How stress is too stressed for wedding prep?

[roomfulofstars]

As above.

I've been staying relatively calm but my HTB has been stressed to such a (I think) strange degree. It's not coz of the fact that he's getting married, losing freedom, etc. The main issues are money, difference in family backgrounds (thus affecting wedding prep) making him caught in the middle, etc.

I mean, I'm stressed too about the same things, esp money and lack of flat. But I've been able to maintain some perspective and hope about it. I've been the one doing non-stop reading up, wrecking my brains for solutions, asking around for advice, etc.

He, on the other hand, barely lifts a finger to do anything. But okay, never mind. Maybe he's just "not that type". But he has been so affected and negative that it's really started to affect me pretty badly.

Whenever he is stressed, I talk to him, and encourage him to calm him. But I'm also being affected by the same issues and I feel I cannot even lean on my HTB. It's gone on for far too long liao.

When I talk to him, his responses have so far been "I'm lost/ confused/ don't know what to do".

I'm really starting to feel very down and sian from all this...

 

[sparkless]

Hi femme,

i may not be the best person to advice since i have not totally gone into wedding preps. But then, your situation sounds familiar except that my bf is cool about the whole wedding and housing stuff.

Lack of flat, i think this is increasingly a common problem for newlyweds or getting married couples. Have you guys talked about alternatives? Eg rental, staying with parents, buying re-sale.

For wedding preps, i think it is stressful and exciting. Stressful, as it involves large amount of $$$ and also the wants and needs to please both set of parents.

Is your guy, by nature, those pessimistic type? What about listing down the things you have to do? then ask your guy to pick those he can handle. In this way, he will feel more positive and lessen the anxieties.

 

[silvermist]

I'm in the same situation as you few months ago.My hb will stress up whenever I raise questions abt our wedding issue..he will stressed and and say he is lost...he also dunno what to do..etc.. and brush it off..
Things get better when we do a time Chart by months on what things we think we had to complete by that month.
It will be Clearer and not so stressful as well...
Just add on or Postpone the to-do stuffs as and when require....
It works for us, maybe u can give it a go...
Just my suggustion..hope it will helps u
Getting Married is a happy event, try ways to ease the stress. All the best to u and your hb
=)

 

[silvermist]

I'm in the same situation as you few months ago.My hb will stress up whenever I raise questions abt our wedding issue..he will stressed and and say he is lost...he also dunno what to do..etc.. and brush it off..
Things get better when we do a time Chart by months on what things we think we had to complete by that month.
It will be Clearer and not so stressful as well...
Just add on or Postpone the to-do stuffs as and when require....
It works for us, maybe u can give it a go...
Just my suggustion..hope it will helps u
Getting Married is a happy event, try ways to ease the stress. All the best to u and your hb
=)

 

[silvermist]

sorry. double post.

 

[sleepycat_2]

This seems to be a common problem with guys. I faced something similar last year when preparing for my wedding. Not that he was super stressed abt it but it seems that I was the one doing stuff and researching for info etc and I was abit cheesed off that he did not help me at all.

But then later, he told me it is not that he doesn't want to help but that he didn't know where to start. That was when we sat down and started discussing in broad terms on wat we want and then slowly work our way thru the details. It is not an overnight thing but took awhile to work things thru. Start with the big picture and major things first, dun scare him by flooding him with the minor details which can be dealt with at a later date...

An important aspect is actually what each other's expectations are towards life after marriage and the wedding itself. I find that once you get that clear, it is easier to work things out.

 

[ambereen]

i think most men are like that.
My husband and my friends' husbands also had the same issue.

"dont know where to start, dunno what to do..confused" i was so fedup that i just ended up doing 90% of the work. Yes we had countless arguments on why he is not doing his part even though its OUR wedding.

Guess when he started to panick? i think 1-2months before the wedding only. When almost everything i settled already, then he goes "is this done, is that done..how how how"

 

[jan4january]

hi femme,

I was also v stressed to prepare my wedding and house reno. I can say that that time was the stressest moments I and my hb had. We had a lot of quarrels and arguements. You two gotta hang on. Once the things r done, u feel v relieved.

