈 in dialect.
Likewise, calling my dad old bean 老豆.

 

[Suess]

There is literally no one else to ask about this, my friends, as I've mentioned are either no help at all or I'm not comfortable with following suit and calling the ILs my mom and dad. It's perhaps not the best solution but after a lot of unhappiness and friction between all parties when I disasterously attempted to be a traditional Chinese DIL which I am not and cannot be, it's probably the wisest choice for now.

 

[shavaine]

Perhaps ask your in laws how they prefer to be addressed?

 

[buddhabar]

I have a mom and dad. To me, it feels like I'm replacing my own parents by doing that. I suppose part of it is not having been here long enough for it to feel like I fit in culturally and we also don't have a close enough relationship where I feel comfortable doing that.

I have the same uneasiness in the past.
I address my parents as dad and mom so I addressed my ILs as pa and ma. Actually Addressing your ILs by the same term as your husband would be the most straight forward and most ILs will prefer it that way. It makes them feel they gain a daughter .

 

[OYHZ]

I have a mom and dad. To me, it feels like I'm replacing my own parents by doing that. I suppose part of it is not having been here long enough for it to feel like I fit in culturally and we also don't have a close enough relationship where I feel comfortable doing that.

I feel you! Was talking about pre-wed shoot last night with my fiance and IL, and my future MIL told me to start calling her mama. Felt rather uneasy..... I told her i'll start calling that when it's nearing official wedding/banquet period.. :X

 

[traciee]

i call my own parents mummy and daddy. my hubby also call his parents mummy and daddy. so, to me since the term "mummy" & "daddy" is already taken by my parents, i call my in-laws Mother and Father. Starting was v awkward n weird..... but after a period of time get used to it already. On my ROM day, they were already joking and asking why i didn't call them mum n dad. hahahaha.

 

[Suess]

I'm not very close to my own parents and I don't think I want to try being that close to my ILs. After the fiasco of my attempt to be a 'good traditional chinese girl' hoping to gain their approval, I decided that it may be best for us to have a civil and polite relationship without becoming as close as parent and child. The expectations that come with a 'new' set of parents is just too much.

 

[miloice]

at the end of the day, its just about how comfortable you are about it. If something this trivial is so significant for you, you are in for a lot of problems. In many things, its really how much we let it trouble us. If you are bothered even with the slightest differences, you will be very miserable with getting used to differences.

 

[buddhabar]

I'm not very close to my own parents and I don't think I want to try being that close to my ILs. After the fiasco of my attempt to be a 'good traditional chinese girl' hoping to gain their approval, I decided that it may be best for us to have a civil and polite relationship without becoming as close as parent and child. The expectations that come with a 'new' set of parents is just too much.

I hope you are not staying with your ILs...
If verbal addressing is an issue, living together would be challenging.

 

[Suess]

No, I do not live with them. When my SO and I decided to get married, the initial plan was to move in together but we figured that if we were ready to live with each other, we might as well get married and buy a place of our own. I don't mind if we lived in the US or a big country and saw the ILs once a year, I mean, using an uncomfortable term once a year is no big deal. But we see them at least two or three times a week and that's just too uncomfortable. Someone I spoke to said it may help our relationship if I didn't assign them a name which I may perceive as giving them too much authority over me at first because that'll allow me to settle into a relationship with them as people, rather than launch right into the power struggle of a parent-child relationship. I thought that was very helpful given my relationship with my parents, I just have no darn idea what term to use.

 

[buddhabar]

I hope your marriage revolve mainly around your husband and yourselves .
Too many unfortunate cases of marriages
overly dominated by other attributes such as ILs, finance, career etc.
Singapore marriage statistics has been in a downward trend for decades.....

 

[miloice]

You are reading into too many things... things that really isn't helpful to your marriage and relationship imho. How you manage a relationship, be it with in laws, spouse or friend, doesn't happen just over what you address them. They will have as much authority over you as you allow them to. There are of course, extreme cases, in laws from hell, in any case, just because you don't address them as mum or father, will not make a positive difference either.

If you start in the wrong note, it will be hard to recover. Judging from tradition Chinese setting, most parents in law will see that as a sign of disrespect and unwillingness to integrate. It is pretty common sense and obvious. You read much into other aspect but blind to the obvious.

 

[traciee]

@Suess u might be reading a little too much into things.. calling your ILs 'mum/dad/mother/father' doesn't " perceive as giving them too much authority over me at first .... rather than launch right into the power struggle of a parent-child relationship"

i believe the reason why we call them mum/dad is because since we're married to our husbands, we are one big family. and not because we are giving them the rights to "rule" our lives.

to be honest, I don't like nor do I want my ILs to start telling me what to do with my life, or have the authority to decide what is to be done and what is not. if that ever happens, hell will break loose because my hubby know i'm an independent person and I decide things to myself. Ppl can give advise, but whether I want to heed the advice is up to myself.

But eventually, I still call them Mother n Father because I respect that they are my hubby's parents, & now my parents in law. One big family. Simple as that.

Need not complicate things so badly and give yourself so much worries?

p/s: Oh, and im staying with my in laws. I see them everyday. Hahahaha.

 

[Jehvy]

I will probably call my IL, mum and dad in the future out of respect. I do not think my IL and I will ever be that close or anywhere close to how intimate me and my parents are.

But, I believe getting married into another family means we literally gain a new set of parents and we would have to face the expectations they have for us whether we like it or not. We can still be firm on our decisions or learn to live in harmony - try to compromise on the way. However, what term we address our IL with will not determine how much control they have over our decisions. Rather, it is much their presence and thoughts meant to us that will determine if we want to compromise with them to maintain the peace and harmony in the family.