 

[star_diamond]

dear all,

pls do not be stressed up with the wedding prep...i too facing the same prob...like no flat...and din want to stay with so and so......hubby and i actually came to a consenus on all issue....

list of stress items that can be easily resolved...or rather that is the way i see it:
1) No flat - hahaa bottomline, both of us agree to stay apart for the time being till we got our flat...
2) wedding prep and $$$$ - due to my job nature and character, i mapped out what to do on a list and tag a timeline to it...so you need to start from the wedding date and plan backwards on yr activity....
3) $$$ - yeah no one has enough $$$ before, so work towards it in saving,etc, and also try to budget around...esp if you can save by this item the next round then do it...buy the most immed impt stuff first....
4) Hotel Banquet - well, we avoid having parents to change dishes that may resulted in topping up the balance...so all in all...our wedding is kinda of fun to plan for...or rather i simplify the life for my hubby, and make it fun for both us to enjoy this process together.....

 

[green_tranquility]

I also feel very sian from chasing my BF 4 months for his guestlist. Haha I think 95% of the wedding tasks are done by me so far. Maybe the only thing my BF needs to do is to SHOW UP on wedding day LOL! Then it's my turn to run away.

I'm not stressed about the lack of house. Haha I'm happy to stay separately from each other for the time being.

 

[sha82]

how far away from the wedding are u?
chances are he will start working on things 3 mths or so before marriage.. hehhee... thats what happened in my case... n now that my wedding is in July.. my FH has taken over the remaining stuff almost completely despite his hectic work schedule.. bt before this he did nothing except get worked up at the sound of wedding discussions..

give him some time dearie...
enjoy the wedding preps...

good luck!

 

[roomfulofstars]

Wedding is about 1 year 2 months away... nothing has been done at all. I know it seems quite far off, but the stupid balloting is now in Oct and then we got to mad scramble to find a flat if we fail again.

Sigh, I know it's supposed to be a happy event but I'm not happy now leh. This tradition-clash thing is also really upsetting. He keeps saying marriage is about 2 families, but it seems what he really wants is for my side to follow his side only.

When certain things are impt to him (the tradition stuff) and not to me, I help him research and do the leg work, even pay. But when I want certain things, he will complain or dowan to give me.

Can't I retain some freedom and romance in my wedding? Or does it really have to be just an event planning job?

 

[green_tranquility]

Femme,
I am treating my wedding as a PROJECT right now! Haha this PROJECT mindset and being qingchai about the details helps to keep me sane.

Sha,
Now it's 4mths to my wedding. Hopefully he get kancheong next mth onwards as what u say haha.

 

[alcifertoh]

Mine is juz a few months down the road lol....

Well stress is due to uncertainty of what situation might pop out and such and also maybe not totally knowing what to do?

This is how my wife and I handles it. She handles the video and photo montarch (She's good at it), the bridal package and photo taking, her own guest list and the duties of her sistas.

I handle the coordination with the planner for the decor of the night, the themes, itinerary and the scripts, all the miscellaneous items for the an chuang and guo da li and all those stuffss down to the allocation of duties and such for the bludders and the timeline for the day, catering of lunch and transport as i have quite a few bludders.

Just share the load and have one to incharge of something wholely and leave it to the person. sometimes 1 head works better than 2 in these situation and definitely worse when many heads (family and friends) try to step in and have their share of opinions. Thats why conflict is likely to arise when alot of ppl are involved.

At the end of the day is you and your partner's wedding. Juz enjoy the proccess and the "stress" haha for in future you will definitely look back and miss this stress ~_^

Cheers

 

[alcifertoh]

green,

Project leh hahaha I totally agree with you. This whole planning is machiam like managing an events project lol

Got prepare checklist bo? haha

 

[sleepycat_2]

haha, me and Hubs felt that it was more of a show where we were the producers, directors and main casts...and the audience are ur guests!

But yes, it went past so fast, we wish we had more time to enjoy it...

 

[green_tranquility]

HBH,
Of coz I have project plan aka checklist! If I'm the project mgr & my bf is staff under me, he would have been sacked long ago lol. Your wife is lucky gal, you helping with so much of the wedding tasks!


Sleepycat,
I agree its a show for parents, in-laws, friends haha, then me n bf are the clowns.

 

[alcifertoh]

hahaha green, you should deduct his pay haha.... Okie lah never say who do much or do less the video and photo part that she is doing is also very siong...

I am handling the rest cos I know more abt those stuffs ba like guo da li and an chuang and such lor... Aiyah tho busy but must be kai kai xin xin hahhaa although from time to time might have clash of ideas well juz sort out the differences calmly and everyone will be happy hur hur

 

[green_tranquility]

HBH,
Maybe I should change my mindset to the following, then I'll be even more sane haha. Bf is indeed paying for the wedding items.

Wedding = Project
Bf = Customer
Me = Bao Ka Liao Labour

 

[sha82]

hahah... femme.. don't think too much about it.. as you can see many ladies are in the same situation as you.. I think yet again it's the case of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus...
I could not agree more that this is a 'project'! hehe... initially i used to get into alot of arguments with my FH over the wedding planning and his laid back attitude ... bt I realized that it was puttin strain on the relationship...
Take a step back and ask yourself is the only thing u talk to him about the marriage these days?... try to stop doing that... coz that might be getting to him.. spend a whole two days not talking about the wedding.. it might make him wonder what happened and bring up the topic himself... then maybe tell him ur feeling so burnt out coz of all the running around yourself and don't feel so enthu about it anymore... that might be a wake up call to him.. maybe he is taking it for granted that u r doing everything?
Most importantly.. always remember.. the wedding itself might be a 1-2 day event.. what's most important is that you don't let the wedding event put strain on the marriage that you and your FH have to see through for the rest of your lives.. it's really not worth it..

 

[sha82]

green...

i hope so too! hahaha... bt men are men... i don't think the wedding 'event' is as big a thing to them as it is to women... sigh.. men!

 

[sleepycat_2]

hey not to forget ur excel spreadsheets, how can a wedding be complete without them...haha...

Anyway, just do wat u can lah. so long as the major things are in place, can liao. That was my mindset nearer to wedding date cos hubs was away for 2 weeks reservist just before wedding. And I was super busy with major work project that just landed on me.

I delegated as much as I can to friends who are willing to help like help me make ang pow box, guestbook etc etc...

 

[sleepycat_2]

sha82, u raised an impt point.

In the run up to the wedding, it is good not to let every conversation be abt the wedding. Yes, u do need to spend alot of time to discuss things as there are many details to settle. But it is good to take time out to talk abt other things, and continue to built on ur relationship.

 

[green_tranquility]

Sha,
No leh, I think my bf treats wedding as a big thing. He feels much more excited and romantic about the wedding than me who treats it as a project. The funny thing is he don't do anything for wedding.

Last weekend, he asked me while staring into my eyes "Do u want to be my wife?" and shared his dream (me taking care of our baby). Faint!

 

[sleepycat_2]

green,

maybe he treats 'marriage' and u becoming his wife as a big thing but not the 'wedding event' itself leh?

 

[green_tranquility]

Sleepycat,
Ya man, I become free maid at home. haha

Shld change my nick to "maria".

 

[sha82]

sleepycat-2 is right.. u shld try and delegate to family and friends who are willing to help... if the work is divided it's much more enjoyable a process... give them some of the little things atleast..
wah green.. so romanticccc...

there's still hope that in one month he will buck up in this case! hahah

my FH also talks about stuff like that... as in general romantic stuff... bt the wedding event itself seems like it doesnt mean as much to him as it does to me... he's more into the marriage for the rest of our lives..

 

[sha82]

better still... since ur FH is lost on how to start and what to do..why don't u make a list og things that need to be done n ask him which ones he can help u with?

 

[green_tranquility]

Sha,
I made a list pass to him, also no use one haha,give up liao. I think I'll liase directly with his parents LOL. Remember I'm the bao ka liao labour, my bf is the customer

 

[roomfulofstars]

But what do u guys do when the clash is with regards to traditions?

 

[green_tranquility]

Femme,
Me hehe will withhold some info from my parents and in-laws. Certain things, we only tell them after we settled Until now, no clash between 2 sides.