Suess, there is no need to get too carried away by terms - be it mum or dad or what it is that you eventually come in terms with to address your IL. In the end, you have to know your IL have accepted you into their family with open arms thus address them with terms that shows your respect and appreciation to them. They will be grateful and pleased to have you as another daughter of theirs.

 

[kumara]

I used to call the ILs 'ma and pa' but somehow my MIL didn't like it hahaha... ok fine. She said to call 'mother and father'. I guess she wants to keep a certain distance. I was fine with them and used to really like them and enjoy their company. Over time, they started to have a lot of expectations, I constantly 'failed' to meet them, guess I'm too angmo-pai for them. In the end, I decided best for me to keep a distance too.

You can determine what you want to call them, and ask your hubby's opinion, and also ask the ILs themselves is it ok to call them that, or what would they like you to call them. It pays to be politically correct in the beginning than to be 'too opinionated' about what you want.

 

[Suess]

Again, I can't ask ILs because they'll most likely think I'm trying to be funny. We've already had many incidents and clashes which I guess are mostly cultural misunderstandings, I'm not really interested in risking problems any more.

My cousins tell me they call their ILs 'Jia po' and 'jia gong' or 'lou ye' and 'nai nai'. I'll probably ask SO which he thinks sounds better. The closest to mum and dad they'll get out of me without weird feelings is 'Mother (Surname)' and 'Father (Surname)', but I think something more Chinese would go down better.

 

[miloice]

Suess, if they are cantonese, yes, 老爺, 奶奶 are pretty common. Didn't come across other dialect groups using these terms.

 

[naiyoucreamy]

I think i will just call my ILs in future as mother and father.. i tink this is just a very small ting

 

[judi28]

I actually address mine as mother and father. Different from my own parents. Not used to it at the start, whereby sometimes they can't Even hear me When I greet them. Starting to adapt after 4mths.

 

[judi28]

In fact, at the start, they are not used to it too. While in small talks, they will also say aunty and uncle. Instead of mother and father

 

[Suess]

I personally ddon't find it small but then I have very different tolerances for things than most people. Maybe in a bunch of years, when I'm used to the ILs, they'll evolve into mum and dad. But now, I don't see any point in pushing things esp since I already don't feel good towards them for things they've done and said. Some of it was just pure lack of awareness about the cultural differences because to them, I look chinese so I MUST be chinese, never mind that we keep reminding them that I was raised very differently elsewhere. The rest of the stuff, I'm trying to learn to chalk it down to ignorance, not other intentions but it's still stuff that stings.

 

[kumara]

I felt the same way sometimes, Suess. Best is to keep a safe distance. Whatever you need to communicate to them, do it via your spouse. Plus, don't let their opinion on things affect you. You certainly don't need their opinion in anything.

And, you'll never be their daughter so don't even get stressed about it. ILs may say they treat you like family but get real, you still can't say anything you want like you may to your own parents, especially during disagreements. And you shouldn't. Because, why should you say something and see their black face?

I have since learnt to be the perfect DIL who always look great and healthy, and never offer my opinion or life story. They will never become like my parents who accept me for who I am and that's ok. It's not ideal because truth is, I'd love to have loving ILs like some of my friends enjoy. Maybe one day they'll mellow and not be so hard-headed, and not always so poor.

Through this, I tell myself I gotta be a friendly MIL in the future and love the new DIL I have.

 

[Jehvy]

I felt the same way sometimes, Suess. Best is to keep a safe distance. Whatever you need to communicate to them, do it via your spouse. Plus, don't let their opinion on things affect you. You certainly don't need their opinion in anything.

And, you'll never be their daughter so don't even get stressed about it. ILs may say they treat you like family but get real, you still can't say anything you want like you may to your own parents, especially during disagreements. And you shouldn't. Because, why should you say something and see their black face?

I have since learnt to be the perfect DIL who always look great and healthy, and never offer my opinion or life story. They will never become like my parents who accept me for who I am and that's ok. It's not ideal because truth is, I'd love to have loving ILs like some of my friends enjoy. Maybe one day they'll mellow and not be so hard-headed, and not always so poor.

Through this, I tell myself I gotta be a friendly MIL in the future and love the new DIL I have.

That is so true, I will just keep a safe distance from my future ILs. Can never relax being with them like being with my own parents ever now or in the future knowing their odd quirks and temperament.

 

[miloice]

I personally ddon't find it small but then I have very different tolerances for things than most people. Maybe in a bunch of years, when I'm used to the ILs, they'll evolve into mum and dad. But now, I don't see any point in pushing things esp since I already don't feel good towards them for things they've done and said. Some of it was just pure lack of awareness about the cultural differences because to them, I look chinese so I MUST be chinese, never mind that we keep reminding them that I was raised very differently elsewhere. The rest of the stuff, I'm trying to learn to chalk it down to ignorance, not other intentions but it's still stuff that stings.

Yes, its obvious to everyone that you have very different tolerance than most. When you realize that you are very different, do realize your in laws is likely to have difficulty. There is no fixed solution, my advise is really minimize the friction. It is easier to build from zero than to start with a negative note. Seems there are already some earlier episodes, so, better to continue minimize the interaction to formal meet ups. I have a French colleague that is very into Chinese girls, he shared his frustration on the expectations of him to address in laws as his family. He is still searching for the right one after several serious relationships. Maybe you should find a non chinese partner to begin with.