Only my SIL is super busybody and likes to make a lot of noise. E.g. she complained to my BF that my photography was too expensive (my photography package is $100 more than her one). It's not fair to compare cos her wedding was 1 year back and prices increase yearly. Thus I told my bf not to reveal so much details to her next time.

I ever warned my mum about my Bf's sister who maybe rude at our upcoming discussion session, so as to mentally prepare her. My mum haha then asked my bf to exclude her at discussion sessions if possible

Worst come to worst, I may tell my SIL "Do u want to be the bride? U seem more picky at the details than me." if she's too much at the discussion session. I already tested waters on Chinese New Year by firing back at her when she fired at me the moment I stepped into his house. Haha my MIL saw the CNY incident and surprisingly still told my BF that she found me a nice gal.

 

[green_tranquility]

Femme,
U must see what type of ppl your parents and his parents are first before you know what methods to use. Get your Hb to handle his parents, while u handle yours.

My Bf is a piece of "wooden log" so I have to fend off things myself. He reminds me of the woman behind the successful man LOL! Me = Man

 

[inex]

hmm I guess everyone's case is different. My hb back then didn't really have a chance to be lost or dunno what to do as I delegate the tasks pretty early - what I will be doing, what he will do, what we both can do... by when..

i recall he was in charge of looking for hotels and wedding cars, liasion for his family and his side guest list. I was in charge of the bridal, music, slide show and liason for my family and my own guest list. We both sat down and budget together.

have a discussion with him and ask him what he's comfortable handling.

Perhaps its helpful when you both view it as a project you are both working on, and he is your team-member, everyone has to contribute.

 

[bloodparrot]

Green
I didn't know u getting married!

when is the big day?

U guys got a flat already? or staying with your in-laws? kindda scary tot esp u need to face your SIL then..hehe..

 

[roomfulofstars]

BTW, can anyone advise regarding cancellation of banquet packages? I read the contract and it says if we cancel, we have to pay 50% ah? Depending on how close it is to the AD.

I thought dinner packages are usually transferable? I see so many people trying to sell these off...

 

[green_tranquility]

Bloodparrot,
Thanks for your concern. My wedding is in Sept.

No flat yet. Haha I'm going to pitch tent under BKE bridge!

We will stay separately first before we get our flat. We will hunt for a house in the resales market after wedding. I'm taking things easy

 

[green_tranquility]

Femme,
If you manage to find someone to take over your contract (meaning you sold it off), you won't be suffering the 50% losses lor.

 

[simplyserene]

Hi all... Chanced upon this thread & found it most interesting.

Hi Femme, your proposed wedding date is still pretty far off, so I reckon you wld hv a decent chance of selling it off & not incurring the loss. As for clash of traditions, is it between just the 2 of you or the 2 families? Regardless you do need to sit down & thrash it out. I found that it's good to have a relative (either urs or ur bf side) who is experienced in such discussions to spear head them so pple don't evade the question or start quarreling. During my discussions, my fiance's aunt was a fantastic help. She was very diplomatic and assertive is a nice way such that the GDL discussions went smoothly (my dad didn't want to discuss it altho I already told him abt the purpose of the dinner).

And yes, I am also managing the wedding prep as if I've changed my line of work into events management! It's much more fun when I think of it this way cos I've always had interest in events mgmt, but never had the opportunity to get into the industry. My fiance's excited abt the whole thing but also clueless abt what to do. Although I came up with a monthly planner and mapped out all the tasks that need to be done by us and our bridal party, but still we have fights abt it... Haiz... mainly from me of cos since my work is already stressful enuf & I still have to be the one running the show for the wedding. I really hated it when my dad told him to rest assure cos he's marrying a girl who's good at organizing events.

 

[roomfulofstars]

Oh okay thanks for the clarification!

S'rene - the clash is b/w my fiance and I and our families.

 

[simplyserene]

Hi Femme... I found out from my side what exactly we need and my fiance checked with his side. Since both of us are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, we made it known to our families so that they would constantly remember this when we discuss abt what's traditionally needed for wedding.

 

[bloodparrot]

Green
Mentally prepared to stay with your love under the same roof in the near future? cos it's really different.. habits have to be compromised and blended into each other's different lifestyle tt are with u since birth

 

[roomfulofstars]

s'rene - so were there any traditional clashes for yours?

 

[green_tranquility]

Bloodparrot,
Agree with u!

I stayed with 10 different housemates overseas last time, so I was aware of that.

I discussed about some conflicting habits with bf. We came up with 'contingency' plan of having extra bed in another room for the cases of fights and insomnia etc. Hahaha dun laugh at me

 

[sillydolphin]

im another one having issues with my FH on the wedding prep. same thing, he laid back, i kancheong and stressed up easily. now in middle of cold war. other issues came into picture too which im not sure it is a real issue or just an extra "topic". wedding in less than 2 months.

 

[gracelourdes]

just came upon tis thread...

green! no time no see...hehhee..tell u ar...dun try the 'maria' joke thing too often...i said tat once to my frd and she was like "

my mum's name is maria"

ok lah, jokes aside...femme, dun get too overworried abt tis...generally have to understand guys a bit....guys dun really thrive to do research or check out wedding stuff as us gals...they prefer us to shortlist stuff...let them have the final say n to see the budget...tat's more than enough liao

 

[nikita]

hi femme

it's normal to feel stressed. men are generally less involved with the wedding prep. i mean i can understand that looking at gowns, flowers, hotels, can be really exciting to us, but it must have bore him to death!

like you, i have no flat. initially we wanted to get a resale. then we wanted to get condo. after posting in the forum, talking to HB, talking to friends, thinking and rethinking about it myself, i decided not to buy a flat. reason?

ppty prices are definitely coming down. it is better to "wait and see" than to buy because of gan cheong-ness and then making a mistake. i know colleagues who are in their mid 30s now. when he got married, he paid $50k COV for his flat at serangoon. up til now, the flat is still not able to recuperate back.

my point is, look at things positively. it's better not to buy than to buy wrongly. for me, i am seriously considering staying with my in-laws. the feeling makes me feel SO RELIEVED! therefore i have decided not to look at anymore property.

(i keep saying "i decide" because i am going to pay for our future flat/ condo. HB is not able to contribute the downpayment/ cash part cos he has no $$ at this point. paying for our home by myself is fine, but it makes me so stressed and makes me so scared!! what if i lose my job somewhere in the next 30 years when i still have to repay loan?)

Therefore he is feeling stressed up over $$ now because he can't contribute much.

My point is, REM - the wedding is a celebration of your marriage. Don't sweat the small stuff and lose track of the most important thing - YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!

congrats. chill and relax a bit ok?

 

[simplyserene]

Hi Femme... my case is more because he's Eurasian Peranakan and is clueless about chinese traditions. I'm a Cantonese and we have some pretty strict traditions too. That's why I highlighted this to him from the start to pay attention and find out more information from his end (and me for mine) because such discussions involve the entire family and we as the couple need to first know what each side wants. Not sure if this makes sense to you. This definitely helped in preventing clashes on both sides, so I'm happy to say that both sides are happy with the requirements made.

This part takes a whole lot of communication, negotiation and mutual understanding.

 

[simplyserene]

Btw, I don't think property is set to drop anywhere in the next 2 years, so I'm more than happy to remain status quo (weekdays I stay my parents' place & weekends his place) until we can afford for a flat

Must be realistic abt this since it's a hefty investment.

 

[changni]

i'm having my wedding in 3 weeks.... and i totally understand what a lot of brides mean now -- it seems 95% of the work is done by the bride.... i feel so sian and overworked, with a big campaign coming up at work as well.

HBH> if you still read this, all that you mentioned, includin the montage and scripts, coordination etc are all my job. seems he ust have to show up that day. chased him for over 6 months for his guestlist.... i hav to coordinate personally with his mum, other than my parents, i so many things i just feel no blissful hope, only loads of pressure on me now.

there are serious moments when i wanna scream and call off the whole thing.

 

[green_tranquility]

Ahni,
I'm getting wedded in 3 weeks too.